Philip

For those small words that get lost in the crowd. There’s this game I used to play called Poetry for the Neanderthal. It goes like this: You’re given a word. Using only single syllables, and working with a partner, you try to describe the clue until they guess it. It’s harder than it sounds, but like anything in life, practice makes the world go round, or something like that. Let me give you an example: apple. It’s a fruit. Red. Makes crunch when bite. Simple enough, right? But there are rules: you lose a point if you use words with more than one syllable, if you spell the word, if you make sounds to describe it, if you use hand gestures, or if you switch languages to get around the rules. Let me try another: water. Falls from sky, can turn to ice when cold. Still manageable. But then you get a tougher word, and the real fun begins. Here’s an example: Word: Destination You go here when you need to map it. Google Maps? No, um, this is a place you go to. A library. No, eh, when you need to go a place, it is called what? An office. No, um, when you go to a place and need to map it, it is called what? Destination? Yes! omg. The game shines brightest when the words are tough and players start relying on their shared intuition. I’ve seen teams where one person gives the most vague and baffling clues, yet their partner gets it right away. It’s fascinating. Almost magical. A kind of bond that doesn’t rely on perfect communication but on mutual understanding—an invisible thread connecting certain people. Some might call it emotional intelligence. For me, the most beautiful part of this game is how it forces you to strip away complexity and describe something in its rawest, most primitive form. It’s a skill—one that requires practice, sure, but also a mindset. And if you embrace it, it changes how you explain things, even in real life. I’ve started turning to AI to see how it approaches this simplicity, and here’s what it came up with: Eg1. Word: Cramp Me: You feel this when you run lots, might hurt, I think it is like a lump of sort. (Stitch?) No, um, might not be lump, it is when you hurt but feels good when time pass. Could be when you run. (Soreness?) I give up. AI: Pain in your leg or arm, makes it hard to move. Eg2. Word: Siesta Me: Like a nap but long. (Sleep?) No, um, can be long but short too. (Rest?) No, can be two or three time pass. (Slumber?) I give up. AI: Short rest in day, to feel new. Eg3. Word: Voicemail Me: When folks call but you don’t pick up, it goes to where? (Voicemail.) Yes! AI: Place for calls you miss, with words to hear. Using tools like AI has taught me to appreciate the beauty of simplicity. In a world where complexity is celebrated, it’s refreshing to pare things down. Simplicity doesn’t mean unintelligence; in fact, it often takes more effort and clarity to express a complex idea with simple words. I choose simplicity in my writing not because I lack vocabulary or because I can’t spell—well, maybe the second is a little true—but because I believe ideas can reach further when written plainly. Simple words can speak to everyone, from adults to children. And the earlier we can help children grasp the complexities of life, the better prepared they’ll be for this sometimes cruel but still fantastic world.

To familiar routes that shape our lives. Today is a class night, so I get in my car, pull up directions to the school. I’ve driven there over a dozen times now, the route etched into my mind, but today, the maps show me something new. A different way. It promises to be faster, so I decide, why not, let’s try it. It takes me down small streets, the kind lined with traffic lights, the kind that creep along at 40 kilometers an hour. I know these roads, I’ve been here before, but I don’t remember them being this slow. Regret sets in. I think about the freeway, smooth, straightforward, a path I know, but it’s too late to turn back now. So I keep going, letting the audiobook distract me, pretending the endless red lights don’t bother me, convincing myself this detour isn’t so bad. But it is. I arrive five minutes later than usual. Not much time, but enough to feel like a loss. Enough to make me miss the freeway. I think about life, how it’s filled with roads. The ones we know, the ones that twist and turn, the ones less travelled. When I was younger, I loved the idea of the road less travelled. I’d avoid toll roads, choosing longer, windier routes, saving a few dollars, but wasting time. Now? Now I value the straightforward path. The one that gets me where I need to go, the one that’s predictable, simple, the one that lets me breathe. But, life isn’t always a freeway. Sometimes, there are detours, roads we don’t expect, roads that force us to slow down, roads that make us question where we’re going. There’s joy in exploring them, in seeing where they take us, what they teach us, how they shape us. But there’s value, too, in the familiar roads. The ones that feel like home, the ones that bring us comfort, the ones that remind us of who we are. Shortcuts? They’re fine, as long as they don’t skip the scenes that matter. The milestones, the moments that make us grow.

