In need of a father figure

[hntnhole]

3 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

i don't know, but my feel is that your professor is as closeted and conflicted as you are about the relationship.

This is an interesting thread, and I'm starting to think tallslenderguy's right.  It could very well be that the Professor, earlier in life feeling cultural pressure, married against his inklings to conform to cultural expectations.  If that's the case, I'm sorry he felt he had to do that.  Academia can be crushing in it's expectations.  IF he's actually gay, and has finally met a young man who pushes his buttons emotionally, it may well be the he's the terrified one, afraid of his reactions to you, afraid of what might follow if he allows himself to get too close to you, afraid of all kinds of things.  Yet, he cannot help himself being in contact with you as often as plausibly possible.  

You're walking a tightrope here - there are all kinds of wonderful possibilities, and more than a handful of negative consequences as well.  Is there some way you two could be in a situation where someone/something else gay-related, other than you two - could be interacted with?  That would at least put the subject of "gayness" within the purview of acceptable (read non-threatening) conversation.  My point is, he seems very drawn to you, and you to him.  While this creates an unresolved tension between you, some contrivance whereby it would be natural to comment during your many conversations about an "outside" event that might be gay-related (I mean see a movie with gay characters, go to some event where there will be a handful of gay guys, something non-threatening, yet visible, and thus "mentionable" between you) as a means to at least introduce the subject of gayness obliquely? 

If there's a chance to experience that very special bond between two men, I very much hope that you figure out how to broach the subject before either of you make a faux pas that cannot be undone.  Yet, my vote is for trying your best to help him over what may be his fears, not yours.  If the facts, as you perceive them, are anywhere near correct, then you may be able to experience one of the most wonderful things gay men can share.  

Best wishes .....

[Omnivac]

I think I agree with both of you. We went out yesterday night but we didn't sleep together. We talked about 'my" professor (which is the one I'm working with). I told him several things that I don't like about him (I don't think he will tell but the other hand I don't care anymore, I'm fed up with him). He asked me if II'm as close as I am with him with the other professor, I told him that I'm not. Maybe I sense a small fragment of jealousy there.

Then I started to be too sincere and I asked him why is he spending time with me. I'm just a physician and he is the head of (a different) department. He's double my age, obviously way wealthier than me and I'm always hearing him talk about politicians that he knows. So I asked him, he could find people that would be more useful than me.

He said I shouldn't be thinking like that and that I'm the only guy who can cheer him up when he's sad and that he likes what he sees inside me.

He returned the question and I told him that from the first I felt good when I saw him. Then I don't remember how exactly it occured but I told him I love watching his eyes because blue eyes attract me or something like that. He took of his glasses, we came closer. And we did kiss. We stopped several times because he was running out of breath. I do believe that was a first for him he blushed so much. But seconds later he told me that he doesn't know what we just did and he just left.

 

So I'm confused and sad I guess. We haven't messaged since. I felt he needs some time. I also felt like I pushed him? I don't know.

[tallslenderguy]

1 hour ago, Omnivac said:

I think I agree with both of you. We went out yesterday night but we didn't sleep together. We talked about 'my" professor (which is the one I'm working with). I told him several things that I don't like about him (I don't think he will tell but the other hand I don't care anymore, I'm fed up with him). He asked me if II'm as close as I am with him with the other professor, I told him that I'm not. Maybe I sense a small fragment of jealousy there.

Then I started to be too sincere and I asked him why is he spending time with me. I'm just a physician and he is the head of (a different) department. He's double my age, obviously way wealthier than me and I'm always hearing him talk about politicians that he knows. So I asked him, he could find people that would be more useful than me.

He said I shouldn't be thinking like that and that I'm the only guy who can cheer him up when he's sad and that he likes what he sees inside me.

He returned the question and I told him that from the first I felt good when I saw him. Then I don't remember how exactly it occured but I told him I love watching his eyes because blue eyes attract me or something like that. He took of his glasses, we came closer. And we did kiss. We stopped several times because he was running out of breath. I do believe that was a first for him he blushed so much. But seconds later he told me that he doesn't know what we just did and he just left.

 

So I'm confused and sad I guess. We haven't messaged since. I felt he needs some time. I also felt like I pushed him? I don't know.

The plot thickens.

i don't think you "pushed him," Who initiated the kiss?  it seems there's quite a bit of sexual tension between you. i think you are learning a lot. He took off his glasses because you told him you like his eyes, that was a gesture from him.  He also "likes what he sees inside of you."  Kissing you left him breathless. It seems clear to me that he is attracted to you, but does not know what to do with his attraction. i think you are right that this is new to him and it seems he is feeling a lot of confusion and is conflicted as well. 

[hntnhole]

As usual, our Tall Slim Gentleboy out West has some excellent suggestions.  

I think you're a bit ahead of your Professor/cum/friend in understanding, perceptions, and I applaud your concern re seeming too pressing.  This man - from what I've read - is clearly attracted to you, and it is anything but clear in his own mind.  He's made decisions he may be questioning, he may be going through a bit of a catharsis, and literally afraid to show his hand for fear of your interest waning.  

