Toon

I knew a girl from work that was a total mystery to me. Rachel was quiet and usually depressed, but with a ton of friends. I liked her pretty well and she always threw parties in her quaint house. I could never turn down an invitation because she sat near me at the company and her feelings got hurt so easily. So I'd bring a bottle of wine, mingle a little usually drink A few beers. I was always amazed at the range of personalities that showed up at her gatherings. A perplexing mix of blue collar, white collar and always assorted weirdos. The common denominator was that they were all nice. A week before Valentine's Day Rachel threw another party. I was just getting over a bad cold and didn't think my immune system was quite prepared for all the shared air and handshakes, but I went. Huge crowd of assorted people. I talked to a few coworkers and some folks I recognized, but found myself looking at my watch. I just needed to stay long enough to be polite. I had a few taps from the keg and hung back, away from the crowd. As I turned to go to the bathroom, I ran right into a big barn of a man who was right behind me. I apologized and made my around him. "Wait. Don't you recognize me?" I looked at him. He was a large bear with dark brown hair and a beard, maybe early 40's. Not fat exactly, but certainly not thin either. Kind of cute and rugged. "Sorry. No. Have me met?" "Goddamn. I only played for your city's NFL team for a year. The 92'-93' season.' "I didn't live here then. I was still in school. So, wow -- you're a celebrity." "I was once. Only two people here tonight have known who I am. I'm still not used to being anonymous." "It's not so hard, I've spent most of my life being anonymous. Invisible. I'm a writer, and usually hide behind words. "A writer? You must be another person that works with Rachel, This group is too smart for me. I'm pretty dumb." "I doubt that. You have skill set that no one else here can even imagine. Look - I was headed to the john. I'll be back." "Hurry back." Inside the bathroom I wondered where in the world Rachel had met an ex-pro athlete. I knew her ex-husband was a sports fanatic, so maybe that was the connection. He was still in the same spot when I came back. He smiled and handed me a fresh cup of beer. "Thanks.I'm Terry, by the way." "No problem. You watch football at all?" "Just the college bowl games sometimes. Did you always want to be football player?" "No. I'm from Canada and hockey was always my game. I played it until I got to high school and couldn't find skates in my size anymore. So I tried football. I'm big and I like rough contact. I'm very physical and have a high threshold for pain." "Not me. I just got over a cold and a sinus infection. It was bad because I hate any kind of discomfort." "Got it. I'd much rather cause pain than suffer it." "Hmmm." Maybe this guy was a wife beater. "The couch is clear. Let's go sit there -- my knee is killing me." We went and sat. " I thought you liked pain? Did you suffer an injury?" "Among other things. My knee was wrecked two months into the season. I shot up so many painkillers and steroids that Fall. Certain kinds of pain are tolerable, but not if it never goes away. I was busted. And I was on thin ice anyway. Legal stuff. It's a long story." "I'm going to grab one more beer and call it a night." "Hold on. Let me go to the kitchen and fix us a real drink. Rachel's got some good whiskey." "I'll get it. Your knee hurts." "It's okay. I'm feeling better now. Stay here." He left me by myself on the couch. A few people were looking at me. He came back with two tall glasses of booze. "Whoa", I said "I don't think I can finish all this." "It's Saturday night. Sip it and relax. Ir will kill whatever's left of your cold virus." Well, okay. I didn't live very far from Rachel and could just walk home if I got too hammered. The drink was good. The thing about premium whiskey is that it doesn't burn going down. It just hits your stomach and a pleasure bomb explodes. "What kind of legal trouble were you into, Terry?" "Some of it was related to drugs, but most of it involved violence. I'm just now off of probation. Have some health issues too." "Hmmm." "What are you thinking? Do I scare you now?" "No." I really wasn't scared of this behemoth. I just felt so relaxed suddenly. "What's the worst pain you've ever felt?" "Me? Let me think. Probably the worst was when I was on junior high and broke my pinkie, playing basketball in P.E. Mom took me to the doctor and he had to reset it by hand. I screamed. Oh, and I had a migraine once that was so bad I wanted to die." "Yeah. Keep telling me stories like that." "Why?" He adjusted himself a little. "I like hearing about pain." Normally, I would think this weird, but now it seemed like an acceptable topic of conversation. "I once touched an electric fence when I was very little. I grew up on a farm and was just walking through a field. I accidentally touched it and the pain mixed with surprise made me cry for hours." "Wow." "That's all about all I have." "Hold on. He adjusted his jeans again and stood up. Let's have one more drink." Sure. I was feeling fine. Too fine. Maybe the whiskey was extra strong or maybe... My head wasn't stuffed up anymore and the cold was gone. I felt good. A little sleepy, but good. I hadn't thought of that electric fence incident in years. I wonder if that jolt to my young brain caused me to be gay. Terry came back with two more tall glasses of beverage. "Come upstairs with me. Rachel said it'd be okay if we hung out in the guest room." "What? Why?" "We're talking deep stuff here, buddy. It's too crowded and I want to be alone with just you." I sipped my drink and pondered this. "Rachel really said it was okay?" "Yep. She owes me. I was friends with her ex-husband and he borrowed a lot of money from me to repair their roof." And then we were walking up the stairs. My antenna was up. This was a stranger with a violent history...and I'm fairly sure he had drugged me. We got to the cozy little guest room that already dimly lit with a stained-glass lamp. He sat on the side of the bed and I plopped down on a chair. "Terry? Did you put something in my drinks?" "Hardly anything. I just wanted you to feel good." "But you like hurting people." "It's more complicated than that. I'm not crude. By now I could've broken all of your fingers. It'd be hard to write then, wouldn't it? It would ruin your life. You wouldn't even be able to wire your own ass." "Do you want that?" "No," "Tell what you're thinking right now. I'm going to get comfortable." He took off his shoes and socks, and then stretched back on the bed. "Scared. I'm scared of you now. You drugged me and like to be violent and we're alone." "I like the fear on your face." He took his dick out of his pants and started stroking it into full, mighty hardness. "Damn." "You like it? I can cause some real damage with my cock. More than you know. I've got a bunch of STD's in this thing....including HIV. OOOH! That put a scare in you, didn't it? You are white as a sheet." "Don't. Stop. Please?" How did this happen? "Get up here with me. We'll make pillow talk and, depending on how nice you are, I'll decide what happens next. Take off your clothes. I locked the door." I stripped and curled up helplessly next to Terry. "Good. That was a good start. You need to know that I'm going to fuck you. It'll hurt, but if you go along with it and don't scream, I'll let you go." "B-But...the AIDS." "They've probably got it a cure for that by now. Just imagine THIS inside of you." he said as he shook his boner back and forth. "How?" "Drink the rest of your drink and then take this." He handed me a little pill that I immediately swallowed. I got up and drained my glass he watched, flexing and stretching his big bare feet and grinning like a demon. Oh well. Maybe there was a cure for AIDS by now. Or at least effective treatment. Maybe. "Okay." "Okay? Really? Smart. Rest a while and I'll get everything ready." He disappeared into the guest bathroom and came back with an armload of towels. He spread them out on the end of the bed. "Let's just do this." "Change the attitude, kid. I can make this a nightmare if you don't." "Sorry. Please tell me what o do." 'Sit on the end of the bed. Your cute little face is going to be stuffed with dick." I did as told. He fed me inch after inch of that enlarged organ of his and seemed amazed that I could take so much. "No teeth. That's extra credit." This mixture of fear and arousal was all new to me. 'Terror' and 'Terrific' were words with the same origin after all. He had me lie on back with my legs hanging over the end. He split my legs apart and plunged his pain-giving dick directly into me. I bit my lower lip until it bled. "Shit! You're bleeding from two different ends now. I'm gonna cum.' He leaned down and licked the blood off my chin as he kept pumping. "Oh...here comes the ...the..here...ohhhh" Spasm after spasm wracked his body. It was done. "We gotta take these towels with us. Rachel will be so mad if she finds out what I dd to you." He seemed a little perplexed for a minute before stuffing all of them in a ceiling panel. "Go clean yourself up a little." I did. I had bled a lot and felt weak. "I need to lay down a bit." "No. We don't want to be the last ones here, sneaking out. We can sleep at my place." He left the room first, and I followed about two minutes later. We got to his car and that's the last thing I remember until I woke up in a strange bed with a giant football player next to me. We spent the next six nights together. He really wanted to break one of my bones, but I type on a computer all day for work. We compromised. I let him break two of my toes, three of my ribs and one of my teeth out. I always had bruises and scrapes...hidden with clothing. Then I reached my limit and ended this wacko affair. Terry didn't take it well. He promised he'd find me on the street some day and kill me. I'm still breathing as of this minute.

Everybody says that 'life is a journey', but they're wrong. Life is a crazy carnival ride with twists, turns and sometimes turns upside down. I found that out in 2002. That's when I met Larry. I probably would have never met him if i hadn't been talked into going to some coworker's 25th anniversary party. I didn't even really know him that well, but my pal Kyle wanted to go because he liked any occasion where free booze was being served. The affair was held in the bar area of some restaurant near downtown. I liked my work friends, but I just wasn't in a great mood that night. Kyle went right to the bar and started downing Manhattans. I stood at the edge of the small crowd congratulating the old guy when Kyle grabbed my arm. "Don! You have come see this bartender! He's such a goon, but pretty funny. He makes the drinks extra strong too." "Goon" was right. He was giant and odd-looking. "What can I get you?", he asked with a crooked smile. I ordered a rum and Coke that was indeed pretty strong. We all talked a little while before Kyle announced he was going to the restroom. Once it was just me and the bartender, he leaned close and asked if Kyle was my boyfriend. What? This was a very hetero gathering in a hetero business. Why in the world would he ask that? "Him? No. He's a good friend and we work together. Why do you ask?" "Sorry, man. I didn't mean to insinuate anything. I've just been in this business a long time and have learned to read people. For instance, I can read that you need another drink." "OK. One more. I can't get too wasted because I have to work with those people." "It looks like they're clearing out. You driving?" "No. My buddy and I shared a cab." Speaking of Kyle. Where was he? He'd gone to the bathroom ten minutes ago. Damn. I should have known. He was famous for drinking too much and disappearing on his own adventures. I'd have to pay for the taxi myself and I sure as hell was going to make it up to me. It was a Thursday night, a few weeks before Halloween. The place was empty. "Tab's still open for your party...want another?" "Why not? I haven't used a sick day yet this year. I'm due for a hangover." "That's the spirit! My name's Eric, by the way." I reached to shake his hand and he almost squeezed it off with his giant paw. So Eric and I chatted for an hour as I got drunker and drunker. He sneaked a few shots of his own, keeping his eye out for the manager. I asked if he was married. "Not anymore. Bitch left me almost four years ago." "Sorry." "Thanks I was just too freaky for her." "What do you mean?" "Have another drink and I'll tell you. I gotta close up the register and lock up the back." That last drink he made me was so strong it was nearly flammable. A harried-looking woman walked up and asked me where Eric was. "He's locking up the back." "Well tell him to lock the front too. I'm so tired I can't see street. Good night." Eric was happy she left. "She's okay, just stresses out too easily. That gets everybody else uptight." I drained the last of my mega-drink. "So what makes you freaky?" "I was just always trying to introduce kinkiness into the bedroom. I'm very peculiar. I asked her if she wanted to try a threesome one night and she thought I just wanted to fuck another girl. She got all mad, but what I didn't tell her was that I wanted to invite another man - not a woman." "Wow." "I found myself wanting to do weird things, but she nixed everything I suggested. She'd suck me for a little while, but would never swallow. Wouldn't lick my balls or my ass or do anal. Nothing. So I got off in secret ways." "Like how?" "I'd always fantasized about pissing in her mouth, but knew she'd never go for it....so I'd pee in her coffee or tea or Coke all the time. Just a little. And one night she caught me with my wang out, dribbling into her juice. She left that night and we divorced. It cost me everything. I used to own a place like this, but had to sell it to pay her off. Lost my house too. All my savings. "Damn." I was drinking another glass of rum and I hadn't even noticed. He'd made another one for me while I was listening. We drank more and talked more. I told him that I was pretty inexperienced when it came to relationships. I'd been out with three different guys. dated two and had sex with one. "You haven't heard the worst. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. They decided I was bipolar and put me on a bunch of drugs. They were crazy with their prescriptions and I now have stuff for sleeping and nerves and other stuff. People think I'm humorous, but mostly I'm just goofed out on pills." "You seem fine to me." He went on..."After I got out and settled into an apartment by myself, I discovered I was still a freak despite the drugs. I wanted wild sex. And I found out that gay guys would do all the things I was into. And I liked doing it to them. One dude even said he'd eat my shit, but I haven't gotten that far into kink." pause "Well, I won't eat your poop, Eric. I have a freaky side too, but learned to suppress it." He laughed. "I wish I'd learned. I just went deeper into it all. I was in a few gay orgies even. I did cocaine and heroin and acid. I thought I'd found my groove....until I found out I was HIV positive. That killed the party for me. "Dang, Eric. I'm so sorry. How are you doing now?" "I'm surviving. Adjusting. Tell me what you're thinking." "Well...beyond sympathy for your plight, I'm a little boned-up right now. Sorry. God, I drank too much." "No. It's okay. I read people, remember? Hey -- you're off tomorrow and it's only a little after midnight. Let's go somewhere." "Where?" "There's a place just a few blocks away. We can go for a bit and talk some more." He locked up and we walked down the safely-lit street. We came to a place I'd never even heard of before. "Munky's". Odd name. It was so quiet. There was no blaring disco music and no crowd. If not for the rainbow flag over the bar, you couldn't tell it was a gay establishment. That's how dead it was. Eric went up the bar, chatted with the bartender and came back with two cold mugs of beer. "I figured we should probably ease up a bit on the hard stuff. "Good idea." I spotted an old Galaga machine in the corner. That was my favorite video game as a kid. "Your eyes just lit up." He looked over, saw the machine and sighed. "You want to play that thing, don't you?" "Just one game. Please?" I felt like a kid begging a parent to stay up later. "Play as much as you want. I just need to get off my feet for awhile. I've got a bunch of quarters from tonight's tips." So I stood and played a whole game. I didn't do very well because I guess my reflexes were askew from the rum. So I decided to stop and just sit with Eric. He was growing on me. "What? You're done already? Sit and drink some of your beer. Refresh. Mind if I smoke? I never smoke except when I'm drunk. Or after sex." We sat. He'd taken off his loafers and had his gigantic socked feet propped up on the stool next to me. "Can I have a cigarette too?" He fished one out of the pack and lit it for me. The head rush I felt made me want to play my game again. He already knew what I was thinking and told me to go play until I beat the high score. I took a few more sips of beer and went back at it. I guess maybe I was being rude. We came here to talk and here I was just entertaining my inner teen. I kept reaching back and drinking more from my mug...which never seemed to get any emptier. I guess he was going up to get it refilled, but then why was it warmer? He was pissing in it. I knew it and I'm pretty sure he knew I knew. He was that sharp. I was hard under my black jeans. So I kept playing and got lost in my quest to get a big score. Once I turned around to ask for another smoke and saw him holding my beer up to his open fly. I said nothing and showed no shock. I didn't beat the high score, but I made the top five. I entered my initials and sat back down. "I like this place. We should come here again." "You haven't seen the men's room yet. I need to go...come join me." We went back and I stood next to him as he peed. His dick was pretty impressive. Semi-hard. "Nice penis," I said. "Want to hold it while I finish?" I didn't answer. I just grabbed it and felt the stream go through his hot shaft. He turned toward me with his dick still dripping. "Take a taste. Please?" I knelt down and took the purple head between my lips. He let a small, slow stream flow down my throat. "Thanks." That's all I could say. "Thank YOU'" We went back to our table. The bartender had brought two new mugs of beer. I sipped a bit. "Oh hell -- my glass isn't full anymore. Can you take care of that?" "Not yet. Give me some time. I wanted to tell you something. Urine is sterile and doesn't really carry HIV. It's not like I shot a load in your glass." "I get that. You can do that the net time we come here." His stocking feet were up on the stool. "I notice you looked at my foot. Want to smell it or rub it? I told you I can read people...and you've got those big puppy eyes that can't hide anything." I massaged both feet and mentioned that it would feel better without socks. "No. Not here. Later." We continued sipping our beers. "Earlier you said that you suppress your freaky side. How? Why?" "Look what happened when you didn't." "Fair point, Don." "Plus -- the internet has helped out a lot. No muss, no fuss." My beer was half empty so I pushed it toward him. He held it below the table and topped it with his hot piss. "How you holdin' up? You look a little lost." "What is that supposed to mean, Kyle?" "I'm Eric. You may have had one too many. Or probably you're getting some of my anti-psychotic medpcpne in your system. I've been giving you sips of my piss since your first drink at the restaurant." "It's Halloween tonight!" "No. It isn't. Leave the beer for now and let's go back to my place." Galaga had awoken the teen rebellion in me and I drained the glass. I did feel lost. Lost in time and lost in space. I think that was the final line in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". My teen years kept appearing in my brain. "Dammit, Janet!" I said. "That's it for tonight. I only live up the hill. Can you walk or do you want to be carried? You must weigh next to nothing." "Let's just float there." He guided me out of the bar and we were back on the street. Everything was at a weird angle and I felt the need to sleep. Eric wouldn't let me take a quick nap on the sidewalk. "We're almost there...which is good because I need to pee badly." "Do it here. I'll help." "No, Don. We're here. Come on in." His place was small and neat and smelled like him. I looked up at him with a compliment ready, but he kissed me hard. His hand was on my crotch. "See how good it feels t o not suppress urges. We don't have much time before I have to take a wicked piss. Go to the bathroom and lie down in the tub. Face up. On your back." I guess I should have taken my clothes off, but I could've sworn I wasn't wearing any. The tub was cold anyway. I did as told and waited. He walked in completely nude, his big boner waving back and forth. He wasn't kidding about needing to pee. The stream hit me right in my neck and moved up my chin and then it was in my mouth. I gulped and gulped. I was soaked when he finished. "You're a mess now, little friend. How is your head." "Wet on the outside. But my brain is trick-or-treating outside somewhere." "Well it's time to get you naked and cleaned up a little." In a blur of water and soap and steam I was as fresh as a newborn. He dried me off with the softest towels ever made and then I was in a bed. "Tell me again where your head is." "Right here. Will you fuck me, Eric." "I plan on it. Does your head know what that means?" "I does, I want it. I want my freak to meet your freak." "Deal." I wish I could remember the next ten minutes better. I know I was in some severe pain when he put that huge, raw dick in me and I know he came in me. I know he apologized right before he did it again. It felt so much better that time. I do remember that he was a poz man. What were those drugs he was on? I was liking the kidney-filtered version of them. I slept so well. I dreamed of pumpkins and stars. Weird. Nice, but weird. I woke up in time to call work and tell them I was sick. Eric and lounged in bed for three day. I satisfied all his freakyness and he satisfied mine. I knew I'd get sick, but I had this wonderful man in my life...so who cares?

