HIV and Suicide

[VersatileBreeder]

I'm not sure if this is the most appropriate place to talk about this, but at the moment, I don't know where else to go. I have reached a level of desperation in my life I have never been at before. I really, really am having a hard time talking about this, but here goes...

The anxiety of my recent poz diagnosis has been weighing on me hard. When I thought that I was starting to cope with the recent diagnosis, I started realizing it's actually just the opposite. My anxiety is getting worse. Much worse. I'm coming to a realization that I don't think I can ever live peacefully with HIV and I will never accept it.

Last week, I went out at night with a couple of friends drinking. Thinking it would be a good way to blow off some steam and just enjoy myself, it was just the opposite. I drank way too much and started getting all sorts of emotions- fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, you name it. My friend drove me home because I was way too drunk to drive. Sat on the couch and started thinking about my life. Asking myself, "what's the point of it anymore?" Hastily, I went into the bathroom and started swallowing a handful of pills, washing it down with vodka. I passed out face down in the bathroom and woke up shortly after puking like there was no tomorrow. When that subsided, I tried swallowing more pills but anything I tried to swallow from that point came right back up immediately. I spent the rest of the night passing out and waking up and puking over and over again. The next morning, I had the worst hangover of my life and still continued vomiting throughout the day. So clearly, my suicide attempt failed.

When I sobered up, I felt extreme shame for what I did. I tried blaming it on the alcohol but let's face it- I've been drunk plenty of times in my life and never tried to kill myself. Even still, I get horrible thoughts of suicide daily. I wonder things like "well, my body rejected an attempt to poison itself, but I wonder how would my body do with rejecting a gunshot to the head?" It's awful and I've never ever felt like this before.

I think I've summed it up to this- I don't want to die, but I don't want to live with HIV either. And I seriously feel like I can't. So it makes me think- what next? And that's when the suicide thoughts come into play.

Has anyone else gone through this? And if so, how to overcome it? I think the only thing that has stopped me from trying again to off myself is the thoughts of how many other people I would be affecting if I did- family, friends etc. But I'm not sure if that's going to be enough to stop me. Any advice would be much MUCH appreciated.

[wood]

We can help guide you, but you really need to seek professional help. You can easily live with HIV, and have a wonderful, and fulfilling life. This winter has been shit for a lot of people, and that is also affecting a lot of individuals. Things will continue to get better, REALLY they will. My ex who is HIV+ said that he attemped suicide before after he found out was was poz, but things got better. Its one day at a time, but dont take drastic steps. What seems like insurmountable obstacles today in hindsight are often just small bumps.

But, get help, and go talk to someone. I honestly think almost everyone should have some kind of therapist. It works wonder for mental health.

[layedback]

I agree. It's not a walk in the park, but HIV is manageable like any longterm illness. And there are so many advances in medicine and technology every day, I wouldn't be surprised if HIV is cured, or at least greatly diminished in our lifetime. As wood wrote, you can expect to live a long, fulfilling life just so long as you take your medicine, eat healthy, and get plenty of sleep and exercise. It will require vigilance and responsibility on your part, but YOU CAN DO IT. Your diagnosis is fresh; it's understandable that you're overwhelmed and frightened, but help is available for you if you ask. I too suggest you seek professional help, some type of counseling in an agency or environment in which you feel safe comfortable. Life is what you make of it. You're not a victim, and your situation isn't hopeless. You've gotta stand up and fight and surround yourself with people who have your back.

I'd also like to add that there's no shame in the feelings you had. We all get desperate sometimes and think horrible things. But it's a good sign that you know you don't want to die and recognize how destructive those thoughts are. Honestly, until you get this under control, you really shouldn't drink or take any substances that alter your consciousness. With your depression and the ambivalence you feel about your condition, substances and depression can be a lethal combination.

Edited March 31, 2014 by layedback

[Bttm2go]

You need to get help. See if there is a local support line. Most large cities and states have them. Call them. There are usually crisis lines that can get you immediate help for free. I have many, many friends with HIV who are living very well. Most likely you can too. You need to talk with someone to find out where your anxiety is coming from. It may not be what you think. Please find someone to talk to.

[TigerMilner]

I think we all feel the way you are feeling now when we are first diagnosed. I think I was in shock for several months. Do what you need to do to get through it. Here is a link to some resources that even if you are not in South Florida they may be helpful as a referral or even just to listen. Some insurance companies even will pay the cost of plane fare if inpatient care is warranted. I recommend the Pride Institute. They are a rehab that deals with HIV related stresses as well as mental health and substance abuse issues. Message me privately. Check out this link and call them today.

http://prideinstituteflorida.com/resources-and-links/

[VersatileBreeder]

You need to get help. See if there is a local support line. Most large cities and states have them. Call them. There are usually crisis lines that can get you immediate help for free. I have many, many friends with HIV who are living very well. Most likely you can too. You need to talk with someone to find out where your anxiety is coming from. It may not be what you think. Please find someone to talk to.

