Bareback and seeing a therapist question

[ChristophBB]

I've just joined, I've lurked for some time. Curious question, I've been seeing a therapist lately, only seem him a handful of times but I like working with him. We've been talking about issues around sexuality, I'm a sort of late bloomer (raised in a wacko religious environment that stiffled me for a long time sexually) and have discovered that I love bareback sex. I'm on PreP. So far I've only had one guy at a time cum in me, but I really want to try taking loads cumdump style in a hotel. 

I was talking to therapist today and he thinks it's really healthy that I'm on PreP and am embracing sexuality, but I fell short on talking to him about not only bareback but taking loads. Has anyone ever talked to a therapist about this? I know there's a risk of STI's and he made a comment about being 'safe', so I'm not sure I can fully explore sexuality if I have to keep hidden my desire to take loads and do bareback.

[sadden]

Its important tooo be as honest as you can with your therapist. If your comfortable and its relavant share...

[ChristophBB]

Thanks, that's my impression to. I'll let you know how it goes.

[Guest Footprints]

I once told my therapist about my chasing fantasy (I wasn't chasing at that time). She become alerted and told me she need to break confidentiality if I'm hurting myself, or hurting others. She considered such chasing/gifting is a kind of self-harm or other-harm, and therapists are entitled to take measures to stop such behavior. I assured her it's just my fantasy and not really want to do. I never come back to her. I don't know how other therapist may react, but be careful!

[viking8x6]

Well, you are being safe - you're on PrEP, which means that taking loads is no more risky than barebacking period, which can get you some annoying STIs but isn't what I'd call dangerous. Besides that, you alone are responsible for your level of risk in life. Your therapist should be willing to help you gain perspective on that, but should not be judging you for it one way or another. Some people like sky-diving, some people like bareback sex. His job is not to keep you safe (there's no safety this side of the grave anyway), it is to keep you sane. And certainly that includes working through your own anxieties and confusions about risk and coming to a place of self-knowledge and comfort about it.

[BootmanLA]

I would add, to the comments above: 

It's important to BE ABLE to talk with anything, without reservation, with your therapist, IF you choose to share that subject. (If a therapist can'd do that, time for a different one.)

It's not MANDATORY that you talk about everything under the sun with your therapist.

Since you're talking about sexual issues, you might *assume* that you need to share everything with the therapist, but that's not necessarily true. Since you're taking PrEP, you're already demonstrating an awareness of protecting yourself. I think most human beings understand that condomless sex is always going to "feel better" than condomed sex, so the therapist is undoubtedly going to assume you understand that. 

Now, the cumdump fantasy thing - that may or may not be something to explore. For instance (and I'm just spitballing here), it's possible that your desire to do this has deeper implications, psychologically. As an example, it's conceivable - again, just a guess - that this could be tied to your hyper-religious upbringing; you could be, at some level, trying to punish yourself for being a sexual person by seeking what could be (for some) a degrading situation. Or, flipped, you could be seeking this as an affirmation of a sex-positive role for yourself where you don't feel constrained by traditional mores about sex being an intimate act between two and only two people.

That's not to say you HAVE to figure that one out. Not every detail of our psyches "needs" to be explored in order to be healthy individuals. But if you find this desire is growing - if it's keeping you from anything else in your life, or otherwise somehow interfering with day-to-day living, if it keeps you from seeking other kinds of relationships, or whatever - then it's more likely to be something that you should discuss.

[1000GUYS]

ive been talking about these subjects here... being a cumdump is something related to self esteem and self value... and is often as dangerous as doing drugs

[tallslenderguy]

Congratulations on escaping a "wacko religious environment."   Speaking from experience, i know that can be a complex process.  

