Did something to better the scenario, and now am Scared as Fuck

[Sunovabesh]

Hey guys, long time since I posted anything. In truth, life has not been kind to me, and I'm here to state something, because, I honestly need a friend at this time. 

 

For one thing, please do not take anything I say as something demeaning to anyone with HIV, or likes to have party favors. I don't look down at anyone who does it, nor sees it as a means. However, onto the topic. 

I'm 22, and passed college (Finally), and pretty much have not been able to accept any happy occasions, because of what happened thus far. 

You see, after helping someone for so long, I was delayed for graduation, and the person who I helped treated me like shit, and left me in the dirt. While everyone was graduating and having fun, I felt betrayed and left uneasy. Thus, I went to my coping mechanism - trying to find some guys to fool with. I checked everyone, and they all seemed clear, however, somehow, I got gonorrhea. With that, I worried if I passed anything on to my partners, who I SEVERELY cared about. With me thinking I did, and being worried that my friends had to pay for medical treatment (They don't have insurance), I felt like shit and was high off guilt and depression. I felt as though I was ruining lives, and seeing that I "technically" was, I wanted to save them time and money for being cured of a possible infection. So, when it came to it, a person as a free clinic kinda (from my position) made the proposition that if I slept with him, he'll give them immediate treatment. Thing was though, he was HIV positive (Undetectable) and did meth. This bothered me, but, I went along with it. I topped him bareback, and swallowed his load a couple of times.  After all was said and done, I asked him about the treatment, and he said that was already planned. Apparently I misunderstood him, and my brain fucked up. My buddies got treatment, but, turned out I never gave them anything. I'm now wigging out and honestly have no one to find comfort in. The one person who I thought I could talk to said that I am a terrible person, and that I just have to accept being positive. That I'm kinda this "Undesirable," that only he can desire. This leaves me with so much regret. 

 

I know this sounds selfish, and that I'm a terrible for wanting attention, but, I honestly, am so fucked up. For all the people around me who belittle me for being gay, and my partners looking down at people with HIV, I feel as though I'm alone and severely depressed. It's making me considering just giving up on everything. And, honestly, I just need someone who can just hear me out, and just offer something. I'm not asking for a therapist, or a magical guide who can "cure" me. I did this to myself, and somewhat accept it. However, I need someone who can understand me needing to vent about all of this, and not give me that "You're a terrible person for exposing yourself" or "Why not just accept every disease out there, you're an abilist piece of shit for not being a cum-dump - you judgmental prude." 

 

So, anything would help. Thanks. 

[FrenchMaid]

Don't be hard on yourself for the decisions made in the moment, everybody has a chapter in their life that they don't read out loud.

[evilqueerpig]

Making poor choices doesn't make you a bad person.  Dwelling on it won't change things.  Accept the consequences and do your best to get on with your life.  Feel free to pm me if you think an objective opinion will help.

[Guest GoneFishing]

14 minutes ago, evilqueerpig said:

Making poor choices doesn't make you a bad person.  Dwelling on it won't change things.  Accept the consequences and do your best to get on with your life.  Feel free to pm me if you think an objective opinion will help.

amen ! 

[Sunovabesh]

Thank you, evilqueerpig

And thank you everyone.

I want to apologize for me being overly emotional. At the time, partners were telling me to off myself, people were being homophobic, and it was the time near my mother's death. A lot to swallow (Though, I think I did enough lol).

However, I'm somewhat getting back to my old self again. I'm slowing down the breaks on this roller coaster, and just accepting whatever comes up. I obviously won't know the "answer" until December - so, why panic?

Regardless, I'm just gonna continue living life the way I always had - working on projects, and building my future. While, yes, finding a lover/partner may not be on my mind for some time, I'm honestly okay with everything. I mean, I have to be - there's no other choice. Well, unless you consider giving up, and being depressed for years to come as an option.... Which is kinda fucked.....

However, I'm doing a bit better. It's just everything was coming at me all at once, and having abusive lovers doesn't help. After all, PTSD and Guilt is one hell of a drug. So, as of right now, I won't know for quite some time whether I'm positive or not. I mean, if I am - Oh well, I'm still human (Oh my God, it's almost like people living with HIV are actually people - Gee fucking willikers). It'll be a bitch for medication, but, I'll hit the bridge when I get there. If I'm negative, then, I just gotta not let shit hit me like that again - Should have that mindset even when positive. 

