Poly dating

[Guest]

Hi there...curious if any other guys on here have experience with polyamourous dating. My husband and i would like to expand our family...im 49 and hes 46. Were both completely versatile,  and while we love sex, just as important is finding a guy that wants to share his life and love with us (in and out of the bedroom). In western nc and dont even really know how to find like minded men. Any advice??

[a2nudist]

I am part of a triad relationship.    My husband and I have been together 20 years.    Our "boy" joined us 8 years ago.    Like any relationship there are some bumps in the road.    Early on my husband was jealous of the sexual attention I gave the boy but we worked through that through some conversations and making sure he got sexual attention as well.      Now things run very smoothly.   It now feels more like a family to me than having a boy toy.     There are activities that I do with him, like sailing and estate sales and different activities that he does with my husband without me around.     And, of course we do things with all three of us like dinners, vacations, etc.   In fact, we took 4 vacations in May and June this year and had a great time with all three of us together.     One note is that some hotels and gay resorts are not always set up for 3 men in a hotel room.

If you had told me years ago I would be in a triad I would be saying, you're crazy.    Now I actually am surprised how much I enjoy my "family."     The other morning I went into the bedroom and noticed that the two of them were cuddled up together sleeping.   They both looked so happy and content sleeping soundly spooning.     It made me happy to see them cuddled up.

 

[SoCalBBversbttm]

16 hours ago, a2nudist said:

I am part of a triad relationship.    My husband and I have been together 20 years.    Our "boy" joined us 8 years ago.    Like any relationship there are some bumps in the road.    Early on my husband was jealous of the sexual attention I gave the boy but we worked through that through some conversations and making sure he got sexual attention as well.      Now things run very smoothly.   It now feels more like a family to me than having a boy toy.     There are activities that I do with him, like sailing and estate sales and different activities that he does with my husband without me around.     And, of course we do things with all three of us like dinners, vacations, etc.   In fact, we took 4 vacations in May and June this year and had a great time with all three of us together.     One note is that some hotels and gay resorts are not always set up for 3 men in a hotel room.

If you had told me years ago I would be in a triad I would be saying, you're crazy.    Now I actually am surprised how much I enjoy my "family."     The other morning I went into the bedroom and noticed that the two of them were cuddled up together sleeping.   They both looked so happy and content sleeping soundly spooning.     It made me happy to see them cuddled up.

 

Love to hear more about this as I a, exploring this with my husband as well.  Is there a primary in the triad, what are the sleeping arrangements, how do you handle day to day problems?  Happy for you and would like something similar.

[tallslenderguy]

Poly makes sense to me on several levels for those looking for ongoing relationship with more than one person  vs open relationship. I think traditional heteronormative relationship has a lot of holes, and not usually the fuckable kind. It makes sense to me that more people means more needs/desires being met, but requires maturity and commitment to certain principles of relationship.

When I first divorced, I thought I might be Bi ( I’m not), so poly made sense fro that perspective and I dated a Ftm who was in relationship with a woman and both were looking for a third. Didn’t work sexually for me  and helped me realize I’m gay, not bi, but there was a lot I liked about the relationship. I could see myself in a relationship with other gay guys, and there are poly sites where people are looking.

[BootmanLA]

Bear in mind there are many models for polyamorous relationships, none of which is intrinsically superior to any other (or to monogamous or open relationships or to being single). What matters is that you two - and any additional partner(s) you bring into your relationship - all understand and agree on how the relationship is going to work.

For instance, I know of triads where there's a dominant guy (not in the BDSM sense), who has a husband as well as a boy, the boy being primarily attached to the dominant (sort of like a junior husband). I know of triads where all three partners consider each other equals in all senses. I know of poly situations where there's a core married couple, and each partner has one or more other partners of varying descriptions - One such couple, one husband has a boyfriend in addition to his husband, while the other husband has a pup/boy, The husband with the boyfriend goes on dates, occasionally, with the boyfriend, who nonetheless knows the husbands are primary to each other; the pup/boy is strictly there for fun and play, and neither of them live with the couple.

And so on. What matters is what YOU two want. For instance, if you want three equal partners in the relationship, how would you plan to handle things like spousal benefits at work, where likely only the worker and one of his partners is likely to be recognized? If you two own a house, and you bring in a third, are you willing to sell him a partial interest in your home? Will his contributions to the household count towards equity in what you all jointly own? There are a lot of questions like this that will come up if things get serious, and you probably ought to consult a gay-friendly lawyer with legal experience in such relationships, if for no other reason than to be aware of the things you should be watching for.

[Guest Lucien666]

I agree 100%. There is no one way. It’s what works best for you. 

[a2nudist]

As far as the sleeping arrangements we generally sleep all in a king bed.      For many years our "boy" liked to be in the middle because that made him feel secure.     Now sometimes I am in the middle because he generally gets up early.     Sometimes if one of us is not feeling well or one of us is needing a good night's sleep we're also use the guest room.   However, our boy (the third) tends to get upset when we do not all sleep together.    Even if it is just sleep he gets pretty unhappy about it.     Sometimes if we are at the lake house I will go to one of our guest rooms so the boy and my husband can watch TV in bed.     I actually like this one particular bed in one of our guest rooms so I often try to say "Oh, I'll let you guys stay up and watch TV."   I don't mind going to a guest room.     Truth  be told I find this one particular bed really cozy and soft.        This does upset him a lot so I can't do it every time we're at the lake.   

