Please help: Any places where black guys aren't automatically judged for their race?

[wanttobeseeded]

I'm wondering if anyone can help me. I'm a black guy, committed barebacker, live to take dudes' cocks and make them cum from using my ass. Living in Seattle (and before this, on the east coast and in the midwest) though, I find that most guys aren't looking for other black guys to fuck, and I get passed over all. The. Time. I'd like to say it doesn't mess with my sense of self, but it's really hard to go out looking or go online looking and be rejected, ignored, or told I'm not desirable just because of the color of my skin. I find myself getting depressed and feeling isolated and unwanted.

I think I'm a good looking guy, late twenties, tall and lean with some muscle, a beautiful tight ass that dudes who do fuck me absolutely love. I see a lot of posts here about people fucking (mostly getting fucked by) black guys, and it seems like that same racial fetishization that imagines black men as something different/other than white men, that makes guys not want to fuck me, also makes black men attractive to guys who get off on being fucked by someone other than a white man.

As a black gay man, I want to be treated like any other human being (who's good at fucking). I don't want to be identified primarily or solely by the color of my skin. I don't want people to assume what I am good at or good for in sex because of the color of my skin. I want to be free to have many sexual experiences as a bottom, and not be welcomed into nor rejected from sexual spaces just BECAUSE I'm dark-skinned.

So, my question to my barebacking friends is, does anyone else feel this way (black, white, or whatever your "race" or ethnicity)? Does this make sense? What do you do when you feel this way? Most importantly, do you know of any places to go where race doesn't matter as much in gay sex? I was thinking of places where black men love to fuck other black men, where being black wouldn't count against me. But I don't know of any places like that. I was reading a post here by a man who had questions about a black bathhouse. Would love to find a space like that, or any space that doesn't make me feel ugly or less desirable than a white guy. Thanks for any advice or help you can give; I'm getting pretty desperate.

[bberik]

Any color of skin is sexy. I'd fuck you, but I'm on the other side of the planet.

[a2malways]

This is a shame. I would have thought Seattle would be better than many areas. I guess it is somewhat better here in Toronto, at least in terms of outright prejudice. I have to admit I am surprised when I hear some of the racial bias in some places.

I have a ton of privilege, so not my place to compare oppression but among the only blanket negative I get (as I get older) is ageism. Generally people seem to think I am younger than I am, and I find that I am actually having more sex with guys under 35 than I did when I was under 35. But still I am on the wrong side of an arbitrary line like "No one over 40 please." In general I am pretty laid back and just think "Everybody has their thing" and you cannot fight that. But there is a difference between having a preference and being a complete dick about it.

My own struggle with race is with avoiding fetishization - or at least the appearance of fetishization. All things being equal I prefer black guys but I am sometimes reluctant to say so lest it appear as fetishization. Partially it is just the appearance of dark skin which makes bodies look tighter. But the main point is just that attributes that I look for are somewhat more common among black men, so when you are cruising a bathhouse, it is convenient shorthand. There is, if you will a "dark side" to fetishization. As a bisexual man I cruise a lot of amateur straight porn, and the whole "wives being fucked by BBC" genre is hot but sitting barely on top of a nasty legacy of racial fears.

While I won't pretend that racism does not exist in Canada, it doesn't have the same formal legal structural history as in the US. The black guy who fucked me last night was from the Caribbean. I don't pretend that the past was a golden era of harmony, but it is not like my great grandfather owned his great grandfather as chattel (and raped his great grandmother).

At the risk of being misinterpreted, black men in my area anyhow are somewhat more likely to:

- have larger cocks. (I know I know. I am not saying all black guys have huge dicks, but the distribution curve is not exactly the same among all populations and I am a total size queen)

- be uncut (and one of my strongest preferences is for uncut)

- be tops (it seems like 80% of all guys here are bottoms and much more even distribution among black guys)

- On the Down Low or non scene (which really just makes the NSA quickie, pump and dump more of an option)

- likely to bareback

So the majority of what appeals to me about black guys generally as sexual partners is just the greater distribution of attributes I prefer. I don't have any creepy fear/fetishization dynamic of the danger of "Thug" culture or a transgressive thrill of breaking some kind of line, although I definitely recognize those attitudes exist (again much less commonly in Canada I think).

But I am still applying some type of generic assumption. It may not be as bad as "ooooh it feels so dangerous to hookup with this Thug" bullshit but it is filtering individuals through a lens of reductionist commonality. Just last night I ran into a guy at the baths. He is an acquaintance (we hooked up once and I have seen him at this bath 4 or 5 times) and we would typically exchange a friendly greeting. He is a versatile bottom - with the emphasis on bottom. At one point last night he approached me chuckling and said "I topped earlier and now I want to bottom, no one will fuck me!" He is a decent looking guy, about 40, maybe 6' 1", 180 pounds and in fit but not ripped shape. Most guys look at him and immediately pigeonhole him as a dominant top. We are actually attracted to each other but only hooked up the once because he really does prefer to bottom. He usually wears a jock at the baths just to hide his cock, to try and let guys know that is not the body part he wants them to concentrate on.

