Have You Been Raped as a Child and Became Attracted to Men like your Rapist?

[bottomcub85]

Interesting thread. I only recently told my wife of 22 years about what happened to me when I was 13. I had been sent to a summer camp which consisted of travelling by bus from Montreal (Quebec) to Victoria (BC) over the course of a month. We were in small groups that slept in tents at various provicial and federal parks along the way. The kids in the groups were from 13 to 18 - all boys, a total of about 40 kids I guess. I did not know anyone and was teased by the older boys at the back of the bus even before we reached Toronto. The incident (I'm detached from any emotional connection to it...the memory feels like someone else now...or a movie) happened somewhere in the prairies. I had done something wrong and was confined to the tent as punishment for the afternoon with two other kids. They were old, about 18 I think. Anyway, they had hair on the bodies which meant "older" to me. It was July and incredibly hot. The tents were quite large and the older guys were at the back smoking dope and giggling. I was in my underwear lying on my sleeping bag trying to sleep. Next thing I know, one of the guys is lying on top of me, holding me down, he's calling me a "tapette" (french for faggot) and sort of dry humping me. I remember my back was all slick from his sweat. I honestly don't remember saying a word or even resisting, he pulls down my shorts and then he's inside me. I also don't remember any pain...there must have been....but like I said, this all seems like a movie to me now. Whatever he did was quick and then the other guy did the same thing then it was over. I'm thinking maybe 10 minutes tops. I don't remember much of anything about that whole summer after that. I remember leaving Montreal on the bus, I remember having my book taken and thrown across the bus outside Toronto and that made me cry which I was ashamed of. I remember the event in the tent and then flying home from Winnipeg much later. Not sure if this made me "gay"...I have been with many women in my life and have been married a long time. My wife and I still have great sex, but I have always been sexually passive/submissive with men...I try and resist it, but I always end up giving in and finding someone who will use me and humiliate me. i guess you could draw a connection, that would be convenient. But I feel so detached from the event, I don't see how they could be related. As I said - the memory is like a movie to me. I have no recollection of pain, no "cum leaking out my ass" ( did not even know what cum was), nor do I remember how the hours and days that followed unfolded. Was I touched again? Did they tease me about it? I think it is likely that what happened scared them silly and they left me alone, acting as if nothing had happened. But i cannot assert this as I frankly don't remember. Today, I have a dark side (if it must be given a name) that finds me craving for degrading sex with anonymous men. I struggle with this urge because it is inherently destructive. To give in to it would set me on a slippery slope that put at risk everything I hold dear.

But I'm here...on this site....dancing at the edge of darkness.

Fascinating post.

[chaser]

I was 13 and they were installing the gas lines in the small town where I grew up. One of the construction workers was a man in his 30s very tall and I thought very handsome, but what caught my attention was the hair that billowed out of the neck of his tee shirt. Something about a hairy man, from a very young age, has been exciting to me. I spend that summer following the work and running errands for the guys, learning cus words and smoking cigarettes. I always stayed as close to Tom, the above mention construction worker, as I could just to be near enough to smell him and see that hair pushing out the neck of his tee. I jerked off thinking about him every chance I could.

About 3 weeks into the job Tom began to get friendly in a different kind of a way, he would rub his crotch when when he talked if no one was close and got to the point of taking off his tee shirt, whenever he caught me staring at him. Fridays were the worst because they didn't work the weekends and would leave Fridays afternoons to go back to their families, to return Sunday night or Monday morning. It was late July and Tom ask me one Friday morning if I was going to be around over the weekend. He said his family was away so there was no sense of him leaving for the weekend and wondered if we might hang out and fish and just spend sometime together, since his buddies were gone for the weekend. Well I was in 7th heaven and said yes I would like that, funny it never crossed my mind that this guy who was so much oldrer than me was interested in spending time with a kid like me. It was pretty easy for me to get away, my dad was dead and my mother work almost all the time to support us. Tom said we would go to the river and fish and have a picnic supper.

