Toon

(early to mid 90's) My name is Banner. My dad was a comic book fan and named me after Bruce Banner - who was The Hulk's other identity. So I'm getting that out of the way now because I've had to explain my name a billion times. I guess Dad was more fun when I was born, but now he is all business and seems to think of nothing but money. He's working himself into an early heart attack. The other part of this story is my grandfather. He was a wealthy man who died when I was in first grade. He left me a trust fund that wouldn't kick in until I was 25. Dad was the custodian of the money and he held that over my head forever. It was conditional. He threatened to withhold every penny unless I graduated college and made something of myself. I also had to keep out of trouble. He didn't have to worry, really. I was a boring kid...AM a boring adult. The only exotic thing about me was my sexuality. I was gay. I kept it a secret. Sometime after I got my high school diploma, my dad had the idea to invest my funds. The housing market was going crazy and he decided he'd build me a house in Kansas City, MO. All I had to do was get a job there AND get married. He explained that it would be a big house and he didn't want me living alone near a big urban area. I just went along with it. I really didn't even care about the money. I was just waiting to not be boring. Why couldn't I rebel like my friend Mitch did? He smoked pot and got drunk and yelled at his parents. It seemed like a lot of wasted effort. I just went to the state college with two things in mind: 1. Make good grades so I could get a good job. 2. Meet a girl who didn't want sex. Well, all the college girls wanted sex. So did the college guys. I guess this would be a bust. I kept my head down and studied. I majored in advertising even though I just wanted to be a writer. I wrote stories and essays on a nifty little word processor. I had a knack for writing horror stories. I wrote fan letters to my favorite authors and a few answered back. Stephen King and Clive Barker both sent me nice little notes in their own handwriting. Wow. I never told anyone about my hobby. I didn't get less boring in college...in fact I sunk deeper into dullness. I try not to think about all the fun I could have had if I'd just lightened up a little. Whatever. By the time I was finishing my last year of education, my dad announced he'd already initiated construction of my future house. It was a fateful phone call. "It'll be great, Banner. It's in a growing suburb of Kansas City...on the Kansas side. It'll have three bedrooms, but don't feel in a hurry to have kids. Just get married and see how it goes from there." "I'm not sure I'll ever get married, Dad." "Oh you say that now. As soon as you get your nose out of the books and look around, you'll find all kinds of nice girls." Enough was enough. "I'm gay, Dad. I don't want to get married and I don't want any kids. Sell the house and keep the money for you and Mom. I don't care." He was silent for a minute. "You're young and don't know what you want. I can't talk about this now. Discuss it with your mother." Mom and I talked for almost an hour. She was very understanding. "I guess I always knew," she said. "I had to say something. Dad wasn't hearing me. I guess it means I'm not rich anymore." "He'll come around. Let me talk to him. After all, it's MY father's money and he wanted you to have it." "I don't care about the money. I never have. My graduation is May 20th. You don't have to come." "I'll be there." "But it's a long drive and I doubt there's any hotel rooms left that weekend." "No. You're my only child and you're graduating college. I'll sleep in the car if I have to." And then I had finals to get through. I was prepared. I'd already talked to some recruiters from ad agencies in Kansas City and Chicago. One of the guys who interviewed me was all excited about "The Internet". He wanted to get a jump on it because "The Web" was going to be big. I mentioned the stories I wrote on a computer and he was very interested. We talked about nothing but horror novels after that. He gave me his card and made me promise to call him. Kansas City. I think I'd been there once as a kid. Some amusement park maybe. I had vague memories of a roller coaster and some really good donuts. Both of my parents came to my graduation. It was supposed to be major, but the school was so big that we all just sat in the football stadium as the dean said a few words. It was over as soon as it began. I said my good-byes to a few friends and a few professors I'd always liked. Back at my apartment, Mom and Dad were waiting. Mom had a beer in her hand -- which I'd never seen in my life. Mom? Dad was silent and wouldn't look me in the eye. "Are you going to invite us in or what?" The first words he'd said to me since that call. Once inside, my dad looked around and sniffed the air. He was making sure I was keeping the place clean and not smoking. "This is not so bad. You keep it neat," Mom observed "Yeah. My lease is up in August. I think I have a shot at a job in Kansas City." Then my dad was interested. "How good a shot?" "I met the recruiter and he seemed to really want me." "Good. Well, your house is almost done. You can live there if you want. It's about 40 minutes from downtown. Just promise me you'll get a big dog for protection. The backyard will fenced in by August." Mom finished her beer and asked me if I wanted one. I guess they had a cooler in the car. I'd never ever seen my mother drink. Dad said he needed to gas up the car because they were driving back tonight. So my mom and I sat and had a beer. "I didn't even know you drank, Mom." "This is a special occasion, Banner. I've seen the house. It's nice. You'll like it." "Dad hates me." "No. He just wanted so much for you. He doesn't realize yet that you'll be fine." Fast forward to August 19th. I'd been in phone contact with the ad agency interested in me. It was almost a done deal. I moved into the house. It was big and empty. My meager possessions barely filled one room. The "suburb" was very unfinished. New houses were being constructed and streets were still being paved. I was practically on an island there. My first official interview wasn't for another week. I had electricity and a phone, but no cable. I'd write stories and then go for long walks around the area. Not all the streetlights were up yet. It got dark at the border, and you could really see the stars. I thought about stuff. I'd been lucky enough to have a life, but hadn't really lived one yet. Maybe that could change somehow. It was a hot Summer, but I still walked around when I couldn't write anymore. During the day, I saw a lot of construction workers out building the houses of my future neighbors. Most of them were well-built and Latino. I'd always tried to suppress my gay thoughts, but, what the hell? I looked. Some of them had their shirts off as they worked. Maybe I was just interested in the houses. There's no law against looking at construction, right? Maybe I should get a dog...it'd be something to do while I wandered aimlessly through this new ghost town. I had no idea where the pound was. I only knew a few fast food places near the freeway. "Hey!" a voice called. I had no clue which worker had shouted. A tall, shirtless black guy approached me with his hard hat on. "You lost or somethin'?" "Not exactly. I just moved in down the block." "505? That your blue car in the driveway?" "Yeah." "OK. Sorry. There's guys around who like to steal building supplies and equipment." I could smell the August heat on his skin. "No, I'm a writer with nothing to do for a few days. Thought I'd get some sun and explore the neighborhood." "A writer? Like books? Wait. Stay here. I gotta go get Luiz." He walked away and I stood there, realizing I'd just spoken my first words in two days. It's funny how odd your own voice can sound after a long period of silence. The guy came back with a big, bulky Mexican guy -- also shirtless and in a hard hat. Neither of them were much older than I was. "Who's this?," the handsome Latin man asked. "He's the new owner of 505. You know..." Luiz looked a little uncomfortable. "Oh. Yeah...I guess I knew this was coming. That's the place where me and Andre take our breaks. It has power, AC and a working fridge to keep our beer in. You didn't notice the almost full case of Natty Lite in there?" "No. I haven't even opened it yet." "So I guess you don't have a wife or nothin'?" "Nope. It's just me. When's your next break?" Andre stared at the ground while Luiz held my gaze. "In about an hour. Want us to come pick up the beer?" "If you want. Or you guys can come take your break like usual. I don't mind company.Want me to leave the door open?" Andre finally spoke again. "Nah. The locks around here are so easy to pick...make sure you get them all replaced." "Will do. I guess I'll see you guys in a little while." "Great. What's your name?" "Banner Lee." He didn't laugh or ask for an explanation or anything. They went back to the site and I headed home. It occurred to me to maybe go get some sandwiches or something, but I didn't feel like trying to go find any. What if I got lost and wasn't there when they came by? I just stayed put and waited around. Clocks. I needed clocks. There was so much I needed. This huge house started to seem ridiculous. I sure hoped I got that job...the utilities alone must be enormous. I looked in the refrigerator, and sure enough, there was a box of "Natural Light". I felt entitled to take one. It didn't taste good to me, but I drank it. Should I put on some music? No. These were hard-working men coming over for a break...not party guests. I took one more beer. Maybe it's because I've never had a drink, but I felt a little light-headed. a knock on the door "We're a little early. The concrete guy never showed. We're done for the day. Still want some company?" "Absolutely. Have a seat." He and Andre settled on my couch as I went to get us some beers. I came back and saw Andre taking off his work boots. Luiz stopped him. "Cabrone! This is someone's house now! Don't do that." "It's okay. I don't mind." "Sorry about him. We usually take our shoes off on breaks. These boots get so hot." Andre took his boots and socks off and stretched his bare feet on the carpet. "Thanks, man. Luiz would do it too, but I think he's embarrassed of his hooves. They are pretty damn ugly." "Shut the fuck up, man. Behave yourself." "It's fine. Go ahead and take them off, Luiz." "Maybe later." There was a spark in his eyes. "Mmm-hmmm. Go ahead and ask him, Luiz." "Ask me what?" "It's nothing. We were just curious why an unmarried kid with no kids is living in a big new house by himself. Andre thinks you won the lottery." "No. It's an investment of my dad's. I'm just living here while I try to get a job. If I won the lottery, we'd be watching a 90 inch flat-screen right now." "But you ain't got a soon-to-be bride or anything?" Andre seemed way too curious for some reason. "No. I'm gay." Did I really just say that out loud? I guess my days of hiding were over. The two of them exchanged quick looks. "Yeah. I kinda guessed that when I saw you watching us work. Don't worry. I'm cool with both of you." "Both?" "Shut up, Andre! Ignore this asshole, Banner. Who needs another?" Luiz got up to fetch some more brews. Andre was looking at me hard. Watching. Waiting. "So..." I had no idea how to navigate this conversation now. Luiz came back and re-beered us. "Well. We gonna get busy with him or what?" Andre seemed impatient. "You're so fucking crude!" "Yeah, whatever. I just came to get my fucking dick sucked. You two can do whatever you want after I leave," "I'm sorry, Banner. He gets horny after work and...well.. I Oddly, I was kneeling on the new carpet as he said that...like I was ready. I wanted Luiz to fix this and make it right. Instead, he just kicked back and nodded. What? I'd never sucked a dick before. How? Now? Andre took off his jeans and aimed his big black dick towards my face. It was way bigger than my own. And so hard. My own penis got erect too, but felt like flesh still. Andre's cock was just so solid and rigid. He just wanted to be sucked. And I tried. He was just too eager and kept thrusting in my mouth. I knew what he needed..and tried my best. I was excited and eager for this. "Shit! He's a natural, Luiz. How is it that guys are so much better at cocksucking than ladies?" I couldn't see Luiz with all the black pubes in my eyes, but I knew he was watching. Andre and I found a good pace where he was happy and I wasn't gagging. It was just and and out and it felt so right to me. I might have known he was about to cum if I'd done this before. He just pistoned his hips faster and a little deeper. "Fuck! I'm cumming. Swallow it, kid!" And then his dick expanded ever so slightly and hot sperm filled my mouth. I swallowed it down. He still had a tiny white drip at the ti of his dick as he pulled away and got dressed quickly. He drained his beer. "Damn. Now I'm not gonna have no load to give the ladies. Guess I'll stay in tonight and play video games. Later." Andre left and I was still stupidly kneeling on my floor, feeling stunned. Luiz didn't seem the least bit phased about what had just happened. He was casually finishing his beer. "Did you like that, Banner?" "I..I did. That was the first time for me. I'm a little confused I guess." "It's okay. I remember the first time I sucked a dick. Go rinse your mouth out and grab another beer. The taste of cum goes away." I chugged some water and then spit it out. The beer helped. "Come sit with me." I went back and joined Luiz on the couch. "So you've given blow jobs before?" "Yeah...since I was 16. One of my cousins. I like getting them more than giving them." "So, you're gay?" "Oh yeah. I thought you knew. I knew you were the minute I saw you because you're too cute." "I'm not cute...and I can't tell anything about people just from looking at them. But if Andre likes to be sucked, why doesn't he let you do it?" "I'm dirty. I'm infected. You know what I'm talking about, right?" I did. This was a crazy day. "You and Andre are the only people on this planet who know. And my doctor. He keeps telling me there are better drugs coming, but I'm not counting on it. Hurry and finish you beer and I'll go get us two more." So much to think about. I was somewhat dizzy. Luiz sat down next to me and flexed his toes a little, "So what did you like about sucking dick?" Pause. "It felt right. Like something I was going to do eventually -- if that makes sense." "Totally." "I liked knowing how much HE liked it. I also liked when he put his fingers in my hair. I sound stupid." "No. Not at all. You probably needed some touch. Like this." He put his big brown hand on to of my head and started petting me like a dog. "I'll suck your dick too." His face brightened a little. "No. No. You are young, healthy and have your life ahead of you. I'm not giving you this burden." "Maybe we can just try it just a little." "Bad idea. I can't stop once I get started, But...we can do other things." "OK." I knew this was like playing with fire. "You can jack me off a little. How about that?" "Let's do it." He took off his shirt and jeans. A wave of clean sweat smell washed over me. So nice. His nice, uncut cock was already hard. As was mine. I got undressed too, aware of how puny my frame was next to his broad, solid body. "Nice, Banner. You are so white, though. Swedish?" "Irish mostly." "Touch my dick, man. Just don't get any ideas about sucking it." I knelt between his legs and started stroking the thick shaft. Turns out I was good at this too. He kept pulling me closer between his knees. He was breathing fast and rolled his head back. I guess it was only natural that I would have to kiss the tip of his dick. "No. Well...just kiss it. No sucking." I had other ideas. I needed to suck this meat. And I did. I moved up and down it like a hungry slut (which I probably was). I thought he'd protest a little, but he just kept guiding my head down. He was bucking and moaning. I didn't actually care about his HIV at the moment...if he wanted to come, I'd sure as fuck let him. Then he pushed me away. "I can't come in your mouth. You don't want that." "What if I do, Luiz?" "Then you're stupid." There was already clear fluid leaking out of his pee hole. "Probably I am, but I still want your semen inside of me." He sighed, but kept stroking his penis. "I want that too. I warned you already that I couldn't stop once I started. If you really want to go the distance, we will. Get on all fours like a dog. Show me your skinny, white ass." I did as I was told, and he got down on the floor with me. I knew he was going to insert his fat organ inside of my butt. I also knew it would hurt. He spit on his dick and just shoved it in. I thought I might scream, but it just came out as "NNNGGG" "No going back from here. Nobody's around to hear if you cry for help. Try to relax and open a little for me. I need to get in there, but your ass is fighting me." I didn't know how to do what he was requesting, but I tried to at least relax my mind. He was almost all the way in me and I was sure there was no farther he could go. Then he pulled out a little and plunged right back in. Damn! Is this what women felt like when their cherry was popped? Is it what my mom felt when my stupid dad mounted her? He started speaking in Spanish and moving faster. I could feel his heartbeat inside my body. "Here you go! You're getting my cum!" He held my hips hard and bred me like a bull in heat. Then he was done. I had already had an orgasm at some point. And it was over. We showered together and took a nap in my bed. I was no longer an amateur and no longer hiding.