(this story was inspired by a post right here on BZ) 2000 Once I finally got a computer, I was hooked. I was 24, horny and loved nothing more than looking at naked photos of men. I had a dial-up connection that was too slow for videos, but the pictures were enough. I guess I liked looking at so much while remaining invisible behind a computer screen. I'd done my best to be invisible my whole life because I was scared to death of being embarrassed. I had two older brothers who loved to humiliate me when I was a kid. Nobody could make fun of me in this cyber world. There used to be an internet site that was set up so that gay guys could read and post anything about gay life. In the beginning it was mainly about coming out, politics, relationships and health. It was educational and helpful, but got raunchy pretty fast. Bare-backers invaded! I'd never heard that term before. They posted topics about sharing HIV loads, drinking piss, fisting, drugs, etc. I recoiled at first, but kept reading what these men were writing. My disgust changed to interest and led to fascination. I discovered that I had a dirty mind (whatever that means). The site started to become an obsession. It just kept getting nastier. I found myself wanting to have sex with a poz men and do things with him. I went from fearing a disease to wanting it in just a few short months. I logged in every spare minute. One topic that grabbed my attention was about getting cum in your eyes. I discovered once during a masturbation incident that cum burned the eyeballs something fierce. Would another man shooting sperm in my eye be different? Hot? Here's what I remember reading in the the sub-forum: : Is taking cum in the eye dangerous? : Hell yes it is! You've got so many blood vessels exposed. You can get herpes and HIV and probably other stuff that way. It also hurts. Avoid it!!!!! : I love facials but not in my damn eyes! : Oooh. A new way to convert a bottom! Thanks for the info! : Former med student here. It's bad for so many reasons. Sperm is meant to invade an ovum and your eye has the same mucous membrane as an egg. That means millions of little sperms are trying to dig their way into your eye. It could cause problems -- including blindness. : Fuck yeah. I want to get somebody's eye pregnant. : That's sick, man : Kiss my ass. For whatever reason, I loved the idea. The danger. I guess I mostly loved that there was a guy or two out there who would purposely hurt me with his squirting dick. There'd be no going back after that. I got hard at the thought of hazardous behavior. That topic seemed to have been exhausted after a week of one-sentence insults. I wanted to get it started again, so I made a post myself: Kansas City guy wants a dirty load in his eye I couldn't believe I'd actually done it. Regret. I let the computer stay dark for a few days before I got up the nerve to look at the site again. Guys replied: : Filthy! : I'd love to do it, but I'm in Ohio. Travel? : Don't be stupid : You neg? I'm in KC too. Perv and poz always looking to play. Click on my name and leave your email. : Can't believe this is a thing Well - I'd sent out my twisted wish and somewhere nearby was willing to make it come true. How near? What did he look like? I left my email address in his box with a note that just said "Hi". As much as I wanted to walk away and let the computer get cold for a day or so, I stayed on and waited for a response like a dog waiting for feeding time. Not only did he reply, but sent a few photos! The first shot was of him from the chest up. He was in his 30's, bearded and had thinning reddish-brown hair. The second picture was a dick close-up. It was big and shaved. Cut. I didn't have an online photo or a camera on my PC. So I just described myself a little, told him the area I lived in and left my phone number. No going back from that. 'ring' "Hello?" "Hi. Is this Tommy? It's Jerome" "Yeah. Hi. How are you tonight?" "Tired. Worked late and it's humid as hell out there." "Where do you work?" He talked about his job and I talked about mine. We made general chat for almost five minutes until he finally asked."Want to hook up?" "Uh...Yes. Yes, I do. When?" "Now. After I take a quick shower." "Now? OK, but don't take a shower -- just come over in half and hour." "You like it sweaty and dirty, huh? I can do that, but I do outdoor work for nine hours day. You sound young...ever done this before?" "No. I've never done anything with anybody." "Awesome! This will be great. I won't take a shower, but I have to change into something clean at least. Give me your address." I gave him my location and we said 'good-bye'. This was moving so fast. I went right to the kitchen and gulped a beer. Then another. I felt an impossible number of emotions. My dick was so hard that I was afraid Id shoot before he even got here. I needed to calm down or I'd ruin this. I watched CNN until there was a knock at my door. He was here! I let him in and we sized each other up for a few seconds. He was taller than I would have guessed. He didn't look sick. "Damn! You're a baby! Got any I.D.?" "Uh. Yeah. I'll go get it." "Chill, I was only kidding. I didn't take a shower. Want a hug so you can smell?" "Yeah. Please." He wrapped me in a big bear hug and I could smell hot male sweat immediately. "I didn't even change underwear, but I took off my nasty socks and put on sandals. That OK?" "Sure. I guess." "Damn. You are something else. Next time I'm going to jog over hear and let you lick me all over. You want that?" "God yes." He settled himself on my couch. "How do you want to do this?" "No idea. I hadn't that far ahead. Why don't you make all the decisions from now on." "You got it, Tommy." He kicked off his sandals and then stripped off all his clothes. He was erect and dripping a little from the pee hole. I knelt down but then immediately stood up again. "Do you want me to get naked too?" "Can't wait that long. I'm almost ready to cum. You're not going to close your eyes are you?" I got on my knees again. "No. Wait. Hold my eyelids open with your fingers." "Right eye or left eye. Decide quick!" I didn't have time to choose. He reached two fat fingers down and held my left eye open. Then a blast of seed hit the eyeball directly. It burned badly, but in a thrilling way. He then poked the head in and made it hurt even worse. It was hotter than I ever imagined. He let go of my eyelids and rubbed the remaining cum across my lashes and lips. "Let me see. Oh your eye is so red. My seed is working its magic...the invasion is happening. Excited?" "Fuck yeah!" "We are going to have so much fun together. You might be almost as twisted as I am. Tomorrow night I'm going to bare fuck you good and proper.... I won't even change socks." He did. We did. We did anything he could think of. Plus a few kinks I came up with. He added HIV, sweat, piss and blood to my system. More stories to come.

i had an ideal childhood. I lived in a generic town in a generic part of the country, but everything was normal and nice. My friends and I rode our bikes and played softball in the park...hell, there was even a tree house in my backyard. Everything changed in 2001. My grandma came to live with us, I started junior high, my parents finally bought a computer and 9/11 happened. Everything was worse. Grandma was a sweet lady, but very deeply into Jesus. She bugged me with her scriptures and psalms and shit. My group of friends seemed to split up and go their separate ways. I was in a bad mood and felt like I was not developing properly. I was gay of course, but that was just too big of a thing to think about. my bike and tree house looked ridiculous to me all of the sudden. And I kept getting pimples here and there. The computer didn't interest me too much. I sucked at the games on it because my hand/eye coordination was never good. I knew there were naked pictures on the internet, but there was always an adult lurking nearby. Plus -- my grandma was always on it. I still curse whoever showed her how to use a computer. She only went to religious websites and places where old, conservative, bible-thumping people like her gathered. That's where the story really begins... "I read a lot of facts about the gays and their AIDS. Did you know that the disease started because those people eat each others' poo?", Grandma announced at the dinner table one night. There was no shutting her up. "And they want more funding for research so they try to infect normal people like us. They stick you with needles that are contaminated. One woman was at the movies and felt a small pain in her back. After the movie was over, her husband saw a sticker on her shoulder that said 'Welcome to the club'. She got the AIDS without knowing it!" I wanted to go eat in my room...away from this shit. "And they leave dirty syringes in the coin return slots of payphones. So scary and so evil." I didn't believe her...entirely. But I wondered it might have some truth in it. I often thought about men having sex with other men, and this added an element of danger to it. I was terrified at first, but that fear turned to fascination over time. I read about the HIV virus in magazines they had in the school library. As I educated myself, I learned about how the virus was actually transmitted. I read about condoms and everything related to this 'gay disease'. I remember once snooping through my parents' bedroom and finding a box of condoms in a drawer. I was mostly fascinated by the illustration of the rubber on the front. It was fully extended and looked giant to me. The box had been opened which meant my father had put one on his penis already! Was he as big as the drawing? I went through high school, dark and moody. I was smart enough to know I wasn't mentally healthy, but not smart enough to ask for help. I was just a typical, sullen teenager in my family's eyes. I got my own computer the year I before I graduated. I used it for homework at times, but mainly I followed the draw of darkness. I went to porn sites, chat rooms and forums about gay sex. I wanted to know everything. Once I found a website where real guys talked about HIV as an erotic thing. They liked spreading it and made it sound so arousing. Imagine...getting a deadly sickness on purpose! I was 18 by then and knew I'd be leaving home soon. I wanted to meet some of these people in real life. They seemed more familiar to me than any of the people my age. Dark, twisted people. I went to the same college both of my parents attended. It didn't seem too much different than high school at first. The same cliques and herd mentality prevailed. Rah rah rah. What is 'school spirit' and what good does it do anyone? I did find a few dark, brooding people like myself, but they expressed their torment through art or poetry or music. I kept mine quiet and locked away. I got acquainted with beer and weed and a few other things, but I was really just waiting. Waiting for what I knew was close by. It probably wouldn't come to me -- I had to out and find it. I started to take long walks at night....everywhere and anywhere. I followed my instincts and wound up at a park that was sort of iconic because of the tall tower built as a memorial to victims of whatever war. It looked like giant penis. I sat on a stone bench and had a clove cigarette. As my adjusted a little, I noticed there were a lot of cars parked here. And there was movement in the shadows. Maybe this was where I'd find what I was searching for. If not, it was close. "I thought I smelled a clove. Got an extra?" A guy sat on the bench next to me. He was older than me, larger than me, and had a weird beatnik beard. I gave him a smoke and lit it for him. In that flash of the lighter I saw a face that looked somewhat demonic. Maybe not -- maybe it was the dark eyes, hair and strange beard that he had. Possibly that was look he was going for. Silence. "There's a lot of people here." "No more than usual. I've seen it a lot more full." "You've been here at night before?" "Only when my dick gets hard." "Huh?" All my sense were on high alert. "This where guys come to suck and fuck. You didn't know that?" "No, I...I'm a freshman." "Well, it's early. Around midnight, more will show up. I've probably fucked most of them. You gay?" "Probably." "Only one way to know for sure." He leaned over and kissed me on the mouth. My first kiss. I reached down and touched his crotch. Why? I just wanted to, "Well, that settles that. You're fun. Want to take a walk?" "Sure. Where?" "Not far. Come on." We walked under some huge trees and small sidewalk lamps. He wanted to know about me. I told him most of what I've told you. He was content to listen and I just kept babbling. "You know that thing about needles was just an urban myth, right? Shit, man. The internet is full of bullshit, but I'm glad you found that website...I'm probably a member there." "Are you HIV positive? Are you a bug-chaser? A gift-giver?" "I'm anything you want, little friend. I'm Doug, by the way." "I'm Andy. Nice to meet you." Where was my brain? Why wasn't it working? I needed to think, but forgot how. We moved deeper into the park. The football stadium wasn't far. "You're still a virgin, aren't you?" "Yeah. Why?" "Just curious. We're here." Where? It was just a bare patch of grass, bathed in a square of light from the stadium ahead. "This is where I like to take the new ones. Sit down. It's still a little too early in the year for chiggers, so we should be fine." We sat and he stretched out his long legs. We kissed again and when I reached to touch his groin, he already had his bare penis sticking out of the fly. Electricity went through me. He was already erect. So was I. "Take my pants off for me, Andy." I pulled off his shoes and pants. No underwear. He was half-naked and hard as a rock. I could feel his devilish smile in the sparse light. "Very good. Now take off your own. Let me get a look at what I'm dealing with here." I don't think I was ever naked outdoors before. My bouncing boner was embarrassing. "I see you like everything so far. Let's leave our shirts on for now. There's a bunch of twigs everywhere. Sit." "Will anybody see us?" "Who cares. Just bend down and suck my dick." I bent down and took the head of his penis in my mouth. It was slick already. I took as much of it as I could. I'd never done this before, but I could tell I was good at it. Doug kissed air in between his teeth as I got further and worked the shaft with my tongue. I came up for air. "Want to sit on it? Sit on my big dick?" "You have a condom?" "Nope. I'm allergic to latex. We'll be careful. Just try to get your ass right above my crotch, and then lower down." I tried, but it was awkward and my balance was off. I ended up falling over. Before I could try again, he said "Never mind. We'll do this the old-fashioned way." He pinned me on my back and spread my legs apart. He got rougher. His penis was pressing against my bare butt hole. I knew it would never fit, but maybe all the spit I'd used on him worked enough to get the tip in. I yelped and heard it echo in the darkness. "That's the worst part, little boy. It's all candy from now on. Enjoy." He was then fucking me. I was getting fucked. By a man. The dark I'd been searching for was thrusting inside of me over and over again. It started to feel wonderful. A certain kind of wonderful I never knew existed. "We have to be careful." "I am carefully giving you what you need....right...NOW!" A spasm took over his body and I knew he's cum inside me. Sperm. We got dressed in silence and started walking back. I wanted to talk, but couldn't get a sentence started. "Shh. I know you want to make some sense of this, but you need a good 24 hours to think. Go home, get some sleep and come back to find me in a few days. I'm here almost always." "But..." "Ssh. Here's my car. Give me a kiss." We kissed as he got in. I turned to walk back to my dorm just as he opened the door again. "Oh yeah....welcome to the club!"

