Question for Sub-bottoms

[wiscomeat]

I started hooking up with a 32 year old bi sub-bottom.  First two times he just blew and swallowed.  It was rushed as neither of us had much time.  Third time we got together, we had more time and I was able to finger him and introduce him to nipple play.  He finished by blowing me.  I literally heard gulping when I shot in his mouth.  He is a total sub, does not initiate anything and does exactly what he is told.  I did notice he gets hard when we are playing.  I have ignored his cock so far. He says he doesnt care if he gets off.  I have been with bottoms who dont get hard, and I ignore their cocks.  But I have not played with a sub-bottom who gets hard.  Although I am a top, I want to be sure the bottom is having a good time too. And usually a hard cock requires attention.  So my question is, do I continue to ignore his hard cock or do I play with it too?  If he gets off, does that ruin the dom/sub thing he likes?

[ErosWired]

A Dominant/submissive relationship is ultimately a negotiated agreement, even though it may not seem that way. In a power exchange, the submissive actually has considerable control over how events play out, as the submissive supplies consent.

You need to determine what kind of Dom/sub relationship the two of you have, and what each of you derives from it. If, for instance, you derive considerable satisfaction from being in control of the submissive, and the submissive derives considerable satisfaction in being ‘given no choice’, then you could do as you like with the sub’s cock as long as you simply point out that it is now yours to do with as you please, along with the rest of the sub.

If, on the other hand, your emphasis in his submission is that he has no cock worthy of being called a cock, much less allowed to ejaculate, if you then played with his cock and caused him to cum it might cause the sub confusion and distress.

[Pigforcum]

Just ask him. Communication is always key. Maybe he'd love to be wanked or sucked too but won't initiate it himself

[aacbln]

I wouldn't say that just because it's hard you should treat it any differently, it's involuntary so he's not asking for anything. And even if he was, he might enjoy the denial. That's where the negotiation and communication the others have mentioned come in.

You want him to have a good time, and it sounds like for him a good time is completely submitting to you. So when you discuss it, you could frame it as a question of whether it would help him serve you or stay in the right headspace for you to keep ignoring his cock, or if some play would help keep him going. He'd probably appreciate that more than being asked if he wanted his cock played with - it sounds like he's not thinking about what he wants and likes it that way.

Personally, this is partly why I like to wear a jock - keeps things simple for the top.

[Guest]

11 hours ago, wiscomeat said:

I started hooking up with a 32 year old bi sub-bottom.  First two times he just blew and swallowed.  It was rushed as neither of us had much time.  Third time we got together, we had more time and I was able to finger him and introduce him to nipple play.  He finished by blowing me.  I literally heard gulping when I shot in his mouth.  He is a total sub, does not initiate anything and does exactly what he is told.  I did notice he gets hard when we are playing.  I have ignored his cock so far. He says he doesnt care if he gets off.  I have been with bottoms who dont get hard, and I ignore their cocks.  But I have not played with a sub-bottom who gets hard.  Although I am a top, I want to be sure the bottom is having a good time too. And usually a hard cock requires attention.  So my question is, do I continue to ignore his hard cock or do I play with it too?  If he gets off, does that ruin the dom/sub thing he likes?

i get hard being used, fucked, sucking etc. i dont want my dick served at least not in normal ways. having to stroke myself, rut my cock against his feet pits etc, dry humping our cocks together for example. cumming as a finale . . . like a gift for being a good sex sub can be hot. 

Edited May 16, 2022 by nastysubbbbottom
mistake

[ErosWired]

I guess part of what I was trying to say above was that I, in that submissive position, would be particularly annoyed at the Top for asking me A) If he should do something with my body, and B) If i would give him permission (!) to do it. Dominants don’t ask permission - they dominate. They’re aggressive. That’s the point.

From time to time I’ve given a (would-be-wanna-be) Dom temporary possession of my body on a trial basis. By the third time he asks me if it’s okay to do something, it’s like Oh my God - how many times? You own me now. You get to do what you want. I do what you say to do. It isn’t difficult. Those arrangements never last long because those guys aren’t really Dom material and don’t understand what submission is about.

By the time he’s submitted to you for three scenes - i.e., you’ve Dominated him for three scenes - you should already have worked out the ground rules of how the Dom/sub angle is going to play out. You don’t just wing that. If you don’t establish clear boundaries and expectations, someone (most likely you) is going to put his foot through them at some unhappy point and the whole relationship could go sour very quickly — and unnecessarily.

Before you play again, before you get undressed even, I recommend you have a talk with him about it. Be clear and up front about why you like being Dominant, why you like Dominating him, what your expectations are in a submissive in general, and what your goals are with him in mind. Ask him what it is about submission that appeals to him, and how he feels when you Dominate him. Encourage him to speak openly and candidly at this point, not as a submissive, because you both need for you to understand what’s in his head. Ask him what he would normally expect to be required to do by a Dom, and ask him if he has any personal goals, challenges or aspirations he hopes to fulfill though his service.

Once you both have a clear agreement on the expectation of the general parameters, be sure to talk about details - the Devil is in them - make sure you understand hard limits (and respect them), establish a safe word he can use to stop all Domination at need, and make sure you are aware of any hidden medical issues he may have that could potentially affect play (having to call an ambulance generally spoils a good scene).

I realize that the kind of activity you describe having done so far remains well within the realm of the soft-core sex acts, but Domination/submission can be a heady thing if the pair finds it building a chemistry between them, and you want to get it right from the start. My former Master and I had a…unique chemistry - and the result was that he permanently changed my understanding of my sexuality and my place in the world. Heady stuff indeed.

