Sexually incompatible relationships

[Guest Upstateguy518]

I get a lot of shit from friends and family about being single but I'd rather be able to fuck around and do w/e I want than having to constantly deal with someone tying me down. Not that I would object to it if I found a person I genuinely wanna be with, That's different. I'm not gonna date someone just to date and fulfil the pathetic need people have of not being alone even if their respective other makes them unhappy. If I am gonna date someone, It's because I have a connection with them and they make me happy. And clicking with someone sexually is an absolute must. Not to say that a sex life is the only thing that matters but it is such an important aspect of a relationship. Even if I like the person, I more than likely wouldn't be with them if we didn't click sexually.

[tallslenderguy]

3 minutes ago, Upstateguy518 said:

I get a lot of shit from friends and family about being single but I'd rather be able to fuck around and do w/e I want than having to constantly deal with someone tying me down. Not that I would object to it if I found a person I genuinely wanna be with, That's different. I'm not gonna date someone just to date and fulfil the pathetic need people have of not being alone even if their respective other makes them unhappy. If I am gonna date someone, It's because I have a connection with them and they make me happy. And clicking with someone sexually is an absolute must. Not to say that a sex life is the only thing that matters but it is such an important aspect of a relationship. Even if I like the person, I more than likely wouldn't be with them if we didn't click sexually.

I get this. It's hard for me to imagine an romantic tangle that does not include sex, butt then, i love the idea of being woken up in the middle of the night by a cock sliding into my hole or pushing against my lips lol. I think i'd feel frustrated without the sex part, so it's hard for me to imagine being in a sexually incompatible relationship.

[Guest Upstateguy518]

3 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

I get this. It's hard for me to imagine an romantic tangle that does not include sex, butt then, i love the idea of being woken up in the middle of the night by a cock sliding into my hole or pushing against my lips lol. I think i'd feel frustrated without the sex part, so it's hard for me to imagine being in a sexually incompatible relationship.

It's always been a must for me. Sex goes along with the romance, the passion. It also shows that that person understands every part of you by giving you what you want or need sexually. 

[NLbear]

I get what both of you are saying. Believe me, I rather be with a partner with whom I "click" with on every level, including sex. And I agree that sex is an important part of a relationship. But those (the total package) seem hard to find and it's not everything. At this point in my life I think I'd rather be with a soulmate without the sex (and both get that somewhere else) than be with someone who satisfies every single sexual need I may have but get into arguments and feel annoyed about (and him about me) because we don't click on other levels. Irritation is a killer.

Maybe I feel this way because I'm older now and I have been a slut since I was 17? I have been whoring around for so many years that maybe I am looking for something more at home if I wouldn't be single? And if that means having a partner who I can have everything with I want/need, except sex, I would be more inclined to accept that? Sex is great and I'm addicted to it, I readily admit that. But sex can be found somewhere else.  And also there you need to be on the same level. I have been in only in one relationship, when I was 27. My ex-bf had it all: goodlooking, rich (well, a lot richer than me, I just graduated and just started my first job), great job, well connected socially, and a big 9" dick. I ignored the fact that he could be obnoxious and look down on people who weren't on the same social level. Thought that would change or didn't even recognise that at the time. Only realised after I moved in and were living together that it irrtated the hell out of me. Among other things I hadn't noticed before, e.g. domestic stuff, certain views I didn't realised he had). And he turned into a cold fish in bed with a sex drive way below mine. From then on it only lasted a year before we broke up. I had given up everything when I moved in and had to start from scratch when it was over. Had cold feet getting involved with someone ever since. This experience probably has probably ruined me for a long time when it comes to relationships. It was a mistake from the beginning but you only realise that later. 

So, having a relationship with a sexually incompatible but loving partner and soulmate and having fuckbuddies on the side for sex doesn't seem like a bad idea to me even though the total package is to be preferred. 

As for the "shopping list" (although I know you didn't mean it that way tallslenderguy) I thought about that. Still have to be attracted to him physically (face, body) even though we do not connect sexually. Comfortable together (even though you may not belong to the same social circles). Be on a similar level intellectually, views on life, similar interests, leave each other free to do things on your own (don't smother each other), be independent, be best buddies. Maybe too much to ask...?

[bbzh]

Let's face it. Most gays shop for a mate based on looks and sexual compatibility. Looks fade and, after you've been in a relationship for a while, sex is oftentimes no longer exciting or what's keeping you together. What holds you together then? It's probably the fact that you've grown to love the person you're with (flaws and all). Most of us never get to that point because we are too focused on what he must look like, sex, what he must have and what friends and families will think etc. It's no wonder most relationships fail - we put entirely too much pressure on them to be perfect. And on top of that, we expect our potential mates to accept us the way we are, while we are constantly telling them what they must do to keep us happy. 

