Tops becoming always more agressive and rough

[IntoBBvisitor]

12 hours ago, Olderkinkybiguy said:

As a predominantly Top, I can only speak for myself . I tend to play off the bottoms vibe. Not knowing your discussion with the 22yo before meeting, it’s hard to draw any conclusions to your situation. 
 

If I had to speculate a hypothesis, I’d say things have definitely shifted to the more extreme side over the years for a few possible reasons. 
 

the ready access of porn might be to blame, or at least the prevalence of online access too hookup sites. Back when I was in my 20’s, I met and hooked up with guys the old fashioned way. Typically a drunk encounter in a gay bar. The only sexual ideas were from real practical experiences. As I hot older, and had more encounters, my understanding of sexual encounters expanded, as did my comfort level. It seems a lot of online guys lack practical experience and skills. 
 

another factor might be life in general. I don’t believe too many of us have escaped the growing tensions and restrictions of every day life. I find more people carry a great deal of frustration around. Sex can be a great release if done correctly, but not all bottoms are created equal. Some like being used and fucked without mercy, others not so much. 
 

my guess is your 22yo lacked practice experiences. And possibly the bottoms he was fucking didn’t offer constructive criticism or advice. If you liked how he treated you, than that is fine. If you felt he should have done things differently, than you should have offered some constructive guidance. 
 

It’s be my experience that young people in general lack a lot of the same qualities my generation were taught. It’s not just sexuality, but in general. I was lucky to have a lot of real life sexual encounters early on, AOL was in its early stages. I even had a few older mentors to help mold me into the Top I am today. Although I do enjoy the youthful energy and sex drive younger guys typically possess, it’s often not worth the frustration of emotional immaturity that often accompanies them. I have been fortunate to know a few younger people who were not typical, but they are getting harder to find. I suppose the system is winning! 😭

I think the same, fuck'apps and easy access to every time harder and harder porn are to "blame".

That 22yo guy was good, really good, and that s why I went along with his way of fucking me. I know there are other bottoms that will satisfy him and I want him to pick me next time.

What strikes me, and my point here, is this change that happenned...

20 years ago I would I would give blow job, and my tops would be happy with that. Today, they "fuck" my face, it s like a trend in which it seems the bottoms have to adapt and outperform themselves, that s all I m saying...

Look at fist fucking as another exemple. It s not my thing but... There are now vids and vids in X of brutal prolapses. It s not only fist fucking anymore and it feels like, in little time, fist fucking without these extreme "arming" performances once again endured by the bottoms, will be regarder as vanille sex.

[IntoBBvisitor]

That 22yo guy was good, really good, and that s why I went along with his way of fucking me. I know there are other bottoms that will satisfy him and I want him to pick me next time.

But that s not my point.

What strikes me, and my point here, is this change that happenned...

20 years ago I would I would give blow job, and my tops would be happy with that. Today, they "fuck" my face, it s like a trend in which it seems the bottoms have to adapt and outperform themselves, that s all I m saying...

Look at fist fucking as another exemple. It s not my thing but... There are now vids and vids in X of brutal prolapses. It s not only fist fucking anymore and it feels like, in little time, fist fucking without these extreme "arming" performances once again endured by the bottoms, will be regarder as vanille sex.

[hntnhole]

20 hours ago, blackrobe said:

but I'm keen to hear your thoughts.

Sure, and thanks for asking;  

I can't say I know exactly why, but a lot of guys that prefer to Top have received the notion that Topping = Masculine = Aggressive = Domineering vs Dominant.  That notion is, to my mind, completely false.  

Needing to be the "active" partner has never translated as outlined above, except in the instance of a Bd/Sm hookup.  Rather few Topmen these days are at all familiar with the proper way to conduct that kind of formal "negotiation", so I won't go into that here.  I'll merely address the issue of Tops that simply don't know how to be good Tops, irrespective of the Bd/Sm ancillary issues.  

1.  Showing a measure of care for one's sexual partner, whether a life-long relationship or a 'spur of the moment' fuck in some fuckjoint, is demonstrating the strength-of-character that Top has achieved.  Failure to acknowledge the mere "human-ness" of a potential fuck in some pigpen, or when involved in a more durable relationship could be compared to a loud horn, trumpeting one's lack of experience.  How, one may ask, does it diminish a Top's stature to ask a bottom's favorite way to take loads?  Or if any particular sexual act is preferred, or to be avoided.  Even in the backrooms this can be accomplished within seconds, and only demonstrates that our Top possess some measure of care not only for his own pleasure, but also some measure of care that he give his bottom a great fuck.  That small, little bit of communication can make both men have a far better breeding than if neither mentioned anything to the other.  Who, I wonder, has laid down the "rule" that Tops are to be incommunicative, bottoms are to remain silent, neither mentioning anything to the other.  

