Can Relationships Work?

[RWHID]

I've been Poz since June of 2012 - probably a few months before but that's when I got tested. The person I assumed I got it from lied to me the entire 8 months we were together, telling me he was negative and of course I believed him... he is in jail now because other people went forward and told on him. We still talk when he calls from jail, but I told him last year we had to end it because we don't know how long he is going to be in there, and I didn't want to "cheat" on him while he was in there. He was cool with that and we still talk now every week...

I ended up meeting a guy and we hit it off for a couple months and I went to visit him, and things went downhill from there. I guess he didn't like me after meeting me in person. I was ignored the two days I was there and came home feeling like shit.

I ended up meeting another guy and after a couple weeks we met up. I really liked him, so we meet again at a hotel. No sex just hanging out and talking about life. He knew I was Poz from the start. He told me it was the best night he had had and I felt the same. We had a lot in common and he wanted to build a relationship and go forward and I was game. However, I kept catching him in lies... stupid lies. I told him if he was honest there is no reason to lie. The lies were about him hooking up with other people. I told him I was cool with it since we were both bottoms, just be honest about it. He came to stay a few days... had lots of fun without sex. Last night he gets caught in a lie again and then tells his parents I have HIV and they flipped their wig. I was suppose to get him this morning and hang out because he wanted to explain his actions, but when I called his mom (who he still lives with, he's 22) took his phone, screaming that I gave her son AIDS and how they are going to have me arrested, even though we never had sex. No faggot is going to ruin her reputation! I was lost for words... I've done but treat him like gold, offered to help him get his own apartment and car, and he says he's going to side with her over me because he lives in her house. He tells me he loved me, but says I make him sick and agrees to file a report if she makes him...

This is the fourth person I have tried to build a relationship with. I grew up in an abusive family and had a lot of shit happen to me over the years, and it's taken a long time to get over, and a lot I am still dealing with in counseling. I just want to find someone I can settle down with... someone who doesn't lie about stupid things... someone who doesn't let mommy control their every word and move. I've gotten use to people just using me so I feel like that is the normal thing to do, so when someone wants sex I just give it to them. He was different, but honestly I feel like there's nothing more out there. I'm tired of looking for someone to be a friend... tired of looking for that one person... there's no one out there for me... unless they thing I will top them and Poz them, since the last two guys are both on this site and both wanted to get Poz'd. That's not my thing... and I think they think I will until they get to know me and realize I won't do it, then they just write me off...

[rawTOP]

Relationships happen when you least expect them. I met my husband 16+ years ago in a bathhouse - not really a place your mother would tell you to go meet a husband, but people drop their guard when they're having sex and you see the real person. There was just a spark about him that attracted me (it wasn't the sex - we're actually not all that sexually compatible). The important thing is to be "present" in all situations so you recognize when someone special comes along. You really never know when you'll met "the one".

I've gotten use to people just using me so I feel like that is the normal thing to do, so when someone wants sex I just give it to them.

I love that statement. You actually sound like a lot of fun. Don't try to change who you are and be someone else. Who knows, that willingness to give of yourself may be what someone really finds attractive. And likewise, don't get with someone who wants to change you or doesn't want you to give of yourself to other people.

I forget who it was, but I heard this interview with this really successful person the other day and one of the comments he made was that he's failed more times than he can count. In other words, you have to put yourself out there and try in order to succeed. If you fear failure you'll probably fail. So just keep plugging along - you never know when it'll all work out for you.

[wood]

Relationships happen when you least expect them. I met my husband 16+ years ago in a bathhouse - not really a place your mother would tell you to go meet a husband, but people drop their guard when they're having sex and you see the real person. There was just a spark about him that attracted me (it wasn't the sex - we're actually not all that sexually compatible). The important thing is to be "present" in all situations so you recognize when someone special comes along. You really never know when you'll met "the one".

Bingo.

All of my relationships that have "worked" happen when you least expect them. I almost feel that the people looking for relationships are destined for failure.

[BC_Bottom]

Relationships happen. You can't plan them, or go looking.

Just get out of the house, do things, and be open to possibilities. (or POZibilities)

In my experience relationships happen when you least expect it.

[RWHID]

My bad, I said I was Poz since July of 2012, it was 2013, 2012 is when this person was with the guy who I assumed Poz'd me.

