Stopped barebacking after last neg test. Miss it. Not sure what to do

[needit]

I can't stop thinking about this. I'm top and have barebacked on and off all my sexually active life (18 to 37) although not exclusively. Most of my bare encounters were anonymous hook ups in saunas or in group situations. For many years (18 to 29) I was convinced I was positive but was somehow managed to not worry about it or at least it would only cross my mind occasionally. Then I went for my first HIV test and it came back neg. I swore blind I wouldn't fuck raw again, and I stuck to it for a few years. Then over time I'd play wiht the boundaries of "safe", rub my cock outside a hole until I came, but nothing risky really. But of course gradually the boundaries disappeared and I started sticking my cock into willing bare bottoms. Then came my first confirmed HIV scare (fucked a poz guy, blood on cock). I freaked out, got tested again after 6 months, neg again. Same story, vowed to play safe. Then I moved to Berlin. Condoms are so rare here, I just slipped back into barebacking, fucked every and any hole raw for over a year and a half. Sex clubs, parties, poz bottoms. In the heat of the moment I didn't care, but the next morning I'd regret it. Then this summer I got tested again and it was still neg. You know the story by now, "never again" blah, blah.

So here's what I can't stop thinking about: I'm a barebacker. It's been part of my sexual experience since I first got my dick wet. It's what gives me the most satisfaction. It's the porn I watch. The thought of a life fucking wrapped depresses me. But I'm clearly not able to handle the (self imposed) guilt trip that accompanies barebacking. I used to be able to, but now I just can't seem to deal with it. When I read about PreP I thought, this is my fucking answer, but it's not approved in Germany yet. I don't know if it will be. What is your advice to someone who (based on past behaviour) will probably end up slipping up and fucking raw again, but who can't deal with the mental side of it. Genuine question. I'd love to be able to have an honest discussion with a sexual health doctor about this, but I don't want the whole "the only way to protect yourself is to use a condom" spiel. Any advice, similar guys out there?

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

I think some digging on PrEP probably worth the effort. Would a neighboring country offer it? And if so, could you avail yourself? At least here in the US, PrEP requires a fresh HIV test, sensitive one if potential exposure (that measures exposure in the 11 to 45 day window). Also STI panel to rule out any of those. Once that is done and prescription is in hand, you'll need to retest every 3 months as STI's can lessen effectiveness of PrEP. You'll also need blood tests to monitor kidney function.

While PrEP as an approved regimen might not be approved in Germany; check with your doctor anyway. Some might be willing to; even though it isn't official protocol.

Are there local STD clinics? They might also have some ideas. This is hardly globally groundbreaking so local exploration might yield good surprises.

Keep us posted?

[TigerMilner]

As a top your risk is lower. Find a hot undetectable bottom who is on meds and takes it seriously. Fuck him every day. Breed him often. Don't regret. We need men like you.

[NiceHard1]

Agree. You can bareback and have a harm reduction strategy.

Each additional layer that you add can further reduce your risk:

-Being only a top reduces risk

-Bottom taking HIV meds (either becuase he is poz, or on PrEP) reduces risk for the top

-Neg top taking PrEP (where available) reduces risk

-Poz bottom who is undetectable reduces risk

-Both of you get tested for all STIs regularly reduces risk of STIs and HIV

-Being circumcised may reduce your risk as the top

-Following your instinct if something does not feel right reduces your risk

[PhoenixGeoff]

I'll add to NiceHard1's sensible list that you can find yourself:

- An HIV- monogamous partner (not no risk...men do stray...but lower risk)

- A circle of HIV- FWBs who don't fuck around outside your circle of friends (somewhat higher risk, but helps if you get off on promiscuity, groups and/or exhibitionism)

If you're a voyeur, you might also get off on watching other guys getting into some raw sex while you just watch (or have the bottom suck your cock or whatever)

[bearbandit]

I agree with what the others have said, but I have one reservation: a negative test result only means that he didn't have detectable HIV at the time of testing. The instant he's out of your sight from the clinic - who knows? That's why I think in terms of guys being poz or status unknown. I remember in the seventies cruising the waiting room of the clap clinic: nothing found, let's fuck. Try and tell me I'm the only one here who's done that!

If you're exclusively top then, yes, that reduces your risk considerably. I have a horror (despite my Pozdaddy stories) of passing on my little passenger. Right now my viral load is undetectable and I'd feel okay about getting fucked raw by a guy who's status is unknown, even though I tend to serosort and only fuck with other poz guys. In the UK it's reckoned that about 25% of people with HIV don't know they have it, so you're probably, almost certainly, safer with a bottom who knows he has HIV and is on meds with an undetectable viral load.

[rawfuckr]

I agree with what the others have said, but I have one reservation: a negative test result only means that he didn't have detectable HIV at the time of testing. The instant he's out of your sight from the clinic - who knows?

I've always thought there is some value on someone who tested negative recently. It's totally true that there is a window period and there is lag in the result, but still much better to know guy was negative from 1-2 months backwards than nothing.

[bearbandit]

My point was that his next port of call could be a sauna where he gets loaded up - without total trust or constant surveillance all a negative result reliably says is that HIV antibodies were not found at <time> <date>. However, yes, the fact of testing shows that he does care about his health...

[wood]

I think some digging on PrEP probably worth the effort. Would a neighboring country offer it? And if so, could you avail yourself? At least here in the US, PrEP requires a fresh HIV test, sensitive one if potential exposure (that measures exposure in the 11 to 45 day window). Also STI panel to rule out any of those. Once that is done and prescription is in hand, you'll need to retest every 3 months as STI's can lessen effectiveness of PrEP. You'll also need blood tests to monitor kidney function.

While PrEP as an approved regimen might not be approved in Germany; check with your doctor anyway. Some might be willing to; even though it isn't official protocol.

Are there local STD clinics? They might also have some ideas. This is hardly globally groundbreaking so local exploration might yield good surprises.

Keep us posted?

yup. you also said you moved to berlin, and judging by your english are you an expat? Another round about way of getting truvada for PrEP is getting the genaric version from india. I dont know if they ship to germany, but if you know someone in the US who could forward it to you, that would be an option. #400 for six months isnt bad at all.

http://www.northdrugstore.com/buy-Truvada.html