Any regrets about being closeted?

[Caged]

I’m a 55 yo closeted gay MWM.  I had my first gay sexual experience when I was 13 and knew I was gay from a young age.  But by the time I left home and was coming of age and eager to explore my sexuality the AIDS pandemic of the early 1980’s was in full swing.  I saw gay men dying everywhere and I was afraid to be myself.  So I ended up living the lie of pretending to be straight.  I’m on my 3rd marriage and now it’s struggling too.  I actually have loved all of my wives, but I was never truly interested in them sexually.  Im grateful that today’s society is more excepting of gay men, but it wasn’t like that when I grew up.  I’m still caught up in the horrible lie and feel like there is no way out without hurting a lot of people.  
 

Does anyone else experience guilt about being in the closet and pretending to be straight?

[Guest]

I'm 58 and not completely out. I am to my family and immediate friends, but I keep my private life private. I don't pretend to be straight.

Times were different for us when we were coming of age, and those were the formative years that shaped our personality.  It was not an easy lifestyle like it is today where kids come out at 13 and they have parties for them. If anyone ever asked me if I was gay, I froze. I hated the word gay. Now they identify as LGBT which sounds like an exclusive club. I was scared all throughout high school, and when I finally went to college, I felt a sigh of relief because I discovered gay clubs, and there were tons of them! There was no hook up apps, we went cruising. I used to hang out in the library and read the Village Voice. It was then I discovered all the ads in the back for adult places in NYC, The Adonis, Mineshaft, Anvil, Spike, Eagle, not to mention all the places on Fire Island.

Just when I was ready to come out to my family, AIDS hits the scene, sending me back  into the closet. By the time PREP came along I was practically 50, too old and no longer hot, and was not getting laid much.

I hope retirement is better.

 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Muscledadbod

[BootmanLA]

If I had to hazard a guess, I would think most men who remain closeted have serious regrets about it - even if, looking back, they don't see any way they could have done differently.

I, too, am 58, and came out to friends at the age of 18 (in 1981, just as AIDS was beginning to ravage the gay community). As tough as it was, sometimes, I guarantee it wouldn't have been "easier" if I'd stayed closeted and pretended to be straight. I'd just have traded one set of problems for another, much more pernicious set. And while I have regrets about some of the things I haven't done, I have ZERO regrets about coming out at the start of adulthood. I didn't leave a trail of broken marriages in my wake, I don't have kids who can't understand why Dad doesn't actually like women, and I don't have ulcers from worrying about who might find out.

That's not to say everyone else should have done the same. But I've never known any closeted man in his late middle age or older who looked back and was happy with the life he'd led.

[leatherpunk16]

I was born in a time when AIDS was just emerging. But "gay" wasn't really accepted where I grew up, and being myself got me in trouble as a teen and young adult. So I was forced to remain in the closet until my very late 20s. Everyone knew, but we didn't discuss it, and I certainly wasn't "out and proud" about it. I didn't advertise it. Partly due to a lack of education, and partly due to avoiding trouble with peers and family. 

But some of my peers WERE out, some during high school or college, and I regret not following that and allowing myself to explore. Because I was safe there, I stayed and didn't allow myself to grow. I feel like I missed out on the best years of gay, but I know now that I did NOT. My "best years" didn't come until my mid 30s, and now I'm in a more liberal city where no one really cares if you're queer. 

Do I still go out and explore and enjoy? Not really. Damn Covid and inflation and massive debt kinda take away from such fun things.

[hungry_hole]

20 hours ago, Caged said:

I actually have loved all of my wives, but I was never truly interested in them sexually.

I don't think most married men are crazy horny to have sex with their wives because most men prefer anonymous/casual/impersonal sex, which is the reason I like sex with men.

Women take sex too seriously but for men sex is a fun activity which is even more fun between men because all have the same attitude towards sex. With women men have to restrict the fetishes they may want to experience but with men the sky is the limit for raunchy activities.

Women offer very little to men in term of raunchy sex so men turn to men to get it for free.

[tallslenderguy]

"Closets" come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and i think most people have them. To me, in a general sense, a closet is a place you hide the parts of yourself that you don't want certain people to see. "Hiding" is usually motivated by fear or anxiety over the negative response/s one might get if seen.  

i think most peoples use of closets is selective. I.e., one may be in the closet at their church, job, with their wife, kids, parents, yet have a separate life with FB's, gay friends, open and accepting people, maybe a family member. Those posting here are out of the closet here. 

i'm not obviously or stereotypically gay, i do not have attributes that general culture identifies as 'gay,' so in a sense, i'm generally closeted even though i do not feel the need to be secretive about being gay. Every time i mention that i am gay to someone at work, they are always surprised. me too, it surprises me that after 8 years working at the same hospital that all my peers do not know i am gay. This is one case where i wish people would gossip so all the hot guys i work with would feel free to hit on me lol. 

But okay, i get it. Like most from earlier generations, i grew up in a restrictive and non accepting culture when it came to being gay. i was part of a conservative religious culture that thought, and still maintains, that one can choose not to be gay. It took me till 2006 to process out of my cultural conditioning, which was my real closet. I.e., the emotional belief that there was something wrong with being gay, something wrong with me because i am gay. Once i came to a place of self acceptance, that closet went away.

Do i have "regrets?" All sorts. i regret hiding and lying. i hated the state of confusion, conflict and ambivalence between the reality of who i am and the notions of who i was conditioned to believe i should be. Coming out for me was mostly a matter of self acceptance. my former wife knew i was gay before we married, but we were part of a religious culture that didn't have a clue about what that means. Had we really grasped the meaning of that, we likely never would have gotten married.