As far as talking to a therapist is concerned, i think they can be very helpful and i also think they can cause damage.  i think, in large part, that depends on the one getting the 'counseling.'  i think the purpose of counseling is to optain self knowledge.  We discover who and how we are in self reflection and in relationship with others (i.e., seeing our reflection in them).  A challenge is, none of us is a perfect 'mirror,' so none of us reflects perfectly.  i see a therapist as a trained 'reflector,' and a 'good' one should give you a clear reflection of who and how you are.

i believe part of what turns a religious environment "wacko" is people looking for an authority to tell them 'the truth,'  and those who think they are an authority on 'the truth.'   i've seen a lot of people leave religion (or atheism), only to transfer the disposition that got them there to the next authority or 'ism.'  

To me, a question is:  "why did you feel hesitant about telling your therapist about bareback and taking loads?"  To me, his job is to reflect you, help you understand who you are , and in this case, help you understand more about your desire to bareback and take loads. i do not think his job it to be an authority in your life and tell you this is 'good' or 'bad.'   Not saying he is btw. Your hesitance could just be a reflection of fear on your part, which to me would be a great insight to get from therapy. 

[find91]

Continue talking to your therapist because it seems that this is helping you come to terms with your sexuality. However, I would hold off on discussing fantasies because those are tricky things. Like others have said they may be ties to other aspects and issues in your life that you may not fully grasp at the moment and they may change drastically once you can full conceptualize the feeling and issues behind it.

Just a word of advice, great that you are on PrEP it adds an added layer of safety, but do not negate the psycho - emotional aspect of sex as well being a cumdump can have some bad emotional drawbacks if you are not mentally and emotionally prepared. Furthermore, take baby steps, try a threesome before, doing a hotel cumdump scene. See how it makes you feel and if you liked it or not. Group play is one thing in the mind and another thing in reality.

[ChristophBB]

22 hours ago, hunjng said:

I once told my therapist about my chasing fantasy (I wasn't chasing at that time). She become alerted and told me she need to break confidentiality if I'm hurting myself, or hurting others. She considered such chasing/gifting is a kind of self-harm or other-harm, and therapists are entitled to take measures to stop such behavior. I assured her it's just my fantasy and not really want to do. I never come back to her. I don't know how other therapist may react, but be careful!

I did tell him I'm on PreP and he was happy and encouraged I had taken that measure. But during our first session he too told me the only thing that would require to break confidentiality was for the harm issue you mentioned. And of course that did concern me for the same reason you mentioned, but he's a gay man and I get the sense he's a bit more 'with it' regarding what gay men are actually doing in reality.

[ChristophBB]

35 minutes ago, find91 said:

Continue talking to your therapist because it seems that this is helping you come to terms with your sexuality. However, I would hold off on discussing fantasies because those are tricky things. Like others have said they may be ties to other aspects and issues in your life that you may not fully grasp at the moment and they may change drastically once you can full conceptualize the feeling and issues behind it.

Just a word of advice, great that you are on PrEP it adds an added layer of safety, but do not negate the psycho - emotional aspect of sex as well being a cumdump can have some bad emotional drawbacks if you are not mentally and emotionally prepared. Furthermore, take baby steps, try a threesome before, doing a hotel cumdump scene. See how it makes you feel and if you liked it or not. Group play is one thing in the mind and another thing in reality.

Yeah, so far my impression is to not talk to him about it. I've been slowly approaching the bareback thing in stages over the past year, mostly just single-guy hookups. I've not taken more than 2 loads in a night. I'd be curious to know more about what emotional drawbacks you see with being a cumdump. Honestly I'm not really interested in becoming a full on cumdump, it's more having the emotional freedom to be able to have more unrestrained sexuality (which obviously encompasses being able to take loads from guys during sex).

[ChristophBB]

16 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

I would add, to the comments above: 

Or, flipped, you could be seeking this as an affirmation of a sex-positive role for yourself where you don't feel constrained by traditional mores about sex being an intimate act between two and only two people.

 

I think the above quote is closer to how I'm feeling inside in terms of sexual awareness, as a motivation for my desire for bareback sex. And I have told the therapist that I'm on PreP and he's very encouraged by that.

