Losing interest in hookups

[RWHID]

After my one bad relationship and two short lived ones, I decided to just say fuck love or finding someone to stay with, and just have meaningless sex. It has worked out for the past 4 years, but now I seem to be losing more and more interest in random hookups. I find myself wanting to be with just one person, but with severe anxiety it's hard to attempt to meet anyone. I managed to post an ad, looking for friends only, in hopes I would hit it off with someone, but all I got back was my ex, which I ended that quickly. I've tried Grindr but all they want is sex, I've tried dating sites but I get either no responses, or people too far away to even attempt to connect with in person, or they find some lame excuse not to meet. I don't know. Anyone else in the same boat?

[Guest Upstateguy518]

Right there with you man. I have insanely bad anxiety, I could even be with friends but once I am in a crowded place, I just shut down. I can't do it and it definitely makes it hard to find someone. I am still at the stage where I am mostly just in it for sex but if I found someone worth settling for, I'd stay faithful to them. Right now, I make it clear that fucking is the way to go.

[ConversionPiglet]

4 hours ago, RWHID said:

After my one bad relationship and two short lived ones, I decided to just say fuck love or finding someone to stay with, and just have meaningless sex. It has worked out for the past 4 years, but now I seem to be losing more and more interest in random hookups. I find myself wanting to be with just one person, but with severe anxiety it's hard to attempt to meet anyone. I managed to post an ad, looking for friends only, in hopes I would hit it off with someone, but all I got back was my ex, which I ended that quickly. I've tried Grindr but all they want is sex, I've tried dating sites but I get either no responses, or people too far away to even attempt to connect with in person, or they find some lame excuse not to meet. I don't know. Anyone else in the same boat?

Oh, I been there and never left.  Stay long enough and you will pick up a scammer that makes you think that maybe love can be in the cards, in the long run, alienate you further away.  Personally I agree, love is a joke not meant for some of us no matter what we do, say or alter in our lives.

 

[Guest hungandmean]

Dating in the age of Grindr, Recon, Bbrts, etc, is defiinitely a bit more complicated. There used to be only a few options for gays to meet. There's also definitely been a big push away from monogamy that i've seen lately.

Dating at this point is like a muscle. You have to flex it. You need to date honestly and frequently and eventually you'll get better at spotting the dudes who just want to fuck, who aren't into you, or recognize that maybe you're not that into them and you're just settling.

You can't post just one ad, or spend a week on Grindr and expect to find something worthwhile. It's like expecting a hole in one when you aren't Tiger Woods You've apparently been out of the game for a while, so start working on your game boy.

[RWHID]

I just don't know. My first boyfriend and I split in 2013. Since they have been flakes, just to use me, even though I have little to my name. I just want to be happy, but that means I fist need to be happy with myself. I am, but it's a daily struggle to even try to meet people. An ex family member has made it her missing for the past 4 months to attempt to make my life harder. She's constantly posting on Topix about my HIV status, nothing I can do but report to be removed, but each time one comes down, 5 more go up. She's posting fake ads on Craigslist as me, now I'm thinking she has my pictures on Grindr. She is now claiming I give HIV to children. I haven't even had contact with anyone except for close family and my best friend. Sometimes I wonder why I even want to go on, but I know she's be happier if I left. It's one of the reasons I want to give up hook ups all together and find someone to be with, and move away from here, but then none of the gays here even give me the time of day, due to another guy I dated a couple years back.

[tallslenderguy]

I've never had an ltr with a man. I have lots of experience with ltr, just with a woman (married 31 years, i was religious...long story). I've been divorced since 08, dated a lot when I first split with my wife. Had some experiences that were pretty comical, all the usual stuff of guys misrepresenting themselves, me driving a 100 miles for a date only to find out the guy had pics that didn't represent him. I'd pretty much laugh it off, usually ended up paying for the meal and then never seeing them again. One guy proposed to me sight unseen a week after 'meeting' and talking on the phone. He was super romantic, but also misrepresented himself and then to cover told me he'd found someone who needed him more than me. I replied that I never said I "needed" him and that I didn't think "need" a good basis for relationship. He contacted me 4 weeks later and tried to renew things and i found out that the "someone" who needed him was a cat that had gotten hit by a car.