(a few years ago) I don't know what it is about my personality or my 'aura', but I've always attracted friends who had fucked up childhoods and/or substance abuse issues. It started in high school when two of my closest friends had a parent that committed suicide. College brought new friends who were molested as kids, were speed freaks or had been in jail. There's nothing tragic about me...I had a normal family and a normal life...except that I was gay. I buried it pretty deep inside, and tried not to even think about it. I considered myself to be pretty boring. I never did anything exciting, and maybe that's tragic in and of itself. I moved to a new city for a job that was something I really wanted to do, but it didn't pay all that great. I moved into an apartment complex that was in a somewhat 'iffy' part of town. It was two levels built into a box shape with a courtyard in the middle. It was cheap and not dirty. That's all I wanted. Wouldn't you know that I met a new misfit the day I moved in. He had the unit right next to mine, and introduced himself immediately. Andy. He looked fairly normal, but there was a touch of insanity in his eyes. I would have guessed he was in the military, judging by his solid build and extremely short haircut. He was around 6'3" and clean-shaven. Cute and around my age. I didn't have a "type", but I did think he'd be the kind of man I'd be interested in. He helped me move my stuff in. And I somehow knew he was crazy. "Just a word of warning: This side gets pretty bright sun in the morning. Keep your blinds closed if you want to sleep late." "Oh, okay. I usually get up early though." "Yeah. Me too. I do maintenance here. It's not great money, but I don't have to pay rent. If you ever lock yourself out or your toilet clogs, don't go to the manager -- just come by or call me. Got your phone on you? I'll give you my number." So I guess he wasn't in the military then. I settled in and arranged what little furniture I had. It wasn't even 24 hours later that my refrigerator stopped running. Ugh. At least there were only some diet Cokes in there. I called Andy and he came over in twenty minutes. He was in shorts and sandals ---- not what I'd think a maintenance worker would wear on the job. "Well, it must be minor because most of the fridges around here are new. It might be your outlet. Give me a few minutes to look." He moved the fridge out from the wall and went looking in the back. I never knew what to do while a repairman was in your home. Do you stand there or leave them alone to do their job? I decided to go watch TV. "Shout if you need anything." As soon as I said that, he said "Done. It's fixed." "You're kidding." "Nope. The plug had just slipped out of the wall socket. It happens sometimes if the power's been off for awhile and suddenly starts back up." I felt stupid. I should have checked that on my own. "Well, sorry for making you come over for an unplugged refrigerator." "No problem, my friend. You got me away from painting and I needed a break. Mind if I hang out here for a little?" "Not at all? Want a Coke?" "Got any beer?" I didn't, so he invited me over to his place next door. He didn't have much more furniture than I did, but it was nice. Great TV and stereo. I sat on the couch and he brought me a beer. I normally never drink at all, but it seemed like there was no way I could say 'no'. "Your TV is huge, Andy. Is it HD?" "Of course. Why? Did you want to watch something? I thought we could just talk." "Oh yeah. Sure." I swallowed more beer. It was way better than the last time I tried it in school. He settled down next to me and kicked off his sandals. "So you're gay, right?" What? I'd only met him twice and had fewer than ten sentences to him. How did he know? "Well...." "Sorry. That was rude. I just kind of see things, you know?" "Like what?" "The very first time I saw you, you were bursting with secrets. You've got those eyes that say there's more there." "Okay. And, yeah. I'm gay. I've just never told anyone." "I understand. I'm gay too. I also have HIV...ever since I was sixteen." "You look healthy to me." "I'm on some good meds now. AIDS is practically curable at this point." "Oh. Good. Are there side effects?" "Some. Nothing like there used to be with the old drugs. I'm a slut. Never had a boyfriend -- just hook-ups. There's, like, five gay bars and a bath house within ten blocks of us. I'll show you around. We can go tonight if you want. It's Saturday." "Ummm...I don't think..." "You've never done anything with a guy, have you?" "No. Not ever." I didn't look at him as I talked. "I guess I always thought it would go away. I come from a very conservative area." "Ugh. That term 'conservative'. It just means 'we all agree to hate the same people'." "You're exactly right. Wow." "It's no problem, dude. Probably too early to just bring you to the gay scene on a weekend. How about if I just introduce you to a few friends of mine --- ease you into this." "Sure. Thanks." "Cool. Well, I gotta get back to painting door frames. Call me anytime." He put his flip-flops on and showed me out. I spent the next few hours alone in my apartment, thinking. This gayness wouldn't go away. It was who I was and I needed to stop hating it. "I give up! You win!"I said to an empty living room. And I quit fighting. Andy called at 10 the next morning. "Let's go get breakfast. I know you don't have any food over there. I know a good lace and my friend Zach will be there." "Sure. Give me ten minutes. and I'll come over." Panic. How do you dress for breakfast with two gay guys? I wore some of nicest 'casual' clothes and even put on a little cologne at the last second. Then I went next door. "Good morning! Wow. You look nice...I could eat you up with a spoon. And you smell good too. Mmm." He nuzzled my neck and smelled. He was wearing more or less what he was wearing yesterday. His pickup was one of those tall ones that you had to climb in. "So how do you know Zach?" "He's one of my friends. He's HIV+ as well, but you don't know that yet. Sometimes he talks about it nonstop and sometimes he doesn't. He's always changing moods. He might be dressed better than you or worse than me." "I'll be cool." The funky little diner was full of the brunch crowd. Andy looked around and spotted his buddy. Zach was probably in his late 30's and had thinning blonde hair. He had a friendly face as he stood and greeted us. "Who's this, Andy?" "My new neighbor. Tommy. He just moved to town and I'm showing him around." "Well, he has to come to the beer bust with us. Hello, young man. Sit, sit." I shook his hand and felt him mentally read me. Andy and I sat across from him and I just studied the menu. "Probably not going to the beer bust, Zach. Tommy has never been out....anywhere. I don't think unlimited beer in a room full of horny dudes is the right environment to bring him to." I was intrigued. "No. It's fine. I'll go. When does it start?" Andy pushed his knee into mine as some sort of silent signal. "Oh, honey. It's already started. It goes on all day. Our whole group is already there. Eat a big meal to prepare your stomach for this." I suddenly realized I hadn't eaten a decent meal in two days. Just snacks and diet Coke. The food wasn't great, but it was filling. Andy aid the bill and told Zach that we'd be there in an hour. Out in the hot noon air, I suddenly felt so full and so sleepy. "Thanks for breakfast, Andy. Next time it's on me." "We don't have to go to this. We can just watch TV and snooze a little. When do you start your new job?" "Not until Thursday. I just need some coffee or a Red Bull first." "Okay. As you wish. I got something better than coffee, though. Take this." He gave me a tiny pill and I swallowed it without thinking too much. I trusted this guy. By the time we got back to the apartment complex, I was feeling nervous and maybe a little hyper. "I just need to pee and then we can go." I felt like my hair was trying to crawl off of my head. Weird. I went to my apartment and got ready while Andy waited outside. "Last warning. You don't have to do this." "Let's go." "Okay. It's ten dollars at the door and they give you a wristband. Then you can drink all the beer you can as long as you can. I'll stick close to you. My friends are cool. You're safe with us around you." We got to a huge bar called "South Paw". It didn't look much different on the outside than any other tavern I'd ever seen. This would be fine. Andy payed our way in and I wore the flimsy little band on my right wrist. The sights and sounds were so intense. I felt Andy grab my hand. His instinct for what I was feeling was starting to amaze me. He led me out a door in the back where there was a patio. "My little group of pals is mostly made up of smokers. You can only smoke on the patio. There they are." His group was composed of different sizes and ages of men, but they all had the same type of military haircut as Andy. Was this a thing now? Was it fashionable all the sudden? I wondered if they were secretly skinheads -- except one two of them were of mixed race. Andy introduced them all. Mark, Rick, Tony, etc. I was bad at remembering names even in the best of circumstances. "Hi. Nice to meet you." One of them grinned broadly. "Andy, is he a new member of our club?" "NO. This is Tom, and he's new to town. Be nice and don't scare him." "You can call me Tommy," I added. "Yeah. Tommy suits you better -- you look like a kid. Want a cigarette, Tommy?" Suddenly I did. I'd never liked the smell of smoke before, but it seemed like a good way to bond with the group. "Thanks." Andy kept me close as we sat down and joined the party. "Jesus, Andy...go get the kid a beer already." He obeyed because obviously this guy was "the leader" I guess. Once I was alone with this group, I decided to ask about the haircuts. I was just so curious. One guy who hadn't spoken yet answered with "It's part of being in the club. It's a rule we all follow...except for Zach." "I don't have much hair left, asshole. I already explained that I'm not shaving what little I have. Besides, I have tenure. I'm above 400,000 now." The others nodded and started trading numbers. 300k, 250k, etc. I figured out they were talking about HIV. They all had it. I thought that the new drugs lowered the viral amounts to almost zero. Guess I needed to read more. Andy came back and handed me a plastic cup of beer. "What have you been telling him?" "He asked about the haircuts." "Oh," Andy looked a tad bit worried. "It's our thing. Easy to recognize each other in a crowd." "I get it. Thanks for the beer. It's not very cold, though." "That's why it's so cheap, boy. Don't worry. You won't notice after we do some shots," Zach assured. "Shots? Like a shot of something, like drugs?" I felt stupid as they all laughed. "No. Whiskey. Mark is a diabetic and they him bring a bag in with his needles and shit. He always packs a fifth of JD in there. Shots here are four bucks a piece." The big, mixed-race guy pulled out his bottle and we all took discreet sips. Andy put his hand on my leg and whispered in my ear. "You can just pretend to drink it if you want." But I liked the foul, burning taste...it went well with the smoke I was inhaling. And I was relaxing a bit. I didn't even care that I was surrounded by poz guys... who seemed to take pride in their virus. Andy took medication so he couldn't be like that. Right? "Is there a cigarette machine here?" I wanted another one. "Yeah, but it's always out of order. Here." Zach handed me one and lit it for me. The light changed and it got later. Andy seemed to want me to leave with him and go someplace else, but I was happy here. We stayed and drank more beer and shots. By the time it was almost dusk, the place got crowded and the music got louder. I needed to pee. Andy escorted me to the restroom and stood by the door while I went. So many men! I hadn't even taken time to check them out. Wasn't this what it was about? They all looked fuck-able to me. Dicks and beards and tight jeans and big boots. When I finished, I walked out and got mashed by the crowd. Somebody grabbed my ass. I couldn't find Andy as I was moved out towards the dance floor. Where was the patio? I was lost. I got pushed up against the wall by Mark the diabetic smuggler. He towered over me and leaned in close. "You lost, Tommy?" "Sort of. I'm trying to find Andy." "Why? You think he's trying to find YOU??. You in love with him or something? Andy doesn't have boyfriends." "I know. But he's my ride home." "I'll give you a ride, little boy. Feel this." He rubbed his hard crotch against my stomach. "Touch it if you want. It's the biggest one here...big enough to make you a club member for life." As rude as this all was, I kind of wanted to touch him down there. I felt my own dick get hard. I reached toward the fly of his pants just as Andy appeared. "Back the fuck off, Mark. Tom and I are leaving now." He grabbed my hand and was leading me away. "How 'bout a little respect, dude. Remember I'm the only guy with the syringes." "Ignore him. Let's go." Once we were back out on the street, Andy seemed to be angry. With Mark? With me? "What's wrong?" "I should not have brought you here. You aren't ready and I thought my friends would be nicer. I need a smoke." "You?" "Yeah. I smoke, Tommy. I just didn't want to do it in front of you for some reason. I wanted you to think more of me." "Why? You saw me smoke." "You don't know what you're doing. This was too fast. Let's share a smoke and go home." We sat on the curb and shared a cig from the pack he'd had with him the whole time. I suddenly didn't want one anymore. We drove home in mostly silence when Andy finally asked, "What he do to you? What did he say?" "He rubbed his groin on me and said he could get me into your club. He also said not to fall in love with you because you don't have boyfriends. What's the deal with your club, Andy?"' "I'll fill you in later. That dumb fuck. I hate him, but he's sometimes a good guy. Sometimes." We got back to the apartment complex, and I wanted to invite Andy in, but he was still mad and distracted. I just went to bed with an upset stomach. I slept like a rock and didn't wake u until that morning sun snaked it's way around the blinds. My mouth tasted horrible. I was in the middle of my shower when Andy knocked at my door. I was still wet and wearing only a towel around my waist when I answered. "Oops. Sorry. I should have called first. I brought McDonald's breakfast since we never had dinner last night. Get dressed and I'll set everything up." I came back it in a t-shirt and shorts. Andy had already taken his flip-flops off and was setting paper plates of fast food breakfast on my little coffee table. I let him ick out something to watch since I didn't even know the channels in this area. We settled on some 70's movie about spies or something. "Thanks for this." "No problem. Mark called me last night. He wanted to apologize to both of us. It's all cool now." "Tell me about your club, Andy. Not later. NOW." He wiped his mouth, leaned back and closed his eyes. "This is too much information, buddy. But I guess I'll have to tell you eventually." "I'm not all that shock-able. I've heard everything." "Okay. Just...just don't avoid me after I tell you. I like you and we're neighbors. Promise? Promise you'll still like me?" "Yes." "Well...you probably already know we're all HIV+. And we all know each other from all the fucking we've done around town. We all started taking meds about the same time. And then we quit medicating." "What? Why?" "I don't know if I can explain it exactly. It all got too safe and too boring. We were all sitting around Zach's place one night and decided that, together, we could develop a mutant strain of HIV that couldn't be controlled by a drug company. It started as a fantasy. Then we got serious about it. It was exciting. We all flushed our pills at the same time. We fucked each other and others with no hesitation." "Wow, Andy. I don't want you to be sick." "I know you don't. But I haven't told you the worst. Mark let's us use his syringes to draw our blood and inject each other. He sometimes does it to strangers, but I swear to you that I haven't. And over the past year, we started competing. Everybody wants the highest viral count. Mine is now just a hair over 300,000. Zach's is the highest...he's almost full-blown. Mark is u there too. Tell me what you're thinking, Tommy." "I...uh...I want you to stop this. I like you and I want to be your boyfriend, but not if you're hell-bent on destroying yourself. There you go." "I've never seen your face without all the secrets hiding it. Can I kiss you?" We kissed and I felt electricity in every atom in my body. We made out on the couch and it almost felt like it would go further, but it didn't. Andy left with a big boner in his shorts and said he'd see me later. The next afternoon Mike came by. "Break time! Come out and have a smoke with me. It's so nice outside." We went and sat on the steps.He smoked, but I didn't. "What are you doing today, Andy?" "Trimming bushes. It's messy, but not that hard. Want to come down and keep me company?" Of course I did. He was cutting and trimming while I just sat om the grass and watched. I knew that I loved him. It was a fact. "Hey -- I thought maintenance guys always wore work boots. Why are you in sandals?" "They make those boots in my size...14, but they don't make 'em wide enough. I inherited my dad's wide, flat feet." "Oh. Sorry if I ask too many questions." "No. Ask anything." "Were you molested as a kid?" I already knew the answer. "Oh, yeah. Brothers, uncles, neighbor kids. I got taller and bigger and decided to do some molesting of my own. I was a bad seed. Why did you ask that?" "I've known a lot of people who went through bad shit. I had a collection of damaged friends." "They were drawn to you, Tommy. You're stable. Or maybe they saw those invisible walls you had been building and wanted to hide behind them too. With you." Yep. I loved him. "What are your goals?" "Seriously? You haven't started your job yet and already you're asking corporate questions. My goals are always changing. At the moment, I just want to be happy. What about you?" "I want to have a better life than I ever imagined. I don't mean being rich in a mansion. I just want to be satisfied." "Well put. 'Satisfied' is a good goal. I have to mow now. Can I drop by after I'm done?" "Sure. Watch your toes." He laughed and left me alone. I watched him walk toward the shed. He was beautiful. His butt and legs and strong back. I sat in my apartment and tried to memorize the TV channels. I ended up on one of the public access stations and watched one of those high school quiz shows. I was on a quiz bowl team back in the day, but was never on TV. I sat and was absorbed for a good hour when my Andy came by. "Done already?" "Yeah. There's not much grass here. What the hell are you watching? Game shows? Come over and have a beer with me. You're gonna be a working boy soon -- we need to party now." His apartment smelled like him and I felt my dick rise. He instantly took off his sandals and his t-shirt. "It's getting warmer out there now. I can turn on the AC if you want." "I'm fine, but turn it on if you need it." He handed me a cold can of beer and we settled on the couch. "Nah. I'm good now. How 'bout if I play some music. Ever heard of Matthew Sweet? He's a goddamn genius. There's a few songs I want you to hear." "Cool." He fiddled around with his stereo, and then the great music started. It was rock, but not harsh or heavy. This Matthew guy had a decent voice and sounded like his heart was breaking. I picked out a few lyrics... "Don't you need somebody to love?" "I want to be your boyfriend." It was just so dreamy. I forgot about his club and his disease. He put his arm around me, and I could smell his new sweat and cut grass. This time I kissed him first...and let my hands wander around his bare chest. His nipples were hard and sharp and perfect. I knew some things. I knew I wanted to have sex with him...and I knew I wanted him to give me his raw dick. He'd always been able to read my mind --- maybe he could now. "Andy...I..." "Shh. I know. Let's go to my bed. I should probably take a shower first." "Not now. Please?" "As you wish, Tommy." We both got entirely naked and wrestled around on top of his comforter. It was heaven. There was so much I wanted to do with him and so much I wanted him to do with me, but I was too afraid to make the first move. I think he knew that. How could he read my mind so easily? He got over me and positioned his big dick right over my face. I wasted no time. I took as much as I could..and a little more. He liked it. He did some push-ups on my face. A poz cock was going in and out of my mouth, but it belonged to a man I loved. "OK. I need you to know that I love having my ass licked. I like it almost as much as I like fucking. Can you do it for me, please?" "Sit down." He plopped his butt on top of my face and sat down hard. I wasn't sure how to go from here. I just stuck my tongue in his hole. Everything was new. I must have done a good job because he moaned and started sliding u and down my face with the heels of his feet dug into the side of my head. Funny how his asshole tasted like mowed grass too. I just wanted to please him. My Andy. He was starting to sweat more. "You've done it now, neighbor. I'm going to have to fuck you." He was reading my mind again. I could breathe again. "Yes. I want this." He was working his dick furiously. "I'll try to make it quick. You're not ready for a long session. Just hold on as best you can." I was talking to him with my mind. Yes, I want you. I want your cum and all the things in it. He lifted my legs up and rested my ankles on his shoulders. It was happening. He pressed that fat head against my ass. I was ready. He got in and I yelled. Loud. It felt like he was breaking me. He put a wide hand over my mouth. It smelled like grass too. He didn't stop, just kept going in harder and deeper. I can't say it felt good, physically. But my mind loved it. He was becoming a part of me now. He knew what I was thinking and quickened his pace. And came. In me. Naked as the day he was born. I held him so tight. So tight. His dirty sperm was now tainting my system. It would be OK. I spent the night in his bed. Cum and blood were everywhere. It was fine. I had unworried dreams. I guess I was in the club now. Now we're a couple. Dating and calling ourselves 'boyfriends'. We are bonded so tightly. I tried to get him to teach me his mind-reading abilities, but he claims it only works on me. I tested HIV+ a few months later. I went on meds and so did Andy. I have no idea what happened to the club. I guess we got each other banned from that group. Gay marriage is legal now and I wanted to propose to him, but of course he beat me to the punch. I'm wearing the ring now as I type this.

1993 First thing to know about me is that I've never been anywhere or done anything. I grew up in a very isolated area, though the college I went to was in a somewhat urban place, I never ventured out much. I was also a paranoid driver: traffic scared me and I also had no real sense of direction, consequently I often found myself lost. I had to adjust quickly because I relocated to a big city after graduation. I had not yet found a job, but hoped to get hired by a local company. It was summer and I had nothing to do all day (or night). Ever since that last year of college, my sleep patterns were so screwed up that I didn't ever feel truly awake until after sunset. I watched a lot of TV and then I'd go driving around after 2 or 3 AM, which helped me in acquainting myself with the city in finding gas stations and grocery stores. That hour of the night was traffic-free, which meant I could study the street names and businesses, so over the days I built a small map of the city in my head. Around 3 or 4 in the morning, the city became a different place. Different people were starting their day...pushing metal racks of bread or fixing hydrants. And hookers and hustlers were out looking to make a buck. I didn't know much, but I knew that a half-dressed male or female just standing downtown were selling their bodies. I especially noticed the males, especially because it was hot, even at night, and not surprisingly most of the male hustlers were shirtless and in shorts. In addition, several of them were quite muscular. One guy really caught my eye. He was loitering around in front of what I assumed was an adult bookstore. His dark curly hair hung down to his shoulders....and his torso was fantastic, giving the impression he was advertising for some muscle supplement. Standing there in his tiny jean shorts, t-shirt rucked in his back pocket - well, I wanted him, but I found myself wondering what was a "customer" supposed to do? Did I park and walk to him..or honk? I had no idea. I just went home and thought about the night. In college, I had a gay friend. We spotted each other the very first day we moved into the dorm. No, we never hooked up -- we were not matches for each other. I was quiet and guarded while he was flamboyant and obvious. Tony. He was my source of gay sex information. H e went out with men and had anonymous sex in the park. I always wanted to put on extra clothes when he told me his adventures. We stayed friends because he liked weird foreign movies and obscure books. We were very different, but there was a bond between us. After graduation, I moved away while he stayed to shack up with some grad student he'd met. I phoned him regularly, and couldn't wait to ask him about male hookers. "Well, yeah. You're in the big city now. Don't get too fascinated with hustlers, Mike. You're too new to everything ... you're like a pre-teen now. I won't have you get mixed up with that world." "Why not?" "Ugghhh. You're infuriating! Why are you so curious? Is there a really hot guy working the streets that you want?" "No. Well, yeah. He's really gorgeous...and is in shape. Looks healthy to me." "You're smart enough to know that HIV is really good at hide and seek. I honestly want to strangle you right now. He might look like a GQ model, but that doesn't mean a damn thing. OK. I can tell you want to explore this. Just leave your wallet at home, don't take anything he offers you...like pills or a drink or anything smoke-able. And don't kiss him!" "What? Why can't I kiss him?" "Because there's a good chance he'll already have cum in his mouth! Along with every oral STD known to modern medicine." "Oh." "And they smell bad. Hell, this hot guy you are mesmerized by most likely has a drug habit and couldn't get a hard-on anyway." "But --- But how do you do the whole thing? Do you walk up to them or drive by or honk?" "Nope. Not telling you anything else. If you are dumb enough to try this, then I want no part in helping you." "Okay, okay. How's Arthur?" "Him? I've moved on. He sleeps with socks on and is losing his hair. I work at that vintage record store we always went to. The manager and I are dating now." "As long as you're happy, Tony." "Don't suddenly play nice, little boy. I'm very mad at you right now." "I know. I know. I'll call you later." "Whatever." (click) Dang. I'd always thought of Tony as frivolous and carefree when it came to sex, but he really seemed concerned that I stay safe. But he'd already felt and tasted dicks while I never had. I was a goddamn 22 year old virgin who was getting desperate. I at least wanted to try this. I at least wanted to stop being so alone. It was a Thursday night in early August, but not late enough yet. I wouldn't dare go out before 1 AM. How did you dress before picking up a sex worker? I decided on a pair of blue shorts and a Go-Go's concert T-shirt. Cologne? Maybe just a little. I had so much time to kill. I had a beer, but wondered if I should save this sixer in case I brought my hustler home. Nah. That wouldn't happen. I drank and watched some old VHS tapes. I could always get lost in a movie no matter what else was going on in the world. "Grease" was what I decided to put in. It's long and I love the songs. It was 1:45 before I realized. I'd consumed half the beers already. I guess it was now or never. Ever been so excited that one of your legs shakes uncontrollably? It used to happen to me before tests or when I was in trouble for something. I thought of Tony and felt guilty. But I drove to the sex street with the radio on at a low volume. Of course HE was there. Of course. I prayed he would be while also maybe hoping he wouldn't. He was at the usual spot near the xxx bookstore. Well, hell, I could just go in there and be a regular customer --- looking for titty magazines. If I happened to make eye contact with him, then so be it. Perfect. I parked n the street and waited for my leg to settle down. Then I was five feet away from this man. He was looking out toward the street, but glanced my way and smiled. He wasn't as cute close-up as I'd imagined. His bulge was still pretty big, though. "Looking for a date?" "Me? I...uh...I don't know. Just going to do some shopping. For now." "Enjoy. I'm Rick, by the way." He walked u and shook my hand. His teeth were kind of messed up and the skin on his hand was rough and crusty. He also wasn't wearing any shoes. He'd taken off his flip-flops and was just standing on the dirty sidewalk in his bare feet. Weird. He also had sores or scabs or something on his legs. I looked him over...and I guess I showed my cards. He knew what I was and what I wanted. "I'm Mike. Have a good evening," he smirked. Once inside, I was too overwhelmed with the bright light and weirdness that I barely remembered to kick myself for not talking to him more. The store was insane. Many, many rubber dongs in plastic wrap. And machines and devices I couldn't imagine how to use...or which gender used them. The magazine selection was massive, as was the movie selection. There were saloon doors leading to another room, where I guess the little video booths were. Not ready for that. It was all too much. I felt like I had to buy something. Toward the front there were packs of condoms. I purchased one of those with one of the twenties I'd put in my front pocket. The heavily-pierced cashier threw in a few free lube samples. Okay. I could go home and beat off with this stuff. It never would have occurred to me that 'Rick' would still be there. "Done already? Not a fan of the arcade, huh?" Arcade? Like video games? No. I figured out he meant the videos you payed a quarter to see. I already knew what those were. "No. Not my style." "Yeah. I guess you aren't. B ut you're definitely a Night Owl. I know I've seen your car around this time of night for a few weeks." "Oh...yeah.. I don't sleep much lately." "I got something that will give you sweet dreams." Shit! I couldn't just cut and run now. "I'd pay good money for sweet dreams. How much would the dreams cost?" "Not much. Twenty? You got a twenty?" "I do." "Excellent. It's a Thursday Special -- tonight only. There's a vacant lot right behind this building. Park right up here along eighth street and meet me there. There's some construction stuff right under a streetlight. I'll be waiting." I didn't know the exact time because I didn't have a watch on. It's a nice watch I got it as a graduation present...and I left it at home. I did however bring my wallet. Once I got in the car, though, I shoved it in the glove compartment. I was nervous down to my bone marrow and wished I'd had at least one more beer before leaving. I controlled myself enough to pull my car out and drive to where I was told. It got very yuppie and residential along this street. There was indeed a vacant lot behind the adult store but it was dark. I think they were going to build something here, but for now it was nothing but rubble and dirt and machinery. I saw the streetlight, but it seemed defenseless in this muggy night sky. Voices. Laughter. Oh shit. Was I being set up? I held back a little, waited. I peeked over a giant hunk of concrete and saw seven or eight guys standing in the light. And something else was going on. There was something happening that I couldn't see. I moved closer and hid behind the wheel of a dozer or tractor or something. It was a gang bang! I knew that term from Tony, who had taken part in one. Voluntarily. Was this what was happening?? Really?? I dared to get closer. I saw a gang of guys watching another bare-assed guy fucking Rick. They all just stood and drank from bottles and watched. WATCHED! I guess the guy was done because he got up and pulled his shorts back on. One of the others got down and started in on Rick's ass. He barely took his pants down...just started pumping fast and furious. Glad I didn't get here earlier... I could be raped as well. The second either came or just got off the hustler because one of the others wanted his turn. I should just leave now, call Tony tomorrow and tell him I was an idiot. OK. I got up to leave and felt a huge, heavy hand on my shoulder. Trapped. "Don't leave just yet, little friend. Rick promised us a second course. He does this for us every other night." He pulled me up out of my hiding spot and I was led toward the action. The ghastly action. I must have been in shock, because I felt like it was all going to be okay. This would all go away. "Yo! Lookie here! It's the guy who fell for Rick's shit! He seems like a virgin to me...which means I go first," It was going to be okay. I would get out of this just fine. I was shoved forward into the light. I saw the group of dudes standing in a half-circle. They were brown, white, black ... and all big and menacing. Rick must have known he was done because he got up fast and took off. Asshole. I had this to deal with now. By myself. I thought about trying to talk my way out of the situation, but no words came. The guy who captured me in the rubble turned me around to face him. He was impossibly broad and tall, with a stubbly face and a backwards baseball hat on his head. "You're a child. Damn. You ever sucked a dick? I can initiate you right now. Bite me, and the ambulance will have to pick you up. Understood?" He unzipped his jeans and produced a giant stiff dick. Right in my face. OK. This will all be fine. I kissed and licked the slimy head a little. The asphalt was tearing my bare knees to shreds. Funny that I liked it. He held the back of my head and plunged his tool deeper down my throat. Tony had told me about doing this. He said he always gagged, but I didn't. He just kept going. I couldn't breathe, but this was so much more vital than oxygen. Dick. I'd needed this too long. I would have been satisfied if everything ended this second, but no. He pushed me down on my back and stripped my shorts off. He fell on top of me and had every intention of raping my butt hole. His cock head was so slick with my spit that he was able to get inside of me a little. It was going to be okay. Wrong! It hurt like someone shoved hot metal up my guts. I started to scream, but a tennis shoe stepped on my mouth. It wasn't going to be okay. I endured the awful hurt as a dirty shoe sole was on my mouth and this big dude was thrusting his big dick deeper and deeper inside me. I had no fight left. He busted a load in me and stayed still. "There you go. You got my dose. Now you get Aneet's. His shoe was just on your face. You like that, baby boy?" "Hold on...no...let me..let me just...." Too late. A vaguely Middle Eastern man was covering me with his body. "You like the taste of my foot? Give me your number after this is all over and you can lick my shoes anytime you want. Get ready. I'm the biggest guy here." He was huge, but he was a little more gentle than the first guy. My ass was numb. I barely felt pain except when he got very deep and hit a place where there was no more room. But he kept going. I'm going to die now. But he pushed in further somehow. He gasped...maybe as surprised as I was that a dick could go so far in. He squinted his eyes tight and then opened them wide again. "Fuck! Give me your number no matter what!" Then I took on the rest of them. Big black guys and grungy white trash...one after the other. I was so full of sperm. I could feel it dribbling out of me. I should just die now. Maybe one of them had a gun and could just kill me. If only. The party seemed to be breaking up. Everybody was heading out. Aneet helped me up and found my clothes. He walked me to my car. "Are you okay to drive? Do you need a hospital? I can take you. I'm a little drunk, but I can drive." "No. I just need to rest now." I felt like I was in a dream and none of this had really happened. Aneet tucked a piece of paper into my glove compartment. His phone number. I thought I would probably die in a car crash on my way home. But I didn't. I got home and showered for thirty minutes. Bed. I slept as the poison cum from the gang soaked in. Nightmares all night. I tested HIV+ four months later. Of course. I wanted to call Tony, but I knew he'd be outraged. I called Aneet instead.