Any who, thanks for the comments. If I wasn't the way I am I would totally get out. I'm agoraphobic and have panic attacks when I am out in fairly large crowds. I like to do stuff with just me and that person, which makes it hard to really meet anyone. When I have someone to do stuff with I do get out, but my friends seems to not want to talk to me since I became positive and the only people who do are the ones who just want sex or more, which clearly isn't working. I even suggested not to have a relationship with this last guy, just be friends and go slow and we were cool with that, but this his mother got all involved and said she's having him file a report against me for non disclosure even though we never did anything. He said he was siding with her, which hurt the most.

I haven't had dick in my ass since July of last year, it's kinda taking its toll.

[Njguy]

Don't look for a relationship....just focus on you and have fun, enjoy life. A relationship will come when you least expect it. It happened to me recently, very unexpected and where I met him was also very unexpected.

[rawTOP]

my friends seems to not want to talk to me since I became positive

Then they're not really your friends. Move on and be done with them.

the only people who do are the ones who just want sex or more, which clearly isn't working …

I haven't had dick in my ass since July of last year, it's kinda taking its toll.

So people are hitting you up for sex but you're not having sex? I'm confused. If people are hitting you up for sex - have sex with them - it's a great way to meet gay guys - even if you don't ask their name until after they've cum in your ass

I'm agoraphobic and have panic attacks when I am out in fairly large crowds. I like to do stuff with just me and that person, which makes it hard to really meet anyone.

It's summer. Get out to cruisy parks. Do outdoor stuff that doesn't trigger your agoraphobia. Go to the gym (one with small or no crowds). Go bike riding through gay neighborhoods. Find a gay beach (I know you're in Missouri - so one on a river or a lake). There are tons of things you can do - especially this time of year.

Basically I'm hearing excuses that don't hold water. Get out there and DO SOMETHING! [sorry for the "tough love" - but it sounds like you need it.]

[TigerMilner]

Then they're not really your friends. Move on and be done with them.

So people are hitting you up for sex but you're not having sex? I'm confused. If people are hitting you up for sex - have sex with them - it's a great way to meet gay guys - even if you don't ask their name until after they've cum in your ass

It's summer. Get out to cruisy parks. Do outdoor stuff that doesn't trigger your agoraphobia. Go to the gym (one with small or no crowds). Go bike riding through gay neighborhoods. Find a gay beach (I know you're in Missouri - so one on a river or a lake). There are tons of things you can do - especially this time of year.

Basically I'm hearing excuses that don't hold water. Get out there and DO SOMETHING! [sorry for the "tough love" - but it sounds like you need it.]

I second everything RT says, and I'm like you, I don't like being in crowds, though I've never labeled it a phobia. The exception is when I'm naked. Then I love a crowd. Even if they are clothed. lol. As long as their dicks are out. And I LOVE riding my bike and what it does for my legs and my ass, which makes it all a great big circle of life. Go do someone.

[RWHID]

So people are hitting you up for sex but you're not having sex? I'm confused. If people are hitting you up for sex - have sex with them - it's a great way to meet gay guys - even if you don't ask their name until after they've cum in your ass

Before I was Poz I was with lots of people. Over 30 within 2 months, which is a lot for me since I only started having sex two months before that. Since I've been outed as being Poz people tend to stay away or not reply to ads I post. The people I do hook up with offer sex, but once I am there it just becomes oral and that's it, so no I haven't had dick in my ass since July.

I second everything RT says, and I'm like you, I don't like being in crowds, though I've never labeled it a phobia. The exception is when I'm naked. Then I love a crowd. Even if they are clothed. lol. As long as their dicks are out. And I LOVE riding my bike and what it does for my legs and my ass, which makes it all a great big circle of life. Go do someone.

That's how I am. When my first boyfriend would invite his 3 friends over I would go to the bedroom and not come out until they left. Even small crowds effect me. However, when it involves fucking or sucking I am gung ho and have a blast. Maybe that's why I look for people and am okay with them using me because it lets me be myself for about 30 minutes. I had a thing with a neighbor here, but I think he packed his wife and kids up and moved. I live in a very small town and even the Poz guys from the larger cities (not really that far away) don't seem to want anything to do with me. I have no car right now and have even offered to pay all the gas... no goes.

