Romantic Relationship

[tallslenderguy]

I'm a little surprised at myself for writing this, but was inspired by another post on relationship and the responses it got, so here goes.

 

I was married at an early age and stayed married for 31 years, even though I'm gay... grew up in a very religious culture. When I finally processed through that, divorced and came out, I tried dating and finding a relationship. My experiences were almost comical. I often was the one making the effort, sometimes driving a few hundred miles to meet someone. More than half the time the guys had mis-represented themselves, usually by lying about their age or their looks.

 

After getting burned so many times I didn't really give up, but I did stop putting much effort into finding a romantic relationship.  Sex is pretty easy to get... and I wonder if that isn't part of the challenge in the gay community? And I have less shot at finding romance on a hook up site, so I find myself just hooking up vs having a relationship.  I'm not saying that's bad, I know from experience that relationship is hard work, there's trade off.

 

I have a pretty happy sex life, but no romance and I do miss that sometimes. From what I have read here, sex is easier because most of us will pretty much take any cock that has a load in it, but that all changes when it comes to romance. I like to kiss, but can count on one hand the number of times I have kissed a guy (i can't begin to count the number of cocks I've had lol). So looks matter when it comes to romance. Add to that personality and intellect and it all becomes much more of a challenge, so I end up just having sex. 

 

I still have romantic dreams though (literally), and realize that it's something I want even though I don't hold out much hope for it because there is so much more involved that has to match up for romance to happen. 

 

So what about you guys? Do you just look for sex or do you look for relationship?  And maybe even the ultimate relationship with romance?  

[einathens]

trying to find romance online is like trying to find a backbrace in the international male catalogue.

 

you live in a town of 50,000+ people. stop looking online and look around you. let friends know you're seeking something casual and ongoing. volunteer. join groups doing things that interest you.

[Pell]

I still believe in Romance.    But barebacking sites aren't the place I'd look for it specifically.  I also love kissing. 

 

Maybe a rubber dog site for masters.  But still romance needs a different kind of site.

[tallslenderguy]

Maybe i need to better qualify that I know that hook up sites are not a good place to find romance or relationship lol. I was never looking for romance on a hook up site, but I did try dating sites for that purpose as well as connecting in the non virtual world.

 

I'm not looking for dating advice but was wondering about others experiences and curious about how many others find themselves just going for sex vs relationship or relationship with romance, and how others feel and think about that. 

[NLbear]

I am not sure. I think I am a romantic guy (I love romcoms) but I am not sure if I am the type for romance. I have been in a relationship only once and we parted ways after five years when I was 32. When we started living together he wanted me to stop working and stay at home to take care of the house. My career just started and was developing. So what's to take care of the house for? We had a cleaner. Plus I wanted to be independant financially and work. Our sex life was not really exciting. After one year of living together I realized this wasn't going anywhere. I have been single ever since. I left with nothing as all the stuff in the house was his (he had a lot more money than I had, being a doctor and I disposed of all the stuff I had as a student). I promised myself this would never happen to me again.

 

Found a new place to live and started all over. But I liked being to able to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. On the other hand I missed a buddy, companion, soulmate.

 

After 22 years of being single and even liking being alone I again sometimes miss that partner but I wonder if I will even get used to having someone around me all the time? After being used to living alone for so long, can I still compromise?

 

I am not sure I am great marriage material anymore. I am not sure I want to have someone in the house I need to consider, I am not sure I am capable of loving someone you want to share the rest of your life with. Basically I am not sure of anything. I just live my live as it is.

 

It would be great to find someone who shares the same views or insecurities, but I am not counting on it anymore.

[cam1972]

I'm not good at hook ups. I do them, but most times feel more lonely after the sex than I did before. I've looked for relationships in the past. But.... After too many flakes and disappointments, I am not necessarily looking for it. Because I'm having serious doubts that anyone truly wants it. I've heard too many times "I don't want just sex. I want a relationship" but they always stick around long enough to get sex out of me then disappear. I am kind of along the same lines of NLbear.. Not sure I'm relationship material anymore. But for a different reason. I think I'm too jaded. But I'd sure as hell love to give it a try again. But... I'm not looking for the next relationship. If I am looking at all... It's for THE relationship. The ultimate. Romance and all.

Edited July 20, 2015 by cam1972

[bbzh]

I was in a relationship that lasted 3 years but ended earlier this year. I learned so much about myself and even more importantly, I learned what is a dealbreaker for me. He can't be an alcoholic, he must respect me and he must take care of himself financially.  Lest you think I was with some sort of jerk, I was not. He had issues. We all do. Even though we didn't make it, I would do it all again, because I believe that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  

 

We were in an open relationship, but I don't think I would go that route again, at least not at the beginning. For open relationships to work, they need just as many rules and boundaries as monogamous ones do. The reason why I would opt for a closed relationship is because I don't think you can be on the chat lines looking for anonymous sex and really invest in a relationship. I didn't live with my ex and I had plenty of sex on the side (and he did too) but I think that was just our way of not fully investing in each other. Sooner or later, that will become an issue. 