To the knots in my mind that have yet to be untangled. On Massage Part 2 I am at my sister’s house, and she is lying on the massage table, on her stomach. The fan buzzes softly in the corner, upstairs, one of her kids cries, but none of it matters. This is her one hour of personal time, her chance to escape. I notice my movements today are rigid, stiff, and my mind flashes back to one of my trainers, reminding me, move like water, shift your body like waves at the beach, the ebb and flow. This matters because shifting your weight, moving with grace, pushes the force through your arms and into the client’s body, minimizing fatigue. So I adjust. I become water, I let myself flow, and suddenly, everything feels calm again, smooth, effortless, like it’s meant to be. On Artificial Intelligence One of my classmates in the massage course is fascinating, though not for the reasons you’d expect. She does things that make me scratch my head—or maybe that’s just my scalp being dry. The other day, I saw her at the sink, looking stressed. I asked how she was managing the course, and she admitted, I’m thinking of dropping out. Why? I asked. It’s too much work, she replied, and why do we have to learn so much about bones and muscles? I just want to do the hands-on part. I took a sip of my water, paused, and said, But isn’t it good we’re learning this? It makes us more competent. Knowing the muscles, the way the fibers run, is crucial to massage effectively. The conversation then shifted to AI. She admitted she’s been using it for her assignments, which didn’t surprise me, but then she said something that did: I use it for the sit-down tests too. My eyebrows shot up to the roof and into the atmosphere. I have yet to see them return. That crossed the line for me. Sure, I use AI for assignments—it helps me grasp concepts, prepares me—but I still learn the material. When I sit for tests, it’s me and my knowledge. AI is my mentor, my tutor, training wheels to guide me until I can ride solo. But she seems overly dependent on it, and I worry about how she’ll manage in the real world, where AI can’t always be there to hold your hand. On Threesomes Things with Sean, Phong, and me are going well. As you may recall, we met during a threesome on one of my sexual adventures at Pipemakers Park, and I managed to get Sean’s number. Over a week of text exchanges, we’ve planned to meet at their apartment this Saturday, and I’m both nervous and excited. In the past, I formed a connection with another couple, Tony and Hayden, but the chemistry wasn’t there—the kissing didn’t work—and after one threesome, that was it. We’re acquaintances now, nothing more. This time feels different, though. I’ve suggested something casual, like pizza and board games, to ease the mood. They haven’t replied to that yet, but they did offer me a parking spot in their building, which makes me wonder if I’ll be spending the night, and yes, I’m managing expectations. I’ve been using AI to help craft my texts to them, ensuring our communication is smooth. At first, I wondered if this was cheating. Am I presenting my authentic self when AI refines my thoughts into perfect sentences? But I’ve decided that the real test comes when we meet in person. There won’t be any AI then, just me, my instincts, and the lessons I’ve learned from the past. When I see them, I’ll remind myself: become water. Let the moment guide me, adapt to the situation, ebb and flow with whatever comes my way.

To those who love to teach. Today was the Provide First Aid course. It’s 33 degrees Celsius outside, the sun blazing brilliantly, but we’re tucked away in a classroom with the air conditioning humming softly. Our teacher, Peter, is lovely. His teaching style is unique, and I find myself wanting to borrow a page—or two—from his book to raise the standard of teaching in my own life. I don’t teach biology or history or legal studies. I suppose, though, that we’re all teachers in one way or another, with life as the subject taught and the people we meet as the classrooms we walk into along the way. Not all of us, sadly, are good teachers. But those who are—they are gifts to this world. I want to be one of those people. Peter is 66, wise, and brimming with knowledge. You can tell by the way he seamlessly weaves trivia into his lessons. When a student mentioned feeling confident with the material, Peter asked, Are you perfect in every way?—a playful nod to Mary Poppins. When he spoke about putting on gloves and masks before treating patients, he referenced the condom campaign slogan: If it’s not on, it’s not on. These little touches were subtle and clever, the kind of details you might miss if you weren’t paying close attention or didn’t catch the reference. Another of Peter’s strengths was the way he asked questions. He rarely singled anyone out, creating a low-pressure environment for learning. Instead of putting students on the spot, he used yes-or-no questions that were easy to engage with. For instance, when talking about seizures, he would ask something like: Would you strap the person down so they can’t move? (No.) Would you turn your back and pretend they weren’t there? (No.) Would you clear the table and chairs so they don’t hurt themselves? (Yes.) Even when he did pose a tricky question, he softened the moment by asking, Would anyone like to help this person out? And if we got it right, he’d respond warmly with a simple, Good on you. These little techniques made the classroom feel safe and welcoming—a space where mistakes were just part of the process. I want to carry that forward, to teach others with the same care and curiosity he showed us. *** On a separate note, I’ve been meeting new and old friends since the breakup, slowly sharpening my social skills again. I’ve started paying more attention to how I connect with others, and I’ve discovered a few questions that really help me get to know people on a deeper level: What are your thoughts on this? How do you feel about this? Does any of this resonate with you? What do you think is the best-case scenario for this? How do you think this will evolve in the next five years? What are you thinking about at this moment? What are you wondering about? These questions are quite introspective, and I find it so refreshing to stop and truly listen in a world where people so often talk about themselves. Hearing what’s on someone’s mind gives me a deeper understanding of who they are and why they think the way they do. And, in turn, I find myself thinking more deeply, too. Over time, this practice strengthens the connections we share and enriches my understanding of the world.