 

The important thing that I learned from all this is that - I can't clean up everyone's mess, and I should love myself regardless of any scenario. It was these two morals I needed at the time of my wreck-less behavior. And I hope this can be an alteration of my past behaviors. Changing the crowd I'm with, changing partners, and trying to seek better means. Again, I want to say sorry for my behavior, and if this post serves no purpose, I can gladly remove it. Hit me up. I'd love to talk to folks here just because. I could always enjoy a good laugh and such. 

[Nclchub]

Given the circumstances I think you have every right to vent. Sorry to hear the person you confided in is an asshole.

One thing to keep in mind is that theres no guarantee that you're poz. Transmission of hiv from oral is pretty low and if the guy was undetectable your chances are lower still.

At any rate, regardless of your status you are worthy of love. Anyone who says otherwise is clueless and can safely be ignored. 

Good luck.

[6811283]

On 7/5/2018 at 5:35 AM, Sunovabesh said:

So, when it came to it, a person as a free clinic kinda (from my position) made the proposition that if I slept with him, he'll give them immediate treatment. T

Not sure I'm reading this correctly -- was this person WORKING at the free clinic (if you made a typo "at" for "as") and offered to give you treatment for free in his capacity as a worker there? If so, that's a serious breach of ethics and this person needs to be reported to the management and, if he's a licensed professional, to the state medical board. Please do so so you prevent him from pulling this crap on anyone else.

I realize you might have meant metaphorically that he was "acting" as a free clinic , not working at a real one. In that case, he's just an asshole and others should be warned informally to steer clear of him.

Edited July 18, 2018 by 6811283

[tprbttm4u]

I Want too get Knocked up!  I understand the reality of what I Desire so Desperately!  I want another Man Alive Inside me Forever!   His DNA Replicating every Moment with My OWN DNA!!  The Hottest thing I can ever Imagine!  I Can't Wait!  Hopefully this Week it will Finally Happen!

My Father has lived with AIDS for 35 years!  I'm NOT SCARED ANYMORE!  Never Afraid too take CUM AGAIN! 

Take it easy on yourself.  Enjoy your life while you can.  Make the most of every moment!  Nobody really dies from it anymore anyway.

Unless they do everything wrong like drink, meth, non prescribed prescription drugs, my Dad drank 1/5th of Jack a Day for years.  That and the Old Meds AZT Destroyed His Liver too 30% He is 85 now, lol.  He says He has no regrets!  He has lived a Full Life!  

I admire His Strength too keep on as rough as it is for Him now.  But your life has changed no doubt.  But you are now free too live!

[bihairy]

On 7/5/2018 at 5:35 AM, Sunovabesh said:

Hey guys, long time since I posted anything. In truth, life has not been kind to me, and I'm here to state something, because, I honestly need a friend at this time. 

 

For one thing, please do not take anything I say as something demeaning to anyone with HIV, or likes to have party favors. I don't look down at anyone who does it, nor sees it as a means. However, onto the topic. 

I'm 22, and passed college (Finally), and pretty much have not been able to accept any happy occasions, because of what happened thus far. 

You see, after helping someone for so long, I was delayed for graduation, and the person who I helped treated me like shit, and left me in the dirt. While everyone was graduating and having fun, I felt betrayed and left uneasy. Thus, I went to my coping mechanism - trying to find some guys to fool with. I checked everyone, and they all seemed clear, however, somehow, I got gonorrhea. With that, I worried if I passed anything on to my partners, who I SEVERELY cared about. With me thinking I did, and being worried that my friends had to pay for medical treatment (They don't have insurance), I felt like shit and was high off guilt and depression. I felt as though I was ruining lives, and seeing that I "technically" was, I wanted to save them time and money for being cured of a possible infection. So, when it came to it, a person as a free clinic kinda (from my position) made the proposition that if I slept with him, he'll give them immediate treatment. Thing was though, he was HIV positive (Undetectable) and did meth. This bothered me, but, I went along with it. I topped him bareback, and swallowed his load a couple of times.  After all was said and done, I asked him about the treatment, and he said that was already planned. Apparently I misunderstood him, and my brain fucked up. My buddies got treatment, but, turned out I never gave them anything. I'm now wigging out and honestly have no one to find comfort in. The one person who I thought I could talk to said that I am a terrible person, and that I just have to accept being positive. That I'm kinda this "Undesirable," that only he can desire. This leaves me with so much regret. 

