Confessions In a Green Notebook

[Toon]

1982

I was starting my freshman year of high school in a stupid hick town in the middle of the country. And I knew I was gay.. That knowledge came as a heavy blow. I'd never be happy or successful. I'd never be a man. My strategy was just to avoid doing anything that would set me apart. I wanted to belong and be normal --- even though I was pretending and in disguise. It worked for a long time. Our particular school had rules about what made you gay. For instance, anyone who wore green on Thursdays was gay. I had a bunch of green shirts because it had always been my favorite color. I never wore them now. My parents didn't notice my struggles because they were older and always working. Eventually, green just became associated with homosexuality. You couldn't have anything green on any day. Green was gay.

The Summer before my sophomore year, Mom went and got my school supplies without even asking me what I wanted. I didn't complain. Shopping with that woman was a nightmare. But she got me a spiral notebook with a green cover. No way could I ever take that to school. I just hid it in a drawer and went to class that September, avoiding green at all times. I hated those years, but I got through them...and graduated. The day before I left for college, I was packing up all my stuff and looking forward to a new life. I came across that unused green notebook and added it along with all my other junk. 

  The following are diary entries added to that green notebook:

9/1/85

My roommate is a total dork. Wants to be an architect, As if!!  He's very religious too and plays with his watch all the time. He snores. Loudly. I went to the club fair at the student union. There was nothing I wanted to be a part of. There's an actually gay cub here!! They had a big sign above there booth that said "Someone You Know Is Gay". I didn't go near that table.

9/13/85

I hate my German teacher! He's a dick. I may go to McDonald's tonite. 

9/19/85

Well, Labor Day weekend at home was real fun. Mom and Dad cooked out but looked like they had headaches the whole time. My asshole older sister was there too. We hate each other. She told me to be careful at college because college was where people strayed away from 'The Lord' at my age. hahahaha. I fucking hate her. 

11/10/85

My stupid roommate dropped out to go on some mission to somewhere poor in Africa . To pray at them I guess. So I have the room to myself. YAY!!! I hate German. The mid-term is going to be a bitch. I dread this. That gay club put flyers up here. There's an actual party/dance or whatever at the union center. How could they just go be gay in the open/???? Did they dance with each other? Openly? There's a midnight showing of an Andy Warhol movie that same night. I'll probably go to it. There's a guy on my floor who is so hot looking! He might be from the middle east or Mexico or somewhere. He's brownish and has a wonderful deep voice. He said hello to me once in that voice. I bet he sings. He always wears shorts and sandals. Nice legs. I guess we all have nice legs here because the campus has so many hills. Maybe I should lift weights.

11/15/85

Well I went to see Andy Warhol's dracula movie last night. Horrible. How is he a famous artist?? The whole night was pretty bad. Idiot me went and bought beer from QT and drank a few before going out. Uggh. I don't like the taste of beer but I'm 18 now and it feels like a college thing to do. I listened to my favorite Adam Ant cassette and drank maybe three beers. I thought I'd once heard that three is the amount you need to get drunk. I finally just left the dorm and walked to the union. As soon as I got there I felt sick to my stomach. I needed to find a bathroom and hurl. The movie was on the third floor, but I went to the fourth floor bathroom. I hate throwing up, but it had to be done or I'd not be able to enjoy the movie (which I didn't up doing anyway) The bathroom was empty and I left all the beer Id drank in one of the toilets. OK. Not ever drinking again. I could hear loud music from the floor above. Oh yeah. I forgot all about the gay dance. I felt better and went down to watch the movie. I almost left several times because it was so awful. It was supposedly rated x, but there was only some bare boobs and one guy's soft penis. I left and started the walk back here. I'm almost sure I saw the deep-voiced guy outside, smoking a cigarette. Maybe it wasn't him. Either he went to the movie or was at the gay party.

