rawloadstaken
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Last night was a nightmare . Suffice it to say that half of what happened made me ill -- not to mention very uncomfortable -- and the other half infuriated me. He rode roughshod over my hard limits, and there were a few times I was terrified, but he was between me and the door, and I just froze. I just agreed with whatever he wanted -- I said what I'm sure he wanted to hear -- and I hate myself for it.
Yes, I did it to protect myself, but that doesn't get rid of the feeling of shame, or disgust, or the stinging from scrubbing myself raw in the shower.
I think I'm going to take some time off from bottoming: I can't get some of the images out of my head, or the bile out of my mouth.
It's going to take some time for the bruising to fade, it's going to take even longer to trust 1:1 encounters again; and, to be honest, right now I'm not even sure I want to go to the bathhouses or theatres.
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"Hey, come over, I'd like to fuck you" turned into "I'm going to ride roughsod over your limits. You say no, but you want to be choked. You say no, but you want to have your nipples almost yanked off your body. You say no, but I know you want toilet play. You say no, but ... you say no, but ..."
And every time I got up to go, I got slammed back down, yanked around, and his hands went around my throat.
I grabbed my clothes and left while he was addressing other needs in another room, blocked him on the site I met him on, blocked him on my phone, and tried to forget the whole thing, but it just kept running through my mind the whole night. -
shit, that would have been scary...lucky you get away. is this the same 38 yo you made a status about on Thursday?
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Yup.