Philip

Hello beautiful, A lot happened today, and it’s not that I don’t want to tell you all about it. It’s just that sometimes, I want the moment to settle into my bones for a little while—to let the experience wash over me, to ponder it quietly before sharing it, even with you. One day, I’ll tell you everything. And maybe by then, it’ll be better—because I’ll have processed it more fully and gained a clearer perspective. Remember Johnny? One of our friends who’s in an open relationship with Wen? He’s coming over early in the morning for a quick sleepover before we spend the entire day playing the newly released Donkey Kong game on the Switch 2. It’s going to be a full-on day, I reckon. We’ll probably take some breaks so I can squeeze in a bit of singing and piano practice. I might even get him to snap a few photos of me at the piano to update my Hinge profile! That’s pretty much it for tonight, buddy. Short and sweet—like strawberry cheesecake. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I want to spend a bit of time today talking about Suf—the guy I’m currently chatting with on Hinge. He’s the one I mentioned where we’ve almost exclusively been sending voice memos instead of texting like normal people. From the start, he made it clear that he’s looking for companionship and nowhere near a partnership right now, which I respect. Right off the bat, we’ve been exchanging voice messages in the morning, throughout the day, and even right before bed. Remember how I used to feel frustrated with the state of modern dating, especially with people in their 30s who seem too busy for meaningful connection? I know it’s possible to lead a full life and still make time for others. I’m doing singing and piano lessons, hitting the gym, journaling—and yet I still carve out time to connect. Surely there must be others like me, right? And sure enough, there are. Suf works ten-hour days as a veterinarian, and yet he still makes time. Even if it’s just for friendship, it reminds me that when someone genuinely values connection, they’ll show up. I needed that reminder. And I’m so grateful to him for it. Also, I invited him over this Sunday. I kept it low-pressure, told him there’s no obligation if he’s not comfortable—but I did let him know there’d be a home-cooked meal waiting if he came. That put a smile on his face, and he accepted. So now I’m quietly excited to see how it all pans out. I want to mention Phil for a moment, too. We haven’t spoken in a few days, and interestingly, he hasn’t really crossed my mind either. I’m grateful to the universe for bringing Suf into my life, because his presence has helped loosen the emotional grip I had on Phil. A few weeks ago, I was talking to our old man, and he said that if Phil and I ever crossed paths romantically again, I could decide then whether or not I even want to date him. At the time, I remember saying, “Of course I would—I’ve been hoping for that.” I couldn’t imagine saying no. But now? That’s starting to shift. When we meet again, we’ll both be different people, walking different paths. If you asked me today whether I’d say yes to dating him, I think I’d say 70% yes… and 30% no. And honestly, that 30% is growing. I think it’s because I’m starting to see the ocean again—the vastness of it—and even though the good ones are few and far between, there are still fish in the sea. I’ve also been chatting with other guys on Hinge, but none of them have sparked my interest the way Suf has—even though, again, it’s just friendship. Maybe it’s the honeymoon phase of meeting someone new and wanting to build something strong from the ground up, or maybe the others just don’t click. Either way, I’m trusting my gut. And right now, my gut is telling me to keep building this connection with Suf, however it unfolds. Have an awesome night, buddy. And remember—give Kevin tight hugs, always. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, Just a quick message tonight since not too much happened today. I picked up the piano stool from the post office, so now I can play Mary Had a Little Lamb like a true professional. Up & Go was also on sale at Woolies, so like the unhinged bastards we are, I ended up buying 800 cartons—which should last us a solid three months until the next sale. It took two hours to drive, carry, and stock the whole thing into the house, which means I didn’t get much time to practice piano or singing tonight. Still, I’ll try to squeeze in a little bit just to keep the momentum going. Life is good. Busy, but good. Stay awesome, buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I had another singing lesson today. In fact, I don’t think we should even call them singing lessons anymore; we should call them therapy sessions with singing as a bonus. I told Elissa, the vocal coach, about the updates—how I’ve taken up both singing and piano lessons—and she did what she does best: deep-dived into how I was feeling about it all. She could sense that I was overwhelmed, trying to juggle everything at once on top of a full-time job. She reminded me that singing isn’t a linear path. Some days it goes up, some days it goes down, and sometimes it moves sideways—because the body is made of flesh and blood, not machinery. It’s not always consistent. Patience