11/17/85

Done with midterms! I think I aced most of them. Maybe not. Now I have to worry about finals. OH!! The guy with the baritone voice is named "Oscar". Heard somebody call him that. I hate the idea of going home for thanksgving. The drive is SO long!!! My sister always insists on saying grace and it takes her about twenty minutes. I hate her. Every thought I have about Oscar is interrupting me. I told myself I was going to be straight from now on, but it's not working out. I'm weak. Hopefully I get a good job someday and can go to a doctor to be cured of all my problems.

11/19/85

I'm home now. Back in my little kiddie bedroom. Thanksgiving was not bad I guess. My sister had a sore throat and could barely talk! HAHAHAHA! She went to bed early and I watched football with dad while mom did dishes and stuff. He let me drink wine. I liked it better than beer, but not much. He asked me if I'd met any girls so far. Can't remember exactly what I said, but it was basically a NO. I'd met a perfect guy with a deep voice and perfect body, but no way could I ever tell him that. Wine isn't so bad -- I am sleepy as hell now. zzzzz

11/25/85

I am so busy right now!!!! I take showers late, late, late at night after I'm done studying. I saw Oscar get out of the shower and didn't stop myself from looking at him! He was large and bulky with no fat that I could see. He had a line of hair down his stomach and the dick was pretty nice too!! Don't think he saw me look at him.  God! What if he did???? I got in the shower stall and had a stiffy the whole time. I think I had found my dream man. But no way. He probably has a girlfriend.

12/3/85

Finished my first two finals today!! There might be a tiny chance I get all As this semester. The English final was super easy and the art history final was pretty smooth too. But the best thing was running into Oscar earlier!!!!! We were both on the same walkway through the memorial park. He was having a smoke and walking kind of slow. I caught up to him and said hi!!! He said hi back and we fell into pace together. He offered me a smoke and I accepted. I never knew how to smoke or what it was like. He told me that this whole park was very cruisy. I wasn't sure what that meant. I'd always heard cruising meant you drove hot rods around, but there were no streets here. So I asked him if he cruised here...and he told me he'd been cruising since he was 16.??I didn't ask anything more so he wouldn't think I was a moron. We got back here and I went to start studying right away. I got three finals in two days. I LOVE OSCAR!!!! I think

12/6/85

German final was pretty hard. Calculus wasn't so bad and Geology was a piece of cake. I'M DONE!!!! The dorms don't close for four more days. I can do whatever I want now! I should probably do some fucking Christmas shopping. I don't know where to buy anything or even what to buy. I did buy some cigarettes tho. I was starting to like it more and more. Watching Get Smart right now. Dumb.

(later)

Went to go pee and saw Oscar walking to his room carrying two bottles of wine. Guess he's done with finals too.

12/7/85

UNBELIEVABLE!!! Oscar was loitering in the dining hall after lunch and I asked him if he was going to cruise today. He said he was and invited me to go with him!!!!! He wants me to come by his room tonight!!! I seriously can't believe this!! I have to shower and pick out something to wear. It's cold out and I love smoking SO MUCH!! 

12/17/85

Sorry I haven't written in so long. I have so much to report. So I went to Oscar's room that night. I was wearing a new sweater Mom had given me a while back. I knocked and he answered the door in just his underwear!!!!! He laughed and told me I was early. He was still getting dressed but told me to have a glass of wine while he finished. He had a very decent TV and so I watched Cosby Show. The wine was good. I remembered my shit experience with beer but this stuff was different. He had an ashtray on the arm of the couch and so I took out a cig and smoked. More wine and then more. He took so long. Once he came back, he looked like 100 million bucks and smelled so good. I forgot about putting on aftershave. DAMN! I wanted him to go back to just his undies, but we were ready to go. He asked if I liked the wine and I said yes. He opened the second bottle and filled two glasses all the way up. We smoked and drank and I secretly wondered if he would be okay to drive. He wanted to go cruise and I decided not to worry. We put coats on and left. It had gotten colder and the air smelled like snow. Hold on. Mom is calling me for some reason

OK. I'm back. I thought we'd be going to the parking lot, but instead we went down the hill toward the park. Kept my mouth shut even tho I had about ten questions. We strayed off the sidewalk and went down to where there more trees. Cruising isn't what I thought it was. It meant that you went looking for S-E-X!!! In the dark. Everything was starting to make sense. Oscar came here to have fucks. I wondered if he wanted to have sex with me, but instead he brought me there to help him look. He said something about how the ace went dead during winter break. He liked it that way because the guys who did show up were more desperate. But nobody was there. It was too cold. I just wanted to be back at his place and drink wine and see him in his underwear. Hold on.