That summer was hot and dry and so it was far more pleasant by the river. Once we got there Tom right away stripped down to his briefs and tee shirt. I could not keep my eyes off his crotch and he was aware of it. He came over to me where I was sitting on the bank and ask if I wanted to touch his cock since I seemed so very curious abot it and I never took my eyes off of it. Well I remember reach out my hand and touching the bulge in his briefs, damn it was hard and nice, my heart was pounding so loud I am sure they heard it back in town. Tom moved closer to me and ask me to rub my face on the bulge, I can still remember the smell of his body musk and how I thought this was so wonderful. Tom slipped his fingers in the waistband of the briefs and in one quick move they were at his ankles and that man cock was in my face, I knew I would do anything for this man, in my eyes he was perfection. I remember him saying open your mouth Hank and show me how much of this cock you can swallow, he was uncut and I had never seen that before, he said skin it back and run your tongue around the head. I can still close my eyes and smell and taste his cock, I was hooked at once. He ask me if I wanted to make him happy and I said yes of course, he instructed to hold his cock head in my mouth and not to move my tongue, just to be still. I did as he instructed. In just a few moments I began to feel the piss going in my mouth and the wonderful salt taste filling my senses. I was instructed to swallow, he would stop the flow so I could swallow and as soon as I did the flow would again begin to fill my mouth, this went on for what seem like forever and I am proud to say every drop was swallowed. Tom was pleased I gathered from all the praise he gave me and how he told me knew I would make him happy every way he had in mind. My head was spinning, here I was with this God of a man and I was able to please him, it was awesome.

Soon I was instructed to take off my clothes, somewhat embarrassed, as I only was starting to get hair around my cock and balls, I stripped. "Lay on the blanket" he instructed, "on your stomach and spread your legs as wide as you can." I did as I was told, my heart still pounding. He began to play with my ass, spitting on it and beginning to work one of his big fingers in me, it made me feel full, but that was only the beginning. He was in no rush so he slowly work my ass with his fingers and in time had three inside of my ass. He reached in a bag setting there and pulled out a jar of vasoline and began working that into my ass and then coated his cock with it as well. He told me this was going to hurt me, but that in time I would come to love what he was going to do and I would ask him to do it in time. He ask me if I was ready and when I said "Yes" he covered my mouth with his left hand and lined his cock up with my ass. He leaned down and asked "Ready?" I moaned and with one sudden push he was completely inside me.

I remember that the pain caused flashes of light and I screamed into his hand which muffled the sound. He lay on top of me with all his weight on me and he didn't move a muscle. I couldn't seem to catch my breath for a time, but that slowly went away as did the pain as long as there was no movement. All the while he talked to me in a calm and loving voice, I recall the tears running down my cheeks, as he told me I now belonged to him and that I would always belong to him for the rest of my life. Slowly he began to move in and out of me, at first in just small movements and he would stop and let me get my breath, he finally was able to pick up speed and in what seem like forever came deep inside me, the cum seem to ease the burning and pain.

Slowly he slid out of me and held me in his arms. "This is just the beginning" he told me, adding "Once you heal-up you would want him more and more." Yes, I was in rough shape for a couple of weeks or so and had to to make up a story about getting hurt on the crossbar my bike, but I pulled that off and no one was the wiser.

I guess that this is the story of a rape, but I prefer to think of it as a love story. All these years later I am still with Tom. Do we become fixated with the people who use us or was I in love with him from the first site of him? Hard to know for sure. It is all in the mind of the beholder, at least from my point of view! If I was raped then I feel lucky that I was or how different my life would have been and that would not have been a good thing!

Edited November 2, 2012 by Hotload84

[Inception]

When I was 12 I was at a public swimming pool with my family. In the sauna I heard some other kids talking about a "wierdo." I went into the showers and this older guy in his mid 30's to early 40's came in and took off his swim suit and started stroking his cock with soap and showing it to me. I was really curious about guy's cocks, but was nervous as I knew that any older guy who wanted kids was trouble. I left the showers and the guy kind of followed me around for a bit and kept pulling hjis cock out of his shorts and stroking it in front of me. I was really excited but super nervous, and finally just very calmly said to him, "So like, are you are child molestor? Cause like my dad is right over there," and I pointed my dad out, a total blue collar thug type and then I said, "If I go over right now and tell him what you are doing he will kill you." I then walked over to my dad and asked him about something random and sort of pointed in the guy's direction and watched the guy run like a madman into the changeroom where he changed and got the hell out of there. Later that night at home I told my parents about the guy, but only after jerking off a few times thinking about the whole experience. I do wish that I had had the guts to tell my dad at the pool about the guy, because I have no doubt my dad would have beat the shit out of the guy, which would have been pretty cool.

