Went to the doctor for an annual physical and all I got was a positive HIV result

[whtbbcumhole4blk]

I know the headline sounds flip and that's a bit on purpose.

I just honestly don't know how to feel about finding out I'm POZ. It's, I guess fairly anti climactic. Years ago even though I was barebacking regularly I had this vision in my mind that I would break down and have a good cry, throw a fit or curse my luck.

Today when my doctor broke the news I just felt. Ehh...OK. I wasn't actively chasing it but I wasn't actively avoiding it either (by that I mean asking about HIV status before opening my ass for a strangers cum.)

I know I have a long road ahead of more doctors apts and testing but in a way I feel somewhat relieved.

Is this normal? Will I crash and burn sometime in the near future?

One of the first things I did after learning my status was to tell one of my regular fuck buddies. I felt he deserved to know. I even bought him an Oraquick kit (neg, to my relief). But I have had a lot of anon, didn't really even get a look at their face encounters over the last 4 or 5 months so tracking them down is going to be next to impossible.

How should I address/confront this?

Thanks for about advice you offer.

PS: I'm fairly certain this isn't a false alarm. Doc says the lab ran the sample twice, both times coming back POZ.

[wood]

I know the headline sounds flip and that's a bit on purpose.

I just honestly don't know how to feel about finding out I'm POZ. It's, I guess fairly anti climactic. Years ago even though I was barebacking regularly I had this vision in my mind that I would break down and have a good cry, throw a fit or curse my luck.

Today when my doctor broke the news I just felt. Ehh...OK. I wasn't actively chasing it but I wasn't actively avoiding it either (by that I mean asking about HIV status before opening my ass for a strangers cum.)

I know I have a long road ahead of more doctors apts and testing but in a way I feel somewhat relieved.

Is this normal? Will I crash and burn sometime in the near future?

One of the first things I did after learning my status was to tell one of my regular fuck buddies. I felt he deserved to know. I even bought him an Oraquick kit (neg, to my relief). But I have had a lot of anon, didn't really even get a look at their face encounters over the last 4 or 5 months so tracking them down is going to be next to impossible.

How should I address/confront this?

Thanks for about advice you offer.

PS: I'm fairly certain this isn't a false alarm. Doc says the lab ran the sample twice, both times coming back POZ.

Well to be it sounds like you always knew this would be the end result, which is why its not such a shock that it happened. Putting your ass up and collecting random cum is a pretty surefire way to eventually become HIV+ Also by your blog you seem to like black men, same here, but gay black men also have an HIV infection rate of close to 50%, and that doesn't count unknown cases. So with those odds it was almost certainly going to happen eventually.

When was your last test before this?

As far as going forward, you need to see an HIV specialist, and most likely its a good idea to start treatment asap. Its the best way to keeping long term health. As far as your "crash and burn" idea, well it depends on the person. The initial numb reaction is very common, and the way most people process it at first. That can change later, and some people do have strong reactions. you may, you may not. Only you will know.

[bbzh]

My advice would be to: 1) find someone poz who you trust and talk about your feelings or locate a support group, 2) take a sex break, 3) get on meds and get your viral load down and 4) if you engage in sexual activity, perhaps go for anonymous encounters where HIV status isn't discussed (eg park, sex cinema). 5) This is really important: think long and hard before telling anyone that you're poz. Once the information is public, you have no control over how and when it could be used against you. Tell people who really need to know, and not just because you really want to tell. 6) If you ever become interested in dating, date a poz guy. If you date a neg guy, use rubbers and don't disclose your status until you both know you have feelings for one another.

[AlwaysOpen]

Hey man- I just celebrated my 27th year since getting diagnosed. So it has been a very long time ago to recall vividly- but : I got the info over the phone at night from the doctor- I had an allergic reaction 3 days earlier and ended up in the ER, where all sorts of tests were done. The cardiologist ordered a Western Blot test in the middle of the night. I went home the next day, and 2 days later around 8p I was at home with my partner, and the phone rang. He passed it to me, the doc said- You are positive, you need to come to my office.That was it. No preface,-I hung up and was in shock- all the things I would never see or do again ( in the 80's it was a death sentence and I fully expected to be dead in 12 months) Then I got pissed-at the delivery method, his lack of compassion, and so I decided no meds (AZT killed everyone back then) I saw the summer come and go and come again- and kept my resolve to live and not to buy into the medical gloom and doom. I finally began meds 11 years later due to stress from the relationship failing and work- but even then I resolved it was a bandaid and I was not in any distress.

So,watch what you let get put into your head- I refused to give in, and I am a bigger pig and kink man today than I ever was as a teen in the 70's when sex was free and easy. Your mind will heal you as much or more than meds will- they def can HELP- but YOU have to want to keep going on. And trust me- it is very much worth going onward

[AlwaysOpen]

Just a follow up to the above ( or below depending how it posts) IF you have any belief in hypnosis, I did it for gut issues and the hypnotist did a free follow up dealing with my HIV- and my T count more than tripled. I do self hypnosis now regarding sex pig and cum slut and I know it has helped me go in deeper and be more willing to take anyones loads- so if you want to boost your mental health regarding HIV - you might try a hypnotic session (one of my repeating thought sayings is "Every day and in every way I am stronger and healthier" Does it make me heathier? Who knows- but if I THINK it does, maybe it does)

[Guest RAWGUYUK]

AlwaysOpen. I an a firm believer in the power of positive (eh hem) thought. The mind and body are linked - stress and worry affects it terribly. So I believe your hypnosis (which is just changing your unconsious mental state) is very likely to help keep u well.

To the poster of this thead, mental health and positive affirmations need to be part of ur future as well as physical treatment!

