I think I'm going to test poz... Scared, confused and don't know what to do.

[bustanutinyourgut]

Like I said, I have had a lot of time to think about things. The mental anguish that I can never get married and have a family (yes, I am bi and that was something I was hoping to be able to do) kills me. I still hate that I have to keep this a secret from everyone, but I don't have many gay friends and I don't know how they will take it. I can't even tell my roommate. He's my best friend in the world and has been for the last 10 years. He's got a lot of anxiety and OCD issues that tie into hypochondria and germophobia. If I told him, he would likely move out or distance himself from me in fear that he'll catch it if we so much as drink from the same glass.

There are specialized services that can wash/clean your sperm with essentially no risk of spreading the virus to the mother. They are expensive but definitely allow you to safely have children.

[wood]

Hey there guys. Well, it's been a full week since I got the news. This has been the longest week of my life, but I have had a lot of time to think. To be honest, I have been holding up much better than I thought I would. When I used to think about what I might do if I ever saw the day that I got the news that I was poz, I used to think that I would have a complete breakdown and go suicidal, literally. Thankfully, that is not the case.

So, I have an appointment at a doctor's office that specializes in HIV treatment. Thank you for the recommend, fillmyholeftl. I hope they are as good as you say they are. That appointment is this Wednesday and hopefully, with all the lab results that I have hard copies of, they will get me on meds ASAP. And I am hoping they are resourceful enough to find a way to be able to get me on meds that don't break me in half financially.

Like I said, I have had a lot of time to think about things. The mental anguish that I can never get married and have a family (yes, I am bi and that was something I was hoping to be able to do) kills me. I still hate that I have to keep this a secret from everyone, but I don't have many gay friends and I don't know how they will take it. I can't even tell my roommate. He's my best friend in the world and has been for the last 10 years. He's got a lot of anxiety and OCD issues that tie into hypochondria and germophobia. If I told him, he would likely move out or distance himself from me in fear that he'll catch it if we so much as drink from the same glass.

Physically, I have been feeling a little off. My entire body feels like all my muscles are fatigued, weak and tense. Not sure if this is the anxiety of the news causing it or an effect of the HIV infection. Has anyone felt this after converting? I feel so weak and tired. Also, I have been having night sweats, though they are becoming less frequent and less intense. Anyone ever get those?

All in all, I have been seeing two faces of HIV with all the reading up I have been doing this week. There is the classic approach that says it is a deadly virus that causes AIDS, people are still dying from it, it isn't curable, if you don't already have it don't get it, etc etc. Then there is the new school face I see, the optimistic, hopeful face that says it is no longer a death sentence, the meds are manageable and people are living long, healthy, normal lifespans with them. I am trying to see the sunnier side of it and be optimistic.

Another question I have for all you guys who have once been in my shoes... After finding out you were poz and you were able to get on a med routine and start feeling physically healthy with low or undetectable VL, etc, how long did it take for your mental health to come back? Did you feel like your old self before you converted? That's what I want to get back to, but I want to have an idea how long it takes people to get there. And I know everyone is different, but I just want to have an idea.

you got to relax dude. I know its early, but stuff like a family is a none issue. There are PLENTY of ways to safety get a girl preggo with your nut. PrEP is just one way. Also you are probably feeling physically down because of the mental stress. Never under estimate what mental stress can put on your body.

And really just sit back, have a cocktail, and smile. As silly as it sounds, this is a bump in the road. People go through a lot worse all the time. You are still healthy, and will be as long as you take the right steps. HIV will NOT keep you from your goals, as long as you dont let it.

[piercedcock555]

Please for all of us. Take a step out of this for a day or 2. I know that u cant relax and are stressed. One thing I learned in the Military is when everything gets out of control is to keep your self safe by thinking through your crisis.