The fact that you're "just a physician" ("just"? That's a wonderful thing !!) and he's head of some other department is not really germane to the issue.  What is germane, is that two men, perhaps burdened with some measure of hesitation, are attracted to each other in a substantial way.  The age-difference is - in a rather small way, I think - potentially germane, but not crucial to the issue at hand.  What is the crux of the issue, as I understand it, is that two men feel a deep connection on an emotional level, perhaps even deeper, and both are trying their best to encourage growth and acceptance within themselves and each other, without causing hurt to the other. 

It sounds like there's the kind of "connection" developing, that  I often reference as one of the most beautiful events two men can experience together.  Give him time.  Continue to be as supportive, patient, generous-of-heart as you can possibly be.  From what I've absorbed in this thread so far, you may be one of the luckier men around.  I think this complexity will begin to unravel, and in your favor, in the coming weeks.  As the old saying goes:  Rome wasn't built in a day, and it took a thousand years for Rome to fall.  Kindness, gentleness will most likely pay off enormous dividends, if neither of you allows the other to feel awkward, pressed too hard, all of that.  

Good luck !!!

[Omnivac]

2 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

The plot thickens.

i don't think you "pushed him," Who initiated the kiss?  it seems there's quite a bit of sexual tension between you. i think you are learning a lot. He took off his glasses because you told him you like his eyes, that was a gesture from him.  He also "likes what he sees inside of you."  Kissing you left him breathless. It seems clear to me that he is attracted to you, but does not know what to do with his attraction. i think you are right that this is new to him and it seems he is feeling a lot of confusion and is conflicted as well. 

That's a tough call. It's like when you put a match close to a piece of paper. It will catch fire without even touching. What I want to say is that when he put his face close to mine and I came to watch his eyes from such a close distance I lost control. I don't know if my lips came to touch his or we both did it. But when the lips touched, never will I forget this. But yeah, taking off his glasses felt like he was giving in, didn't it?

I remember for a moment, before he freaked out, that he was so close to my face I could feel his breath. I don't wanna make him feel bad. I know he has a family, I totally understand it. I just want to make some room for me, is it too much to ask? I'm still confused though. I wouldn't like my bf to cheat me, why am I doing this, being the one whom he cheats his wife with?

1 hour ago, hntnhole said:

As usual, our Tall Slim Gentleboy out West has some excellent suggestions.  

I think you're a bit ahead of your Professor/cum/friend in understanding, perceptions, and I applaud your concern re seeming too pressing.  This man - from what I've read - is clearly attracted to you, and it is anything but clear in his own mind.  He's made decisions he may be questioning, he may be going through a bit of a catharsis, and literally afraid to show his hand for fear of your interest waning.  

The fact that you're "just a physician" ("just"? That's a wonderful thing !!) and he's head of some other department is not really germane to the issue.  What is germane, is that two men, perhaps burdened with some measure of hesitation, are attracted to each other in a substantial way.  The age-difference is - in a rather small way, I think - potentially germane, but not crucial to the issue at hand.  What is the crux of the issue, as I understand it, is that two men feel a deep connection on an emotional level, perhaps even deeper, and both are trying their best to encourage growth and acceptance within themselves and each other, without causing hurt to the other. 

It sounds like there's the kind of "connection" developing, that  I often reference as one of the most beautiful events two men can experience together.  Give him time.  Continue to be as supportive, patient, generous-of-heart as you can possibly be.  From what I've absorbed in this thread so far, you may be one of the luckier men around.  I think this complexity will begin to unravel, and in your favor, in the coming weeks.  As the old saying goes:  Rome wasn't built in a day, and it took a thousand years for Rome to fall.  Kindness, gentleness will most likely pay off enormous dividends, if neither of you allows the other to feel awkward, pressed too hard, all of that.  

Good luck !!!

When you meet that guy, he really is a cool guy. So it makes me sad to think that this smiley guy became that troubled because of me. I'm glad you consider physicians  a wonderful thing to be. Many people, especially in the COVID pandemic in Italy say bad things about doctors. For me being a physician was my dream and I do hope I will serve my patients well. I said just a physician because well.. I don't know how things are in the rest of Europe or in USA but here in Italy professors tend to feel like gods. I mean that. Arrogant guys, full of themselves that everybody else is something like a servant. The professor with  whom I'm working will even ask me to go and get him food or coffee. Not to mention the rest of the attitude. I just wait for my post doc to be completed and leave. I will never return to academia. Plus, corruption is a big thing here. A professor may earn somewhere around 1800 euros (which is roughly equivalent to 1800 dollars). That's not much. Yet you will see them with expensive clothes, cars etc. Even the one we're talking about.. well.. if you like at his CV it's just too good. I regret to say that someone is writing books and articles for him (that's what I believe). What he wears cost more than my salary. So no doubt he has his share (and I believe it's rather big) of corruption. That also makes me feel bad because I don't want him or any one to believe that I like him because of this. Plus, I'm just a guy who earns just enough to make a living. I said all these to explain you what I meant by just a physician (he's not a physician).

I messaged him that I am sorry if I made him feel uncomfortable and he told me that I shouldn't be and it's okay, but I know that he doesn't feel okay.