Thanks, Lynn! You're way too kind!!

Thanks, man.

Dear Moderator(s): Could one of you kindly add an 'n' to the title? It's meant to be "Confessions"

My thoughts: We've been brainwashed by hetero movies and assorted media. Gays are just different (brain and body). I always wanted a relationship like I'd been conditioned to expect. I tried dating in my 20's and it just never went quite right. I couldn't manage a "Danny and Sandy" or a "Ross and Rachel' situation. It's different for us. I'm not saying courtship isn't possible, just saying that it may take a little extra effort on our part. Just a theory.

1982 I was starting my freshman year of high school in a stupid hick town in the middle of the country. And I knew I was gay.. That knowledge came as a heavy blow. I'd never be happy or successful. I'd never be a man. My strategy was just to avoid doing anything that would set me apart. I wanted to belong and be normal --- even though I was pretending and in disguise. It worked for a long time. Our particular school had rules about what made you gay. For instance, anyone who wore green on Thursdays was gay. I had a bunch of green shirts because it had always been my favorite color. I never wore them now. My parents didn't notice my struggles because they were older and always working. Eventually, green just became associated with homosexuality. You couldn't have anything green on any day. Green was gay. The Summer before my sophomore year, Mom went and got my school supplies without even asking me what I wanted. I didn't complain. Shopping with that woman was a nightmare. But she got me a spiral notebook with a green cover. No way could I ever take that to school. I just hid it in a drawer and went to class that September, avoiding green at all times. I hated those years, but I got through them...and graduated. The day before I left for college, I was packing up all my stuff and looking forward to a new life. I came across that unused green notebook and added it along with all my other junk. The following are diary entries added to that green notebook: 9/1/85 My roommate is a total dork. Wants to be an architect, As if!! He's very religious too and plays with his watch all the time. He snores. Loudly. I went to the club fair at the student union. There was nothing I wanted to be a part of. There's an actually gay cub here!! They had a big sign above there booth that said "Someone You Know Is Gay". I didn't go near that table. 9/13/85 I hate my German teacher! He's a dick. I may go to McDonald's tonite. 9/19/85 Well, Labor Day weekend at home was real fun. Mom and Dad cooked out but looked like they had headaches the whole time. My asshole older sister was there too. We hate each other. She told me to be careful at college because college was where people strayed away from 'The Lord' at my age. hahahaha. I fucking hate her. 11/10/85 My stupid roommate dropped out to go on some mission to somewhere poor in Africa . To pray at them I guess. So I have the room to myself. YAY!!! I hate German. The mid-term is going to be a bitch. I dread this. That gay club put flyers up here. There's an actual party/dance or whatever at the union center. How could they just go be gay in the open/???? Did they dance with each other? Openly? There's a midnight showing of an Andy Warhol movie that same night. I'll probably go to it. There's a guy on my floor who is so hot looking! He might be from the middle east or Mexico or somewhere. He's brownish and has a wonderful deep voice. He said hello to me once in that voice. I bet he sings. He always wears shorts and sandals. Nice legs. I guess we all have nice legs here because the campus has so many hills. Maybe I should lift weights. 11/15/85 Well I went to see Andy Warhol's dracula movie last night. Horrible. How is he a famous artist?? The whole night was pretty bad. Idiot me went and bought beer from QT and drank a few before going out. Uggh. I don't like the taste of beer but I'm 18 now and it feels like a college thing to do. I listened to my favorite Adam Ant cassette and drank maybe three beers. I thought I'd once heard that three is the amount you need to get drunk. I finally just left the dorm and walked to the union. As soon as I got there I felt sick to my stomach. I needed to find a bathroom and hurl. The movie was on the third floor, but I went to the fourth floor bathroom. I hate throwing up, but it had to be done or I'd not be able to enjoy the movie (which I didn't up doing anyway) The bathroom was empty and I left all the beer Id drank in one of the toilets. OK. Not ever drinking again. I could hear loud music from the floor above. Oh yeah. I forgot all about the gay dance. I felt better and went down to watch the movie. I almost left several times because it was so awful. It was supposedly rated x, but there was only some bare boobs and one guy's soft penis. I left and started the walk back here. I'm almost sure I saw the deep-voiced guy outside, smoking a cigarette. Maybe it wasn't him. Either he went to the movie or was at the gay party. 11/17/85 Done with midterms! I think I aced most of them. Maybe not. Now I have to worry about finals. OH!! The guy with the baritone voice is named "Oscar". Heard somebody call him that. I hate the idea of going home for thanksgving. The drive is SO long!!! My sister always insists on saying grace and it takes her about twenty minutes. I hate her. Every thought I have about Oscar is interrupting me. I told myself I was going to be straight from now on, but it's not working out. I'm weak. Hopefully I get a good job someday and can go to a doctor to be cured of all my problems. 11/19/85 I'm home now. Back in my little kiddie bedroom. Thanksgiving was not bad I guess. My sister had a sore throat and could barely talk! HAHAHAHA! She went to bed early and I watched football with dad while mom did dishes and stuff. He let me drink wine. I liked it better than beer, but not much. He asked me if I'd met any girls so far. Can't remember exactly what I said, but it was basically a NO. I'd met a perfect guy with a deep voice and perfect body, but no way could I ever tell him that. Wine isn't so bad -- I am sleepy as hell now. zzzzz 11/25/85 I am so busy right now!!!! I take showers late, late, late at night after I'm done studying. I saw Oscar get out of the shower and didn't stop myself from looking at him! He was large and bulky with no fat that I could see. He had a line of hair down his stomach and the dick was pretty nice too!! Don't think he saw me look at him. God! What if he did???? I got in the shower stall and had a stiffy the whole time. I think I had found my dream man. But no way. He probably has a girlfriend. 12/3/85 Finished my first two finals today!! There might be a tiny chance I get all As this semester. The English final was super easy and the art history final was pretty smooth too. But the best thing was running into Oscar earlier!!!!! We were both on the same walkway through the memorial park. He was having a smoke and walking kind of slow. I caught up to him and said hi!!! He said hi back and we fell into pace together. He offered me a smoke and I accepted. I never knew how to smoke or what it was like. He told me that this whole park was very cruisy. I wasn't sure what that meant. I'd always heard cruising meant you drove hot rods around, but there were no streets here. So I asked him if he cruised here...and he told me he'd been cruising since he was 16.??I didn't ask anything more so he wouldn't think I was a moron. We got back here and I went to start studying right away. I got three finals in two days. I LOVE OSCAR!!!! I think 12/6/85 German final was pretty hard. Calculus wasn't so bad and Geology was a piece of cake. I'M DONE!!!! The dorms don't close for four more days. I can do whatever I want now! I should probably do some fucking Christmas shopping. I don't know where to buy anything or even what to buy. I did buy some cigarettes tho. I was starting to like it more and more. Watching Get Smart right now. Dumb. (later) Went to go pee and saw Oscar walking to his room carrying two bottles of wine. Guess he's done with finals too. 12/7/85 UNBELIEVABLE!!! Oscar was loitering in the dining hall after lunch and I asked him if he was going to cruise today. He said he was and invited me to go with him!!!!! He wants me to come by his room tonight!!! I seriously can't believe this!! I have to shower and pick out something to wear. It's cold out and I love smoking SO MUCH!! 12/17/85 Sorry I haven't written in so long. I have so much to report. So I went to Oscar's room that night. I was wearing a new sweater Mom had given me a while back. I knocked and he answered the door in just his underwear!!!!! He laughed and told me I was early. He was still getting dressed but told me to have a glass of wine while he finished. He had a very decent TV and so I watched Cosby Show. The wine was good. I remembered my shit experience with beer but this stuff was different. He had an ashtray on the arm of the couch and so I took out a cig and smoked. More wine and then more. He took so long. Once he came back, he looked like 100 million bucks and smelled so good. I forgot about putting on aftershave. DAMN! I wanted him to go back to just his undies, but we were ready to go. He asked if I liked the wine and I said yes. He opened the second bottle and filled two glasses all the way up. We smoked and drank and I secretly wondered if he would be okay to drive. He wanted to go cruise and I decided not to worry. We put coats on and left. It had gotten colder and the air smelled like snow. Hold on. Mom is calling me for some reason OK. I'm back. I thought we'd be going to the parking lot, but instead we went down the hill toward the park. Kept my mouth shut even tho I had about ten questions. We strayed off the sidewalk and went down to where there more trees. Cruising isn't what I thought it was. It meant that you went looking for S-E-X!!! In the dark. Everything was starting to make sense. Oscar came here to have fucks. I wondered if he wanted to have sex with me, but instead he brought me there to help him look. He said something about how the ace went dead during winter break. He liked it that way because the guys who did show up were more desperate. But nobody was there. It was too cold. I just wanted to be back at his place and drink wine and see him in his underwear. Hold on. Back. I'm here again. So Oscar lit two cigarettes and gave me one. He shivered a little and asked me if I wanted to leave. I almost said I did but then his arms wrapped around me and we were KISSING!!!!! He told me later that it was the best kiss he'd ever had. I think I dropped the cig right then. It was my first kiss of my life. He led me a little deeper into the bushes and trees. I thought my head and heart and everything would explode. Then he got different. Pushed me down to my knees and unzipped his black jeans. He wiped his cold hard dick against my cheek. I knew he wanted me to make a move and suck on it. So I did. There was no cold or park or trees anymore. Just that dick getting warmer in my mouth. No way was this happening. He moved in and out of my mouth with a cigarette still in his mouth. I was holding his legs which were still cold. He spit on my face which I thought meant I'd done a bad job. But he kept his big hands on my head. (next page) He was cold and wanted to go back. As we walked back i the frozen air with jittering teeth, he asked me if I knew about gay issues and heath issues. I think I knew what he was taking about, but played dumb. I just told him that I knew some stuff. He put one arm around me and we finally made it back to the building. There wasn't even a question about where we'd go now. We went to his room. He poured more wine and then completely undressed. He just stood there with his hard dick standing out. I knew he wanted me to do the same so I did. He looked even taller in this small space. Oscar was overwhelming in many ways. I'll finish later...Mom wants me to come down and help decorate the tree. Ughh!!! It's a fake tree that smells like our basement. The ornaments smell mold and dead mice. FUCK!!! Where was I? Oh. So my dream man and I were standing there naked. His roommate was gone I guess. We went to his bed and started exploring each other. Tongues, skin, hair. OH MY GOD!!! Then he told me that he had a sickness inside of him. I knew what he meant. Maybe his words didn't sound so bad because his voice was so sexy. I accepted it all and just let him take the lead. He FUCKED ME!!! No rubber, no nothing. He just buried that dick in me while I yelled. Nobody was around. Nobody could hear us. He fucked me like a man fucking a woman. It didn't last long. I can't say it felt good physically, but it felt good to touch minds with him. If that makes any sense 1/17/86 HAPPY NEW YEAR! I'm back at school. Oscar and I are sharing a room now. His dad is a doctor and and an alumni. Oscar forced him to pull strings so we could live together. We fuck all the time now. Several times a day even. He made me go to the student health center and get tested. I had HIV. He and I are going to face this together now. I feel great!!!! I love my Oscar for life!

(early 90's) It's hard to say how Jeffrey and I became s couple. We were opposites of each other in so many ways. He was careless and carefree, while I was always worried and planning and making lists. He wasn't especially neat or groomed. What I guess what I'm trying to say is that he was a slob. Unemployed, unclean and didn't give a damn. He lived in my apartment building, and we would say "hi" every once in a while -- in the elevator or at the mailboxes. Jeffrey was very tall and skinny, around my age (23), and always seemed happy. He had an unruly head of brown curls and has usually minimally dressed (with visible tattoos) I just figured he was another city weirdo...like all the others I'd met here. I'm a country boy who went to rural college and got a job in this foreign urban area. Midtown. It seems like all the misfits lived here. One night, I finally got tired of beating off to internet porn, and decided to go out to one of the many gay bars in my neighborhood. I walked to a lace called "Buddies"...with my keys spread out between the fingers of my right hand-- in case anybody tried to attack me. My work friend Anna had told me about that after she took a self-defense class. It's hard to remember now how scared I was of everything. Well I made it safely, the door guy carded me, and I went to the bar and ordered a beer. It was pretty dead, but they had a few decent pinball games. Man, I miss pinball. I was headed over to a machine, when I noticed Jeffrey sitting there.waiting for his turn at a pool table. Weirdly, I was happy to see him. I was exhilarated even. "Hi Neighbor!", I said as I tapped him on the back. "So you DO know me? I waved when you walked in, but you just went straight to the bar." "I didn't see you. Sorry." "No problem." "You like pool? I would have never guessed that." "I love it now that I know the secret....just don't care." "Huh?" "If you don't care about the game, you'll have more fun. I'm just shooting a ball --- not doing heart surgery. My life motto is 'nothing matters'." "Oh. I understand you better now." "Let's go get a drink and talk more. You'll understand everything in a few minutes." He took his two quarters off the edge of the pool table and led me along to a little table in the corner. "Want are you drinking, Jeff?" "Oh. Nothing just yet. I'm so stoned right now. I'm surprised I can still talk." "Is that why you're so happy all the time?" "Yeah...or maybe because of my philosophy: Just. Don't. Care." "I care about some stuff. I care about people. About living. Sorry, but I do." "Don't be sorry. Nothing matters. Remember?" "Yeah...okay. There's no one you care about?" There was a spark in his brown eyes. "Can I kiss you...just real quick?" "Uh..." I didn't have time to answer before his mouth was covering mine. My first kiss from a man. His breath was a little sour and I could smell body odors. "How do you feel? What do you feel?" (I wasn't sure) "I don't know anything about anything." "Yeah...well, I'm going to tell you some things. I lost my virginity years ago. I've been fucking and getting fucked ever since. I didn't even finish high school. My rich parents pay my way now. They can be stingy at times, but they don't want me moving home with them. I've been in jail several times, lost my license and I have AIDS. I'm usually stoned...all day long." Fucking hell! It all made sense. "Are you sick?" "I was only diagnosed 11 months ago. I was sick as a dog for a week, but now I'm fine. I get sores on the insides of my mouth sometimes, but that could be from anything. Wait...did you hear that?" "Hear what?" "Thunder. I swore I just heard some thunder. Listen." Sure enough. Deep rumbling from somewhere up above was moving in fairly close. It was Summer, and harsh thunderstorms were pretty much normal in this godforsaken part of the country. I'd seen some serious weather in my life, but never took it for granted. I'd never seen a tornado even though my state is famous for them. Part of my personality is always being worried that disaster is always near by. "Maybe we should go. I walked here and don't want to get soaked." "You don't get it, do you? Nothing matters. Stop caring so much about shit." I hated the attitude, but liked the guy enough to stifle my paranoia...for now. Jeffrey was coming down from his buzz a little. He wanted his happiness back and so we ordered more drinks. The thunder got louder. As his his high wore off and he drank more, he got less philosophical and and became more of a flirt...he kept kissing me and touching me and complimenting me. I enjoyed it despite myself. I could not be falling for this guy. No way. Then the thunder was right over us and the lights inside the bar flickered. "It's been fun, Jeff, but I'm going home now. Maybe we can meet here again sometime." "Fine. I'll go with you. I don't want the joint in my pocket to get damp anyway. Let's go." He gulped the rest of his last drink and we headed out. Yeah. We were in for a hell of a storm. The air was still and humid and there were no insects buzzing. No sounds at all except for cars here and there. Then a branch of lightning spread across the sky and electrified the night oxygen. I was terrified of lightning. A girl I went to junior high with had been struck by a bolt and was paralyzed. Just the memory of that made the tiny hairs on my neck stand up. I wanted to tell Jeffrey about her, but didn't want to hear about how I should stop caring. "You're thinking awfully loud, buddy." Huh? I hadn't said anything, but maybe he knew that I was troubled by the storm. "What? No. I just think this is going to be a bad storm. And..I think I just felt a drop of rain. Shit! We've still got five blocks to go." He fished in his shirt pocket and produced a fat joint. "Here. We'll smoke this on the way and you'll calm down a little." I was actually grateful for the chance to relax --- Jeffrey was a tough person to be stressed around. We smoked and walked as little spatters of Summer rain came down. "I think we're going to get wet. Let's walk faster." "Why? Are you made of sugar or something? I say we walk slower." God, he was infuriating! His parents must have been either very strict or very lax. Something had made him this way. "Fine, Jeffrey...but if we're killed now, you won't ever be able to get stoned again." Can't believe I came up with that one. The weed was giving me something extra to work with...or maybe it was the storm. "We aren't going to die from this. You really need to lighten up a little" Before I could come back with a reply, the rain started. Hard. We ducked into the doorway of a bank building that had gone out of business a decade ago. Then the rain came heavy and fast. "So much for not getting your weed wet, Jeff." "I'll dry it in the oven later. Come on." "Come on what? We have two more blocks to go." I was more curious than mad. He stripped off his sandals, pants and shirt and carried them out into the little grassy area beside the bank. What the fuck? "Free shower and free laundry!" He was serious. I took off my shirt and shoes, but not my jeans. I took out my wallet and keys to keep them safe and dry beneath my shirt. But I joined him in his stormy joy. "This is insane!" He was naked and I couldn't help but notice how thick his wet dick was. He didn't see my look because he was stretching his arms straight up in the air with his mouth open and letting the sheets of rain land on and in him. He rubbed his big bare feet in the grass as if he was using it as a scrub brush. His eyes were squeezed tight. Insanity. "Ahh! If only I'd brought a bar of soap. I can't believe you still have pants on. This is a moment you might not ever get again. Join me." Oh, fuck it. I was in this now. I took off my already wet jeans and boxers and stood there naked with him. Jeffrey was too lost in his own bliss to even notice my nudity. He was enjoying this in a way I probably never could. I just kept seeing lightning getting brighter and more severe. I might die here, naked and in public. Or I might not. I knew one thing: I'd remember this forever. Once Jeffrey finally realized I was there and I was naked, he sized me up and groaned. In the next flash of lightning, I saw his dopey smile. "You've got a nice body ... and a nice dick for a short guy. I didn't mean that in the way you think...I just meant that you're always wearing clothes..and I mean..." "It's okay. You are not offending me. How was your shower?" He was about to answer me when the thunderstorm got severe and serious. Jeffrey shouted over the noise. "I guess we better go now. It's not far." I was going to suggest we get dressed first, but he was already carrying his wet clothes away and padding toward the sidewalk. No way could I walk naked down a sidewalk -- even if a tornado was happening. I put my yucky wet jeans on and just left my underwear. Grabbed my other stuff and caught up with him. The wind started up and got stronger rapidly. I gave him my clothes to hold over his private areas. I sure as fuck didn't want to get arrested when we were so close to home, but he didn't care. He was in his own groove and loving being nude in the rain. A few cars passed us, but I guess they were just wanting to get to their destination before things got worse. They had no time to notice a naked man at night. The rain came down harder. And louder. Once we got to the lobby of our apartment building, I had decided I wanted to invite him to spend the night with me. I felt my heart beating. Was this what love was like? I don't mean the love I've always had for my parents or the two great dogs we used to have. It was a love that was connected to my crotch somehow. I was confused and not at all myself. "Jeff...would you...um...." "You live on the second floor, right? Let's go to my place. I'm on the ninth floor and have a great view. We'll watch the storm there." OK. We waited for the elevator and I prayed no one was on it. Prayer never works. There was a fat black lady with a laundry basket in her arms. She didn't even blink. She'd probably lived in this neighborhood of misfits for many years, and had most likely seen it all. I tried to mentally communicate my gratitude, but she obviously had her own shit to deal with. She got out on the fourth floor. Finally. It was just me and the nude man I thought I loved alone. As the old elevator creaked upwards, I decided to make a move. "Remember when you kissed me in the bar? I forgot to thank you." "No. I forgot to thank YOU. I've thought about kissing you since I first saw you in the laundry room. Surprised I didn't do it before now. You just always seemed to be thinking or worrying about something. So...you liked the kiss?" Ding. We were on the ninth floor. His door was all the way at the end of the hall. I let him walk in front of me so I could look at his ass. It was so compact and small -- like some kind of perfect peach. And there was a little red plus sign tattoo on the left cheek. He had HIV. I understood that, but it didn't make my heart beat any slower. Love. We got to his door (that he'd left unlocked) and went inside. It smelled like him...like sweat and dirty socks and weed. Only hours ago, I would have hated this odor, but now.... "Sorry. I'm not much of a housekeeper. Have a seat. I'll open up all the blinds and we can see this bitch of a storm. I know the perfect music for now, but I need to go to the bathroom first." After he left, I took a quick scan of the room. He didn't have much. The stereo was very expensive and impressive, though. I got nosy and looked through his CD collection. Ugh. I should have known it would be mostly stoner music from the 70's. I was a pure pop, Top 40 guy at the time. I settled back on his futon/couch just as he came back. With a semi-boner. That must have been a really good poop. Or he was feeling the same thing I was.... "Here! The perfect music for this weather event." He pulled out an old vinyl album in its original cover. Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon." This was such a stoner standard that I'd heard in college, I never understood the love for it until I heard it on Jeffrey's audio system. Every note of the first song was exquisite...and the tones seemed to come from every corner. Good speakers are worth the cost. It was heavenly. "What is this song called?" He told me, but I can't now remember now exactly what he said, My best guess is it that it was called "Great Gig in the Sky". It was beautiful. Breathe.... breathe in the air.... I was in bliss there on the couch. How was it possible for music to sound this good?? 'Get up. You're missing this. I've never seen so much lighting in my life." I stood beside him and witnessed the spectacle. A lacy curtain of lightning hung over the whole city. It was near and far, and was swallowing us whole. We just stood there and watched for a few minutes. I was lost in the weather magic, when Jeffrey's reached mine and guided it over to his rock hard cock. It felt so big and so real. I was just about to kneel down and kiss his dick, but just then a giant knife of lightning struck a giant tree across the street. I'd always pictured a moment like that as a white or blue explosion, but it was a big orange burst. I guess the tree was near a power transformer because the lights, music and AC went dead. I took my hand away from his crotch..and my worried self emerged again. I knew he wouldn't have flashlights or anything useful in a situation like this. Plus the elevator would not be working and there'd be no lights in the hallways. How would I ever make to my door now? I'd completely forgotten about the naked, erect, poz man next to me. "Shit. The power people won't get here anytime soon. They always get to this area last. Shit! What are we going to do now??" "Just what were doing." He pulled my hand back to his dick. I forgot about everything else. I decided I just wanted him and his dick. I got on my knees and took him orally. The only light came from the electric clouds outside. His head was slick and hot as it slid over my lips. It tasted like him in all the good and not-so-good ways. I'd never done this before, but felt instinctively able to take it down my throat. I only got about halfway there before I started gagging. I thought I might throw up, but didn't. He moaned and pushed his crotch into my face. "Stay right there. I'll just be a second." He disappeared into the flashing shadows and came back with a lit candle. He looked like the cover of a romance paperback as he came toward me. God, he was beautiful. How had I never seen it before? I stayed there on my knees kike a patient little slut waiting for the dick to come back. The wind brewed up and slammed rain into the windows. I felt like I was in a movie or something. "I never would have guessed you to have candles, Jeffrey." "My dealer is in Larrytown. It's a college area with lots of trippy stores. I always buy candles when I'm there. We can stay out here or go to the bedroom. I think we should go get comfortable. Follow me." His apartment was officially a studio, though the bedroom was blocked off from the living room. I followed him into his lair behind the candle glow. There were already three or four glowing candles lit already. Had he done this while he said he was in the bathroom? Or had he done both and I was too lost in the music to know how long he'd been gone. Of course his bed was unmade. I felt my chest tighten. He plopped down and spread out, stretching. I still had the gross wet jeans on, and knew I should take them off, but him to tell me to. i knew he would. "Get naked, little buddy." Told you. It's hard to get wet denim pants off of you and takes some time. "I'm not little, Jeffrey. I'm also not 'short. 5'10" isn't exactly short." I stood there, watching him stroke his heavy meat. "Sorry. When you're 6'6", everybody looks short." "Forget it. Of course I'm little compared to you. Ever washed these sheets?" "Nope. Not since I took them out of the plastic." "That's what I thought", I said as I hopped in next to him. The bed smelled strongly of his body, but it was very comfortable. He took over and positioned my body as he wanted it. I was on my back with my head over the end of the bed. He got u and stood over me. "I want that blow job to continue a little." He worked his dick into my mouth as he stood behind my head. I opened up my throat as much as I could.... "Yeah! Ever fucked a face like this? No, of course you haven't. If you get far enough. your dick finds a second hole. Yeah...let me feel yours." I tried to let him go deeper, but I couldn't breathe. He bucked and squirmed and said he'd found it. He just kept thrusting with abandon. Well, I guess this was as good as way to die as any. Just as saw colored lights in my head, he pulled out and let me gasp for air. "Sorry. I'm just obsessed with the idea of fucking that little opening down there. If I'd shot, all the cum would ave gone into your lungs probably. You'd never even feel it. You okay?" "I'm okay. My throat hurts a little." It also felt broken and ruined. "Sorry, man. We'll try again another time. Need some water?" "Nah. I'm good." He climbed in next to me. The storm seemed to be moving out.He was so large and so heated. "I need to fuck your ass now, okay?" "I want that too." "You sure?" "I'm sure." "Yo don't know quite how painful it is, do you? I basically just want to get my head in there and shoot. That way, you'll be mine forever. You will want me in your life after this...and I know I want you in mine." "sounds like a good plan, Jeffrey." "Yeah? Cool." He knelt between my legs and then put them on his shoulders. He pressed forward and I could feel that weapon of his pushing between my ass cheeks. He didn't g slow or easy. It was fast and hard. And so painful! It felt like I'd been stabbed in the ass by a knife, and I yelped. "SShhh. Hush, baby. I'm in. You might be my first virgin. Wow. Just let me go in a little more...yeah...one more inch...and...YEAH!!! I"M GONNA UNLOAD!" I wish I could say that I felt his hot cum shoot inside me, but all I felt was happy. "Thank you for the kiss and the night and the fun we had. You want to go wash up or do you just want to sleep?" I heard all that, but I was already drifting on an early dream. I felt his arms around me. We've been together ever since. He is always finding that other hole in my throat and always pumping loads into my guts. I've never been tested, because I'd hate for him to be disappointed if it came back negative. I never got "the flu". We belong to each other, and I'm sure I'll test positive eventually.