Edited June 4, 2014 by RWHID

[wood]

Any who, thanks for the comments. If I wasn't the way I am I would totally get out. I'm agoraphobic and have panic attacks when I am out in fairly large crowds. I like to do stuff with just me and that person, which makes it hard to really meet anyone. When I have someone to do stuff with I do get out, but my friends seems to not want to talk to me since I became positive and the only people who do are the ones who just want sex or more, which clearly isn't working.

I haven't had dick in my ass since July of last year, it's kinda taking its toll.

Just have some drinks before you go out. Seriously. My one ex HATED going out, but you get a few drinks in him, and he would capitulate, then once he was out he would have a good time. Obviously Alcohol can also cause problems if abused, but its a great social lubricant

If you just want dick, go get it at a bathhouse, but it sounds like you NEED more social interaction.

[rawTOP]

Before I was Poz I was with lots of people. Over 30 within 2 months, which is a lot for me since I only started having sex two months before that. Since I've been outed as being Poz people tend to stay away or not reply to ads I post. The people I do hook up with offer sex, but once I am there it just becomes oral and that's it, so no I haven't had dick in my ass since July.

Are you in a state that legally requires disclosure? If not, and you're on meds, then just don't disclose unless they bring it up. If you're ever challenged tell them to fuck off - that there isn't one documented case of an undetectable guy infecting someone - you're the safest thing they can have sex with and their ignorance is what's putting them at risk, not your HIV status.

Another alternative is to have sex in anonymous venues where status isn't typically discussed - parks, bathhouses, bookstores, etc.

I live in a very small town

I hate to say this, but you may need to restructure your life and move to a bigger city (or metropolitan area) where guys aren't poz-hostile. I know you don't want to hear that, but guys in major cities just don't have these problems.

[RWHID]

Are you in a state that legally requires disclosure? If not, and you're on meds, then just don't disclose unless they bring it up. If you're ever challenged tell them to fuck off - that there isn't one documented case of an undetectable guy infecting someone - you're the safest thing they can have sex with and their ignorance is what's putting them at risk, not your HIV status.

Another alternative is to have sex in anonymous venues where status isn't typically discussed - parks, bathhouses, bookstores, etc.

I hate to say this, but you may need to restructure your life and move to a bigger city (or metropolitan area) where guys aren't poz-hostile. I know you don't want to hear that, but guys in major cities just don't have these problems.

Yea, Missouri requires you to disclose. That is why my ex is in jail now. I didn't realize it at the time what I was doing to try and stop him, but it got all out of control. He doesn't blame me though, says it's for the best. They did drop the charge of him infecting me down to non disclosure, but one of our friends lied and said he didn't disclose to him, even though they never had sex, I was the only one to have sex with him, and he said he and the other guy only lied because my boyfriend at the time refused to let me be in a 4-way with them and another guy, which I didn't want to anyways, so false charges by revenge.

I am planning on moving soon, just waiting for the call to move into my apartment. It's not big, but the biggest one around me I can get up and move too without needing help... I've thought about the annoyance thing... it's hot and I'm sure I'd get lucky a lot... but the though of them finding out and going to police... maybe I should wear a mask. Lol

[hungry_hole]

"Can Relationships Work?" is an interesting question.

For me the key to a successful male-male relationship is making sure that the relationship is strong independent of the sex. I would never stay or leave a relationship just because of the sex. That's what fuck buddies are for. If I'm going to be in a relationship it's because we both enjoy each other's company and we can live in peace and harmony. Sex is not important for me when it comes to relationships.

[PERVERSATILE]

To achieve wisdom thru longevity,

is an obligation,

to share that knowledge,

is a privilege.

.

I myself am hard headed as hell

-with some hard lessons,

learned the hard way:

Like when ur Daddy '

chucks you into the pond-

to learn you how to swim.

Having said that-

I swear in the name of (place name or title of deity here)

That the Pain

Remorse

Anger

Fear

and Heart Ache,

you are having right now,

Will NOT Kill You.

Nor will it fade away in an expedient fashion.

Those dark feeling can not t be

ignored-

therapied

-lost thru intoxication.

that Pain can't even be fucked away

Or beat out of you.

