I am torn and could use some advice

[wolfguy]

Like the title says I am torn and could really use some advice. I am a total bottom who loves barebacking. I love the feel of a guy's cock in my ass and I love the feeling of him shooting his load in me. I love all the stories on this site, they make me horny and want to do it more and more. I understand the risks that I take whenever I do it but I just love the way it feels. I basically want to be a cumdump for as many guys as I can. I can't say I am a chaser because I'm not actively seeking to be pozzed or get any other STDs but I don't really bother to ask guys their status. The problem is I'm not 100% sure that if i do get hiv that i can afford the meds among some of the other possible problems. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to give up barebacking or my dream of being a cumdump for guys but i do have those nagging thoughts. thanks for any advice or ideas.

[pipesmokin'manfucker]

Seems to me there's a significant place in life for self-control. Not everybody seems to appreciate that. I'd suggest you remain reluctant to do anything that could have permanent negative & self-destructive consequences. Remember, nobody ever died or became ill from failure to fuck or engage in any other sexual activities. They're optional in a manner breathing and eating are not.

There's a Latin proverb: "festina lente". It means - "make haste slowly".

[TigerMilner]

You sound like me. I was never a chaser, in fact I thought I tried as much as a guy can try not to get pozzed and still have bareback sex. I did the boyfriend thing, the married man thing, and even the condom thing for a short time. I managed to go 20 years and remained negative til last year. It has been quite an experience learning about life as a positive man. It was rough at first and I had the same concerns about being able to afford it. I do have insurance, but the costs are staggering and I was very worried. My doctor hooked me up with the AHF Pharmacy, which is a not for profit organization. They work with my insurance to get paid what they can, but they also cover the rest of the costs for me. My $4,000 a month bill has cost me nothing out of pocket. Now that I am only taking one pill a day, the cost is down to $1,800 a month. Ironically, they are the same organization causing so much trouble for the bareback porn industry in LA. The financial impact should not be your main concern. The costs to me came from not working for most of the first nine months due to being too sick and too depressed. There are plenty of charities out there that help guys in our situation. A bigger concern should be how will you handle having a disease that comes with a stigma. That has been the worst part of it for me. Except on this site where some guys actually think it is hot to be or fuck a positive guy, most of the gay community are the worst at spreading the prejudice. Gay guys can be real bitches. And negative guys, even those who bareback but don't admit it, are the worst. I believe that is why so many guys lie about their status. I think the status of HIV negative should be changed to "Not yet Pozzed".

Go have fun. Get what you can, but make it worth it. I've said this before on this site, as sick as I was for nine months, I have to admit, that sleeping with the man who pozzed me was worth it.

One thing important to know, a man is most infectious when newly infected. Like my situation, he may not know yet that he is positive. He did not lie to me. I may well be the first guy he pozzed. We are still friends and have fucked since. I'm lucky I know where it came from given my sexual habits, but it happened at a time when I was not so active for a couple of months. There were other possibilities, but he's the one who got the fuck flu right before I did. Kind makes it pretty obvious to me.

Edited April 22, 2013 by TigerMilner

[straycowboy]

Both pipesmokin manfucker, and tiger milner have given you good advice, perhaps a bit opposite in a way, but good nonetheless. Having worked for a major charity that deals with a chronic illness, I can tell you there are plenty of sources that can with the medical costs if it happens to you. But if you are that concerned about catching it, then listen to those concerns.

It is possible you could even be immune, or resistant, so get checked for that. If you are, then you only have to worry about the other things you could catch. In the end you have to decide . Do you live your life in fearof what could happen, or enjoy life and find an acceptable risk level to participate at.

[wolfguy]

Thanks for the replies and adivce and thanks for any more i get. The biggest problems i have with cost of the medd are yhe fact i don't have any insurance tight now and i'm only making minimum wage. I just don't want to limit my enjoyment but i also don't want yo get into a situation i can't handle. All advice and possible solutions yo look into are appreciated. I will be careful but don't wsnt yo eliminate barebacking completely. I enjoy it too much and don't want to have to stop.