To the pleasure of touch I am currently studying for a Certificate IV in massage therapy. The course is ten months, part-time, which I juggle alongside my full-time job as a machine operator for Michelin tyres. My primary goal in taking this course was to give my current and future partners great massages because no one can decline a free massage, the fastest way to a person’s heart is through physical touch, and I needed something new to fill my free time. For years, my daily routine was work, gym, eat, sleep, repeat. I wanted to break the cycle by deliberately adding an extra element: school. Life has been hectic, but it’s been rewarding. I am meeting new people in class, which is something rare and special as an adult, and learning skills to add to my bottomless pit of life’s toolkit. Today, I’m at my sister’s house party, celebrating Albert’s first birthday. Many people here know I’m studying massage, and soon enough, requests come my way—a sore neck, a tight back. I could easily say no, I’m tired, I have class tomorrow, maybe another time. But I don’t. I’m excited to help, even though acts of service are at the bottom of my five love language list. When my hands find the oil and then their backs, I think about why I feel this excitement and it takes a while before the answers hit me. After six relatives and three hours, I’m not tired. I thank my years of gym discipline for that. I’m not relieved it’s over. And, most of all, I don’t resent the time it took. Instead, I feel peace in easing their pain—whether it’s neck pain, back pain, or the ache of missing human touch. Even brief moments of touch can bring someone unexpected pleasure or healing. The last man I massage is drunk, and he falls asleep the moment he lies down on the table. He’s married, and I’ve had a small crush on him. I think to myself, this is the closest we’ll ever be. I massage his arm, and even in his sleep, he grips mine from time to time. I continue, steady, relieving the tension in his muscles and, maybe, some of the burdens this world has placed on him. Therefore, massage, to me, feels like an honourable step toward healing. A woman lies on the table, her back tight and solid like a wooden plank. I feel excitement because I know she desperately needs help, and I have the tools and knowledge to provide it. My hands become instruments of relief, if only temporarily, and that’s a powerful thing—to lessen someone’s burden, even for a moment.

Pipemakers. Moonless night. 9 pm. I am feeling rather horny tonight, so I clean, start my car, head down to Pipemakers. The car park is full, which is promising, and I make my way through the back entrance towards the glory hole shed. I cross eyes with this Asian man, handsome was his face, and I make a mental note to play with him if our paths cross. A quick lap reveals no one of particular interest, and I spot the Asian man standing there, waiting. Another man nearby catches my eye—fit, tall. It’s getting darker now, so it’s hard to make out more. I decide to head to the glory hole booth, hoping they would follow me. Sure enough, they do, the both of them. The Asian man comes to me. We kiss, touch each other, and it’s not long before he’s in my mouth. The other man rims me. I’m not a fan of it, but I let him anyway. After a bit, I get up, kiss the Asian man some more. The kissing is good—very good—and we hug and get intimate. He gestures for the tall, fit man to join us. He does. Now the Asian man is inside me, and he fucks me roughly. I steady myself with the tall fit man, his dick inside my mouth. This goes on for a while until my stomach feels a bit upset. I stop, kiss the Asian man instead. After some time, he says he needs a break, so we part ways. A part of me wished I could have asked for his number. I almost never do that, but somehow, this feels different. I want to meet him again, but now I’m back in my car with an upset stomach, cursing the universe for causing such inconvenience. I decide to jerk off, but my dick is limp, and I’m thinking about the Asian man more and more. Fuck it, I say to myself. Perhaps he’s still around. So, I take my chances, get out of the car, walk back to the sheds. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s standing there by the gates, with the tall, fit man. They walk together, and we cross paths again, but we don’t say anything. I’m filled with regret, try to push my shyness away, but when I turn around, they’re gone again. I feel a pang of frustration. Then I see them, heading into the sheds. I follow. This time, the tall fit man is waiting in the dark. I approach him, and we immediately start to kiss. The kissing is just as good as the Asian man’s, who joins us soon after. Now I’m kissing them both, the intimacy high among us. Sometimes one of them sucks my dick, but most of the time, we’re just kissing and holding each other, intimate in ways beyond the physical. At one point, the Asian man leaves for a moment, and I summon the courage to ask the tall fit man if that’s his partner. Yes, he says. And I don’t know how I feel about that. A part of me wishes they were single, so I could take the next step, ask them out. A silly thought, but it felt right in the moment. The Asian man returns. He jerks off, says he’s close, so I bend down to take him in my mouth, and soon his cum is sliding down my throat. He says he’ll meet his partner in the car. The tall fit man and I kiss some more. I could kiss you all night, he says. Me too, I say. But, of course, we don’t. He leaves a few minutes later. Before he does, I do something I’ve never done in these sorts of encounters. I ask for his number. To my great joy, he agrees. His name is Sean, from Ireland, which explains the terrific accent. I tell him I’m Vietnamese. He smiles and says his partner’s name is Phong. We walk to our cars together, and he tells me he was about to leave but decided to do a last lap, just to see if I was still there. We regretted not getting your contact before, he says. Funny how the universe works, I think to myself. Always bringing people together in the most unusual ways and in the most unexpected of times. We part ways. Phong gets out of the car in front of me, waves goodbye, starts the engine, and drives off. As his car passes mine, Sean waves goodbye too, which I return warmly. I can’t wait to send him a message when I get home, I tell myself. The message is brief, thanking them for the lovely night and asking if they’d like to meet again. Later, I get a reply: Yes. I don’t know what will come of this. I have this desire to be in bed with the both of them, me in the middle, holding each other as we drift off to sleep. That would be nice.