is the key she keeps trying to drill into me, and then she asked the hard question: why am I trying to rush the process? I told her it was because I wanted to show I’d done some work so I didn’t show up to her lessons empty-handed. But the real reason, which I only realised later, is that all her students are encouraged to perform at the end-of-term showcase—which is in two months—and I can barely match pitch with confidence right now. I think I’m nervous and anxious about it, and that’s affecting my voice. So we spent some time afterward just doing breathing exercises, and then used the last few minutes to work on the song Chasing Cars. We actually made a lot of progress with it, which gave my confidence a boost. I really love this mix of therapy and singing, and her whole approach—where the mind plays such a big role in how you produce sound. She’s not the kind of teacher who makes you start doing scales the moment you walk through the door. Instead, she helps you ground yourself first. I didn’t even know that was part of singing. It’s one of those skills and mindsets I know I’ll carry into other areas of life, too. In other news, I’ve been talking more with Suf, the guy I connected with on Hinge. I found out today that he broke up with his partner about seven weeks ago and is moving to Melbourne to start fresh. He was in a 19-year relationship—and he’s only 30 years old (well, that’s what his profile says). That’s a long time, and I can’t even begin to imagine how he’s feeling right now. I asked him what he’s looking for on the app, and he said he’s not looking for a partner or relationship at the moment (fair enough). He said he’s just looking for companionship, and he hoped that wouldn’t deter me from continuing this friendship. My first reaction? Why does the universe keep sending me emotionally unavailable men? I’m like a magnet for it, dammit. But secondly, I value connection too much to let the chance for something meaningful pass by—even if it only ends in friendship. Let’s just hope I don’t fall for this guy too. Move through life with that awesome energy, buddy. Chat soon. xx

Hello beautiful, I’ll make you a deal: we won’t be talking about Phil today. I’ve been chatting with this guy on Hinge. His name is Suf, and the really cool thing we’ve started doing is sending voice memos. He’s pretty good at texting too, but I wanted to use voice more—to express my thoughts in a raw and intimate way—and he was on board with it from the beginning. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m learning piano and singing, which makes me more focused on sound these days, but he’s got a really great talking voice. Warm, safe, comfy. It’s the kind of voice I wouldn’t mind listening to while lying beside him in bed as he talks about his day. I want to share something else with you, buddy. Our old man is going to tell us one day to let love surprise us. In the past, we’ve always dated people close by, and they’ve all been Vietnamese, haven’t they? Lately, I’ve been more open—to people who live further away, even to those from different backgrounds. It’s not because I think the local Vietnamese dating pool is limited. I just think the person we’ll fall for might not be who we expect. They might fall outside our age bracket, come from a different culture, or be something else entirely. I’m learning to open the door to whoever decides to walk through it and meet me where I am—with warmth and kindness. And on that topic, we need to talk about appearance too. I’ve been pretty picky so far, swiping left or right based on looks. But I’m easing up on that now. Of course appearance matters, but we’ve known for a long time that it fades. That’s why we chose Kevin, isn’t it? Not because he was a model, but because he loved us more than anyone else did. When we’re old and wrinkly, only love will outlast what we look like. So now, I’m choosing based on how people make me feel. It’s as simple as that. In other news, I think I’ll defer my singing lessons for a term. I’ve tried doing both piano and singing at once, and I’m struggling hard to balance the two. They’re both new to me, and I’m leaning more toward piano right now. The plan is to finish off this half-term with singing, take the remaining term off to focus solely on piano, and then resume both in term four. I think that’s a smart move. I’m still in the honeymoon phase with piano, and it’s already hard enough trying to remember where the F key is, let alone singing on pitch while I play. Let’s see where this messy ride takes us. Love you, buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I’m feeling a bit sad today. You know, sometimes I wonder how much about the future I should send to you—if you’ll become constantly anxious, waiting for my daily messages, not knowing what the future holds. I ask myself whether I should send you the bad news or let you experience things on your own. I mean, if I tell you everything that’s going to happen, is there any joy left in the unknown? But then I think about when we read a book and a movie adaptation comes out. We already know what’s going to happen because we’ve read the book, but the movie isn’t any less exciting just because we know how it ends, is it? I know I’ve been talking non-stop about