Is My Bf A Bully?

[losttop]

My bf has this tendency of only noticing when I make negative remarks about him, but apparently it's ok when he makes negative remarks about me...don't get me wrong I'm not a saint in anyway and I have said some nasty remarks in the past but I always recognize this and he doesn't. I consider myself to be a loving person towards my bf. I always try to make him feel good and stand by him always even when I know he is wrong. He is bit of a belly but I always let him know that it doesn't matter and that I love him no matter what size he is...I also compliment him on how sexy he looks in certain outfits...he on the other hand has said that he doesn't like me if I gain weight and sometimes he makes remarks like : r u really wearing that? I would lie if I would say that it does not bother me...because it does. He always tries to come across towards my friends as a really nice guy.... But in fact he is not. Sometimes it seems that he enjoys putting me down to mask his own insecurities. I love him but sometimes I wonder if I should stay with him...he makes me feel insecure and unwanted at times...if I try to talk about it he tells me that I overreact...what do u guys think? How should I approach this?

[bberik]

IMHO if you have doubts, he's probably not right for you. But who am I to judge? I'm single by choice.

[cam1972]

I don't know that bully is the correct word to use... More like.... uncaring, rude, two faced and........ Not right for you. He won't be right for anyone til he figures out that it's not all about him. Why waste your time on someone who disrespects you? No amount of love you have towards him negates any of his actions. Move on. It may hurt now, but you'll be very glad you did when you realize how much better you feel about yourself. We can give all the advice we have til we are blue in the face, but it all comes down to you making that choice. But in my opinion, the sooner, the better.

[Bttm2go]

Cam1972 nailed it.

[Kylan]

If your "bf" does things that make you unhappy or if you find yourself saying that he is not a nice guy or if you feel insecure and unwanted by him then he is not a person with whom you should be spending (I'd say 'wasting') your time.  It doesn't even matter whether or not he is objectively  a "bully" or whether or not other people think he is a good guy or a bad guy.  What matters is that he makes you feel bad and unhappy which means, even if he's the most handsome man alive, a hot lover and fabulously wealthy to boot and is also dream husband of all you friends, he is the wrong person for you.

  Unless you want to have it out with him (and it doesn't sound to me like you do or that you need to) this is a relatively easy break up.   All you need to do is tell him "thanks, this isn't really working any more for me, have a nice life" and walk away.  If he asks for an explanation and you want something general, you can just say " Sorry, but I've realized that I'm not happy and need to move on"  or "I'm just feeling like I need something  different, sorry.  good luck to you."   And (this is important) if he starts to be rude, nasty or hurtful to you, then just walk away fast -- leave or hang up or stop communicating -- you 've broken up and there's no reason to put up with being upset by him further.

[losttop]

Sometimes he is really loving and caring....maybe it's my fault for showing him that I care a lot about him. I just don't understand how he can be so cold at times. He doesn't drink much.... But sometimes when we go out, he can overdo it and he can become this monster...the other day we went out and he was picking fights with people.... Some of them came to me and asked is that ur friend!? Then we went to other place and he started being mr. Nice guy to everyone. By that time I just felt pissed off with him and started acting like distant so these people thought I was horrible and he was mr. Nice guy. Sexually is not that great either...for some reason he doesn't like oral sex with me while he does it with others.... Which is frustrating and I think is disrespectful.Sometimes I just feel sad and alone...almost numb. I know I should break it up if things don't improve fast.

[totaldarkness]

 

Sometimes he is really loving and caring....maybe it's my fault for showing him that I care a lot about him. I just don't understand how he can be so cold at times. He doesn't drink much.... But sometimes when we go out, he can overdo it and he can become this monster. I know I should break it up if things don't improve fast.

 

 

What you're describing is abuse, not a healthy relationship. Don't wait for things to improve. End it now.

[cam1972]

Sometimes he is really loving and caring....maybe it's my fault for showing him that I care a lot about him. I just don't understand how he can be so cold at times. Sometimes I just feel sad and alone...almost numb. I know I should break it up if things don't improve fast.

First off, you shouldn't be blaming yourself for his selfish, despicable behavior. Your fault for showing you care a lot about him?? That NEVER should result in bad behavior from him. The response should be positive instead. Feeling sad and alone to the point of feeling numb? Never acceptable in a relationship. Speaking from experience (I have a feeling most guys who have responded are doing also), things are never going to improve. They never do in these situations. Yeah... He might "change" if he finds out you are leaving, but don't fall for that. He will fall back into those patterns soon after. I say this with concern and kindness: Quit making excuses for him and get the hell out of there. Seriously. The things I endured because I just wouldn't listen to those who saw what I didn't want to see...... Still impact my life. Don't make the same mistake.

