Tested Poz

[tallslenderguy]

I found out I'm poz a week ago and it's still kinda new to me. I'm not in a cold panic, which is sort of weird to me, am wondering if I will have a delayed response... but it's been about 10 days now. I found out my CD4 yesterday (340), but the lab didn't run a VL. I found out after dragging myself in for routine testing... well, more honestly, I have been talking to a guy from OKC who I like and who seems to like me and for the first time in a long time have been hopeful about a relationship, so I really got tested because of him. I told him and he hasn't rejected me over it. He's the only person who knows other than my Primary Care Provider (PCP).

 

I'm fairly new to this area, so my PCP is someone I found on the internet and just met. She's a physicians assistant and has been totally cool about this and will be referring me to a specialist. I'm pretty used to being alone, coping alone. I come from a religious background and was married (to a woman) most of my life, when I accepted myself as gay, I lost my family and friends because they were all a part of the religious culture, but the truth is I was alone when I had them.  So having friends who know and accept me for who I am is new to me.

 

I came out to lots of people about 10 years ago with mixed results, lots of rejection. I moved, started a new life and found acceptance. Lost my very lucrative livelihood during the economic downturn of 08, went to school and remade myself (got a BSN), but part of that process has involved moving a few times, so I have to keep starting over with making friends. I'm in a new place, but can finally settle down, just bought a house, so at least I can make some more permanent friends.  

 

HIV isn't something I will disclose to just anyone. I can't. I've just been to conditioned by rejection to just be wide open about it. No one at work even knows I am gay. Not because I'm closeted, but it just doesn't come up. Not sure what to do now. I'm a critical care nurse in a hospital. I'm looking at getting a specialist 40 miles away in another city because I don't want everyone at work to know I'm poz, I just do not want to face the rejection... even though I know most would likely be cool, there's always that element. 

 

Sorry for the ramble guys, but this place has been a refuge for me the last several years and a safe place for me to disclose myself. Your the second people to know.

 

It's been comforting to read through some of the posts here. Reassuring. Even though I'm an educated health care professional and I know HIV is not the death sentence it once was, there's still the emotional and social side of it that I'm gonna have to deal with. 

 

Thanks for listening.

[breedbaltimore]

I know when I first found out I was poz, I was able to join a support group through the local GLBT center.  maybe you can find one near you to go to.  it can help to have folks in the same area going through the same thing to talk with.  Talking on here is good, but sounds like you should have some IRL connections.

 

Good luck with everything and I hope you have  along and healthy life.

[whorepig]

I admire your courage, it takes a strong person to rise above rejection from his family, not sure I would be where I am today if it were not for the support of my family.  You have made a wonderful life for yourself and the best part is that you finally have accepted you for who and what you are.

 

If your unsure about how to proceed with your situation I would see out a profession perhaps your PCP can advise you who to speak with.  This sort of thing is never easy but I can tell you have the inner strength to keep moving forward regardless of how difficult it might be.  I wish you well with your new friend.

[mspButtMunch]

When I found out, I told a couple of my straight friends and they were totally cool with it and very supportive.  I guess what surprised me the most was that the 'general gay' population seems more freaked out and uninformed about HIV than the general populous.  Go figure.  I always remember what my Doc said.. You're gonna die someday, but it won't be from HIV.  There's lots of support out there and it can be daunting finding one or that one individual you feel comfortable with but keep the faith and seek those out if you feel you need them.  When you're ready, there are plenty of meds available and my Doc gave me a choice of 3 and told me to pick one.  I took a couple of weeks to research them and decided on Stribild.  It's been 3 years since I found out and I'm doing just fine and you will too !

[snaketat]

no doubt, hearing that you are poz is a stark reality.  even for us who chase(d), it is still (or was for me) a bit chilling to realize what was done and could not be undone.  Still, there are lots of good support options.   I have made many on-line friends with HIV+ status and that has been helpful.   Locally, the clinic I go to has some support, but it is a bit "preachy" (maybe that is to be expected).  Still search out others in you condition and share with them....I am confident you will find some support and possible some guidance.  As others have noted this is not death (unless you don't take care of your self) but it is serious.   Perhaps the rejection/stigma/discrimination may be worse than the disease.   Only by seeking out those who really understand will you find what you need.