Phil the past couple of days, and today won’t be any different. I realised you don’t know what he looks like, or the little interactions that play out between us—and I think I’ll leave that magic for you to experience when you meet him. I’ll only cover the major events. I got a message from him today. Just the usual banter we exchange from time to time, but then, towards the end, he dropped a bombshell: he’s moving to Sydney in a couple of months to expand his business. My initial reaction was excitement for him. His business is his life, and it’s great that he’s thinking about growing it. But then I remembered the first few weeks after I met him, when he said he wanted to slow down this year because he was burnt out—from work, from relationships. He said he needed to let his thoughts catch up with him. I don’t think he was lying. I think that was just where he was in that moment—tired, post-breakup, just trying to find himself again. But that was a couple of months ago. He’s healing now. He’s finding himself again. And I think he’s gaining clarity on what he wants to do with his life. Right now, he’s pouring everything into his work. And maybe, a part of him is also moving to Sydney for a fresh start in life and love. I remember when we broke up with Kevin, how I wanted to join the Airforce—not just for structure or adventure, but partly to reset my life. To make a big change so everything felt new. And you know what I found at the end of that, buddy? I found that happiness had been right on my doorstep the whole time. But I was still glad I went through the journey to discover that for myself. I used to think that when the universe finally pushed Phil away, I’d be relieved—because then I’d be forced to stop chasing. And now that day has come, and I don’t feel relief at all. I mean, I’m happy for him. But I’m also overwhelmed with sadness. I sat with it all day, trying to pinpoint it, and I think the sadness comes from the loss of possibility—the slow closing of the door on what we might have been. I’ve been loosening my grip on him for a while now, and now the universe is saying, “Let go.” And the truth is, I’ve had the power to do so all along. But I’m struggling. It’s not easy, buddy. You know what it feels like? It feels like the ache I had when I broke up with Van. Or with Kevin. Except this one feels different, but it cuts just as deep. It’s different because with Van and Kevin, we gave it a proper shot and we knew it wouldn’t work out. With Phil, we’re dancing with possibility—with what-ifs and maybes. And sometimes, those are just as powerful. Just as painful. So yeah, that’s where I’m at, buddy. I’m grieving. But I will let the feeling wash over me instead of running away from it. I will let the pain hurt, because it means I really cared. It means I really loved him—with everything I had. But I can tell you one thing for sure—and you probably already know this: we’re never going to give up on love. Not in this lifetime. There are still so many guys out there we haven’t met yet, and I’m going to keep trying and trying and trying. I won’t let my heart go cold. I won’t build walls just because love is hard. Because I know it’s worth it. We’ve felt it before. And when it’s right, it’s beautiful. You’re going to be alright, buddy. I promise. Love you always. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, The first part of today was a bit hectic for me. It was basically covering basic life necessities like buying medications, underwear, socks, and winter clothes that I’ve neglected for a while now. It makes me feel like an adult when I get all this basic stuff covered lol. I also bought the present for Phil too, which is coming up in less than three weeks—some nice bowls and plates. I think he’s going to love them! Remember the rule for buying gifts for adults, buddy? Always buy the upgraded version of what they already own. Phil has some good bowls and plates, but I think we can do better than that hehe. I truly think he’ll love it because it’s super practical, and it’s something he can use for a very long time. Plus, every time he uses it, he’ll lowkey think of us. Strategic, if you ask me. I then met Dan afterwards and we lay on his couch, cuddled, and talked about life for about two hours. It felt really nice. I updated him on what’s happening in my life, from music to singing lessons to self-love, and he told me what’s been happening in his life too. We then played Mario Kart, had dinner, listened to some of his favourite music on YouTube, and watched a movie. Somewhere along the way, I got a message from Phil, apologising for the delay in messages this week because he’s in Sydney and had to look after his aunties. I haven’t replied to him yet, even though there’s a pull to do so, but I’ll reply when I’m ready. Something interesting happened when I was with Dan though. Dan is one of our many friends with benefits, buddy, but today, we didn’t have sex or anything. We barely kissed at all. Just two guys cuddling it out, and it felt really nice and purely physical. I didn’t feel anything when I was with him. I care for him as a friend, yes, but nothing more than that. And I think to myself, is this what friends with benefits is all about? Just two friends cuddling each other