Oh, and just so ppl know, i had a neg result on monday - another surprise. I swear i must be resistant to the bug. Lol. So on Wednesday I went out and took 2 poz loads! ;-)

[bearbandit]

AlwaysOpen - we're almost twins. I was diagnosed 26.1.87...

whtbbcumhole4blk - your reaction sounds like a classic shock reaction: you just close down and don't feel anything. On the evening of the date referenced above I went to work my four hour phone shift at National Aids Helpline (in the UK) and said nothing about my diagnosis to anyone. Didn't hit me till the next night at the weekly leather bar I used to go to and I got talking to a friend who was a few months down the line. He took care of me that night. You might have a night where you need taking caring of or you might just accept and move on.

As bbzh says, knowledge of your status is precious: I quickly decided to devalue it by being completely open about it as I am to this this day. Entirely your choice, just make sure that you make the choice that's right for you: you can't untell people.

Whatever you do, get your medical care sorted out as soon as possible. Personally I'm in favour of hitting the litttle bastard hard and fast. The sooner you start meds the less likely you are to have side effects from the drugs (and I speak as one whose been pretty much round the entire pharmacy). Today's drugs are more effective than ever and less prone to side effects (which aren't compulsory anyway). Talk to your doctor.

Use whatever works for you (or seems to work for you - you can't prove these things!). Positive thought, prayer, self hypnosis, I'll add another: Tarot magic - they're all basically the same thing and whichever form is most accessible to you is the one that'll give the best results. Tarot works for me, so that's what I use besides my pillbox.

It's not an easy ride, but it gets easier every year. You've got a lot to think about right now so I won't overload you with information but please, if you think I can help with a question, drop me a line...

[whtbbcumhole4blk]

Thanks guys. right now I'm not hating on myself or anything. I don't feel like a pariah or that I'm going to die in a few months or weeks-I know far too many people who are long term survivors (like those who have replied to this thread). The medical group clinic I go to here in Houston has an infectious disease section that my doc says will call me next week to schedule an appointment to get more testing (I'm assuming for my load count and to talk about meds).

I've pretty well traced my infection date back to around the first of September (i got terribly sick the week of 9/24 for about 4 days) and I think I know who infected me. As I said before I wasn't chasing but I was talking greater and greater risks and I sorta suspected this guy was POZ and still let him fuck me. Maybe sub consciously I was chasing. But on the night in question I think I took three or four loads.

Also I'm not a drug user or much of a drinker so neither of those played a factor in getting me pozzed... My vice is sex.

So I dunno.

[hungry_hole]

As I said before I wasn't chasing but I was talking greater and greater risks and I sorta suspected this guy was POZ and still let him fuck me. Maybe sub consciously I was chasing.

In your BarebackRT profile you say that you are looking only for Negative tops. Sub consciously chasing? I've been taking risks too but don't think of myself as chaser because I know I don't want HIV.

... My vice is sex.

So I dunno.

My vice is sex too. Most of us are not chasers but addicted to sex and we would welcome a way of having all the sex we want without the fear of any kind of infection.

[whtbbcumhole4blk]

Since the diagnosis, I've told a few people, mainly some recent sex partners that I knew how to get ahold of.

But for the first time since my doctor broke the news to me, I was confronted by it and what it means. I went to see an ENT specialist, within the medical services group I use, for an unrelated issue. Afterwards, he suggested surgery to correct the problem I was having.

He then casually asked if I had seen their "ID" specialist yet (my appointment is Tuesday).

Turns out I might have to wait until or if I go on meds to have the corrective procedure done.

Waiting is fine, it's just sobering having to think of it ahead of what should have been a routine decision.

Edited January 30, 2014 by whtbbcumhole4blk

[whtbbcumhole4blk]

Couldn't add this to previous post because I timed l out:

Of the sex partners I've told, one was the person I thought pozzed me. He said he couldn't have because he can't ejaculate during sex.

One is the person I mentioned in the first post.

One disclosed to me a couple weeks before my diagnosis that he came back poz (but we first fucked well after I came down with the "flu" so I know I couldn't have gotten it from him).

and two others told me they are poz/undetectable (I didn't ask, they didn't tell so perhaps I have been chasing subconsciously for a while). Of those two, though, one I have been fucking semi-regularly for about two years and had tested neg at least once in that time so I don't think he was the source of my infection.

At this point I've decided to stop worrying about who it might have been as i think it will only serve to make me crazy and in the long run not really give me much comfort. I'm a big boy and I made a big boy decision to take loads and this is one of the consequences of that decision.

[GreenChaser]

At this point I've decided to stop worrying about who it might have been as i think it will only serve to make me crazy and in the long run not really give me much comfort. I'm a big boy and I made a big boy decision to take loads and this is one of the consequences of that decision.

good for you dude!

[GreenChaser]

In your BarebackRT profile you say that you are looking only for Negative tops. Sub consciously chasing? I've been taking risks too but don't think of myself as chaser because I know I don't want HIV.

... his profile on a bareback hookup site asking for neg tops only doesn't say to me that he didn't want it- actually it says the opposite. (any time i see a guy on bbrt who says 'neg tops only' i just assume is either hunting for 'it' or is going to be converted for the arrogance anyway)

The idea that you both were/are taking bigger risks means that you are flirting with Mr. Danger/Death himself. the fact that you both realize you were taking greater risks means you were playing with fire. anybody who knows fire can burn- yet plays with it anyway, is a chaser.

[GreenChaser]

If you date a neg guy, use rubbers and don't disclose your status until you both know you have feelings for one another.

WRONG!!! Just like any important fact about a person it wouldn't be fair to the other to allow feelings to build with THIS kind of secret.

[rcc226]

You're going to be fine. Just make sure you get a good HIV MD, take your meds and get your bloodwork done regularly. Self care is key to staying healthy.