Is it rude when people don't respond or is just my age showing

[Oldercumslut]

Usually these things don't bother me.  But recently it seems to have gotten under my skin.   

People seem to think it's my job to recognize they aren't interested when they don't respond instead of them sending a simple no thanks response.  It really annoys me when they start the conversation and then when they get my details decide nope.

I guess I get it that most are using free versions of app that limit messages, but still. It's very annoying.  Especially when their post/profile looks like they were writing it especially for me.

So it it rude or am I just old and of a different generation with different outlook.

[Poppy]

Happens to me a lot too! Try not to let them.upset you x

[BootmanLA]

3 hours ago, Oldercumslut said:

Usually these things don't bother me.  But recently it seems to have gotten under my skin.   

People seem to think it's my job to recognize they aren't interested when they don't respond instead of them sending a simple no thanks response.  It really annoys me when they start the conversation and then when they get my details decide nope.

I guess I get it that most are using free versions of app that limit messages, but still. It's very annoying.  Especially when their post/profile looks like they were writing it especially for me.

So it it rude or am I just old and of a different generation with different outlook.

You and I are both old, but that doesn't mean it isn't rude.

My rule of thumb: anyone who contacts me politely - and I don't mean obsequiously polite, just not one-word messages like "lookin?" - gets a polite response back, Even generic, canned approaches (woofs, oinks, grunts, growls, whatever the site provides) get, at a minimum, a "Thank you, that's kind of you" response. If the person persists, I try to stay polite even if I'm not interested, but I try to be clear as soon as possible if there's no interest. (If I'm interested, I'll say something more specific, like "Thanks, and back at you, handsome!" and hope it leads somewhere, even if it's a friendship.)

The one-word "lookin?" crap, etc.? No, I don't reply to those, although if someone else wants to, that's not my business. It's not that I'm better than anyone else, it's just not how I want to be approached online.

My sense of things is that there's an entire generation of people out there who are so conflict-avoidant that they don't want to have to say "no thank you" to anyone. It's especially rude when they post it outright in their profile that "I get lots of messages and I can't always reply in person to turn each of you down". That's the kind of egotistical asshole who, if he DID approach me, I'd gladly turn down and tell him why. 

[Guest Descartes70817]

I've found it uncomfortable but necessary to tell a few guys that I'm not into them. From most I get a thanks in return and hopefully they'll block me so it doesn't have to happen again. It often happens to me too, so it seems to be universal. I think of it as an expression of personal preference, not a personal rejection.

Edited July 29, 2020 by Descartes70817

[Oldercumslut]

Why is it uncomfortable to tell someone thanks but no thanks?

[BootmanLA]

8 minutes ago, Oldercumslut said:

Why is it uncomfortable to tell someone thanks but no thanks?

Could be lots of reasons. Sometimes, it doesn't go well - "It's because I'm X, isn't it? You Y's are all alike" and then the turner-down has to defend that he's not anti-X, which drags out the interaction. So to avoid the possibility of that kind of reaction, they just say nothing at all.

Also: if you are anything less than 100% adamant that you're not interested, there's a population of folks who treat that as a challenge, to get you to say yes instead. 

Women face this kind of thing all the time from straight men, only they're socialized (or at least used to be/some still are) to give in, to give the guy a chance, blah blah blah. Straightforward, honest answers work better, as you know, but not everyone is comfortable giving them, and lots of others are willing to exploit that.

[Guest Descartes70817]

18 minutes ago, BootmanLA said:

Could be lots of reasons. Sometimes, it doesn't go well - "It's because I'm X, isn't it? You Y's are all alike" and then the turner-down has to defend that he's not anti-X, which drags out the interaction. So to avoid the possibility of that kind of reaction, they just say nothing at all.

Also: if you are anything less than 100% adamant that you're not interested, there's a population of folks who treat that as a challenge, to get you to say yes instead. 

Women face this kind of thing all the time from straight men, only they're socialized (or at least used to be/some still are) to give in, to give the guy a chance, blah blah blah. Straightforward, honest answers work better, as you know, but not everyone is comfortable giving them, and lots of others are willing to exploit that.

You nailed the reason. "Thanks, but no thanks" should be the end of the conversation.

[funpozbottom]

The problem with internet etiquette is that there isn't any.  Add to that the fact that most app users have an attention span somewhere between a chipmunk and a squirrel and you end up with a lot of dead end conversations. For example, here are a few of my more memorable conversations:

New Message: “Hi”

Me: “Hi”

New Message: **crickets**

 

I send a couple messages back and forth with a guy who contacts me to fuck. Just as we're setting a meet, replies stop. Three days later I get a message saying: “Sorry, a friend messaged me and asked if I wanted to fuck.”

 

I go to pee and grab something from the kitchen. When I get back to my comp I find a message that says: “Hi”. It's followed by 4 more messages in quick succession berating me for not answering his first message.

 

It's late and I'm ready to log off and go to bed. I get a message from someone who looks interesting. We set up a quick meet and then he says: “It's getting kind of late. I think I'm going to go to sleep.”