without any other hidden agenda underneath it all? And then I think about Phil, and if Phil feels this way about me. You know, how I’m just a friend to him, and a warm body to hug. And the bittersweet thing about all this is that I feel that when I do see Phil again, and we cuddle and kiss, it will start to feel just that—physical. And all that emotional load will no longer be there, and I feel sad about it all. Sad perhaps for the loss of what was and the what-ifs, the possibilities of something more between us, even if I was the only one to feel that way. Phil will just become like any of my other friends with benefits, and when I look into his eyes, I will finally see him for what he truly means to me right now in the present: just a friend with benefit. Not a lover. Not something more. Not right now. Someday, maybe, we might go on that second date, and things will go in a different direction. Maybe they won’t. But whatever happens, buddy, I will continue moving on with my life, not to run away from the pain or anything, but because life is too short to stand and wait for maybes. Oh, and before I forget, I think I’ve figured out the phone calls dilemma I told you about yesterday. Here is the current plan: I’m going to tell people if they have time for a 20-minute phone call catch-up. Then when we talk on the phone, I’ll keep an eye on the time, and at the 20-minute mark, I’ll just ask them if they want to continue or if they want to end the call here. That way, it gives them an opt-out since I did say 20 minutes. I’m not sure if this will work, but I’ll give it a shot. Stay awesome buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, It is Friday night and I am home all alone, and you know what? It doesn’t feel bad or lonely at all. It feels nice. I just got off a two-hour phone call with Johnny and caught him up on all the wild things that are happening in my life, and afterwards, I felt a sense of closeness with him and a dopamine rush as well. That feeling of being mattered. That I exist. After watching recent movies like Dear Evan Hansen and Thunderbolts, where the theme is loneliness and being mattered to the world, being seen by someone—even someone who once wasn’t close in my life—is a wonderful feeling, buddy. I think I’ll take a page from Steve’s book (who is quite traditional in his thinking) and start making more phone calls with people now instead of just sending text messages. Text messages used to be good, but they take time to write and compose, and sometimes you can get through a lot just by talking to someone for a few minutes. The only problem is, though, that phone calls with me are hardly just a few minutes. They usually last about an hour, even unintentionally. So my biggest worry is that if the phone calls consistently last too long, would people stop wanting to talk with me because they don’t have that much time to spare? Because they lead such busy lives? Another problem I have with phone calls is that some people like to multitask. For instance, I was talking to this guy named James and he would sometimes clean his room or something while talking, and it would be distracting to me because I’d hear every little noise he made, from the shuffling of papers to boxes being moved around. Even my mum cooks and washes dishes while talking on the phone, and it makes me wonder if their lives are so busy that they can’t set aside time for you. Sometimes it makes me think it’s a big ask for someone to give you an hour of their time. But then I also think, if they value the friendship enough, they could spare an hour to connect with you? I’m still working on figuring this one out, and I hope I gain better clarity with time. In other news, I went to Coles today because on Fridays and weekends now, I want to treat myself to eating something new to break up my very boring bulking diet. Coles has these packaged roast lamb legs that you just pop in the oven for 30 minutes, and you cook rice on the side. It’s pretty cheap too, and there are a lot of options I want to try out. I think it would be a great way to cook something when inviting guys over for a date. Plus, I have these really nice plates that make everything look super classy. It’s past midnight and I think I’ll practice a bit more piano before bedtime tonight. Love you always. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, I’m not going to lie to you, buddy—my days are getting packed and it’s still pretty hard to balance everything. Let’s break it down. To work 8 hours a day and try to get that elusive 8 hours of sleep, I pretty much only have 5 hours of free time left, accounting for things like commute, traffic, eating, showering, etc. These 5 hours are spread like this: 1. Gym 2. Journaling 3. Piano practice 4. Singing practice 5. Walking The list above is also the order I’d rank them in, from most to least important, and walking feels so much like a luxury these days. It’s important because it’s self-care—I walk to untangle the thoughts in my mind, and it’s very calming too. But so is writing to you every night. That’s what my Monday to Friday looks like. Weekends are a bit more flexible; these days, I usually just spend that time practicing piano or singing—and, of course, our favorite thing in the world, which