[Bttm2go]

It also depends where you live. Some states have much better programs than others. Look into what programs your state, county, city offers.

[wolfguy]

will definitely look into that.

[wolfguy]

any ideas where i can find out the possible cost of meds or if there are programs in wv to help if you don't have any insurance? i desperatly want to be a cum dump for a single or as many guys as i can. i am a total bottom and figure at some point i'll become poz since i only like barebacking. i don't care if the guy or guys are poz or neg i don't ask. the big problems i have are knowing if i can afford the meds and lol even if i could meeting the guy or guys. i want it just don't know how to get it or how to afford it. Still the more i read posts and stories from this site the more i want it and the more i wish i could live out my desires.

[Gilbertbttm]

Honestly, meds are just a waste on bttms. take the see and be a man about it

[wolfguy]

lol maybe but i don't want to risk lessening my life anymore than necessary when i get the gift. i want to enjoy it for as long as i can and not having meds could lessen that. I just have no clue where to look online to find the information i need. Though i have to admit the thought of not worrying about meds as much as i don't really care about being pozzed is exciting. Wish i could meet guys more easily and be able to live out my dream as much as possible. This neg bottom wants to be a cump dump for as many guys as i can and if and when i get pozzed all the better .

[bbbtm20]

I'm in a similar dilemma as OP, but looking at a different set of concerns. I am fortunate enough to be at the start of a career that will likely provide me with good insurance and a salary to afford HIV-meds (I did a lot of studying and not much fucking). My wariness stems from the social aspect(s) of becoming poz. I'm a naturally introverted guy, and my shyness plus my tall-and-thick build means I haven't had nearly as many dates, hookups, and relationships as most guys in their mid-twenties. I know having HIV will only magnify this.

I guess what I'm asking is: In your guys' experience, is social/sexual/romantic isolation based on HIV-status a real thing? And if so, how do you cope with it? I want to be proud of my HIV, and of my sluttiness, but I also want to live the complete life of an adult man. I'm used to being rejected by shallow guys, but will having HIV actually increase that? Or does it give you guys a renewed sense of pride and purpose in life?

[einathens]

call your county health department and ask them.

[wolfguy]

I am also introverted and shy plus haven't had many dates, hookups and absolutely no relationships because I am on the chubby side and most guys i have met be they neg or possibly poz are too interested in apperances. So the social aspect i don't think would hit me all that hard but who knows. but then even if i was not chubby due to other reasons i would have problems finding a guy, for example my job is minimum wage at best, i don't drive because i was hit in college among other things. still i know what i like and what i want to do if ever given the chance but don't want to not be able to get meds if necessary. concerns or not though given the chance i won't turn down a load because i want to be/am a cum dump on the submissive side.

[wood]

Dont take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you are having a lot of random unprotected sex because you like the attention, not because you want to be pozzed. IMO you need a social network of real friends and things to do beyond getting fucked. If I were you, I would lay off on the raw sex for a bit, and do a bit of soul searching to see what you really want out of life besides sex.

You said your a young guy, but you are getting caught up on the treatment your state offers without even thinking if you move out of state or abroad in your lifetime. Think beyond just sex IMO.

[wolfguy]

Despite what it may seem I have said at the beginning of this post I am not really chasing and given a choice i really am not sure i want to be pozzed, the thing is i was wanting advice for if/when it happens. I love barebacking and enjoy being a cum dump, and despite what it may seem i don't do it just for attention. as for making friends and deciding what i want out of life i have done a lot of that the problem is due to cercomstances i can't really do much. socializing was never easy for me and since i basically have to depend on my family trying to have my own life is difficult at best. and as much as i would like to i am not able to meet guys as often as i would like to. what i want is advice if and when i get pozzed because i like being prepared.