I Am Scared...

[aznvan]

Hi,

Okay, I fucked up, I am not ready for this. I had a potential recent exposure and am worried...

Timeline:
Sept 2 - hooked up, met this guy on A4A who said "HIV negative, safe sex only" visiting from out of town. Was going to be just oral sex but ended up being receptive anal sex (me as a bottom) with ejaculation (no condom) (Trust me, I regret this so much now). I asked his HIV status before and after. He insisted he is negative and tested in July.

Sept 4 - Asked again by messaging. He says he is HIV negative and STD free. I've been on PEP once before so I decided not to be mean to my liver and didn't get it this time.

Sept 14 morning - felt a sore throat, low grade fever, swollen lymph nodes in neck (I know, this is meaningless).

Sept 14 evening - went for testing. POC ELISA negative as expected. Blood drawn for P24 DUO and pNAAT.

Right now - waiting to hear back results but just dying. Did some digging and found a guy with similar stats and photo on another dating site, living in the same neighbourhood, and it says "I just contracted HIV (is undetectable)".
 

I am so obsessed while waiting for my results that I can't focus...any insights? I've already beaten myself up over it but if you are going to say "you are stupid"...I guess go ahead...

 

Thanks guys...

[fillmyholeftl]

Take a DEEP BREATH !  Now, first off your symptoms are a little early for sero-conversion.  But more importantly, worrying yourself sick is doing nothing for you. It's done, whatever the outcome you will deal with it and LEARN from it.

[aznvan]

Thanks, definitely learning from this one...I don't know why I easily trusted this guy.
I am trying to preoccupy myself with work...obviously I am not working hard enough...

[tboyer]

Thanks, definitely learning from this one...I don't know why I easily trusted this guy.

I am trying to preoccupy myself with work...obviously I am not working hard enough...

You seem so worried, and stressed out that you might consider prep, Sex is of course meant to be very powerful, that's why the human race is still around. I think that there's a good chance that you will make a "mistake" in the future, not because you are a bad person or lack self discipline, but because on how powerful sex is.

 

Being so stressed out isn't good for you, and if for some reason you do become poz, it is far from being that bad of a thing. Because I can't take one of the drugs in prep, I would just get pozzed up if I wasn't already poz

[cman54]

I like tboyet`s advice. Get out there and let it happen!!

[whorepig]

It's difficult to know what the person must feel like, some of us have already been there and the stages you are going through are human, you are a human, you will get through this most of us do, just depends on how we handle it

[hungry_hole]

One thing you shouldn't be doing is bothering the top who bred your hole. It's done and nothing he says will change anything. You have to admit that you are the only one who bares any responsibility for anxiety that you are going through. It's happened to you before so it will probably happen to you again.

 

A test result in a few months will be the only thing that will put you at ease, unless you are exposed again.

[topstud127]

Unless your blood work said your liver was troubled or you can't afford it monthly, go back on your Truvada. I don't miss this worrying and paranoia one bit. Anytime I made a poor decision and had a cough or felt warm or a lymph node felt swollen, I'd freak out. The other side of the pill is so much easier.

[defendr21]

Any updates on your results? 

[PhoenixGeoff]

One thing that might help here is to consider the worst case scenario.

 

Suppose you have an HIV test that does come back positive?  What then?

 

HIV is not a death sentence any more.  I, personally, have been living a healthy life, with no symptoms and no loss of quality of life now for 13 years.  Many other men have been doing the same for far longer.

 

HIV is not the Mark of Cain any more.  Back in the bad old days, men with HIV faced a lot of discrimination.  But as times have moved on, and gay men have become better educated about what is an isn't risky, and as HIV+ guys have been seen to be living good, healthy and normal lives, that discrimination has faded considerably (mostly, I find it among the "straight" and bi guys).

 

HIV has never been a moral judgment.  God did not give me HIV to punish me for my sins.  HIV is a virus, no more, no less.  And just as I take antibiotics if I happen to get strep throat, so too do I take HIV meds to control that infection. 

 

I look at my life now, thirteen years since my diagnosis, and I have a job I like, lots of friends I enjoy spending time with, lots of activities and hobbies I enjoy, lots to sex even if I want it, a full and thoroughly happy life, which I am enormously grateful for.  HIV has done nothing at all to diminish me in any of those ways.

 

There are sensible things you can and should do to help prevent infection.  You forgot to do one of those things once.  It's OK.  You're human.  Nobody's perfect.  And chances are, nothing will come of it.  And even if something does come of it, you'll still be fine. 

[aznvan]

Thank you all...sorry for the lack of reply until now.

I tested negative 6 weeks out, then work got really busy so stopped thinking about it.

 

I have stuck to oral sex now, have 2 regular partners. Last week though I blew a guy I met online who lied to me about his status (and I had a healing cut in the mouth at the time), but he claims he is undetectable.

 

Like many of you said I am gonna try to stop worrying about it this time. Whatever happens happens. I am more upset that this guy lied in the first place.

 

Thanks all of you for the kind words!

Edited December 20, 2015 by poppyseeds

[BillyBareback]

If you don't want to be lied to, best to quit asking. I never ask, and I only believe volunteered information if the guy says he's poz. i've never worried about getting pozzed. If it happens, so be it.  And if I get pozzed it won't be due to a bad decision. It will be because after weighing the pros and cons, I decided to continue being a raw bottom slut. For me, its the best choice, but for others maybe not. But if you've done random, raw sex twice, you're not likely to stop. Relax, and enjoy the sex. HIV isn't the end of life.  Hell, it's not even the end of your sex life.