 

What I decided after the relationship ended was that I am better off being alone than to be with someone who is not willing to compromise, who is financially irresponsible, who does not share at least some of the same goals and who I do not trust. A friend of mine who has been married for many years recently told me that she believes no relationship can last without love, respect and trust. I totally agree. And a relationship that is not strong will be tested after the honeymoon phase is over (usually about two years). At that point, the stuff you thought was once cute just annoys the shit out of you.

 

I invited my ex over this past weekend after 4 months of not seeing him. It was a little awkward at times but it was really nice to see him. I have no wish to be in a relationship with him again, even though I think we could be friends. He is a very attractive guy, but I had no sexual feelings for him this past weekend. Why? Because I can see past the exterior now. I know that deep inside my soul he came into my life for a reason. And I'm a firm believer that some people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

 

And probably my other key takeaway is that love is not a feeling. It is an act. It is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. It's a decision, a judgment and a promise.

[tallslenderguy]

Thank you guys for your considered and open responses. 

 

NLbear, I know I am romantic, but not sure that's enough to sustain a relationship for me. Like yourself, I'm pretty used to being alone now and not sure I want to pay the price trying to fit another persons ways into my life (and vice versa). I have come to believe that friendship is highly under rated, I think friends can provide a lot of the emotional stuff that a lover can, though that seems to leave out the romance part. I was married to a woman for 31 years and probably still would be if she could accept my being gay. It's weird, but I still love my former wife, but she was the only woman Ive ever been with and I don't see myself with another woman. There was a lot of pain in our relationship caused by both of us, I sure don't want that again. I know several people in mixed orientation marriages that are open. My former wife was not open to the idea, so we parted company 7 years ago and I've gotten very used to being on my own. I like not having the concern of hurting someone hanging over my head just because of who I am.

I look younger than I am and work at keeping slender, so I often attract younger guys. One of my concerns is what you talk about in wanting to be independent. I really appreciate that. I was in a very traditional religious marriage and ended up feeling very used. I worked my ass off to build a very decent estate (property worth 3/4 of a million) and my former wife ended up with all of it when we divorced. She had physical issues and I'd always taken care of her financially, so the courts reasoned I should take care of her the rest of her life, so she opted for the estate vs. lifetime alimony. I don't want to be in a relationship where someone wants me to support them financially, not because I mind giving but because it hurts me to be used in that way. Kind of interesting because I am pretty sub sexually, but as some of us discussed on another thread, my sub side isn't about being a slave (though I know that appeals to some guys), but more about the dom controlling things sexually. 

 

cam1972, I understand the empty feeling of a hook up, but confess. Where I experience that is with, sort of ironically, regular fuck buddies. My hook ups are pretty damned refined and I wonder if that refining hasn't developed as a way of coping with being alone for me?  I almost always do anonymous walk in fuck and go sex (i.e., Im the bottom waiting naked and face down to fuck), so I never even see the guys Im with. Inevitably though, regular FB's happen and a sort of bond starts to develop. I have one FB now who has been a regular for about 7 months. His way is really almost affectionate and lately I've had to bite my tongue from saying "I love you" lol. He sometimes kisses my neck and damn if I don't want flip over and connect with his lips. Sigh, lol.  Thing is he is about half my age and I have a hard time imagining a relationship between us for a whole list of reasons, several of them borne out of insecurity. I usually have a hard time imagining being able to give up the quantity that single sex can afford, but I can almost imagine a guy like this being enough for me sexually. That may be mostly imagination though, not sure how reality would play out.

 

bbzh, When I think about it, sometimes an open relationship makes a lot of sense to me. One of the things I like about being gay is we don't have to follow tradition, were able to question the status quo. Which is not to say I think reinventing the wheel is necessarily a good idea. I see benefits to an open relationship as well as monogamy. There's down sides to both as well. I know I can compromise, damn, I was married to a woman for most of my life as a gay guy lol. I think you and your friend are spot on about the need for "mutual trust, respect and love."  Everyone wants those things, but finding it mutually can be a challenge. I think that's part of maturity, but I find a lot of people are afraid to give for fear of being taken advantage of, so they hold back and end up getting a similar response... ends up being kind of self perpetuating it seems. 