[lungfucker]

The technical term for him is "narcissist."  Google the word, and check the diagnostic tools for the disorder, and I'll bet you'll have an answer.  They are difficult to deal with, and you can never please them.  Unless he seeks professional help, there is no hope.  He is not a boyfriend; he is an abuser.

[NLbear]

You don't have much luck with boyfriends, do you? If I remember correctly the previous one was just such a jerk as this one seems to be. Are you two living together? If yes, find an apartment or house of your own and start fresh. He'll only hurt you more and make you unhappy if you stay together. If no, just cut the ties.

And don't move in with a new bf after a few weeks or months. I know what it's like to have no place to go when the relationship goes bad.

[seaguy]

You could try seeing a couples therapist if you want to try and stay with him and see if he can change but otherwise I would agree that your best moving on and finding someone  who is not so mentally abusive.

Sometimes he is really loving and caring....maybe it's my fault for showing him that I care a lot about him. I just don't understand how he can be so cold at times. He doesn't drink much.... But sometimes when we go out, he can overdo it and he can become this monster...the other day we went out and he was picking fights with people.... Some of them came to me and asked is that ur friend!? Then we went to other place and he started being mr. Nice guy to everyone. By that time I just felt pissed off with him and started acting like distant so these people thought I was horrible and he was mr. Nice guy. Sexually is not that great either...for some reason he doesn't like oral sex with me while he does it with others.... Which is frustrating and I think is disrespectful.Sometimes I just feel sad and alone...almost numb. I know I should break it up if things don't improve fast.

Alcohol brings out the true person he is I have an ex I gave the boot after he showed up drunk off his ass and wouldn't leave after he started being verbally abusive calling my family white trash and shit. I finally had to call the police and guess who went to jail because he had a warrant for his arrest he did.  He couldn't afford bail and had no one who'd bail him out so he spent Christmas in jail.  The warrant was because he had a previous domestic violence case where he was ordered to attend a class on DV but he never did.  I have not had contact with him since and do not regret ending it one bit.

[losttop]

I know that it's not like a relationship should be....there r times that I do feel very close to him and other times I just resent him. He can be caring but he also has a mean streak to him. He is highly intelligent and very witty. I'm more the type u get what u c. Like he will send me like messages with bit double meanings and that leave me confused....I like it to be straight forward and simple....most of the times I think he plays mind games.... Other times I think he is just goofy. Either way..., I don't feel good being with him and that's the real issue. The problem is that I have just moved from Europe across the pond to have a live with him. Don't want to take hasty decisions.... But if it gets unbearable I will go or back to Europe or stay in the US. Fortunately I am financially depending on him. I have good well paying job with lots of travel involved. It's complicated....but in the end I will choose what's good for me.

[fskn]

Leave him, now!

I read all three of your posts in the thread. I wasted 9 years domestically partnered with and then legally married to a jerk who who used put-downs and displayed the same ambivalence that you see in your boyfriend. He also became a sexual prude. I am much happier now that he is completely out of my life.

Relationships are all about choice. I chose to be single for a long time, and now I'm choosing to be with a boyfriend who is unambiguously nice.

Couples counseling can be useful, but be wary. There is a perverse incentive at work: the faster a couple resolves its differences, the less money the counselor earns.

One thing you could do before pulling the plug is to print everything you've written here (without people's responses, which might blindside your boyfriend), give it to him, and see how he responds. If he wants to change and wants you to stay with him, start by making him suck your dick, just like he does with other men.

Edited July 18, 2015 by fskn

[cam1972]

I am of the belief the original poster's mind already knew what choice he would make before he posted. I'm not saying this to be unkind at all. I think he was hoping he would find support for his choice. Even tho he hasn't, I can see his mind is still made up to stay. All I can say is.... I hope you don't have too many emotional scars and regrets once it does end. And it will end. If you won't end it, he will. When he's had enough fun with his mind games and wants to try something new with someone else. But the cost to you? Priceless. Damn shame. He's not worth a penny.

[losttop]

I am of the belief the original poster's mind already knew what choice he would make before he posted. I'm not saying this to be unkind at all. I think he was hoping he would find support for his choice. Even tho he hasn't, I can see his mind is still made up to stay. All I can say is.... I hope you don't have too many emotional scars and regrets once it does end. And it will end. If you won't end it, he will. When he's had enough fun with his mind games and wants to try something new with someone else. But the cost to you? Priceless. Damn shame. He's not worth a penny.

u r bit harsh but I defenitely can c where u r coming from...I really don't think things will improve either...but u must not forget that I have moved homes to be with this man. I will finish it when right time comes. I do love him and I know he has lots of baggage...I just don't know if I can or want to handle it.