It is very rare for a white guy to have the experience of being the "other" but about 10 years ago I went to the Mount Morris bath house in Harlem. I was the only White guy there and I could not get so much as a second look. It was a weekday and not very busy, but I was relatively young (early 30s) and conventionally decent looking. But for the largely older black crowd it was as though I did not exist. At the time I was pretty much oral only. I think I had been fucked three times in my life and never barebacked, but I probably would have given it up just for someone to give me the time of day.

So, even if some of the overt nastiness isn't there, still people's perceptions of race (whether factual or just bigoted) exist everywhere. I wish I could just say "come here to toronto and it will all be better" but I guess the best I can do is to acknowledge your experience is real (and suggest come here to Toronto and at the very least I would eat the many loads out of your ass that you would undoubtedly get).

If you are close enough to try Vancouver, you might have a different experience. There definitely are some bareback friendly places there where I think guys would be falling over each other to tap that ass.

[lilkris]

although i will look for anyone who i find attractive my personal preference is black guys, i find u guys are much more attractive.

[mancuntt]

Try Wahington DC.

[Belfast-Bottom]

I have no knowledge of New York, but on the basis of earlier forum threads it seems that the one or two functioning sex clubs there were predominately black. I don't know if they are still operating. I'm a white bottom who finds Tops of colour attractive. I also find darker toned cocks more attractive than pale white ones. I think black bottoms may have problems finding partners because of racial stereotypes about "hung black Tops". I guess most guys want you to top. I guess we still live in a world where people make assumptions about people based on race and ethnicity. All you can do is state what you want and you should find partners eventually. I've faced ethnic prejudice myself. As someone from Northern Ireland ( with a regognisable accent ) who was living in Great Britain during the I.R.A. bombing campaign, I faced suspicion and prejudice on the gay scene ( understandable, but not pleasant to deal with at the time ).

[rawTOP]

People just have their preferences. They always will. There's a point to which what you're describing will always exist. BUT I think what you're asking for is a place where skin color isn't such a big deal.

I'm white and I live in the middle of Harlem. I constantly see black guys saying they only want to hookup with black or latino guys. The black community here has faced so much racism over the years that it has become racist in that they completely jump to conclusions about white folks. Just the other day a woman from our block tried to explain to my boyfriend how some of her best friends were gay, but yes, she thought nothing of using the word faggot. People are weird. People are often xenophobic.

The key to finding people who aren't xenophobic is to find a place where races mix. The problem with middle America or Harlem is that the communities are only of one race - that leads to xenophobia.

Despite communities like Harlem or East New York which historically have been black ghettos, in general there's a lot of mixing in New York - and that's true sexually too. The average white gay guy here in NYC is a lot more likely to have sex with a black guy than they would in Omaha. There's still plenty of racism, but IMHO, there's less than you'd find elsewhere.

[jtonic]

I have the same question, but for asian guys. I have difficulty hooking up on that basis alone (and being poz hasn't exactly helped in the past 2 months either).

[bbzh]

To the OP: first take a deep breath. It's not that bad. It's never that bad. You have a lot going for you (e.g. youth, looks, mobility, intelligence etc). But you have a lot of stuff you need to sort out. A lot. You are struggling with race, your complexion, the fetishization of black men, being a (black) bottom in search of bb sex and the sexual frustration that entails, your geographical location, feeling excluded etc. Girl, pick a struggle! Just kidding.

Let's talk about what you can't control. You can't change your race or your complexion. You can't control the hang-ups other people have about your race or complexion. Blame the media and blame porn - which are controlled by white men - for that. Please don't waste your time being upset about that. It is unlikely to change in your lifetime.

Now here's what you can control. You can move to another place. You can get out and meet people. You can stop marketing yourself a certain way to a demographic that isn't interested in what you are selling. You can pop a pill and explore being a versatile bottom - you might be surprised by the number of guys who will flip fuck. Perhaps you can travel.

Seeking bareback sex only is going to further limit the number of guys who are interested in you. It's akin to going on a search engine like booking.com and saying I want a five star hotel in a particular city with free wifi, a spa, and parking. Try that and see how quickly your options dwindle. Guys might be willing to bareback with you once they get to know you. But you've got to lose the sense of entitlement. You said, "I'm good-looking, I'm tall, I'm lean." Well that's nice, but pretty horses don't win races, fast ones do.

