That point when you know you have to stop...

[cuckie]

You're Belgian where most people in their mid 30's are divorced and "dating" or "being together" takes place after going on a first date. How many Belgians are "together" after one date in their 20's and continue down that trajectory with a single person instead of finding someone with whom they're compatible?

Watch the show Hetisingewikkeld on Vier and you'll start to understand. 

[Guest]

 I started off experimenting with a guy friend. In hindsight, I knew it was more than just experimenting but family and religious upbringing made me keep my playtime with him as "practice" for being with girls. The funny part is he'd call me by a girl's name in school he supposedly liked when we fooled around. I even wore some of his older sister's clothes when we were alone. In high school, I tried dating girls but things were never remotely sexual. I blamed it on me being raised to be ultra-respectful to women so I'd never make the first move. In reality, I wasn't really physically interested in doing stuff with them. Instead, I'd spend countless hours at night talking and masturbating online with older more dom men. I had a healthy porn collection that was mostly straight, but it wasn't until much later that I realized I'd rather be the girl getting railed that being the guy having sex with her. 

I met the infamous Jay from my stories and a six year "relationship" with him until my early 20s. It was secretive. My family would disown me. I felt horrible religious based guilt when I wasn't with him, and I also had really bad self-esteem issues after having survived cancer (but not without permanent issues). I had contemplated offering to become Jay's permanent, live-in slave boy, but I told myself that I wasn't good enough for him due to the aforementioned issues. When he moved and then passed, I was at a complete loss identity.

I met my now wife and it felt like we were soulmates and had known each other all our lives. There was an immediate bond that neither of us could deny. We dated for a couple years and we were having sex. I did my best in that department, but I could never shake my private fantasies of men. A couple years into our marriage, we got into hotwifing. She needed better sex that I could give and I also wanted that for her. We did some cuckolding and cross-dressing from time to time. 

She knows I was with Jay but doesn't know the extent of my kinks and what I did with him. I'm pretty sure she knows that I'm at least bisexual if not leaning more to the gay side of the spectrum. I totally get your inner turmoil of wanting to sorta "grow up" or out of your inner desires since your wife is pregnant. For me, I know that I can't change who I am on the inside, and trying to bury it only stresses me out. Part of me wishes that I was just some non-disabled, cis, hetero guy that never had any doubts about his identity. I can't imagine what a world like that would be like.

So, I totally feel for you. In theory, there's no reason why you can't be you even with a kid. In reality, a kid brings in a whole boatload of issues especially in our society at the moment. I wished we were further along in acceptance of alternative lifestyles, but we seem to be slipping backwards. I don't know what I'd do with a kid. Since neither I nor my wife can have a kid medically, it's not an issue. I know everyone says that nothing matters to a child so long as you love them, but that isn't always reality in every situation. I wish you the best in the journey ahead. I don't think I could deny myself completely and not become a mess physically and emotionally. 

You might want to see out counseling with a therapist that is familiar with alt lifestyles. You can google alternative lifestyle counselors. It's up to you on how much you reveal, but a 3rd party listener might be helpful in coming up with ways to make your new family work (even if that means not being married).

[Webster9]

I'm wondering where you've been hiding all the outfits, wigs, make-up, heels, etc, from your "girl," for the past 20 years ?

[Lorenzo]

7 hours ago, Webster9 said:

I'm wondering where you've been hiding all the outfits, wigs, make-up, heels, etc, from your "girl," for the past 20 years ?

That's not very hard. Sometimes is was just in storage boxes buried in the garage, but after a few close calls nowadays it's in a convenient location I rent as storage for my work (self-employed, so easy).

[tallslenderguy]

On 8/3/2022 at 2:08 AM, Lorenzo said:

 

My first instinct is: I need to stop taking cock, I need to stop dressing. I have other things to do now.

At the same time I doubt just being able to change certain things.

Anyone have any experience they want to share?

As i see it, your need to take cock and dress are more expressions of "instinct,"  and your inclination to "stop taking cock"  is a conditioned response.  i think the former are a part of who you are, the latter a socially conditioned reaction against... your very self.  To which i would say: "fuck that."   

i speak from a place of spending the first half of my life sincerely trying to not take cock, it practically killed me before i realized that taking cock and a Mans seed are (seemingly) intrinsic expressions of who i am. Receiving a Mans cock, desire, need into myself nurtures and sustains me, for me to stop would be like giving up food... and honestly, i tried every thing i could to quit for half my life, and simply could not do it.  It was a liberating epiphany for me when i realized the notion of not taking cock was wrong , ludicrous, for me. 

Your experience may vary. 

[tallslenderguy]

On 8/6/2022 at 6:25 AM, hntnhole said:

It's always fascinating how becoming a parent can add a dimension to one's life. 

 

On 8/5/2022 at 3:32 PM, TheSRQDude said:

 

If you're going to be a family, be a family. Rather than having to stay together for the sake of the kid, be an actual lasting presence in the child's life. Be the person that you needed as a kid, whether you and your girl cohabitate or not. Just having two parents in a home is convenient but doesn't always result in the right things happening.

 

With no delusions about ease, i think you have an opportunity to raise a child with an open and accepting attitude towards others who may be different.  As a parent, you have a prominent position in your child's development, social outlook and skills.  You think the idea of being a father is "wonderful," so why not be a wonderful dad as you are, not hidden away in a closet. i know. Hard. i've been there. Being open and honest about who i am was one of the most costly decisions of my life, it costs less doing it sooner than later.  But it was also the best and most liberating decision i've ever made.  Freedom isn't cheap, but (i think) it is worth it. 

[tallslenderguy]

On 8/29/2022 at 12:51 AM, Lorenzo said:

Well... we lost it at 9,5 weeks.

I hate that my coping mechanisms are what they are.

i just read this after writing my two posts, i'm sorry for all the grief this has caused you.  i am grateful for your openness and vulnerability in starting this thread though. There are more than a few guys in this community, casual lurkers as well as serious participants, and everything in between. i think this is a valuable discussion with topics that have effects on many. i am glad the thread is here and active. ❤️

[hntnhole]

On 8/29/2022 at 3:51 AM, Lorenzo said:

Well... we lost it at 9,5 weeks.

Very sorry to know this, Lorenzo.  Condolences on this sorrow.  

[Guest]

My sympathies.

Whatever happens in the relationship with your wife, this whirlwind of emotions perhaps will turn out for the best and you can build a more honest one with one another where you don't have to lie or keep your desires secret any more. Discretion is one thing, but I'm not envious of how you have to live your life.

Take care!