[ChristophBB]

1 hour ago, tallslenderguy said:

Congratulations on escaping a "wacko religious environment."   Speaking from experience, i know that can be a complex process.  

As far as talking to a therapist is concerned, i think they can be very helpful and i also think they can cause damage.  i think, in large part, that depends on the one getting the 'counseling.'  i think the purpose of counseling is to optain self knowledge.  We discover who and how we are in self reflection and in relationship with others (i.e., seeing our reflection in them).  A challenge is, none of us is a perfect 'mirror,' so none of us reflects perfectly.  i see a therapist as a trained 'reflector,' and a 'good' one should give you a clear reflection of who and how you are.

i believe part of what turns a religious environment "wacko" is people looking for an authority to tell them 'the truth,'  and those who think they are an authority on 'the truth.'   i've seen a lot of people leave religion (or atheism), only to transfer the disposition that got them there to the next authority or 'ism.'  

To me, a question is:  "why did you feel hesitant about telling your therapist about bareback and taking loads?"  To me, his job is to reflect you, help you understand who you are , and in this case, help you understand more about your desire to bareback and take loads. i do not think his job it to be an authority in your life and tell you this is 'good' or 'bad.'   Not saying he is btw. Your hesitance could just be a reflection of fear on your part, which to me would be a great insight to get from therapy. 

Those are great points. The reflection concept you mention is one that's particularly important to me actually. In fact that's a big reason I've decided to see this therapist right now because I feel I'm lacking some clarity in various aspects of my life. But the direction I'm going from the standpoint of sexuality is part of that. We discussed sexuality in some detail in the past session and I was encouraged that he has views very similar to the ones I'm developing which felt like a good reflection experience. 

And my hesitation is in fact a bit of self protection until I'm sure I have a sense I'm not going to be shamed, considering the extreme degree of shame I grew up with I'm leery to let myself be shamed by a therapist even though I really don't think he's going to do that.

[tallslenderguy]

7 minutes ago, ChristophBB said:

And my hesitation is in fact a bit of self protection until I'm sure I have a sense I'm not going to be shamed, considering the extreme degree of shame I grew up with I'm leery to let myself be shamed by a therapist even though I really don't think he's going to do that.

That sounds healthy to me. Fuck shame.  It can take time to distance and work through and past that conditioned response, so i think you are smart to not make yourself vulnerable unless you know you are safe.  Our instincts and fears can be good things, eh?  i personally like to know why i am feeling the way i do, but feelings can be protective either way. They can also keep us trapped in things like "wacko... religion," or under some authority who manipulates feelings, so it makes sense to me to look to understand our feelings.

[ChristophBB]

5 minutes ago, tallslenderguy said:

That sounds healthy to me. Fuck shame.  It can take time to distance and work through and past that conditioned response, so i think you are smart to not make yourself vulnerable unless you know you are safe.  Our instincts and fears can be good things, eh?  i personally like to know why i am feeling the way i do, but feelings can be protective either way. They can also keep us trapped in things like "wacko... religion," or under some authority who manipulates feelings, so it makes sense to me to look to understand our feelings.

Your point about authority figures, displacing one for another is interesting. I was raised Mormon in Utah. They're HYPER authoritarian. The good thing is that it made me leery of authority. I've seen people do exactly what you say, jump from a hyper-authoritarian religious environment into the atheist side of things where science became their new authority. I'm not knocking atheism or science, it was more how I saw how one kind of authority was displaced by another in a way.

But i'm not entirely sure how to talk to the therapist about bareback sex as it relates to my feeling that for me it's actually a healthy direction to take. Because it feels that way. I know there are various degrees and directions I could take, from just occasional hookups with a single guy (which is wha I've done so far) to being whored out and blindfolded at an anonymous hotel. I'm fairly clear in my mind that the later isn't exactly what I want. I would like to try a cumdump thing but a no loads refused, anonymous thing isn't the right form for me.