You didn't mention if you were poz. If you are, that makes things even trickier. And most guys will assume that if you're barebacking, you're poz and that you have no control over.

But if you take nothing else away from this, learn to love and accept yourself and stop looking to others for validation. If a guy doesn't like how you look, there are others that do. Focus on them. And as easy as these apps and hook up sites have made it for certain groups to have sex, you must look beyond those. Get out and talk to people. Let them see you. Travel if you can. Meet people of different social and ethnic backgrounds.

Although I grew up in the US, I have been living in Europe the last 15 years. I wouldn't trade it for anything. There's racism here too but it doesn't bother me nearly as much. Countries that have a history of slavery/colonialism tend to marginalize black men. I do realize that my life has been pretty unusual for a black male from the South. I live abroad. I am very well educated. I speak 4 languages. I have a very good job and an income that allows me to travel the world. But when I travel, I take notes. And I have a very sexy (white) bf who is a versatile top who is just as piggy as me. But none of these things fell into my lap. I made sacrifices, I took chances and I had some very good luck. I didn't sit back and let life happen to me, nor did I wallow in self-pity. I am the master of my own destiny. By the way, I am writing this from Vienna, Austria where I took a couple of loads yesterday, with more to come.

Edited July 22, 2014 by bbzh

[Guest GoodExercise]

@wanttobeseeded, you sound sexy. There is way too much racial bias out there in sex and everything else. But, be careful. It is not always only about race. I love black men -- but not all black men. Some features that I like on black men (shaved head), I don't like on white guys (and vice versa). Same is true for Asian, Latin, white and any other "race." As well, some features I don't like on any guy (big belly, too muscled). Does the fact that some of my preferences are different based on skin color show racial bias? Am I just responding to stereotypes about what a guy of a particular race should look like and how he should act? To some extent, maybe. If so, I am sorry -- but I really don't know what to do about it (although I know I will be less picky when I see a guy in person than online, where it is too easy to just hit the "next" button).

Come to NYC -- I want to Breed you!

[wood]

I'm wondering if anyone can help me. I'm a black guy, committed barebacker, live to take dudes' cocks and make them cum from using my ass. Living in Seattle (and before this, on the east coast and in the midwest) though, I find that most guys aren't looking for other black guys to fuck, and I get passed over all. The. Time. I'd like to say it doesn't mess with my sense of self, but it's really hard to go out looking or go online looking and be rejected, ignored, or told I'm not desirable just because of the color of my skin. I find myself getting depressed and feeling isolated and unwanted.

I think I'm a good looking guy, late twenties, tall and lean with some muscle, a beautiful tight ass that dudes who do fuck me absolutely love. I see a lot of posts here about people fucking (mostly getting fucked by) black guys, and it seems like that same racial fetishization that imagines black men as something different/other than white men, that makes guys not want to fuck me, also makes black men attractive to guys who get off on being fucked by someone other than a white man.

As a black gay man, I want to be treated like any other human being (who's good at fucking). I don't want to be identified primarily or solely by the color of my skin. I don't want people to assume what I am good at or good for in sex because of the color of my skin. I want to be free to have many sexual experiences as a bottom, and not be welcomed into nor rejected from sexual spaces just BECAUSE I'm dark-skinned.

So, my question to my barebacking friends is, does anyone else feel this way (black, white, or whatever your "race" or ethnicity)? Does this make sense? What do you do when you feel this way? Most importantly, do you know of any places to go where race doesn't matter as much in gay sex? I was thinking of places where black men love to fuck other black men, where being black wouldn't count against me. But I don't know of any places like that. I was reading a post here by a man who had questions about a black bathhouse. Would love to find a space like that, or any space that doesn't make me feel ugly or less desirable than a white guy. Thanks for any advice or help you can give; I'm getting pretty desperate.

First off you dont sound ugly, I know I would probably hit you up in a second. lol. For me I am more attracted to black men than other races. For myself I dont consider this a fetish. A majority of my friends are also black, and I really enjoy many aspects of black culture. With that said for myself, beyond the actual attraction I don't see black men as anything different. Despite what so many profess there dicks still come in big and small like all other races and creeds, as well as tall, short, fat, thin, ugly, and beautiful. The fetishization thing bothers me a lot too. I've had guys say "ohh you want that big black dick", and its a huge turn off for me. This brings me to another point about dick size, etc. The stereotype portrayed by both black and non black people is that black men are fucking machines with big dicks who will always top you, and its just not true. This puts black bottoms at a disservice, because people of other races feel that they are just gonna fuck them with their BBC.

