Erection Rejection

[PendragonSpirit]

Despite the clever wordplay of the subject, this actually is a serious question. For whatever reason, I am simply unable to get or maintain a hardon during sex. Never have been able to. I can get it up when I'm masturbating, with or without porn, but for some reason the introduction of another person touching me immediately causes everything down below to take a vacation. It's really frustrating, even as a fairly committed bottom, because sometimes there ARE guys who want to enjoy sucking off their bottom, and I'm at least slightly interested in exploring a more... versatile outlook.

Since everything works when I fly solo, it doesn't seem to be a physical issue, just a mental block. Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you overcome it? Did you overcome it? Any advice or thoughts or anecdotal experience is welcome.

[Guest]

Don't take this as medical advice, I am just saying what helps for me. The day before I stop taking any meds that contribute to ED; I also have found making sure I am laying down flat helps, as well as trying any meds that relax blood vessels. It also helps if you can find a friend or relationship or someone who could be patient with you and create a sense of comfort and is willing to milk all your holes until you go, regardless of ED, you can have orgasm and not be hard, it will just take time and practice

[hungry_hole]

4 hours ago, PendragonSpirit said:

For whatever reason, I am simply unable to get or maintain a hardon during sex.

If you were talking about fucking women I would see it as a problem, but one of the many advantages of sex with men is that you can be a committed bottom and ignore your cock, something many bottoms do all the time.

I've been a bottom for decades and who hasn't fucked and bred too many holes but from hearing the many moans, groans and dirty-talk out of a guy's mouth while he unloads in my hole, I know that fucking and breeding can be a hot experience, even for bottom guys.

4 hours ago, PendragonSpirit said:

...and I'm at least slightly interested in exploring a more... versatile outlook.

This tells me that you recognize that topping may be fun and worth while exploring. I don't know much about you and what you are into. Assuming you are open to kinky/group sex I would recommend you go to a bathhouse with different environments and find the one you like.

In a bathhouse it's easy to get horny just by watching guys having sex. Plus you can always try fucking someone and if it doesn't work nobody will be offended. It happens all the time. Eventually you'll find a loaded hole that will turn you on when you stick your fingers and find the cum leaking out.  In a one-on-one encounter not getting a hard-on may be more of a problem than at a bathhouse.

[BootmanLA]

Since, as you say, there's nothing physically wrong with the plumbing, I'd suggest seeing if you can find a sex therapist in your area, particularly one who's gay friendly. There are undoubtedly techniques that can be tried, and so forth, but a therapist is likely to give better, more specific advice - and may be able to also help get to the root of your performance anxiety issues.

[ErosWired]

The cock gets hard because the brain, at some level, tells it to. Even Viagra only works if “the spirit is willing”. For some reason, therefore, your brain is shutting off the “hard” switch when another person enters the picture.

An erection is actually a rather complicated process that requires a number of factors to be properly in place, any of which being off can cause a scrub of the mission (I sometimes compare getting and keeping a solid boner to launching the Space Shuttle.) Just this evening my go-to Top was telling me that the reason he hadn’t fucked me for two weeks was that his blood pressure had spiked and caused an ED problem. Blood pressure, lack of rest, performance anxiety, unwanted thoughts of your grandmother... lots of things can sink the ship. Try to think about the state of mind you’re in when you’re solo, and compare it to the state of mind you’re in when someone else is there. How are they different? What makes that feeling different? Try to narrow down the factor that separates success from failure.

Do you, by any chance, use poppers when you’re with someone? It could be as simple as that - poppers kill erections, and nothing you can do will revive a poppered penis until it wears off.

Have you tried taking Viagra (sildenafil) to assist with the problem? It might be worth talking to your doctor about trying a test dose or two to see if it helps - just don’t do it with poppers.

One possible alternative if you just can’t get past whatever mental blockage is going on is to talk to your doctor about trying Caverject (alprostadil), an ED treatment that is injected directly into your cock (nowhere near as horrifying as it sounds, I’ve done it). This treatment will stiffen you up regardless of your mental state. You may, however, need a referral to a urologist in order to get it prescribed; some general practitioners may not go for it.

Good luck - you can get past this.

[MuscledHorse]

I would add to @ErosWired's excellent post, Trimix (also prescription) is also a great option s well. It's what I use, and you will be hard no matter what.

[PendragonSpirit]

8 hours ago, ErosWired said:

The cock gets hard because the brain, at some level, tells it to. Even Viagra only works if “the spirit is willing”. For some reason, therefore, your brain is shutting off the “hard” switch when another person enters the picture.

An erection is actually a rather complicated process that requires a number of factors to be properly in place, any of which being off can cause a scrub of the mission (I sometimes compare getting and keeping a solid boner to launching the Space Shuttle.) Just this evening my go-to Top was telling me that the reason he hadn’t fucked me for two weeks was that his blood pressure had spiked and caused an ED problem. Blood pressure, lack of rest, performance anxiety, unwanted thoughts of your grandmother... lots of things can sink the ship. Try to think about the state of mind you’re in when you’re solo, and compare it to the state of mind you’re in when someone else is there. How are they different? What makes that feeling different? Try to narrow down the factor that separates success from failure.