I think I have a pretty good idea where the anxiety is coming from. It's because I feel like the 180 that this diagnosis did to my life basically is going to bar me from doing everything I wanted to do in life and is going to just give me a future of pure misery. My life isn't going to be worth shit to my family or friends. I'm starting to feel like my life is pointless and all I'm staying alive for is to work and be miserable. So what's the point in staying alive at that point? Just be easier to be dead.

[bearbandit]

If you were in the UK, I'd be talking you into going to a "newly diagnosed" group: general recommendation is that you have a month or two by yourself to try and absorb the news (which you've had) and then start making contact with other people diagnosed at around the same time. A number of the groups in the UK are led by long term survivors. If my group facilitations skills were better (or I could get the training - the recession is hitting the UK hard) I'd be involved in leading such groups.

The biggest problems I've had with HIV have been from early versions of the drugs. I know I seroconverted 34 years ago and have been in treatment for 25 years. That's a third and a quarter respectively of a century. This disease is survivable. I've watched the evolution of drugs since the very first one (AZT), through various snake oil remedies, to what's available now: yes, my present disabilty was caused by HIV drugs, but it was an incompetent doctor (always go by personal recommendation!) who ignored a 1 in 100k possibility. I haven't had an aids related illness in 6 years, when I took a drug holiday after my partner's death.

It sounds a ridiculous thing to say, but medically there has never been a better time to get HIV. Find a support group (newly diagnosed for preference) and GO! Pay attention and be open about how you're feeling. I can't speak for the other poz guys here, but if you think I could help, PM me.

[Guest]

I think I have a pretty good idea where the anxiety is coming from. It's because I feel like the 180 that this diagnosis did to my life basically is going to bar me from doing everything I wanted to do in life and is going to just give me a future of pure misery. My life isn't going to be worth shit to my family or friends. I'm starting to feel like my life is pointless and all I'm staying alive for is to work and be miserable. So what's the point in staying alive at that point? Just be easier to be dead.

Sounds like you are accepting HIV as the definite end and that it is a closure on life. No life in this world is without a point. Yes, you have a disease that is going to impact you for the rest of your life. But it doesn't have to define you. How you live each day will define you. What hopes and dreams are lost through the diagnosis? You can still live a relatively normal life. With medication and therapy, you can take control again.

You'd be surprised at how many people will still love and accept you even though you have HIV. I've known plenty of people who have contracted the virus and live normal lives. Some have found love, gone on to be prominent people in the community and everything else.

You don't want to throw in the towel. If you did, you wouldn't be seeking help. So, embrace the help that is out there. Find a clinic that can help you, speak to a therapist and find support groups that are available to you. Life is full of shit that can take you down. Each day you do what you can, you make the choice to live.

Please, get the help you need and fight for your dreams and know you are worth it.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

Every prior post is spot on. You know I am a prepper and as such am not experiencing exactly what you are. But even by middle age many of us grapple with enough life changing conditions to relate if not to the specific condition, to others. Emotionally you are exactly where you need to be... FOR NOW. But if you were on the phone with me we would be exploring first your potential means to act upon your thoughts of self harm. You are replaying every worst case scenario as if they were preordained.

True, you have had a major change and your choices seem to be to end or work through it. Lets look at what you have done so far pop... You converted, posted here and got some powerful direction which helped you through those days. Even when you were feeling a bit better, others gave you the heads up that coming to terms was not YET over. And it isn't. You continued to converse here. And even now, your failed attempt at self harm brought you back here. You are tapping into strength you aren't feeling within yourself. Part of you knows you don't want to hurt yourself, but the chasm feels so wide right now...

What is the closest semi convenient city to you right now? Between us we can connect you to a group where you can have direct in-person conversation with people who you can bounce all the range of emotions and frustration which presently is making today difficult. Time to get you into in-person contact with a place where you can work this out without resorting to self harm to get that...

JDW

[Walkerth139]

I hope that you will seek help, suicide is never the answer. You have a life story that is solely yours, if you kill yourself you will never know how that story, the story of you, will play out. Will there be bad times? Yes, but they will go and good times will come. This is true for everyone regardless of status. There is love and beauty in this world that you need to be apart of, don't deny yourself but experience it. HIV is so manageable now, a couple of pills and as long as you stay on the meds you don't really have to think much about it. Doctors say that HIV is NOT a death sentence anymore, you will live however long you are meant to and die from something else. You might want to limit your use of alcohol until you are in a better state of mind. I would feel so bad to know that you aren't around anymore. Fight for your dreams, they are waiting to become reality for you!