LMAO, you can't make this stuff up. I've also dated some really fantastic people, but we just weren't a match. I dated a lesbian who was a visiting PhD from Germany who mentioned she'd probably be killed if some of her friends in Germany knew she was dating a man (turns out she was a leader in the lesbian community in Germany). She wanted sex, I didn't, but I enjoyed my time with her. Also dated a FtM trans person who was also in a poly relationship with a woman (13 years). I've had a short but really intense online relationship with a Dom guy. 

All that to say I don't regret a moment of it, life is pretty damned fun, fascinating and exciting i think. I'm pretty forgiving of peoples foibles. Having been a married to a woman gay guy for much of my life helped give me perspective i guess.  

I have come to believe that friendship is highly under rated and under used. I am not convinced that the heteronormative relationship model is ideal for anyone (straights included). For instance, i think the notion that one person can be everything for each other is ludicrous (not saying you are suggesting that). I'm not talking monogamy either, i'm thinking emotional and intellectual needs. I think we are much more likely to meet one another wants/needs in pieces. I.e., we get some stuff in one friendship, other stuff in other relationships, and it all adds up.  I think gay guys are in a good position to be experimental and non conforming when it comes to relationship, but we often just try to copy the status quo. 

There are times when I wish i had someone to just fall asleep with and wake up with, but there are other times when i relish my privacy.  I'd love to be in love, but i know to much to try and force it.  I have fallen for several guys,  and several have fallen for me, but it hasn't been mutual yet.  But again, no regrets. One guy came close this year,  but then he found out that I was 10 years older than him and poz, so decided he didn't want that... kinda funny since he was obviously attracted (don't look my age).  But i know i have no control over another persons thoughts or feelings, and have no desire to sway them.  

I've had most of my success in meeting possible guys on OKCupid. It's a dating site. I consider most (read: "all") of the gay sites as hook up sites, so i don't have any expectation of relationship from them (though stranger things have happened). Online complicates stuff. I find i do meet people but they are so often far away. 

Im rambling. ill stop. 

[Guest hungandmean]

7 hours ago, RWHID said:

I just don't know. My first boyfriend and I split in 2013. Since they have been flakes, just to use me, even though I have little to my name. I just want to be happy, but that means I fist need to be happy with myself. I am, but it's a daily struggle to even try to meet people. An ex family member has made it her missing for the past 4 months to attempt to make my life harder. She's constantly posting on Topix about my HIV status, nothing I can do but report to be removed, but each time one comes down, 5 more go up. She's posting fake ads on Craigslist as me, now I'm thinking she has my pictures on Grindr. She is now claiming I give HIV to children. I haven't even had contact with anyone except for close family and my best friend. Sometimes I wonder why I even want to go on, but I know she's be happier if I left. It's one of the reasons I want to give up hook ups all together and find someone to be with, and move away from here, but then none of the gays here even give me the time of day, due to another guy I dated a couple years back.

Dude your family member sounds insane. You should sue her because she sounds like an evil bitch. Or go on Reddit or somewhere and out her for being a hateful monster.

 

 

 

[hungry_hole]

The need for "meaningless sex" in anon hook-ups has nothing to do with a need for a close emotional relationship with another man. The solution is to find someone for emotional closeness without expecting that all your sexual needs will be fulfilled with him. Then find together a way to deal with a sex: open relationship, fool around together, etc.

By the way, I don't agree with referring to anon sex as "meaningless" or "sex without emotions" because those statements assume the only emotion with meaning and value is love. Anyone whose been cruising for anon sex will experience lots of emotions. Not love, but LOTS of other strong emotions.