 

I log onto a site just to check messages and get a guy messaging me to fuck.

I tell him I'm just checking messages.

He keeps bugging me to let him fuck me.

I tell him I'm not interested in meeting.

He asks, “Why not?”

Now annoyed, I say: “I don't think you're cute.”

He says: “My mother thinks I'm cute.”

Me: “Then go fuck your mother.”

 

So, you're not the only one who gets annoyed by messaging or lack of responses. I just ignore the ones who ignore me.

[drscorpio]

When I have managed to have a conversation with people about this topic, the consensus seems to be that no response is the polite way to show non-interest whereas saying something negative is an aggressive "how dare you speak to me" sort of response. 

Honestly, I think it is a "not interested but don't want to burn bridges" response. At 11:30, you aren't good enough for them, but at 2:15, you might do. 

[BootmanLA]

7 minutes ago, drscorpio said:

When I have managed to have a conversation with people about this topic, the consensus seems to be that no response is the polite way to show non-interest whereas saying something negative is an aggressive "how dare you speak to me" sort of response. 

Honestly, I think it is a "not interested but don't want to burn bridges" response. At 11:30, you aren't good enough for them, but at 2:15, you might do. 

That, too, is possible. I'll never give in on "no response" being a polite way to show non-interest (polite interest deserves polite response, not polite ignoring), but you are onto something with the "I might be desperate enough sometimes so I'm not going to turn him down outright". If so, the joke's on them, because I'm not getting out of the house at 215 for anyone and ain't no stranger coming in here at that hour either. 

[ErosWired]

I’m not sure there’s a universal sense of “rude” online anymore. Rules of civil discourse have been so hamstrung by anonymity and so butchered by linguistic codification and shorthanding that people simply no longer tend to conceptualize that a flesh-and-blood human being is attached to that profile on the other end.

 I get a lot of the types of interactions that @funpozbottom lists above (though no one yet who has claimed that his mother thinks he’s cute). I find particularly annoying those who get angry when you don’t reply to them instantly; I simply don’t text that quickly.

 I also dislike the ones that lead off with “How are you?” or worse, “Sup” - these are empty un-questions that are themselves rude in a way because they open a conversation but throw the responsibility for generating interest onto the person being contacted.

Truthfully, though, I’m not bothered when men don’t reply because I approach my attempts at contact more like advertising a service. I let them know where I am and what I’m good for, and if they’re interested they’ll make themselves known. If not, they won’t. I don’t find it rude that many of them don’t respond; you can’t be offended unless you decide to be.

[drscorpio]

I disagree strongly that "How are you?" or even "Sup" is rude. I agree they are non-questions but I do not agree that they throw responsibility onto the responder. If I get no response, I didn't waste a lot of time composing a thoughtful opener for someone who won't give me the time of day. If they say, "fine" or some other trivial response, then I give them my real opener. Launching into a full-scale conversation without first judging interest seems rude to me.  Generally, even in face-to-face conversation "How are you?" is a meaningless, phatic expression. [think before following links] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phatic_expression

@BootmanLA, I was not in anyway defending the practice of not responding. I was just commenting on the general consensus meaning of the practice. I always respond unless I can tell the profile is a bot or spammer (like the 4th time in the evening a different account with the same picture hits me up). 

[BootmanLA]

1 minute ago, drscorpio said:

 

@BootmanLA, I was not in anyway defending the practice of not responding. I was just commenting on the general consensus meaning of the practice. I always respond unless I can tell the profile is a bot or spammer (like the 4th time in the evening a different account with the same picture hits me up). 

No worries - I know there are some people who think it's polite (not including you there) but that's one of the few hills I'll die on. 

When it's a bot, I like to respond anyway, with nonsensical answers, just to see if I can make the bot break.  I'm easily amused sometimes.

[ErosWired]

11 hours ago, drscorpio said:

 

I disagree strongly that "How are you?" or even "Sup" is rude. I agree they are non-questions but I do not agree that they throw responsibility onto the responder. If I get no response, I didn't waste a lot of time composing a thoughtful opener for someone who won't give me the time of day. If they say, "fine" or some other trivial response, then I give them my real opener. Launching into a full-scale conversation without first judging interest seems rude to me.  Generally, even in face-to-face conversation "How are you?" is a meaningless, phatic expression. 

 

My negative reaction to phatic, or purely social, expressions may stem in part from my tendency to take all questions at face value. “How are you?” therefore feels rude to me because the guy doesn’t know me at all, and very likely doesn’t care how I am, but just threw out the question as an opener and would be uninterested in the actual answer if it were anything other than “horny”.

 I find “Sup” offensive (to the point that I’ve stopped replying to it unless there’s absolutely nothing else going on) because  it’s just lazy. The person didn’t consider me worth the investment of even enough mental energy to form an actual greeting in English, let alone a coherent sentence.

 I imagine that whether a given approach is or isn’t rude varies according to individual communication style. If you could intercept all the “Sup”s out there so I don’t have to deal with them, I would be more than delighted.

[120DaysofSodom]

I think its rude for people to feel they're entitled to a response. 

Just move on.