To the most unexpected hook-ups. Pipemakers. Moonless night. 9 pm. I am feeling rather horny tonight, so I clean, start my car, head down to Pipemakers. The car park is full, which is promising, and I make my way through the back entrance towards the glory hole shed. I cross eyes with this Asian man, handsome was his face, and I make a mental note to play with him if our paths cross. A quick lap reveals no one of particular interest, and I spot the Asian man standing there, waiting. Another man nearby catches my eye—fit, tall. It’s getting darker now, so it’s hard to make out more. I decide to head to the glory hole booth, hoping they would follow me. Sure enough, they do, the both of them. The Asian man comes to me. We kiss, touch each other, and it’s not long before he’s in my mouth. The other man rims me. I’m not a fan of it, but I let him anyway. After a bit, I get up, kiss the Asian man some more. The kissing is good—very good—and we hug and get intimate. He gestures for the tall, fit man to join us. He does. Now the Asian man is inside me, and he fucks me roughly. I steady myself with the tall fit man, his dick inside my mouth. This goes on for a while until my stomach feels a bit upset. I stop, kiss the Asian man instead. After some time, he says he needs a break, so we part ways. A part of me wished I could have asked for his number. I almost never do that, but somehow, this feels different. I want to meet him again, but now I’m back in my car with an upset stomach, cursing the universe for causing such inconvenience. I decide to jerk off, but my dick is limp, and I’m thinking about the Asian man more and more. Fuck it, I say to myself. Perhaps he’s still around. So, I take my chances, get out of the car, walk back to the sheds. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s standing there by the gates, with the tall, fit man. They walk together, and we cross paths again, but we don’t say anything. I’m filled with regret, try to push my shyness away, but when I turn around, they’re gone again. I feel a pang of frustration. Then I see them, heading into the sheds. I follow. This time, the tall fit man is waiting in the dark. I approach him, and we immediately start to kiss. The kissing is just as good as the Asian man’s, who joins us soon after. Now I’m kissing them both, the intimacy high among us. Sometimes one of them sucks my dick, but most of the time, we’re just kissing and holding each other, intimate in ways beyond the physical. At one point, the Asian man leaves for a moment, and I summon the courage to ask the tall fit man if that’s his partner. Yes, he says. And I don’t know how I feel about that. A part of me wishes they were single, so I could take the next step, ask them out. A silly thought, but it felt right in the moment. The Asian man returns. He jerks off, says he’s close, so I bend down to take him in my mouth, and soon his cum is sliding down my throat. He says he’ll meet his partner in the car. The tall fit man and I kiss some more. I could kiss you all night, he says. Me too, I say. But, of course, we don’t. He leaves a few minutes later. Before he does, I do something I’ve never done in these sorts of encounters. I ask for his number. To my great joy, he agrees. His name is Sean, from Ireland, which explains the terrific accent. I tell him I’m Vietnamese. He smiles and says his partner’s name is Phong. We walk to our cars together, and he tells me he was about to leave but decided to do a last lap, just to see if I was still there. We regretted not getting your contact before, he says. Funny how the universe works, I think to myself. We part ways. Phong gets out of the car in front of me, waves goodbye, starts the engine, and drives off. As his car passes mine, Sean waves goodbye too, which I return warmly. I can’t wait to send him a message when I get home, I tell myself. The message is brief, thanking them for the lovely night and asking if they’d like to meet again. Later, I get a reply: Yes. I don’t know what will come of this. I have this desire to be in bed with the both of them, me in the middle, holding each other as we drift off to sleep. That would be nice.