[tallslenderguy]

Thank you guys for taking the time to read and reply, for your kind and encouraging words. I know it's a good idea to seek out face time with others who are poz and have gone before me, there's a lot to be said about experience. I went to my PCP today and she gave me a list of support groups, I'll be looking into that. I have 2 referrals to HIV specialists, one local , the other about 40 miles away.  Now I'm in the waiting mode to get an appointment and get meds started. 

[skyguyy]

Great that you are reaching out and thinking about things....I had the same issues when I first tested POZ 3 years ago at 50 years old.  Message me if you have any questions...I can answer some questions or just be here for you.  Message me and I'll give you my email address.

[rednyellow]

New myself. I don't know any levels yet and I'm away from home on a job site for another month or two. I will meet with hiv dr. when I get home from this job. Now just waiting and wondering. 

[barehole4use]

I found it a total relief - now i can get fucked by & with whoever i want whenever i want.

[Locomotion]

thank you for posting your thoughts on testing positive.  i have tested on a regular basis for many years.  my very careful sex habits meant that the tests each had an expected outcome of negative.  only once or twice in the past 25 years of testing have I ever had even the slightest doubt of the results.  it was more of a feel good exercise than any needed effort to find out my status.

 

now that i have had three exposures during unprotected sex with positive guys, I know that has all changed.  while i have no way of knowing if either of these first two guys actually infected me (yet) i know the risk and understand that the next test could be positive for me as well.  at this point i feel as if i will continue to risk exposure and know that with each new guy and each additional orgasm, my chance for a negative test diminishes.   a very different way of thinking for me.

[tallslenderguy]

Hey Locomotion,

I'm curious why, after a lifetime of being careful you would now choose to expose yourself? After exchanging emails with a nice guy on this site I had actually resolved to go on prep this test, a little ironic. It makes more sense to me to be on prep than HIV meds. Unless you've done a 180 and want to be poz?

[Locomotion]

Hey Locomotion,

I'm curious why, after a lifetime of being careful you would now choose to expose yourself? After exchanging emails with a nice guy on this site I had actually resolved to go on prep this test, a little ironic. It makes more sense to me to be on prep than HIV meds. Unless you've done a 180 and want to be poz?

Thanks for the question.   The answer is maybe a bit more complicated than expected.  However, I will make sure I put a response together and get it posted and let you know when I have it on line.  Your comments and points are valid and I appreciate the fact that you would post them.  Still, as I said, this is quite complicated and includes elements well beyond just having bareback sex and even beyond getting exposed to the virus.

[hungry_hole]

I found it a total relief - now i can get fucked by & with whoever i want whenever i want.

Why didn't you just allow yourself to get fucked by & with whoever you want whenever you want. Why did you have to wait until you were poz to be a slut?

[tallslenderguy]

Hey guys. just wanted to post a progress report for anyone following this thread.

 

I just got my VL number, 85,020, am going to have to read up on what that means (my CD4 was 343).  I also got an appointment to see a specialist for the 25th of this month (today is 2/5/16). That was my first time telling a healthcare minion that I'm poz. The person calling to set an appointment (from my PCP referral) told me that was the earliest appointment available, so I told her that I'm HIV+ and she pretty much said that doesn't change anything... so, apparently having HIV+ isn't considered emergent in the infectious disease world. If I had an opportunistic infection, I'd likely get in sooner, but since I am healthy, guess this is the way it works. 

 

Am completely ready to get on meds and am kicking myself (just a little) for not testing sooner. For me it was a question of fear. I knew it was irrational (hey, of course it was, it was "Fear"), but always had to talk myself into testing. It had been about 26 months since my last test this time around, but previously had generally tested annually. Really, should have been more proactive and looked at Prep more closely, but again there was an irrational side to me that was always afraid of facing the test. The truth is I've been really lucky and pretty much dodged the bullet for 30 years.

I'm grateful this disease can be managed now, I'll post and add my info to the pot as I go along, hopefully contribute worthwhile info for others. 

[tallslenderguy]

Just went online and looked at my actual viral load test and it wasn't 85,020 but 8520 QN PCR copies per mL. I'm going to have to research what this means, but it seems pretty low to me? Like maybe we caught the infection at the beginning stage? IDK.