Bars, Chats, or Current Profile world

[Guest]

We all go through the same "Fuck and Be Fucked" world out of our closets.
It is the single common thing gay men have in common. The second thing is approaching someone and/or turning down someone.

If you went to a Bar before covid-19 and approached someone to speak with them then...
-  you might hookup
- might talk for a bit
- might get "Sorry I'm a little busy"
- and might even get a rude turned back

Do you believe not responding to people, who send electronic items to you, is acceptable, and if yes why?

Do you do the same thing in public when face to face?

Yes I respond to everything sent by a human being because they took time to interact then they deserve a response.

[BootmanLA]

1 hour ago, StickyWetHole said:

Do you believe not responding to people, who send electronic items to you, is acceptable, and if yes why?

Do you do the same thing in public when face to face?

Yes I respond to everything sent by a human being because they took time to interact then they deserve a response.

Not everything, no.

If the first message I get from someone is, say, unlocking a bunch of nude pictures, I don't care how hot they are, I'm very unlikely to respond. And yes, I do (or rather, would do) the same thing to flashers in public face-to-face. I'd be tempted to point and laugh, but today that might get me shot. Muggers are human beings attempting to interact, too, but I don't believe they deserve a response any more than Mr. Virtual Flasher.

I don't mind crude, but if the first message is something both crude AND demonstrates he hasn't read my profile, then I typically don't answer, unless a very curt and blunt answer would work better, e.g.

HIM: Wanna fuck my ass?

ME: Not in the slightest.

If someone sends me a compliment, I say thank you. If I see something to be complimented in return, I do that. Sometimes it's a compliment on something physical, sometimes it's something nicely phrased in his profile; sometimes we have a common interest and I'll mention that. Sometimes it's even just "I've never been to X region, but I'm hoping to get there someday to see Y."

If there's literally nothing in the profile I find even remotely appealing, even as a potential friend, then I typically add "that's very kind of you." And I'll repeat that if he starts getting assertive about his interest, until it's hopefully clear I'm being nice but declining. (If he's nice, and then asks for something directly, I'll respond politely but directly as well - "No, thank you, but again it's kind of you to ask.")

[Guest]

3 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

I don't believe they deserve a response any more than Mr. Virtual Flasher.

I submit into evidence that I remember and am correcting my statement. I too do not respond to a slew of images and not a word.

It's the same struggle I have with responding to something with no punctuation.
I may have to start not responding to people who do not use punctuation. Right now they get the following:
Are you making a statement but missing the period, or are you asking me a question and missing the question mark? I don't know what you need.

Edited September 13, 2020 by StickyWetHole

[ErosWired]

I do not subscribe to the idea that every signal sent by someone else is deserving of a response simply because he sent it. There are three types of contacts, in particular, that I often ignore because they signal that the sender did not take the time to look at my profile long enough to have a genuine interest:

1) “Sup” (and its variants). This amounts, in my view, to nothing more than a ping in the dark. It gives me no clue as to what the person wants, what his interest is, and throws the burden onto me to actively engage. If I were to ping back with something equally neutral such as “not much, you?”, 90% of follow-ups (if any) turn out to be just as useless: “horny” or “bored”. If they were honest, they would at least reply “lazy”.

2) Taps/Oinks/Woofs etc.  On Grindr, my profile specifically states “Do Not Tap Me. If you want to get my attention, use your words.” And yet: tap, tap, tap, tap... I ignore them, because it tells me instantly that they didn’t bother to look at my profile. Does their tap deserve my response? I say no. On other apps, such wolf-whistles are no more useful than “sup” and require even less effort to send. In a real-life cruising situation, how would I be expected to respond to a real-life wolf-whistle from across the room?

3) “Pics”. I have now developed a special reply reserved for those who send me this one-word opening missive. I respond with images of guitar picks, dental picks, icepicks, and assorted other prepared images of different types of picks to try to make sure I cover the topic. Usually at that point they either block me (thank you), express confusion, or then specify “pics of your ass”. To which I reply either “Not a pic trader” or “I only send pics to men who are actually going to fuck me.” And I almost never hear from them again. So in the end, did “pics” deserve a reply? Not really, no, and the effort I took to respond was only to purge the irritation that his rude, selfish and presumptuous demand caused to begin with.