I think men of a certain age should look for companionship first. Find people who have similar interests and invest time in getting to know them. If someone has to be your idea of a sexual god before you will even allow them to speak to you, then guess what? You're probably going to be alone. That doesn't mean you have to date an ogre, but let's be truthful here. If what you wanted was easy to have, you'd probably have it, right? And I do believe if you present only the sexual side of yourself to the world, then that's all people will focus on. Your worth to them will only be based on if they find you sexually attractive. Understand that if you really do decide to invest in getting to know people, you are not going to hit the jackpot the first few times you play the love lottery. And by the way, there is nothing wrong with having a "list" of your deal breakers. If that list is too long (more than four or five things), then you probably need to take a long look at why it's so long. We make life so complicated sometimes. 

I've stopped trying to get people interested in me. You either are or you aren't.

And I've starting loving the people who love me back.

[NLbear]

Good points @bbzh

[ErosWired]

The reason open relationships are tricky is because science gets involved. NSA may mean 'no strings attached', but it doesn't mean 'no science associated'. The physical act of sexual intercourse, whether it's between men or between heterosexuals, automatically causes a series of physical changes in the body and the brain, perhaps the most pronounced of which is the release of oxytocin by the limbic system. Oxytocin, the king of all feel-good hormones, is responsible for forming an emotional/empathetic bond between two people having sex.

No wonder we cumdump bottoms are insatiable - all that oxytocin! But there's a downside (isn't there always?) in that in the case of the open relationship, those NSA bonds get more or less immediately broken - at least, that's the theory. But your partner knows about the bonding, see, because it happens when he plays, too. He knows that the guy you shagged on the coffee table last night (he can tell by the print of your ass cheeks on the glass) didn't just fuck you, you keep going on about how he bred you - which is bad enough - but worse than that, he knows the guy bonded with you, and that's a threat to your bond with him. Even though yours is a different kind of bond. It's an animal thing.

Jealously can be just as involuntary as the bonding.

I was married to a woman for 17 years before she decided she needed something else. Since then, I haven't really searched for a relationship, mostly for fear of dragging someone with a heart into a bond that would be unsatisfying. I have only encountered one man whom I could have considered a partner had our ages, and our interests, been a little closer, and we bonded - dear God, we bonded. But in the end I always knew I wasn't what he either was looking for or needed, even though he cared about me, and I pushed him on to better things. Will I seek out another relationship? No - I've always known that it would take a very unusual person, man or woman, to cruise alongside me, and I haven't met that person yet. If I do, who knows - maybe we'll bond.

[theplayerking]

I'm in my early 40s and just started a relationship for the first time in my life. He checks every box I had for a boyfriend, except he's not sexually adventurous. He's only slept with five guys in his life, whereas I consider fucking five guys a halfway decent party. We're monogamous for now and I don't plan on cheating, but it would be hot to have threeways and groups with him. I'm planting ideas slowly and maybe one day it will happen. To me, group sex is more a recreational activity and about male bonding, but he definitely doesn't see it that way. Fortunately we're both vers. and he's willing to fuck raw because I'm on PrEP and recently tested for everything. If have to say, waking up next to a handsome naked man with his load in your ass is a very nice feeling. 

[tallslenderguy]

14 hours ago, ErosWired said:

The reason open relationships are tricky is because science gets involved. NSA may mean 'no strings attached', but it doesn't mean 'no science associated'. The physical act of sexual intercourse, whether it's between men or between heterosexuals, automatically causes a series of physical changes in the body and the brain, perhaps the most pronounced of which is the release of oxytocin by the limbic system. Oxytocin, the king of all feel-good hormones, is responsible for forming an emotional/empathetic bond between two people having sex.

No wonder we cumdump bottoms are insatiable - all that oxytocin! But there's a downside (isn't there always?) in that in the case of the open relationship, those NSA bonds get more or less immediately broken - at least, that's the theory. But your partner knows about the bonding, see, because it happens when he plays, too. He knows that the guy you shagged on the coffee table last night (he can tell by the print of your ass cheeks on the glass) didn't just fuck you, you keep going on about how he bred you - which is bad enough - but worse than that, he knows the guy bonded with you, and that's a threat to your bond with him. Even though yours is a different kind of bond. It's an animal thing.

Jealously can be just as involuntary as the bonding.

I was married to a woman for 17 years before she decided she needed something else. Since then, I haven't really searched for a relationship, mostly for fear of dragging someone with a heart into a bond that would be unsatisfying. I have only encountered one man whom I could have considered a partner had our ages, and our interests, been a little closer, and we bonded - dear God, we bonded. But in the end I always knew I wasn't what he either was looking for or needed, even though he cared about me, and I pushed him on to better things. Will I seek out another relationship? No - I've always known that it would take a very unusual person, man or woman, to cruise alongside me, and I haven't met that person yet. If I do, who knows - maybe we'll bond.

I was particularly interested in this as a scientist and evidence based practitioner, thank you for posting your thoughts ErosWired. Here's a great article with several cited studies for you nerds among us who may be interested in such stuff.