Wanting To Be Poz For Partner: Worth It?

[Seedloverke]

Hi all,

 

I've been together with two guys for more than ten years now, my husband and our boyfriend, though I was young when we started, so still well under thirty here. Our boyfriend has been poz and undetectable for as long as we've known him, but now just last week we've gotten the news that my husband has become poz too. 

 

(we went to the docter because he had a rash and flu-like symbols, all that jazz, test came back inconclusive, couple of weeks later a re-test came back poz, bloodwork shows extremely high viral load, recent infection, yadda yadda,...)

 

Now we haven't exactly been nuns, we've been barebacking for almost two years, but we've always tried to stay neg, as in: we always discussed status in advance, only barebacked with other guys when they were undetectable, got tested for other std's regularly etc and while we knew one day we could become poz, we hoped to postpone it for as long as possible. 

 

Now I'm wondering what the point is: my husband doesn't want to have bare sex with me until he is undetectable for 6 months (which is the medical guideline apparently) because he doesn't want to infect me. But both my partners are poz, and I kind of wonder what the point is in me staying neg. I kind of feel left out even (and at the seem time feel ashamed for feeling like this, I never considered myself a bug chaser, I don't want this virus, I just want to be part in what's an important aspect of my two partners' life). I know it's still a serious thing, but I was wondering what your advice would be:

 

would becoming poz make my life easier, harder? I realize that it's not a very rational thought, but anyone else who can relate? Anyone out there in a serodiscordant relationship that can give me some advice?

 

thanks in advance... 

 

[tallbtm]

Have you considered going on PrEP if you're in a country where it's available? It's specifically recommended for, among others, serodiscordant couples where one person is neg and one person is poz. (Or in your case, three persons.)

[Ranger Rick]

PReP is probably the optimal solution. In my experiences, decisions made on the basis of, "I feel like this is something I want right now" seldom work out well.

[Ken2809]

I think you need to deal with your feelings about being excluded from this relationship before you make any irreversible decisions. Your threesome relationship sounds positive and mutually supportive -their not wanting to infect you, so take the time to work through all these feelings before moving forward.

[bearbandit]

I can understand the feeling of being left out: just as you can't really grasp the gut-wrencher that is HIV, their memories of being HIV- inevitably fade. I can understand the urge to line up alongside each other and face it together. When I was one of a triad in the late nineties, it was my husband who was the negative one. All three together or just me and my husband: keep it safe. Just me and our boyfriend: what's a condom? As tallbtm says you're an excellent candidate for PrEP if it's available where you are. No problems if you're in the US, other than the usual ones your byzantine health system throws up, more difficult elsewhere. If you're in UK the PROUD study hopes to recruit 2,500 gay men early next year, providing they get the funding. Other countries, you may be able to get it prescribed "off-label" as with two HIV+ partners you're at high risk.

Kudos to your husband for wanting to protect you by waiting till he's gone six months undetectable. Six months isn't so long. I know of guys who've seroconverted and damn near died within five years. I know of people who had seroconversion illness so badly that they were hospitalised for months. Say you go ahead and get pozzed; therapeutic (as opposed to preventative) HIV treatment isn't necessarily a picnic. What if you end up being the one who has difficulty getting a regime that you can tolerate? How much anxiety will that put on your husband and boyfriend? Some people are lucky and can get away with a single combination pill a day - what if, like me, it turns out you can't tolerate the drugs in the combination? I'll be honest here and say that I fell out of the side-effect tree and hit every branch on the way down: few people go through the crap I've been through with ARVs. Are you prepared to gamble your future?

HIV just ain't worth it. My husband got it at work, giving first aid to someone who'd hit an artery instead of a vein when shooting up. We thought nothing of it at the time, but five years later after a needlestick injury at work, policy then dictated he be tested for HIV and Hep B/C. The HIV test came back with a CD4 count low enough to show that he's had it for some time. I guess what you're feeling right now is similar to what I felt then: I just wanted to somehow get it out of his body. If I hadn't already got it, I would have wanted to get it.