 I actually don’t have as much of an issue with unsolicited cock picks arriving unannounced - I take these as a direct advertisement of interest in fucking, because in my experience that’s usually what they are, rather than simply an attempt to get me to respond with images. I don’t fault them for not having any text because I think of them as sort of picture-being-worth-1000-words (and a fair example of real inches). 🙂

[BootmanLA]

9 hours ago, ErosWired said:

 I actually don’t have as much of an issue with unsolicited cock picks arriving unannounced - I take these as a direct advertisement of interest in fucking, because in my experience that’s usually what they are, rather than simply an attempt to get me to respond with images. I don’t fault them for not having any text because I think of them as sort of picture-being-worth-1000-words (and a fair example of real inches). 🙂

If I actually believed that the typical unsolicited cock pic sent was (a) actually of the guy sending it and (b) he was seriously interested in using it with me, I might feel differently. But somewhere north of 90% of the ones I receive that way are from guys a thousand miles away or more. 

[DarkroomTaker]

12 hours ago, StickyWetHole said:

I submit into evidence that I remember and am correcting my statement. I too do not respond to a slew of images and not a word.

It's the same struggle I have with responding to something with no punctuation.
I may have to start not responding to people who do not use punctuation. Right now they get the following:
Are you making a statement but missing the period, or are you asking me a question and missing the question mark? I don't know what you need.

Yes Sir.

[NLbear]

4 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

If I actually believed that the typical unsolicited cock pic sent was (a) actually of the guy sending it and (b) he was seriously interested in using it with me, I might feel differently. But somewhere north of 90% of the ones I receive that way are from guys a thousand miles away or more. 

That's a reguar issue. It's like they're fishing for compliments on their equipment. What else? It's not likely we're going to meet.

[BootmanLA]

1 hour ago, NLbear said:

That's a reguar issue. It's like they're fishing for compliments on their equipment. What else? It's not likely we're going to meet.

or fishing for more pictures of photogenic cocks and/or asses to jack off to. My middle name is not 'FreePorn4u".

[bbzh]

@StickyWetHole: to your first question, I feel it is perfectly acceptable to ignore guys who photo bomb me because to me it is a violation of sorts - even if I like the photos.  I think it's very narcissistic and suggests that the sender feels he should not be rejected. It's as if he's saying "If you don't want this, then something is wrong with you." Anyway, I usually get a chuckle out of it while I'm ignoring the dude because he inevitably ends up sending at least one very unflattering photo where I think, "Ewww, thank you for making this so easy."😂 

You then ask if I would react the same way in public when face to face. Yes. Let me say this: much of what makes online chatting so complex is that we don't have the ability to send or receive visual cues. In a bar, I can do all sorts of things to let you know we're not going to connect - ignore you, stare at other guys, move when you get too close, or look at you and shake my head, to name a few. This is trickier online, and as mentioned by @ErosWired above, folks are often lazy or stingy with their words. Is my big juicy ass not worthy of a short conversation?  I sometimes think if we were actually hearing the other person's voice while chatting online, the interactions would be starkly different.

May I also point out that we're all fucked up on some level and can be very inconsistent in certain situations based on our mood that day? I say this because I'm usually not interested at all in guys who claim to be bi, in an open relationship or married - or those who are not exactly my type, but, if these same guys catch me at the right moment and say the right thing, these butt cheeks will magically open.  In fact, two of my regulars are in relationships (one with a woman), but it's the way they approached me that got them the pussy. 

Too often, people online are not their authentic selves and use the opportunity to titillate others, with no intention of ever meeting. Nevertheless, I do try to behave online as I do in the real world, and I wish other guys would do the same. You can't expect me to give you a pass on antisocial, odd and narcissistic behavior in public, so don't try that shit with me online either. An unsolicited message from a stranger online is the same thing as an unsolicited call from a telemarketer. Yeah, go ahead and shoot your shot, but I don't have to engage you, much in the same way that women don't have to engage a man who catcalls them. And no, you are not entitled to a gentle let down just because you're horny and you feel you deserve my attention. You're hunting - and guess what? It ain't no fun when the rabbit got the gun.  🐰😆

[ErosWired]

14 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

If I actually believed that the typical unsolicited cock pic sent was (a) actually of the guy sending it and (b) he was seriously interested in using it with me, I might feel differently. But somewhere north of 90% of the ones I receive that way are from guys a thousand miles away or more. 