Back. I'm here again. So Oscar lit two cigarettes and gave me one. He shivered a little and asked me if I wanted to leave. I almost said I did but then his arms wrapped around me and we were KISSING!!!!! He told me later that it was the best kiss he'd ever had. I think I dropped the cig right then. It was my first kiss of my life. He led me a little deeper into the bushes and trees. I thought my head and heart and everything would explode. Then he got different. Pushed me down to my knees and unzipped his black jeans. He wiped his cold hard dick against my cheek. I knew he wanted me to make a move and suck on it. So I did. There was no cold or park or trees anymore. Just that dick getting warmer in my mouth. No way was this happening. He moved in and out of my mouth with a cigarette still in his mouth. I was holding his legs which were still cold. He spit on my face which I thought meant I'd done a bad job. But he kept his big hands on my head. 

(next page) He was cold and wanted to go back. As we walked back i the frozen air with jittering teeth, he asked me if I knew about gay issues and heath issues. I think I knew what he was taking about, but played dumb. I just told him that I knew some stuff. He put one arm around me and we finally made it back to the building. There wasn't even a question about where we'd go now. We went to his room. He poured more wine and then completely undressed. He just stood there with his hard dick standing out. I knew he wanted me to do the same so I did. He looked even taller in this small space. Oscar was overwhelming in many ways. I'll finish later...Mom wants me to come down and help decorate the tree. Ughh!!! It's a fake tree that smells like our basement. The ornaments smell mold and dead mice. FUCK!!!

Where was I? Oh. So my dream man and I were standing there naked. His roommate was gone I guess. We went to his bed and started exploring each other. Tongues, skin, hair. OH MY GOD!!! Then he told me that he had a sickness inside of him. I knew what he meant. Maybe his words didn't sound so bad because his voice was so sexy. I accepted it all and just let him take the lead. He FUCKED ME!!! No rubber, no nothing. He just buried that dick in me while I yelled. Nobody was around. Nobody could hear us. He fucked me like a man fucking a woman. It didn't last long. I can't say it felt good physically, but it felt good to touch minds with him. If that makes any sense

1/17/86

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I'm back at school. Oscar and I are sharing a room now. His dad is a doctor and and an alumni. Oscar forced him to pull strings so we could live together. We fuck all the time now. Several times a day even. He made me go to the student health center and get tested. I had HIV. He and I are going to face this together now. I feel great!!!! I love my Oscar for life!

 

[Toon]

Dear Moderator(s):

Could one of you kindly add an 'n' to the title? It's meant to be "Confessions"

[drscorpio]

Sure - done

[lynn1964]

Toon beautifully brings to life, the true coming out of many. That all time memorable "first time" many of us experienced. Especially back in the early to mid 80's. How incredible just those words put to paper (screen) in bringing back that fondest memory of the one we love being the first to "take" us and begin our journey! I now love Oscar and, of course, I love Toon!

Another beautiful story of love and taking tainted seed!

[Toon]

17 hours ago, drscorpio said:

Sure - done

Thanks, man.

[Toon]

6 hours ago, lynn1964 said:

Toon beautifully brings to life, the true coming out of many. That all time memorable "first time" many of us experienced. Especially back in the early to mid 80's. How incredible just those words put to paper (screen) in bringing back that fondest memory of the one we love being the first to "take" us and begin our journey! I now love Oscar and, of course, I love Toon!

Another beautiful story of love and taking tainted seed!

Thanks, Lynn! You're way too kind!!