WARNING: SOME VIOLENT CONTENT (2002) i made it to the age of 23 with my virginity intact even though I went to a liberal college famous for its gay activism and cruising. I just couldn't work up the nerve. It bugged me a little because most of my friends had started having sex in high school. It's not like I didn't have a sex drive or was unattractive...I just lacked even the tiniest amount of bravery. Maybe most of you already know that the longer you go without action, the more fantasies and fetishes start blooming in your brain...and the more you beat off. I had accumulated a huge porn collection by the time I graduated and moved out on my own. I decided on my 23rd birthday that I needed to get my cherry popped within a year. I went to a bar in my neighborhood that I figured was gay because of the rainbow flag that hung over the doorway. As luck would have it, it turned out to be the roughest, sleaziest spot in town. The instant I walked in, I knew I didn't belong in this place. The big bear of a bouncer studied my ID for a long time. "Have fun", was all he said after handing it back to me. There were TVs everywhere, showing porn and music videos. Most of the customers were older than me and wore leather stuff. One unhealthy-looking guy sat at the bar wearing nothing but leather bikini shorts. Some of them were handsome and many of them were definitely not. I tried to act like I'd been here a thousand times already but I doubt anybody bought it. The stares were coming from all directions. Dark eyes sizing up the new kid. I saw an open spot at the bar and ordered a beer. I looked at the TV screen above the liquor bottles and wondered what would happen next. There was a guy sitting next to me who was all leathered-up and probably in his 60's. And drunk. The thing was...he was the least threatening man in my vicinity. He was close to passing out...and so I resumed watching an old Madonna video on the screen. My goal was to finish my three dollar beer and leave. Done. Good-bye. I headed for the door and caught the bouncer's eye again. "Not your kind of place, huh? Well at least you didn't have to pay a cover tonight." I felt the need to apologize for some reason. "It's a nice place. I just need to go." "Wait just a minute or two. There was some kind of fight or something in the parking lot and the cops are out there. Cars, flashing lights." I stood there like the scared doofus I was. In my blue Izod shirt, new jeans and loafers. I was so stupid to just saunter in this place. The bouncer hopped up and left me alone...and then soon came back with a fresh beer and a wooden stool for me to sit on. Nice guy. "Thanks. How much longer do you think I need to stay?" He peeked out the window. "They're cuffing somebody. Shit's going down because they've got the K9 unit out. Drugs, probably." We listened as more sirens sang their way to the parking lot. "Holy shit, Does this happen a lot?" "Regularly. You're safe next to me. What's your name?" "Matt. Yours?" "I'm Brian. You're a cutie. Stay here and keep me company." Brian wasn't 'a cutie' exactly. He was in his 30's, very tall, a little fat and had that weird kind f mustache that reminds you of a walrus. He also had bucked teeth. But yet I felt electricity when he looked at me. He had a leather cap which only somewhat disguised that he was losing his hair. We spent the rest of the evening talking about the scene. The scary guys filtered out slowly and then it was closing time. I sat and watched the exit parade. So many of them scowled at me for whatever reason. "Let's go get breakfast," Brian said as he came back. Well, we skipped IHOP and just went to his place. I wanted to. He had a roommate who was always out getting fucked or partying (or both). They used to do it together, but Brian was older, more tired and had specific tastes. He was a "dad looking for a "son". I was agreeing to everything he proposed for us, but the truth is I just wanted sex. I wanted to see him naked at least. And I did. For about an hour. I massaged his back and size 17 bare feet, but then he went to sleep. I slept on the couch for a few hours until sunrise crept into the room. For the next few weeks, we "dated". It was never going to be serious. We weren't what each other wanted. He wanted a "boy". He wanted me to go get leather gear and have my head shaved down to a crew cut. I was okay with being a submissive, but I wasn't cutting my hair or wearing some leather vest or collar out in public. At least he was kinky. He liked to pee on and in me...and had a hatred for condoms. Only problem was that he couldn't get me relaxed enough to take his dick. He once got it almost a third of the way in, and that seemed celebration-worthy. "I didn't cum, but I put some swimmers in there." Brian also wanted to lick my ass, but I never liked the idea of that. It was just too gross. Why would a guy do that to another guy? One night we lied in bad and tried to discuss things. Brian told me about a little device he had that gave out electric shocks. Wha? He was into discipline and control. He had straps and cuffs and gags ready to go. He was older and knew more stuff, but I knew what and what I could not deal with. I was new, but I wouldn't apologize for not being into his scene. "C'mon. Tell me the sickest thing you'd do with another man." His huge dick was hard and standing up. I hesitated. I had some dark fantasies that I'd never say out loud. "Well...." He wanted to hear something, anything that we could share. "I have rape fantasies. I want forced sex. I want to asleep in my bed and have a group of guys break in and fuck me against my will." He laughed. "You're not nearly ready for that. Look how much time and effort it took me to just get partially into your ass. I can make it happen, but you need some preparation beforehand." "How do prepare for a rape?" "Start using a dildo. You need to loosen up that ass of yours first. If you stay tight, the rape won't be sexy for you. It'll feel like somebody breaking your ribs." "Oh." "I've got some here, but they're too big for you to start with. We'll go to 'Treasures' tomorrow and do a little shopping." And so a day later I came home with some little rubber dicks of various sizes and widths. Also some lube. He instructed me to start out with the smallest one and let him know when I got the biggest all the way in. All that week I worked those things into me while watching porn. The last one was the most difficult, but I got it all the way in. And started to enjoy the sensation more and more. When I called Brian to tell him about my progress, he was happy. "That last one is just slightly smaller than my dick! That means I can finally fill you all the way up! I'm saving my load for then. Saturday good?" And it happened. Finally my virginity was officially gone. We fucked regularly for a month, but he was growing bored.He really wanted me to be a true submissive and call him "Dad". He wanted me to wear and collar and have a crew cut. He also wanted to brand me with, like, an actual branding iron. I couldn't make myself love him enough to do all that shit. We drifted apart and the phone calls stopped. I knew the end was coming, but I still missed him. I never went to the bar he worked at, I'd find another place, but I needed some time to grieve, I was convinced I was over it all and ready to be available again that weekend. Saturday probably. On Friday night I got super stoned and listened to Depeche Mode. There was a heavy knock at my door. Shit! Was my music too loud? Did the weed fumes leak out into the hall? I had no clue. "Who is it?" "Security. Can we come in?" Busted. I opened the door slightly and a bunch of large men burst in and I was knocked to the floor. A heavy boot was on my head and then my wrists were tied behind my back with nylon rope. "Gag him, Stan." I could've sworn that was Brian's voice. I almost cried out to him, but there was now a rubber ball in my mouth that was secured with an elastic band around the back of my head. "You sure about this, Brian?" "Oh yeah. He's been wanting this. Carry him to the bed -- it's right through that door." Was this real? I was carried to my bed and plopped down on my back. A big, meaty hand was covering my eyes. "Should I use the blindfold?" "No. Let him see everything so he'll have a nice memory. Get undressed and I'll fuck him first. Danny is last of course." (chuckles) And then I was face to face with Brian. "Christmas came early, Son. No snow, however -- this is a dry Christmas. I wasn't sure what he meant until he plowed his dick into my ass with no lube. My God! It was like having a wad of sandpaper shoved up there. I was unable to scream, but tears formed in the corners of my eyes. He didn't stop. He had his patterns I was familiar with. Fast, fast, slow, still, and then super fast and cum. He rested his heavy body on top of me for a minute and then got up. "You can take the gag out now. I got him nice and lubed for you. I want to hear how much he's enjoying this." A new guy who had acne scars and sort of a mohawk straddled me. He wanted to be sucked. I did. He loved that. I thought he was stiffening his body because he was about to cum, but no, He pissed down my throat. I wanted to pull away, but his knees were locking me into place. And my hands were literally tied. His flow leveled off, and then he started fucking me. He was a little larger than Brian and it wasn't painless, but it wasn't unpleasant either. I liked it when he finally made a final thrust of cum inside me. I was moaning and talking nonsense words of pleasure. "Shit, Brian? Why are you taking a video of this??" "Just in case he flakes out and wants to go to the cops. We have proof that he liked it." Guy # 3 had a huge piercing in the end of his dick. I was glad he didn't want a blowjob because that thing could break a tooth. He just got down to the business of fucking me. I learned then that you really can't feel a metal ring shoved all the way up your rectum. I guess I was all loose and open at that point. I made more groaning noises because I knew Brian wanted to hear them. But really I didn't feel much more than a nice pinch inside. He came and crawled off. How many were there? Was that Danny? Was he the last? "Let him rest a minute and then it's Danny's turn." I looked over at Brian. He was getting all of this on videotape. I looked at the lens and said "These men are innocent. I invited them here to do what you've seen. OK, Brian. You can stop with the camera already." "No way. You're going to want a record of this. Danny has the biggest dick in the city...and it's lethal. He's got some deadly seed in those balls. You gonna get pregnant, Son." 'Danny' sounds like an innocent little kid's name, but the dude hovering over me looked like a chubby Charles Manson after a bender. He let his full weight settle on me before spreading my legs farther apart. He got the head in. "Shit, boy. You're so full of cum and blood. Try to tighten up for me a little. I'll make it worth your while. I got a dirty dick...dirtier than most. You have it in you now. I'm going to plant my poison in you - hope you've got good health insurance." I looked over at Brian. "HIV??" "Among other things", he said while still filming. "We probably all have it. We all fuck the same guys as well as each other. I might have given you some stuff already. Just enjoy Danny now." I tried. He was just so big. Inch after inch kept snaking its way into me. When would it end? He was inhuman. He took the longest to cum. He did and it hit somewhere deep in my organs. "Get dressed, fellas. He's spent. We'll show ourselves out." Brian untied my hands, kissed me on the forehead and left. My sickest fantasy had become a reality. What the hell could be next? I'l keep you posted.

I LOVE the few times I've had a spurt in the eye. The danger and the burning is a turn-on. My ultimate fantasy is to have a guy intentionally hold one of my eyelids open and aim a stream of cum right into my eyeball.

I'm liberal as hell. I supported Hillary -- even though she didn't inspire me like her husband did. If the republicans weren't so racist and christian, I might go along with some of their fiscal policies. But no. I'm pro-choice, pro-gay and anti-war. I am an island, politically.

(early 1990's) I liked college a lot even though I worked like a dog just to get by. I was on a work study program...where they pay a part of your tuition if you work on campus part-time. I got a job in one of the science buildings where my job was to feed and clean up after salamanders. It sounds odd, but I guess they were being studied for something. Salamanders are a little creepy, but harmless. And smelly. I was a in art school with plans to major in photography. I thought artists were an eccentric bunch, but they were downright normal compared to most science majors. I met all sorts of characters. My boss gave me all kinds of crazy hours based on what he thought the salamanders wanted. I guess they communicated with him somehow. I'd go in at night and sit by the tanks and read or do homework. Occasionally, I'd wander around. I knew what floor the human cadavers were on and I never even ventured close to that area. Sometimes I'd see other bored workers and chat with them. I ran into Kenny one night. He was a graduate student with a special interest in fungus. Yes. Fungus. He wanted to be a mycologist. What kid would ever want to grow up and study fungi for a living? If you ever saw Kenny, you'd know the kind of kid. He was tall, extremely skinny and so pale you could almost see through him. We often ran into each other in the one room where smoking was allowed. We talked often even though we shared no common interests. I'd talk about art and photography (which he knew nothing about), and he'd talk about mold (which I didn't want to know anything about). He had a sense of humor, though, and could laugh about himself and what a dork he was. He wasn't bad looking despite his reed-like physique and thick glasses. He had a warmth that the specimens he studied lacked. I liked him. As we got to know each other, our discussions got more candid. We admitted to each other we were gay. I didn't have any experience, but he'd had plenty. I guess the surprise on my face was way too apparent. "What? You think only little curies like you get opportunities for sex?" "Um. No..I just. I mean..." "I go to the city (about 40 miles away) and hit the bath house. You don't get judged so much in places like that. Plus it's dark. I've always liked darkness." "Like a mushroom." "Exactly! I relate to them." I wanted to know more about what he did in the city, but didn't know what exactly to ask. I thought places like that had been closed down after the AIDS epidemic started. But he was a scientist so I figured he knew all about health and disease. "Well, I gotta go check on my creatures. Have a good weekend if I don't see you before then." "Wait. Want to come to my place on Sunday? I'm going to do some field research in the park behind my house." "OK. Sure. Can I bring anything?" "Bring your camera. If you get some good shots of mushrooms, I'll pay you for them." "Cool." He wrote his address down on a slip of paper and left to check his fungus. His house was kind of isolated at the end of a beat-up street that might as well have been a gravel road. It looked like exactly the kind of place he'd live. I brought my camera bag, but should have brought beer too. He didn't drink and had no alcohol in the house. He offered me hot tea instead. His floors were bare hard wood and the furniture was basic and thrift-store looking. There were pictures of mushrooms all over the walls. A few of them were even black-light posters which surprised me not at all. The tea wasn't very good. It was bitter and barely lukewarm. I drank it to be polite. "Did you notice?" "Notice what?" "I'm not wearing glasses. I put contacts in. I've had them for awhile, but all that solution and stuff is a pain which is why I just put on glasses." Something occurred to me right then... "Kenny - is this mushroom tea?" "Slightly. Not enough to affect you. Don't worry." "Like psychedelic mushrooms?!?" "Don't worry. I wouldn't give you anything that would hurt you, Grab your camera and let's go." I followed him out the back door and into his overgrown yard. My antenna was up. He'd given me drugs and I had to stay alert. "I found a puffball mushroom out here last week. It was beautiful. Ever seen one?" "I think so. They make a cloud of smoke when you stomp in them, right?" "It's not smoke. Those are spores, millions of tiny spores. It's how they reproduce...how they make more puffballs." "I knew that, Kenny. I was an 'A' student at one time. Art is harder. You never know if what you're looking at is the same as what other people see." "Science can be like that too, my little friend." We got to edge of a large park that I'd never even heard of in the two years I lived in this town. It was a warm day in early Autumn, but there were so many trees that the sun was diffused almost immediately. "I've never been here before." "It's an undiscovered secret. There is so much shade and dead limbs that I can always find some good specimens...speaking of which...." He took off his hiking boots and socks. "It burns. I caught athlete's foot somehow, but I haven't put any medicine on it. It's a fungus and I wanted to see it progress. It's called ringworm and can grow anywhere on your skin. Want to see?" He lifted one of his big feet and showed me the sole. It was an inflamed shade of red with little white bumps. I got closer. They looked like little cartoon eyeballs, looking right at me. It was comical and I had to take a picture of it. "I won't frame that one, pal." "So cute. Like crazy Mad Magazine eyes." "What a perfect day. I like this time of year when it's damp and warm. Winter absolutely sucks." "I know, but I just saw it." "Where?" "Right over there. It looks like Freddy Kreuger wearing earmuffs." "Uh oh. Stay close to me. You're starting to trip a little." As we got deeper into the park, I felt like we were in a children's book. There had to be a witch's house here somewhere. Kenny found mushrooms and toadstools, and explained the difference. He also told me about how some fungus is poisonous, but most of it is really just inedible. "Ooh! Here's a nice little guy. Get a photograph of him." He was pointing at a fat little mushroom that looked like a stubby penis. I had a close-up setting, but my camera was impatient with me and did all the work for me. Maybe I got the shot. Maybe I didn't. I looked up and Kenny was lighting a joint. "Here", he said, "this will help you settle a little and also assist your artistic eye." I was no stranger to weed. I took a puff, and it tasted just like the tea. I wondered if that taste would ever leave my mouth. I couldn't worry about that now. "Let's turn, Kenny. I don't want to go near those slipper slides." "Go near the what?" I saw a bunch of brightly-colored plastic slipper sides up ahead and didn't want go near them. I just knew they were oily and filthy. I took his long. bony fingers in my hand and led him a different direction...into some dark woods. The greens and blacks were comforting. I should write a poem. Or a song. "We're almost on private property now, little buddy." "But I want to sit in the shade for a minute. Can you write music?" "No. I had an old piano once, but it was just decoration. Check it out! There's a fairy circle!" I'd heard of those. It's rare to find one. It's when mushrooms grown in a circle. I don't know if they're connected by a root or what. I took a lot of shots. Beautiful magic. In fact -- this whole spot was mystical. We decided to stay there and finish the blunt. We sat at the base of a hundred year old tree and he wanted to chat, but I was too busy listening to the fairy voices. They were almost singing but not quite. It was more of a chant. "You okay?" "Yeah. Can you get one of them to stay still long enough so I can take a picture?" He put a long arm around me. "What do they look like to you?" "Well...none of them have clothes on. They remind me of that little dinosaur puppet from Pee-Wee's Playhouse. I love this park." "I'll see if I can coax them over, but for now let's just relax a little." He stretched out his long legs, "I want your ringworm too!: "What?" I kicked off my Nikes and socks and rubbed them up against his feet. "Why did you do that?" "Isn't the point to spread and reproduce? I'm helping it make more fungus." "Oh, kid. That's probably a pretty noxious variety. You could get it on your hands and crotch and everywhere else. Even in your eyes." "It's tough then, right? I could be part of your thesis." "It's either really tough or I'm really weak. I know my immune system is weak." A fairy landed on top of my head, trying to talk to me. "You aren't weak, Kenny." "I'm trying to tell you I have AIDS. I've known for two months now. One of my professors gave me the test. A virus is different than a fungus, but they both need hosts. I'm the host for HIV. Ironic." "Oh. I'm sorry." Quiet. "It's okay. I like you so much. And you like me too, right?" "So much." "Can I kiss you?" I didn't answer. I just pulled his face close to mine and kissed him passionately. Everything was perfect. I told him I wanted to make love, but he resisted. For about ten seconds. Then we were both naked and he was humping me helplessly. I was on my back and a knotty tree root was under my spine, but it was a helpful root, urging this sex onward. I guided his nice dick into my welcoming ass. And he was lost in lust. He fucked me for so long but I can't say that I felt much pain. It was natural and biological. I would be the next host. "Wrong. This is so wrong." His hips took on a life of their own and they were thrusting in and out faster and faster. He came. I felt the millions of viruses puff out of his cock slit and circulate throughout my body. I was host for Kenny's HIV now. My blood gave it more life. I'd die and decay...and the I'd be hosting the fungus he loved so much. It was meant to be. I came. The shrooms and pot had ebbed away as we walked back. Even completely sober, I wasn't sorry. Maybe he was, though. I moved into his house and we had many more fungal adventures. During the Winter, we just stayed inside and fucked. I photographed each little (or big) infection we'd get. I turned them in as a project and got much praise. END

(late 90's) I look back now and wished I'd taken better advantage of my youth. I was in my 20's and did absolutely nothing social. I was creative if you gave me a pen and paper but if you plopped me down in a gathering of friends, I was quiet and boring. The only contact I had with other people was at work or with my friend Troy. I only had a friendship with him because he'd foisted it upon me. He lived on the same floor of the my apartment building and absolutely refused to be ignored. He was flamboyantly gay and figured out I was closeted pretty early on. We forced me to interact with him no matter how cold my attitude was. I started to like him. No sexual attraction at all, but he had a good heart. He was throwing himself a birthday party at a club downtown, and not going was out of the question. I'd never been to a gay bar before, but there was just no way out of it. So on that Friday bight, I dressed up a little and went to this place called "Jax". I hated it at first. Everybody knew each other and everybody was having fun. I almost walked right back out, but Troy had already seen me. I was the first of his guests to arrive. I walked over to where he was sitting and sat across from him. "No.No. Sit next to me. Be my arm candy. This has always been my favorite table because you can see everyone that walks in. You're early. God! You really don't know anything, do you? Never come early or right on time to a party, Les! The bartender is delivering a pitcher of beer and some shots. I was going to drink it all as a warm-up, but I'll share." "Happy birthday, Troy." "Thank you, Sweetie. Than you for the card as well. Nobody sends birthday cards anymore...the only ones I got were from you and my mom." The club was starting to fill up, but only about three more of his invitees came. We all sat on the same side of the table because Troy didn't want anybody blocking his view of the action. We drank a lot. I wasn't really used to alcohol but had a high tolerance for it somehow. Metabolism? Anyway, the party was pretty much a bust. The other "friends" blew kisses and left for other hot spots. I stayed because I figured my friend would be too wasted to get himself home. "Dumb queens. Who needs 'em? Thank you for staying, Les. I know how much you hate it here, Means a lot." And then a small group of guy in robes and pajamas blustered through the front door. Weird. "Ugh. Another pajama party. Those are getting way too common these days. Oh God, that bald guy is carrying a teddy bear. Look." "What do they do at a pajama party?" "They all go club to club in their PJ's and then back to somebody's place to have a group fuck or something. I refuse to go to one. I sleep in the buff anyway. Oh no!" "What?" "The Ripper is among them." "The what? Who?" "See that guy with the curly reddish-brown hair and beard? The really tall one? That's The Ripper." "Why is he called that?" "It fits. You take him to your place and he rips your rectum and then rips your valuables. Rips condoms. Rips you completely." "He looks harmless." "Oh God, Les, Don't even get curious. I shouldn't have said anything." "Why?" "Because you're an innocent oddball who's a prime target for people like him. You are his type." "But I don't even have any valuables." "You have your health and your life. He's got the recipe." 'The Recipe' was the his code for HIV. ""How do know all this?" "Darling, I know everyone in this town. I see all. Be right back...I'm going to find a nice normal guy for you. Stay here." He left. I immediately looked over at Ripper only to find he was already looking at me. Shit! This is why I never socialized...too many landmines. He was kind of handsome, though. Troy came with more shots, a stack of napkins and a pen. "I saw you look over there. Stop. Have a drink and draw me some cartoons." I was an amateur cartoonist and liked to draw for other people. I wasn't published. I drew really raunchy 'toons that I knew Troy would like. I liked making him laugh. We had more drinks and more fun. Every time I glanced over at Ripper, he was still looking at me. "I saw that, Les. Stop. Keep drawing. Oh look! Here's Barry!" One of Troy's friends had shown up late for the party. They exchanged hugs and kisses...which got more intimate. They were both drunk. They full on made out right there at the table. "Barry and I are going to dance now, Stay put and keep drawing. I'll be back." But he never came back. He had vanished. Well, good for him. He was going to get a birthday fuck. Oh well. I had drank so much, but didn't feel intoxicated. Maybe it was my Scottish ancestry. I should probably go too, but the presence of Ripper kept me in my chair. Most of his little PJ party had moved on, leaving him all alone. I looked at him again and smiled. He returned the smile and nodded. Landmine. The bartender came by and asked if I needed anything. I ordered two vodka tonics because I didn't want him thinking I was by myself. I put one of them about a foot away from me in order to keep up the illusion I wasn't a single loser. Ripper was alone now. What a weird thing to see a grown man in his pajamas siting alone. I should go say 'hi' or something. I downed the first drink and shamelessly grabbed the seconf, trying to decide what I should do. I didn't have to. He came over to me and plopped a teddy bear right in front of me. "Hi. This guy needs a new home. My friend Josh left this behind. Can I sit?" "Thanks. Yes. Absolutely.' "I'm Craig, What happened to your friend?" Hi Craig. I'm Les. I think my buddy got lucky. Can I buy you a drink?" "Sure, Wow. You've been sucking down the booze all night...are you sure you want any more?" "I'm cold sober for whatever reason. Or maybe not. My drawing are getting a little sloppy, I'll have one more and call it a night." "You come to a beer and DRAW?? No offense, but that's weird. Can I look?" He shuffled through my cartoons and smiled. "What happened to the pajama party" "Who knows? They're all flakes. I get abandoned by those guys regularly. Its just us now. Can I sit closer to you?" I patted Troy's empty stool and he was right next to me. "So I guess your pal told you all about me." "He's a gossip, but, yeah -- he told me some stuff."' "Guys like him are the reason I can't get laid anymore. Fucker." "Any of it true." "Of course not. I just pissed off somebody once and they spread rumors to ruin me." "Sorry. It seemed dubious to me. You seem nice." "Really? Thanks. I've never seen you out before. New in town?" "No. This just isn't my scene. I hate crowds." "Well, it's not crowded now. Let's have another round and go back to my place. I wouldn't ask to go back to yours because I don't want you to think I'd rob you." But he lived way North of the city, and I didn't want to drive that far. We drank more. "I like you, Craig." Maybe the alcohol was starting to affect me. He reached over, took my hand and stuck it down the front of his pajama pants. I felt the biggest erection in the world. It was hot and a little moist. "You seem normal, but you like danger. I can tell." "Oh, hell. Everything you heard is true. I admit it. Can you admit it turned you on?" "I can." What turns you on most? That I can ruin assholes? That I sabotage condoms? That my cum is poisonous? That I'm a criminal?" "All of the above." "Good. Let's go. I promise if we go back to your place, I won't take anything that's not mine." We left and got to my apartment. He took off his slippers and t-shirt. OK. This was happening now. He waited for me to do something. I stripped. "Danger. You're in the danger zone now, boy. Lie down here on the floor." I did and he collapsed on top of me. We kissed long and hard as he humped me. I grabbed that infamous boner again. Dear Lord. "Got a condom? You realize I'll tear it off at some point, but we can pretend for a bit if you want." "Are you really HIV+?" "Oh yeah. And it's potent. No meds can make it go away. You wanted danger and now it's aimed right for your ass." He spit on his fingers and massaged two of them into my hole. "This will hurt and make you bleed like crazy. You'll have to get an area rug for this carpet." "Rip me." That set him off and shoved that thing nearly half way into me. I wanted to scream, but he held one of his huge hands over my mouth. "You're lucky that it's been so long for me. I'll cum soon. Hang on. Here's what you wanted. Ahhhh. Shittt!" I was in severe pain and could feel my ruined anus bleeding. He was done. The Ripper had completed his task. We lie there together for a minute. "Mind if I spend the night? I've already got my pajamas here." "Let's go to bed." It was a nice night. He let me suck him and we fucked twice more. He let himself out that Saturday morning. I spent the whole day in bed, listening to my body. It was wrecked and full of bad cum. I needed to find him again.