Make decisions for the next 6 months to maybe 2 years. Dont let worry over the next 10 to 30 years make you so stressed out, your mind and body will suffer. So do something fun for the next 2 or 3 days. U will be better off mentally and in better spirits. I hope this helps

[TigerMilner]

Good to hear you got a good referral and an appointment so quickly. As for your other questions, I felt that fatigue, weakness and such and it lasted nine months. I was on meds five months after initial infection and was undetectable within 30 days thanks to my doctor's "hit it early and hit it hard" approach. I was put on Complera and Issentriss. The Issentriss is an older drug that is known for knocking the viral load down quickly. I stayed on it even after I was undetectable out of fear, which was probably part of why I felt so sick for so long. I saw my ID specialist every 30 days for nearly a year. But that was because I was so sick and my Anemia kept getting worse and worse. To the point he sent me to see a Hematologist thinking I might have Leukemia or Bone Cancer. Fortunately I didn't. I dropped the Issentris and started feeling normal again within 30 days. Next month will be two years since I was infected. Even though I got sicker than most guys do and stayed sick longer, once I started feeling better I have felt fine since. Now I am on a regular every three months bloodwork and doctor visit routine and I take one Complera a day. I have remained undetectable on just the Complera. I hope my story doesn't scare you. My doctor said only 10 % of the newly infected get sick and only 10 % of them get as sick as I did. You'll be ok.

[VersatileBreeder]

Hey guys just checking in... In the waiting room at the ID doctor, first appointment. I'm so nervous and I don't know why. I'll check in a little later and let you know how it went.

[VersatileBreeder]

Went to the doctor and he was great! This was pretty much just the consultation and blood drawing.... They drew about all the blood out of my left arm. But for some reason, when I left there today, I felt relieved. I was nervous about going there, but I felt good when I left. Probably the best I've felt since I found out I was poz. We'll see how it goes...

[fillmyholeftl]

GREAT to HEAR.... You'll be fine, after all I am & they took care of me at the beginning

Went to the doctor and he was great! This was pretty much just the consultation and blood drawing.... They drew about all the blood out of my left arm. But for some reason, when I left there today, I felt relieved. I was nervous about going there, but I felt good when I left. Probably the best I've felt since I found out I was poz. We'll see how it goes...

[wood]

Went to the doctor and he was great! This was pretty much just the consultation and blood drawing.... They drew about all the blood out of my left arm. But for some reason, when I left there today, I felt relieved. I was nervous about going there, but I felt good when I left. Probably the best I've felt since I found out I was poz. We'll see how it goes...

you feel better because you are taking action, and thats a good thing. Continue on the same path and things will continue to get better.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

I've been off traveling... So just catching up. This is a terrific thread, my thanks to you poptronic for your courage in starting it. Glad to see this has gone well for you. Keep us in the loop as you start meds, and as you continue to work through your emotions. BZ needed this thread. Thanks!

[btm2bbred]

Glad you are able to relax a bit after the stress of last week. You are doing all the right things, so I'm sure you'll be fine.

The worst part of your last few weeks was the uncertainty. Now that you know you are poz, you can deal with it.

Get a good night's sleep tonight, and just take things one day at a time. Be pro-active with your medical treatment plan, ask questions of your health providers. Find out about drug payment options you may qualify for in NJ. At this crossroads in your life, a pozitive attitude is essential.

Went to the doctor and he was great! This was pretty much just the consultation and blood drawing.... They drew about all the blood out of my left arm. But for some reason, when I left there today, I felt relieved. I was nervous about going there, but I felt good when I left. Probably the best I've felt since I found out I was poz. We'll see how it goes...

[pozpig]

I remember the blood draw from my initial consultation. I felt similar, but I actually thought they took half the blood in my entire body (13 vials if I recall!). You're definitely off to a better start than I am. I waited 2 months before seeing a doctor, but that was more out of ignorance as to where to get treatment as all I had was a packet of documents the "devil woman who told me I was poz" gave me that I refused to look at.

