Love or random cum?

[leakyhole]

Dear fellow cumdumps or alpha breeders, stealthers or suckers, I need your advice.

Two years ago, my partner of then 16 years went abroad for some time due to work. At that time, it's been several years since we last had sex, and my long surpressed cumdump "me" took over. While he was away, around hundred random guys loaded my manpussy, and I finally accepted that I am worthless bb slut who spreads his legs to anybody. I never considered using prep. When my BF got back, I went back to decent amount of cheating, yet I cruised for random cocks regularly. But it turned out anyway that our relationship can't work anymore, so I said enough, let's quit this ridiculous experience before we end up like The Roses.

After that, my body went into reclusive mode, and I didn't have any sex for very long time. Basically I was living like a monk for around half a year, enjoying my new freedom, but probably needing lots of alone time to heal after such long relationship for which I am apparently not well suited. After that half a year, staying healthy after cheating with so many anon men - some being the most trash kind of people - I had ONE anon hookup with some Grindr guy and immediately got Syph. Luckily it was diagnosed pretty fast and my treatment also started immediately and went well. It was kind of stressful period for me and after treatment, I needed lots of time to recharge, relax and just chill...

 

BUT!

 

In the meantime, this amazing guy appeared in my life. He is tall, handsome, XL (though we only had some petting by now :D), has good manners, style and charm...on top of that incredibly intelligent and good hearted. And it seems that there are mutual feelings for each other, with lots of potential for a deep relationship. But the problem is - this guy fucks only bb which is great, but is stricly monogamous, far away from this breeding culture which I love being part of. And he knows nothing of me being such a whore. The day of our first fuck (with potential of uncovering our feelings towards each other) is nearing. But as I finally feel relaxed enough after difficult period, I started craving anon bb sex again...I mean totally and dangerously. Using no Prep, I already got in touch with four different POZ men and started planning sessions with them. Every day since the morning, all I crave are some random dicks of men on my fav crusing spots. I am checking all apps every couple minutes anywhere I am to see If there is somebody who will let me swallow their load. But I am holding myself back as this guy does not deserve to catch some STD from me...so I am spending my days wanking my cock 5 times a day, riding dildoes, trying sounding etc. in order to not hunt for anon dicks. But I need them so so so much. I caught myself repeatedly in night hours when I was most horny, ranting that apps show no bb top around my place of living whom I could ride hard. Yesterday, I rode my largest dildo four times while hanging all afternoon on BZ and various gay apps.

 

So to sum it up - I am in the situation where I feel that I need to give up one or the other. Either I can have love or stay slut. And I don't know what to do. 

 

Anybody there who experienced same or similar situation? How did you resolve your dilemma?

 

Thanks and have slutty day!

LL

 

 

 

[Luvbbslut]

I would talk to the guy and tell him about your needs. You can't be happy with him being monogamous, and might feel bad if he ever catches smthg from you.

Who knows, maybe he'll turn out being a pig too? 

Meeting potential partners on website such as bz is a good place to make sure they immediately know you're true nature.

As for me, you seem to be the perfect bf material

[leakyhole]

2 minutes ago, Luvbbslut said:

I would talk to the guy and tell him about your needs. You can't be happy with him being monogamous, and might feel bad if he ever catches smthg from you.

Who knows, maybe he'll turn out being a pig too? 

Meeting potential partners on website such as bz is a good place to make sure they immediately know you're true nature.

As for me, you seem to be the perfect bf material

Thank you for kind words...I would love to have a bf like you...who would not hesitate to share me with strangers 🙂

[ffabbian]

Ending your relationship was best for both of you and it makes total sense that you had some quiet time  afterwards. Those times are beneficial to reflect and enjoy your own company.

However you are repeating the same mistakes again by not being honest with your needs and desires. No need to tell him about every past escapade but he will appreciate your honesty and it's the only way to know if you'll never see him again or just be friends and not waste each other's time and energy. 

I had a tendency to love the idea of the man I was with which wasn't who he really was.  I would put them on a pedestal an be what they wanted me to be rather than my true self. One bf after 4 years when we broke up said to me I never knew who you really were. I did the same as you by watching more porn, cruising online, wanking, dildo and ff myself then hooking up with other guys without him knowing. 

The first time I was honest with a guy he said that he loved me more for telling him. When he said that I had no desire to cheat and our sex life was great. He wasn't anywhere near as sleazy and kinky as me but after a couple years he was the one that suggested a threesum

[Sfmike64]

My advice is give yourself time. Try not to put too much emphasis on a connection with one guy. And weigh how important your new found love of being a cumdump is. Who knows, you might lay that card on the table and have him immediately say "bend over, whore." Or it might be a dealbreaker for him.

But the only way to know is to let it play out and prioritize what's important to you. If that means being slutty then you shouldn't compromise on it. Look for partners in spaces where being a slut can be stated openly. Give yourself space and time. Breaking up after 16 years is a big deal. Be nice to yourself.

Edited June 23 by Sfmike64

[NWUSHorny]

Regardless of which option you choose get yourself on PREP. I'm almost certain you will chet gain, and the last thing you need is a permanent problem like HIV.

[leakyhole]

20 hours ago, NWUSHorny said:

Regardless of which option you choose get yourself on PREP. I'm almost certain you will chet gain, and the last thing you need is a permanent problem like HIV.

You are right...I would like to raise this topic on my medical check later this week. Though I know that it can't protect me from Syph specifically, the experience of having it made me think about Prep more. 

