Ex Fuck Bud Freaked Out When I Told Him About My Poz Status

[VersatileBreeder]

Fear seems to be the most powerful emotion we have; it's no wonder why people will do nearly anything when they are in fear. For me, it's sad to see people living in fear, because they really have no idea just how powerful you can be when you no longer fear the petty things in life.

I have Verizon (not my choice), and it isn't free; however, you do get the ability to block 5 numbers for free at intervals of a few months (I think it's six). It's definitely a service that most people should make available for harassment situations, especially ones with this severity. An alternative is to use a service like YouMail. When I used them for my voicemail, I was able to have certain greetings for each number that called ( I believe google voice does this as well). If I remember correct, YouMail can actually block a number from leaving a message. If this is still available, you could simply make his number receive a generic vociemail message, and then disconnect without him getting a chance to leave a message. That way, you can record how often he texts/calls you, and you can report it to the police much easier if things do happen to escalate. Passive aggressive offence is not a bad idea when you can maintain a cool head.

But, if you'd rather not face the potential emotional problems, it's probably best to block his number entirely. Might not be a bad idea for you to get the police notified, and let them know the situation at hand. This will probably make your case look better should it go to court, and it shows you've made an effort to actually prevent legal problems from the start. While the cops may do very little right now, a filed report of plausible concern will only serve as a little bit of insurance. Trying to avoid police involvement only makes you look guilty in court; trust me on that one, I've seen it happen a lot. While I'm actively against our police/court system, and I'm a heavy supporter of proper anarchy, I'm recommending police involvement... Call it what you will lol.

To be honest, I'm going to let this settle right now. Our conversation after he took the test, he basically implied that there is nothing for him to get bent out of shape about and that he is going to drop this thing. Now as far as blocking his number, I thought about that. Though if I do that and he tries to contact me for any reason, he will know that I did and that might infuriate him and may make him want to find me. Remember what I said- the kid has PROBLEMS. I am saving his texts JUST in case, but I have no plans of contacting him any further.

As far as going to the police, I am not going to do that unless he harasses me any further. Honestly, at this point, I don't think he will. He is so HIV-phobic (and I thought I was bad when I was neg), that he will probably want nothing to do with me going forward. So as far as police reports, nothing for right now. Like my father always told me... Don't make problems where there is no problem.

[VersatileBreeder]

If you want to be discreet then be careful who you let in your life. I'm not judging but if you let people who you can't trust in your life well....

I get what you're saying BAMFJOCKS, but keep in mind, this kid wasn't a problem before this. Sure I always thought he was a little drama filled and immature, but that's why we were never anything more than fuck buds. We would meet, we would fuck and we would both go our separate ways. That's how it always was. I never had to deal with anything on this scale with this kid until today.

[BAMFJOCKS]

But people put on masks and you never know who they are until something like this happens and their true colors come out.

[VersatileBreeder]

Poptronic, your first lesson about disclosure. You did nothing wrong. But next recollection just make notes to yourself and give it time. Yes you need to disclose to new sex partners. Hold off with old flames for now. Let yourself become accustomed to being poz. Future disclosures? Only orally so nothing is written. And only in person where you are fully aware of surroundings.

Doc put you on meds yet?

Sorry JizzDump, I forgot to answer your question. No, not on meds yet. Doctor has to get my blood results back (either this week or next) and when all those come back, he will be putting me on meds.

[Rayne]

Rayne and BAMFJOCKS, who do you mean when you say "these people," that I am giving "these people" control of my life? I just want to keep this HIV status to myself. Is that so bad?

I understand you're trying to keep this to yourself, and we're not saying that it's a bad thing; however, what we're saying is that it more than likely WILL get out somehow, and to not fight it when it does happen. You can only control yourself, and what you're doing is indirectly trying to control others from letting this information get out. Information is information, there isn't good or bad information. How YOU treat the information, how you LET IT affect you, and how others handle the information is what we perceive, and many of us misinterpret this as good/bad information. Make sense? So, essentially, what I'm eluding to is that you need to stop trying to take control of what information other people try to let out. I understand you don't want people to know your status, and I respect that. But the reality is, there are people who don't care about that privacy, and trying to hide it is only going to make you look bad when other people find out. You have to look at this objectively, but you are looking at it subjectively. Forget the intention you have for the moment, and realise that intentions only matter to a certain extent. You know the expression "it's the thought that counts"? We all know it's bullshit, but it makes us feel better; it makes the recipient of a shit gift feel better for not being a complete dick, and it makes the giver feel appreciated. Intentions only mean so much. I hate to sound cold about it, but it's true; especially when you look at it from other perspectives.

