didn't disclose, what should i do?

[cumsucker33]

So last night I went on a date...like a real date, for the first time in a long time. I didn't expect to have sex, it was just an innocent first date. The guy was really nice and really into me. We got a lot (A LOT) of drinks, and ended up back at his place. We were just kind of cuddling at first, and then he got on top of me and stuck his cock in me. Raw. He told me he really wanted to cum inside me. He initiated the whole thing and never asked my status (which is poz), and I was too drunk to fully realize the implications of not disclosing. He's already planning more dates and wants to take me to an amusement park and go skydiving and all this crazy stuff...how do I tell him at this point??

Maybe that's a stupid question, but I always disclose before sex, I've never been in this situation before, and it just seems like it's going to be a really difficult and awkward conversation...

Thanks for your help guys, I love how supportive this community is.

[ronetbus]

Tell him what you said here- you were too drunk and let things get out of hand. Judge by his response to that how much more you have to say right now.

[Seedmeraw]

Listen, tell him as soon as possible. Be honest and speak with you heart. Because there is something called PostExposure Prophylaxis. He can go to the hospital and say he has been exposed to hiv and they should treat him. But he should go to the hopital 24-72 hours after exposure. are u on meds? Cause that reduce infecting probability. Please do so, asap! Hugs!

[bjbottom]

Because you posted your question here, it is obviously bothering you. Provided you are being honest about him initiating the sex, penetrating you raw, and wanting to cum in you, I don't think it will be a big deal. However, since there is the possibility you may enter into a dating relationship with him, I suggest talking to him right away about it. I would approach it very casually, but saying something like, "Hey, I was really drunk the other night and do not remember if I told you I am positive." My guess is, he is either positive himself, does not consider his behaviors high risk, is not considered about catching the bug, or was too drunk to be concerned about it as well. In any event, it seems in order for you to have some peace of mind about the event, you need to be honest with him, otherwise you will find some reason to blow off the possibility of dating him. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

[skinster]

I'd suggest by all means to tell him ASAP. Better in person, as delivering such news over the phone just adds to the misery and gives you less chances to turn it in your favor should emotions take over. And try to read his reaction while you build up to it, as casual as you were - may be he is into it, may be he is completely unaware of possibilities. Just don't unload it in the first sentence, you don't need that shock value. It is obviously a serious matter that you need to have his full attention about, only then you can evaluate how concerned should you be. May be it is all long since set, and you're the one unaware, or may be not. Since it obviously concerns you a lot, you should find out. It's the right thing to do in my opinion.

[rawTOP]

For starters, chill... As a poz bottom you don't put tops at much of any risk. If you're not on meds there's a negligible risk (about the same risk for the top as it would be for a neg bottom getting fucked by a poz top who uses a condom). If you're on meds the risk is almost literally zero.

One way to approach it is casually just ask "How long have you been poz? I've been poz for X years..." If he's surprised you think he's poz say "Well, you fucked me raw without asking status - 9 times out of 10 that means your poz too..." And if he's surprised your poz, just say "Well, as you know really well, I let guys fuck me raw and cum in my ass - can't do that very long without becoming poz.".

So disclose, but be casual about it. Make it seem like it's the most natural and normal thing possible for someone like you. If he wants to get serious about a guy who will take his raw dick and load on the first date, then chances are that guy is going to be poz. And if you're on meds, you're one of the lowest risk guys he can fuck. Think if you were neg... Down the road you'd get bored and take loads from other guys and put him at much higher risk when you convert. But if he freaks out - there's just nothing you can do. He's gotta get over his own demons and fears about it.

[Hotload84]

I appreciate your sense of ethics, Cumsucker33, but both top and bottom have a responsibility in these matters. The top's failure to offer to wrap-up is more of a failing than your willing participation in raw sex, so I ratify RawTOP's advice.