 

I know this sounds selfish, and that I'm a terrible for wanting attention, but, I honestly, am so fucked up. For all the people around me who belittle me for being gay, and my partners looking down at people with HIV, I feel as though I'm alone and severely depressed. It's making me considering just giving up on everything. And, honestly, I just need someone who can just hear me out, and just offer something. I'm not asking for a therapist, or a magical guide who can "cure" me. I did this to myself, and somewhat accept it. However, I need someone who can understand me needing to vent about all of this, and not give me that "You're a terrible person for exposing yourself" or "Why not just accept every disease out there, you're an abilist piece of shit for not being a cum-dump - you judgmental prude." 

 

So, anything would help. Thanks. 

I am not a physician but you said you topped an undetectable guy and swallowed his load.  If he is undetectable then I don't know any transmission of HIV that way. Especially if you topped.  Swallowing loads is really not how it is transmitted.  I am on PrEP and fuck with undetectable guys all the time.  I top and have never been concerned.  Enjoy you sex life. BB sex is the best. Yes sometimes we get STI but that is expected and is cured by a shot and a few pills.  As others have said in this thread, even if you would be positive the medicines today are amazing.  You are NOT a terrible person.  Sounds like you're living in a very repressed area.  That is why I love my brothers on BZ we all love sex and enjoy telling each  other about our experiences.  I for one am having the best sex in my life and to be blunt, FUCK anyone that doesn't like it. It's not their business.  Best of luck to you sun. Go have some good bb sex and then tell us about it!! BH

[Sunovabesh]

Hey everyone! 

Sorry for not being on here that much - a lot has happened as of late. So, I'll try to answer a few questions and make an update. When doing so I'll try to be general and tell you guys the story. 

First, I wanna say sorry again for worrying anyone. If I caused anyone to be uncomfortable, I am terribly sorry. Nonetheless, I want to really thank you guys for being so amazingly supportive! I really wish I could meet all you guys and just give you a big hug. I don't get that much support back at where I live, but, I appreciate everything you guys are saying. 

So, let's answer questions, then I'll update. 

On 7/18/2018 at 9:17 AM, 6811283 said:

Not sure I'm reading this correctly -- was this person WORKING at the free clinic (if you made a typo "at" for "as") and offered to give you treatment for free in his capacity as a worker there? If so, that's a serious breach of ethics and this person needs to be reported to the management and, if he's a licensed professional, to the state medical board. Please do so so you prevent him from pulling this crap on anyone else.

I realize you might have meant metaphorically that he was "acting" as a free clinic , not working at a real one. In that case, he's just an asshole and others should be warned informally to steer clear of him.

Yes, he was working there, and while I may not want to talk too much about it, I have made some notices for this material. At the moment, things are kind of complicated, but, I do plan on getting things noted. 

With that being said, I seem to be negative and have talked to some medical personnel. They explained to me that I should be fine, and am now starting to calm down. I finally got counseling, and am slowly getting myself together. With this, I'm slowly branching out to better my circumstances. With me finally doing what I want to do - it's lead me to be in WAY better positions than I ever imagined. I finally did an art gig and have a few people recognizing what I have to offer. I finally am having time to breathe and take time away from stress. I'm slowly building confidence again, and really am becoming whole again. 

As many have stated, I should be fine regardless of the scenario, and again, sorry if I may be sounding ignorant with the notion of him being undetectable. I had sex with undetectable guys in the past and didn't worry - it was only him constantly changing information and being manipulative is what bothered me - which lead from my anxiety being a simple flame to a fiery pit.  However, I have also talked to people who can help me with insurance and see what we can do for HIV medication - if anything comes up. 

As for my personal life - well, I still want to fix myself first before going to the scene again, however, I still wish and miss holding bottom daddies. Hey, a traumatized guy can still dream lol

Hopefully, I can be somewhat put together after the Fall, and see about dating guys (or girls) again in the Spring. Hope to one day find a progressive daddy who likes blow jobs and a well bred ass lol (Although, I still have complications with that - hit me up if you want to know)

However, regardless, I really do appreciate what you guys have said so far - and I'm so sorry for the wait. Thank you all so much. Maybe writing a few stories on here can be a great way of using up some energy. 

[Toon]

A legitimately bad person wouldn't feel as conflicted as you do now. You have a conscience and a soul. You're young and not the person you will be in five, ten or even twenty years. I'm pushing 50 and still don't think of myself as a 'finished product'. I see good things in your character...and in your future.

Edited July 28, 2018 by Toon
wording