Early 80's I decided I was gay when I was 11 years old. I remember the moment -- I was sitting at home watching Super Password on TV. It was Summer and I just watched dumb shows all day. There was something I saw that made me face the fact that I wasn't normal. I was instantly depressed. I knew for a fact that I'd never get married and have kids...I was going to have a lonely life. I also knew I had to keep it secret and not let..anybody know. Funny, now looking back, that most people kinda knew already. I was a walking, talking question mark. I always fell in love with one of the husbands on reruns of The Newlywed Game...bUt that's as far as my thoughts would go. 1991 By this time, I was a college graduate and starting my first job as a copywriter for an ad agency. I was the 'quiet kid'. People can sense when you have an invisible wall around you...and they leave you alone. I had no social life whatsoever,but I had a Nintendo and a kick-ass stereo. That was all I had ever wanted or needed. But one day, there was a pamphlet left on my office chair. It concerned my company's policy of offering three free counseling sessions with a therapist. Somebody had noticed how isolated I was -- possibly my boss. I read the list of the shrinks they approved of. One was near where I lived. I didn't feel like I needed therapy, but clearly somebody else did. It was free so I went ahead and made an appointment. I had no idea what to expect. It was a hippy-looking woman with curly red hair and lots of jewelry. Her office smelled like incense. I showed my employee I.d. and signed a piece of paper. And then I sat down and talked. Talked and talked and talked. I wasn't used to speaking out loud, and I told her everything while she took notes and nodded. I used my whole free session just talking about myself. She asked me to come back on Thursday, But maybe I didn't need to, I felt so relived just confessing everything that maybe I was OK now. But I went back. Again and again. I was in the middle of that story I told you about knowing I was gay as a child and how sad it made me. She interrupted me. "When was the last time you remembered to breathe?" "Huh?" "You are paralyzed with fear and sadness...and you don't even take a breath when you talk. You're setting yourself up for an early heart attack. You seem coiled. Lean back a little, sit up straight and be aware of your breathing. Like this...." She closed her eyes and inhaled and exhaled audibly. So I did. "Do I need pills or something?" "Probably. I think you need a massage more. You need to loosen that coil a little. A lot." "So what's wrong with me?" "Nothing that can't be helped ... or fixed." Even after my free sessions were over with, I still went back to see her. She had referred me to a doctor who put me on Prozac and Xanax. I took the meds as directed and tried to be aware of my oxygen intake at all times. I can't say I was cured or anything, but I did change in small ways. At the next session, I told her about the progress I thought I was making. "The more you need a pill, the sooner it works. You even look brighter, but you're still so guarded. Fear is your main issue. Did you ever go to get a massage?" "No. I'm not a big fan of being touched. I'm not comfortable with that." "Ah, yes. Comfort. You love your safety zone. Do you ever hear about Eleanor Roosevelt? She once said that everyone should do one thing each day that makes you uncomfortable." "Like what?" "Talk to a stranger. Smile at a coworker. Go somewhere you've never been. Listen to music you've never given a chance." "Why?" "Once doing something new becomes a habit, you'll see why." I had no idea where to start. I smiled more often and said "good morning" to people at work. It was great...a little bit like acting maybe, but so much positive response came from this experiment. I even started making friends in my office. I tried to go somewhere I'd never been before, but I didn't know where. There was no way I was going to a movie or a restaurant alone. Nobody did that. I wanted to make more and more progress. I was young and not feeling sad. Things could get even better. One day after work, I drove by a little bar called "Changes". The logo on the sign had a silhouette of a cowboy. Obviously a gay place, right? I never drank alcohol, but I was definitely gay. This would be my first new place to go...my new thing that I was afraid to do. People went to bars alone. If it was too weird, I could just leave. It was dark and smoky inside. And pretty much quiet and empty. I could handle this. I expected country music and dudes in cowboy hats, but that wasn't the case. It was just a run-down tavern with no business. I sat at the bar and the tall, lanky bartender came over...and promptly carded me. I was used to it. I had a baby face and looked too new for his liking. I ordered a beer and sat like I'd been there a million times already. There was only two other customers -- one of which was talking to the bartender there at the bar. "Hey," the bartender's friend yelled out. "Come here and talk to us, kid." I moved down and joined their chat. "Scotty has no manners. He should have introduced us. I'm Jeff." "Hi. I'm Dan." I was getting used to this whole talking to strangers thing. I figured they were boyfriends, but I soon figured out they were just buddies. Buddies who loved to gossip. They dished on everyone they knew. I should add something. Talk. "Is it always this empty?" "This time of day it is. It'll pick up pretty soon. Let the rush hour die down a little and they'll be pouring in. You've never been here?" "No. I don't go out to much." "Well. be prepared. It's 2 for 1 drinks on Fridays. Scotty -- give him his other beer." "It's OK. I've barely started this one." "Well...get to drinking. And stick close. I'll tell you about each person who comes in here." So he and I moved closer, and people started to filter in. Dan knew them all. "He's a drag queen - you can tell by the eyebrows." "He's married and has kids.'' "He is a coke-head." And on and on. I kept drinking beer and listening and looking. It was probably not a night I would tell my therapist about. I tuned out as the two of them kept talking. Scotty was busy filling orders as more dudes came Suddenly, Dan got very animated and practically begged his pal to come over. "Did you see? Beer Can is here!' "Oh. HIM. He has the biggest dick in the state...possibly the country." I'd read stories about guys with dicks as 'big as a beer can", but doubted the realness. No way could a penis that thick could get erect. It was an embellishment and a dumb reference that never made sense to me. Hot idea, but pure bullshit. Beer Can was pretty average-looking. He had a nice face and a bit of a gut...but his bulge was obviously pretty big, "What's his actual name?" Dan grabbed my knee. "No. He's not built for amateurs. He's too experienced. And plus I heard someone say they saw him at the drugstore counter, paying for AZT. The AIDS drug. Start slower, smaller." I couldn't help but watch Beer Can walk up to the bar, order drinks and find a spot by himself. "He's a hair stylist. Works out of his house...and he rubs his crotch against the arms of his guy customers. One guy I know sucked his dick and he got AIDS....just from sucking him! No fucking even." For whatever reason, I wanted to know more. And watch him. He didn't look sick. Scotty was busy at the bar and Dan was distracted by a pretty blonde who'd come on to him. I ordered another beer (plus one). and made my way over to sit next to Beer Can. He was giving me a friendly smile as I approached. "Hi. I guess you're drinking alone tonight/' "Hi. Yeah. I'm Ben. You had enough of those two bitches at the bar?" "I'm Josh. I don't know them...it's my first time here." "I guess they told you about me." "Just that your nickname is 'Beer Can'." "Still? I swear...this town sucks. I've been hearing that name as long as I've lived here." "Is it true?" "Not exactly. Why? Is that why you came over here?" "Probably a little. I was just left all by myself and saw you were alone too. This is my very first time in a gay bar." "Hell. Are you even legal to drink?" "I am." "What else did those vipers tell you?" "Just that you cut hair." "Liar. No offense. The whole city knows I have the bug." "Yeah. I heard." "Well, turn around and you'll see everybody looking at us." He chuckled and drank one of my beers. "You seem like a teenager to me. And so new." "Possibly I'm older than you think." "Well...before I get too drunk, I'll show it to you." "Not here. Not with all the people looking." "Afraid?" Damn my fear. It had held me back for so long. "No. Not especially. I just don't to be in a show. They don't deserve to see you. Us." "Good answer. Let's go." "I don't think I should drive now. Let's wait." "I'l drive. Can I come to your place? Is it far?" "I'm only a few blocks from here. And YES, you are welcome to crash at my apartment." "Let's go. And ignore everyone as we leave." I didn't obey that command, and saw the whole bar watch us leave. Scotty and Dan let their jaws drop. What the fuck was I doing? Definitely not telling the therapist about this. On the walk out to the parking lot, I checked his body out a little. He was a few inches taller than me and had broader shoulders. Nice butt. I glanced down at the boots he was wearing. I'd already read that the myth of "big feet = big dick" wasn't true, but it was still always something I noticed. His shoes were large, but nothing special for a man with an alleged beer can between his legs. We got to his car, and he opened the passenger door for me like were going to the prom or something. I settled into the seat ad put my head back. What the hell time was it? He got in next to me. "You're not falling asleep on m are you?" "No. not at all. I just don't drink very often. Give me a minute. I'm gonna have some coffee when we get to my place." Where i it?" I gave him directions and we left. If you've ever tried to force yourself to be sober, you know it's pretty impossible. But I was determined to be smart and be aware of everything. Once we got to my apartment building, I felt a bit of fear rise in me. I knew bringing home a man with "the bug" wasn't the kind of daring thing my therapist was suggesting I do. Fuck her. She probably meant bungee jumping or something. No thanks. Once we got inside my apartment, I noticed it smelled like dust. Maybe it was just in my head, but I lit a wildflower-scented candle anyway. "Nice place. It needs a woman's touch maybe. That big inflatable dinosaur is kinda cool, though. Mind if I get comfortable?" "Make yourself at home." He took off his shoes, socks and shirt -- leaving just his jeans on. He plopped on the couch and stretched out his legs on my coffee table. "Damn. It's early. It's only 10 PM on a Friday night! I'm guessing it's past your bed time." "No. Not at all. We can go back out if you want." "We can have our own party here. Once my shoes are off, they're off for the night. Plus I've got this...." He reached inside his discarded shirt and pulled out a fat twist of paper that I assumed was weed. I had roommates in college who smoked daily. I'd never done it because I was afraid I'd get addicted. "I'll turn on the TV. Anything you want to watch?" "Turn on your VCR and let me see what you last watched. Porn?" I felt my face get warm. It wasn't porn -- it was "The Muppet Movie". "Oh cool! I remember seeing this a million years ago. This is perfect!" He lit up the fatty and took some tokes. He then moved me closer to him. "It's just pot, right? Nothing else mixed in?" "You are such a kid. You sit at home and watch muppets. Most guys are out on the weekends having sex and partying." I took a few hits from the joint and tried to act as if I'd done it a million times before. "I'm not a kid, Ben." "Sorry. I meant it in a good way. It's cute. Hot even." I felt warmer and lighter...like a birthday balloon full of the devil's breath. I also was really liking being so close to his hairy chest. I took in his whole body with my eyes. His jeans were likely very new and his wide bare feet were groomed and perfect. "You are the very first visitor I've ever had." "I bet I'm the first man who's ever kissed you too." "Yeah... I mean... huh? We've never ki---" I didn't even finish my sentence before his mouth was on mine. Not a peck or a smooch....he was opening my mouth with his and his tongue slid all over my gums and teeth. It was something I'd seen in movies, but had never imagined it happening to me. He abruptly stopped and we finished the rest of his joint. I felt myself get as hard as granite. Way out of my comfort zone and loving it. "I'm going to show you now. Ready?" "Oh yeah." "Good. Go get naked and I'll show you my 'beer can'." I knew he expected me to get undressed in another room, but I just stripped right there in front of the muppets. "OK. I'm ready." "Sit down next to me." I was slightly ashamed of my hard boner. It was proof that I was horny and it was definitely not what you'd call 'a beer can'. He looked at my dick and touched it. "I guess you're not a kid after all. That's a healthy-sized cock." "Well..thank. I want to see yous." We kissed for a little and he stood up. He faced away from me and slid off his jeans. No underwear. His ass was perfect. Like a big ripe peach with hair in the crack. I also noticed something dark red on his back.For a second, I thought it was a tattoo, but it was actually a sore. My baked brain thought it looked like a lipstick kiss. He turned around slowly and I finally saw it. The infamous Beer Can. I was shocked. At the base near his thick pubes, it was indeed that size...but it got more normal above the middle. The head was almost like my own. He was about 3/4 of the way hard and there was a little drop of wetness on his pee hole. "What do you think? Want to touch it?" "YES!" "You can also kiss it if you want...." I pulled him closer and greedily grabbed his huge shaft and low, furry balls. I only did that for about ten seconds before kissing the wet drops on his slit. "Did you really give HIV to a guy who just sucked you?" "Oh who knows. That's what he tells people. He was a customer of mine and a terrible tipper. Why? You worried?" "Not at all." "Well kiss it deeper then." I worked my mouth and tongue all over his awesome tool. I tried to suck as much of it as I could, but didn't get very far. I was forgetting to breathe again, and getting a little dizzy. But at least he was all the way erect now. "Want to go to my bedroom?" He smirked. "You sure you don't want me to sleep here on the couch?" "Oh hell no." "Good. I had no intention of doing that." We left the muppets to do their thing on TV and got in bed. His body took up a lot of space, but it felt nice. My heart was racing and my brain was somewhere near one of Jupiter's moons. I turned a little lamp and just hugged him, felt him. "All of this is new to me, Ben. I apologize if I don't know what to do next." "I know, baby. First thing you can do is shut up. I'll do all the talking now." I was going to reply but kept my mouth closed. "Second thing is to let me know if you want me to wear a condom. There are none that fit me, but you need to let me know if you to me go ahead anyway." I stayed silent and pulled him closer. He got harder...I could feel it against my hip. "Good. This was going to happen from the minute you invited me in. You know that, right?" He arranged us so that was on all fours and kneeling like a sphinx. He started licking my ass, and then putting his tongue in my hole. Holy Shit! Never imagined this. Not once. Ever. It felt so good that I wanted to do it to him. But I was not allowed to talk. "You probably don't have lube, right? What about lotion? Hand lotion? Vaseline?" I gestured toward the bathroom where I had some Baby Oil. He found it right away and returned. 'just try to relax as much as possible. Once I get inside you, I won't hold back. CAN'T hold back." So he greased up his giant dick and also my anus. Everything was new and foreign. Once he started pushing the head in. though, I involuntarily yelped. He was not having that, and pushed my face into the pillow. He kept his hand on the back of my head as he slowly worked his dick into me. I screamed into the pillow, and thought I might pass out. And maybe I did for a few seconds. The next thing I knew, Ben was moving in and out of me in a smooth way. "Feeling good now? The first time is difficult. I want you to get some pleasure too." He kept pumping and murmuring words and half-words. i felt sweat from his upper body drip on my back. That was the end of my resistance...I just gave up and let him do his thing. He might have got the whole thing inside of me, but I wasn't fighting it. He jabbed faster and faster and then held perfectly still. He came. He was passing the bug through his giant dick. Maybe I'd get a red sore on my back someday soon. The movie had ended in the living room. We just lied in each others arms. And slept deeply. I dreamed about getting tattoos and other weird things. We were a little quiet in the morning, but started warming up to our living selves after some coffee and discussion about where to eat breakfast. Ben was a fan of some egg and biscuit thing they had a Burger King. So I took him there, with his virus swimming through my body. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror with out picturing his HIV under my skin. We stayed together after that night He cut my hair for free and I gave him my whole life.