is napping, hehe. Johnny has also been sending us more messages lately, which is weird because he doesn’t usually do that. We scheduled a phone call recently that he flaked on, so I think this is his way of smoothing out the friendship, which I’m not sure how I feel about. I noticed that I’ve been replying to him about once a day out of politeness. The text is still warm, though, but the energy isn’t there. And then that made me think about how Phil has been texting me lately—once a day—and it suddenly made me realize that he might have been doing it out of politeness too. Sometimes, he might just pop in to say hi, but that’s pretty much it. There’s definitely nothing more beyond that, I don’t think. And it wasn’t until I was in his shoes that I realized what’s actually happening. So, what am I going to do? Nothing much, really. Just meet him with warmth and kindness when I see him, but not pour too much of myself into the relationship if it isn’t mutual. Relationships between friends are dynamic, and I can’t force a bond to happen if it doesn’t want to. One day, I’ll meet someone amazing, and things are going to feel easy with the connection. That’s when I’ll know I should pour more of myself in. But I haven’t met that person yet. One last thing. Mum was singing today and I’ve been longing to do two things: listen to her sing, and give her a hug. I did both of those things today. I grabbed my gym bag and stopped myself when she was singing karaoke, just to sit there and listen to her sing. I didn’t look at my phone or anything. One day, she won’t be here anymore, and I’ll miss her singing more than anything—I just know it. So I sat there and absorbed the moment. Afterwards, she asked if I wanted to sing and I said no, and she was surprised because she thought the only reason I stayed was to sing afterwards. She was happy that I witnessed her performance, and we hugged. We should hug our mum more often, buddy. Love you always. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful, Alright, so the biggest news of today was me going out and buying the piano, even after having to stay back overtime because one of the machines at work broke down. That’s dedication, buddy! The whole trip lasted three hours. I went into the shop and told the girl at the counter that I was looking for a digital piano and didn’t know anything about it, and she basically went through a number of pianos including her recommendations. She mentioned that I should choose it based on the feel of the keys (which I thought all felt the same at first). When she left me to my own devices, I tried every single one of them and settled for this lesser-known brand called Kawai. It’s not a Casio or a Yamaha, but I don’t really mind because it felt and sounded really good to me, so I went with my gut feeling. This one also comes with a stand and pedals too, and I had to buy a chair separately, so I got the complete package, buddy! I have to say though, the packaging was intense and now I have a lot of rubbish to dispose of. I’ve been playing the piano for a bit and I noticed that my wrist and my hands, especially the left non-dominant one, got tired very quickly. I think this is just something that I’ll get used to. Also, remember when we first started learning how to touch type? It was a very slow process because we were trying to remember where each of the keys were? This is exactly the same process for learning the piano as well, where we have to get used to the finger placement. And the songs so far, at least, require me to remember where each finger is on the keys. I also have to know where each of the notes are on the treble or bass staff so I can play the notes. I think I’ll approach it systematically, by saying out the letters first and then trying to remember where my fingers are. I used to enjoy playing video games, and now I feel very addicted to learning the piano as my own sort of game. Both are rewarding in their own way, but I find myself much more excited to get home and start playing the piano as opposed to playing the Switch 2 when it was released. I am also struggling to balance everything in my life at the moment, buddy. It seems like a struggle right now to do both piano and singing practice on the same day. I’m leaning much more on practicing the piano after work, but I do find myself singing randomly at work more often now, so I guess that counts as practice, right? Actually, it’s a bit more conscious than that. When I’m singing at work, I’m listening very carefully to how each of my notes sounds, especially when there’s only a difference of one note between the words. That’s the part where I need to practice a lot more. You are going to have the time of your life soon, buddy. Chat soon xx