As far as the "these people" reference, I'm inferring your obsession over what anyone may think about your HIV status; family, friends, co-workers, strangers, that sort of thing. By fearing what other people might think about you, you are ultimately giving them control over the situation, and ultimately you. It may sound odd, but given the entire picture, it makes sense when the pieces are put into place. Consider it the 'master plan' so to speak lol.

Rayne- once again, I appreciate your feedback, but I still don't think you fully get me, or really get what happened today. I woke up totally relaxed. I wasn't stressing. I am starting to live peacefully knowing I have HIV, even though it hasn't been even three weeks yet. I am starting to think about it less and less.

Always a pleasure to help someone understand it from another perspective, even if not entirely accepted lol. Again, hate to sound like a dick about this, but I don't think you actually understand the picture I'm trying to give you. I'm not concerned with how your emotions are involved, I'm concerned with how you're acting on them. How you handle your emotions internally is one thing, and you seem to be handling that okay, for the most part. What I am concerned about is how your emotions will guide your interactions, and the problems that will arise if you let your emotions actually take control. It's very easy to not realise that we might have stopped being rationale, and someone is practically making you act on emotion. For example: sociopaths play on human emotion very well, and they rely on their abilities to get people to forget reason all together. I'm not implying that this guy is a sociopath, I'm just explaining that you may not notice when you're no longer being objective in a situation.

When I informed this dude this morning about my status he went crazy and threatened to out me and my status to everyone. I forgot to mention that he knows where I work, I'm a teacher. If you were a teacher, would you want some kid marching into the administration office to tell them about how they have a teacher in the school with HIV that infected him? Well, luckily his test came back negative, but if it came back positive, who knows what he would have done? Like I said, he has serious issues. There is a lot on the line for me and if anyone is going to tell anybody about my status, it will be me, no one else.

Again, the fear of someone knowing is taking over, and it's making you forget about objectivity. Fear does many things to people. I can't say I'd have done any better, but that doesn't mean it justifies your actions. We are all human, and we all need to learn from our actions, both good and bad. If you do something that others find 'bad,' then think about your actions as if you were studying someone else; did "that person" (aka you) handle the situation with rational thinking? Forget about the emotional response and focus on the events and actions that took place. The only way we can handle a future event better is by analysing our actions, and acknowledging that we might have made a mistake with how we acted. It doesn't mean we were in the wrong, it's just simple questioning to be sure of ourselves.

Can you really blame me for getting rattled up about this today? If you were in my shoes, would you not have been too? If this never happened this morning, my day would have been fine. I wasn't going to carry my day on with a constant "waaaaaahhh, I have HIV and I don't know what to do..." No, I'm past that stage. But this kid threw me a curveball I wasn't ready for.

In short: no, I can't blame you. You became emotional, you lost your objectivity, and you acted human. If anything, it's probably more commendable to the vast majority of people. What you probably don't realise is that you're also placing the blame for your reaction on someone else, instead of taking responsibility for your actions. YOU reacted in a way, and whether you find it appropriate or not in the situation, YOU were the one who acted that way. Even though I don't think we have complete freewill (which I can explain privately if someone desires), I do believe that we can take a concious effort to think about what we've done, and to at least own up to being the direct cause of our actions. In Newton's third law of physics, there's an action and reaction. I believe that people are not exempt from this law, and that if we react to something, it is simply because of the laws of physics/nature; therefore, even though it is technically a reaction to something, you yourself are the reaction, and you can make the reaction be a different one if you try. I'm not saying you eliminate reaction, but you influence the reaction into something different entirely.