I used to chat there for hours and then my computer died. I took a few years off from it, and now it's been changed so much that I don't recognize it anymore. Most of my contacts are gone and there's no way to tell if somebody's on or off of it. Maybe I'm just stupid. Can anyone help? toonnkc

BASED ON A TRUE STORY I've read about people who get limbs amputated but van still 'feel' the missing leg or arm. They call that a 'phantom limb'. That's just crazy. It's bad enough that you lose a leg, but to then feel it still itch or ache seems so unfair. I've never lost a body part, but I could sort of relate to the sensation of something that was once there and then wasn't. I graduated college four years ago. I was a very closeted gay and yet dreamed of having a man...in my bed, at my side, in my life. The Spring before graduation, I was doing laundry in the middle of the night...which was the best time to go to the laundromat. I'd have the place to myself, and could study or draw in my sketchbook or whatever. One night around 3 AM, some guy walked in with no laundry. He just sat at one of the tables and looked around. I was almost finished, but decided to dry my towels one more time. He was nice looking and seemed possibly gay to me. He stood up and grabbed his crotch when he saw me looking at him. Was it a trap? Was he joking? He then stuck his whole hand down the front of his sweats and started fondling himself. OK! I took the towels out, put them in the basket and wondered what would come next. I guessed it was just some weird incident and decided to pack up and head out. The guy followed me to my car and just kind of stood there. "Need a ride somewhere?" He shrugged. "Sure." We talked a little. His name was Joe and he was Cuban. He'd been in school for seven years already because he kept changing majors. I drove aimlessly around campus as we each told our stories. It was pretty apparent that we didn't have much in common, but it didn't manner because a probably gay with a penis was in my car. I was walking a tightrope of anxiety. What if I just drove home and invited him in? He hadn't told me where he needed to go. I got to my apartment building, parked and invited him in. He agreed like it was no big deal. I was so nervous that I left my clean laundry in the trunk. Once inside, Joe asked if he could crash on my couch. Um... "Sure." And that's all that happened. The crotch-grabber went to sleep and so went to the bedroom. Where was his brazenness? Where was the sex? I just assumed that because I didn't know anything about anything, this is how it worked sometimes. I heard him leave early in the morning. Oh well. My first class wasn't until 12:30 PM, so I just frowned and went back to sleep. When I got up I saw that he'd left his phone number and a short note. Want to get a beer at Hawkin's tonight? Call me if you can't go. Otherwise, I'll drop by around 8. J The whole day crawled by. A date! Hawkin's was a rowdy hangout down on the street that was usually packed with strutting frat guys and jocks. Whatever. It was a date. I actually had a DATE! We shared a pitcher and talked over the music. He got cuter with each glass I emptied. It didn't matter that we had no common interests...he was a male. I wanted to get naked with him. In all my earlier nervousness, I'd forgotten to eat any dinner. They didn't serve food here and I told my date that we'd probably have to leave because I was getting woozy and needed food. We walked back to my place and made us both peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (what I basically lived on in those days). Joe thought it was cute. We ended up not going back to the bar. We sat on my couch and watched TV...well HE watched. I just kept waiting for him to make a move. He took his shoes off and rubbed my leg a little. "Feeling better?" "Yeah, But I have to tell you that I've never done anything before." "No kidding. I guessed that the minute I saw you at the laundromat. We will only go as far as you want." We went to my bedroom and he brought his book bag with him. Did he have pajamas or something in there? Weed? I decided right then that I'd do whatever he wanted. He stripped down to his underwear and so did I. I went to switch the light off, but he stopped me. "You ever touched another man's penis?" "Nope." He took down his boxers and there it was. Even today, I can describe it so much detail. It wasn't that big...maybe even a little below average. And it was uncut. "Go ahead. Touch it." I did. It was soft and warmer than my hand was. It stiffened and got a little heavier. "I bet you've never kissed a man either. Right?" Before I could respond, he was kissing me, deeply and passionately. Tongues came out and I was paralyzed with desire and confusion, And relief. I was 22 and this was a long time coming. "Thank you." That's all I could say. "Let's lay down." After we were on the bed, I felt the animal lust emerge. I moved down and started slobbering all over his dick. I tried to do what would make him feel good. I ignored my own penis because it seemed ready to explode at any second. He moaned and writhed. This went on for five or more minutes. "Do you want me to cum now? Or wait?" "I want it inside of me. I want to have sex." "We can do that." He reached over to his book bag and dug out a condom and a half-full tube of KY. "You need to work this stuff into your ass with a couple of fingers. Don't tense up. Relax. He put the rubber on and stroked himself some more. I was so glad the light was still on. My whole body and being felt ready for this. He was on top of me. He carefully tried to aim it right for my bulls eye. I would later go on to find this my favorite thing about having sex....that fumbling moment right when the dick is searching for the perfect spot. And he got in. It didn't hurt that much. Maybe I was just so horny or because he wasn't very big, but it started to feel good right away. "How's that? You doing okay?" "Perfect. Keep going." He pushed onward and I was in another world. I was losing my virginity to this man. We'd move in together some day, get a dog and live happily ever after. He was all the way in and asked me again if I was still OK. I nodded and he started thrusting in and out. "Damn! You're so tight! It hurts!" He soon shot his load and left that hard dick inside of me. That feeling is what I'll remember for the rest of my life. That organ of his fit inside of me perfectly. I hated that he finally pulled it all the way out. He stood up and then immediately sat back down. "Head rush! Can you take the condom off? Check and make sure it's not torn." I tugged the rubber off carefully and he winced, sucking in air between his teeth. "My dick is so sore. Your ass is like a vise." I took the condom to the bathroom and looked at it. There was nothing on it. No poop, no blood. It looked like it just came out of the wrapper except for the teaspoon of semen in the tip. I should have put it in a scrapbook or something, but instead I flushed it. Sad. When I went back to the bedroom, he was still sitting up with his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" "Sorry. I should be asking you that. It was just so intense and rough." "Can I get you something?" "No. No. I just need to lie down for a little." He left about an hour later. I wanted it to happen again, but finals were coming up and I had to get my senior design portfolio together, There was just never a good time for a repeat -- and I didn't even know if he wanted to. In that last busy month of school, I swear to you that I could still feel him inside of me. That sensation of Joe's dick in my ass. I couldn't forget it or ignore it. I had my future to think about. That Summer I got hired by an ad agency that was about two hours away. I took to my new life like a a fish in fresh water. I had more dates and more sex...with guys who were often a lot bigger than Joe. But it was never the same. A few years passed, and the invisible penis was still down there. In me. It caused me so much pleasure, but all he got was pain. That part still bothered me. I'm sure I was looser now. An alumni newsletter arrived in the mail, announcing all the activities lined up for homecoming weekend. Weirdly, I actually wanted to go. Sports and school loyalty never mattered to me before, but I wanted to go. What if Joe still lived there? I tried calling him but the phone just kept ringing and ringing. He didn't seem like a social media kind of guy, but I found his address via the internet. He had moved to a street I remembered well. I guess I would just go and drop in. Maybe he had a boyfriend now. I wanted to at least see him. It was almost 80 degrees that weekend. Fall didn't seem to want to show its face. I checked into a hotel and got myself ready to go see Joe. His house was tiny and a little shabby. The lawn was overgrown and the car I guessed was his was parked at the curb with a flat tire. I knocked. What greeted me was a ghost of the man I remembered. It was Joe alright, but he was thinner and looked way older. He was in a sweater and jeans and slippers. "Hi! "Yes?" "Joe - it's me! Remember? We ...we hung out a little right before I graduated. "Oh yeah. I'm sorry. My eyes aren't that good anymore. Come on in." I walked in. It was hot inside...and smelled medicinal somehow. "You found my new place. I bought it for practically nothing five years ago and intended to fix it up, but that never happened. I got real sick." "I'm so sorry. What's wrong?" "You're kidding, right? I've got AIDS." "B-But there's all kind of new medicine for that now." "I know. You think I don't know? My strain is resistant to all the meds they have." "Oh Joe." "It's been pretty bad lately, but seeing you makes me feel better. Younger. Want a shot? I usually start a fresh bottle of whiskey this time of day." "Sure. Need help?" "I'm not dead yet, kiddo." I sat on the couch and watched him putter slowly around the kitchen. Despite how bad he looked, I felt the phantom dick in my insides twitch and throb. We had a few shots...which turned into several more. I had tickets to the football game, but we watched it on his TV instead. "You look well. How's work?" "Great." "Got a boyfriend?" "I did. We broke up last week. It was no big deal. Hey, Joe -- do you remember how we met?" He looked into the air. "Yeah. You were doing laundry at that place on 7th street. And then you almost broke my dick off." "Did you know that it was the best sex I ever had? That I can still feel you inside of me? I want to feel it again." "Are you crazy? No more whiskey for you." I got up, went to the kitchen and brought the half-empty bottle to the coffee table in front of us. We were quiet for a few minutes, just watching the game." "Do you know that I've never had any kind of contact with a man since I got sick?" "Let's change that." I could see he was pondering. "Do you still have a dick-killing ass or have some of those city boys opened you up a little?" "Only one way to find out." And then he let me undress him. I took off his slippers and kissed his little toes. The jeans came off next. He wasn't wearing underwear and had a pretty respectable boner. I moved to pull off his sweater, but he stopped me. "Don't. I've got these...marks...all over my arms. And I get cold without long sleeves." I moved down between his legs and put his familiar dick in my mouth. "No. Don't...." His words trailed off. I continued sucking. He needed a shower, but it wasn't so bad. "I want you in me, Joe. I want you to fuck me." "No chance. Even if I had a rubber...." "I have one. Two if we need it." "Well...no. Sorry. It's not smart." He was stroking his dick into full hardness. "Call me stupid then." He pulled me toward him and then was on top of me on the couch. "I can't do this." But then he was doing it. "You put the rubber on me, didn't you?" "Yes." It was still in the pocket of my jeans. And then there was the wonderful experience of a dick head poking at my hole. Only this time, it was completely naked and raw. "Oh yeah...your as is more welcoming now. Feels good. Oh! SO good. I haven't cum in forever." Did he really not feel that there was no rubber on his dick? Was he pretending? I didn't care. The phantom dick had been replaced by the real one. It was exactly like I remembered. Perfect fit. I knew what was about to happen. I knew a very toxic virus was going to own my body any second. He heaved and pushed. We both moaned loudly. "I should...I should pull out...We.. Ahhhh!" Then he shot that lethal cum right into me. It was over. I got up quickly, made a tug at his dick and went to the bathroom. Flush. I had to keep the deceit going. He was spent and close to dozing. I put his jeans and slippers back on. And I left. So I went back home and waited. I'd probably get sick soon...with a whole host of new phantoms to deal with.

No. The virus is (or used to be) pretty weak. I once read about a guy who save all his cum, froze it and used it as lube. That's hot to me.

(WARNING: CONTAINS GRAPHIC CONTENT THAT MAY UPSET SOME READERS) 2004 I'm one of those 'night people'. I've always felt more alive after midnight. Leave the daylight to normal people. How I made it through school and college is a total mystery. I had permanent dark circles under my eyes and weighed a mere 130 pounds at 5'10" when I graduated. I was an art student and landed a job doing graphic design for an agency in a mid-sized city. The 9-5 schedule took me a long time to get used to, and I started drinking gallons of coffee and caffeinated sodas just to adjust. The sun would go down on weeknights and normal working people got ready for bed. I tried everything to sleep at night: herbal supplements, crystals, meditation, etc. I finally went to a doctor. There was a new sleeping pill being heavily advertised on TV. You know the one. I wanted that even though it had a long list of heinous side effects. I was desperate. My doctor was only too willing to prescribe it, but only after I answered a bunch of questions. "Are you or have you ever walked in your sleep?" "No," (Lie. I did it all the time as a kid.) "Do you drink alcohol?" "Not often." (lie) "Well, be aware that this pill can be habit-forming." I was aware, but sleep was habit forming too. What wasn't? Food was 'habit-forming', as was Oxygen and water. All I just wanted to sleep at night for Christ's sake. He gave me the prescription with two refills. I promised I'd call him if I suffered any side effects, and that was that. I'd read stories about this pill...people eating everything out of the fridge in their sleep or driving in their sleep. That was pretty scary, but I needed rest so badly. The first night I took the pill, I slept the whole night. A few weird dreams, but nothing noteworthy. This drug was my new best friend! I was happy for a week, but then weird shit started happening. I'd wake up like normal only to find my furniture rearranged in some new way or the leftover pizza gone. My dreams got really explicit and yet I wasn't all the concerned. One morning, my coworker Larry asked me if I was OK. "Yeah. Why?" "You don't remember calling me? You woke me up." "I did? Are you sure it was me?" "Yeah. At first I thought you were drunk, but you sounded perfectly normal. You told me all about how you wished you had a better relationship with your older brother. And then you told me you were gay and lonely. I figured it was a joke." "Yeah. No. Sorry, man. I started taking this new sleeping pill and I must have called you when I was out of it." "Be careful. I've heard about that stuff. Don't drive in your sleep...you could kill somebody. Hide your keys or something." "Sorry I woke you." Shit. I wouldn't tell my doc about this. Despite the weirdness, I loved being functional during the day. But then I began noticing that the hood of my car was warm in the morning. I'd driven without realizing it! Where had I gone? What did I do? This had to stop. The clinic was closed, but I would definitely call the doc tomorrow. And I would have if I hadn't come down with a severe case of the flu that night. It was bad. My fever was really high and I was freezing no matter how high the thermostat was set. I was coughing like crazy, but the fever was the worst. Stupid me didn't believe in taking anything for a fever because it was the body's way of killing the virus. So I let it peak. No virus could survive this heat. I kept taking the pills because sleep was the only relief I had now. The dreams were vivid and bizarre...and very sexual. I dreamed of hard dicks and pubic hair and tattoos. I'd spend all night in pure erotic bliss and then wake up to more misery. This repeated for nearly a week. I'd suck dicks all night and cough my lungs up during the day. The most explicit dream was about walking through a long hallway that seemed familiar somehow. There were doors on all sides, but I headed straight for the sound of running water. Was this a dream? It felt almost too real. Then I was in a cavernous concrete room that was poorly-lit. If I was dreaming, I should be able to make it brighter. "Where's the light?", I asked loudly. "Hold on," a man's voice said. The light went on, but it was still pretty dim. "Well look who's here! It's Slim! How you feelin', Slim?" There were five completely naked guys standing around under a shower nozzle in the wall. It was gym class or something. Most of the naked men had full boners. "You didn't look well last night. I thought maybe we'd fucked you too hard or something, but you're back for more! Yay!" "I know you?" "Oh man -- that hurts my feelings. I was your first. You need to lay off the weed a little. Try this." He held a little bottle under my nose. I sniffed and that made me cough like crazy. I was sure my waking self was also coughing. "Maybe he needs to lay down," another deep voice said. "Let's put him on the bench." "This is a dream." "Yeah, Slim. That's exactly what this is. You're dreaming now." the others chuckled and whispered. I was lying on my back. In the sparse light I could see I was surrounded by hard-ons, bald heads, tattoos and leather arm bands. There were more than five now. "How many are here?" "Enough to make this your best dream ever. You want lube or you wanna go dry like last night?" "What?" "Let Jeff go first. He hasn't bred you yet. Go ahead, Jeff." A big, bearded ape of a man stood next to me and let his hard dick poke me in the eye. Ouch. I'm glad my waking self had taken my contacts out. "I like that. Do it again, Jeff." More chuckling. He poked that hard rod into both eyes until I could barely see. "Can I fuck his eyes out?" "No. Let's keep it a little more sane tonight. We've already done enough weird shit to the poor kid." "Fine. But I gotta piss first." He aimed that fat head right at my mouth and I saw the first few drops fall before a blast hit me in the lips. It was hot and odorless. "He digs that! Look at how hard he is. I'm gonna go now too." Then there were three or four streams hitting me in various places. "Piss in his eyes!" And somebody did. It didn't sting at all...in fact, I thought I would ejaculate right then. My vision was blurry but I could see that ape Jeff get between my legs and started licking my asshole. I shot my load. Best dream ever! "Sorry, guys." "Don't worry, Slim. You cum several times every night. That was just your warm-up shot." Jeff was on top of me. His big belly was so hairy and his beard was rubbing my face raw. I could feel his hard tool push deep into me. It felt a little painful and a little amazing. "Damn. You guys have him all loosened up. When do I get to break a cherry ass?" "When you quit the third shift and get here at a normal hour of night. I was his first, and he took it like a champ." Jeff had a tattoo under the hair on his chest. I tried to see what it was, but it was hard to make out. It kept changing. At first it looked like some kind of symbol but then it became a skull. He was really thrusting into me with full force. It was so nice. Was he my boyfriend in this dream? I reached around and hugged him like he was. That set something off in his brain because he went deeper and faster. "Here it comes!! Ah Shit!!" He bucked and spasmed a few more times before stopping. We lie there for about ten seconds before he stood up and shook some remaining cum drops on my legs. "What's your tattoo, Jeff?" He laughed as did the others. "You need a tattoo also, Slim. We've already marked your insides...maybe it's time to mark the skin." I don't even know who was talking. let's get you something on your skin. Whispers. "Hold out your arm." I did. I felt a razor blade go through the soft skin of my inner arm. Huh? Then the first guy stood next to me and cut his own arm. He pressed his fresh wound against mine. "I'm your blood bother now." Then everybody else wanted to do it. I was cut in multiple places and got contact from all their lacerations. It didn't make sense, but I didn't say anything. Dreams are just weird. The rest of them fucked me and it felt great every time. A few of them went twice and a few of them wanted their cum swallowed -- which I was all too happy to do. Sperm tastes like lemons and salt and life. "I could live on sperm." "Well, we can arrange that, Slim." And the, a parade of dicks of all shapes, sizes and colors were in my mouth, feeding me seed. Sometimes a bare asshole would be planted on my mouth. Some of them smelled bad, but in a nice way. More pee. Best dream ever. "Don't leave now, Slim." But I needed to go. My phone was ringing. It was my boss asking if I was feeling any better. Coughing. "Yeah. I think my fever has broken. I should be back in a day or two." "Well, make sure you're well. Half the staff is out sick." "OK. Bye. Thanks for calling." I actually did feel better. A little weak maybe, but not like before. And thirsty. My mouth was so dry and my lips were chapped. And I had bled all over my comforter. I was cut up in eight different places. I had enough strength to dress myself and go outside. Mail had piled up. The hood of my car was warm. Wherever that dream took place, it was within driving distance. I knew what I'd done and what had been done to me. It was all a dream, though. I was blameless and so were they. That dream stayed inside of me forever.