 

On the other hand - and I am not any chaser - while I was waiting for results of my testing and thinking of what it possibly could be, HIV scared me way less than some other diseases. I guess that constantly reading stories about pozzing here made me somehow indifferent to it. Still not a chaser in any way. I just consider it a risk which comes with my lifestyle. Being diagnosed with Syph surprised me a lot as i kind of expected HIV and was like "OK, not nice, but with a treatment I can live with it..." and my slut mind was thinking more about advantages than negative side of it. 

[leakyhole]

@Sfmike64 and @ffabbian thank you so much for reasonable and valuable feedback. You both wrote it very well. 

 

I love the idea of finding BF who has same sex interests, would be glad to whore me out or let me cruise for any dick I want. I kind of wished such openminded guy since my youth, but never been lucky to find some. If I may be very honest, even the guy I loved the most in my life - and never recovered of "being broke up" with him 20 years ago, was suck guy only so even though I loved him so much that I could supress my anal needs back then, I realized that love does not always come hand in hand with sexual desires. And it was the same case with my partner of 16 yrs, and will probably be the same case with the new guy.

Plus, what all three have in common, is this idea of ever-present mutuality in sex...I mean that "Now you blow me, now I blow you..." Sort of equality, the idea that both parties must give and receive equally in bed. But for slut like me, this equality is shifted towards different approach, where we are giving by worshipping top's dick with our mouths and then receiving by having our asses bred well...which is also giving 😄 Or occasionally in the right mood, switching positions and having him worship my cock and then fuck his ass well. Anyway, while bottoming, I have absolutely no interest of top even wanking me, not to mention wanting to suck me...I just get soft at that point and honestly I can't understand how come that with some tops, I can push their hands away from my dick four times and yet's they're still not getting the message. I have average dick, nothing special, so why even?  😄 However this new guy seems most understanding of my BFs towards this. And this all complicates the thing. I mean, I always considered love and sex to be separate things even before I ever had my first sex. And the two relationships which I had just proved my opinion right. 

So to get to the core of my thought - nothing is perfect, neither is love. You can only get so much and it has to be balanced elsewhere. I'll be forty next year. I absolutely feel still 20, but at the same time I can't cheat age, this might be my half-time and it is not so easy to just reject something potentially so valuable than it could be while I really was 20. 

@Sfmike64 is right that I should give myself more time, especially after 16 years of not feeling free. @ffabbian is right that I should not supress real me anymore and live up to my real slutiness. 

 

Gosh, this is unexpectedly hard situation for me...I am probably overthinking it a lot, I know...:D Thanks again for your input, guys. You both feel smart and good-hearted. I believe being slut goes hand-in-hand with being friendly, right? 😉😇 I mean, people who hate other people won't be fucking them by hundreds 😄

 

Hope my text is not confusing as I lost my thought two times while writing it...too much to think about, indeed! 😄

[ffabbian]

12 minutes ago, leakyhole said:

@Sfmike64 and @ffabbian thank you so much for reasonable and valuable feedback. You both wrote it very well. 

 

I love the idea of finding BF who has same sex interests, would be glad to whore me out or let me cruise for any dick I want. I kind of wished such openminded guy since my youth, but never been lucky to find some. If I may be very honest, even the guy I loved the most in my life - and never recovered of "being broke up" with him 20 years ago, was suck guy only so even though I loved him so much that I could supress my anal needs back then, I realized that love does not always come hand in hand with sexual desires. And it was the same case with my partner of 16 yrs, and will probably be the same case with the new guy.

Plus, what all three have in common, is this idea of ever-present mutuality in sex...I mean that "Now you blow me, now I blow you..." Sort of equality, the idea that both parties must give and receive equally in bed. But for slut like me, this equality is shifted towards different approach, where we are giving by worshipping top's dick with our mouths and then receiving by having our asses bred well...which is also giving 😄 Or occasionally in the right mood, switching positions and having him worship my cock and then fuck his ass well. Anyway, while bottoming, I have absolutely no interest of top even wanking me, not to mention wanting to suck me...I just get soft at that point and honestly I can't understand how come that with some tops, I can push their hands away from my dick four times and yet's they're still not getting the message. I have average dick, nothing special, so why even?  😄 However this new guy seems most understanding of my BFs towards this. And this all complicates the thing. I mean, I always considered love and sex to be separate things even before I ever had my first sex. And the two relationships which I had just proved my opinion right. 

So to get to the core of my thought - nothing is perfect, neither is love. You can only get so much and it has to be balanced elsewhere. I'll be forty next year. I absolutely feel still 20, but at the same time I can't cheat age, this might be my half-time and it is not so easy to just reject something potentially so valuable than it could be while I really was 20. 

@Sfmike64 is right that I should give myself more time, especially after 16 years of not feeling free. @ffabbian is right that I should not supress real me anymore and live up to my real slutiness. 

 

Gosh, this is unexpectedly hard situation for me...I am probably overthinking it a lot, I know...:D Thanks again for your input, guys. You both feel smart and good-hearted. I believe being slut goes hand-in-hand with being friendly, right? 😉😇 I mean, people who hate other people won't be fucking them by hundreds 😄

 

Hope my text is not confusing as I lost my thought two times while writing it...too much to think about, indeed! 😄

My heart goes out to.  You're a tart with a heart, not a slut.  Feel free to dm me.

[shinelover]

If you feel a connection with this guy and want to keep him in your life, then the best thing you can do is be honest with him. A lot of people hold back in new relationships, so there is every possibility that he likes to fuck around, too, but has been worried to tell you.

And if not, then at least you both know where you stand. I'm sending you 'good vibes' to get everything you want. 

[bbslutdanny]

Tell him you're a slut and that's you're true calling haha 

If he likes you, he will let you be a good slut

[NastyRigPig]

What everyone else is saying, just be yourself, anything else is work.