I like sucking off and getting fucked by hairy, slim older guys - the same type as the guy at the pool. Probably what got me poz as in my 20's let myself be intimidated into letting guys in bare. I definitely think stealthers deserve death.

[cockjockey]

I was 11, almost twelve....technically rape but I was definitely a consenting party, daddy's boy. I had been aware of my attraction to men since i was 8 or so, and I gleefuly took advantage of this opportunity. We were at his house one day, coming out of his pool, he pinched my nipple and i got an instant erection. He took me by the hand to the basement and proceeded to fondle me while sucking my nipples. He brought me along slowly with gay porn, assorted dildos, mutual j/o, rimming, fingering, oral. I can still remember like it was yesterday the first time he came in my mouth and the hot little slut I was, I swallowed. It would be another two years or so before he fucked me and I was so hot for it...I loved it after the initial discomfort the first few times. Interestingly enough, he shared me occassionaly with his uncle who molesteed him as a boy. I've never been tempted to mess with underaged boys. I just figure what happened to me wasn't right "technically"... BUT I encouraged after it was initiated. And I have several friends gay/bi/straight who were molested as kids and it really fucked with their heads. My experience NEVER registered as abuse to me...I would have been a cockloving bottom either way.

[StlBottom]

Was not raped, molested or in anyway forced, was always a willing participant, even though I am not sexually attracted to males. As I have written before in other threads, have always been a sexual pervert, a sexual deviant, someone not interested in "normal" sex but loves what the moral majority calls depraved, degrading, and definitely immoral.

Was about 7 when my sister (5 years older) and I began sharing a bedroom and bed when an aunt and uncle moved in and took my bedroom. My sister was as sexually perverse as I was, from the first night she played with my cock and balls, poke her fingers and other stuff in my ass, had me lick her cunt and ass. I loved it! I never, ever protested, was always ready for more and never hesitated when she she began letting her girl friends join in.

At 8, a few days after our summer school break began, mom sent us outside telling my sister to keep an eye on me and let me tag along with her. We went to a neighbors, a few houses down the street. He was a class mate of hers since they started school. He also had a huge amount of porn magazines and paperback books, straight, bi gay, s&m, b&d, piss, swingers, animals. This was not my sisters first visit there. They were quick to show me the gay stuff, especially pics of guys sucking cock and getting fucked. By the time we went home for lunch, my sister had watched me suck and swallow, get fucked and suck him clean. Would have loved it even if sis wasn't watching and commenting but she was and it was a wonderful experience. I went back after lunch without my sister for more sucking and getting fucked. Was almost a daily event for us and during the summer he introduced me (shared me) with other, older guys. Again, was NEVER forced to do anything, I was always more than willing, I wanted to do everything that happened. I liked it!

That was beginning of my journey into the world of sexual depravity, one I do not regret and would not change. Yes, there was a time I tried to go straight, be normal, but it was not who I truly was sexually. Eight. eighteen or twenty-eight, I would have turned out the same way. Am so glad I started early, those years were totally fantastic.

[glassesboi]

i was molested by my uncle for 4 years. i think it definitely mutated something in my head.

from 10 - 13. there was no penetration until i was about 12.

before this i already knew i was gay and i think he had an idea. he lived with us and my parents were always working. i enjoyed a lot of it at first, didn't know what it was but i knew there was something wrong. it just made me feel good and i liked that. i liked it a lot when he held me, i think it was the body contact. we had a co word for it: "i'm bored" or "are you bored." sometimes i'd go to him, i was young though. i think it's when he actually started going inside me when i didn't enjoy it at all. hurt a lot and sometimes he would lose himself and wouldn't care. he started threatening me around that time as well, it stopped when he moved and i never told anyone but my ex.

i was turned on by a lot of it and growing up during my teens i would jack off repeatedly to him. he and my dad were gym buddies, he had a good face and a nice body. wasn't bad looking. i think in a way i'm really fucked up for admitting to a lot of this but i feel like i can say this type of stuff here. sometimes during sex i want my partner to do the things my uncle did to me, to force themselves on me or grab my neck. i'm sure this came from what he did to me, it made me kinda twisted too. i suffered a lot from it during my late teens, had intimacy issues but i never made myself the victim. not even now. i figured, it happened and you dealt with it and you're alright now regardless of how many screws you're missing so whatever.

he's also the reason i really enjoy sex with older, built men.

