In love with my best friend

[EthanAlan]

I am a gay guy that is in love with my best friend (he is not gay) of 50 years. He does not know I am gay and I really wish that he knew how I feel about him. But I am scared that if he finds out that I am gay, he will not want to be my friend anymore. 
I need your advice and tips of how to make love with my best friend.

[Aerach]

If the two of you have been friends for 50 years, I don’t think he’s going to end your friendship if he finds out you’re gay. Maybe he already knows, but hasn’t said anything because he’s respecting your privacy. On the other hand, if he doesn’t know, there’ll be a bumpy period of adjustment: not so much because you’re gay (unless he’s a homophobe to begin with), but that he’s missed the fact for half a century. No one likes to feel stupid, or worse, deceived.

Telling him you love him is a whole other issue. Best friends... of course there’s love there, whether he’s ever consciously thought about it in those terms or not. He loves you as a friend, as a brother, possibly even as family. But that’s not the same as a lover, or spouse. 

There’s no way for me to offer good advice without knowing your friend and his circumstances: is he married? Widower? Has he talked about missing sex and affection? For that matter, I don’t know enough about your mutual history: have you been casually naked together, or jerked off together before? All of these are factors that would influence how you should or should not proceed.

[EthanAlan]

He is divorced. We have been naked together as kids being curious .  When I stay over at his house, we do sleep in the same bed. I have wanted many time to put my arms around him and tell him that I want to make him feel good. But I “chicken out”. 
I feel that he is my soul mate. 
One time years ago, he got very drunk and I have to take him home and help him into the bed. When I got him undressed, he got a hard on and I rubbed his cock and it got harder. I did suck his cock for about 15 minutes. I know he was awake but he just kept his eyes closed and squirmed around some and he did not stop. I never said anything about that night. I would love to relive that night over and over. 
We never discussed that night. 
over time, I have tried to bring up topics about gay guys and we would make negative comments. One comment he has said is, “If that is what they want to do, that is their business as long as they do not bother me”. With that comment, I am scared to death to tell him that I am gay. If I lost his friendship, I will be so depressed. 
i even that I would write a note to a fake person about meeting and maybe having sex. Then accidentally leave it in his house for him to find latter. Then, maybe he will approach me about me being gay. 
what do you think?

[EthanAlan]

He is divorced. We have been naked together as kids being curious .  When I stay over at his house, we do sleep in the same bed. I have wanted many time to put my arms around him and tell him that I want to make him feel good. But I “chicken out”. 
I feel that he is my soul mate. 
One time years ago, he got very drunk and I have to take him home and help him into the bed. When I got him undressed, he got a hard on and I rubbed his cock and it got harder. I did suck his cock for about 15 minutes. I know he was awake but he just kept his eyes closed and squirmed around some and he did not stop me. I never said anything about that night. I would love to relive that night over and over. 
We never discussed that night. 
over time, I have tried to bring up topics about gay guys and he would make negative comments. One comment he has said is, “If that is what they want to do, that is their business as long as they do not bother me”. With that comment, I am scared to death to tell him that I am gay. If I lost his friendship, I will be so depressed. 
i even that I would write a note to a fake person about meeting and maybe having sex. Then accidentally leave it in his house for him to find latter. Then, maybe he will approach me about me being gay. 
what do you think?

[DarkroomTaker]

7 hours ago, Aerach said:

If the two of you have been friends for 50 years, I don’t think he’s going to end your friendship if he finds out you’re gay. Maybe he already knows, but hasn’t said anything because he’s respecting your privacy. On the other hand, if he doesn’t know, there’ll be a bumpy period of adjustment: not so much because you’re gay (unless he’s a homophobe to begin with), but that he’s missed the fact for half a century. No one likes to feel stupid, or worse, deceived.

Telling him you love him is a whole other issue. Best friends... of course there’s love there, whether he’s ever consciously thought about it in those terms or not. He loves you as a friend, as a brother, possibly even as family. But that’s not the same as a lover, or spouse. 

There’s no way for me to offer good advice without knowing your friend and his circumstances: is he married? Widower? Has he talked about missing sex and affection? For that matter, I don’t know enough about your mutual history: have you been casually naked together, or jerked off together before? All of these are factors that would influence how you should or should not proceed.

I like this response and agree with the OP.

[BootmanLA]

On 10/24/2020 at 7:23 PM, EthanAlan said:

I am a gay guy that is in love with my best friend (he is not gay) of 50 years. He does not know I am gay and I really wish that he knew how I feel about him. But I am scared that if he finds out that I am gay, he will not want to be my friend anymore. 
I need your advice and tips of how to make love with my best friend.

You have two issues here, and they should be dealt with separately.

First is the question of telling him you're gay. Only you can decide whether to do it or not, but here's the question you have to ask yourself - and only you can answer it. Is my friendship with him, based in part on the lie that he thinks I'm straight, worth more than being able to be honest about who I am with people who say they care about me?

There's no right answer to that, especially since you're presumably a man in your late 50's or early 60's at least. You've lived the majority of your life without telling him you're gay; obviously it still bothers you to some extent, but you have to make a choice: keep the friendship, or risk it for honesty. There's no guarantee you'll lose his friendship, but there's also no guarantee you'll keep it, and if you do keep it, you may find he treats you differently. What's more important to you?

The second question only arises IF and when you've told him you're gay. If he freaks out, or even if he tells you that it's okay but he doesn't want to talk about it or hear anything about the gay part of your life, then you know it's pointless to bring up how you feel to him. Even if he accepts you being gay and says it doesn't matter to him, though, you still have to decide whether to share that other bombshell with him. In that light, it's good to remember what he told you, in his own words: "If that is what they want to do, that is their business as long as they do not bother me." Those do not sound like the words of a closeted gay man aching to have his best friend open up to him about his love.

Frankly, if I were you, I'd be looking for more openly gay friends in your age bracket to befriend, just so you don't feel so alone. You don't mention whether you know others, but frankly, you don't need "tips on how to make love with my best friend". Holding out hope for what sounds like an extraordinarily unlikely outcome, and meanwhile letting all of life just pass you by, sounds romantic in a Victorian novel but it's a shitty way to live an actual life.

[EthanAlan]

Thanks BootmanLA. That makes a lot of sense. I would rather keep him as my best friend than risk losing him. 
maybe one day, he will just tell me that he knows. 

[mblad99]

Friends who are in their late fifties early sixties sleep in the same bed?   He is divorced, is he dating anyone?   Skip the "I am gay"  During one of your "sleepovers" go for beer, porn, and are you horny?  If it is yes, follow through, then tell him you are gay.  If its no, keep it yourself.  I got a feeling he knows, and doesn't care.

[bbzh]

Society pretty much assumes that any guy over 40, unmarried, and without kids is gay. And if you're not talking to your friend about dating women after all these years, he knows you're gay. I do think you should consider coming out to him because it will liberate you as you are living a lie. (If you do, first do some googling for tips on how to do this since you are deeply closeted). I don't think you should come on to him. Just put that out of your mind. I don't think it's wise to risk losing a 50+ year friendship over sex. Find another cock to suck. If you're feeling lonely, make more friends, but don't try to turn platonic friendships into romantic ones.