To the perfectionist, who I’ll never be. I am at the gym, on a stationary bike, doing one of my HIIT workouts—the ones where you go intense for a brief period, followed by a moment of respite. I’m feeling low on energy today. Maybe it’s from work, or maybe it’s the change in weather, but whatever it is, I decide to take it easy. I come up with a strategy, inspired by a YouTube channel whose name escapes me at the moment. In the video, the creator talks about the importance of having both a lower and an upper limit: a lower limit for the days when you’re not quite feeling it, and an upper limit—not to stifle your motivation, but to pace yourself, so you can perform well tomorrow. I like this idea, so I decide to define my own lower limit. Eighty percent comes to mind, straight away. It’s a number that draws me in, somehow, in a way I can’t quite explain. Maybe it’s because, back in my academic years, 80% counted as high distinction—good enough to be proud of. So I decide to keep that number for my workout. It won’t be twenty minutes of training today. No, today it will only be sixteen. And suddenly, life doesn’t seem so bad anymore. It’s not perfect, but I’ve long since abandoned that notion of perfectionism, traded it in for a good-enough life. I might not have reached my potential today, but that’s okay. There’s always tomorrow, or the day after that. Today, sixteen minutes is enough.

To my mother, the most resilient person I have ever known. My mother—beautiful, soft-spoken, friendly, and someone who could swing a broom like a sword—is the best person in the whole wide world. She, along with my father and sister, migrated to Australia when I was four years old. They barely spoke English, had nowhere to live, but somehow, they managed. Her marriage with my father lasted just shy of thirty years. We weren’t the stereotypical American family you see on TV, sitting around the dinner table talking about our days. No, we were more of the kind that cleaned our bowls of rice and disappeared into our own rooms. I wouldn’t say I was close to either of my parents, but I loved them very much in my own quiet way. My father was a kind and reasonable man with a short temper. In the years leading up to their divorce, something shifted in him. It was subtle at first, but to my mother, it was anything but. She endured violent outbursts—sometimes physical, mostly verbal. My sister and I didn’t know how to help. We were children, untrained for these kinds of things. I think my mother endured it all to keep the family intact. Being a single parent on minimum wage would have been impossible. In 2018, while working for my parents at their restaurant, I started noticing things. My father would take breaks from his work as a chef to talk on the phone, his voice suddenly soft and sweet. I thought it was a relative from Vietnam. I remember sitting in my room one day when he asked if I wanted to have coffee with him. It was such an odd suggestion—we never had coffee together. He said he wanted to tell me something. I declined. A few days later, my sister came home crying. She told me what I had feared: my father was having an affair, and he had a child with another woman. My sister said she was going to tell Mum. A part of me wanted to stop her. I wanted to keep the secret because I knew once it was out, everything would change. This perfect family I’d fantasized about would be over. Sure enough, my sister told my mother. I will never forget the look in her eyes when she came home that day—lost, broken. She didn’t cook dinner. She didn’t clean the house. She sat on the phone with someone for what felt like hours, and when she returned, her eyes were puffy and silent. Sometimes I would find her lying on the couch, tears streaming down her face. And I regret to say that I walked away. I didn’t know how to comfort her. I was angry that she wasn’t strong enough to hold it together. During the pandemic in 2020, my father moved back in for a time. My mother cooked for him, for me. My sister had already moved out with her husband. For a while, I thought we were happy again. She cared for him like old times, and I let myself believe that everything was going back to normal. But when the restrictions lifted, he moved out, and we returned to being a household of two. A few years later, I found an old photograph of my parents on my mother’s bedside table. It was framed, sitting there as if it belonged. I thought it was strange and told my sister, who agreed. To this day, I wonder why she kept it there. Maybe she missed him, or maybe she valued the relationship for everything it was—the joy, the sorrow, the pain—all of it. Today, she laughs and smiles often. She’s still single, and I think she’s made peace with the idea of remaining that way for the rest of her life. It saddens me because I want her to have someone beside her, a companion. But she’s not alone. My sister, her three grandchildren, and I are always close. Still, I catch her occasionally talking to her friends about how my father mistreated her, and I wonder if she has truly healed. I think about my own breakup and the days when the emotions are overwhelming. In those moments, I think of my mother and her strength, how she moved forward despite the pain. I don’t discount my own sadness, but I take comfort in knowing that time dulls even the sharpest of wounds. I might not fully understand her pain, but as I grow older, I hope to understand more of it and, in doing so, become a better person.