I meant to preface this story with a warning. I don't advocate violence against anyone. I sometimes start stories without knowing how they'll end. This one got very graphic as I typed. Just because I have sick fantasies, doesn't mean I'd wish anyone else to hurt or be hurt.

Those are my favorite bareback tops. Anybody know what they're up to now? I'd pay money to get fucked by any of them...or just sleep in a pile of their dirty laundry. Recent videos?

WARNING: This story contains quite a bit of violence. I consider myself pretty laid-back and generally pleasant. I have some esteem issues: I wish I was taller. I wish I could grow a decent beard. I wish my dick was bigger. But, generally, I was happy. One thing about me that I never doubted was my sense of humor. I could make people laugh with my wit. I could talk to anyone and instinctively know how to engage them with humor. I'm also pretty smart. I was always the smartest guy at a social gathering. That's probably how I ended up with Jimmy - the guy I was "dating". He was smart, a few years older than me and very nice looking. He went to the gym regularly but was never able to convince me to go with him. My dad was an orthopedic surgeon and had always told me stories about how guys who worked out with weights would eventually have problems with their joints. "Yeah", he'd say "You look good in your 20's and 30's, but eventually you'll need a hip, knee or shoulder replaced." I tried telling this to he ignored me. We were probably going to break up pretty soon. It wasn't just the gym issue -- we had problems in the bedroom. I was way too cautious for his liking. I wouldn't suck his dick unless he had a condom on. I never let him fuck me because condoms can break. So our little fling had an expiration date. For now, though, we still went out and were pleasant to each other. One evening last July, we went to this restaurant where a guy he knew would be working, "We can sit at the bar and drink for free. Thomas and Tony and those guys are gonna meet us there." It wasn't too busy that night. I thought we'd eat dinner first, but instead we just went directly to the bar where this friend of his was working. His nae was Aaron and was extremely tall and around my age (26). He wasn't too bad to look at either. Blonde, thin and smirking, I almost decided to not like him. There was something about him that bugged me. But it was going to be a fun night with a big group of our friends and free booze. I needed to lose whatever was bothering me and be myself. Jimmy had told me on the way over that while we could drink for free, we still had to tip him. "Aaron lives on tips. He's been a stripper for both sexes, a dancer and possibly even more. I've heard he also does escort work." The others showed up and everybody started drinking. The restaurant started emptying out as it got later. They closed at 11, and the plan was for all of us to go to this big dance club that was the hottest gay spot in town. I never really liked going there because that kind of music is relentlessly the same. The young straights had started showing up in greater numbers. I only agreed to go because Jimmy liked it and I figured I should do something to make him happy. We drank merrily and I made sure to keep adding dollars to the counter. It turns out that Aaron was pretty amusing. He had quick, witty comments that had everyone cracking up. Wait a minute. That was what I did. I was supposed to be the funny one. Where did that leave me now? So I sulked. Aaron continued his entertaining and I continued drinking. And tipping less. "Hey", he suddenly announced,"make room and leave a stool open. My date is here. He's coming with us tonight." It was little, round old guy who was in a suit. "Yup", said Jimmy, "He's hustling for sure. Look at that old geezer. He must have a lot of money." Aha. I had something to one-up Mr. Clever now. As Aaron talked to his 'client', I made a few quips that got the crowd back over to my side. I was maybe louder than I thought I was being (alcohol does that to me). Maybe Aaron heard some of it or maybe he didn't. He had to do his work with the old guy, but he was keenly aware that he was no longer the star. After an hour, the grandpa had to go home for his pills. I didn't even have to make a joke about that. I just chuckled a little as Aaron turned a green-eyed glare right at me. For the next half-hour he directed all his sharp wit at me. He insulted my shirt and my baby face and my haircut. I kept up with him and traded jab for jab. Jimmy was upset because he'd never seen this side of me before. I said cruel things to the bartender and he said cruel things to me. Some of the other guys got uncomfortable and started to leave. "We'll meet you all there," somebody said. As much as he hated me, Aaron kept refilling my glass. But I didn't let it go. I started to sneak back some of the tips I'd left. That was maybe the last straw for Jimmy. "We're leaving! You ruined the night." "I'm not done with my gin and tonic. And I didn't ruin anything. He did." "He's an ass, but so are you. And he's got AIDS on top of everything else. Give him a break." Jimmy made his way to the door and tried one last time to get me to go with him, but I wouldn't budge. "Fine. Take a cab." And then he was gone. I was alone with just Aaron and two other guys from our group. They had just started dating and were making out. I watched them and felt my rage break apart like a dropped block of ice. I was a jerk. A drunk jerk. Closing time was approaching and I had to figure out how to get home. Aaron asked me if I wanted one more. "Look. I'm sorry. I really am a nice guy. Just a bad night I guess. Jimmy and I are broken up as of now." He didn't say anything. Just stood there. "It's OK. Have another drink and let me close up. I'll give you a ride to the club. I doubt if Jimmy will be there" He shooed the love couple out and locked the door. He took off his apron and wiped down the counter. I thought he'd grab his keys and we'd head out, but he seemed to want to hang around for a bit. He brought a bottle of something clear and came and sat down next to me. "This is top shelf shit. Have a little, but go slow." "Again - I'm sorry." "No problem. Let's start again. Hi, I'm Aaron." He offered his hand and I shook it. "I'm Ted. Nice to meet you." We drank and talked. He was still witty, but the bite was gone. As was mine. Maybe he wasn't a bad guy after all. "So...are you a stripper?" Why the hell did I ask that? "Yeah. I've done it all. I've danced in cages before. You can really get cut up in those things. I still have scars. I also made a porno once or twice. Guys like to look at my big dick and I always need money. That's how it's been since I was 18." "What was making a porn movie like?" "Ugh. It takes forever and it's so hot with all the lights. Want to see one I was in?" "Yes", I said way too quickly. "My boss has one of the DVDs in his office. Let's go. Let me turn the lights off and I'll take you back." We were soon in shadows. "Why does your boss have one of your pornos?" "How do you think I got hired? I never even went to bartending school." Oh. Makes sense. The office was behind the kitchen and looked fairly normal. There was a desk, computer, a few chairs, a small couch, and a big TV on the wall. He closed the door and locked it. ? "You know, Jimmy is one of my oldest friends. You've put him through hell. He didn't deserve any of your shit." "Wha A fist landed on the side of my head and I fell to the floor. It was carpeted. but I still saw a blue flash when I landed. He'd tricked me. I may have blacked out for a second. My dad had once told me that people who suffer a concussion will see lights and colors when their brains slosh against the side of the skull. Shit. "I've been wanting to do that for the last two hours, Mr. Ken. And it's far from over. You made fun of my friend....got any more jokes now?" Another fist landed on my jaw. "I--I..." "Just lay there, Ken. Be quiet until I decide how to make you pay for the tips you stole from me." Shit. I'd meant to put those bills back once we were friendly again, but I had a concussion and a possibly broken jaw to think about. I could hear him undressing. "Can you move? Take your clothes off, smart ass." I attempted to sit up and he kicked me in the ribs. I groaned and was back down. Helpless. "Never mind. I'll do it for you now that you're almost helpless. Almost." And then another kick landed into the other side of my rib cage. It was hard to breathe as it was and my brain probably needed oxygen badly. He stripped off all the clothes off my immobile body. "He's going to kill me," I thought. Or maybe I said it aloud. My mind was trying so hard to reassemble itself. Then Aaron did a weird thing. He turned all of the office lights on. I guess he did it to hurt my eyes and make me hurt more. That wasn't it. "Open your eyes, Dickless." I tried. He held his bare ankle up in front of my face. "See that, Ken?" See what? Once I focused a little, I saw a purple bruise on the side of his foot. It was a bruise, but it also was raised like a burn or a scar. "Make a joke! Now!" I tried to speak but couldn't. It was his AIDS that he was showing me. I already knew. "Poor little Ken. I think one of my toenails caused a cut on your side. I don't trim them very often because I'm so busy TRYING TO STAY ALIVE!!" If he wanted to kill me, I wish he would just do it. I felt as good as dead anyway and just wanted the pain gone. "Here. Smell this." He placed one of his giant feet right on my face. "Take a good long whiff, you fuckin' asshole. Good. Now kiss it. Kiss the bottom of my foot." He seemed to really like this because the violence stopped. I kissed both soles over and over again. "Jimmy told me you were a big fan of rubbers. Don't have to worry about that now...there's not a Trojan within a mile of here. Dumbass." I needed a doctor, a hospital. "I'd piss all over you, but I don't want to stink up my boss's carpet. Open your mouth. You're going to take it right from the spout. Spill any of it, and I'll break all your teeth out." He straddled my face and put his heavy dick in my mouth. A half-second later I felt his stream of urine hit my throat like a water hammer. I swallowed and swallowed. If I could tell you what i tasted Like I would. But it all went straight down my pipe. He must have really had to go because I couldn't keep up. A little bit leaked out from my lips and some of it went on the floor. Shit. Goodbye teeth. I didn't do so bad because all I got was one of his wide open palms striking me directly in the mouth. I'd miss my two front teeth. They were loose and blood was now filling my mouth. "Moron. What did I tell you? I should shoot a load right onto your bloody gums and get this over with. But there are other plans in the works. Whatever. I was losing life. My body was retreating in defeat and I knew I was done for. "I'm going to fuck your ass now. I should fist you or stick my foot up there, but that'd still leave me with full balls.' Whatever. I didn't care any more. He put my shirt and jeans beneath my butt. Why? I was about to find out. He splayed my legs open and put his famous penis into my hole. Not gently. He just plowed right in and started bucking his hips. Yes, it hurt...but my whole being was in pain. "You talk and talk and make jokes. You're smart, Kenny. but you couldn't outsmart your way out of this. You've got my poz dick in your ass and no way to stop me from cumming. Let me enjoy this...for a few...for a few...more...AHHHH!!!" He climaxed. Darkness. "Wake up!" He was already dressed and so was I. Somehow. I had blood all over me. I had a headache from hell and my whole body had its own headache. "Can you walk, Ken?" I made an attempt. Nope. I was too busy dying. He lifted me up and helped me walk out. We got near Shaynee Street and stopped. "This is a pretty busy street...somebody will pick you up. Maybe a cop. So now I have I have to leave town again. For a virgin fuck, you weren't even that good." He drug me into the shadows of some flowering bushes and started beating the shit out of me again. And then he was gone. I could feel so many parts of me bleed. My head was pounding like a bass drum in a marching band. Shaynee Street. There was a hospital close. I could probably crawl there. So I tried worming my way up out of the shadows. Tried. I woke up in a dim, white room in a comfortable bed. I had a plastic mask over my nose and mouth and an IV in my arm. My parents were there and a nurse and two cops. I was gong to live! But live with the results of my stupid mouth. Jimmy sent flowers. "