They are yours, and you own them ,

Those personal horrors are the building blocks of the Man you will become One Day

and in the Future those pale quiet demons, will only hurt a lil' bit not very often and at odd times.

Here's some firm fucking advice

Get the Hell out of Missouri.

-worse case scenario is you can move to Seattle

work at the Gap an Make 15 Fuckin Dollars an Hour.

Every Day practice saying

"FUCK YOU!" -Real Loud.

and

"No, I don't want to"

and

" can you Help me with something"

and

"Just because you have a problem with (Fill in the blank) Does not mean I have a Problem, that is your problem."

Work on your posture-

Stand up straight-don't slouch.

Take off your shoes when you walk in your House/apartment/trailer/ashram

Find a really thick book- 500 pages or more- Hardback -written at least 75 years ago. Read It

No Caffeine

get some Exercise , Walking is ideal.

go late at night, make sure your shoes have glow in the dark or have lights in the soles ,and good arch support.

Try the kind that make it look like you have monkey feet.

Go for a walk during the day with extra dark RayBans and an iPod shoved in ur ears.

Make sure you are breathing correctly

( if your stomach draws in when you are inhaling- you are doing it wrong.)

Go do something for some one else for NO reason.

Walk someone's Dog.

Take someone to the grocery store that doesn't have a car.

Next time a Hobo ask you for some change

give him a dollar and ask what his name is.

make sure ur PASSPORT is valid.

If you are in therapy, DON"T even be thinking about being in no RELATIONSHIP.

YOUR Mental and Emotional Health is your #1 priority t this Point in Time-

You are Intelligent enuf to know,

that the energy and focus required to a become a

fully realized fully functional Human is NOT going to happen if your attentions are engaged in an Engagement.

Trying to figure out what ur going to name

your black market adopted Korean War Orphan

or which set of in-laws ur spending Christmas with IS the FUTURE.

Right Now

Right Here

you 're a little bit of a Hot Mess-

do you really want to try to have someone love you

-and love them back ,

while they have front row seats for your crise de nerfs

a starring roll in your malade du coeur "?

Ive been with my BF for 22 years

and I know all about Livin and Lovin in CrazyTown.

Is your therapist a woman?

If yes

Get the male kind.

and preferably not too handsome.

He's there to fix you not fuck you.

AND make sure you are completely comfortable telling the Doc EVERYTHING in your life

The BUTT Sex,

the scary Hand Puppets

the creepy little girl that lived in root cellar

Having to take baths with ur grandmother until you were 15-

EVERYTHING.

Did I say

Get the Hell out of Missouri?

Go watch

Romy and Michelle's High school Reunion. OVER and Over.

Make sure to pay close attention to the part

where Romy tell Christy Masterson .

That she is a bad person

with an ugly heart

and that she does not give a Flying Fuck what she thinks.

Practice that too

Well I'm all out- you owe me 5 cents

Ya'll git Better ya Hear?!

Oh this too

Cut Back on television viewing,

Stop reading newspapers /news feeds entirely-

-glossy fashion magazines in moderation are okay

- Current events are currently not that important.

[RWHID]

"Can Relationships Work?" is an interesting question.

For me the key to a successful male-male relationship is making sure that the relationship is strong independent of the sex. I would never stay or leave a relationship just because of the sex. That's what fuck buddies are for. If I'm going to be in a relationship it's because we both enjoy each other's company and we can live in peace and harmony. Sex is not important for me when it comes to relationships.

That's how I feel a relationship is about, and should be. I had it with my first one. We had so much fun together, but the lies tore us apart in the end. This last one, he was fun too, but it seemed like he was holding back due to his parents. I don't understand why one would hide who they are. He said he was out to friends and family, but didn't want random people to know he was gay... weird... why care about a random person on the street? If I cared about that I would have never came out officially. I remember once with my first boyfriend walking to the store and a hick drove up and called us faggots... I didn't run back and hide.

Maybe he didn't really want to be with me and just said that to get what he wanted from me, which seemed to be more attention than anything. It hurt at first, but my heart has been heart a lot over the years, so the pain comes in quick, and tends to leave fast. I just don't feel like I can do it again though. I'm just going to try and take a break and focus on myself for a change. Once I get into my new apartment I will have any guy over who wants to play, fuck me and hit the door.