 

[Guest]

As a total submissive bottom there have been times i got hard when i was getting fucked and others no. it depends on the pain and how he is fucking me. but as a total bottom i love to feel a top grab me and fondle my balls and feel his hands playful and touch me between my legs.

Just as men play with a woman clit as he fucks her as a bottom I am his bitch and as he fucks me it would be great pleasure feeling his hands fondle me playing with my balls and anything else erotic that gives pleasure. i also love to get my ass spanked something i dont get  much. but i guess every sub is different.  But i am a sub who loves full domination and control of a top, love to feel a tops hands and being dominated and controlled, as a top as it his own way with me.

[Warmnsalty]

I'm a bi, sub bottom, sometimes I get hard when I'm getting fucked, sometimes I don't. Being very familiar with D/s relationships as it pertains to bdsm lifestyle, that's not the kind of sub I'm interested in being - too rules based, too much work for me. I don't have any regular tops, mainly randoms that I'm lucky enough to find. During the back and forth prior to meeting I always make it clear I'm all bottom and submissive. Use my mouth and hole for their pleasure, I get my pleasure from their cock. I almost always cum just from sucking a guys cock, I get so turned on I'll release my load. By the time he's fucking me I'm soft again if he wants to fondle my cock  and balls he's welcome to. Find a lot of tops like to play with my cock while their fucking me, others just grab my hips and thrust. Love a verbal top who'll belittle me some as he's using me. Ultimately the tops in charge and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

[Webster9]

In the role of a sub-bottom, it's my job to do whatever the Dom-Top wants me to do.   It's not about my dick.  I do get very sexually aroused doing whatever gives him sexual pleasure.  

[tallslenderguy]

i agree with those who recommend communication.  There are different forms of communication, but i still believe if one is not communicating, they are relying on presumption or guessing.  i think there are general meanings to the terms we use, like "Dom" or "sub" or ___________,. Communication provides a more detailed definition. 

i think a key here is what Your wrote: "Although I am a top, I want to be sure the bottom is having a good time too." 

Apparently, You want to know what pleases him, so asking makes the most sense to me. 

Personally, i'm one of those who gets erect when i'm turned on, but my needs and desires are individual, not a universal standard, and the Man i am with will only know those if we communicate in some way.  If a Man shows interest in my penis, i get turned off, my perception is Men have a Cock, i don't. If He is hole obsessed  and expresses His desires and needs to penetrate and breed me, i get hard as a rock.  Depending on what He likes, He can ignore it, affectionately make fun of it, or stimulate it in some way that ramps me up, but does not give me release. If He wants to connect with me, He will find a way to make it clear He has a cock and i do not. The only Cock i have is not attached to me psychologically, the only Cock i have is the one a Top penetrates me with.  

Most Men are not going to know detail like that without communication.

i think it's wonderful that You want to know. To me that does not negate the D/s dynamic, it potentially deepens it.

 

[Rillion]

It's good to set at least some expectations and ground rules in advance. For me consent is key, so I try to make sure I understand any and all hard no's of my partners.

Some subs don't want their cock played with at all and for those I suggest we use a chasity device to drive that point home.

If sub is indifferent about his cock being played with then, I will play with it if and when I want to. A sub that has agreed to let me use him how I want just needs to deal with it if I want to play with his cock (often in the form of slapping it around or using a riding crop on it).

I've often found a lot of the subs I play with are into some form of cbt once they've experienced a taste of it.

[TightBott7]

On 8/31/2022 at 6:23 PM, Rillion said:

It's good to set at least some expectations and ground rules in advance. For me consent is key, so I try to make sure I understand any and all hard no's of my partners.

Some subs don't want their cock played with at all and for those I suggest we use a chasity device to drive that point home.

If sub is indifferent about his cock being played with then, I will play with it if and when I want to. A sub that has agreed to let me use him how I want just needs to deal with it if I want to play with his cock (often in the form of slapping it around or using a riding crop on it).

I've often found a lot of the subs I play with are into some form of cbt once they've experienced a taste of it.

I agree, I think a good sub ultimately appreciates a dom top who dominates him into pushing his limits, that’s the essence of sub bottom to please the top.

[onlyraw]

Key point I think in this question I think is that you refer to this guy as a “sub” not a “bottom”

it also depends on where and when you are hooking up

I too like to know the sub/bottom I am playing with is “enjoying” himself- but also understand that we are enjoying things in totally different ways - and it is different if the guy is a sub or a bottom -  but I like it when the guy I am playing with gets hard

If the guy is just a “bottom” then I think you you might owe him some return attention - especially if it is at your house- (if however you are at the baths and it is early he may not want to cum yet as he wants to stay horny so he can stay in the mood to look for more cock - if however it is late and the place is clearing out than it might be nice of you)

But if he is a “sub” than you most likely do not  need to pay attention to his cock - in fact as some guys have mentioned they don’t want that kind of interaction (unless you are into cbt) 

As I mentioned I too like it (especially if we are having a rougher more aggressive scene than just a BJ) if the sub gets hard - it is an easier way of knowing I haven’t gotten too g to rough yet (having to keep verbally asking if it is too rough kind of kills the whole Dom/sub thing)

Then - depending on the sub - not letting him get off (at least not frequently) is part of him being a sub - if he is going to be spending the night- I may not let him get off until the last fuck in the morning 

but if you like him and want him to keep coming back…. And maybe want more than a BJ - it is good to talk and get some ground rules set

[Badbunny]

I'm a sub bottom who gets hard as son as a cock so much as brushes on my hole tho the actual excitement for me comes from me knowing I'm making a top happy that really gets me going tho I do love when a top pays attention to my dick and makes me cum always appreciated (but not required  still nice when it happens)