Keep in mind that this is just the start. I'm sure your doc will put you on meds to minimize the damage to your immune system. Don't worry too much about the side effects. Most meds will have something that is uncomfortable, but as long as it's tolerable, please continue to take them. After a couple weeks, the side effects should start to wear off. I was initially put on Zerit, Epivir and Sustiva. I actually kinda liked the side effects from the Sustiva. It was like taking a pill that would make me drunk (happy drunk) that would last an hour or so. Definitely not something to drive with, but one of the better side effects was intense dreams. Not so great if one has nightmares, as they're far more real feeling, but the sex dreams were incredible! LOL

I'm sure I speak for everyone in that we would all like to be kept up to date. It's a stressful time, and we're all here to give our own insight on how we dealt with the initial days/weeks and even months after begining the journey you're starting. Just remember, we've all been there, and although some of us didn't have much of a support group initially, you do have that here with us and I'm sure many of us are more than willing to offer any support or suggestions to assist you.

[VersatileBreeder]

You guys are the best. Seriously. I put up this thread two weeks ago in a total state of panic with the hopes that a couple of people would respond with some information and advice that *might* calm me down. Two weeks and sixty-something replies later, I have gotten a wealth of knowledge I probably wouldn't have gotten elsewhere and words of encouragement and advice that really helped boost my morale. I really can't thank you guys enough. I just hope that one day I may be able to pay it forward and help some 29 year old guy that falls into these shoes and is scared out of his mind.

I will keep you guys posted on things going forward. Also, since I love writing and its therapeutic for me, I was thinking about writing a blog that basically talks about how I got to where I am today at this crossroads, and how I feel going forward. The blog will have several chapters, almost like an autobiography. It is going to be written brutally honest, raunchy at times and heartfelt and introspective at others. It will help me to vent all this out and also give other guys with interest on the topic some reading material. If you're interested, let me know and I will send the web link for it.

[VersatileBreeder]

For anyone following this thread who is interested... I actually just started up my blog. It's called "Life Going From Negative to Positive." I am anticipating that I will be writing some really good articles that many of you may find interesting. Again, the purpose of the blog (aside from being therapeutic for me as I like writing) is to be thought-provoking, entertaining at certain points, reflective, HOT (yes, there will be some graphic articles), and also somewhat educational. I am writing the blog under the name "Cooper Slayton," which is a combination of a couple of alter ego nicknames I have had throughout the years (don't ask), but it's not my real name in case you were wondering.

I just posted the first article today, titled "Fear of the Bug in the Early Years." It is pretty short. I think some of my upcoming articles will be longer. It basically is about how I carried a real fear of HIV from childhood- all true stuff. The web link is http://neg2poz.blogspot.com/2014/02/fear-of-bug-in-early-years.html.

Let me know what you guys think! Feel free to comment either on here or on the blog page itself.

[fillmyholeftl]

I think this is a great idea & will be therapeutic. I look forward to reading it.

[wood]

For anyone following this thread who is interested... I actually just started up my blog. It's called "Life Going From Negative to Positive." I am anticipating that I will be writing some really good articles that many of you may find interesting. Again, the purpose of the blog (aside from being therapeutic for me as I like writing) is to be thought-provoking, entertaining at certain points, reflective, HOT (yes, there will be some graphic articles), and also somewhat educational. I am writing the blog under the name "Cooper Slayton," which is a combination of a couple of alter ego nicknames I have had throughout the years (don't ask), but it's not my real name in case you were wondering.

I just posted the first article today, titled "Fear of the Bug in the Early Years." It is pretty short. I think some of my upcoming articles will be longer. It basically is about how I carried a real fear of HIV from childhood- all true stuff. The web link is http://neg2poz.blogspot.com/2014/02/fear-of-bug-in-early-years.html.

Let me know what you guys think! Feel free to comment either on here or on the blog page itself.

good job man! I now for me writing can be therapeutic, so keep it coming.