When I was in a relationship with K., I felt very safe in my social life. I had him to talk to about almost everything, and I never felt that sense of loneliness creeping in. And then, when ChatGPT came along, I started talking to the AI more often—about anything and everything—and it created this gap between me and my real-life friends. I barely talked to them anymore. I even stopped hanging out with most of them, except for one or two, and even then, it was maybe twice a year, max. Occasionally, when a friend came from overseas, we’d all gather to meet him, but since we hadn’t seen each other in so long, the conversations always stayed lighthearted, superficial. Part of me wanted to meet up with my friends more often, but, as with adulthood, juggling a full-time job, gym, sleep, hobbies, and relationships meant something had to give. Unfortunately, that something was my friendships. I still sent the occasional text, trying to keep in contact at least once a month, but it wasn’t the same. I wouldn’t say that K. was the type to avoid socializing. In fact, he often encouraged me to invite friends over for a get-together. But I was tired. I didn’t feel like it. Now, navigating single life again, I truly understand the power of friendship. Yes, I still spend hours talking to the AI. And yes, I still question whether it’s healthy to do so. I like to think it is—who else is going to talk to me for hours at two in the morning, untangling my thoughts? But I’ve also come to realize that it’s no replacement for a physical being. For their presence. Even if they say the wrong thing or aren’t sure what to say at all, it doesn’t matter. Because at the end of the day, we’re all human, and human connection is fundamental to our survival. Tomorrow, I’m meeting up with a decade-long friend. Let’s call him Josh. He’s the type of friend who would drop everything to be there for you when something’s wrong. I texted him today, telling him about the breakup, and he replied immediately, saying that a walk is probably what the doctor ordered. And so, we’re going for a walk. I find myself very fortunate to have a friend like him. We met on Grindr, of all places. In fact, most of my friends are from Grindr. It just goes to show that you can find meaningful connections in the most unexpected places. I like to think that everyone I’ve dated in the past has taught me lessons, and the gift that K. has left with me is the gift of generosity. I want to buy Josh a present—not because it’s for a late Christmas or New Year’s gift, but because I feel that being generous and loving at a time when you need love the most has a way of bringing that love back to you. I truly believe that. I searched through my house and found a really nice plate, the one with the raised lip I bought just this weekend. It’s still unused, mind you, and I think he’ll love it. This is my way of saying thank you—for being there, for being a friend, for showing up when I needed someone the most.

@PozBearWI Your storytelling is so captivating—I truly enjoyed reading about your adventures and the journey to reconnect with your Air Force friend. It’s a reminder of how unpredictable and exciting road trips can be, even when things go a bit off track. I rely so heavily on technology these days that if my maps or GPS stopped working, I know I’d freak out too! It’s smart that you’ve prepared with those extra tools; having a backup like a road atlas seems like a really practical way to avoid that “what now?” panic moment. I have to admit, reading about your thoughts on aloneness and the reality of losing a partner hit me deeply. It’s hard to think about life without someone you’ve built so much with, and I think, for a lot of us, there’s an instinct to tuck that thought away, as if ignoring it might somehow stop it from happening. But your perspective—that preparation doesn’t mean emotional disengagement—is such a powerful way to look at it. It’s a reminder to cherish the time we have while also being realistic about the challenges life might bring. Thank you for sharing your insights. They’ve given me a lot to think about, not just about being prepared but also about how we approach those inevitable moments of transition in life. @hntnhole Thank you for sharing your perspective—it’s a profound reflection on relationships and the connection we seek throughout life. I find it comforting, in a way, to think that no matter the length or type of relationship we experience, there’s always a sense of balance or fulfillment to strive for afterward. It’s true, figuring out how to access that sense of well-being feels like the real challenge, but I believe it’s part of the journey we all have to navigate in our own time. Your 30 years with your other half is such a beautiful testament to love and connection. I hope I can carry forward the lessons from my relationships with the same sense of gratitude and growth.