[TigerMilner]

I think I have a pretty good idea where the anxiety is coming from. It's because I feel like the 180 that this diagnosis did to my life basically is going to bar me from doing everything I wanted to do in life and is going to just give me a future of pure misery. My life isn't going to be worth shit to my family or friends. I'm starting to feel like my life is pointless and all I'm staying alive for is to work and be miserable. So what's the point in staying alive at that point? Just be easier to be dead.

You may feel like "it will bar you from doing everything you wanted to do in life and is going to just give you a future of pure misery". But it is not true. First, maybe what you think you wanted is the source of the misery? Maybe you are used to living for "family or friends" and not for yourself? Sometimes things happen to us that we don't understand but in time we find out that we learn and grow from it. This may just be the very thing that frees you to be who you were meant to be and if friends and family don't embrace that, then fuck them. You have value that you aren't even aware of yet. Find it.

[Poz1956]

This isn't about what your family and friends think. It's about you. Yes you're a different person now. So your path in life has change. You can't see the future. It truth, you never could see your Real future, just something you'd mapped out. Your new future is hazy and confused. You need time to put your thoughts in order.

Consider this. One of the things you feel HIV took away from you is a wife and children. Had you stayed Neg that may well have happened. But you know full well that you would still be playing with men on the side. There would be points you'd swear off it. Then it would come flooding back and you be out searching for man time. Binge on it probably. Guilt, never do it again, then binge again. It would happen over and over again.

That whole time, you'd feel shame about your little bits on the side. You'd be terrified of catching HIV, or any other STI, and bringing it home to your wife. You'd fear her discovering your actions, outing you to your family, and in the divorce, taking you for everything you own.

That's not how you saw the idealized future with a wife and kids. But to be blunt, I think you'll agree my version would have been part of that reality too.

All that would have carried it's own stress. I've met many a man who played that dual life. It ate at them. For some the relationships ended amicably, other it was a nasty divorce.

HIV is never a good thing -- I know. But I think you'll agree, it has changed your course, and prevented that particular kind of stressful future.

You may still find a wife. The HIV discussion may lead to a woman that accepts you bisexuality. You may still have children. That path is similar to your idealized one, but with one big difference. It would force you to honest about your sexual needs. And with everything in the open, it would be a happier, healthier existence.

Maybe what I laid out is just a fantasy. It's just an example of one possible outcome. One where HIV leads you down a better path than the one you planned.

Life with HIV isn't easy. But it's still life. Life can have amazing experiences and a roller coaster of emotions. You've just come screaming down a steep slope, and are now at a low point. But soon you climb another hill, scream down another slope, -- on and on till the end of the ride. Life can be thrilling and exhilarating. At the moment it has beat you down. Get up, & fight back. We can never know our future. Yours is yet to be written.

You've had many offers of support, and suggestions for ways to seek a helping hand. Take advantage of them. You will get through this.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

Hey POP, let's try a parable here...

Up until recently you've seen yourself headed to Manhattan. You had a reliable, familiar GPS you knew would get you there; or at least you believed it would. You had a notion of what you would do there, and even a vision of what life would be like once you got there....

Then suddenly you found the road washed out in front of you. You turned off the main road to try another route, but your GPS broke and at the moment you don't even have a paper map. You are lost and Manhattan seems unattainable. What you thought was going to happen seems gone forever... Worse, you feel like you're running low on gas and you don't know where the gas stations are. At the moment pretty bleak right?

But, Manhattan is still there pretty much as it was when the road washed out. You still want to get there, in fact that invades your dreams... In truth only one thing has changed for sure and that is your path. Now you're going on a bit of a side trip. Lots is unknown... But the other thing that is true is that since leaving the main road, you have met some people. They have also experienced some unexpected diversions. Many have gotten to their original goal. Some found a new goal along the way. Some at a point discovered Manhattan didn't seem attractive at all, they found an airport and transported themselves to a new country altogether. Each of these new found friends can help you at least a bit. Some will introduce you to others... One or two might become friends you cherish for the rest of your long life. Those friends are in the posts preceding and following this post. They will give you more clues. You only FEEL lost POP. You are not lost at all... And eventually, if you still want it, you will get to Manhattan.

Pop you weren't exactly looking for this side trip, but you're in it now... Keep your head clear for awhile. Beer or more will make finding your way all the harder. At least for a couple of months until you are pretty sure of where you're headed. I hope you will do your best to throttle back on that goal of Manhattan for a few months, and pay attention to the potholes, detours, odd smooth roads you will find in just the next few miles. While you are on this unintended side trip, take time to see what is right there in front of you. It isn't all bad... In amongst the litter and disarray can be some things that one day you will look back fondly on.

