Biggest Regret?

[leatherpunk16]

I have many regerts [sic], but I'll share just one. Not the biggest, but certainly true.

When I was 22, a brother from another chapter of my fraternity joined my university's chapter, a bitchy bottom named Rob. The day we met him, he told us who he was and all of us accepted him. I did not - I could see from the start that this dude was Trouble with a capital B. Rob let us know, in no uncertain terms, that he was a faggot and had no shame about it. 

Coming from a place that wasn't accepting of such people - we were objects of ridicule in those days - I felt I needed to connect with Rob, even if I didn't like him. My thinking then was that I could get him on my good side, and have a gay ally. I was NOT out of the time, and really not comfortable with my sexuality. I think I pinged his gaydar, and we tried to talk alone on that first day. Privacy we certainly had, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him about my desires. 

As our first year together went on, he saw some very ugly sides of the person I was. I did some pretty hateful unforgivable things during fraternity activities, and told a lot of lies about a lot of things. I was seriously fucked up, and did everything I could to sabotage the fraternity.

He and I were NOT friends, but we weren't enemies, either. He was just a smartass, and I was a closeted pussy with an inflated ego. One night, I made a pass at one of our more attractive brothers in a covert way, and Rob detected it. He dragged me outside, and grilled me about whether I was attracted to men. I dodged the question repeatedly, which probably told him everything he needed to know. I was VERY CLOSE to spilling my guts when one of our other brothers came into sight, and invaded our space. I took that as an insult as well as a relief because the focus would be taken off me for a sec. I don't think I ever officially told Rob, though I tried really hard to build a bridge with him. 

In hindsight, I think Rob knew where I was coming from. The anxiety over coming out might have been very similar to his - I don't remember if he ever shared his coming out story with me. Or maybe it wasn't. But I think that if I had just given in and answered his query, maybe the whole course of my gay life would have been different. It's entirely possible that Rob and I fought because of sexual tension between us, and maybe we would have fucked if I had just admitted it. Why does a boy fight with a girl in his class and put gum in her hair, and play dirty tricks on her? Malice? No. It's because he likes her. And I wasn't that different. I like to think it would have been possible, and maybe he would have helped me come to terms, accept myself, come out to peers and family, and live a happier life. 

I regret this because it would have led down a different road. Maybe a better road, but because it was so long ago, I can't know how that would have turned out. A missed opportunity that was in my fucking hands, and I just dropped it and ran.

Maybe I should look him up. Wouldn't take long to dig up his Facebook profile. It won't change the past, and he'll probably still have resentment toward me for all the shit I did back then, but... does he need to know? Does it matter after 20 years? Or is it best to let a sleeping dog lie?

[rublthlad]

Waiting till last year to decide to get pozzed, should have done it in my 20’s

[WestPhillyGuy]

Could have met a viral pox top - he wanted to comvert my older neg ass - I didn't do it.

[alwaysready]

to quote j. maynard keynes: 'my biggest regret is that i did not drink more champagne.'    skol!

[boy4you]

4 hours ago, pozboy said:

what age you think you'd have been poz if that had happened?

Can’t say as I came to NYC as a virgin