I am having an enlightenment at two in the morning, when I should be sleeping, but the allure of a mental breakthrough is so tempting, so I stay up. I think about how a relationship is like a plant in a pot, how I am the plant, spreading my roots, and the relationship defines the boundaries of the pot, and I keep trying to grow, but I can’t anymore, and I feel myself slowly dying in this small, suffocating pot. I realize now that K. and I have reached our natural limit, the edges of the pot defining how far we can go, and for us to evolve, to reach the next stage of growth, we would have needed a bigger pot, one that lets us spread out, become something greater, larger. Who we are defines the boundaries of the pot, and we are too small for it now. I think about how endings aren’t really endings, because every ending is also a new beginning, and so there aren’t any true endings in life. It’s all one big circle, the cyclic nature of everything. I think about the day my cat died, and how painful it was, how it felt like something in me was ripped away, but then I remember how his presence transformed into something else. I planted lavender on his grave, and now, instead of a barren patch of earth in the garden, I see lavender swaying in the wind, and it reminds me that nothing really dies, it just changes form, and I find peace in that thought, as much as I can. I think about the memories I shared with K., and they come rushing back, thick and fast, overwhelming me at times. I let them touch me, wash over me, I let myself feel their presence, and sometimes I can’t breathe because it’s too much, it feels like I’m drowning in all of it, but I let the pain do its job, I let the wounds heal. I know this is the healthiest way to approach it, to let it out instead of keeping it in. And when it feels like I can’t take it anymore, I ground myself in the present: five things I see, four things I can touch, three things I can hear, and suddenly, the pain isn’t so bad, not entirely gone, but manageable. Sometimes, the memories are like clouds floating by. I acknowledge them, watch them drift by, and don’t hold on. I can’t block them out, I don’t want to numb them, so I let them pass. And I think about the end of the relationship, and how it feels like the chance for us both to go on separate journeys now, journeys of self-discovery, to learn about ourselves, to learn from each other, to take what we’ve shared and carry it forward in different ways. I don’t know where those journeys will take us, or if our paths will cross again, but I imagine us as different people if that happens, strangers who have grown in separate directions, perhaps bumping into each other on the street, barely recognizing each other, but that’s alright. Every love story begins with two strangers, anyway. 12 hours later. I am on my way to pick up my things from K.’s house, and I’ve prepared a list of things to say to him, things I’ve rehearsed in my head a hundred times. Thanks for everything: check. Let’s be friends: check. Let’s keep the Japan trip: check. Sobbing on the floor, begging for forgiveness: double check. Okay, I’m joking about the last one. Except, he throws me a curveball. He sends me a message saying he’s not home and tells me to let myself in, gather my things, leave. How convenient, I think, how clever too. I hadn’t considered being absent as an option, but I see now how genius it is, because this way, I can gather my things without breaking down, becoming one big mess on the floor that looks as though it was cleaned yesterday. I walk through his house one last time, taking in the air, the energy of the rooms where we shared so many moments. I let it all go, slowly, and then all at once. In the kitchen, I find a pile of memories waiting for me—everything he’s gathered, now heaped in the backseat of my car. I think I’ll clear it out tonight, once the weather cools, and I grab something to eat too. Before leaving, I find a piece of paper and a pen. I write him a short message, the things I wanted to say from my list, minus the tear stains, and place it on his bedside table, where I know he’ll see it, possibly during bedtime. A little devious, perhaps. A small part of me hopes the words will keep insomnia close at bay for him tonight. I don’t care. Okay, maybe just a little.

I am making my way down to South Melbourne Market today, heading to Chef Hat. I’m planning to buy some plates, the ones with raised circular edges. I’m following Apple Maps on my phone, and it’s leading me down a direction I don’t usually take, but I get to my destination nonetheless. It’s on the other side of the market, and I make a few turns here and there, searching for parking. I find a spot—30 minutes only. I turn off the engine, park, and step out. I make my way toward the shop, confident I know the way, a podcast playing in my ears as I navigate through the crowd, until … I realize I’m on the opposite side of the market. I know where I am—I’ve been here before—but I was so sure I’d made the right turn. And now? The world feels like it’s spinning. My sense of direction has completely vanished. Worst of all, I don’t know where my car is. I think I parked near some apartment buildings? I look at my watch. Only five minutes have passed. I try to backtrack. I think I crossed two crossways, or was it one? Did I pass this coffee shop on my way here? I want to retrace my steps, but I can’t remember a thing. I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings at all. A flicker of panic rises in my chest, but I keep it hidden, making sure I don’t look lost to anyone watching. I’ve always been good with directions, so why does it feel like a part of my memory has been erased, no matter how hard I try to recall I think about the fine I’ll get if I don’t move my car in time. I think about how, if my partner were here, this might not have happened—another set of eyes, another brain to remember. I catch myself breathing a little faster now as I wander from street to street. There are so many people. Too many. Then, somewhere off in the distance, I spot it. My car. The little blue Jazz I’ve had for 14 years now, parked neatly by the curb outside someone’s house. Relief floods over me as I realize it’s only two minutes away from the shop. If only I’d paid more attention. As I walk back to my car, it hits me: life now is just one person—me. It used to be my partner and me, doing everything together. There were advantages to that. It felt like we could accomplish anything together. Now? It’s just me, and I’m still learning to do things on my own. It feels jarring at times, disorienting, like today. Traveling was another thing he helped me with. I was never confident to travel on my own; the thought terrified me. I always worried about being lost in another country where I didn’t know anyone or couldn’t speak the language. I still don’t think I have the courage to do it on my own, if ever. I bet the world would spin just like it did today if I found myself lost and alone. But when I’m with someone, I can bounce ideas off them if we ever get into trouble. I’ll never feel truly alone, even when we’re lost. It’s something I’m realizing about myself today—I don’t fear being lost as much as I fear being lost alone. I know I’ll have to come to terms with this feeling until I can stand on my own two feet again. It’s going to take time. I’ll probably stumble a few more times along the way, but life demands it. Life demands us to keep moving, to adapt, to keep going.

