When sex is not everything

[Philip]

I have been dating a few men who says that sex is not everything in a relationship.

One man had said that if a cake’s key ingredients are eggs, flour, and milk, then sex is not one of these key ingredients, that it is a topping like chocolate chips or icing.

Personally, I think that sex is a key ingredient in a relationship. It is the egg in the cake and without it, the cake will not be a cake.

In your opinion, do you think that sex plays a critical role in a healthy relationship, especially gay relationship?

I find that men who says that sex is not important either has a small penis, self-conscious of their appearance (e.g., overweight), afraid of STDs, or a combination of all. Is it appropriate for me to have come to this conclusion, or are there legit reasons why men don’t think that sex is everything?

[Carlos1881]

Philip, 

This is a great question and while I agree with you that sex is important there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this.

Everyone’s different, and what’s important for some may not be at all important for others.

It ultimately depends on personal beliefs, physical and mental desires, and the nature of the relationship.

I’m sure you will get some exciting thoughts on this. 

Have a great week and weekend 

Karl 

Edited January 19, 2022 by Karl8181

[BootmanLA]

2 hours ago, Philip said:

In your opinion, do you think that sex plays a critical role in a healthy relationship, especially gay relationship?

In some relationships, yes. Not in all. Under your formulation, an impotent man could never have a "healthy" relationship. Asexuals could never have a "healthy" relationship. What matters is what YOU want in a relationship; if what matters to you is having a guy dress up like a clown and rub his bright red rubber nose against your asshole until you ejaculate, then that's what YOU need for a healthy relationship. Just don't project your needs onto others.

2 hours ago, Philip said:

I find that men who says that sex is not important either has a small penis, self-conscious of their appearance (e.g., overweight), afraid of STDs, or a combination of all. Is it appropriate for me to have come to this conclusion, or are there legit reasons why men don’t think that sex is everything?

No, it's not. It's arrogant and ignorant. 

[analluv27]

Perhaps it's not so much as sex but intimacy. People often confuse the two, I've seen relationships built upon sex fall apart somewhat fast whereas intimacy seem to last longer even if sex is not involved ie one partner is physically or emotionally unable to perform sexual acts

[hntnhole]

Interesting thread ... 

5 hours ago, Philip said:

In your opinion, do you think that sex plays a critical role in a healthy relationship, especially gay relationship?

I think that having sex is critical to every well-balanced gay man.  It's one of our defining characteristics, thus gay men that say it's not "critical" either have some issues to resolve within themselves, or - like Lucy - have some 'Splainin to to.  But there is one paramount quality to a successful gay relationship which trumps (ptu)* even sex:  Each guy in the relationship must respect and honor and hopefully feel some measure of love for the other. It doesn't have to be head-over-heels, but a substantial measure of caring for the other guy seems the most important quotient of a successful relationship.  That would - of course - obviously lead to an important sexual component.  Expressing love/care for another generally includes sharing sex - but I suppose a relationship could survive without it.  So, I would say that yes, sex plays a critical role in a gay relationship.

*pardon the usage

 

5 hours ago, Philip said:

Is it appropriate for me to have come to this conclusion, or are there legit reasons why men don’t think that sex is everything?

Any conclusion you arrive at is appropriate, assuming you've made the effort to consider all variables that may apply.  The examples you give would imply a poor self-image on the part of these guys, for any number of potential reasons.  That said, most gay men - probably almost all - that would consider having a relationship with someone who wants to withhold the sex would be almost guaranteeing failure of the relationship.  Fucking doesn't have to be everything, but it's gotta be an important part - with apologies to the cake-baker. If some guy I really liked wanted to stay with me for a while, was a raw bottom, and thought he could deny me his Hole, he'd be "excused" in damn short order.  On the other hand, if some guy I really liked wanted me to fuck him every day, whore him, make the most of his Lusts, I'd go get the truck out of the garage and help him move ... LOL

[Philip]

5 hours ago, Karl8181 said:

Everyone’s different, and what’s important for some may not be at all important for others.

Wise words from a wise man. 

 

1 hour ago, analluv27 said:

Perhaps it's not so much as sex but intimacy.

I thought about this quote for a long while today. I dated a man where he said that he doesn’t like to have too much sex, but our intimacy was very strong, and for a long time, I thought that perhaps I could compromise a relationship with infrequent sex to be with him. Who needs to have sex when intimacy was as strong as ours? I thought to myself. But then intimacy declined and so did the relationship. Intimacy is the mortar that binds the bricks together to form the house we call relationship. 

1 hour ago, hntnhole said:

It's one of our defining characteristics

I love this. I often think to myself that the reason I chose to be gay (if it wasn’t genetics—we won’t go there today) is for the sex. Gay sex is awesome and my favourite part of being gay. 

1 hour ago, hntnhole said:

but a substantial measure of caring for the other guy seems the most important quotient of a successful relationship.  That would - of course - obviously lead to an important sexual component. 

Couldn’t agree with you more on this. If I begin to feel strong emotions towards another man, the sex usually follows which plunges me into a deeper emotion state, like a drug. 