But being married , having kids, all the stuff i did in a closeted state?  Do i have regrets? Yeah, but it isn't a black or white answer, not an all or nothing situation. i learned a lot from my experiences. i learned how to be open, honest, vulnerable in relationship. i learned that is intimacy, how we can connect with another and experience the beauty and wonder of knowing and being known and loved. i know a lot of straight people who do not have that, not because they are 'gay' and closeted, but because they are otherwise closeted, hiding things about their self that they fear, if known, would get them rejected. 

 

[bbzh]

I came out of the closet in my early 20s to friends and family. I had to come out of the closet a second time (about 20 years later) in my career. It took having a flamboyant boyfriend to make me realize that as long as I was hiding in the shadows, I was actually allowing people to use my queerness as a weapon against me. You can't be made to feel less than or scared when you walk in your truth and are proud of who you are. People will respect you more when you are living your truth. I once heard at a workshop on being queer in the workplace that:  "People don't trust people who don't talk about their personal lives at work." I wanted to disagree so much with that notion until I thought about it. It's pretty darn true. Even if you are trying to be low-key, people will just gossip behind your back and fill in the blanks themselves. And if you are a single male over 40, most people have pegged you anyway. Nowadays, having kids isn't even enough to throw people off (my flamboyant ex had two adult kids when we started dating).

Coming out is a highly personal decision and I would never out someone or tell them to come out, but trust me, you are only fooling yourself if you think nobody knows. And I wish more closeted men knew that coming out doesn't have to be this huge declaration where you say "I'm gay." A casual sentence such as, "I went to that restaurant with my ex a few years back. He loved it." And just like that, you're out. Dropped casually, but definitely noted. End of story. And to your surprise, most people won't bat an eyelash or give a fuck. Life is too short to be held prisoner over your sexuality. Live life. Be free.

[Guest]

Something needs to be said about the fact that some guys just don't volunteer any info about their sexuality. It's not that they are pretending to be straight, it's just a matter of living a private life. Some guys like me are single and play in bath houses, I don't have a partner and never had anything long term. 

It's not about hiding my being gay, (which yes, nobody cares) but more of hiding that sordid lifestyle that many would have a hard time dealing with.

[BootmanLA]

6 hours ago, Muscledadbod said:

Something needs to be said about the fact that some guys just don't volunteer any info about their sexuality. It's not that they are pretending to be straight, it's just a matter of living a private life. Some guys like me are single and play in bath houses, I don't have a partner and never had anything long term. 

It's not about hiding my being gay, (which yes, nobody cares) but more of hiding that sordid lifestyle that many would have a hard time dealing with.

I agree there's a difference. I'm openly gay, but I don't tell people what I get up to behind closed doors (whether it's a bedroom door or a bathhouse door).

But I think the key thing is, being willing to openly say "Yes, I'm gay" if asked and to correct people who misgender my partner ("His name is Jonathan"). If you can do that, you're not closeted.

Granted, someone could take the position that it's nobody's business who you date, but I've never known any heterosexual to take that stance. 

[Piggyybttmm]

Slightly.... For a long time i thought this was just a phase and id grow out of it because i never felt there was longevity in it, but as you get older you realize its a huge waste of time and its just who you are

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, Gimmiethatload said:

Slightly.... For a long time i thought this was just a phase and id grow out of it because i never felt there was longevity in it, but as you get older you realize its a huge waste of time and its just who you are

Still a challenge and struggle from my standpoint. 

[ohmalewhore]

On 12/4/2021 at 11:02 AM, Caged said:

Does anyone else experience guilt about being in the closet and pretending to be straight?

Not really. The area I live in has been nicknamed "God's Country" so I am glad I hide myself away right now. I don't know how much "pretending" I do just because so far I've been discovered twice by two different men at the same truck stop gas station. I must give off something that draws them to want to come over and make sure.

[Guest]

On 12/4/2021 at 5:02 PM, Caged said:

I’m a 55 yo closeted gay MWM.  I had my first gay sexual experience when I was 13 and knew I was gay from a young age.  But by the time I left home and was coming of age and eager to explore my sexuality the AIDS pandemic of the early 1980’s was in full swing.  I saw gay men dying everywhere and I was afraid to be myself.  So I ended up living the lie of pretending to be straight.  I’m on my 3rd marriage and now it’s struggling too.  I actually have loved all of my wives, but I was never truly interested in them sexually.  Im grateful that today’s society is more excepting of gay men, but it wasn’t like that when I grew up.  I’m still caught up in the horrible lie and feel like there is no way out without hurting a lot of people.  
 

Does anyone else experience guilt about being in the closet and pretending to be straight?

Yes. Everyday. 

[Guest]

On 12/4/2021 at 5:02 PM, Caged said:

I’m a 55 yo closeted gay MWM.  I had my first gay sexual experience when I was 13 and knew I was gay from a young age.  But by the time I left home and was coming of age and eager to explore my sexuality the AIDS pandemic of the early 1980’s was in full swing.  I saw gay men dying everywhere and I was afraid to be myself.  So I ended up living the lie of pretending to be straight.  I’m on my 3rd marriage and now it’s struggling too.  I actually have loved all of my wives, but I was never truly interested in them sexually.  Im grateful that today’s society is more excepting of gay men, but it wasn’t like that when I grew up.  I’m still caught up in the horrible lie and feel like there is no way out without hurting a lot of people.  
 

Does anyone else experience guilt about being in the closet and pretending to be straight?

56 yo; second marriage. Can’t stop wanting to top 

[BlackDude]

I’m out to a few friends, no family. I have no regrets. I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything at all by not “coming out.”
 

We don’t ask straight people to proclaim their sexuality, why should I?  I don’t have any wife or children, I pay my own bills. I feel I only need to be honest with myself. If I chose to share I like men, that’s my choice.