1998 I've been a practical, plan-ahead, cautious guy. Maybe it's because I grew up in a chaotic household or whatever, but I always knew I wanted to be a responsible adult some day... and now I was. I had a good job, a little house with a sensible mortgage, and I lived life without much drama. It was a quiet, sensible existence, although somewhat lonely at times. I was gay, but I didn't have any gay friends. i didn't go to bars and never drank alcohol. I'd seen enough of drunken stupidity as a kid. I liked my co-workers and I liked my boss. Everything was fine....until it wasn't. What was the first sign? I'm not sure. I remember finding a cigarette butt in my driveway, but I'd guessed it was from the mail guy or maybe it just blew in with other trash I'd sometimes find in my yard. I didn't think more about it. And then I started getting strange phone calls - on both my cell and land line. If I answered, the other party would hang up. If I didn't answer, my voicemail would fill up with cryptic messages: "You in?" "Wash your car." "I can see you." Called ID was no help because all the numbers were different and none of them could be called back. I just turned off voicemail on both phones. Nobody needed to reach me anyway. I was isolated. I couldn't not answer or turn off the voicemail at work however. Nothing weird ever happened there. Impossible. But one afternoon, I got back from getting coffee to find three voicemail messages that were from the same person. It was a man with a deep voice. All of it was the same nonsense Id heard before. None of them were sinister, but they were definitely creepy. How did this person know all of my phone numbers? I started getting paranoid. I even changed all the numbers, but after a few more days, the calls would resume. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Why? What was the point? If the purpose was to make me scared, it worked. I lowered my blinds and made sure my door was locked. I thought about getting a German Shepherd, but that would mean walking him and putting myself out in the open. I called a couple of home alarm companies, but the cost was ridiculous. I just stayed home behind a locked door and closed windows while the phones kept ringing. And then I got an email: "Tired yet? You can make this stop by leaving your bedroom window unlocked. You ass is my goal. Give that up and things will go back to normal" What the fuck?? I couldn't reply to the email of course. It didn't exist. I changed all my passwords immediately. I didn't use the computer much these days except for work stuff and maybe some casino games, but there was a time I used to go to gay chat rooms and look at porn and stuff like that. Not anymore. Nope. That's probably where this guy got all my information. I should be okay now. I had taken every precaution possible. I set up a firewall and basked in the warmth of those flames. I sat in my little "office" in the back room and played solitaire. Nothing happened for a week. My phone rang at work one morning: "Hello?" "One is the loneliest number.." "Excuse me?" "You heard me. When are you going to let me cum inside your ass?" "Not interested. Call someone else. LEAVE ME ALONE!!" I didn't realize how loud I was until other people in my office dropped by to ask if I was okay. So I stayed home alone and played solitaire over and over. My IM dinged: "Is this all you do now? Lose card games hour after hour?" Something broke in me. "What do you want from me? Who are you?" "I told you what I want. Let down your guard and let me in. I will leave you alone after I fuck your ass raw. Deal?" Weirdly, I was suddenly aroused. I had a helpless boner that just would not go away. It was storming outside. "Fine. You win. I surrender. When?" "Not now. The weather is bad and I'm drenched. Plus you need to shave." And then he disappeared from the screen. OK. The stalker had won. I was going to give in and let whatever happen. I hardly slept at all that night. It thundered and rained for hours. He said he was drenched. Was he looking through a window at me? All the blinds were closed, but maybe there was a peeking spot. I went outside the next morning and looked around. I saw more cigarette butts and some huge footprints in the mud. It had rained since our chat. Maybe he had hung around afterward. I called in sick to work. My phone rang shortly afterwards. I answered. "Don't waste any more sick time. You're going to be needing it soon enough. Take a shower, shave and leave your house unlocked. See you after dark." It was early. I tried to take a nap, but I kept having flashes of dreams of this mystery man. He's won alight -- he was inside my head now. I showered, shaved and groomed. I made the bed and sprinkled sage oil around the room. It was barely even dusk now and I was already coming out of my skin with anxiety. I dressed really quickly and drove down to the corner liquor store. I needed to relax. The store was small, but so crowded with bottles of everything that I had no idea what to buy. The old lady at the register asked if I needed help and I stood there, looking stupid. "Y-yeah...what do you recommend?" "Pardon?" "I mean...if you needed a drink right now because you were stressed, what would you have?" "I figured you needed to sleep. You're wearing pajama bottoms." Oh shit. I was. My mind was so occupied that I'd put on pajama pants instead of jeans. Did I remember a wallet? No. "I'm so sorry to bother you. I left my money at home. I'll come back." "No problem. You've got an open account already. Some tall gentleman just came in here, described you and said he'd pay for whatever you wanted. Friend of yours?" "Yes." The guy was always a step ahead of me, and I'd rather have someone like that as a friend than an enemy. "Well, I'd suggest some Grey Goose vodka. It's smooth as hell and always puts me in a good mood. It's expensive, but you're not paying -- get the big bottle." And I did. By the time I got back home it was dark. I was shaking as I went in my unlocked door. I somehow managed to pour a short glass of vodka. Are you supposed to ice to it? Water? Coke? I drank it straight. It burned my insides,but in a good way. It was officially night. I took one more drink and headed for bed. I left all the lights off. Inside my bedroom, I flipped on a lava lamp in the corner. I didn't want complete blackness. Not yet. I took off my t-shirt and sandals and lied back in bed. Every little noise set my nerves on edge, but I guess the vodka was kicking in because I started to finally doze for a a bit. It was raining hard again. The great thing about lava lamps is that the light is never the same. It swirls and tumbles slowly as you watch. Another storm was moving through. I slept hard before a really huge clap of thunder woke me up. What time was it? I looked around for my digital clock and saw him standing there. "There might be a tornado coming. Prepared for the worst?" I was confused and alarmed. The stalker man was standing a few feet away from me wearing a black plastic raincoat with his bare legs and bare feet showing. He was 6'7" at least, but I couldn't see his face because he had the hood on and was facing away from the meager light. "Nice lava lamp. It smells different in here.... like oranges. Did you do that for me?" "You've been in here before?" "Many times. It usually smells like fabric softener and you. I know your smell by heart." Seriously? I needed to wake up a little. "Here", he said, handing me a full glass of vodka. "Have an eye-opener." I gulped it like a pro. "Very nice. I used the nice glasses your grandma left you. Need a refill? I brought the bottle." "I want to see you." "You will. Have another shot first. Have two. I've already had my share of it." I drank as much as I thought I could stand, wiped my mouth, and sat up. Whoa. Head rush! "No more until I see you", I said impatiently He just kept standing there before finally parting the bottom of his raincoat, revealing a huge erect penis that was pointing right at me. I was breathless. He was naked underneath that rain gear. "Lie back down. All will be revealed, kid." I did. There was a crinkling of plastic and then silence. Suddenly he was on top of me. In the weak light, I could see his head was shaved bald. He had a big, handsome face that was a little shrunken somehow. He didn't look evil, but he didn't look normal either. "You won. You said you wanted my ass. Take it." "I won, but so did you....sort of. Lie still." He shoved a long finger in my butt. It wasn't comfortable, but not painful either. Then it was two fingers. Ow. "Relax. Think of my dick. I know you liked it when you saw it." Yeah. I did. He tried three fingers, but it wouldn't work. "You're almost there. Push your hole out a little." I tried. I really did. And then he held a small bottle under my nose and told me to inhale. It smelled like the stuff I used to clean my laptop screen. It made me dizzy and a little sick, but the three fingers were deep inside of me somehow. I liked it. I never even thought of that part of my body before and now it was being treated to this wonderful sensation. Damn. "Good. Good. Now I need you to make me feel good. I'm gonna sit on your face so you can eat my ass. He was suddenly planted there right on my head. His ass was nice and hard and skinny. I thought by "eat" he meant "lick" and so that's what I did. I wore my tongue out working on his anus. He kept telling me how good I was. I thought I might shoot my load right then, but he pulled away. I thought that's all he had in mind until his dick entered my mouth from on top. Hell, he invaded my mouth and throat before I could even understand what was happening. His tender, skinny thighs were squeezing my head from both sides. "Earn this dick!" I swallowed and gagged and felt close to vomiting, but every time I felt overwhelmed by penis, he'd back off a little. It was like he was reading me. I kept sucking him and noting new flavors. "You have to stop now. I'm not wasting a load down your throat." He let me have more sips of vodka and more sniffs of the cleaning fluid. I noticed how good I was feeling as he spread my legs apart. He put his dick up against my hole and teased me a little. He moved in and plowed directly into me. No rubber or anything. I guess the fingers and booze and that sniffing stuff had worked because I was fine. It pinched a little, but I loved having that glorious dick inside of me. "I'm so close to coming. I'll try to...I...Ohhh. Hold on!" He started bucking and thrusting. "Shit. It's too late. I'm giving you your prize now!!" He came and my dick spontaneously shot a wad that landed on his stomach. And then we stayed in position for a long time. He rolled off and lied next to me. We watched the purplish-pink lights from the lava lamp play on the ceiling. "Lava lamps are cool because they're always changing. Like you. Whether you feel it or not, your body is changing right now. I changed you forever. Are you aware of that?" "Yes." "No, I mean I just.." "Yes." "Ah. Smart. You've always been smart. I knew that about you." "How? I mean, how did you keep track of me and see me no matter what I did? How?" "You know. You just don't know you know." "How do you move?" Strange question, considering everything...but it seemed like the right thing to ask. "Like dust motes. Ever been staring into a ray of light through a window and seen dust floating in the air...and then they move quickly in one direction and you don't know how or why? That's me and that's how I move." Oh. I thought about the army of viral invaders in my bloodstream right now. It wasn't like I had a choice. We slept. His long, narrow feet stuck out over the end of the bed. Maybe that's why he was gone in the morning. I kept leaving all the doors unlocked and sleeping with my lava lamp on. Sometimes he visited again. Then I got the flu really bad and he was over constantly. He took care of me until I recovered. "Keep looking at the lights. I changed you, but you can change yourself as well. I'll be back." Beautiful, soft colors at night. I knew he would be there whenever I needed him.

1994 It's pretty unfair that when you're young and the most horny you'll ever be in your life, your judgement is so poor. That was me at 23. I'd always made good grades and had a reputation for being practical and responsible, but I wasn't exactly wise...especially when it came to sex. I knew I was gay and I knew about AIDS (or thought I did) and I knew I had a boner all the time. I had read enough and seen enough to know that most HIV+ guys were really skinny. I just assumed that all the really thin guys I saw were infected and all the hefty men were healthy. So I was only attracted to the huskier guys I saw. I forgot about the fact that I was super slim and looked like a beanpole. I liked to see some fat on a man. Now I'm not saying I liked the obesity or anyone so fat they need help standing up from a chair unassisted. I had a specific type. I liked big men with beer guts. I especially liked if they didn't try to disguise their stomachs with over-sized shirts or sweaters. My ideal was a broad man who didn't care that he had love handles or a big ass. Back then, all the males my age were gym-obsessed and vain. They watched their diets and flexed and dressed in clothes that enhanced their 'perfect' physiques. No thanks. I wanted a real man who was just himself and not wondering what everybody thought of his body. I made eye contact with a lot of fat men at the grocery store and at work. I tried to send a mental signal that I wanted them, but they probably couldn't read it. By shear luck, I found a bar nearby that seemed to cater to 'real' men. It was a tiny little gay tavern that only played country music. I hated the tunes but loved the patrons. These were what you'd call "good old boys". I tried to fit in as best I could. I made friends with the female bartender. At least I assumed she was female. I'd learned that some drag queens were so good at their craft, that you couldn't believe they were men. Anyway -- Ellie and I chatted all the time as I sat there alone at the bar. I once asked her if she liked her job and if the music didn't get on her nerves at times. "I get pretty good tips and the music doesn't bother me so much anymore. Some of it is actually pretty good. As it gets later, Ken sometimes plays some old rock 'n roll." "Ken?" "He's the DJ. Go request something if you want. Ooh -- request some Tanya Tucker. That girl is my soul sister, I swear." I slid off the bar stool and carried my beer over to the tiny DJ booth. Ken was a short, fat guy with his shirt unbuttoned to the navel. I'm sure he did that because he had an impressive amount of chest and belly fur. "Ellie wanted me to ask you to play some Tanya Tucker." He didn't hear me. I guess his hearing was shot. He wasn't that old, but lots of guys in his profession had some form of nerve deafness. He looked at me and gave a winning smile. "Hi. I'm Ken. You new here?" I said (louder this time) "Hi. I'm Eddie. Can you play some non-country?" "What? Like Beastie Boys? No, sorry. The crowd comes for this stuff." Ken and I talked a lot. I thought he was too busy for a chat because he kept switching records and fiddling with turntables, but he beckoned me back every time I walked away. He was a talker. He also had a longtime lover. Oh well. We chatted a bit longer and then he played a song called "Behind Closed Doors" by some guy I'd never heard of. It was a sexy song and I liked it a lot. It fit my mood so well. Some of the regulars came over to request stuff and talk to him so I went back to the bar. Ellie was busy too. I was on my own. I stood around and watched the pool game which seemed to a big thing here. The guys playing were really good and really into it. One of them was so eager to make a shot that he backed all the way up and I had to move. I shuffled away and bumped into somebody. "Shit. Sorry." "No problem, little man. These guys are fierce competitors." I looked him up and down. He was perfect. A 6'2" bear, wearing a flannel shirt tucked into his faded jeans and giant cowboy boots. He had a big gut, but it was solid. I'd felt it when I backed into him. "Hey. I'm sorry again. Let me go get you a beer." "S'okay, dude. Let me finish this one first and then we'll go have a real drink. Besides, Don't you wanna see who wins this?" I made wish after wish that somebody would win soon. And then the game was over I guess. I don't know anything about pool -- although the sound of the balls clacking was interesting. "Let's head up to the bar and let Ellie serve us a couple of boilermakers. Sound good?" I had no idea what a boiler maker was, but I wanted to be with this man. We sat and he almost wordlessly asked Ellie for the "real" drinks. "I never seen you here before. What's your name?" "I'm Eddie. I come here pretty often, but really can't take the music for very long." "My name's Eddie too. Well...'Ed'. You seriously don't like any of the music?" "No. I just like the vibe here. But there was one song I liked...some song about being inside closed doors." "Charlie Rich. My man. Go buy the CD tomorrow. You won't be sorry." "What do you do, Ed?" "This and that. I mostly do construction or landscaping. I've been poor and hired out for a long time. Can I ask how old you are?" "22. I'll be 23 next month." ""Hell! I've got underwear older than you, Eddie!" He laughed. Ever had a boilermaker? They're good. We sat and sipped them and made idle chat for a long time. I was really sick of the music, but liked Ed's company. The bar was emptying out. Ellie was giving me looks and trying to communicate something with her eyes, but I couldn't read it. About that time, DJ Ken started playing some old rock. "I Wanna Hold Your Hand", "Good Vibrations", "Crocodile Rock", etc. Ed could see my face light up. "You like oldies, huh? Well, I'm 45. You ought to like me." "Oh, I liked you already, Ed." Drunk. I was officially drunk. I would have never been so open otherwise. Ken was looking over at us and grinning like a fool. He played even more rock and I was bouncing in my seat a little. "Wanna dance?", he asked casually. "There's no dance floor here." "Let's go in the back and make our own dance floor. Come on." He pointed me to a dark corner and told me to wait while he got us a couple of shots. I stood in the shadows near a dart board while he fetched more alcohol. Nobody else was here except for Ken and Ellie. As Ed walked back, he had few quick words with DJ Ken. The place was silent and very dark. He handed me a glass and told me to drink it fast. I did. "Ready to dance, Little Eddie?" "There's no music.' That's when "Behind Closed Doors" slowly snaked out of the speakers. Perfection. Ed embraced me close. We didn't so much dance as we made out. He kissed me so hard that I was sure is beard and mustache would rip my lips off. His big stomach felt like heaven and my own powerlessness against his weight gave me a huge boner. He had one too. It was thick, man-sized boner that pressed into me through his jeans. "Can I take you to my place, Little Eddie? It's close." "I want that." "I want you!" We left just as Ellie was about to announce 'last call'. Ed of course drove a giant pickup. I almost hoped he would drag me into the back of it and fuck me there. But I climbed up into the front seat and away we sped. He had a major audio system but never got a chance to let me hear it because we were at his little house within minutes. Once inside, he told me to get comfortable as he rapidly took off his boots. "I take my shoes off the second I get home." I looked down at his giant feet. He was wearing white socks that probably needed a washing or two. His big belly was hypnotizing and I couldn't help but stare at it with lust. "Checkin' out my crotch, boy/' "All of you, Ed. You're perfect.' "Perfect, huh? Let's see what you got. Strip." I did. I removed all my clothes and he led me back to his dark bedroom. He instructed me to lie on my stomach....which I did while he took off the rest of his clothes. And then he was on top of my back. He supported himself on his elbows as he kissed my neck. "No. Put your full weight on me." He did. He was probably close to 300 pounds and I was sunk all the way down into the mattress. He wiggled and writhed all over me. I could feel his dick poke me here and there. He rolled me over to face him. "Want to be fucked, Eddie?" "Yes." "Ever been fucked before?" "No." "Well, OK. This will take a little time then. Suck me bit first. He hovered right above me...that beautiful gut brushed against my eyes as he aimed his prick into my mouth. I sucked that organ like my life depended on it. I needed him to feel good. He responded with thrusts that bumped into the back of my throat. My gag reflex was overcome by my ecstasy. "Shiiitttt, Little Man! I don't want to cum now." He stood up, his hard dick bouncing, and fumbled around in a drawer. He stood over me with a condom and tube of KY. He lubed my ass up as well as his sheathed dick. He got back down on top of me and we kissed long and hard. He tried working that meat into my ass, but it just couldn't even make a dent. I reached down and pulled at the rubber. "Leave it be, Eddie.' He eventually got the head in my hole. It hurt like hell, but the feeling of his heavy stomach on mine was so nice. He worked a few more inches in and I had to stop it. "Take off the condom, Ed. It's burning me." "Fuck no. This rubber is for you, boy. Not me. I got dirty seed and I ain't about to give it to you." "PLEASE?" "You serious? You understand what you're asking?" "I'm not an idiot." "Well -- Yes you are, But OK." He slid the greasy condom off and held it front of my face. There was blood on it. He put one big finger into it and poked a gaping hole in the end. It was useless latex now. But he had an evil grin on his face. "Thanks. Let's go." "Damn, Eddie. I thought you were smarter. I should have made you sign something first.", he said as he kept lubing up his naked dick. "It's too late to go back now.' i heard his voice. He was as excited as I was. And then he plunged back in, splitting my torso in half. I couldn't scream because one of his big paws was over my mouth. '"Too late. Too late. No crying now. Get ready." He arched up and pushed harder. I wanted to reach around and grab his huge ass, but was unable. He was taking away all my strength. "You're getting it now, stupid boy. I'm giving you the worst souvenir ever. AHHHH!" And then it was over. I couldn't get sick from this? He was heavy and healthy. I got sick alright. Ed came to my apartment and nursed me through a very bad flu. c