You're lucky and you don't even know it. You have life. You're alive right now! Your dad got horny one night and shot, like, hundreds of thousands of little sperms into your mom. The sperm that made you won first place. The other ones died. They were the losers. YOU are the winner! I didn't come up with that on my own. I learned it in a college class or read it in a book. But I tried to remember how lucky I was to be alive when my life fell apart. In 1995. I'd graduated from a good school with a degree and everything. I went to work for a reputable company that required me to THINK with this brain of mine. I didn't have to lift anything or even break a sweat -- I just had to sit at a computer and have ideas. It went really well for a few years. I was paid really well and had a 401k even. Just when I thought I had some kind of rare good luck streak, the company went bust. It happens, I guess. I was so down about it that I just stayed in bed for a week. Sleeping was all I wanted to do, but I had find a job and pay my bills. There wasn't really much available in my little city. I couldn't afford to move, so I started going online and posting my resume everywhere. No response. Well, I needed insurance and needed some income....so I just applied at every place that had a "NOW HIRING" sign in the window. Except Hobby Lobby. Fuck that store and their anti-gay owner. I went into restaurants and little boutiques and convenience stores. I finally got hired at that famous taco place. You know it. I'll call it "Taco Ding". At first they didn't take me seriously. I had a great resume and a college degree and no fast food experience. After I kept calling back, the manager agreed to interview me. I decided not to take a shower that morning because I knew they didn't want a clean, educated snob among them. The manager was named 'Ernie', which was short for something. 'Ernesto', maybe. He was a year younger than me and about four inches shorter. And he was chubby. I always found something hot about Mexican-Americans. He has a little bear with a five o'cock shadow at noon. I found him strangely attractive. He had a dazzlingly white smile and gave off a friendly vibe, :You really want to work here? In this place? You're way overqualified...and we don't have any management jobs open. You okay with starting at the bottom?" "Absolutely. I've always worked....since I was a little kid. My dad was a farmer and I've been doing chores since I could walk." "Ah. My grandfather had a farm. That's hard work. Well, I will hire you right now. You won't get insurance until you're a night manager. OK?" "Si! When do I start?" And that was it. I was an employee of Taco Ding now. Never saw that coming. I started a few days later at 10:30 in the morning. The uniform wasn't so bad...no paper hat at least. Just a ball cap. That first day was a nightmare of meat and grease and spills. I smelled like tacos after the day ended, but I barely noticed it after a few days. My coworkers were the laziest, most bored kids I'd ever met. And not very bright. Once Ernie saw that I was fairly literate and could handle stuff, he moved me to the drive-thru....and then to one of the registers up front. Turns out that I was just about the only one with a working brain. Ernie and I became friends. We sometimes talked about going out for a beer after work, but he had a girlfriend and she wanted him home as soon as his shift ended. I saw her a few times. She was cute and had a great body, but she always seemed vaguely pissed-off. Her name was "Emilia" and she was always calling here to bitch at him for something. I knew when the fights got bad because Ernie would speak only Spanish into the phone. Poor guy. It was none of my business. In late April of that year, business slowed way down. Another Taco Ding had opened up on a busier street not too far away. A few people were laid off...and then a few more. Ernie and I had a lot of time to talk and get to know each other. I had started to like him more and more. One night, his gal came in and caused a big scene. She was yelling at him and he yelled back. She tried to slap him, but couldn't reach across the counter. She was crying even. Her tantrum climaxed with her pushing the trash can over and storming out. I stood there like a giant squirrel, not knowing how to react. Or what to say. It all seemed very epic and very final. Poor Ernie. He was now crying too. Not much, but I saw the wetness in his big brown eyes. I figured if he wanted to talk, he would. I wiped the counter and went to upright the trash bin. "I'm sorry you had to see that." "No problem, Boss. Relationships are hard." (or were they? I'd never been in one) "Well. This is really, really bad. So bad." "I'm sorry, Ernie." "I'm going to close up a little early....let's go out for a beer. Nobody's waiting for me now. She's moving her shit out right now." "Sure. I'll do the rounds. Just go sit and relax." I cleaned up, turned off everything and took out the trash. Double-checked the kitchen and locked the back door. I took my time because I figured he needed a little time alone. I came from behind the counter and saw Ernie with his face in his hands. He was sobbing. I couldn't help myself -- I just instinctively hugged him. His build was harder and stronger than I imagined. He hugged back and cried on my shirt. It took all my willpower not to kiss him. He was straight and just lost his partner. I decided to treat him like a son. He needed a friend, not a gay kiss. "I hate that you're seeing this. HATE it! I've only ever wanted your respect." "You still have it, Ernie." "Let's go." We were very near a bar he knew of. He didn't want to back to his apartment just now. We were both in our Taco Ding uniforms. I guess we could have gone back to my place, but none of my clothes would have fit him. His round waist and stubby legs would not have fit well into any clothing I owned. We went less than three blocks up the quiet street to a Mexican bar and grill. It had a 'j' in the name. I never took Spanish in school....so I never knew how to pronounce things. It was dark, smokey and mostly dead. There were a couple of old guys at the bar and they all knew Ernie. They exchanged words in their language., and then we sat at a little table far away from the other customers. Ernesto went up to the bar and came back with a tray full of shot glasses. Tequila. That shit made me ill. Ugh. "Damn, Ernie. You're breaking the bank here. How much was all this? I want to pay half of it...at least." "It's cool. I used to work here and Mia is my mom's best friend. Can you believe she already heard about me and Emmy??!" "Small neighborhood." "You have no idea, farm boy." "So what DID happen?" He drained one glass and started in on the next. "Give me a minute and I'll fill you in." I hadn't touched mine. What I really wanted was a cigarette. I quit them when I first got my fancy job, but had slowly started liking them again. I always had one or two after a night at Taco Ding. I asked him if he minded if I smoked. "No. No. Not at all. Can I borrow one?" I don't want anybody reading this to get addicted to nicotine like I am, but I'll just say that it's a quick way to bond. I lit his cig like i was James Bond or something. I watched him never lose eye contact with me as I did it. Goddammit! -- I think I was falling in love with him! "Emilia and I have been together for two years. She took my virginity. She was way to good for me and always knew that. Puta. She started cheating on me right off the bat, but then so did I eventually. We shared the same bed, but not much sex. It's a close-knit area and I knew all about her boyfriends. What nobody knew was that I had boyfriends too! I was sleeping with men and women back then. You shocked?" "A little. Are you 'bi'?" "I guess. I don't really no what I am anymore." "Is that why she was mad?" "No," he said as he drained the rest of the shots. "She started feeling sick a week ago and thought she was pregnant. Took the test from the grocery store, but it showed negative. She was so certain she was pregnant that she went to the doctor and they tested her...." I held my breath "She didn't have a baby. But she had HIV." "Shit!" "So she blames me. And maybe I gave it to her....or maybe one of her other lovers did. That was the fight you saw. I'm pretty sure it was me, though. I had the night sweats so bad a few months ago and had a really bad cough. Remember those days you had to open? I was so sick then." I suddenly needed a shot, but all the glasses were empty. I just went up to the bar and Mia gave me two shots of whiskey and two shots of tequila. The food industry teaches you how to carry a lot of items at one time. I couldn't be in love with him, could I? Too late. He had sex with men....and I'd never even been kissed. I wanted to kiss his round, stubble-crowded face so bad. "But there are new treatments now, aren't there? New pills?" He looked at me strangely. Or drunkenly. He was trying to figure me out just I was staring at his huge brown eyes, long lashes and black facial hair. I was sitting in a Mexican bar with an HIV+ little guy that I was hopelessly in love with. I wanted to reach for his hand, but didn't...I let my eyes do the talking. He had to know what I was thinking. Had to. "I like you so much. It's not just the booze talking. I think you are scary smart and clean and beautiful...and I..." He was pretty drunk. I needed to get him home. I guided him out the door and back to the parking lot where our cars were. I probably needed to drive him home "No. I can't go back there right now. She might still be there..and she might be trashing the place. Can you please let me crash with you?" "Of course. My couch is super comfortable...and I've got extra blankets and pillows." "You are beautiful, baby. Mind if I lay down in he back seat?" "Not at all. Do you want the heat on? It's gotten kinda cool." No answer. He was passed out already. I was very careful driving. I'd had those shots and didn't want a DUI just now. I turned on the radio and focused on the road. Despite my concentration on driving safely, I started to think about my backseat passenger. Was he gay or bi? I had no clue he was anything but regular before tonight...my 'gaydar' is so broken. And the HIV? I felt like I was finally in love with someone and that someone had an incurable disease. We wouldn't be connecting or anything. I knew that much. I wanted a normal romance -- like in the movies. Oh well. The radio played an old E.L.O. song. I knew this song somehow. "Strange Magic". Seemed appropriate. I made it home safely. I was renting the house from an old lady who gave me a huge break on the rent because I looked like her grandson. She brought pies and we exchanged Christmas gifts. I was always late with my rent after getting laid off, but she never once bugged me about it. I helped my little buddy out of the car and guided him inside. He was out of it. He plopped on the couch. "This is a nice place. Are we gonna watch a movie? Your TV is bigger than mine." "Not tonight, Ernie. You need to sleep. How's your stomach? Do you need to throw up?" "No, Papi. I just need to rest for a minute." And then he was out. He didn't even get a chance to lay down. I did my best to position him horizontally on my couch. He was heavier than I imagined. I took his black gym shoes off for him and went to fetch some pillows and blankets out of my closet. I put a pillow under his head and covered him with a light blanket. I briefly thought about taking off all of his clothes, but that seemed wrong. A violation. I wanted to see his naked body, but I knew I'd be making a mistake if I betrayed his trust. I usually shower before bed so I don't have taco smells anymore, but I was tired and everything was weird now. I just went to bed and heard E.L.O. songs in my head. How did I know so many of them? I think it was from a roommate in college who played their music a lot. Strange Magic. I had this cool night light that changed colors gradually. All colors of the rainbow. I watched them all as I tried to drift off. I might have even started to dream when I jolted awake. I mad a man in my house! A very cool, sexy man. I told myself I was just being a good friend when I went out to check on him. He had taken off the rest of his clothes and was splayed across the couch. He still had his underwear on, though, and had one leg and one arm dragging on the floor. It was only my niceness that made me touch him..to get him more comfortable. Niceness. He was on his back, and I took a second or two to gaze at his slumbering self. His underwear had bigger bulge than I would have thought. He had cute little feet and the tiny toes were curled. The body hair pattern was a mystery, though. He had a ton of pubes sticking out from under his undies. It was thick across his stomach and upper thighs, but then stopped. It was if it had run out of ideas. I bet he had a hairy ass too. But I didn't check. Poor guy. So much had gone so wrong in his young life. I had to admire that he thought with his dick...went where it directed him. I'd used my brain so long -- and it got me exactly nowhere. I was certain I'd never sleep now, but I did. The nightlight was on a timer and had already shut off before I was aware that it was early morning. Very early....with little rays of pink light sneaking in behind the closed blinds. I forgot all about Ernie's near-naked body on my couch...a few yards away. I just turned over and hugged my pillow. I was barely in the the last chapter of a dream when I heard my door open. It was an old house and the frame wasn't quite aligned with the frame. It was Ernie. "Did I wake you? I didn't know it would make so much noise." I was as wide awake as I would be if somebody poured ice water on me. "No. I was mostly awake. How do you feel?" "A little dizzy. I gave us both the day off today -- so go back to sleep if you want. Mara can open without us. But...." "Yeah?" "Would you mind very much if I got in bed with you? Just to sleep? We can go out for breakfast later." "No problem. It's not a very big bed, but I can make roo,,," I'm pretty sure he figured he was already welcome because he hopped in before I even finished the sentence. He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and nuzzled his hairless chest like we were a married couple. His little brown nipples were erect. And, I couldn't be sure, but I think he had a boner. It was a vibe. "This is a very nice mattress. I bet you sleep like a baby here." "Yeah. Mostly. Sorry it's so small. You can stretch a little if you want." "Maybe later. Your couch is very nice too, and by the way, thank you for covering me with a blanket last night. I wasn't sleeping while did it, but kept my eyes closed. It was nice. Nice feeling you touch me and help me. I also know you looked at me. What did you think?" "That you are beautiful." Was I still dreaming? "No. No. I'm not. You are too lonely if you think I'm 'beautiful'." His voice was so nice and I loved how it vibrated beneath my ear. "Oh. I didn't look very long. I was just checking on you." "Are you awake somewhat? I need to ask you a question." "I'm awake." "Do you have condoms...rubbers? I'd really like to fuck you." "No." I actually did have some. They were under the bed. Dad had bought them for me as a joke when I went away to school. They were probably expired now. I just wanted to see where this would go. Did I want my first time to happen now? With my boss? Who had HIV? "Well. We can't do anything now. I've learned my lesson the hard way. But I need you to know that I want it. And...." "And...what?" "I'm a little bit of a freak. Dominant. Very freaky. There's all kinds of things we can do without me cumming in your ass." What? Huh? What was he used to? Guys more experienced than me, I guess. "Anything you want." "Say that one more time." "I'll do anything for you, Ernesto." "Good. Get out of bed and open the blinds a little. Let some light in." I did. The morning sky had gone from pink to pale, pale blue. "What else?" "Just take off your underwear and let me get comfortable. He stretched his stubby limbs out and basked in the new dawn light. "Now take off my underwear." I did. And his boner sprang upright. It was bigger than I would have ever imagined. He immediately started stroking the foreskin over his head, up and down. "You are so beautiful, Boss." "Yeah!" he stroked faster. "Call me that in bed. Just 'Ernie' everyplace else." I stood there and watched him jerk himself, and then he stood up too. "Now you lay down in the same way I was just laying." Oh. Damn, I had my own hard-on now. I imitated his position exactly. I felt vulnerable and slightly cold. He stood up on my bed and towered over me for a few seconds. I was happy just to see him beat off above me. This could be the end and I'd never forget it. But he came plummeting down and held his stubbly face right to mine. "Open your mouth!" I did. And he spit in it. Was this a thing? He did it twice more. "Swallow that dirty spit. And leave your mouth open. Stick out your tongue. Farther. Good." He stood up again and wiped the bottom of his foot across my tongue. This was also at thing? It must be, because it made him hornier and hornier. I did both feet and each hand. Sucking finger and toes. None of this was unpleasant...just weird. "I'm gonna go get a drink of water. Stay just like that." He left briefly and came right back...and promptly spit on me again. I didn't get that part of his freakiness, but my boner was raging. He then set his chunky ass on my face. Now THIS I liked. Thinking back, I'd probably checked out his butt out dozens of times at work. I kissed and tongued his hole. I forgot everything and just slurped. I wanted him to feel good. He turned around again and kissed me like a lover. I'd just had a taste of his ass and now he was ready to smooch?? I had so much to learn. He brought himself up higher on my chest and forced my head down on his fat dick. "Watch the teeth, Cabrone." He started in on more Spanish words as I kissed and sucked his penis. It was nice, but then he pinched my nose closed so I couldn't breathe. A dick in my mouth and no way to get air.... ? I thought I'd come right then. Never even imagined this. So hot. He knew I was getting close. "I need to cum. Want me to fuck you?" "Yes. I want your sperm in me, Boss." And then he spit on my face again. And slapped me. Hard. I must have given my arousal away because he did three more times. Slapping me like a naughty kid. Pain...but the good kind. "Just relax. I'm so ready to burst now. It won't take long. Don't scream. Hear me?" "Yes, SIR." "Yeah. Oh shit...I'm cumming...GODDAMN!' He shot a load right on my cheek. My own orgasm came right afterward. It must have shot out yards away because I didn't feel it land on me. "Damn. I wanted to give you this inside of you." "It's okay. Next time." "No. This time." He scooped his cum off of my face and worked it into my butt. Ow. He was tearing and scratching my rectum and saying more Spanish words. He was doing his best to impregnate me. It hurt, but it was also erotic...and memorable. We slept so late the next day. We took a shower together and he fucked me good and proper. He was so gentle and not at all freaky when he inseminated me the second time. Ernesto and I are both still together. I got hired by the company who bought my old place of employment. It was a good salary and both of us quit Taco Ding and moved to Cleveland. It was a good life. IS a good life. Don't ever forget how lucky you are.

Note: I write a lot of fictional short stories, but there was a time when I seriously tried to write poetry. I was actually not bad at it, but there was one poem I could never finish. It was about my fondness for shades of green in trees and the contrasts between bright, yellow sunshine, green leaves and deep shadows. I gave up on that poem. And now I'm using it to start a story. We'll see how it goes. mid-70's I grew up in the middle of nowhere. Picture 'nowhere' in your head and then picture a place more isolated than that. I was the only child of a farmer. My dad raised cattle and wheat in a Midwestern state in the middle of the country. Mom worked for a hospital in the nearest town (twenty miles away) and Dad was always busy doing his farm stuff which didn't interest me at all. Once I learned to tide a bike, I was free to go all over the area with no supervision. I rarely even saw a person or even a vehicle on my journeys. The slow, rolling prairie hills and fields were beautiful. My dad also had pastures which had their own treasures. Early on, I used to spend all my Summer days wandering along the pasture's dry creek bed. I especially liked the weeping willow trees that grew near the edges. They were easy to climb and seemed to have personalities. I dreamed up adventures and movie ideas beneath the lazy shade of my favorite willow. I'd sing pop songs I'd heard on the radio. "Love Will Keep Us Together" was my favorite then. I thought I could be a singer back then. (I'm a terrible singer as it turns out) In the fourth grade, our cranky teacher would set aside a half hour a day to read to us from a book -- even though we all knew how to read already. I completely tuned out when she read "Black Beauty", but "The Chronicles of Narnia" was riveting. I don't remember much about it now -- except that some kids had found a magical world in the back of a closet. I didn't believe in Santa at that point, but I still mostly believed in magic and hidden worlds. I wanted to find my own, and what better place to look than the fascinating pasture? Books and movies back then promised kids that there was something fantastic just beyond what we saw normally. I looked and hoped and wished. Magic was hiding too well for me to find it. Fast forward a few years....when I suddenly knew I was not regular. I talked different and acted different than other boys. And I looked at the men's pajama pages in my mom's Sears catalog too often. There were no names or words for what I was. I stayed quiet and waited for answers to come to me. A few years later, another farm boy showed me porn magazines he'd found in his Dad's stash. I tried to be as enamored with the little cuts naked women had between their legs, but couldn't stand to look at them too long. Boobs were okay...I didn't mind breasts as much, but they didn't excite me like they did Mitch. I couldn't even begin to imagine where his dad had bought these magazines. I was about 12 years old when my neighbor buddy showed me a magazine that had a photo story called "Horny Trucker". It was about a truck driver who picks up some hot chick who was hitchhiking in a bikini. The photos showed his long, floppy penis hanging out of his jeans. A real dick! A man dick! The night after I saw that, I masturbated for the first time. I didn't have any body hair at the time, but there must have been some testosterone hidden somewhere because I had an orgasm. It surprised and scared me. My parents never told me about how babies were made, but I figured it all out. My dad had done this inside my mom to make me. That was too bizarre to even think about. Once I got the hang of it, I masturbated constantly, thinking of that horny trucker. What if he did what I was doing now...in my mouth? I was guessing I'd love it. Just as I became a teen, my mom got really sick. Nobody told me any details, but I gathered she had cancer in her uterus. She had some operations...one after another. The minister from our church came to the house to pray with us. And then she was gone. I was so shocked I don't think I even cried until months later. Me and Dad. All on our own. Before long, I was a senior in high school and looking at going to go to college somewhere. I loved the lonely rural life, but there was no future for me there. I had to go somewhere else to become an adult. I went to a community college a little less than hour from my father. I needed to stick close to Dad to take care of him. On breaks, I would stay with him...even though the slightly urban life I was living was an entirely new brand of fascination that the country didn't have. I still looked about twelve years old, but had decided that it was because I'd grown up around poisonous pesticides and herbicides. When you look at a really green crop field, you're looking at a lot of chemicals. It had probably killed my mom and was probably the reason. my dad had been in bad health lately. He was losing weight and not looking too rugged anymore. Chemicals had damaged all of us. This is already going on too long, so I'll speed things up a bit. Dad died of bone cancer. He went fast, and in a comfy hospital bed. I had to quit school so I could handle everything. One of his farmer pals helped me figure out the next steps. He was buried next to my mom. On a farm, you have an auction instead of an 'estate sale'. His trucks and tractors and combines and land and house were all going to go to the highest bidders. Life is a gyp. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. The day before the big auction, I slept in my old bed for probably the last time. I got up and went to the pasture where there used to be cattle grazing. It had been a wet Spring, and the creek was still mostly full. It was so bright and beautiful out here....so how could people be dying? I found my favorite willow and marveled at much bigger it was now. I loved trees. I loved how the greens overlapped and made dark green -- going into black. I remembered coming out here to beat off. I remember hoping to see some magic. Hoping to see the horny trucker with his dick out just for me. I laughed at my kid self who was not all that distant from my 18 year old self. The creek took a crooked turn before the end of the property. And then I saw a naked man. No really. A naked hippie-looking man was sloshing through the water and seemed to be searching for something. What the fuck? I just stood and watched. He was tall and lean and pretty hairy. His dick was soft and not big at all. He wasn't the horny trucker, but I'm fairly certain he was for real. Had I found Narnia? He finally saw me and didn't seem the least bit embarrassed at his nakedness. "Oh Hi. Who are you?" "I'm Todd. This is my dad's land." "Sorry. I wasn't doing anything. My partner and I moved into the old Gilke house..right over there. I come over here and look for fossils...and limestone is full of them. Did you know that a million years ago, this whole state was covered with about four inches of ocean water?" I did know that. So a naked man who knew about fossils was standing before me. "Yeah. Find any good ones?" "Not yet. I been trying to pull up rocks from the bottom and toss them out to look at later.So I guess I'm disturbing things. Sorry. I'll leave." "It's fine. He just died and all of this will belong to somebody else tomorrow." He got all the way out and came over to me, dripping and still naked. "Damn. Marvin? I liked him. He gave us a pumpkin from his garden last year. You look a little like him. I'm so sorry." And then a damp naked hippy was hugging me in my late father's pasture. Life's not always a gyp, I guess. "He went peacefully. It's OK. I'm OK." "Let me find my shoes. Hold on." He sauntered away a few feet and found his sandals. I got a chance to see his hairy ass. I'd never taken time to notice the beauty of a man's butt before -- I was too focused on their dongs. I felt my nipples get hard. Was that normal? It had never happened before. Were guys supposed to get nipple sensation? I had to be thankful I had on a fairly thick shirt. I'd only packed dressy clothes for this trip because of the funeral and the meetings with bankers and morticians. The hippy had only brought sandals. No clothing. "That's what I love about this area...you don't gotta wear clothes when you go outside." "Where are you from?" "Come walk with me. Let's get out of the sun." He gently took my arm. Did I imagine it? I think his dick was getting a little fuller and thicker. Mine was completely hard -- like it always was those days. We wandered on down to the barbed wire fence that separated Dad's property from the lush wheat field next to it. There were a bunch of mulberry trees here. I used to pick them and feed them to the box turtles I kept as pets. So long ago. His penis was getting harder as we found a shady spot under one of the trees. "I remember these trees as being much smaller when I saw them last." "Fucking love trees, man. You guys have some great trees around here. The cottonwoods are my favorite. They're huge. Wanna a smoke with me?" He had a joint in his hand....from where? He had no pockets. "Sure. Thanks." I knew kids at school had got high. I tried smoking it like a cigarette, but the hippy instructed me on how to correctly do it. "There's a mystical quality about this land. My partner and I are originally from San Fran, but it got too hectic. We decided to drive to the Florida and find a beach somewhere. Of course the damn car broke down right up highway 50...gaskets are rings or something. We just ended up staying. Let's sit." "There's berries on the ground." I felt stupid for saying that....he wasn't wearing any clothes. I had on black dress pants, but I guess I had no more funerals to go to -- so fuck it. I plopped down. I was nearly eye level with his engorged dick. Damn! He settled his bare ass down right on the dirt, kicked off his sandals and took a deep toke. Hippies. He looked down at his growing penis like it was the new topic of conversation. He didn't say anything. We just blew our clouds into the wind. For some reason, I wanted the wind to stop so our smoke would go into the bare blue sky and make puffy clouds. I guess this what was "stoned" felt like. Nice. It was Narnia. "How old are you?" "I'll turn 19 in a few months." "Wow. I'm fifteen years older than you. I've seen and done too much. I had some good times. You don't mind if I jerk off do you? Weed always makes me horny," Shit! "No. Go ahead. There's something about this land. I used to beat it here all the time." His dick was suddenly all the way stiff...and getting more red. "Well, stay back a little. My cum is lethal as hell. Don't get it near your eyes." "I bet it's fine." He started jerking faster. "Yeah? You think you'd like it? Maybe you're just stoned." I was fascinated by his masturbation. I wanted to kiss the head of his tool. "Maybe you don't even know about AIDS. Maybe you're just a stoned hick. Stay back from this." I stood up and undressed, threw all my dress clothes into the weeds. And then I knelt between his legs and took his hard dick in my mouth. He didn't protest in the slightest. He let me work my tongue up and down his veiny shaft. I swear I could feel his heartbeat against my lips. This was all new, but it's what I wanted to do. I tasted him...this pasture hippy. I took off my socks and was as naked as he was. "I'm a hick alright! Proudly so. And you're just a hairy bum from California...who trespasses." I said all that and lied down on the ground next to him. He'd stopped stroking, but his wiener was still stiff. So was mine. "OK. Keep sucking me." I did my best, but he was moving around and adjusting our positions. Suddenly I was on my back and looking up at the mulberry tree over us. I never had a word for what I loved about looking up at the leaves of a tree. Green over darker green over even darker green. And then black..black with traces of green. Was there a single word I could use? I thought about it until the hippy's cock hit me in the face as he was kneeling over me. I sucked it eagerly. I knew about AIDS. The thing that scared me the most was my family finding out I had it. Didn't have to worry about that anymore. "Get it good and wet. It's going in your ass next. Yeah, Slobber a little more, kiddo." My ass? His dick? I didn't think it was even possible. Then he lowered himself on top of me. He wasn't so damp any more. And his skin was burning hot. "Relax a little. That was hash we smoked...it's a bit intense. Don't freak out while we do this. I'm here for you." Hash? Like hash browns? I didn't quite.... ahh. He was kissing my neck and my ears. His long tongue was all over me. I felt like the dirt below was sucking me down into it. I was below the soil as he spread my legs and plunged deeply in one thrust. I felt it as pain, serious pain -- but I was down in the ground with the roots and earthworms. That pain was only a tiny part of me. The prairie absorbed me now...I was pure earth and he was planting a seed. I looked into his hairy face as he bucked violently. My butt was entirely full of him, but there was no pain any more. Just the purest pleasure ever. I never wanted this to end. But it ended with him cumming inside of me. Fast, fast, then....the furious chaos of his shot inside of me. Seed had been planted. I wanted to stay here forever. "Shit...you're bleeding like crazy down there. Let as much as you can here. It's good for the grass. I can take you back to my place if you want." I declined. I felt instant guilt and shame. And the ground kept pulling me down. I got dressed and walked in a zigzag pattern towards the only home I'd ever known. I could shower there and sleep there. For one more night. I finally went back to school the next year.I got a few inches taller, my voice got deeper and body hair appeared. And I was HIV+. I was finally an adult. Finally a man.