I recall that you saw yourself as someday having a family. That isn't out of the question... In fact while some significant things have changed, nearly nothing has changed save that you are finding more about yourself, and now you are going to have experiences you didn't expect.

Please, take it easy tonight. Manhattan is still there...

JDW

[VersatileBreeder]

We can help guide you, but you really need to seek professional help. You can easily live with HIV, and have a wonderful, and fulfilling life. This winter has been shit for a lot of people, and that is also affecting a lot of individuals. Things will continue to get better, REALLY they will. My ex who is HIV+ said that he attemped suicide before after he found out was was poz, but things got better. Its one day at a time, but dont take drastic steps. What seems like insurmountable obstacles today in hindsight are often just small bumps.

But, get help, and go talk to someone. I honestly think almost everyone should have some kind of therapist. It works wonder for mental health.

wood, thanks again for the encouraging words. A friend of mine who is also recently poz suggested it to me too. He has been in therapy for a couple of years and said it is very valuable. Two reasons I am hesitant to go to a therapist for professional help- 1) It is expensive and I am strapped for cash right now and 2) I imagine it as going session after session to listen to someone validate my current feelings and then tell me how I should be feeling... Hardly valuable to me. I imagine it to be a waste of my time and money. I could be wrong, but that's what I imagine it to be.

Up to now, I have only told two other people about this suicide attempt: two friends of mine who are both poz. One friend took a supportive approach and talked a lot with me about it as well as made suggestions such as getting into therapy and staying away from substances like drugs or alcohol. My other friend took a bit of a stricter, more harshly worded approach. He said I was absolutely insane that I would attempt such a shameful act like suicide over an HIV diagnosis. Then again, I think he takes a bit of an unrealistic approach to what HIV actually is- he says things like "it's not even a disease anymore, it's just a condition." Basically, he makes it sound like it's just take a pill a day and you'll live forever, like it's just so fucking simple. It's hard for me to discuss matters like this with him because we seem to be on two totally different wavelengths.

Like you said, it's one day at a time, but to be completely honest- HIV scares the living shit out of me when I think about my future. I never had the greatest immune system to begin with and when I think about living with this, I just think about constantly being behind the 8 ball healthwise. All I see is a miserable future ahead and that is what is giving me these thoughts about just ending it all now. I'm not sure what I am going to do just yet, but I am sure I will figure it out soon.

[VersatileBreeder]

I agree. It's not a walk in the park, but HIV is manageable like any longterm illness. And there are so many advances in medicine and technology every day, I wouldn't be surprised if HIV is cured, or at least greatly diminished in our lifetime. As wood wrote, you can expect to live a long, fulfilling life just so long as you take your medicine, eat healthy, and get plenty of sleep and exercise. It will require vigilance and responsibility on your part, but YOU CAN DO IT. Your diagnosis is fresh; it's understandable that you're overwhelmed and frightened, but help is available for you if you ask. I too suggest you seek professional help, some type of counseling in an agency or environment in which you feel safe comfortable. Life is what you make of it. You're not a victim, and your situation isn't hopeless. You've gotta stand up and fight and surround yourself with people who have your back.

I'd also like to add that there's no shame in the feelings you had. We all get desperate sometimes and think horrible things. But it's a good sign that you know you don't want to die and recognize how destructive those thoughts are. Honestly, until you get this under control, you really shouldn't drink or take any substances that alter your consciousness. With your depression and the ambivalence you feel about your condition, substances and depression can be a lethal combination.

layedback, I get what you're saying about being able to live a long, fulfilling life with all the advances in medicine and technology. I've heard it over and over again- the drugs work, it's not a death sentence anymore, just a pill a day, etc. That's not what's driving my suicidal thoughts. It's only a small part of it.

Living under the stigma of HIV along with a multitude of other issues I have (and have had before the poz diagnosis) are what are more or less driving it. I do have a lot of other unresolved issues, which I'm not going to start discussing here (you'd be here all day reading it if I did). Depression amplifies the implication of these issues. Depression also runs wild on my mother's side of the family. My mother and my sister suffer from it. My sister has gone to therapy, but refuses to take medication for depression, despite her psychiatrist's high recommendations for her to get on medication. My mother just denies that she suffers from depression and would just rather sulk in misery when she has her episodes. Most of my cousins (and I have many) are on Lexipro. My uncle tried to kill himself a few years ago when his wife divorced him. So clearly, you can see I have a disposition for depression, but it affects everyone in my family in different ways. For me, it seems to manifest itself in self-blame, poor self image, hopelessness for the future and a general feeling that the world doesn't need me and would probably be better without me. Add an HIV diagnosis on top of all that and it's like the final nail in the coffin. So like I said, I'm trying to get this all sorted out. Not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I'll figure it out sooner or later.