[backdoorjimmy]

7 hours ago, Philip said:

In your opinion, do you think that sex plays a critical role in a healthy relationship, especially gay relationship?

I think sex would have to play a critical role in a healthy relationship, unless the love between the two partners is so deep that it goes beyond sex. I've only been in two committed relationships in my life, but sex was and is a huge part for me. There's something special about having the man I love inside me, smiling at me and sharing eye contact while my ass grips and squeezes his dick. It's like we're connected at the soul and almost like coming home. I don't really know any other way to explain it.

Casual sex with random guys is fun, but the sex I have with my boyfriend makes everything that was wrong with my day better.

7 hours ago, Philip said:

I find that men who says that sex is not important either has a small penis, self-conscious of their appearance (e.g., overweight), afraid of STDs, or a combination of all.

Can you explain more about this? I'm having a hard time seeing how this relates to sex being an important part of relationships.

It's kinda like saying, "I find that men who don't bring Krispy Kreme donuts to my place when we hookup have bad fashion taste or don't take good care of their cars." The two don't really have anything to do with each other.

[bareback-flipflop]

You coudn’t have put here a question what employs me better like this. Maybe you follow my posts and know that sex is a crucial essence of my life. Sometimes I am a rough stud, another times I am a cum slut pig. Based on these charateristics of mine I could be assumed as a guy who can’t live in a relationship without sex. 

In comparison I lived with my love in an almost 17 years long relationship in where the sex was one of the less important things. My ex simply wasn’t interested in sex. He told about himself being top which meant he made me totally bottom but he didn’t like to fuck me either. Maybe it was better in the two first years but I never felt that he really enjoyed anything. Later happened more times that we didn’t have sex for a year. Every time he fucked me, this lasted not longer than a half hours and always felt so that he wanted just to get over this. I remember the occasions when sex was really hot among us and I can count this 4-5 sessions, which seems very sad comparing to the length of our relationship. Long story short, you can rightly ask why were we together for a such long time if I loved sex and it missed in our relationship. Because I loved him more. And he loved me. From outside we looked like a dream couple. We had lots of intimacy. It’s needless to say that I cheated on him many times and I had hot adventures from time to time. But it’s also true that these adventures were followed by remorse. 

But our relationship was ended not because of my adventures or because of the lack of sex. He wanted something different in his life (nobody knew what it meant even him), supposedly he was in his midlife crisis. So he left me, and I can be myself living with lots of sex. After almost 4 years I don’t miss him but I feel again that I miss an intimate relationship. But I can’t imagine a relationship without intense and regular sex again. 
To sum up, sex is not everything in a relationship but it is a key essence or should be. 

 

[Philip]

17 hours ago, backdoorjimmy said:

It's like we're connected at the soul and almost like coming home. I don't really know any other way to explain it.

I understood you right away. When one of you are inside the other, you bring the intimacy to a higher state of being. Without the sex, I don’t know if you could reach this ‘higher state.’

17 hours ago, backdoorjimmy said:

Can you explain more about this? I'm having a hard time seeing how this relates to sex being an important part of relationships.

Certainly. From pure observation and trying to figure out why certain men say that sex is not important, I have noticed that these men tend to either, A, have a small penis, or B, self-conscious of their appearance, or C, afraid to catch STD.

I reason that the man with the small penis says that ‘sex is not really important’ because he is worried that he might not be able to pleasure others, so he forgo sex altogether in case his partner is disappointed when they do have sex.

The man that is self-conscious with his weight might be worried about what his partner thinks about his physical appearance, so may say that ‘sex is not really important’ as a cover up for his low-esteem.

And the man who is afraid of catching STD might say that ‘sex is not really important’ just so he doesn’t have to expose himself to catching potential STD altogether.

These are examples of three different men I have dated who do not like to have sex and my theories as to why it is the case. But I am uncertain if my conclusion is correct. Any ideas?

[BootmanLA]

29 minutes ago, Philip said:

Certainly. From pure observation and trying to figure out why certain men say that sex is not important, I have noticed that these men tend to either, A, have a small penis, or B, self-conscious of their appearance, or C, afraid to catch STD.

Or maybe they're just not that into you and don't want to hurt your feelings by expressing their true opinion of you.

Seriously, this is as self-centered as the guy who says that in his "pure observation" restaurants exist to make you unhealthy because the only restaurants he visits serve burgers and fries.

There are a multitude of reasons why people might not think sex is all that important. Some men have low testosterone levels, for instance, and their libido just isn't that great. Some men have erectile dysfunction issues and are content with other forms of affection. As I suggested, there are other forms of sexuality (asexuality, demisexuality, sapiosexuality, etc.) that might make someone feel sex is "not that important" in particular cases or relationships, none of which have anything to do with your limited worldview that it's all about dick size, appearance concerns, or STD worries).

Ever stop to think that maybe the issue is YOU think sex is way too important? Why do you assume the importance YOU place on sex is normal, and anyone who doesn't agree is abnormal? While you're navel gazing, clean out the lint. It's blocking your line of sight.