He would not know...probably. There are no nerve endings inside the rectum, only the anus itself. I base this on things I've read here. If he was adamant about the condom he would reach to feel if you were still wearing one. You're fine. You went with the moment and so did he.

This is essentially another BZ member's story. PissPigBrooklyn sent me his true story and I just expanded it and added some details I'd imagined. You may disagree after reading this, but I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with me. I just wanted HIV, and had been trying to convert for a long period of time. Why? It was one of my many fetishes, but I'd more or less given up when I met an old acquaintance at an art gallery opening. He had actually been a former escort i had engaged. (It's yet another fetish.) I remarked on how much weight he had lost and he said well he was likely to lose even more. I knew why and asked if he was on meds. He shrugged. I asked if he had it when we fucked a few (about 4 or so years earlier_. He said no, not to worry. I said too bad. He pulled me aside and undid his pants showing me a biohazard tat on his hip. I traced it rather longingly and he put me on my knees where i traced it with my tongue (never told anybody this part and we were only a few feet from the crowd at the exhibit barely hidden.). He looked at me with interested eyes and asked "Really? You chasing?" "Like a hound after a fox," I said using the first cliche that came to mind. He said that he had a pretty high viral already when tested two months before and that he was sure he could do something about that. I could feel my breathing starting to change to shorter pants. "What did you have in mind?" I thought immediately of a friend who was also chasing and told Bill how we had been planning a conversion party but had only been able to find one, maybe two guys to do the deed for the two if us. In that full crowded room, Bill took my hand and guided it to the crotch of his pants. He was rock hard! "I'm in" he said. "You sure are," I responded. The following day I contacted my friend and we began to make immediate plans for the party. We had two more guys besides Bill interested in it and within two days and thanks to a Craig's List posting, another guy seemed really interested in it. We set a date and I rented a room at a midtown hotel. Of course things began to go wrong immediately. Two of the guys cancelled, including the Craig's List guy and a subsequent ad yielded no true results. I had begun to give up hope when I called Bill with the last postponement. He had been very patient through almost a month and a half of waiting saying not to worry, his viral load was probably only climbing higher (it had been 350k three months before) Bill said he would wait but was scheduled to leave town right after Thanksgiving. This was in late October. he offered to do me alone by himself. I said that if something didn't happen by Thanksgiving, we would. Suddenly things began to fall into place. One of the people who had backed out was suddenly available again and another friend of the other bottom had agreed to go off meds in order to top at the party. Now THAT is a real friend! There were now four tops and two bottoms. We scheduled it for the day after Thanksgiving! Black Friday indeed. Everyone including Bill was happy. Maybe he expected to get paid for this -- but I was already stretching my budget with renting a hotel room in midtown. Hell....if I got what I wanted, I'd pay the man. He was very European, foreign-looking. I'll describe him as an Italian Mick Jagger if you need a mental picture. That Friday arrived and I couldn't eat anything. My heart raced and I felt a little dizzy at times. Nerves. I was definitely not having second thoughts because I'd been wanting this so long. I was energized with excitement and anticipation. The hotel wasn't what you'd call 'plush', but it nice and roomy. There were two Queen-sized beds and eight pillows. It already smelled nice, but I lit a scented candle I'd been given as a gift by somebody in my family. It made a nice glow as the sun began to get lower in the sky. My chaser buddy came to the room first. I could tell he'd been drinking a little, and I wondered why I hadn't brought some booze to this thing. Whatever...we could just raid the minibar if needed. In fact, I needed a shot of something right that second. My friend and I each had a couple of drinks before that first knock at the door. It was Bill, looking hot as ever. He even had cologne on. He looked around the room and decided it would work. "How many others are coming?" He asked. "There will be six total. Want a drink?" "I'm good for now. Maybe later. The candle is nice -- what's the smell?" I'd completely forgotten. In the next fifteen minutes, all the other tops had arrived. I was really uncertain as to how this should get started, but Bill just stripped bare. I guess that was good as an ice-breaker as any. I got naked and then so did the rest. My buddy had already picked out the dick he wanted and the two of them went at it. I could see the top guys bony ass pumping up and down into my lucky pal. He was going to get it for sure.. I'd already promised Bill the first fuck, and he moved in close to me. I think the part of all of this was how much heat his naked body gave off. He was maybe feverish or just energized by lust. He felt hot to the touch. I wanted to be burned. He was taller than me, but much lighter, and still took me over quickly. I was on my back with him forcing his way into me. He entered me slowly, using just some gun oil. The other tops were fooling around with each other and one of them lit up a joint. Shit -- I'd have to pay extra for that because this was a non-smoking room. I didn't care. I'd take out a second mortgage on my house for the sensations I was having. As Bill found his way inside of me, deeper and deeper, he started talking in a low growling voice... "You're going to take my dirty seed and make it part of you. Understand?" I was in pure heaven. The world could end now. "Yeah." "It's going to be with you forever. You'd better be sure because there's no turning back. You fucking sure you're ready?" I realized I could change my mind. He was giving me choice. At that second I decided once and for all that I was chasing HIV and not just fantasizing. This was real. So I quietly reassured him. "Yes. Fuck me hard and deep. Fill me with your toxic seed. I surrender to it." Well, I didn't have to say any of that because he announced he was shooting his death load...and telling me how sick I would become. I shot a load just as he was pulling his soft dick out. I tried to remember everything about the moment...the smells, shadows and sounds. I'd wanted this too long to ever forget it. The other tops fucked me, but they weren't as talented as Bill...especially with the poz talk. One of them didn't say anything, and the others just said generic things like "Take this dirty bug" and "Death is beautiful". It all felt good, but I missed Bill's penis in me. We went at it one last time, but is was easier and slower. His body was so heated...he must have a fever. Then the party disbanded. My friend I had a celebratory drink and then fell into an exhausted sleep. Bliss. I got the expected 'fuck flu' in early January and tested poz the next week. Happy Ending.

I had a pretty ideal childhood. It was perfect in my memory up until the age of 11 -- when I started to notice there was was something 'funny' about me. My friend Pete told me I acted like a girl sometimes. And talked like one. I knew it was true and I also noticed that I noticed the hairy lifeguard at the pool more than I noticed the bobbing boobs in the water. This was bad. I shut down because I needed time to figure this out. I never talked if possible. I avoided Pete and my other friends. I also avoided my parents. They were concerned that I spent all my time alone I needed time to think. My dad suddenly got very attentive, and he wanted to do stuff together with me. I really couldn't refuse or they'd send me to a doctor or something. We played catch, we went to the arcade and I did my best to make him think I was enjoying it. But I remained quiet and never talked. The dark circles formed under my eyes. They got darker and darker. There was a song on the radio that I'd heard about a 'lonesome loser'. That was my persona; theme sing. So many songs spoke directly to me once after I turned twelve. It's something that doesn't happen once you're older. So I mainly stayed alone in my room and listened to the radio. The 80's were at their cheesiest back then. I was obsessed with about five different songs. I wasn't allowed to lock my door back then, and my parents could barge in any time they wanted. My mom burst in once during that Summer and insisted I go outdoors. "It's so beautiful outside. Your father is in the backyard doing some work and you should go help him. You've had enough radio for one day." sigh I found my dad digging or planting or something. Weeding, maybe. I stood next to him wordlessly until he noticed me. "Oh hi! It's nice to see you. You need some sun, William. Go rinse of this spade off and then I've got a surprise for you." I carried the implement over to the faucet and cleaned it. I realize now that the smell of water coming from an outdoor spigot in the Summer is delicious. It's warm at first and then gets colder. I can still smell it now. Well, my 'surprise' was a whole bunch of fresh plywood he'd just bought from the hardware store. He had decided we were going to build a tree house together. ?? Huh? I was going to be a teenager in less than a year. Did he really think I was going to hang out in a damn tree house? He was so excited that I didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't really want to do this. He was a kind man and only wanted me to be with him more. I was a little jerk, a lonesome loser, but I couldn't hurt his feelings. There was a trace of human left inside of me somehow. He had decided the giant hickory tree would be the best place to build it. It was an old tree that, looking back, seemed to just beg for a tree house. It had a low wide trunk and the branches spread out in such a way as to allow space for something to be built in there. So we built a tree house over the course of two days. Possibly three. When I say "we" I mostly mean "he". I fetched nails and things from the garage when he needed them, but Dad did all the work. Even our retired neighbor -- a widower named Hal came over and did more work than I did. "Almost done. We'll get shingles for the roof eventually. Maybe your mom will give us a rug and a chair for the inside. It's big enough for you to even bring your sleeping bag in there....not that we'll let you do that without some discussion. You know your mother." Suddenly I liked the idea of my own separate place away from them. I now embraced the concept of a tree house. After he waterproofed it and made double sure it was securely stable, I could go in it. Sweet! I made it into my second room...a second place to hide. I ultimately had a table and chair there...along with a rug and some old pillows. It was a perfect space for me to escape. Of course I brought out my radio. My aunt had bought me a "boom box" for my birthday. It was so huge and ate up D batteries like crazy, but the sound was good. I would wake up early in the morning and go to my escape place to spend the whole day listening to music and daydreaming. I guess my parents thought that I'd be having a bunch of friends over to play pirates or something. I only went inside to go to the bathroom or refill my plastic jug with Pepsi. Then one day, a few weeks before school started, I had a visitor to my private tree space, It was my old friend Pete, "Hi, Will. Your mom invited me to "come play". As if we even "play" anymore." Pete had gotten taller and seemed more adult. I was just a kid and everybody around me was growing up. "Yeah, She's lame. I know. Do you like this station?" There was a Duran Duran song on. "104.1? No way. I like real music. Only girls listen to that shit. I like 99.8. Speaking of girls, look what I have..." He pulled out a porno magazine from the back of his shirt, It must have been uncomfortable to walk with that jammed into the waistband of his Lee jeans. I didn't change the station because my favorite Cyndi Lauper song was playing. I really liked her. Porn? Pete? It didn't match. But he'd changed so much. He almost had facial hair. "My dad has tons of these in the house. He must really like to beat his meat." "Do what?" "He jerks off. It's called a bunch of things. You've never done it?" "Do WHAT??" "You rub your dick up and down until the stuff comes out. My bother does it too." "How do you do it?" "Well, I can show you. It's not gay if I just show you." Pete found the centerfold. The model was obviously an adult woman, but she was dressed like a little girl. She also slightly resembled a girl at our school that every guy had a crush on. She got boobs in the fifth grade and was extremely athletic. She played all the sports and taught tennis during the Summer. He unzipped right there in front of me and started to fondle his private parts. I couldn't believe it. I tried to make sense out of what he was doing, but it was all just too bizarre to comprehend. He kept going and before long, he stopped and some milky stuff came flying out of his little wiener. He quickly sipped back up and suddenly looked a little embarrassed. He told me to try it and I was horrified at the idea. Interested but still horrified. I had a million thoughts and a million things to say, but right about then my mom came out to ask if we wanted ice cream sandwiches. We declined and waited until she went back to the house. "I gotta go. Want me to leave you this.? My dad will never know it's missing." "Nah. Maybe. No." "OK. I'll bring another one next time." He climbed down and I was alone again. Alone with all these crazy new thoughts. That night at dinner, I could barely eat and didn't say a word. Parents exchanged glances. "It nice to see Pete again. He's grown so much. Well, you both have. Did you two have fun?", she asked. "Yeah." "I can take you guys to the pool tomorrow. Or you could rife your bikes. You haven't ridden that bike in forever." She needed something. My silent dad did too. They wanted a normal son and I wanted them to not want that. "Maybe. Thanks." That was enough. No way could I go back to the pool. Knowing what I did about my body and seeing that hot lifeguard would just be way too overwhelming. I went back to my tree house and listened to the radio until almost midnight. I went to bed and made a few attempts to 'beat my meat'. It wasn't happening. All I could picture was that she-girl and Pete's little dick. I was not inspired. Horny. but not enough for this. I somehow fell asleep and dreamed about the lifeguard screwing some woman who was dressed as a little girl. The long Summer days rolled along and the only thing I did was listen to the radio. Pete came by about once a week. He always brought a new nudie magazine and I always pretended to like the pictures. Vaginas were just gross. God only knows what was up in those things. Pete never masturbated in front of me again. He told me about this 7th grade girl that had let him feel her boobs. And then one day he brought over a new magazine called "Club". There men in it. Sure, they were always soft and there was always a naked woman there too, but at last I got to see a penis!! There was one series of pics about a trucker picking up a hitchhiking woman and they made out in his truck. He had a huge hairy dick and big red balls. That's when I felt something. I wanted the trucker. "This is good one. Can I keep it?" "Why? What is it about this one? You never wanted to keep any of the other magazines?" "I--I just like this one." "Yeah. I'll let you keep it. But you have to tell me why first. Is it because there are dudes in it? You like dicks, right? I guessed that a long time ago." "What? No! I just...." "You're just a gay. Everybody knows it. I'm not a gay, but my brother might be one. It's okay. I'll bring over some of my dad's "Hustler"s. There's always guys in that." "Uh..." "I'll come by tomorrow and give you some magazines with dicks. But then I'm not going to visit anymore. I like you, but I don't want to be around you so much. It feels weird. No offense." I closed my eyes and nodded. I knew what I was and so did the whole world, apparently. I sat there and listened to David Bowie sing about his little China girl. It was the middle of Summer. I'd never be the same after today. Never. I successfully ejaculated that night and every night after that. But during the day, I just sat in the tree house, listened to music and wondered what the hell was next. Once school started, I'd say 'hi' to Pete. but he was always out of it. He'd somehow fallen into the stoner crowd. Just like his older brother. He smoked now and would sometimes give off booze fumes. I had no friends left in the whole world. It stayed that way in high school. I just kept beating off. listening to the peak of new wave pop. And getting stoned. Weed was surprisingly easy to get in my little town. Pete gave me my first joint when he dropped off a load of mags and then never visited again. At school. we were just polite classmates now. Fine. I was too weird anyway. I was a committed loner and childhood friendships didn't mean a thing anymore. I spent long days and nights in the tree house. Hair bands had taken over the radio...pretend rockers with identical looks. I heard the music change and the playlists mutate while I blissed-out on an herbal cloud. By the time I got to college, grunge had entered with "Smells Like Teen Spirit". I bought the cassette and played it endlessly. It was music meant for ME. I even liked the copycat bands. My dorm roommate moved out when I wouldn't talk to him and blared my music. I had the place to myself which was good because I hadn't learned how to be social or considerate yet. It's everyone else with a problem...not me. I was just doing my thing. My adviser suggested I be an English major and I simply shrugged and went with that. I read so many books and wrote so many papers. I was acing all the classes and even some electives like "History of Photography". I was a deep thinker (or so I told myself) and none of the homework interfered with my isolated stoner life. And then reality rudely moved in. Mom was sick. Dad called me and said my mom collapsed in a store. Turns out her kidneys were failing. And she had crippling back pain. "Can you come back home, William? She would appreciate it so much. She's on dialysis twice a week. Just get your finals over with and come home.Please." By the time I got through exams and made it back to my Nowhere town, Mom was way worse. Christmas was a week away and that woman loved Christmas. But the house looked like every other day. No tree, or stockings or anything. Turns out it was bone cancer and she'd never get better. She got smaller and thinner and then died in her sleep. But at least I got to kiss her cheek and hold her hand one last time. Poor lady. She deserved a better son than me. My dad couldn't handle it all and moved in with his brother - who lived in a town in the next county. I was on my own., alone in a silent house. I guess Dad had recovered enough to make all the arrangements. The funeral would be in three days. We got our first snow and it was cold out, but I went to the tree house to get super stoned. My radio was still there, but I didn't turn it on because the batteries were probably dead. Like Mom. I'd cried enough on the drive home, and now my eyes were dry. I had a Walkman back at the house, but before I could go grab it, I had a visitor. Pete. Never thought I'd see him again. "Hi. You okay? I heard about your mom." "Yeah. I'm okay. My dad split... I guess he'll come home before Saturday. He's a mess." "Yeah. I bet. Are you here alone? Damn. I'm so sorry." "I'm fine by myself." "Want some of this?", he said reaching into his pocket for a little bag of white powder. I knew what it was and what it looked like from TV. Cocaine. Sure. Whatever. We both snorted some, and my heart sped up. I also wanted to start talking....which I did. I told him about my isolation and cloaked gayness. I talked on and on and didn't stop. "I'm sorry for leaving you all alone back then. Those days were different. I got married. Did you know that? And then I got divorced. In four months. She was more of a coke-head than I am." "Wow." I didn't give a shit. really. I had my own issues to deal with and suddenly didn't feel like talking about it. We did a few more lines and I needed to stop because my heart was beating way too fast. Pete straightened himself up a little. "I was going to wait to tell you this, but...." "What?" "My older brother. He went to college like you did....but dropped out after a year. Drugs and stuff. He's living at home now. And he looks sick. Anyway -- I showed him your photo in the yearbook and told him...about.... some things. He wants to meet you. He might be your type. What do you think?" I motioned for his bag of coke. We did more and then split the remainder of my fat joint. "Is he home tonight? Tell him to come over." "Are you sure, Will? Your mom just died. He's gay for sure, but he's kinda sick. You do know there's a gay AIDS out there. He might have it." "No worries. I want to see him again." "OK." "Tell him to bring some 'D' batteries too. My boom box is dead. Tell him I need charging." Looking back, I can't believe I said that. But I did. There are no take-backs in life. I'd learn that soon. Not long after Pete left, I decided to take a nap. I had on a ski jacket and long pants. I slept for maybe a few minutes, imagining I heard the radio playing. No. I DID hear it. There was someone there with a flashlight. It was Pete's brother, Brice. The light hurt my eyes and I told him to shut it off. "Oh, Sorry. I didn't have any 'D' batteries, but I brought over my own boom box. Let your eyes adjust. It gives a nice glow in the dark." He was right. Once the flashlight was off, I felt better and could see more. His radio gave off a nice green glow that reminded me of something, but I couldn't think what it was. Something I'd seen on TV? "Brice? What time is it?" "It's a fine time. Mild Winter nights make me horny as hell. God, you've barely changed....you look like a kid still. Sorry about your mom, man." "Thanks. Pete said you're back at home, now. How's that?" I was waking completely and sitting up a little. "It's fine. Not like I got a choice. Pete said you home alone. Is that true? Let's go inside where it's warmer." "Sure. Bring your radio." I liked that green glow for some reason. We crunched our way through the dead leaves and frozen air. The house was a tomb. I turned up the heat and led Brice up to my room. He was a tall guy, much taller than the rest of his family. In the light, he looked thin and a little sick. Very pale. I knew what was coming next. "You got a night light or something? It's too bright in here." "I used to. Just turn on your boom box -- that'll give enough glow." He did. Donna Summer's song about her love flying across the sky was on. I liked that song. I made myself not lip-synch it as our eyes adjusted to the darker room. Brice was undressing....and I figured I should do the same. It was getting warmer. Or maybe just I was. He got under the covers with me, and I realized he'd taken off everything. I'd left my underwear and socks on. I took them off in the green glow. "You're my brother's age, right? You're 19?" Well, yeah.... "Yes. Why?" "I just don't need anything else on my record. We're going to fuck. Ready?" "Yes. I want that." "In about an hour...some friends of mine are coming over. They know who you are and want to plow your little ass. I left the door open. I hope that's okay because it's already done. Not like you have a choice." He was on top of me...in the bed I'd slept in as a teen and done my homework on top of. Brice was wild and maybe insane a little...it seemed like he was trying to devour me, or kill me. I felt his hard dick against my stomach. It was my first kiss, my first everything. I felt his hard dick on my stomach and really wanted to look at it. As if he'd read my mind, he scooted up and let it tower over my face, The greenish glow and the shadows made it look huge. This was way better than seeing soft members in magazines. Way, way better. The head of it looked wet...or maybe it was just the light. "I'm leaking pre-cum like a motherfucker...that almost never happens. Want a taste?" I didn't even have time to answer before he was poking that glistening head between my lips. The taste was new but as old as time. I loved it. He took my moans of satisfaction as his cue to push it further into my mouth. I loved it. I'd been imagining this act for so long. He pushed farther until I gagged a little. Then we found an agreeable place he could thrust in and out of. I sometimes wish I could turn off my brain and just go with the things my body was feeling. Pete said he was "sick" and I tried to get that thought out of my head. This was so nice. He stopped and pulled the dick away. "I don't want to cum just now. Ever eaten ass before?" "No. I've never done anything." "I'm clean, well -- clean-ish. If you don't like it, we can stop. I didn't like doing it myself. Not at first." He sat his bare ass right on my ass. I didn't know how I was supposed to 'eat' it, so I just kissed his cheeks and slid my tongue up and down between the crack. Without anything in my head except horniness, I pushed my tongue into his butt hole. He moaned and spread his buttocks apart more. My tongue and mouth overruled my brain and just went on pleasing him while I forgot all about breathing. "Goddamn -- you're a natural little bo --- ssshhh. I think the other guys are here. You don't mind if they watch, do you? I can make them stay out in the hall." "No...I don't mind." "Be right back." He got up and left my room, and then called to the strangers from the top of the stairs. They all filed in. Four or five of them maybe. Six? I couldn't tell. Janet Jackson was singing. All of my senses were turned up to the max. "You fellas get to see me take this kid's virginity. Good timing." Maybe he wanted to show off or something, but he got super demanding and he made his voice sound lower. He commanded me to put a pillow under my butt and spread my legs. I did as told. My brain told me this is how the gays were getting that disease, but I was beyond caring. He held my legs even farther apart, and tried to poke that beautiful cock into my ass. It was unbearable. "STOP!" I couldn't handle this. "Did anybody bring lube? He is so fucking tight." "Yeah. I brought a tube of KY. Mostly full." That voice was familiar somehow. Another guy said "Brice, you said he was a virgin. Why the hell didn't you bring some yourself? I brought some booze, but you owe me the next turn at his ass." "Deal." He worked the oil or whatever it was onto his erection and the poured some right onto my exposed hole. His big fingers were pushing it inside of me. That hurt too, but I muted my protests somehow. And then he pushed the head of his dick into me. I screamed again. One of the dudes turned up the radio and Paula Abdul was singing loudly as Brice held his hand over my mouth. He went slow, but never pulled out...just kept going. I'd agreed to this I guess. But DAMN -- it didn't feel sexy. He was all the way to his balls and stayed there for a few seconds. I adjusted and tried to enjoy it...I'd only ever wanted this. He started thrusting back and forth. This was fucking! I was fucking! He found a good rhythm we could both enjoy. The guys were murmuring among themselves. One of them said "You got two more lesions on your back, Brice." "Shut the fuck up, Andy. I'm about to knock him up...right....NOW! AH FUCK!" He must have cum. I wish I could say I felt it, but the pain and the pleasure and feel of his body were just so intense. I was no longer a virgin and probably not healthy anymore. Brice stayed still for a bit and panted. He got up and was soon replaced by Andy,the booze-bringer. He was shorter than Brice, but just as endowed. He'd been beating off and drinking. He offered me a sip from his bottle and I was glad for it. I have no idea what it was, but it made me cough. They all laughed. "Take one more sip. It gets better." He was right. He didn't bother with my mouth at all. Just fucked me with no attention paid to me as a person, It was so much easier this time around -- maybe because of all the sperm already in my hole or maybe I had just learned to handle it better. He was fast and didn't even tell me he was shooting his load inside of me. He just stood up and said "Done". I had a few more drinks from the bottle, which made me feel warm inside and out. I was a slut now. Maybe Andy was sick as well....he'd just swam in Brice's juices after all. "My turn." I knew that voice was familiar. It was the lifeguard from the pool...the guy I'd fantasized about all those years. He was as hairy as I remembered. Maybe not as muscular, but still beautiful. His dick was a bit smaller than the other two, but I honestly didn't care. He was my dream and he was going to fuck me. I completely enjoyed the sex this time. For one thing, he talked to me. He also kissed me and it felt like 'making love'. The sensation of his penis inside of me made me shudder as if I was cold. The world went away and it was just the two of us. "You never went off the high dive. Too scared? I saw you grow up and now I'm seeing you as a man. Ready for that final dive? I'm gonna cum. You'll never be afraid of anything now....uhhh. YEAH! I just took you to the deep end." He kissed me passionately. There were still guys there who wanted their turn. I obliged. Brice went at me again and so did the lifeguard (Tom). I woke up in his arms that next morning. He and I had a long-distance relationship after the funeral and after I went back to school. I made it home more often and we made all kinds of plans together. We were both poz and I really want to believe it was his strain that I carried inside of me. My lifeguard and I in the same club. We're both still alive and living in my old house with Dad. He's the one who keeps track of our medications and doctor's appointments. We're a family. My ideal childhood turned into an ideal life.