Hello beautiful bastard, Today was the first lesson for my piano, and I want to tell you all about it. The piano teacher is only a ten-minute drive from our workplace and he is Vietnamese too! Except, I didn’t know until the very end when I asked for his name—hehe. We learned through the very basics, going through a children’s book (which I purchased at the end). I still get a lot of nervous energy around him, and I’m not sure if that’s who he is naturally, or if he’s just a nervous teacher in general. Perhaps time will tell. I do like his teaching style though, which is a bit all over the place. He tries to keep things structured, but sometimes I’ll ask him a random advanced question, and he’ll get up, grab a book off his shelf, and answer the question by showing me an example, followed by something like, “but this is more advanced and down the track,” which I like because it gives me a glimpse of what’s ahead. This is quite different to the approach that my vocal coach takes, because sometimes she’ll think in her head whether she should tell me something or not and decides against it because it might confuse me. I like both approaches, and it’s pretty fascinating how I managed to find two different teachers with wildly different styles. To be honest, buddy, I feel like I am living life these days instead of just moving through it. I feel very lucky that I’m able to work in a job that I love, have a roof over my head, a car that works, be in good health, and have a family that’s healthy too. There isn’t too much stress happening in my life. I feel very lucky that I can manage my finances to allow these types of luxuries into my life. We’re spending like $200 a week on singing and piano lessons combined, which is a lot of money for most people, but I feel that I’m at a stage now where this amount, although a lot, doesn’t feel like wasted money. It’s very valuable because it’s giving me the experience of living life, and it makes life richer and more beautiful. I guess you can contrast this with spending money on junk food, cigarettes, smokes, drugs, gambling—and I’d be very angry and disappointed in myself for wasting money that way. But this is different. This leads to growth, buddy. I also found out one of the secrets to adulthood which many people will never experience, which is to spend money on teachers to speed up your learning. It’s really worth it. And it makes me look at myself and all the skills I have—like personal trainer, massage therapist—and how I should charge people when I teach them. Over the years, I’ve had people ask, and I’ve just done it out of kindness. But out of respect for me and my craft, I really need to start charging people. And you know what? The people who respect teachers and the work they do, they’ll happily pay. Just like I did. Oh, speaking of which—today we went overtime by half an hour, and the piano teacher said I should just pay him for the 30 minutes, which I said okay to. But when I got in the car, I paid him for the full hour. I didn’t have to do that, but I did it because I respected his time and his craft, and I’m very proud of myself for that. That’s class, buddy. We could have saved $35, but the damage it would’ve done would outweigh just paying him properly. Now, gut feeling says he’ll pour more of himself into our future classes, because we’ve already established mutual respect. That’s another secret of adulthood. I’ll give you that one for free, dipshit. Love you heaps. Chat soon. xx

Hello beautiful bastard, A couple of updates for today. I’m making it a rule now to first and foremost share any news and updates with you by sending you a quick text throughout the day, even for the small, mundane things. Then, I will share it with the world. Sometimes, I catch myself sending things to people first and waiting for them to reply, and I feel a bit sad when they don’t. And I think to myself, why did I do that? I could just share it with myself first (you), savour the news, then share it with others. That way, if they don’t reply, it’s okay because I’ve already experienced it for myself. I’m thinking of saying something like, “I hope you enjoy it as much as I did,” or “I wanted to share a slice of something amazing with you.” I’ll come up with other ways to share good and bad news with others in the upcoming days. I’m also recently getting into this thing called erotic asphyxiation, which is basically self-choking while jerking off. You know how we take forever sometimes just to come? Well, this method makes me cum in less than a minute, but it’s dangerous as hell. This morning, I tried it by squeezing my own throat, and I think I damaged it a bit because it was sore the whole day, and during singing practice, I couldn’t hit some of the notes. Oops. I’ll have to be careful with it next time. This is one of the reasons why I don’t think we’ll live past the age of 40, buddy—because of all the risky, stupid shit we get up to. But we like to live life on the edge, eh? Another good bit of news today is that I finally found a piano teacher. I had to call four different teachers before I got in contact with him. This one seems to be a random guy from Sunshine. He gave me a call earlier and he sounded a bit nervous and not very professional, so I’m not sure if that’s just his personality or if he was actually nervous. But he talked really fast, and it made me talk fast too. You’ll learn somewhere in massage school the technique of speaking very slowly and clearly to calm others down, and this was the complete opposite. He said he would send me an invoice to pay him, but he hasn’t done that yet, so we’ll see how the session goes tomorrow. I’m feeling both excited and apprehensive. He’s so chill and casual about the whole thing that he seems more like a friend teaching