Hopefully I'm not boring anyone lol

[BAMFJOCKS]

I understand you're trying to keep this to yourself, and we're not saying that it's a bad thing; however, what we're saying is that it more than likely WILL get out somehow, and to not fight it when it does happen. You can only control yourself, and what you're doing is indirectly trying to control others from letting this information get out. Information is information, there isn't good or bad information. How YOU treat the information, how you LET IT affect you, and how others handle the information is what we perceive, and many of us misinterpret this as good/bad information. Make sense? So, essentially, what I'm eluding to is that you need to stop trying to take control of what information other people try to let out. I understand you don't want people to know your status, and I respect that. But the reality is, there are people who don't care about that privacy, and trying to hide it is only going to make you look bad when other people find out. You have to look at this objectively, but you are looking at it subjectively. Forget the intention you have for the moment, and realise that intentions only matter to a certain extent. You know the expression "it's the thought that counts"? We all know it's bullshit, but it makes us feel better; it makes the recipient of a shit gift feel better for not being a complete dick, and it makes the giver feel appreciated. Intentions only mean so much. I hate to sound cold about it, but it's true; especially when you look at it from other perspectives.

As far as the "these people" reference, I'm inferring your obsession over what anyone may think about your HIV status; family, friends, co-workers, strangers, that sort of thing. By fearing what other people might think about you, you are ultimately giving them control over the situation, and ultimately you. It may sound odd, but given the entire picture, it makes sense when the pieces are put into place. Consider it the 'master plan' so to speak lol.

Always a pleasure to help someone understand it from another perspective, even if not entirely accepted lol. Again, hate to sound like a dick about this, but I don't think you actually understand the picture I'm trying to give you. I'm not concerned with how your emotions are involved, I'm concerned with how you're acting on them. How you handle your emotions internally is one thing, and you seem to be handling that okay, for the most part. What I am concerned about is how your emotions will guide your interactions, and the problems that will arise if you let your emotions actually take control. It's very easy to not realise that we might have stopped being rationale, and someone is practically making you act on emotion. For example: sociopaths play on human emotion very well, and they rely on their abilities to get people to forget reason all together. I'm not implying that this guy is a sociopath, I'm just explaining that you may not notice when you're no longer being objective in a situation.

Again, the fear of someone knowing is taking over, and it's making you forget about objectivity. Fear does many things to people. I can't say I'd have done any better, but that doesn't mean it justifies your actions. We are all human, and we all need to learn from our actions, both good and bad. If you do something that others find 'bad,' then think about your actions as if you were studying someone else; did "that person" (aka you) handle the situation with rational thinking? Forget about the emotional response and focus on the events and actions that took place. The only way we can handle a future event better is by analysing our actions, and acknowledging that we might have made a mistake with how we acted. It doesn't mean we were in the wrong, it's just simple questioning to be sure of ourselves.

In short: no, I can't blame you. You became emotional, you lost your objectivity, and you acted human. If anything, it's probably more commendable to the vast majority of people. What you probably don't realise is that you're also placing the blame for your reaction on someone else, instead of taking responsibility for your actions. YOU reacted in a way, and whether you find it appropriate or not in the situation, YOU were the one who acted that way. Even though I don't think we have complete freewill (which I can explain privately if someone desires), I do believe that we can take a concious effort to think about what we've done, and to at least own up to being the direct cause of our actions. In Newton's third law of physics, there's an action and reaction. I believe that people are not exempt from this law, and that if we react to something, it is simply because of the laws of physics/nature; therefore, even though it is technically a reaction to something, you yourself are the reaction, and you can make the reaction be a different one if you try. I'm not saying you eliminate reaction, but you influence the reaction into something different entirely.

Hopefully I'm not boring anyone lol

that was masterful.

[Rayne]

I try my best to make a valid point lol

[joethomas]

Poptronic, hopefully the episode with the 19-yo is truly over and done so that you can focus on your health and your needs in the short term. Some things will always be out of your control, but it sounds like you have the right attitude to roll with the punches (although I've learned that deep breaths and repeating the phrase "fuck it!" helps sometimes, too).

[hungry_hole]

I think that poptronic is dealing with his situation as newly pozzed extremely well.

Because the 19 year old is so emotionally unstable and unpredictable it may be a better idea to be nice to him and support him until his blood test for HIV comes back negative after the 3 months window period. Then, disconnect yourself from him, but not before you know with total certainty that he is HIV-negative. Otherwise, if he keeps fucking around and by any chance he gets infected he will continue to blame you for any infection he may catch.

[firefighter]

Turn it around on him, tell him you think he's the one who pozzed you and that you're going after him. He was completely reckless to fuck you without a condom and then you became poz, so it must have been him.