[PhoenixGeoff]

Yup yup...agreed. He failed the disclosure test as much as you did. And guaranteed that you're not the first guy he's done this to. Tell him casually, just like rawTOP said. If he freaks, then dump his ass...anyone engaging in barebacking without even having the HIV conversation in advance, who initiates raw sex with you, not the other way around, forfeits the right to react badly when you disclose, IMO.

But most likely, everything will be fine. He'll either be poz himself or one of those cool bareback top guys like our host or Brad McGuire, who accept the risks.

And the lesson I'd take from this is that the earlier you disclose your status, even before you meet for that first date, the easier it is. Remember what Dan Savage says: being HIV+ is like having a super power that detects douches. If a guy reacts badly to your HIV, then you know he's a douche and not worth dating.

[Guest Matias47]

I'm with RT and MMM. Relax into it and tell him. If he reacts badly, he's kind of a tool.

Let us know how it goes.

[bbzh]

Since you said "I always disclose before sex", then there is no reason not to disclose after sex. But prepare yourself mentally for rejection. There are still a lot of tops that assume their bottoms are negative. I once wrote about a guy I met at a bb party who nearly stroked out when I brought up the subject of HIV.

To reduce your anxiety going forward always try to disclose. I know some disagree with me strongly on this but I am very selective about disclosure. The problem with revealing your status is that you don't know if/how your partner could use this information against you. If you want to put your dick in me raw, then you assume the risk, in the same way I do since you might have some shit i don't want. I feel this way primarily because I am undetectable. But even if I was not, I would just stick to anonymous situations where disclosure is not an issue.

I am in a serious relationship with a guy who knows my status and doesn't even mind that I take loads. He's not thrilled about it but he has an inner pig as well.

Another idea for you is to try to date other poz guys. Problem immediately solved. :-)

[Poz1956]

Assuming you're on treatment and have an undetectable viral load, I think you should print out the interim results from the Partner study. Take it with you. It proves you put him at virtually zero risk. Maybe highlight the 16,400 BB fucks, the "two closer to zero" statements from the researchers, and the expected 86 transmission if the Pozzies hadn't been on treatment.

If he's cut print out the "Putting a number on it: The risk from an exposure to HIV" sheet from CATiE, and highlight the 1 in 909. (Don't do it if he's uncut, because the 1 in 161 would probably frighten him.) Tell him that would would have been the risk if you had a high viral load, but (hopefully) you're undetectable.

Don't forget to remind him that he had EQUAL responsibility to raise the topic of serostatus, last test date, and how frequently he gets tested.

Best of luck. Let us know what happens.

[bearbandit]

And next time you go out on a date (of which I hope you have many - in the lots of fun meaning rather than no-one wants you) try wearing a red ribbon badge - in the UK we had badges less than an inch high, metal ribbons rather than badges. I keep my long term survivor badges (gold = 5 years, platinum = 10 years, gunmetal = 15 years - they ran out of ideas for 20 years and didn't like my rhinestones suggestion!) on my BEAR braces. When I finally go, there's going to be one hell of a fight for my braces and my cutoffs! But that's a long way off yet (he says cautiously watching for buses!)

[TigerMilner]

Your date sounds incredibly hot dude! I think I like this guy. lol. I love when a guy specifically says "I want to cum inside you". That is so hot.

I agree totally with RT. Now you just need to get over that hump. Tell him ASAP. If he is not interested or is upset, dump him. You probably have nothing to worry about in terms of infecting him. He should know that. If not, maybe you get a chance to educate him. Good luck.

[iamwhatiam84]

this threads a couple years old. so what ever happened?

[Guest NxNW]

Your date sounds incredibly hot dude! I think I like this guy. lol. I love when a guy specifically says "I want to cum inside you". That is so hot.

This is hot. And even hotter is your willingness to be bred raw on a first date. Way to go, stud! If this guy has any sense, he shouldn't be surprised that you're poz. Hopefuly he's turned on by it.