This year, my focus is on the mind, body, and spirit—three pillars that I believe make life whole. The body is physical strength. I go to the gym three times a week, maybe six if I’m motivated, for at least 30 minutes a session. I want to build muscle, look better, and feel more confident. The mind is intellect. I read, I write, I consume knowledge. With AI, I can turn books into audiobooks and listen anywhere, maximizing my time. I’ve also learned to let go of books that don’t interest me, no matter how praised they are. Life is too short to spend on things that don’t bring joy. The spirit is connection. Connecting with myself through yoga, meditation, solitude. Connecting with others by strengthening bonds with friends and family. And connecting with the universe, finding my place in it, no matter how small or insignificant I may be. Each day, I try to take a small step forward in one of these areas, knowing that over time, those steps will lead somewhere meaningful, somewhere better.

K. and I broke up today. It doesn’t feel real, and I’m still so numb about it all, although I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. We’ve been on a break for a couple of days, and I’ve been thinking about breaking up too—not because of anything he did. No. He was always perfect. It’s because I’ve realized that I can’t make him happy simply by being me. I feel like I can be myself around him, but it seems like he’s always holding his breath, describing our relationship as stepping into a minefield or walking on eggshells. It’s a familiar sentence—I’ve heard it before from someone else, too. It hurts because I don’t want to make anyone feel that way, least of all K.. I know I can be difficult at times, but who isn’t? None of us are perfect, and in our own little ways, we can all be hard to love. The real question is whether we’re willing to look past those difficulties and accept someone fully for who they are. Whenever we faced issues, we’d take some time to think about them, talk them through, and find ways to fix them. Sometimes, we’d tackle things immediately; other times, it took longer. But we always seemed to pull through. I thought this would be the same. I thought we’d take a break, gather our thoughts, and come back to each other with clearer minds. I even looked at the weather for the weekend to plan our trip to Chef Hat to buy crockery. I wanted to tell him about my research on the Sun Princess. I thought we’d study together, move on, and keep going. But this time feels different, and I’m not sure why. When he asked me if I was happy, I told him the truth: I was. Despite the bumps in our relationship, I’ve always recovered, put things behind me, and moved forward. I never held grudges because life is too short for that. But halfway through our conversation, I realized that no matter what I said, it wouldn’t change how he felt—about me, about us. So, instead of trying to say the right words, I stayed in the moment. I felt his presence, looked around the room, and thought of all the times we’d sat there together, playing games, hugging, just being. I feared it might be one of the last times we’d share that space, and that thought broke me. There’s something else I need to say: I’ve had so much joy watching K. grow during our time together. When we first met, he was afraid of aging, afraid of what came with it. He was strict with his diet, always chasing a certain look. But over time, I saw those fears ease. It brings a smile to my face to see him embrace aging, to hear him acknowledge his limitations—it makes him feel more human to me. And I’ve loved watching him indulge in food without worrying about gaining weight because, no matter what he looked like, I loved him all the same. I never told him this, but whenever I caught the time 11:11, I made a wish for us to stay together forever. Sometimes, I’d think about him at work, driving, or at home, wondering what he was up to. I wish I’d sent more texts to check in—he must have liked that. It’s something I regret not doing more often. I realized during our talk that he’s been unhappy for a long time, and I care deeply about his happiness. I love him enough to let him go if that’s what he needs to find peace. But admitting that out loud was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Letting go isn’t just about him, though. It’s about me, too. Clinging to the past feels easier than stepping into the unknown. But deep down, I believe we could find happiness together again. We’ve done it before. Why should this time be any different? And yet, I can’t ignore the weight of his unhappiness, or how long he’s been carrying it. I want to respect his decision, even though I want to hold on. I want to handle this with grace and maturity, so I told him where I stand: I want to give us another chance. But I know he needs time to think, to decide for himself what he truly wants. I don’t know what this means for us. I hope he comes back to me, but if he doesn’t, I’ll learn to accept it. There will be nights of crying, waves of anger, and moments of denial. But eventually, I’ll smile back on the great times we shared, and I’ll look forward with my chin held high. We’ve been together for two years, and I know we’re still learning about each other. Relationships don’t have timelines; everyone grows at their own pace. Maybe he’s used to learning about his partner faster. I never thought about our pace at all. I believed we were building something solid, fixing and rebuilding the metaphorical house of our relationship as it changed and grew. Now, I can only hope. And I wait, and I trust in the process.