2003 You pay the price for being too cautious. By the time I realized I was gay (first year of college), it was already widely known that HIV was transferred via sharing bodily fluids. Some activities were safer than others, but I avoided them all. I never did anything with anyone. I had plenty of gay friends because I was in art school, but none of them were abstinent. They went out and experimented in bars and parks, while I stayed home and drew in my sketchbook with reruns of "Bosom Buddies" on TV. Everybody told me I was wasting my youth, but at least I knew I was healthy. I graduated and moved to a semi-large city where the gay life was a little more active. Or so I'd heard....I stayed celibate and careful. I once hooked up with a nice-looking gay man who loved in my apartment building. I was so nervous and afraid of the encounter that I ruined the evening. I wouldn't even kiss him on the mouth. "What's the problem?", he finally asked. I told him I didn't want his spit in my mouth. "Are you serious?" He couldn't believe it. I told him my fears and he told me in no uncertain terms that I would someday overcome my fears but it'd be too late. I'd be too old for anyone to want. That hurt. But he was probably right. My 30th birthday had just passed and the 40's were on their way. I had a few gray hairs already. I'd spent so much energy trying not to die that I'd forgotten to live. Maybe it was time to change. I remember from high school algebra class that every equation has two separate sides that are opposite each other. Somehow I moved over to the other side and felt a switch click on in my brain. I'd get on my desktop computer and Google thongs like "how to get AIDS", "the joys of being HIV positive" and "Find local poz guys". I went through a lot of links and learned terms like 'bug-chaser', 'gift-give', 'breeding' and 'conversion'. I saw videos of skinny tattooed men fucking young, pretty studs with no condom. I read tons of stories about how much guys liked that they had been pozzed or about how they pozzed someone else. By the time I was 33, I was exploring this dark world nightly and getting painful boners. One of my favorite sites (now inactive) had photos, stories, essays and personal ads. The personal ads were split into two sections. The guys who wanted to be infected had ads under the caption "Please Give Me Your Gift, Sir" and the poz guys who wanted to infect negative men were under the caption "Accept My Gift, Buddy". Those four words were so fucking hot that just typing them now made me stiff. Unfortunately, there were no gift-givers in my general location. I checked night after night until a new one appeared that was from a giver right here in my town! The ad read: READY TO DIE? GWM, 38, 6'3, solid build, divorced. I've got the bug and want to give it to you. No-strings fucks only. Well of course I answered. I described myself and left my email address and phone number. And waited. On Saturday morning, my phone rang. "Hello?" "Yeah. You relied to my ad. Just called to say 'key'". "I'm so glad you did (was I really?). Great ad, by the way. I bet you had tons of replies." "Nope. Just you. That website is kind of obscure, but I also put it on some popular ones and you're still the only one who answered. One's all I needed, though. I need to give this gift to someone soon. " "Where are you?" "Well, since the divorce,I've been living in one of those motel rooms you rent by the week. It sucks, but I'm used to it now. I work as a bartender in a straight bar near the River district. I'll be there tonight but I won't be able to leave until 3 AM. Think you can come by and at least say 'hi'? The place is called "Beats". It might be busy or it might be dead. There's no telling." "I know where that is. I'll be there." "How will I know you? Wear something I'll recognize." "I'll be in jeans and a dark blue sweatshirt. My name is Will." "Cool. I'm Art. The other bartender is a chick -- so you'll know which one I am. Be there by 10, OK?" "See you then." click So there it was. I was further along into a quest that I never imagined I'd be on. It was still early, so I went back to bed. Sleep was impossible of course, but the possibilities and fantasies about what could happen put me into a waking trance of lust and a little fear. I took a long shower and shaved my face carefully. I'd managed to cut my chin several times with the razor. Nerves. I brushed my teeth way too vigorously because I remembered doing that caused bleeding of the gums and I wanted to expose tiny wounds in my mouth. I wanted all portals open to the gift. I got dressed and thought of putting on some cologne, but didn't. This wasn't a date I was going out to be fucked, not seduced. I was ready to die. By 9 PM, I couldn't take the waiting anymore. I left and made the short drive to where Art was waiting. "Beats" catered to young hetero people, but there were lots of more 'happening' clubs opening along the River District. I knew it wouldn't be crowded and it wasn't. I parked right up front and walked right in. Yep -- totally dead. The music wasn't even loud. I walked up to the bar and saw the lady bartender flirting with a punker-looking guy with tattoos and piercings. They were on the verge of a lip lock when I sat down. She seemed annoyed and asked me what I needed. "Um...is Art here?" "In the back. He'll be out in a minute." She resumed her conversation with the punker. Just then, a large guy walked in from the storage room. He looked so different than what I'd pictured. He was kind of cute in a goofy way. He was big and reminded me on a puppy whose paws were too big for its body. His expression was clear and open -- like he was waiting for a question. Nice. I liked him immediately. The girl waved her manicured hand in my direction. "You got a visitor here." He put down the crate of freshly-clean glasses and looked at me. "Will?" ""Hi, Art." "Hi!" He seemed to approve of my appearance. Possibly, a little surprised. He was every inch if 6'3" and wearing one of those long underwear shirts beneath a T-shirt. Manly, casual. He sure as hell wasn't dressed to impress, but I still was. Maybe he noticed the admiration in my eyes. "I'm taking my break now, Rima. Go see if anybody at the tables needs anything." She pouted a little and moved off to do a job she obviously hated. "Come sit down at the end of the bar. I'll get us a couple of shots." I moved down to where he was stacking glasses somewhere below where I could see. He dried his hands and came out to sit next to me. He seemed to bounce as he walked. He had a jumpiness I could relate to. He produced a few shot glasses filled with red liquid. "It's Hot Damn, 150 proof. Careful. Go slow." The punker left without leaving so much as a quarter tip. Poor Rima. She came back to the bar and got a rag to wipe up all the empty tables that people were leaving. It was getting desolate in here. "She's in a bad mood. The owner told us tonight that we're shutting down at the end of the month. I saw it coming. She didn't." "Just leave and find another shitty bar job. I've never been unemployed for more than a week," He got up, walked behind the bar and turned the music almost all the way down. He brought back two cold bottles of beers. "Let's go sit at a table." We sat at one in a dark corner. Nobody was left. "Let's drink up some free beer and then leave. I'm quitting now." SO we drank beer after beer and he talked out loud about what he had to do next. He'd call a few guys and probably start a new job by Monday. The light was low, but I could still see that open, inquisitive expression he had. I waited for a question. None came, so I asked one. "When did you get divorced?" "Oh God. It was over a year ago. She found out about how much fucking around I was doing. I'd given her a couple of disease, but not HIV. She was so pissed. I went to the clinic and found out I had the whole alphabet of STDS. " "Why did you cheat on her?" "Occupational hazard, I guess. Girls dig bartenders and I didn't resist any offers. Plus, my wife never loved me. We were trying to start a family, but she'd abort any baby I'd plant in her. I wanted a kid...and now I guess I'll never have one." "Why do you want to poz someone?" "Shit, Will. I was so drunk when I composed that ad. I was acting on pure impulse." "Oh." "Why the fuck do you want my poz seed?" I explained my strange journey here and he nodded, "You want a smoke? I need one.". He left, unlocked the cigarette vending machine and pulled out multiple packs of various brands. "Still want to let me do this to you?", he asked. I nodded as I opened the the second beer. "Well, I want to, Will." "Tonight?" "Why not? I'm ready to just walk out of here. My rented place is in The Dunham Inn right up the street. The building and hallways are a little scary, but my place is pretty nice and the locks are secure. I'll steal a bottle of something and we can go do it. Leave your car here and I'll bring you back in the morning. Ready?" I was. "I'm feeling weird now." "Why?" "I wasn't expecting anyone like you?" He paused. "I thought this was going to be a simple fuck...just me putting a load of death into some random dude's ass. I wanted no attachment -- just release and satisfaction. I thought it be no problem." "it's still no problem. I want to accept your gift. It would be an honor, Will." "OK. Good. Keep talking to me like that." Right then we arrived at his "motel". The building was as scary as promised. Blinking neon and assorted lowlifes hanging around outside. "Stick close to me. I'm big enough to scare most of them." His room was not so bad. A big bed and a TV that had been left on. He turned it off and starting stripping off his clothes. He flopped back on top of the bed in his jockey shorts. "Join me, Will." I got undressed and lied right next to him. "Keep talking like you were before." "I've told you everything. I want that lethal cock and that lethal load inside of me. Talk to me now." He pulled down his underwear and started stroking his big red dick. "This cock of mine is pure death. It will kill you and you have to promise me you really want it." I was out of talk. I got between his big thighs and started kissing his deadly organ. It got hard so fast. I grasped it at the base and studied it. It was pulsing with his heartbeat. It wasn't death. It was as alive as his heart or brain. Human and healthy. I kissed his balls which made him moan a little. I made slow work of worshipping his shaft. My sucking skills were untested, but I went for it. He arched his back and bucked back and forth into my mouth. He rolled over and pushed my legs apart with his hips. "We need to do this now." "I'm ready." "Are you" Are you really ready to die?" "DO IT!" He plunged into my hole. It was impossibly painful, but my hormones and adrenaline were cranked so high, that I didn't cry out or resist. He got it all the way in and let me get used to it. Then he pumped and found a pace he liked. He bucked faster and started mumbling. "I am giving you this shit in my body. It'll be your shit next. Our shit. Ohhhhh. I'm cumming!" And then this mission had complete. We both had what we wanted now. We fell asleep in each others' arms.

1999 was an annoying year. People were talking about the Y2K bug that was going to end civilization as we knew it. Conspiracy theories were all over the internet and people were actually building underground bunkers and stocking them with canned food. Gun sales were soaring. If the world ended on New Year's Eve, it wouldn't be because of some computer glitch -- it would end because of crazy people. And every commercial was by some business having "The Sale of the Century ". And I was so sick of that goddamn Prince song that I almost stopped being a fan of his. And it was only June. Speaking of annoyances -- my best friend Andy was really getting on my nerves. He was always around, and if he wasn't so entertaining, I would have dropped him like a bad habit. I was such a grumpy bastard back then. Andy lived next to the little house I rented when I first moved to the city. He decided we would be buddies right off the bat. We were both in our 20's and gay, but there wasn't a mutual attraction. I didn't know anybody and he became my guide. He was short, stocky, and very feminine And he never shut up. He had a wild life while I'd led a boring one so far. He took me to the first gay bar I'd ever been to. I complain about him, but I'd never go to places like that without him. He knew everybody and everything going on. I'd spot a guy I'd want to go talk to and he would tell why I should or shouldn't. He'd slept with most everyone and would give assessments of their dicks and fucking, sucking preferences & abilities. He would always tell me the same thing every time we went out: "Try not to look like such a virgin, Kyle". "You don't know I'm a virgin". "Of course I do. You glow with it. Everybody here knows too, Some dudes get turned on by that but most don't want to have to educate a guy on how to use his dick". He wanted me to act more like him, I suppose, but wasn't possible. I suck at flirting and seducing and everything else you needed to do in order to get laid. I just assumed it would happen when it happened. I didn't want the kind of relationships Andy had. I wanted the impossible fairy tale romance like the ones I'd seen in movies. I wanted hand-holding, hugs, candlelight, kisses and baths together. I had no idea what I'd want if man sex was offered to me. I'd watched gay porn videos with Andy and mentally noted a few things that looked exciting, but everything was vague as far as primal desire went. One night we went to a little hole of a tavern called "Taps". Andy was unimpressed, but I wanted to stay. It wasn't loud or crowded and the bartender was kind of cute. We'd been there a few minutes when Andy suddenly choked mid-swallow of his beer. After he was done having a coughing fit, he said "Don't look now. Don't look. He's here". "Who?" "Death Dick. He's infamous in this town. Go to the bathroom and you'll see him sitting alone at that little table next to the Ms Pac Man machine. When you come back, I'll tell you all about him". I headed off the men's room and prepared myself to see a giant dude looking sinister and predatory. Instead, I saw an average guv in his 30's with a conservative haircut and little round glasses. He wore a short-sleeved shirt buttoned up to the collar and looked completely harmless. My old friend was fucking with me again. When I got back I told Andy he was full of shit. "Don't make eye contact with him. Don't talk to him". "Why?" "He's known around here as having the most enormous cock ever seen...and not in a good way. It needs to be in a museum somewhere...not in anyone's bed. I've never seen it myself, but I've heard all about him". "He's just a regular guy, Andy. He's not dangerous". "Oh yeah? Talk to anybody he's had sex with. Supposedly, he was married once and his wife had so many female problems after having him inside her that she left him. I believe it. He then switched to men. One guy had to go the emergency room because Death Dick ruptured his rectal wall. My friend Lars got fucked by him and hasn't had a bowel movement in over a month. I heard he fucked some hustler and the poor guy has to wear a colostomy bag now. They say he drugs people first. There are a dozen more stories like that. You know what a size queen I am, and even I don't to get anywhere near him. Plus-- he has AIDS. I guess he got it from all the blood that's gushed on his cock". I just didn't believe him. He was bored and trying to liven up the evening. "Whatever, Andy". "He hasn't been seen in awhile. I heard he's a teacher at East, and probably the talk had spread enough that he decided to keep a low profile. Well, this is the place to go I guess. Nobody comes here. I'm upset now. Let's go back and watch 'Ab Fab'". As we left, I looked over at the guy and we made eye contact. I smiled and he smiled back. Once Andy and I were outside, he grabbed my arm. "Don't think I didn't notice that. I told you not to look into his eyes. Nothing good has ever happened to anyone who's ever done that. We're never coming back here!" Fine. We went back to his place and watched TV for about half an hour. "I can see the wheels in your head, Andy". "What? What are you talking about?" "You're thinking about him. All my stories have made you curious now". "No". I hated that he knew me so well. "Well, Kyle. I can't watch you all the time, but if I ever hear about you going back there or talking to that guy -- I'll strangle you with my bare hands .I love you to much to see you hurt or sick or killed". "You're a nut-job, Andy. I'm going home". I barely slept a wink that night. I knew it was best to just forget about it, but visions of giant penises kept flooding my head. I wouldn't go back there anytime soon, but I knew I'd go back. It was just something I needed to do eventually. Andy and I resumed our routine. He met some guy and they became pretty serious. He was always with his new man, and I pretty much spent a lot of time at home. He left a voicemail one afternoon while I was at work.: "I'm thinking of moving in with Alex. What do you think? He's got a big condo near downtown and it's really cool. You'd love it. Sorry we haven't been able to talk much lately. Call me at his place....the number is --- ----- . Maybe we can hook up for dinner or a movie sometime next week. I miss you! Kiss kiss." Well. I can't say it wasn't a relief to have him out of my hair for a bit, but I was starting to get lonely. It was time. I went back to Taps that night at the same time we'd gone a few weeks ago. Sure enough -- Death Dick was there at the same table. We exchanged glances and smiles again. I was flying solo. I went to the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender was bored and we chatted for a few minutes. I could stay here or I could go play Ms Pac Man and be just a foot away from the legendary man. I got another beer and a bunch of quarters and went to play. I'm not sure what was going on with my legs, but they were barely working. I probably looked arthritic. As I walked by his table, Death Dick and I exchanged smiles again and I loaded the game with quarters. There was an ashtray built into the console but no place to set my beer. I looked around for a ledge or something. "Mind if I set this on your table?" He glanced up. "Sure. No problem". His voice was as average and non-threatening as any I'd ever heard. "Thanks". I played a few games, but didn't do very well. I was way too aware of his presence and his eyes. I met his stare with mine as I reached for my beer. "You winning?" he asked. "No. I played this all the time as a kid, but I guess I've gotten rusty". I still had a dollar's worth of games left, but I sat down in an empty chair at Death Dick's table. Casual as could be. "Hi. I'm Kyle". "Nice to meet you, Kyle. I'm Shawn. I think I've seen you before". We shook hands and a jolt shot through me. "Maybe. I like how quiet and low-key it is here". "Me too. I really hate the music at most bars, and if I have to hear '1999' played again, I'll lose my mind!" Soulmate. We talked and talked. I forgot all about his reputation for a long time. I noticed that he was sort of handsome in an unconventional way. Hid hair was starting to thin a little in the front, but only if you looked carefully. He and I had a lot in common as it turned out. The hour got a little late, and Shawn had to leave, "I've still got homework to grade tonight. It gives me a headache which is why I always put it off so long. Want to meet up again?" So he was a teacher. "Sure. We can come here again if you want". "Great. How about tomorrow night around 8?" "See you then". We both stood up at the same time and hugged briefly. I never wanted to kiss somebody as bad as I did right that second. We met up at Taps several more times and got to know each other pretty well. One night he just up and asked me if he could come over and see my place. My face froze. "Sure. It's not far. Want to follow me?" "Yes. Let's go". We arrived and I was relieved that Andy wasn't home. His house had been dark for over a week. "Come on in. It's not much, but it's home". He sat on my couch and looked expectantly at me. "Can I offer you something? I've got a bottle of wine somewhere in the kitchen. It was a gift from somebody who knows his wine so I assume it's good". "That sounds great. Mind if I turn on the TV"? "Go ahead. I'll be right back". I heard him flip through the channels as I got a corkscrew and wineglasses that had never been used. The wine was red and that's all I knew about it. "Here you go. Anything on?" "Lots of baseball. Friday nights are not good for TV". We settled on some"Golden Girls" reruns and he put the volume low. We both kicked off our shoes and drank the wine which wasn't so bad. We said a few words here and there before Shawn reached for the remote and muted the TV. "Kyle? If I ask you something, will you promise to be completely honest?" "I promise". He took off his glasses, closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "How much do you know about me?" My face froze again. "Huh?" "I'm asking for an honest answer here". "I've heard some stuff, Shawn. Will you honestly a question I have?" "Go ahead". "How much of what I've heard is true?" "Probably most of it". I had no idea what to say. "What are you thinking, Kyle?" I still didn't have words. "I almost thought you didn't know because you never looked at my crotch. Most every guy in town tries to see the bulge down there. But when you instantly agreed to let me come over, I somehow knew. What are you thinking now?" "I think I'd like you to come back to my bedroom". He stood up. I stood up. We kissed deeply for a long time. We went to my room and lied back in bed. We were next to each other and I had no idea what to do next. "Well...do you want to see it? I'm not ashamed of my dick. I was born with it and it's a part of me". "Yes. I want to see". He got up and stripped down to just a pair of boxer shorts. The bulge was indeed enormous, almost ridiculous. "Here it is..." He stepped out of the underwear and I saw the death dick at last. It was almost the size of a hair dryer. That sounds silly now, but that's the first comparison my brain made. It was a fat, fleshy tube that went down to almost his knee. It wasn't hard, but was visibly getting thicker the longer I stared at it. He lifted it with one hand and showed me the head which was the size of an apple. He stroked it a little and got harder. "Now take off your clothes, Kyle. Don't worry. We won't do anything you don't want to. And, besides, there are things we can't do...but there are things we can". I got undressed in two seconds and got back on the bed. As we lied there, he kept stroking it. It was almost fully hard, but couldn't quite support its own weight. "You can get a closer look if you want", he said in a low voice, grinning. I got up and went to the end of the bed, climbed between his legs and had my eyes just an inch or two from this amazing penis. I made a mental note to thank God for my eyes more often because the sight was amazing. It almost looked like a special effect from a movie. It was twitching and arching. "Give it a kiss, Kyle". I kissed the sticky knob and let my tongue explore the deep slit. I tried to get the whole head in my mouth, but my jaw bones just weren't big enough. "That felt nice. I've been missing that for a long time". "Wish I was able to take more of it". "Nobody's ever gotten past the head. It's OK. I've never been able to cum from a blow job anyway. I takes more. You've never had sex before, have you?" "No. Sorry". "Don't be sorry! Sex brings trouble. We can just feel each other and be intimate and jerk off maybe". And then he was all over me. It felt like there was a third person between our groins. We both fully hard. We groped and hugged and kissed. I could feel myself almost ready to come. I reached down and grabbed as much of his dick as I could hold. He groaned and sighed until I put the head up against my asshole. "No. Stop. It will never work". "Can we at least try?" "Absolutely not. Let's just jack off a little". But he didn't move his dick away from what I offered. So I pulled him closer. Maybe he was having second thoughts. Maybe he would try. He did push against my hole. There was no give and I wanted him to use a little force. I had no idea what I was wishing for. He put some ass muscle into it and I felt my ass break. Worst pain of my life. I screamed even though I knew that would make him stop what he was doing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why did you allow that?? Now you're bleeding and I'm about to cum...shit..I'm cumming. Goddamnit! Ohhhh!!" He tried to aim it to the side, but was too late. That hot sperm blasted right into my wounded hole. He collapsed on top of me and breathed heavily. "Oh, Kyle. Why? Why in the fuck would you ....I mean...WHY?" "It's okay, Shawn". "No. It's not. Not for either of us. It is a million miles from OK". "I enjoyed it". He rolled off of me and continued to try and get his breath back. "Did you really enjoy it?" "Yes!" "We have to talk about a few things". "In the morning. Good night, Shawn". I turned off the lamp. The next day we just acted casually as if nothing had happened. He knew that I knew that he had infected me. We silently agreed not to discuss it. And the would be the end of the story if we hadn't decided to start dating. We went to movies and out to restaurants and taking long walks. We took showers together and I gave him foot massages. It most the romance I'd been wanting for so long.

Thanks, man! You rock!