1993 How do you deal with being dumped, rejected? The 23 year old version of me didn't handle it well. I was immature and inexperienced and handled it all wrong. I got bitter. The Story: I met Craig on one of those personal ads you put on the phone. We're talking land-lines here. It was local and you paid a certain amount to record a description of yourself and what you were looking for, then you could listen for responses and delete them or call them back. It was very old school by today's standards. I got a reply from this guy with a sexy voice who made it a point to mention how big his dick was. Several times. Well of course I called him and we phone-chatted off and on for about a week. Once our schedules coincided, we met at gay country bar. I'd never been there, but he said it was a good place. So we met. He was a little goofy-looking and not someone I'd normally look at twice. He also had some really ill-advised tattoos that look like they were done by a beginner. But we talked and he was so nice and seemed honest. Plus his big dick was in the back of my mind. We ended up making out right there in the club, with all the guys in cowboy drag looking on. We ended up going back to his place around midnight. His dick was every bit as impressive as he said it was. I kissed and sucked that thing for a long time. He sucked me too, but he never got fully hard. I knew from having seen porn videos that guys with extra big penises sometimes just can't force enough blood into the shaft to get it erect. It was fun though. We ended up dating for awhile. I don't know if this goes on elsewhere in the country, but in my city's gay bar community there were semi-regular 'big dick contests' at the clubs. Endowed dudes would come out in their underwear and were judged by how much the audience applauded or hollered. The prize was usually a hundred bucks or less and Craig participated in every single one of them. He always wanted me to be there to cheer him on. I usually went even though I found the whole thing a little embarrassing. Craig never won. I could have told him that the tattoos on his torso were unappealing or I could have mentioned that his plain white jockey shorts didn't really highlight his package or that maybe he could go to the gym once or twice. He could have also tried to work up a bit of a chubby. But I did my part and made as much noise as I could -- even though people looked at me like I was an idiot. After his turn, he came out in sweats and sat with me to watch the rest of the contest. There was one hunk who I just knew was going to win. He had on a pair of boxer briefs that were probably two sizes too small. He was a big beast of a man with a beard and tons of body hair. Also he was erect. The audience went wild. I almost had to sit on my hands to keep from applauding. "I hate that guy," Craig muttered. "He's not that big when he's soft, but gets himself all worked up right before he goes out. Fraud. Show-off." Craig came in fourth. No prize for that. He drowned his sorrows in bottle after bottle of Bud Lite, cursing that guy again and again. I suggested we leave. "Yeah. Just let me go pee first." He got up and wobbled his way off to the restroom. I sat and waited. And waited. No way would he ditch me. I was his ride. But he had disappeared somewhere. I bought another beer and started to wander around. I almost walked right into Mr. First Place. Damn, he was hot. We held eye contact for a few seconds before I moved on to find my boyfriend. I found him alright....making out with a blonde college kid in a dark corner. OK. Fine. He was drunk and the kid was pretty cute. "OK, Craig. I'm leaving, Ready to go?" He had the decency to look embarrasses at least. He and the blonde made code with their eyes and I somehow knew they'd made plans to hook up. We were silent in the car and I didn't even turn off the engine when we got to his apartment building. I just went home. Why was I so bothered? It's not like we were in love, and I didn't really see a future for us. I think what bugged me the most is that he was more attracted to someone else. I thought I was a decent catch. I was too good for him and he couldn't even see that. So I didn't call him the next day or the day after. My phone stayed silent as well. So I guess that was that. I found myself getting bitter about it. Stupid goon with bad tattoos and a dysfunctional dick. I regret every cent and every second I had spent on our dates. Damn him for making me feel this way -- it was going to give me early wrinkles. Motherfucker. Months went by and I still wasn't over being rejected. I studied myself in the bathroom mirror. What needed improvement the most? I grew to hate how I looked. And then he called one random Saturday afternoon. "Hi. It's Craig. How you been?" "Great!" (lie) "There's another big dick contest at 'Trey's' tonight at 10. I need all the audience support I can get." Was he kidding? He had to be. "Sure. No problem," I said, surprising myself. "This one is going to be wild. It's a wet underwear contest. They pour water over your crotch to show your stuff off. Oh, and good news! That asshole who always wins -- Alan? , the one who always cheats and wins? I've heard from several people that he has AIDS! And he's already showing signs and was even hospitalized once. I stand a fighting chance this time!" Seriously? He considered it 'good news' that some man was terminally sick? I really had to wonder why I ever liked him. "Well, I'll be there. It's close enough I can just walk there. Good luck." click I thought I would be over it all the sudden. A really nasty person was out of my life. I guess rejection is enduring, though. All that day I plotted how to get revenge. I'd cheer for every contestant except him. I'd sit on my hands and let him listen to crickets after he was soaked. I decided I'd cheer loudest for his rival, Alan. Poor guy. Maybe I could teach my self how to whistle between my fingers in the next few hours. I decided to go early and get a seat up close so Craig could see me not support him. Bitterness and immaturity are a potent combination. Trey's was just a few blocks away and I never went unless I wanted to get too drunk to get behind a wheel. It was seedy and smoky and too dark -- even for a bar. I got there about 9. I could tell where the show was going to take place. A bunch of tables were circled around a little plastic wading pool. Guess who was already sitting at the front? Craig and his blonde. They were STILL together. Maybe he got prescribed some of those boner pills and was able to use his tool finally. I had to stay cool, but a strong drink would help. I ordered a very tall gin and tonic. I really had no choice but to sit with them. I needed to drink this fast. "Oh, hi Kevin. You're early. Wow. This is Jacob." The blonde extended a slender hand and said, "Nice to meet you, Kevin." I guess he didn't remember the first time we met, making out with my boyfriend. Maybe Craig doesn't remember either. I drained my drink fast. "Let me go get you guys fresh drinks and then I have to go backstage. Kevin, what he hell are you drinking? I usually see you having Bud Light." "Super tall gin and tonic...with a heavy pour." I looked around at the crowd that had started to gather. I guess they were all 'size queens' and they probably guessed the same about me. Jacob started to ask me something, but Craig came back with the drinks. "He said they don't have 'extra tall' glasses anymore, so I brought you two plain tall ones. Extra Pour. Here's your Sunset, Jacob. I gotta go now." What the hell was a 'sunset'? They quickly kissed each other and Craig walked off behind a curtain. I never even thanked him for buying me the drinks. This Jacob started talking again. His voice was feminine and scratchy. "How do you know Craig?" (We used to date until he cheated on me with you, you fucking twink) "Through friends," was all I said. "He's never mentioned you. We need to save the other seat. Craig invited everyone he knows to come cheer for him." I snort-laughed. That chair would most likely go unoccupied all night. "What's so funny?" "Oh nothing... I guess they just put way too much gin in these drinks. I'm feeling loopy. How's your sunset?" "Nice and sweet. Wanna try it?" God, no. I didn't even answer him. I was drunk enough to be rude at this point. I'm never rude. It's not my style. The show was starting. The lights went down and a spotlight landed on the wading pool area. If you can believe it, the blonde put his hand on my knee. Seriously? We were in an infinity loop of cheating all the sudden. I pulled my leg away. "What are you doing? Aren't you dating Craig?" "I don't love him or anything. It's almost over." Unbelievable. The two of them might not be i love..but they deserved each other. A drag queen was the MC for the night. Miss Dora was pretty entertaining. She got the crowd all riled up and in the mood to see some wet bulges. I finished drinking the first glass and started in on the second. The guys came from behind the curtain in nothing but their underwear and stood in the little kiddie pool while Miss Dora poured a full pitcher of warm water on their crotch. It was great. I clapped and cheered for all of them, but I think my favorite so far in the event was the chubby Young man who obviously gave no shits about what he looked like. He didn't get much audience support, but I thought he was awesome. And then Craig came out with a smirk, just thinking the night was his. His junk didn't look so bad when wet, but he didn't get much more approval than usual. His little Jacob screamed and clapped like mad, and kept nudging me to do the same. I stayed absolutely silent and still. "I'm going to tell him you didn't cheer for him. You're no friend." "And I'm going to tell him you felt me up. You're no boyfriend!" "Like I care. I'm already seeing someone else anyway." Of course he was. A little Italian guy came out and got the pour. His bulge was just okay, but most of the crowd reacted to his muscles and hairy chest. I thought he might even win. Then the famous Alan came out and he did indeed look a little different. He'd lost some weight and looked a few years older than the last time I'd seen him. He also had some little bruises on his legs and neck. He still looked great, just a little sick. His dick had not lost any weight at all. It was still huge and looked downright magnificent in wet undies. The audience went wild and even gave him a standing ovation. I cheered as loud as I could but couldn't do that whistling thing I wanted to. Didn't matter. He'd clearly won the night....again. I was going to say just that to Jacob, but he had vanished. Big surprise. Just one more guy came out to get drenched before Alan was announced the winner. He seemed humble and shy under the light as the drag queen riffed with him. This night could not have gone better. I stayed in my seat because I knew Craig would come back out to look for his blonde. He arrived, wearing the same sweats and tennis shoes he always did. "Well...I guess he got the sympathy vote. Wasn't counting on that. God, I hate him! Hey -- where's Jacob?" "I'm not sure. After he started touching me and I made him stop, he disappeared. I'm sure he's around here somewhere." "Are you being for real? He did that? I guess I'm not too shocked. He knows he's too good for me." "Oh stop. Maybe he just drank too much." "I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. You were so fun to be with." His hand reached out to touch mine. I stood up and went to the bar for another drink. It felt good rejecting him and making him feel like I'd been feeling for so long. The place had started to clear out. Trey's was not THE place to be on a Saturday night -- especially now that all the wet dicks were gone. I walked up and ordered another gin and tonic. "Put his drink on my tab," a deep voice said. It was Alan, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I didn't even see him there before. "Wow. Thanks." "No problem. First prize was a hundred dollar bar tab and I can't drink that on my own. Sit here -- we're gonna party." I couldn't believe it. If Craig saw me talking to him, it would drain the rest of my bitter venom away. Salvation! The bartender got distracted and forgot my drink. Oh well. I'd probably had enough. "Congratulations on the win. I cheered for you along with everyone else. I'm Kevin by the way." "Thanks. I'm Alan. Did that moron forget your drink? I'll get him over here. What you having?" "What are you drinking?" "It's a special cocktail only I can order. It's a tall glass of espresso and vodka. All the bartenders in town know I drink only that. It takes a long time to make." "Okay. I'll have one too and we can wait together. I'm fine for now." He ordered us his special drink and the bartender looked super annoyed. Alan took out a small pack of cigarettes and offered me one. "Thanks. I can't believe you smoke. You're so fit." "Yeah well, I used to live a very healthy, but now I am doing whatever I feel like doing. Caffeine and nicotine can't shorten my life anymore. Know what I mean?" "No. What do you mean?" "Seriously? Every body in town knows I've got the plague. You must not get out much." Before I could answer, our drinks arrived. I took a sip and it was awful. There were so many different parts of it that tasted bad. "Wow. That's pretty potent." "Really? I guess I drink so much coffee and vodka that I notice it. Sip slow and you'll grow to kine it more." I did like it more and more over time. Something about the taste of the concoction mixed with the taste of unfiltered cigarettes worked well together. We continued to drink and smoke and talk. And the he leaned over and kissed me on the lips. I was unprepared but eager for more. We full-on made out right there in front of the sparse crowd. "That was nice. Thanks Alan." "Did you seriously just thank me for kissing you?? Come on. I know a place where we can go." He stood up, grabbed me by the hand and led me away from the bar. We were walking through the bar, hand-in-hand like a couple. He was taller than me by about half a foot, and his hand was huge. Either the caffeine, nicotine, alcohol or lust made me dizzy. Possibly all four. We passed Craig who had been looking for his blonde. I smirked at him and the look on his face was priceless...a combination of shock and anger. I'd won. But at what price? A man with AIDS was taking me away somewhere to possibly have sex. Alan took me up to the back of the bar and opened a door that led up a long set of stairs. He let go of my hand and started up ahead of me. That's when I saw he was barefoot. "What happened to your shoes?" "Oh shit. I had sandals on, but they must have slipped off at the bar. It's okay...they'll still be there at closing time. Nobody is gong to steal a nasty old pair of size 15 sandals." We got to the top of the stairs and it was surprisingly well-lit. This was the DJ/sound booth. There was one nerdy guy there, sitting by himself. "Hey Junior - can my fella and I have this room for a little while?" "Well...I guess." "Go down and get yourself some top-shelf booze and have them put it on my tab. I've got at least fifty bucks left on it so you can drink as much as you want." "Wow. Thanks, Alan. Have fun." I couldn't help but notice that 'Junior' did everything he could to avoid making eye contact with me. He left. Alan took me in his arms and put his face near mine. "Where were we?" We had a long passionate kiss. It was possibly the most aroused I've ever felt. He pulled away and took off his jeans. He wasn't wearing anything under them and his glorious hard dick was right there within my reach. "I forgot to bring some dry underwear to change into after the contest." He took off his t-shirt and I marveled at the body hair. He was perfect in so many ways. Of course I also saw the bruises which under this light, looked more like burns. He must have seen where my eyes were going. "Want to touch one of them? They don't hurt." They were harder than the surrounding skin. Bumpy. "What happened?" "You really haven't heard about me? You are new." "What should have heard?" I was playing dumb. And being dumb. And.... "Well. You should have heard that I fuck like a beast and never use a rubber." I didn't answer. Just took off all my clothes and looked at him with pure desire in my eyes. "Maybe you should have also heard that I like a good blow job. Get down there." I got down on the floor and started french-kissing his prize-winning meat. I took as much of it in my mouth as possible. It took some effort and my technique probably wasn't the greatest, but Alan made some appreciative mutterings. Whenever he expressed pleasure, I continued to do what he obviously liked. My mouth stretched as far as it could and my lips were getting numb. "Get it good and wet. It's the only lube we got." I wondered if I could make him ejaculate with just oral. No. I needed way more practice. And then he had me pinned to the floor, breathing hard and grunting like an animal. No actual words were spoken. He hoisted my legs over his shoulders and started pushing that tool around between my cheeks. This was going to hurt. I knew it in the back of my mind, but I was looking at his handsome face and beautiful brown eyes. I'd never been so horny or aroused in my life. Reality set in when the head of his dick pushed through, tearing and ripping its way up my ass. My God! No way did guys like doing this. It felt like a fire bursting inside of me. I yelled out but his mouth soon covered mine. "Hush now, sweet baby. This won't take long if you relax and try to loosen up a little." "No! Stop for a second. I can't do this." "It's kinda late now...my precum is already swimming inside of you. Let's just finish." He kept kissing me and then talking dirty as his thrusts got deeper and faster. I adjusted to it and almost got a chance to enjoy it a little. But he suddenly stopped. "Ahhh.... there it is. There's your little gift from me to you. Let it sink in for a minute." "Thank you," I groaned. "That's twice you've thanked me tonight. Rest and recover there for a second. I'm gonna get dressed and go downstairs. Meet me down there." I was left alone there with a disease spreading through my body. Foul, tainted sperm. I'd lost one form of bitterness and then gained a more potent version that would kill me eventually. When I'd recovered and cleaned myself up a little, I went back down to the bar. The DJ was there but not Alan. Damn. I should have tried to please him more. "Is Alan here or did he leave?" "He just left. Did you at least get his number?" I reached down and grabbed his huge forgotten sandals. "No, but I got these." He just smiled sympathetically. My guess is that this had happened before. And it happened again and again. I scanned the gay news rag and went to all the big dick contests. Alan and I would do the same thing every time. Bitter drink, bitter smokes and bitter cum.

