Did the 1980’s AIDS epidemic trap you in the closet?

[Caged]

On 10/24/2023 at 7:05 PM, BBArchangel said:

Aids did not keep me in the closet. It did something worse. It made me afraid of sex. It froze me emotionally. I did not even want to form relationships. I was just in too dark of a space. it took me a long time to work my way back into some thing that looked like light. I’m not sure I’m there yet.

 

This really speaks to me.  AIDS also made me afraid of gay sex (of being my true self), and I’m not sure I’ve ever 100% recovered.  Gay sex has always been a forbidden fruit, something that I have to hide.  Even with modern medicines like PreP, I can’t help but feel like I’m playing Russian roulette every time I have sex with a man. It was just burned into my brain in the 1980’s

[Caged]

On 10/24/2023 at 10:44 PM, onlyraw said:

I guess I am “lucky” in that I graduated college and moved to Boston (which had a great gay scene) in 1977 - so I had a few years to be out and enjoy the peak of the 70s - disco, poppers, and random hookups (or tricks as we called them back then)

I moved to Boston from backwoods Tennessee when I was 18 in 1984.  You’re right, it had a great gay scene.  I was just too afraid to participate.  I also lived in New York City for a while. 

[Guest]

I was never in the closet, but the AIDS epidemic sent me rushing through the doors of every back room, bathhouse, and sex club I could find to fuck and get fucked by as many men as possible. Then as now, no fear, apologies or regrets.

[tallslenderguy]

my closet was built from ethnocentric religion and culture that had been influenced by religious notions.  

AID's didn't figure into it for me. i had a gay brother was 13 years older than me. He died of AID's during the 80's. i massaged his Kaposi sarcoma scared and emaciated body as he died, but that didn't daunt my need or desire for sex or seed.  i tried condoms a few times, but to me, that was like going without the connection i needed/wanted with a Man.  

Back then, i was more ashamed of who i am than i was scared. i was trying to be straight because i was conditioned to believe being gay was "sick, broken, sin, etc.."  Sure, i was afraid, but i was  so needy for connection with a Man that my fear didn't have a chance at keeping me  from hooking. For me, anonymous hook up sex was the only affirmation the gay part of me had while i was chained in my prison of conditioned belief.  

Eventually, being gay saved me from 'god' (i.e., my conditioned notions of "God.").  Reality forced me to question conditioning.  

To me, the STD part of it was stigmatized by the same religious culture.  Recently, we learned you could die from Covid you caught while having sex... but that didn't stop people from fucking lol, and probably most didn't wear masks.  Disease, sickness and the threat of death are part of living. We risk death going to the grocery store, but we don't even think about that because there is no social stigma attached to that function. Sex, on the other hand, is a natural need/desire that controllers have exploited forever.

[jagmanaz]

Knew I was gay and started to act on it in '85 at 22.  First gay guy I met and started to get intimate was failure as I was too nervous that first night to do anything.  His ex shows up the next day (or 2) with advanced AIDS and it scared the crap out of me.  Nailed door closed tight for 14 years as a result and dated "sexually unavailable" women. Finally said, screw it and let the fears go.  Played safer, then Prep and embracing being a cum slut.  Regrets, sure, but it was the times. 

[Guest]

I was young, very young especially to participate in gay sex. Yes in 1981 when rumours were rife and we were all warned. Well the bigger guys. A few men came onto us young teens and we were not polite in telling them to get lost. It was scary. I was young like I said and I got a few approaches one guy in particular with a long thick beautiful cock. He also wore a wedding ring. He did breed me when I was 18 and filled me. It was late 90s when I next saw him. Well dressed as he always was but very thin. No wedding ring. He asked  me to have sex. I was scared at seeing him any time after as he said in a hurt tone You loved me once. Yes I felt like a right snob treating him like that but the Aids years of the 80s were scary but an attitude of never thinking it happen to you. Some found out to their horrible cost. It could. I wish well and am glad there are survivors of those horrible years. Yes it was nice feeling a man breed you and feeling his seed fill you but in all seriousness be careful.

[hntnhole]

5 hours ago, gingerballs said:

Yes I felt like a right snob treating him like that but the Aids years of the 80s were scary

The only valid regret might be if you responded in a negative, demeaning way to that second time.  There is nothing to regret about refusing to have sex with him though.  Those were terrible years for all of us, and we did whatever we could to avoid dying in a gruesome, hellish way.  

Once the medical arts provided at least some measure of protection against hiv though, most of us were drawn back to our old ways, and thank Whatever for that.  I hope you got on PrEP as soon as possible, get tested for the lesser bugs frequently, and keep those "ginger" balls drained regularly.  

[ellentonboy]

No, but it robbed this nation and the world for almost a generation of men who would  have contributed so much.  It's incredibly sad.....

[RawNYTop]

52 minutes ago, ellentonboy said:

No, but it robbed this nation and the world for almost a generation of men who would  have contributed so much.  It's incredibly sad.....

This 

A significant portion of our peers are gone. I turned 18 summer of 81, right as Aids came out. A man is in his sexual prime at 18-21, we got screwed.

I remember hearing a co worker's comments when Magic Johnson contacted HIV, he said "holy shit, regular people are now getting it". 

[Guest]

22 hours ago, hntnhole said:

The only valid regret might be if you responded in a negative, demeaning way to that second time.  There is nothing to regret about refusing to have sex with him though.  Those were terrible years for all of us, and we did whatever we could to avoid dying in a gruesome, hellish way.  

Once the medical arts provided at least some measure of protection against hiv though, most of us were drawn back to our old ways, and thank Whatever for that.  I hope you got on PrEP as soon as possible, get tested for the lesser bugs frequently, and keep those "ginger" balls drained regularly.  

I don't think it was in a demeaning manner. I was shocked at how thin he had become. He was never heavy by any means. There was an 11year gap at me having seen him as he had went abroad to work. Sex with him was painful yes but as he was a patient guy he had me enjoying our few sessions and in the end grinding thrusting and gentle pounding were common place. I felt sorry for him shocked at his appearance and the request he made wanting to breed me made me very frightened. Thanks for the reply and I have too add in closing I'd never as an individual look down on anyone. There but for grace of God go any of us.

[muscmtl]

On 10/26/2023 at 1:05 PM, Bator916 said:

I was never in the closet, but the AIDS epidemic sent me rushing through the doors of every back room, bathhouse, and sex club I could find to fuck and get fucked by as many men as possible. Then as now, no fear, apologies or regrets.

Nothing absolutely nothing  beat bareback 80's orgies in these places, where no one gave a fuck about aids, cuz sex was more important than life

[PervBugChaser]

9 hours ago, muscmtl said:

Nothing absolutely nothing  beat bareback 80's orgies in these places, where no one gave a fuck about aids, cuz sex was more important than life

Well said. Really admire you guys who fucked BB in 80s without fearing about AIDS.

[muscmtl]

22 minutes ago, PervBugChaser said:

Well said. Really admire you guys who fucked BB in 80s without fearing about AIDS.

We had aids, so it was more like, too late for safe sex