Do you, by any chance, use poppers when you’re with someone? It could be as simple as that - poppers kill erections, and nothing you can do will revive a poppered penis until it wears off.

Have you tried taking Viagra (sildenafil) to assist with the problem? It might be worth talking to your doctor about trying a test dose or two to see if it helps - just don’t do it with poppers.

One possible alternative if you just can’t get past whatever mental blockage is going on is to talk to your doctor about trying Caverject (alprostadil), an ED treatment that is injected directly into your cock (nowhere near as horrifying as it sounds, I’ve done it). This treatment will stiffen you up regardless of your mental state. You may, however, need a referral to a urologist in order to get it prescribed; some general practitioners may not go for it.

Good luck - you can get past this.

That's actually a really good point. I think one of the biggest differences in solo vs. with another is that solo, my mind is more free to wander through various fantasies that I don't always feel comfortable sharing with a partner/group/total stranger. I mean, it's a little awkward to tell the guy you're with "Hey, I'm gonna beg you to stop but I don't want you to actually stop and oh if you could just wrap your hand around my throat while you plow me like a farmer's field and piss on me afterwards, that'd be swell. The safe word is 'french toast.'"

Joking aside, that is something I hadn't considered, and maybe I should be more up-front about kinks/fetishes when I'm getting with a partner. 

I think part of it, as well, is I'm not really comfortable with my own body and when I'm by myself, that anxiety isn't there. 

I don't do poppers, though - honestly, while the rush is there, they mostly just give me a headache. I've considered trying Viagra/Sildenafil but I haven't spoken to a doc about it or anything.

Anyway, thank you - and everyone - for the feedback.

[funpozbottom]

Oh. I see that in the time it took me to write this you pretty much answered yourself. but here's my reply anyway....

 

As we age, our bodies change. One change is that it tends to take longer to get an erection and harder to keep it. This can start at any age, and for a number of reasons -- both physical and mental. It's usually more apparent when you are with a partner since you can control all the mental variables when you are jerking off alone. But with a partner, you can start to second guess yourself by comparing it to a solo session and expecting the same results.  Here are a few things to consider about the way you have sex:

1 Are you horny? I mean, are you really horny? We tend to fall into patterns with how often we cum, but sometimes we need extra time to recharge. Try extending the time between ejaculations so that when you do have sex, you really want to cum.

2. Are you turned on by your partner?  When you're a teen, everything makes you hard because everything is a novel experience. But once you've been around and had the opportunity to experience different things, they start to lose the thrill. There is nothing wrong with anonymous or one-off encounters (they're the type I personally prefer) however, finding a partner you really connect with or exploring new kinks might "stiffen" your outlook on sex.

3. Are you self-sabotaging?  I know personally that, as a bottom, I put myself in a submissive mind set that makes getting an erection difficult. On the other hand, there are times that I want to get hard but then start to worry about whether I'll get hard and it's only been a few seconds but shouldn't I be getting hard by now? And then I end up worrying myself out of an erection. So, consider whether you have performance anxieties when you're with a partner, or can you just going with the flow to let things unfold as they will.

While you can self-sabotage and talk yourself out of an erection, it is also possible to do the opposite by finding a scene that really turns you on, adopting a more dominant mind set, or getting a little boost from a supplement or "boner pill".  Most over the counter ED supplements are crap and little more than placebos. but the fun fact is that placebos have an effect about 50% of the time, and they are that effective whether or not you know they are placebos. It's chance value, but if you merely need something to help you talk yourself into that boner, go to the health food store and pick up some Horny Goat Weed or a vitamin tablet that you tell yourself will strengthen your erection and see if it helps.

4. Are you maintaining your physical body?  The pandemic has fucked up a lot of things so check in on your diet. Also consider whether you are getting enough exercise, and getting enough sleep. Also monitor your stress level.  All of these can have an effect on your ability to have sex and all are within your control. 

5. Have you talked to your doctor? Physical changes often are subtle. If you haven't talked to your doctor, you may want to rule out some things like elevated blood pressure, enlarging prostate or other physical issues. He could also prescribe an ED med. And even if the issue is mental, taking a low dose ED med could give you the support you need to perform as you would like.

Edited October 24, 2021 by funpozbottom

[phukhole]

I love the suggestions provided so far and agree with all of them.  Personally, I use trimix, but then I’m primarily a bottom and don’t tip on a regular basis. I am fine with that, but when I do too, I want to be able to perform. Anxiety, body image, blood pressure - all add to my, specific, ED contributors, but trimix eases that and I can perform. Find the things that really turn you on a partner that enjoys that and you should be good to go.  It sounds like you’re cockblocking yourself. You need to be your own wingman instead. ❤️

[Treehugger]

I hope you will keep us updated on your progress. I’ve had my issues with ed related to depression and body issues. It can be really difficult to maintain a boner when your mind just isn’t in sync. 
    By the way you are a funny guy and that is very sexy to me.