me rather than a professional teacher, so I don’t really know how I feel about that. I also talked to my old man at length about my situation with Phil, and this is what he had to say. He said between now and when I next see Phil, I should treat him like any other friend. At the moment, I’m putting him on the balcony with a spotlight while others are drinking punch in the background. Bring him down to the same level as everyone else. He also told me to loosen my grip on him, because I’m clenching too hard. And just the imagery of loosening my grip until I eventually let go feels very liberating. I’ve been holding my breath for so long that I’ve forgotten how to breathe, buddy. I think about my future partner—how I’ll meet him one day, perhaps on the app or in an unexpected place—and we’ll just get along, and it’ll feel easy. Communication will feel effortless. I won’t be chasing anymore. It’ll feel just right. I’m not getting that from anyone at the moment, and I have to keep reminding myself not to chase. And that’s sometimes harder than it sounds, isn’t it? So what am I doing now? I’m sharing my life with you first, because no matter where I am in life, we have each other. Then I’m sharing parts of my life with the people who are actually showing up—those who care for me. My circle of friends is so dynamic right now that people are constantly finding a seat at my table and leaving. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don’t. But it keeps changing constantly, and I have to celebrate life with them when they’re with me at the table, and to wish them well when they decide to leave. I can remember the good old days with wistful eyes, but I can’t keep holding on to the past, because then I’ll be stuck there. When I’m there with them, the best gift I can give is to be present—to give them my full, honest self. Not to feel sad because this might be the last time I ever get to spend time with them, or to feel excited about the good times in the future—because, well, that future might never come. I’m moving through life with the grace, honesty, and kindness that people have known and loved us for, buddy. It’s fucking hard, I’m not going to lie to you. But it’s very rewarding, with restful night sleeps and good health. And sometimes, that’s what life is all about. I love you, buddy. Always. Have a good night. Chat soon. xx

Hello beautiful, Today, first thing in the morning, I drove all the way to Ikea again to grab the curtains and the rug. I had a bit of trouble finding the curtains, actually, because it said there were over a hundred in stock, but I couldn’t find any in the location. Even the staff couldn’t find them. I was very disappointed after making it all this way again, and I stood there contemplating whether I should compromise and get something of inferior quality—when I saw the curtains I wanted. They were half buried under a different brand. Whoever stocked it had put it in the wrong location. Hell yes! And I also found the rug too. So I drove home, windows rolled down, playing some good music, bobbing my head to the sound of the good vibes, and life felt pretty good, buddy. When I got home, I got started on it right away. And that was when I felt this ache to share the experience with someone. You see, when we were with Kevin, I would regularly send him updates on how everything was going. I had this temptation to send updates to Phil, and I stopped myself. I decided that once I was finished, first and foremost, I needed to share it with myself—so I did. I sent the image to you. And then I started sharing it with the world, including Phil. Some people replied, others didn’t, but that’s okay because I’m not sending it out to get approval or to fill a void. If no one replies, that would be okay, because I experienced it for myself. I savoured it, and now I’m inviting others into my world to experience it with me. I’m sending it out from a place of abundance. Agia and I are naturally drifting apart. Our messages are very few and far between, and they’re short and shallow. I think he’s one of those people who will slowly drift into the void. Phil is another person who’s been on my mind. I tried to organise a time to meet up with him in the next couple of weeks to give him his birthday present, but it’s been over twenty-four hours since the message and he still hasn’t replied. It makes me feel like I’m definitely not in his top priorities right now. It stings because I can see myself making him a priority, so I can feel how it’s starting to become a one-way street in terms of connection. And that’s the same with a lot of my current friends at the moment—even the ones I place in my top five close friends. Sometimes their replies take a week, and it makes me feel like I can’t really deepen my relationship with them except for when we meet in person, which only happens once every couple of weeks or so. To be honest, with Phil, I am secretly hoping that he’s busy today because he’s met someone and is having a wonderful time with that man, which is why he doesn’t have time to be on his phone. I would genuinely be happy for him to have found someone, because dating is very difficult and finding someone is not easy. So if he can do it, then I’m rooting for him all the way. Secretly, deep