As for better places well it really depends. If you truly have no "type" in regards to race, ethnicity, body type, etc, NYC is gonna be your best bet. Its a melting pot, and while many people will still have preferences, people are more open there. Second would be Atlanta. However I only say Atlanta because of the large black population.

PM me if you want. My ex sounds just like you, and based on our experiences I may be able to help you a bit more.

[AgentColby]

People just have their preferences. They always will. There's a point to which what you're describing will always exist. BUT I think what you're asking for is a place where skin color isn't such a big deal.

I'm white and I live in the middle of Harlem. I constantly see black guys saying they only want to hookup with black or latino guys. The black community here has faced so much racism over the years that it has become racist in that they completely jump to conclusions about white folks. Just the other day a woman from our block tried to explain to my boyfriend how some of her best friends were gay, but yes, she thought nothing of using the word faggot. People are weird. People are often xenophobic.

The key to finding people who aren't xenophobic is to find a place where races mix. The problem with middle America or Harlem is that the communities are only of one race - that leads to xenophobia.

Despite communities like Harlem or East New York which historically have been black ghettos, in general there's a lot of mixing in New York - and that's true sexually too. The average white gay guy here in NYC is a lot more likely to have sex with a black guy than they would in Omaha. There's still plenty of racism, but IMHO, there's less than you'd find elsewhere.

As a GWM, you really can not even BEGIN to understand what it is like to be a GBM. Reality is that GBM are at the bottom of the pecking order. It's white, latino, some other light skin race, blacks, then asians. I can not begin to tell you, in my 15 years of being out (32 now), how many times I have been told "sorry, not into blacks". After a while, it takes a toll on your self esteem. Despite the fact that I am 32, in good shape, pretty good looking, educated, great career and overall a guy who has his shit together, that means NOTHING to majority of white guys. All they see is "he's black and I just do not do black guys". There is a reason why so many GBMs are not open to being with white guys. We have finally gotten the message we are not desired so guess what? We just find it is easier to stick to our kind. I am one of those guys. For years I really had a preference for white guys but after getting rejected so many times, I now primarily stick to other blacks or latino. It is much easier to deal with and I do not have to face the constant rejections.

I have come to realize that overall, a lot of American GWMs are just plain ignorant. Their resistance towards black men has little to do with lack of attraction but more to do with lack of knowledge. GWMs live in a white bubble with their white 'hoods, white friends, white everything that they really do not know anything about blacks. Their "lack of attraction" has a lot do with pure ignorance and preconceived notions of who and what black people are.

Do not believe me? How about this. Why is it when I go to Europe it is complete oppsite. I regularly travel to UK, Paris and just went to Germany and getting guys is not a problem. Race was almost a non-issue, esp. in London and Germany.

You are right that you are seeing more race mixing, me too, BUT it is NOT among gays. From my observation, I see a lot of intteracial couples (esp. in NY) among hetero. I rarely see black/white among gay men. Recently I have noticed a lot of white guy/black girl mix.

So to the original poster my only advice is to "keep it moving." The sooner you accept the fact that majority of WM aren't open to BM, the sooner you are better off. Once you start seeking out other brothas and latinos, you will find your sex life far less complex. The day I stopped chasing WM is the day my self esteem started to rise.

To the white guys who are into BM, stop approaching us with that mandigo crap. We are NOT turned on or impressed. It is ignorant and honestly offensive. We are human beings with feelings just like you and when you approach us with "compliments" like "I just love black cock" it is not impressing us. Trust me, you have no idea how many of us just want to smack the stupidity out of you.

[bberik]

I have the same question, but for asian guys. I have difficulty hooking up on that basis alone (and being poz hasn't exactly helped in the past 2 months either).

Bummer we're so far away from each other. I love Asians.

[TabulaRasa]

To the white guys who are into BM, stop approaching us with that mandigo crap. We are NOT turned on or impressed. It is ignorant and honestly offensive. We are human beings with feelings just like you and when you approach us with "compliments" like "I just love black cock" it is not impressing us. Trust me, you have no idea how many of us just want to smack the stupidity out of you.

Word, I can't stand that shit.

[rivertimber]

I saw the headline and a thought came to my mind. As one of your open profile pictures, have one of you taken in dress attire. A dress shirt and slacks. A tie. Maybe a sports or suit jacket (or not). It can be a headless shot. Basically a picture that shows you as (how can I say this without being rude) an educated and hard working individual. Unlike some of the stereotypes that some people may think of. Same can be true for the language that is used. I have seen some good looking white men, but they talk in their profile as though they are in the 'hood'.

For me, on the most part, I tend to like lighter skin men versus darker skin men. It is just a personal preference. Now if I ever do want to cross the line (and I have had thoughts) then the man's appierence, how he carry's himself, and how he talks definitely should not have the 'stereotypes'.