Edited January 22, 2012 by glassesboi

[seattlebbbtm]

I was raped against my will by one of my adult cousins when I was 13. I was also "molested" by older guys but it was consensual. It is a complicated topic. I always knew I was gay, and I actively sought older men to play with, including the cousin who ultimately raped me. I don't believe any of these experiences made me gay. But I did spend a lot of time in therapy trying to figure it all out. Other than the one time I was raped against my will, I harbor no ill will towards the older men who showed me the ropes. But I would never have sex with an underage minor because it is illegal and because it really can damage someone mentally.

[BiAggieGuy]

Never played with someone who was significantly older than myself when I was a teenager. Biggest difference was when I was 16 and he was 18. However, there were some older brothers of my friends I wanted to fuck with so bad, but alas, it never happened. If it had happened, I wouldn't have called it rape since I wanted it and was a willing participant. To me rape is when physical force and violence are used to make the other person comply. That said, I would never think about sex with anyone under 18 since I have no desire to go to prison.

[LookingnCity]

All these years later I am still with Tom, do we become fixated with the people who use us or was I in love with him from the first site of him, hard to know for sure. It is all in the mind of the beholder, at least from my point of view! If I was raped then I feel lucky that I was or how different my life would have been and that would not have been a good thing!

thanks for the amazing post .

what do you mean by still being with tom - so, tom broke it off with his wife/fam, and you guys got married? have you only ever been with him, or is the relationship open, or?

[versatilepoz3]

I was molested by my father when I was very young until I was sixteen. I never dealt with the incest issue until in my late twenties. I always had trouble getting close to any one person. I also drank alot but I thought that was just a male thing. I have never been attracted to older men like my farther and chose to be with much younger men that I could control. Because of the incest Trust and Friendship have been big problems for me. I was tyhe youngest in my family and later afetr I did deal with incest I found that more of my sisters and brother were also hurt by my farther. You can see a difference in my siblings dependent on whether they were molested or not. The same is true ith my nieces and nephews that were also molested by him. I remember just before he died that he tried to tell me that he molested me because it was his way of teaching me about adulthood. He also said that it really wasn't his fault because he was molested by his mother. He also told me that his mother was molested by her alcoholic farther. I have been very forthright with my family in dealing with incest so that this trajady in my family would stop. Education is the only way to understand and deal with trajic events like this.

[slaveslut]

My moms border showed me porn and let me give him a hand job when I was 11 the day I had the nerve to ask him if i could suck his like the girls in magizine we got caught he was tossed out that day I got whipped by mom and grounded all my privacy was taken no locks on doors even the washroom . So the only place I could find to jerk off was washroom at morningside mall in Toronto things just took off from there. Even before my experiance with border I would finger myself in bathtub fantising bout old men crawling through my window and raping me that would always get me off

[tnucman2]

I was never raped. In fact I never got fucked until I was in my mid-thirties. When I was 15 I was a bit rebellious and left home for about a month. On my second day out I picked up a ride in Santa Monica. He was heading to Frisco so I could get a ride all the way to my destination. About thirty minutes in he reaches over a starts stroking my thigh. I didn't react instantly but when he grabbed my cock through my jeans I politely told him I wasnt into it. For years I fantasized about what would have happened. It was my favorite wanking dream. When I think about how I came to being a slut bottom I tend to regret not taking that opportunity.

[fatwhore]

i was raped, when i was 10y old.

it was 10pm and i was on my way home from a friend of mine. then a homeless jumped out of the bushes, carried me away into a bunker of 2nd ww and .. well he did a lot of sadistic things

i didn't like it at all, it was like hell. i was so afraid and terryfied. nowadays i like such roleplays - so i think: a rape can change your mind, character and desires

[VersBBBi]

Yes,

I got raped when I was 16years old. Just left school after finishing exams. Was on the bus to go to my part time job in Birmingham, on the top deck of the bus, at the back having a fag, when a guy got on and sat at the back next to me. Put his overcoat over his lap, slid his hand under it and started doing wanking movements under it.

He noticed I was looking and the bulge in my pants (fortunately there was no one else on the top deck) Wipped his coat back to show me one of the biggest dick I have ever seen. His coat was soaked with pre-cum and was ozzing.. So much I showed him mine, rock hard and dripping as well.

He sidled up to me, and let me wank his cock, my hand was soon covered with his pre-cum, so used it to lube my dick and licked off the rest.