down, I also want him to date someone else because it would instantly bring some clarity into my life. I mean, if he’s ready to date again and is dating someone else, then that means he’s not interested in me—otherwise, he would have come back to date me, right? And if that’s the case, that he’s dating someone else, then it could be the best reason for me to finally let go of him. No more what-ifs. That would be a relief, buddy. I’m also holding onto a lot more power than I give myself credit for. I could choose to walk away from all this any time I want—to thank him for the beautiful chapter we offered each other and go our separate ways. But I choose not to leave just yet. And I don’t really know why that is. Well, I do know. I just don’t want to admit it or name it, because then it becomes too real. But what the heck—I’ll say it anyway: I want him to choose me. And maybe if I stick around long enough, he might. But I can feel a part of my soul dying each day, buddy, waiting for him. Even though I am moving forward with my life—through singing and hopefully soon, piano lessons, through house renovations and going on solo dates with myself—if I’m honest, I am only doing these things to try and outrun Phil and my feelings toward him. To distract myself with so many things that I don’t have time to stop and think. But we both know that we are so damn good at managing our time that it doesn’t matter how much we pack into our days—we are still going to have so much free time, aren’t we? So that’s where I’m at right now, buddy. A bit of a beautiful mess, but that’s what being human is all about, isn’t it? Stay awesome. Have a good night. Chat soon. xx

Thank you for your beautiful reply @PozBearWI Always love hearing from you and your insights. Thank you for being part of this journey with me 🙂

Hello beautiful, I went to Ikea today with Agia and it was okay. There was a lot of traffic in the late afternoon; usually, I would go a lot earlier so that I could come home earlier, but Agia had to do his shopping and weekly errands, so we had to push it a bit later. I was pretty tired by the time I got there. We hugged and I gave my signature kiss on the cheek (you’ll be doing this a lot whenever you meet new guys on a date, by the way), and we walked into the showroom. I felt a mismatch in energy from the get-go, and I’m not sure if it was because it was the first time we met or something else, but it was slightly awkward. It felt as though we were just going through the motions, so to speak. They didn’t have the curtains or rugs either, but then I checked again after I got home and it turned out they do have them after all! So I think I’ll make yet another trip there tomorrow to buy everything. I just checked the toll and it turned out to be fifteen dollars in total, which was more than I expected! I think it’ll save forty minutes of driving overall, and I’m not sure if I should take the scenic route (aka the long drive) and listen to a podcast, or just take the hit and make the trip quicker and more efficient. Let’s talk about Agia for a second. Buddy, the spark was not there. I know what a spark or chemistry feels like. It’s that excitement for getting to know someone and feeling them return that same enthusiasm. It’s the kind of energy that makes me feel playful, engaged, even when I’m a little tired—but I didn’t feel that energy today. Instead, I could sense that he was a bit drained, maybe from work or lack of sleep. I could feel that he’s in survival mode right now, just trying to get through the days, and so he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to fit me into his life. I remind myself what a spark feels like—I had it when I first met all my exes: with Van, Kevin, and even Phil. That feeling becomes the template for all future connections I build with someone. You can even feel it in the way someone writes—the tone, the flow, the spark in the language. For me, written communication is important not just because I’m a writer, but because if we end up living far apart, writing becomes the bridge that keeps the connection warm. There was one part of the connection that got me thinking, though. Agia said he wanted to learn Korean, and that he was planning to self-teach by buying books. I ended up sharing with him a bit of wisdom I’ve learned over the past few weeks about learning something new—if the budget allows, get a teacher. A really good, patient teacher can fast-track the process. It definitely feels like a luxury, but it’s well worth the value in the long run. I could tell he was a bit apprehensive about the idea, so I didn’t push it. On the drive home, I couldn’t help but feel deeply grateful that I’m in a position where I can afford things like singing and piano lessons at this stage in life, especially when so many people are struggling with rent and food. And while I always thank our parents for the sacrifices they made to get us here, I sometimes forget that we also worked really damn hard. We stayed focused at work, managed our finances carefully, kept both our mental and physical health in check, and built a strong philosophy on how to live. That’s worth recognising too. Don’t stop striving for kindness and success, buddy. I love you, always. Chat soon. xx