(thanks to versmich for helping spark the idea for this story) 1987 The Summer after I graduated high school I worked as a dishwasher in a huge truck stop. It was a combination of restaurant, gas station, gift shop, showers, arcade and motel. It was located in a Kansas town that was bisected by a few major highways. I only got the job there because of my friend Lisa. She was my age and had been a waitress there since she was 16. I knew I was gay but never admitted it to anyone even though most of my friends had figured it out...maybe even before I did. Most of them were girls who liked to smoke, party and have sex. Sluts, basically. I liked how mouthy and tough they were, and of course I loved hearing about the guys they'd fucked. Lisa had a thing for truckers. She'd been through so many of them by the time I got hired. We both worked the 10 PM - 6 AM shift and often took our smoke breaks together. On our back through the dining area afterwards, she'd make remarks about which of the men she'd been with. "He's Jim. Huge dick but cums too fast". "That guy is married with a kid, but we fuck every now and then". "Ed is the one I'm most in love with right now. He eats pussy so good". I guess I was developing a thing for truckers too. I liked their beards, beer bellies, caps and cowboy boots. They never seemed too clean either. I didn't get to see much of them because I was stuck back behind the kitchen, scraping the disgusting plates into a garbage can and feeding them into this giant machine that burned my fingers often. i also had cuts and bruises from this work. I hated it. I wanted to be out there among the men. The restaurant didn't hire waiters, but there were busboy jobs that came up now and then. With Lisa's help, I landed one of the vacated spots. It was great. I got to be among all these fascinating men and also chat with Lisa more often. I did well and the time went by a lot faster than it did back in the steamy hell I was used to. After a few weeks, I got used to some of the regulars and would make friendly chatter with a few of them as I cleared their tables. Every now and then I'd see a particularly attractive trucker and ask Lisa about him. She either didn't know them or had negative comments about their dicks, personalities or abilities in bed. I remember the night I first saw Warren. He was like something right out of a porn fantasy. Big, beefy, dark hair and a somewhat evil smile. He had a big gut, but that didn't matter to me. I needed to know more...especially since he kept making eye contact with me. "Oh. Warren. He's a fag", she said casually. "At least what's what some of the other guys say. He has a twin brother that usually comes here with him, but I guess he's alone tonight. I think he lives in Wichita". I stared at him one last time and added a smile. It was almost 5:30 AM and we hit a lull. But Warren lingered, ordering coffee refills and pieces of pie. I wanted to think he was staying because of me. Lisa knew what was going on in my mind and pulled me aside. "Look -- I'm not judging you or nothing, but let's be honest for a second". "What about?" "I know you're gay, Mike. I've known for years". "How?" "Because you've never once looked at my tits and you just have something about you. I'm fine with it, but I know you want to flirt with Warren. Don't. He's got that deadly gay cancer..or so I've been told". "You mean AIDS?" "Yeah. I should have told you that before you touched any of his dirty plates". I knew enough about things to know you didn't catch the disease that way. I also knew you couldn't catch anything by flirting. "Thanks, Lisa, but I'm not going to do anything with him. He might not even like me". "Oh he likes you alright. I can tell these things". 6 AM. Lisa and I usually walked out together, but my relief hadn't shown up yet and the manager asked me to stay until he got here. "Please? You'll get overtime and only one guy is here". "No problem". "Go see if we wants more pie. He's ordered four pieces already. Jesus -- nobody's showing up on time this morning". It was true. The morning shift was only now starting to trickle in. I approached Warren's table, fixated on his sexy stare. Ya working a double-shift or something?" "No. The guy who is supposed to relieve me isn't here, so I'm staying until he gets here". "You mean him?" he asked pointing behind me. Travis had finally shown up. Of course he always had to go straight to the bathroom to get high before he clocked in. "Yeah. He'll be here in about ten minutes. You want more coffee or more pie?" "Jesus, no! I'm so wired on sugar and caffeine right now. I got a room upstairs, but I'm too hyper now to sleep. When the other guy finally comes back, meet me in the arcade and I'll kick your ass at pool or pinball". "Sure". He hefted his giant body up off the chair, payed his bill and gave me one last look before heading down the hall to where all the games were. Travis appeared at my side. "Sorry you had to stay. Larry already tore me a new one. Go home, buddy". I took off my apron and went directly to the arcade. There was Warren, lumbering over a pinball game and cussing. That game was pretty tricky, but I was an expert at it. Warren finished the game and turned to look at me. "Goddamn, boy! Look how skinny you are! Don't you get free food here?" "Yeah, but bussing tables kills your appetite". "Makes sense. Hey, I loaded a mess of quarters in already. Ready to play?" So we played and it was pretty obvious that I'd mastered the machine and was beating him pretty badly. Maybe he was just trying to distract me, but he kept asking questions during my turn. "How old are you? What's your name?" "I turned 18 in March. Name is 'Mike'". "You live here in town?" "Yep. My whole life". I was still kicking ass at the game, so he kept asking questions. "Got a girlfriend?" I shook my head. "Why not?" "Just don't". I was going to break my high score. He tried a different tact and stood closer to me. I could feel his crotch touch the side of my stomach and his hot breath on top of my head. That worked. I lost the ball down the middle and stepped aside to let him have his turn. "I'm Warren, by the way. I'm staying here in the motel tonight. Gotta take a load of steel fence up to Topeka tomorrow". He reached into his shirt pocket and handed me a pack of cigarettes. "Light a couple for us. I'm not letting you win this without a fight". I turned away and lit both smokes. I put one in my mouth and tried handing the other to Warren. "Not just yet. Hold it for me, OK?" He was getting the hang of it now. I looked around at the other games. "Centipede" was next to us and I hated it. Too fast and too nerve-wracking. "Hey, Mike. I'm on a roll here. Can you take a look down and see if I'm holding the flipper buttons right? I want to be as good as you are". I looked down. His fucking naked cut cock was hanging out of his fly. "Well? How's it look?" "Perfect, Warren. Very nice form". He stepped away from the machine and the game was over. I'd won. He stood inches from me with his exposed dick twitching. He moved closer and kissed me hard on the mouth. "Touch it, Mike". I did without even thinking. It was fat and getting harder. I wanted to keep doing it, but I knew there was a security camera in the corner. "You got a room here. We're on video right now and should probably leave". "You bet. Let's go". I followed him back past the shower room and the completely dead gift shop. We climbed some carpeted stairs and there was his room. He unlocked it and ushered me in. All the lights were on as was the TV. "Have a seat". I sat down on the edge of one of the beds. "Hey Brad! You on the toilet or something? Get out here!" Warren turned to me. "My brother and I travel together. He's cool". In walked a man who looked just like his brother. Same dark beard, same build and same beer belly. He was just wearing underwear. He was so large and so covered with hair (front and back). "What you got here, Warren?" "I brought us a virgin for the night. Keep him company. I gotta get let go of about a gallon of coffee". Wow. I was in this now. "You really a virgin?" "Yeah. I guess". "We'll help you with that. Got condoms with you?" "Uh. No." "Good. I mean, good for us, but not so much for you". He took off his underwear and sprawled back in the other bed. His dick was identical to his brother's...and getting super hard right before my eyes. "Take off your clothes, kid. Lay back and relax a little". I did as told. As I adjusted to the comfort of being off my feet after 9 hours, I thought about the mattress beneath me. How many truckers had fucked on this thing?? I started to sit up on my elbows, but Brad had climbed on top of me. "You like sucking dick?" "I-I don't know. Never done it before". "You're going to love it!". He straddled my chest and aimed his meat right at my face. He was so heavy. He moved farther up until the big purple head was on my lips. I licked it and kissed it. He slowly got closer and I had about a third of it in my mouth. I did indeed love it. But when he tried getting it down my throat, my gag reflex protested. "Shh. Shh. I'll go slower. Pretend you're yawning". As soon as I did that he shoved it straight into my windpipe. No air. "Good boy. In a few hours, you'll be an expert. Thanks for letting me pop your throat cherry. I'm going to pump now". He thrust his hips into my face and I reached my hands around and grabbed his hairy ass. "That's it. That's it". He kept pumping back and forth and then stopped. I felt a thick liquid go past my tonsils. Semen was going down my throat. It was warm and I liked it. He let a few more drops out onto my tongue and then rolled over. It wasn't real. None of this was actually happening. Was it? Two hours again I was carrying trays of dirty plates and cups in a restaurant. Warren was standing off to the side, watching everything. He was jerking himself into a frenzy. "I get the other end, Mike". He was panting like a dog. And then he was on top of me. Aroused and breathless, he got right to work. He tried getting his own giant dick into my ass, but it just wouldn't fit...even after he added a bunch of spit to my hole. "Brad. Get back to his mouth and see if you can get him aroused. It's like trying to bust through concrete down here". The bother was straddling my face again. He wasn't at a full hard-on yet, but close. "Maybe if he licks my ass a little...." "Go for it. I'm gettin' nowhere here". And then Brad position his giant furry ass right on my face. I was supposed to kiss it? lick it? I did both. He used his hands to spread his fat cheeks apart and planted that anus right on my lips. OK. I got it now. I stuck my tongue straight up and wiggled it around. I liked it. I really liked it. Brad was moaning and sighing. "It's working, dude. His dick is completely hard now. Time to do this. Get off him so I can look at him." And then Warren and I were looking in each others' eyes. He pushed and pushed and then he was inside of me. It was the same kind of sudden pain I got from that dish-washing machine. I'd survived that. I could survive this. He moved in slowly. It still hurt and I had tears in my eyes. "Its OK, baby. This will be over soon. Push out a little. Yeah. Like that. A few more inches and we're there. The worst of it is over. Now hold on. You're getting FUCKED!" And I was. Warren was like a machine. He was thrusting in and out so mechanically. And he was picking up speed. ""Oh shit! I'm cumming!" And he left his load in my aching ass. Brad said,"I get it next!" "Chill. Give him a chance to recover. He just gave me his virginity...and probably needs a few minutes to himself". I got up and went to the bathroom. It felt like I needed to shit so bad. I did a little. The toilet bowl was red with blood. I cleaned myself up as best I could. "You OK?". Warren asked as he lied back on the bed and put his arms behind his head. His armpit bush was so thick and dark. I just walked over to his side, knelt down and licked the pit. "I think he's just fine, Brad". Over the next few hours, they both fucked me again and Warren let me have a thick load down my throat. Twice. We all woke up around noon in a big pile on one bed. Warren got dressed and so did I. "I'm going to walk him out. Get dressed and get ready to go...we gotta be on the road pretty soon". We left the building. "You need to know something, Mike. You need to know..." "I already know". "Brad told you about the virus we have?" "I know. It's OK. It's not like I had to go to your room. I made a choice". He kissed me right there in broad daylight. I drove home in pure numbness. I never saw Lisa again. She eloped with some trucker she'd had her eye on. I only saw the brothers once more before I quit the job and headed off to college. I'd remember them forever. Forever.

1990 My senior year of college was great. I was only taking a few classes I needed to complete my degree. I was also finally living alone after too many years of annoying roommates. I stayed up late, woke up at noon and went to a couple of classes that were super easy. Sociology was my favorite because it was taught by a grad student who only gave tests randomly and usually from material right out of the textbook. I don't remember much about the subject of sociology except that religion was invented to keep people from misbehaving. Made sense. The other thing I remember is the huge, old building the class was held in. Armor Hall was seven stories tall and really needed to be updated, All the fixtures were old and probably hadn't been replaced since the 60's. The there were restrooms on every floor -- men's on one end and women's on the other. I got such a sexy feeling from them. I knew I was gay and I'd read enough graffiti in bathrooms to know that gay stuff happened in the stalls. These particular restrooms seemed perfect for nasty stuff. I used to go to Armor Hall at night just to go to all the restrooms and read any new graffiti that might have been left that day. There wasn't much, but I got so horny just by searching. One fateful night I even got up the nerve to go there with a pen in my back pocket. There were no evening classes and the emptiness of the place gave me the courage to go the 4th floor restroom and leave some graffiti of my own. Middle stall. Want a blow job? I will do it. Leave a time and meet me here (nights only) I didn't even consider the fact that I would be setting myself up to be caught by campus cops. I just did it. I went home and barely slept a wink that night because I kept conjuring so many dick-sucking fantasies in my head. I kept checking to see if anybody had responded. For night after night. Finally, someone did. I would like you to do this for me if you're young and good looking. Dec. 12th 9:30 pm Oh God! That was only a little over 48 hours from now! Still, t was just too much time to overthink it or talk myself out of going through with it. I had so many possible scenarios playing out in my brain. The next day, I got scared. AIDS was a real thing and I didn't want to get it. I had no idea if sucking an HIV cock would make me sick. And what if the guy wanted to fuck me? Could I handle that? I had doubts. So i drove to the mega drugstore nearby and bought condoms. As much as I craved the taste of dick, I wanted to be as safe as possible. I also bought a tube of KY Jelly in case my first fuck were to happen. Since I lived so close to campus, I figured we'd just take a short walk to my place if the guy wanted sex. Less than 36 hours to go. On the night of my "date" with a stranger, I got even more worried. What if someone walked in while I was sucking-off some guy. We'd have to come back to my place or I wouldn't do anything. I left the condoms and jelly on my nightstand. At 8:45. I walked to the building. It was bitterly cold that night. I wore my heaviest coat and slung my book bag over my shoulder...thinking I could always pretend I was there to study or read or something. I was shaking and my legs didn't seem to be working all that well. Oh God, oh God oh God. I almost turned back a few times but suddenly I was there. The possibility of nobody showing up also occurred to me. Maybe that would be for the best. I climbed the dark stairwell to the fourth floor, but couldn't make myself go any further. Maybe the thrill of the last few days was enough. If I left and went home now, the fantasies could continue and a fantasies couldn't give me a virus. I aborted the mission and headed back down the stairs. I was pretty sure I was doing the right thing. As I was leaving the building, I saw a large black guy in a red ski jacket came in. He was athletic-looking, handsome and had a neatly trimmed fro. We made eye contact for a second and I knew it was my "date". I made myself have no expression and just kept walking. I stopped at the sidewalk and rethought the situation. In all my dreamed-up scenarios, I had never thought of a black man. I wasn't racist or anything, it was just that most of the fantasy guys I imagined were white, hairy Paul Bunyan-types. I was thrown for a loop. I was sure he'd there by now. If I went home now, I may miss out on something great. And my dick was so hard. I decided to go back. As I entered the restroom, I saw his giant sneakers beneath the door of the middle stall. Yep. It was 9:31 and this was definitely the guy who wanted a blow job. What now? I hefted my book bag on a shelf beneath the mirror and washed my hands. I finished, but still had no idea how to proceed. I washed my hands again. About that time, the door to the stall cracked opened with a creak. An invitation. I had to do this. I HAD to. I opened the door a few inches. "Come on in". Sexy voice. I opened the door completely and saw my date beating off his enormous ebony cock through the fly of his jeans. "H-Hi. I'm Simon". "You look 15 years old, Simon. Cute, though. Bend down here and get a closer look". "I live really close to here -- why don't we go there?" "In time. In time. For now, though, I want you to get down on your knees and talk to this dick". I wasn't exactly sure what he meant by that, but I knew he wanted my mouth ... here and now. So I knelt and got my face just a fraction of an inch from the shiny brown helmet with its wet piss slit. I swear I could feel heat coming from it. "Just smell it for a second and tell it what you need". I inhaled. It was a mixture of soap and musk that made me almost shoot in my underwear. He told me again to talk to it, but what was I supposed to say. I opened my mouth to say something, anything. He then pushed my head down and put that glorious cock in my mouth. Heaven. The taste was better than I could have ever imagined. He kept pushing my head down farther until it hit my throat. "Oh that's nice! Keep going as far as you can!" I tried my best, but he didn't seem satisfied with how little of it I could take. He stood up, unbuckled his belt and let his jeans drop to the floor. He kept jabbing it in and out over my lips, faster and faster". "I'm cumming, man". I should have pulled away, but his giant hands were wrapped around the back of my head. I had to take it. He shot what felt like a whole pint of heavy cream down my throat. I shot my own load in my underwear just a few seconds later. It was over. "Give a minute here, Simon. Then we'll go to your place. Got roommates?" "No. It's just me". "Lucky!" I wanted him to come home with me so this could happen again. I would like to do this every day of my life! We went out into the cold, cold night and made just a little bit of conversation. "I'm Jay, by the way. You never done this before have you?" "No, Have you?" "Little dude, I have done it ALL. With men and women. Ever go down to River Park? I've been going there since I was a freshmen. This dick is always hard and I like everything". "Cool". Back at my place, Jay took off his coat and went straight to my bedroom. Once there, he stripped completely and lied down on my little twin bed. He turned on the bedside lamp...which just so happened to be on the nightstand where I'd left the box of condoms and the KY. "Oh. It's good to see you were prepared for anything. I would have fucked your little ass right there in the bathroom, but this will be better". I could taste his cum in my mouth, but was already rock hard again. And so was he. Goddamn! That dick was enormous! I took off my clothes as well and stood at the end of the bed, just admiring his perfect nude body. "Oh shit, Simon. I forget to take my socks off. Can you help me out?" Absolutely! I pulled the white socks off of his long, wide feet and tossed them on the floor. Who knows why, but I immediately started sucking on his toes. "Oh Shit! Yes! Keep that up!" I was sucking his toes and his soles and thought I might cum again. "OK. Now just massage my feet and I'll try to get one of these rubbers on. He tore open the box and heard him unwrap one of them. "It's a tight fit, but I got it on. But this KY shit is useless. I got some Vaseline in my coat pocket. Go get it". I retrieved it and handed it to him. He started lubing up his latex-covered erection and instructed me to sit on his hardness. I awkwardly lowered myself down on his dick. He managed to get the wide head in, but I had to get up. Pain! I wanted to back to just giving him a blow job, "Let's try something else. Lie on your back and we'll do this like a honeymoon couple". I did. He stood over me and started putting on more Vaseline. He stroked vigorously. "Uh oh. Look, Simon". The condom had shred and his fat dick head was poking nakedly out of the end. "Told you these were too small". I figured that the night was over, but Jay lied on top of me and worked my legs apart. "Wait. No! Don't.." "Sshhh. It will be fine". He thrust forward and I felt my body split in half. I couldn't even catch my breath to scream. He kept going and going. The penetration was deep and touched my inner organs. He couldn't stop and wouldn't listen to the protests I managed to squeak out. He needed to cum and kept going until he finally shot the second load. He kissed me long and hard and then rolled off of my wrecked body. Everything hurt. My little bed was crowded with his big, sleeping body. After Winter break, he was a regular visitor. We did everything you can imagine. We learned I was very good at eating his ass so that became a frequent activity. We never bothered with condoms anymore. He was pure lust at all times, but he was wearing me out. I was exhausted by all the sex and eventually came down with the flu just a few weeks before midterms. Where is he now? Somewhere inside of me.

Thanks, man.