He wispered to me that he had a flat not far from where we were, so, I followed him to a council house on the top floor of a block of flats not far from where I had got on.

I thought my luck was in and that I was going to be be able go dump my load and empty my bulging balls. I was horny as my regular fuck bud had left birmingham (he had been a regular since I was 11, we fucked each other and took each others virginity and we both regulary had arses dripping with each others spunk as we swapped loaded at least 2 to 3 times a week. ), so I was desparate to shoot my load up a willing arse, however I wasnt really in the mood to get shagged.

I followed him into a pretty dark bedroom, and we started to play. The usual, sucking, wanking, drinking pre-cum and me slowly opening up his arse ready to dump my load up it.

Suddenly there were another 2 big burly guys in the room, all naked with mega stiff throbbing cocks.

2 of them held me down told me to shut uas as I complained that I didnt want to get fucked The guy who was on the bus with me suddenly held me face down, pulled my arse cheeks apart and with only spit and pre-cum rammed his dick hard into my arse (an arse that hadnt been fucked in a couple of months)

With my face pushed hard into the pillow, 2 guys holding me down and a hand over my mouth, I could do nothing but take this painfull pounding from a raw 8 + inch cock. (it hurt so much, the other guys cheered him on)

Then the first guys thrusting got more and more frantic and his breathing harder and harder. Then the guy shouted out in triumph .. "I'm cumming!" I felt his cock throb and pulse as he pumpled a mega load up my young arse..

I felt someone fingering my sore thobing arse and suddenly someone thrust a spunk laden finger into my arse. .

This happened twice more as the two other guys swapped possitions and battered my arse and emptied their balls up my young arse. All of them bareback and only spunk and spit as lube.

My arse stinged so much that I was crying and wanted to stop, but they carried on, taking turned on me for at least 3 more times.

Then one of them wispered into my ear to stay as I was until for 10 minutes after I heard the door shut, otherwise, they would give me a kicking. So I stayed and did as I was told.

After 10 mins I pulled on my clothes, and bolted for the door.

Jumped onto the next train from the station that was just a short way from the flat.

My arse ached and stung and felt very wet and whenever I passed wind, I could feel spunk trickling down my legs.

I dived into the toilet yanked down my trousers and sat on the loo.

The amount of spunk that gushed out of my proved to me that they all had not wanked or fucked in a very long time. Along with the spunk was a considerable amount of blood.

I cleaned up and went to work, far too scared to tell anyone about it.

A week later I woke to a dream of the rape to find my cock throbing and coming of its own accord without me touching my dick.

I finally plucked up the courage to check if I was infected when I was 22 and on job placement in Manchester when I started to feel ill.

Fortunately at the time it wasnt HIV. Remember this was the time of the Governments "Don't die of ignorance" campaign that both shocked and scared everyone.

A month later I chatted a guy up who was desparte for a fuck, (I had stopped being fucked, but still (and have always since I was 11) fucked arse and cunt bareback.

As soon as I got him in the bedroom, he got me to hold him down and "rape" his arse. I have never cum so quickly when fucking arse then when someone insists on me raping his arse. ( 4 stroaks of my dick up him and I shot so hard that ithurt.) To this day, this always happens.

I didnt really get fucked again until I was in my 30s and with tested negative partners. (Always fucking guys n gals bareback and dumping my load but always getting fucked with a condom) Until the one day that I moved to London for a new job had a followup session with an 18 year old who took my fisting virginity with his fist up my arse on my 37th birthday. We had a second session with who broke my fisting virginity. I fucked (with a condon, as I had just had a pa done) and broke the condon.

I suddently felt very odd, faint and ill. I felt this creaping feeling flowing from my dick filling me up. I had got his arse juice into my body via the hole in my dick. I knewed I had been pozzed as my fuck bud had told me on first play that he was poz and not on combination. I dont remember the weekend as I converted.

The release on ripping off the condon dumping my load up him and feeling his load gush up me deep into my fisted arse for the first time in many years was fantatic and and in a way have never looked back since.

We carried on all night getting trashed, fucking, dumping loads up each and using it as lube for fisting.

Since then, I have never either fucked or got fucked with a condom.

I doubt that I could ever use one again.

[uclatinosj]

I was raped by 3 teens around the age of 8-9, the times after that i anticipated their loads..