You've already got a husband and boyfriend with HIV: that's enough to worry about without you joining them.

[Seedloverke]

Thanks for the replies allready, PrEP is unfortunately not an option in my country (the doctors can prescribe it, but we have to pay the full cost, and that's in the three digit numbers every month). 

[seaguy]

What country are you in?

[wood]

Have you considered going on PrEP if you're in a country where it's available? It's specifically recommended for, among others, serodiscordant couples where one person is neg and one person is poz. (Or in your case, three persons.)

best option, and to answer the question, no I would not want to become poz for a partner, and would actively try and avoid that happening to me.  

[fskn]

This is a very serious and personal decision, of course. I personally would become Poz for a partner or partners (yay triad!) if it were serious relatiomship.

[Poz1956]

If you could get on PrEP, then you'd all be taking ARVs and in that sense be part of the same club.  (I know you already said you can't)

Please also consider the feelings of your husband.  The thought of having passed the bug on to you could be divesting to him.  For most Poz guys, their biggest fear is transmitting it to someone else.

[GermanFucker]

Now I'm wondering what the point is: my husband doesn't want to have bare sex with me until he is undetectable for 6 months (which is the medical guideline apparently) because he doesn't want to infect me. But both my partners are poz, and I kind of wonder what the point is in me staying neg. I kind of feel left out even (and at the seem time feel ashamed for feeling like this, I never considered myself a bug chaser, I don't want this virus, I just want to be part in what's an important aspect of my two partners' life).

 

 

The answer to that question is simple: If it's not something you yourself really want, DON'T GET THE VIRUS. "Eh, what's the point" is not a good enough reason for such a life-changing decision. Neither is the feeling of being "left out".

 

Sometimes a relationship requires making choices and thus limiting your own personal options for the future (moving in together, getting married, having children etc.). But getting pozzed is NOT something you absolutely HAVE TO DO to make your relationship work, as your experience with your poz boyfriend clearly proves.

 

So don't expect an emotional reward for getting infected. You might feel regrets and even your husband might feel weird about it. True partnership is not about getting matching outfits (or serostatuses for that matter), its about meeting on the same level, about seeing eye to eye. And for that you sometimes have to retain some independence. So you shouldn't make life-altering just decision to please anyone, not even your partner. In fact he might respect you less for it.

 

 

 

 

would becoming poz make my life easier, harder? I realize that it's not a very rational thought, but anyone else who can relate? Anyone out there in a serodiscordant relationship that can give me some advice?

 

thanks in advance... 

 

From personal experience with poz friends, including those with serodiscordant relationships:

 

Like most people you will adapt to having HIV. It will be different, but over time it will be just fine. But don't expect it to solve any problems. If you don't feel the need to get infected because of a fetishistic obsession with bugchasing, it won't make you happier or your life easier. (E.g.: If you are the worrying type and constantly think about what might be if you get infected, you will then worry about what might happen if you develop side effects or resistances to meds). The only differences is: You can't go back. So you have to ask yourself: DO YOU REALLY WANT ONE MORE THING TO WORRY ABOUT UNLESS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO?

 

IMHO and from what I've seen serostatus has nothing to do with a relationship's sucess. It's the same as with everyone: Mutual respect, communication, honesty, sincerity and caring is what matters.

 

[fskn]

GermanFucker makes a good point: don't become Poz for an external reason such as hoping that it will help your relationship. If it's something you want(ed) for yourself, that is a different story.

Instead of saying I'd become Poz "for" my partner(s), I should have said "with" them. I see it as a risk, which I mitigate by taking PrEP and by knowing that my boyfriend has an undetectable viral load. Nevertheless, the thought of becoming Poz does not scare me. I have good medical care, perfect adherence to Truvada, and tools to lead a healthy life.

With full respect for the struggles that Poz guys go through, I will be honest and say that I find the thought of being converted by a partner mildly erotic. What about you?

On the question of whether your becoming Poz would benefit your relationship, I would say that complete freedom from worry during sex is one benefit, or rather, that your husband and your boyfriend might have a nagging worry about infecting you and that this could color sex within the relationship.