@BootmanLA and @NLbear - Interesting that your experience with these is so different from mine, that the ones passed to me tend to be genuine while the ones passed to you don’t. I’m not saying by any means that I don’t get false cock pics, but I do find that most of the ones I get are precursors to an actual cunting, and most of the equipment appears to arrive as advertised. Not always, but mostly.

 I wonder what accounts for the difference? Perhaps the nature of what’s on offer in the profile? My profiles are pretty candid about what I’m there for, so maybe some simply don’t bother trying to solicit pics or compliments from someone blatantly intent on fuckwhoring. And when it’s spelled out in no uncertain terms that I’m going to take a cock no matter what it looks like, why bother trying to impress me?

Honestly. I could be making so many men very happy, if they would just step up and take what’s on the table, for free, right in front of them. Yet they don’t. Men are weird.

[tallslenderguy]

On 9/12/2020 at 10:46 PM, BootmanLA said:

 

If the first message I get from someone is, say, unlocking a bunch of nude pictures, I don't care how hot they are, I'm very unlikely to respond. And yes, I do (or rather, would do) the same thing to flashers in public face-to-face. I'd be tempted to point and laugh, but today that might get me shot. Muggers are human beings attempting to interact, too, but I don't believe they deserve a response any more than Mr. Virtual Flasher.

 

i think the comparison between a "flasher in public" and someone "unlocking a bunch of rude pictures" (what constitutes "rude"?) on an electronic hook up site doesn't really work?  Your avatar pic here is pretty flashy, and this is a discussion forum, not really a hook up site.  Why is it "rude" for a guy to send you "a bunch of nude pics" on a gay site and not rude for you to have a nude avatar? 

[BootmanLA]

I'd say there is a difference in that on this site, public nude shots like mine are acceptable to the moderators and it's clear upon joining that you can see publicly viewable nude shots. For the real world, I'd say it's the equivalent of going into the Folsom Street Fair or perhaps a bathhouse. You know what to expect. 

By contrast, most mainstream hookup/dating apps - probably because they're available in app stores - restrict publicly viewable pictures to somewhere between PG-13 and R ratings. They're more like a mainstream gay bar, where you can probably get away with chaps over a bare ass, but not without a jock or codpiece. 

If I were in such a bar, and some guy dropped his shorts and underwear, I'd equate that to public flashing, whereas I wouldn't at Folsom or Dore Alley or other similar street fairs.

[BootmanLA]

I'd also note: I'm not calling for the (real or virtual) flashers to be arrested or barred from the websites or whatever. I'm saying I'm under no real or imagined obligation to treat that behavior as the equivalent of a friendly "hello" that common decency requires acknowledgement.

[120DaysofSodom]

Being approached by somebody in a bar is not the same as receiving messages from somebody over the internet or through a phone app. Its just not. Some of us are inundated with messages from a billion different people and if you took the time to respond to every single message you would never have time for yourself. Its the same with living in a city and giving out your money to the homeless. If you gave out money to the homeless every single time you passed them on the street, you would never have any money left for yourself.

That said, in neither situation is anybody obligated to give you the time of day. To feel entitled to their attention is egotistical and narcissistic. Whether somebody chooses to engage with you is up to them, and if they're interested in you or not, that is up to them, and its rather absurd to demand anything from people that owe you nothing.

[ErosWired]

6 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

Why is it "rude" for a guy to send you "a bunch of nude pics" on a gay site and not rude for you to have a nude avatar? 

The difference is that the avatar is a representation intended for general view by anyone and not directed specifically at the individual being approached in an assertive way, as are nude pics that suddenly pop up on a one-on-one instant message. The pics that are sent actively target the recipient and carry with them the implication of obligation: I’ve shown you my intimate parts, so to be fair you should show me yours. This presumption is what makes them rude - the avatar doesn’t do the same thing in that it imparts no sense of expectation that a viewer should respond with an avatar in kind. While there is no actual obligation for the recipient of revealing pics to respond, people tend to seek a kind of equilibrium with others in social interactions because parity makes interaction easier...usually. Except in this case, the recipient is made uncomfortable by a sudden demand for intimate personal information, and this frustrates his instinct to form a connection. The rudeness comes from placing the recipient in this awkward position.

Looked at another way, it’s the difference between a man with no pants on walking down the street minding his own business and another man walking up to you personally and flashing you nude in his trenchcoat - you may find both uncouth, and both are likely to be arrested for indecent exposure, but the one you’re really going to be annoyed at is the guy in the trenchcoat because he got personal.