[cam1972]

I, personally, would never do an open relationship. This is in no way a judgment. Rather based on what I've seen and heard. When I was diagnosed with HIV, I went to a therapist who worked primarily with gay people. She is a lesbian. She told me that in the 25 years (this was in 2007), she had been a therapist, she had counceled countless couples. In those 25 years, not one relationship that was open had survived. No matter whenever the open relationship status occurred. Whether they had been together 0 months when they started an open relationship or 25 years when they started. A friend of mine and his partner of 35 years started an open relationship 5 years ago. I told him then what she had told me. He told me that he and his partner had been together since high school and would never fall out of love. I watched them drift apart over the last five years til this past January my friend told me the relationship was over because a hook up for his partner had become something more. I'm not saying there haven't been successful open relationships ever. But I don't like those odds. It's already tough for a relationship to survive. Why add another element to make it more difficult? For me, I would rather stay single if I wanted multiple partners or more sex than a relationship may afford than to risk the man I love for some meaningless sex. As I said, I want my next relationship to be THE relationship. None is perfect. It takes work and compromise. But I'm willing to give that. 100%. But it will have to be a very special man. I won't settle.

Oh... And for that fuck bud scenario..... I've struggled with that too. Biting my tongue. Lol I hear ya.

Edited July 20, 2015 by cam1972

[Bottomhole]

I never considered myself romantic or looking for love. Esp around last year when I was diagnosed HIV positive. So I thought I'd be destined to just have casual sex with random strangers, at best a few fuck buddies. I've now been in a relationship for about 6-7 months and I really do feel in love. I met this guy from recon for a sex session and afterwards he invited me to sleep over. We ended up watching horror movies and realised we had a bit in common. I guess when it happens it happens. I wouldn't rule out hook-up sites but it might be worth while looking in other places too, or simply stop looking(as my bf did right before he met me)

[drscorpio]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for almost 7. We met on gay.com when it was a hot hookup site (it's a totally different site now). He hit me up because me profile said I took loads. We just chatted for a couple of days because we lived 2 hours apart. The first Saturday after we talked, I went to his place for a hookup, and we have been together ever since.

 

We were monogamous for 6 years. About a year after he relocated and we bought a new house, we opened up the relationship. I wanted to take loads from other men, and he wanted to watch me do it then fuck their cum into me afterwards. So far it hasn't caused us a problem in our relationship. 

 

I know couples in open relationships (straight and gay) who have been together longer than us. As Dan Savage says, you won't know your relationship lasted until you end up at a funeral parlor. 

[cam1972]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for almost 7. We met on gay.com when it was a hot hookup site (it's a totally different site now). He hit me up because me profile said I took loads. We just chatted for a couple of days because we lived 2 hours apart. The first Saturday after we talked, I went to his place for a hookup, and we have been together ever since.

 

We were monogamous for 6 years. About a year after he relocated and we bought a new house, we opened up the relationship. I wanted to take loads from other men, and he wanted to watch me do it then fuck their cum into me afterwards. So far it hasn't caused us a problem in our relationship. 

 

I know couples in open relationships (straight and gay) who have been together longer than us. As Dan Savage says, you won't know your relationship lasted until you end up at a funeral parlor. 

 

This is why I said "I'm not saying there haven't been successful open relationships ever." I'm just saying for myself, I don't think I could do it. .Congrats on your relationship and marriage. He's a lucky man.

Edited July 21, 2015 by cam1972

[Ddawg]

I think that societally, we're getting dysfunctional in building relationships- extended adolescence, college until you're 40... People are afraid of relationships and divorce, the majority of Americans are single.

People mistake infatuation for love- I've been verbally slapped by friends who rush into things when I tell them to slow down, make sure it is love...

With the heteronormative of girl -> emotion -> sex -> relationship v. guy sex -> emotion -> relationship not being a functional mechanism (growth and compromise) it's hard for gay relationships to work under the typical assumptions.

Who asks whom out? The top asks the bottom? Etc etc.

I've tried barhopping, online, it's all the same. I wish I had answers more than these observations.

All I want is an interdependent relationship- we both chose to serve, love and respect each other. Until then- bring me loads.

[drscorpio]

This is why I said "I'm not saying there haven't been successful open relationships ever." I'm just saying for myself, I don't think I could do it. .Congrats on your relationship and marriage. He's a lucky man.

Thanks

 

I wasn't meaning to come off as defensive. I just meant there is no way to know if a relationship will last until it does. Although I admit sometimes you do know when one is not going to last much longer

[TigerMilner]

I do feel like I have fallen into a pattern of settling for random hookups and crazy sex parties in an effort to meet my needs. Obviously, it doesn't meet all of them. I do sometimes wish I had someone special in my life. I've had three relationships in my life and all three ended badly, tragically even, and sometimes I think I am just too afraid of getting that deeply involved with someone again. I used my kids as my excuse for not letting a man in my life for a long time but now that they are grown, I'm rethinking it again. My fear of growing old alone is starting to outweigh my fear of falling in love. I do miss romance. I like being wooed.