Hiv: I Don't Know What To Do

[bobson]

Hey

I'm a fairly active gay guy who is severely allergic to latex and have even had absurd reactions to non latex condoms. I bareback because of this and because it just feels better and means I don't have an itchy region for long periods of time.

I've probably fucked 100 guys, about 30 since I last tested negative. During one of these times my dick was covered in blood and I took PEP for 14 days. I never went for the test after. I've topped 90% of the time and taken a few loads in my ass and once I was raped.

I know I have a high chance of being HIV positive and I know if that's the case that I will no longer want to continue.

I don't know why I'm posting this, I just have no where else to write this. I'm terrified and it's all my own fault. Sorry guys,

[seaguy]

I usually just bite my tongue when i see a post like this but I couldn't tonight.  I have to state that I think suicide is selfish and cowardly act, but it is often due to mental health issues and for some reason people have a fear of getting help.  DONT BE AFRAID TO SEEK MENTAL HEALTH care people.  Anyway here is what I have to say:

 

HIV is not a death sentence so if you mean that by not wanting to continue that you would want to commit suicide I would encourage you to talk to someone at a suicide hotline or something.  Because you can live with HIV and have a good fulfilling life and continue to have sex, and some would say better sex.  So why would you want to end things?  It sure won't do any good to those you leave behind like your family.  You might think it is the way out but depending on your religious views you really don't know what things will be like one you end your life.  At least staying  alive and getting a test to confirm whether you have HIV or not then will give you two roads to go down one is if your poz one if not.  You have a clear idea or will what you willl encounter on either one of those roads.  But if you kill yourself do you really know what is gonna happen.  I can guarantee you that the friends and family you leave behind will be devastated and some even angry at you for taking your life.

 

 

I hope that maybe you meant no longer wanting to continue barebacking but somehow I think you were referring to living.

[bobson]

If I have HIV, I lose my entire career. I work in a country where if you have HIV you're deported and banned. I've been here for years. I have no family and friends in careers like this are superficial and there's a high turn over of people. I have no home to even be deported to. I would literally lose everything.

It's not selfish to remove yourself as a burden.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

You're worrying over something that MIGHT be.  Get tested, find out.  True, you might be poz, but then too, you might not be.

 

If you can get on PrEP, do so.

[VersatileBreeder]

Hey man sorry to hear you're worrying yourself so bad about this. First thing I'm going to say is you are worrying about something unknown right now. You aren't sure of your status and you need to get tested before putting anymore stress on yourself about this. You may very well be negative and if you are, all of this worrying is over nothing.

You mentioned you would be deported if you were found to have HIV. May I ask what country you live in? Reason I am curious is because as an avid traveler (who is positive), I have read up a lot about where I can travel to and where I may run into a problem. Thankfully most of the countries in the world allow HIV+ travelers in and the countries that do not are countries I probably wouldn't or couldn't have gone to anyway (like I'm gonna go vacation in Iraq...). To my knowledge, there are 31 countries in the world (mostly in the Middle East and Asia) that deport foreigners or bar entry to HIV+ travelers. But I have never heard of a country deporting its own citizens if they are discovered to have HIV. In fact, that would make no sense at all for a government to implement that because it would drive fear so deep into people about getting tested that nobody would do it, nobody would get treated and then it would spread like wildfire. So I'm just curious about where you are from and what source you got that information from.

On my next point, I can say that becoming poz (should you walk down that road), is not the end of the world. I thought it was 7 months ago when I found out, but I've come a long way in realizing my life is far from over. HIV nothing worth killing yourself over, I've even been down that path. Sure the stigma sucks, but the meds are great and will only get better. Also, we very possibly, even probably, will see a cure in our lifetime. So that's just some food for thought IN CASE that's the road you go down.

Hope all works out. Relax and take a deep breath. Everything will be fine regardless of what happens.

[TigerMilner]

Sounds to me like when things settle down for you your next move should be to move.  Your post reads like you have an underlying unhappiness that is unrelated to HIV or sexuality.  And I don't blame you.  Get the hell out and get on with a life worth living.  It's your life.  Live it your way.

[wood]

Hey

I'm a fairly active gay guy who is severely allergic to latex and have even had absurd reactions to non latex condoms. I bareback because of this and because it just feels better and means I don't have an itchy region for long periods of time.

I've probably fucked 100 guys, about 30 since I last tested negative. During one of these times my dick was covered in blood and I took PEP for 14 days. I never went for the test after. I've topped 90% of the time and taken a few loads in my ass and once I was raped.

I know I have a high chance of being HIV positive and I know if that's the case that I will no longer want to continue.

I don't know why I'm posting this, I just have no where else to write this. I'm terrified and it's all my own fault. Sorry guys,

 

Sorry, but you are your own worst enemy right now.  

 

Additionally You say you have a "high chance" you are HIV+ but you have no real idea about that.  Additionally if you are 90% top, and your bottoming is distributed evenly throughout your 100 people, IE for every 10 people you had sex with i was you bottoming, your risk isnt nearly as high as you think. What that.  Topping 30 guys and bottoming for three of those is a decent amount of guys, but as for risk of HIV, its not nearly as high as your think.  

 

It seems like you should be in one of these countries, 

 

http://www.hivtravel.org/Default.aspx?PageId=143&Mode=list&StateId=2

 

If so I would just suggest you go to another country and get a test, or see if you can get a oraquick test into your country.  Knowing is MUCH better than not knowing, and once you know you can make plans for the future.  If you are HIV+ you can start to try and make plans to move to a place that in better for you.  

 

You have great english, with a western articulation, so I have a feeling you are an expat somewhere.  Get a test done, and move on with your life nomatter what the result.  But until you know your status, you are going to be afraid and no able to move on with your life.