I know it's nonsense, but there's more of a chance that you got it from him than that he got it from you.

Why is there no thumbs up facility on these boards, love your way of thinking Rawtop

[firefighter]

Rayne post #35 above excellent, it was far from boring. You should open an agony aunt column

[VersatileBreeder]

I think that poptronic is dealing with his situation as newly pozzed extremely well.

Because the 19 year old is so emotionally unstable and unpredictable it may be a better idea to be nice to him and support him until his blood test for HIV comes back negative after the 3 months window period. Then, disconnect yourself from him, but not before you know with total certainty that he is HIV-negative. Otherwise, if he keeps fucking around and by any chance he gets infected he will continue to blame you for any infection he may catch.

Thanks hungry hole. Though I am not sure keeping contact with him for another 6 weeks is the best idea.

First, I read somewhere that 95% or 98% of newly poz people would show poz on an OraQuick test by 6 weeks. Not to sound callous, but given what I am dealing with, those odds are good enough for me, given his risk factor.

If I were to call him today and say, "by the way, that test you took yesterday has a 90 day window and you took it at 45 days, so even though you're PROBABLY really neg, we won't know for sure for another 6 weeks," it would be a disaster. I would have to listen to him for the next 6 weeks screaming about how he is going to show poz when he tests next.

Point blank, I want this kid out of my life and I think that test he took yesterday was his ticket out.

[fillmyholeftl]

You are 100% right, DO NOT CONTACT HIM with that statistic... that's what I was referring to in my post yesterday.

Good Luck with EVEYTHING my friend

Thanks hungry hole. Though I am not sure keeping contact with him for another 6 weeks is the best idea.

First, I read somewhere that 95% or 98% of newly poz people would show poz on an OraQuick test by 6 weeks. Not to sound callous, but given what I am dealing with, those odds are good enough for me, given his risk factor.

If I were to call him today and say, "by the way, that test you took yesterday has a 90 day window and you took it at 45 days, so even though you're PROBABLY really neg, we won't know for sure for another 6 weeks," it would be a disaster. I would have to listen to him for the next 6 weeks screaming about how he is going to show poz when he tests next.

Point blank, I want this kid out of my life and I think that test he took yesterday was his ticket out.

[wood]

Just to update...

This guy texted me about 40 minutes ago saying that he went out and bought an OraQuick test and is going to do it. Also said that I better "pray that the test is negative, though I know it's going to be positive." Here's how our text conversation went after that...

ME: You don't know it's going to be positive. In fact, it's much more likely going to come back negative because you were the top, putting you at substantially lower risk.

HIM: BUT YOU HAVE HIV!!!! WE DIDN'T USE A CONDOM!! HOW CAN IT POSSIBLY BE NEGATIVE?!?!?!?! YOU KILLED ME, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?!?! YOU FUCKING KILLED ME!!!

ME: Just take the test and let me know what the outcome is.

Is it unbelievable how naive he is about HIV? Ten minutes later, he texted me frantic that there was a line appearing on the test. I asked him which line and he said next to the C. Did he even read the instructions??? I told him that's normal and wait another 10-15 minutes before reading the test.

20 minutes later he texted me again to tell me there is only one line at the C on the test. I told him that means it's negative. He texted me back a few minutes later with these exact words, "I'm so sorry I accused you earlier. May God be with you."

Really?!?! A few hours ago he was threatening to ruin my life and now he's bringing God into it?? I told him I forgive him but he really needs to 1) learn how to manage his anger and 2) start using condoms because he clearly thinks that HIV is not a possibility for him to catch and it is.

He called me and we had a conversation about it. He also said that we should look for the guy who pozzed me to get back at him. He said he would help me because that guy put me at risk, which then put him at risk. I told him thank you, but I don't get off on revenge, it doesn't solve anything. He clearly does have severe anger issues.

Anyway, this neg OraQuick test was 6 weeks since our encounter. Mine was at 5 when it showed results. How accurate should I take that for?

Let it go..Its accurate enough for you and him. If he topped you the chance is low to begin with, just forget about him now. He obviously doesn't understand how transmission works, so having any other conversation about it is worthless. Go back to focusing on yourself.

[haireebear]

If you have an iPhone, the new iOS 7 allows you to block any numbers

This guy is trouble. Sorry you had to deal with an immature psycho.