2.  The "strong, silent type" is often merely a disguise for a guy that doesn't know what he's about, and worse, doesn't give a hoot about the other guy(s) either.  If neither guy has any particular "likes" or "dislikes", great.  If one of them does, but is concerned about mentioning it, not so great.  Too often, Tops aren't mind-readers, they're hole-readers.  As in "grrrrr ... can't wait to get in that cumhole", when there may be other issues to discover first.  In some backroom where a lucky bottom is taking all cummers, merely getting in line is enough.  But, those events are relatively few and far between for most guys.  Therefore, Tops need to be aware enough to want to know what turns the bottom's crank.  Take the time to ask him, for petes sake.  Give the bottom permission (indirectly) to mention anything that he needs to communicate to the Top, and pay attention to what the bottom says.  Aslk any questions you minght need to ask.  It doesn't have to be more than a few phrases, but giving the bottom the chance is important.  

3.  Tops should never misrepresent their skills.  Be honest, for chrissake.  If there's x quality in the bottom you're not attracted to, merely say some innocuous, non-judgemental thing and move on.  Bottoms are precious - they're humans that need what Tops have.  Respect them, don't demean them.  Treat them well, as you yourself would want to be treated.  They don't deserve maltreatment, just to make yourself feel puffed up.  They're just as human as any guy - so treat them that way.  Only fearful men pretending to be bold do shit like that to their peers.  

Coda:  Always be respectful, since that's the mark of a real man; a "mench", as some here will recognize.  Whether T, b, or switch; being observant of others humanity is always the right thing.  

[sneakybare]

Married guys tend to forget that bottoms are happy to be used but use some skill and lube

Don't just go balls deep in one thrust 

[PozBearWI]

Well said @hntnhole.  No wonder I feel as a kindred spirit with you.

[BlueSaphir]

16 hours ago, sneakybare said:

Married guys tend to forget that bottoms are happy to be used but use some skill and lube

Don't just go balls deep in one thrust 

Many tops DO NOT understand this. Very few have this knowledge and skills. I wish many top would understand this. 

[NWUSHorny]

I think there is a huge difference between being rough and aggressive, and top trying to hurt someone intentionally. I'm verse and fuck the same way I like to be fucked, which means a gentle initial entry, and then once the hole has relaxed, switch to a good hard, rough and aggressive pounding. I'm not a delicate flower, nor were most of the guys I've fucked in my life. Just don't hurt each other.

[hntnhole]

On 2/22/2026 at 5:46 PM, blackrobe said:

but too much of that can read as performative to me.

You're being most gracious in that description, blackrobe.  I think the fact is, there aren't enough naturally-inclined Tops around to keep their bottoms satisfied.  

To your question above though, pleasing oneself above pleasing both partners has, I think, always been an issue for gay guys.  Not because we're innately selfish, but more because we don't have the benefit of culturally-acceptable "family trees".  Only in the large, major population centers do we find organizations dedicated to - and for the advancement of - men who hear (and answer) the Call to Dominance.  I was fortunate, living in Chicago, to find and associate with a couple of those kinds of organizations, and benefitted from those experiences.  Maybe that can be replicated (to some degree) in online organizations? 

We could most likely start one here on BZ, if enough guys would be interested.  It wouldn't be like the in-the-flesh memberships in Leather or Bd/Sm clubs of the past, but these days nothing is like it used to be.  You mention the issue of appearing "performative", and that's an astute perception.  I'm not really sure how many (percentage-wise) men there that even  remember those in-the-flesh membership organizations.  For example, I well-remember being corrected years ago by a Master at CHC, when learning the proper way to handle a flogger.  A Master observed me, interrupted me and then corrected me, and watched me continue to make sure he'd corrected the issue.  

Interesting that you comment about the appearance of being "performative";  for some guys, it isn't much more than that, and who needs to perpetuate that mess?  I think that in any group setting, some measure of "performative" acts will take place, mostly by those men who aren't quite secure in their knowledge of self, which is reflected in their skills.  I see you're in Seattle - are there any gay newspapers, periodicals in your area which would carry ads, announcements of Leather/Bd/Sm organizations?  That would be a good start, and I'll cross my balls that there are (since obviously, my fingers are busy now).  I'm not conflating the Leatherlife with Bondage or Sadomasochism; they are often related, but also have different goals.  

If you'd like, maybe further discussion via private message would be most appropriate?  

[hntnhole]

It's mutual, PBW ....