I would say that my husband and I remain primary.    We have had to be really careful not to make the boy feel excluded.    He sometimes feels that he's in the way.     It really is based on our language.   An example might be we might call him and say we're going to stop at a particular restaurant on the way home from work. (My husband and I work at the same place).     Sometimes if we don't immediately follow-up with do you want to meet us there he will say Oh, are you sure?   So there still after all these years remains a little bit of insecurity based on some childhood issues.   So we're really careful about language.

Another thing we did was make sure he had closet space and a whole dresser to himself.   We try to make sure that on things like that everything is equal.   We also all have keys to the cars and drive them interchangably.   No longer his car, my car, etc.

Day to day is usually not too much of a problem.   One thing has also helped is making sure that the work and social schedule is clearly communicated well in advance so no-one is surprised.

Not sure if this answered all your questions.   Feel free to ask anything else.

 

 

[ErosWired]

I think the biggest obstacle to more couples trying this is the difficulty in finding a man named Polly.

[Naruto]

There is a local couple who want to develop a poly with me.  I'm interested but what holds me back is that I don't think they have that happy a marriage.  The older guy has good relationship skills but seems to spend a lot of time and effort managing the younger one (neither is young) who had a rough childhood and still has a lot of issues.  And that's another reason - the younger guy is somewhat volatile so I feel like I have to be careful around him.  Maybe I just haven't spent enough time getting to know them yet, but sometimes I feel like it's walking into a minefield. 

 

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by Interceptor

[BootmanLA]

On 8/28/2021 at 6:39 AM, Interceptor said:

There is a local couple who want to develop a poly with me.  I'm interested but what holds me back is that I don't think they have that happy a marriage.  The older guy has good relationship skills but seems to spend a lot of time and effort managing the younger one (neither is young) who had a rough childhood and still has a lot of issues.  And that's another reason - the younger guy is somewhat volatile so I feel like I have to be careful around him.  Maybe I just haven't spent enough time getting to know them yet, but sometimes I feel like it's walking into a minefield. 

I certainly am not in a position to advise you "yes or no" on that, but I will say it's good that you're aware of this potentially turbulent situation.

What I would do, if *I* were in your situation, is talk with them - individually, and together - about what they see happening in the relationship, what they want from it and from you, and what they think they can bring to this "enhanced" relationship. And then I'd listen very closely to their responses. For instance, try to get a feel for whether the older guy is looking for an ally in his "management" of his partner, or is looking for someone less volatile to enjoy doing certain things with (in or out of bed). Is the younger one looking for a partner who WON'T be "managing" him? In other words, there's a chance each is looking for a new partner that will be "different" in some ways from the partner he has; that's ok on its face, but if the issues where they want "different from what they have" are the same, and one expects you to be X and the other expects you to be Y, that's a potential disaster in the making.

[PupLucca]

On 8/24/2021 at 5:14 PM, BBcouplefor3rd said:

Hi there...curious if any other guys on here have experience with polyamourous dating. My husband and i would like to expand our family...im 49 and hes 46. Were both completely versatile,  and while we love sex, just as important is finding a guy that wants to share his life and love with us (in and out of the bedroom). In western nc and dont even really know how to find like minded men. Any advice??

My husband and I  ( I’m 51 he’s 25 and the bf is 41)  are poly and we’ve had a few missteps in finding a good fit. But, the current bf seems to fit in just right.  Still open to a fourth or more.  One of our main requirements are that the guy is poz already or. Possibly a chaser of which he gets his gift from me and remains as part if our family forever not just a fuck and go.  It just takes the right blending of personality and goals jointly shared.   It can and does work and I wish you and your husband the best

[PhoenixTriad]

On 8/24/2021 at 3:29 PM, a2nudist said:

I am part of a triad relationship.    My husband and I have been together 20 years.    Our "boy" joined us 8 years ago.    Like any relationship there are some bumps in the road.    Early on my husband was jealous of the sexual attention I gave the boy but we worked through that through some conversations and making sure he got sexual attention as well.      Now things run very smoothly.   It now feels more like a family to me than having a boy toy.     There are activities that I do with him, like sailing and estate sales and different activities that he does with my husband without me around.     And, of course we do things with all three of us like dinners, vacations, etc.   In fact, we took 4 vacations in May and June this year and had a great time with all three of us together.     One note is that some hotels and gay resorts are not always set up for 3 men in a hotel room.

If you had told me years ago I would be in a triad I would be saying, you're crazy.    Now I actually am surprised how much I enjoy my "family."     The other morning I went into the bedroom and noticed that the two of them were cuddled up together sleeping.   They both looked so happy and content sleeping soundly spooning.     It made me happy to see them cuddled up.

 

Our poly sounds very much like yours

[PupLucca]

30 minutes ago, PhoenixTriad said:

Our poly sounds very much like yours

That’s fantastic.  Yeah we have quabbles but we talk it out.  It’s usually just a misunderstanding. Communication is always key

[bareback-flipflop]

I like this triad idea. However, I would be happy one guy who is open for an open relationship (I mean cruising together, threesome, moresomes, Orgies, visiting saunas, cruising bars together, etc.)

This is how I connect to the original topic. Are you who live in poliamor relationship (in triad) open for sex with others (Out of your family)? Together or solo. No offence, I’m just curious. I never knew any gay guys who lived in a relationship like yours.