WARNING: Some graphic content 2003 My first boyfriend and I were not really getting along too well anymore. I met Jerome on a website which catered to kinky guys and barebackers. I had a fantasy about a guy cumming in my eyes because I'd read that it was dangerous. He ended up cumming in every hole I had. He was a poz gift-giver on a mission, while I was a young, new bug-chaser. We were together for almost a year and yet my HIV tests kept coming up negative. He took it hard, felt like a failure. I was fine with things. Maybe I was lucky or immune or something. Who knows? He suggested I take a fresh syringe of his blood and inject into my veins, but that didn't seem particularly sexy to me. And I hate needles. We continued to fuck raw for another month before we both decided it was time to call an end to the relationship we both knew had gone past its expiration date. I was upset at first...the man who took my virginity and was my first boyfriend was gone. I missed him. I missed his dick too. I was back to square one in my romantic life. At least we'd parted on friendly terms. We talked almost every other day. He'd successfully impregnated a guy a few weeks ago and that revived his ego quite a bit. He called me with his happy news. "Are you still looking to get knocked up?" "I guess I am. That's been my goal for a long time." "Well, I know a guy who has never failed at converting neg guys, He's probably not your type, though. He's not a good guy. Word has it that he fucks innocent teens -- like in high school. That ain't cool in my book. He is rude and mean. And he always smells like grease. His family owns a chicken restaurant and he works there all day." "Sounds like scum...can't wait to meet him!" "You're dedicated, alright. Give me some time and I'll set something up." A few days passed before Jerome called me back. "Ever been to 'Saturn'? It's not a great bar, but he goes there after work every night. I called him and told him about you. He seemed agreeable to meeting you." "When?" "Meet me there on Friday night at 10:00. He'll show up sometime around 11, but I need to prepare you for him first." I forgot to even ask what his name was. Or anything else. My life had gotten so boring with no sex that I was just glad for the semi-promise of adventure. When I first saw Jerome sitting alone at a table, my heart ached a little. He was so special to me for a year. He'd already ordered us a pitcher of domestic beer. I sat and glanced at my watch 10:13. "You're late. And I should have warned you not to wear a watch or anything else expensive. He'll rip you off." "But who is he? Tell me about him." "He's got some kind of foreign name that I can remember. He's Turkish and everybody calls him 'The Turk'". "Oh." "He wants people to call him 'The Big Turk', but he's not that big, actually. He tries to look tall and built, but he's fairly average in size. I trust you to be smart around him....mainly because he just walked in. Shit - he's early." And there was Big Turk. He was only a little taller than me, but he wore big, black leather boots and one of those leather hats that I'd only seen one of The Village People wear. He has fully leathered-out. He also had a black mustache and longish beard. We were in the patio area of the bar with the open night sky above us. This is where guys came to smoke or kid around with the bartender who was a bit of a character. Jerome waved him over to where we were sitting. Big Turk. "This the kid you told me about?" "Yeah. This is Greg. Cute, isn't he?" "Whatever. I gotta piss. Get me a Jack and Coke. Get one for him too." Jerome went up and did as he was told. I'd never tasted Jack Daniels before. I knew after the first sip that it was not to be chugged. "Oh--and another thing. He's completely bald on top and never takes the hat off. Shh. Here he comes." The Turk sat right next to me and drained his drink immediately. Damn. "I'll get the next round." He went to the bar and the bartender was all ready to serve him. Turk must be a bad motherfucker because I never saw him pay. Maybe he had a long-running tab here or something. "If he offers you a cigarette, take it and let him light it for you. That's a good sign. He and the bartender know each other pretty well. I saw them both at the bath house before they closed it. Both of them worked both sides of the sling...if you know what I mean." I kinda did. Big Turk returned and I now had two strong drinks in front of me. We sat and Jerome tried to get a conversation going. "How was work, Turk?" "Tips were fine, but I have had a boner all day and it ached because I had to push it up under my waistband. My feet hurt too." "Greg here is a writer." "Huh? What do you write, kid?" "Everything", I replied "Fiction, advertising copy, some long-form comic strips that I also draw." "Yeah, that's swell. Finish your drinks. You look like a fool with two full glasses in front of you," So I gulped the first one down. It hit my stomach like a bomb. "That's better. Want a smoke?" "That'd be great. Thanks, Big Turk." I wasn't a smoker, but knew how to fake it. The one he gave me was unfiltered. I stuck it in my mouth and let him light it. He almost smiled. Jerome stood up. "Well, guys...I think I should head out. Behave yourselves as much as possible. Greg, walk out with me?" "Sure. Excuse us, Big Turk." He nodded. As we went to the exit, Jerome grabbed my arm. "He must like you...or at least want to fuck you. Same thing, really. Just be careful how much you drink. And watch your drinks. He's been known to drug guys. He's a bad person, but if you really want the virus, he's got the one that's never failed to infect. Love you. Bye. Call me tomorrow." I got back to The Turk. "What took you so long?" "He and I used to date. We talked a little while. He's a good friend." "Yeah, yeah. I heard all about it. But his seed is weak, right? He couldn't get you pregnant." "That's correct. Can I have another cigarette?" We smoked and drank without talking too much more. His silence was kind of sexy. I was starting to like the Jack and Coke...and the cigarettes. I felt so relaxed and happy. Plus I had a boner. "Let's move up to the bar, kid." Turk stood up and led us to two empty stools. He and the bartender exchanged smiles. "Is he a friend of yours, Big Turk?" "James and I have known each other forever. You'll see how good a friend he is...soon. Go piss now and wash your hands. I'll hold your seat." I actually did have to pee, but how did he know? By the time I got back, Turk had ordered two more drinks plus shots. I'd be throwing up tonight. James the bartender was a tall, lanky guy wearing next to nothing. He wasn't sexy, but he was playful and fun. "Time for a toast!", James announced. Stupidly, I opened my mouth and asked a question. "What are we toasting?" "Closing time! I'm going to lock the door now." "But it's only midnight." "That's when the patio closes, dumb kid. That leaves just the three of us here. The fun is about to begin." When he finished locking up, James raised a shot glass a downed it fast. Turk and I did the same. "Hey Turk -- want me to show you the new cooler we just got? It's a good one. Bring your little pal." James unlocked a door back behind the bar and we went inside. It was just a bare concrete room with no cooler and no anything. Just a few boxes and some old plywood. The door locked behind us. It was weird, but I was feeling so good. "I gotta piss." James stood right above the little drain in the concrete floor and let it go. "He's got a nice dick, doesn't he?" Big Turk asked. "Yeah. But I but yours is nicer." That must have been the answer he wanted to hear because he flashed a perfect white smile at me. Jerome finished, but left his dick hanging out of his tiny shorts. "Hey, Turk. Think he'll suck me off?" "He will if he wants to leave here alive. Be patient. I want him to see some of the graffiti on these walls first." Huh? The walls looked pretty much untouched. "Look. Look closely." I turned to the wall and BAM! My forehead hit the wall. Damn, it hurt. I saw a flash of bright light behind my eyelids. "That was just a sneak peek at what will happen if you don't do exactly what I say. I was told you wanted my dirty cum." His accent was starting to get thicker. My pants and underwear were pulled down to my ankles. I was still facing the wall and feeling a lump swell on my forehead. "Not such a bad ass. Skinny, but not bad." I could hear him unzip and growl. He pinned me against the wall and drilled that cock between my butt cheeks. He just went right in -- no lube or anything. It was rape. I cried out a little and that made him more forceful. I knew if I shouted "Stop!", he'd just enjoy himself more. "No. Stop. It hurts too much!" "Yeahh. Nobody can hear you, little boy." He started speaking in his language. I could tell by the tone that he was getting close to unloading his cum. He shot so deep, that I didn't feel it go in. All I felt was pain. In my head and my ass. And I was still pressed face-first into the cod wall. I heard him zip back up. So that was it then. "You can turn around, kid. You're not done. James got a big hard-on from watching us. Look at it." The bartender was indeed super hard and beating off furiously. "Think he's ready for some more poison?", he asked. "Do whatever you want to the little fuck. I'm done." "Get over here, kiddo. I'm too far along to wait for your ass. I want to give you all kinds of surprises in your mouth!" I knelt before his shaft which was huge, swollen and bright red. I opened my mouth wide. He immediately inserted the fat head between my lips, pushed twice, and came. I savored the flavor. Then a splash hit me directly in the back. Big Turk was pissing on me! "Now he has to walk out of here with wet clothes. Stupid fuck." "Damn. Wish I'd saved some pee. He'll have plenty to remember us though." "Yeah. We've changed so many immune systems in this town." Big Turk was tired and done with me. James let us exit the patio section. I was alone again and missing Jerome so bad at that moment. He could get a little freaky, but I never felt bad about anything we'd done. I felt bad now. The infection worked. I tested positive for HIV several weeks later. Also gono. And I had herpes on my mouth. Happy Ending?

Count me in as a member of the pain club. Do your worst. Fists and feet turn me on. Only been with one guy who liked to punish me. Broke two of my ribs by kicking me as I was lying on the floor. Hot. I still think about it.

Lito Cruz, Dumbo, Peto Coast are all contenders...but Tyler Reed is my absolute favorite.

HOT! Would love to do that for you!

September, 1993 Rico was just one member of the oddball collection of friends I'd acquired since moving to a new city. I was starting out at the ground level of a big company. The pay wasn't great and I needed a cheap place to live. I landed in midtown which had a pretty large gay population. Even my apartment building was mostly gay. I was closeted, but not really isolated. I was open and social and made friends with lots of openly gay men...and some straight guys who seemed just on the verge of crossing over. I met Rico the morning I moved in. He saw me carrying a microwave oven and held the door open. He offered to help me carry stuff. I sensed he just wanted to snoop through my stuff, but was too grateful to complain. Rico was my age (23) and could best be described as a 'character'. He was a short Mexican-American guy who was kind of cute in his own weird way. He never stopped talking and often overshared stories about his life. Within a few hours of meeting him, I already knew he was chronically unemployed, a weed fanatic and HIV positive. He told me intimate details about himself like he was reading the day's horoscopes out loud. I liked that. I liked him. No sexual attraction whatsoever, but he'd be a good catch for somebody. He was extremely hairy and his body wasn't bad either. True, he was pretty 'compact', but he had a handsome face that was always slightly scruffy and he had incredible legs. He didn't go to a gym, but he had enormous calves and broad shoulders. Genetics are super kind to some people. We spent a lot of time together....mostly at my apartment because I had a nicer TV and stereo than he did. He'd bring over a few joints and I'd order pizza. Halloween was coming. and cable was showing a ton oh horror movies. We discovered we both liked watching films we'd already seen -- so we could talk and stuff. He was curious about me and wanted to know all about my life. He'd already figured out that I way gay, but wanted to find out why I'd never had a boyfriend or why I never went out. "Jesus, Bill...all you do is work and stay home. Want me to go find you a stud? What's your type? I know it's not me, sadly." "I just need to settle here first and figure some stuff out. I like you, Rico. You're a hot little guy and a great friend." "You just don't want to go to bed with me." "Nah. Sorry," "It's fine. I don't blame you for not wanting your first experience to be with a poz guy." "Wait. No. It's not even that...it's just. I like you so much. I don't want to ruin anything." "Yeah. Heard that one before." I felt terrible. "Sorry, man." "Don't worry about it. Let's get stoned and I'll tell you my good news." We got super baked and watched "Fright Night". "What's your good news?" "Oh. I forgot. I got a job! Temporary, but fun. I'm gonna work in one of the haunted houses downtown. There's like six of them open right now. I'm mostly behind the scenes, but it's money. Seasonal work is what's keeping my head above water." I didn't admit to him that I hated those places, The admission is always outrageously high and I'm no big fan of stuff jumping out at me. The startle effects are predictable and cheap. And there's always a line. I congratulated him and we started in on a second joint. "I work with one guy you'd probably like." he said, "He looks like a model and is very butch. Want me to fix you up?" I was so gone by that point. "Sure." "We have a run-through tomorrow. I'll start things moving." We watched about half of "The Omen" before I slipped into a deep sleep. The next day was a Friday. The office was always dead on Fridays. The other guys either didn't show up at all or took 'working from home' time. I liked the quiet. Rico called me around 3:30 and asked if I could leave early. He wanted to meet for a drink before he went to work at "The Gates of Hell" -- the biggest haunted house in the city. "Sure. I can leave right now. Where do you want to meet?" "There's a little pub called "Jazzy" right near your work. See you soon." I'd seen the place from the street many times, but never went in. It didn't look like a gay place, but who knows? Parking sucked. As soon as I got in the front door, I saw little Rico sitting at a nearby table. Next to him was a gorgeous man with the sharpest features possible for a human face. No way could he be some ghoul in a haunted house. I mean.... "BILL! Over here! We're having a few cocktails before clocking in.This is Jess. Sit." This Jess was too hot to be true. "Bill, Tom. Tom, Bill. So glad we got that out of the way." Rico pushed a tequila shot to me. "Hi. What do you do a The Gates of Hell?" Rico spoke for him. "Jess is a werewolf! The whole second floor is nothing but fog, trees and werewolves wandering around. If one of them grabs you, they take you to the third floor." "Sounds fun," I said. (not really) "I wanted him to see what you were wearing and what you looked like....So he could grab you first." "But I'm in my work clothes. I wanted to go home and change into something more casual. It's kind of warm." "Nah. It'll cool off as the sun goes down. Jess has to go now. He's the managers son and does a lot in Hell. I can stay for a little longer. Bye, Jess. See you later." He left. "Damn, Rico. You didn't let him get a single word out. He's cute, but I don't know what he's like." "He's the strong, silent sort. I thought you'd like that. I'm sure he'll talk when he's naked in your bed." We drank a little more. Not much, though. He had to work soon and I had to work my car out of the parking lot eventually. "Rico...I really should go home first. It's only five." "Rush hour. You'll get all agitated and bail on me. Stay here and play some pinball. Sip your drinks slowly and you'll be fine. Hell doesn't open for another hour. Look -they've got "Freeway" and "Addams Family" here. I even rolled a fatty if you want it. Smoke or drink yourself into a less-uptight mood. We're just down the hill from here." "But..." "Just get to the second floor. Your werewolf will find you. Have fun. Kiss kiss! Bye now." Rico left me with a fresh margarita on the rocks, a joint and a small stack of quarters. Well. fine. I could kill some time with two great pinball machines here. The Addams Family game was a favorite. I had a feel for it. I could wrack up so many free games and huge scores on it. I played and sipped my drink. Slowly. I kept playing and letting parts of my brain think about Jess. He was sexy and all, but I couldn't really imagine us as a couple. He didn't seem to have much to offer beyond his looks. Shit! It was already dark! I should go. I had about a five block walk down to what they call 'the River Bottom District". My car could stay where it was. I'd get it later somehow, I lit up the joint and smoked it openly as I strolled. There was a lot of weekend happening already, Then I was there..."The Gates of Hell.". My werewolf awaited inside.. Of course there was a line of impatient people. And of course there was a bible-thumper handing out pamphlets about the 'real' hell. I was mellow enough to just ignore him and wad up the scrap of paper I'd been handed. Rico showed up out of nowhere. "Sorry, Bill. I meant to give you a free pass beforehand. Come with me." He walked me right in the entrance which pissed a few waiting people off. "Thanks." "Anytime. I gotta run now. Remember - wander around the second floor for a bit and your werewolf will find you. Call me later." We had to go in a group of ten. The first floor was pretty much everything I expected -- skeletons and stuff jumping out of the walls. Girls screamed and guys laughed. Yawn. I'd seen all this shit before. At last it was time to go to the second floor. They'd really cranked up the fog machines here. It was supposed to look like a foggy forest. There were fake trees and twinkle lights on the ceiling. I figure I'd just wander around ... and wait. It wasn't long before a dude in a werewolf costume walked and stood next to me. I held my breath as he put two paws on my shoulders and led me away from my spot. "You're Jess, right?" Silence. I guess he was staying in character. He didn't take me to the next floor. Instead, we ended up in some kind of supply room. I saw boxes, pieces of a disassembled skeleton and a small row of lockers. OK. I was a little buzzed still and ready for anything. The werewolf stood silently for a few seconds and removed the top part of his costume. It wasn't the picturesque model -- it was Rico! What the fuck? "God, this mask stinks. So much bad breath and head sweat."r "Rico? What's going on? Where's Jess?" I wasn't as shocked or as disappointed as you might think. He'd done this on purpose. "Him? He's one of my boss's sons and married...to a woman. I gave him a bag of weed and used him to get you here. I gotta take this off -- I'm sweating like a pig." He took off the fur suit. He was wearing a tank t-shirt, shorts and no shoes. He was so hairy that he was still almost a wolf without the costume. I laughed. "What? Are you mad?" "No. I'm not mad. But why? What are we doing here?" He locked the door. "That depends on you, Tom. What would you like to do?" He got closer to me and I could smell his sweat, the rank of the costume and a hint of smoke. It was the most natural thing in the world when I kissed him. It was my first kiss. As usual, he had beard stubble, and I liked it. We hugged close and tight. He was soaked in sweat. "You're going to get my stink all over your nice work clothes," he said into my ear. Our hard-ons were telling him I didn't care. "Maybe I like it dirty." "How dirty?" "You're the expert on that, Rico. As soon as you tell me why you set all this up, I'll let you take charge." Pause "Because I've wanted you since the day I first saw you. I started loving you a week later. You said that dating would ruin our friendship, but unspoken love and desire would ruin it too." "You're right. It would. So....?" "I get to take charge now, right?" I nodded. He unzipped me and took my boner in his mouth. Another first for me. Of course he was good at it. I touched his sweaty black hair as he worked. When he stood back up, he said, "You're bigger than I guessed. I'd love for you to suck me too, but I need to shower first." "No way." I dropped to my knees and pulled down his shorts. His erection was short and thick, emerging from a massive amount of pubic hair. It was perfect. He seemed confused by how long I spent just looking at it. Maybe he'd figure out that this was my first time seeing a penis up-close and in person. "I wish it was bigger. Blame my parents." "It's beautiful. I love it because it's yours." I tasted it, then kissed it and finally sucked it. He said a few words in Spanish and grabbed the back of my head. He pulled away. "I'm going to strip. You do the same." I did. Shoes, socks, pants, everything. We were both naked and ready for anything. "What now, Rico?" "You don't mind sweat and smell. So I want you to lick my asshole. It's one of my favorite things in the world." That seemed gross to me, but he really wanted it, so.... "Bend over." He did and spread his ridiculously hairy ass cheeks apart. I hesitated for only half a second before diving right in there. I didn't know what I was doing, but kept using my mouth until he moaned. He liked me sliding my tongue into his rectum as far as I could. I was acquiring all kinds of new skills. "Ah shit! I'm going to cum soon." I stopped. I wanted to see his seed...or touch it or taste it. We separated and caught our breath. "I'm still in charge, right?" "Oh yes." "Can I fuck you?" I remembered his status. "Well..." "Just the tip of my dick. For a minute, and then we'll stop. I'll even put on a condom." "OK. You are in charge after all." He got up and rooted through the pockets of his shorts. "Shit! It must have fallen out into the costume." He didn't find it. "Sorry. But it'll be okay as long as I don't make you bleed. Still want to?" "Yes. Absolutely." I'd had time to weigh the consequences and decided it was all meant to be. I lied on my back. He climbed on top of me. So much hair. I loved the feeling of his compact body in full lust mode. I wrapped my arms around his back and let my fingers run through all the thick, sweaty fur. I knew a few girls from work who hated hairy backs on men. That just didn't make sense to me. He moved in and pushed my legs apart. A few seconds later he found the target. He pushed and I got a jolt of pain. "That was just the head, Tom. Let me feel it there for a little while and then we can stop. So nice and warm..." "Put a little more of it in." He did. And we both liked it so much that he kept going. I grabbed his ass and urged him on. Then he fucked me like a beast. Harder and faster. And faster. "I have to cum...I have to...AHHHH!!!!" He came in me and I was actually grateful. It was done and it was destiny. "Thank you." "You're not bleeding, are you?" "I don't think so." We stood up and he inspected my backside. "Oh no. You've got some drops of blood there." "It's fine, Rico. I love you. Put your costume back on and go finish your shift. I'm going home now. Come by my place when you're done." "Are you sure you love me?" "I've never been so sure of anything."