 

[BannedWord]

On 6/12/2022 at 2:59 PM, hntnhole said:

Is there some way you two could be in a situation where someone/something else gay-related, other than you two - could be interacted with?  That would at least put the subject of "gayness" within the purview of acceptable (read non-threatening) conversation. 

Oh snap! That's a great idea. I did this once when I suspected that a friend was struggling with his sexual identity -- we had mutual friends who were straight, and he gave off very gay vibes to others (and certainly to me). We'd get together as friends, and he wanted to go into NYC one Saturday afternoon/evening. I was dying to find out the answer to the question without actually putting him in an uncomfortable situation and asking him outright.

Since I once lived in The Village, I had an idea. After an early dinner, I took him up into my old stomping grounds and made it a point to pass by Ty's on Christopher Street and said, "Hey, let's get a beer." I ordered and watched the scenery with him as we chatted, then he excused himself to the men's room. A few minutes later, my question was answered when he saw someone he liked back there and grabbed his package and felt him up. BINGO! For those saying he might have been putting on a show, he bugged me to go back several times. For me, that was his coming out moment.

@tallslenderguy and @hntnhole I think have a great idea here. If nothing else, you get there and it makes the whole topic very easy to bring up. And if he observes it's not a mixed (male/female) crowd, you can at least use that to broach the topic of "well, didn't know if that would bother you, because (you're) gay too." Great way to get to an inflection point.

[hntnhole]

8 hours ago, Omnivac said:

I don't wanna make him feel bad. I know he has a family, I totally understand it. I just want to make some room for me, is it too much to ask? I'm still confused though. I wouldn't like my bf to cheat me, why am I doing this, being the one whom he cheats his wife with?

Ok.  New rule.  No more of this "it's my fault" that he might cheat on his wife.  That's not your issue, it's his.  Since you have a bf whom you're apparently not cheating on, and since you wouldn't like being cheated on, only you can answer if it's too much to ask that the man "make room for you".  It seems the closeness you and he have developed (lots of texts, meeting up for lunch, spending time together) is not sufficient for either of you.  Therefore, what will be sufficient?  Either "cheating" is ok, or it isn't* - across the board - and only according to how you choose to live your life.  Your first sentence above is important.  You don't want him to feel badly, you don't want to feel badly, and that's understandable.  I think figuring out exactly, precisely what you mean by "make room" for you needs some thoughtful reflection. 

Above, you ask "why am I doing this ...".  Answer yourself, and be truthful with yourself.  Take your time to figure it out.  What does "make some time for me" really mean?  How will it impact your current relationship?    

There's an old saying I've found helpful in many different areas of concern:  If X is true, then why is it true.  

One last thing:  If you think there is corruption in your country, quadruple that when you consider corruption in other countries.  But that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish, as the old saying goes.

Best wishes ....

*I know some men find the act of "cheating" enticing, exciting, and almost a fetish.  It's not for anyone to judge anyone else on their sexual proclivities, and if the notion is a sexual thrill for you, then it just is; accept that part of you and move forward.

Edited June 13, 2022 by hntnhole

[ErosWired]

9 hours ago, Omnivac said:

I know he has a family, I totally understand it. I just want to make some room for me, is it too much to ask?

I’m going to take a different approach than others above who are encouraging you to move forward and telling you that the man’s concerns about having a family are not your concern.

Of course they’re your concern, or they ought to be if you are a man of ethics. This man has a family, a network of relationships based on love, trust, blood and shared experience over years. His bond with his spouse bears his oath. Had he never encountered you, those relationships would not be at potential hazard. Now, because of you, they are. It isn’t only his life that stands to be disrupted by your imposition, it’s all of theirs as well.

But nothing in your narrative thus far suggests that you have given thought to the consequences of your actions - only that you are thinking about your own desires. So I ask you, can you look at yourself objectively and say that what you are doing is right? Is it in the best interest of everyone affected?

Bear in mind - this man is not free. He is not fair game for you. He is not an unattached single on the open market. You are tempting him to do something potentially wrong and doing it consciously.

You are asking him to make space for you? Describe, in modern society, what space is available in a traditional family structure for an unrelated male to occupy as a romantic partner to the father? There isn’t one, and I think that at some level you must realize that your question is disingenuous - you’re not asking him to ‘make a space’, because you know there’s no way that can ever work in any sustainable way. What you’re asking him to do is choose.

I can tell you what that does to a family, because an interloper from outside made it impossible for me to keep my own family together when my spouse was put in a position to ‘choose’. The damage doesn’t mend. The wounds don’t heal.

There is a person I would very much like to offer my heart right now, but that person is married and I would never, ever, even though I will likely never find such a person again, risk their marriage by inserting myself. It’s out of the question. I have no right. I have endured a divorce and I know the trauma it unleashes, how it ravages hearts. The men encouraging you to blithely pursue this married man show no sign of understanding the pain you could be responsible for.

You may prevail upon his present confusion, or some unresolved same-sex curiosity, or even just a period of emotional weakness he’s in now, but the likelihood of him deciding to forsake his wife and children to take you on as a life partner is not something I would take odds on, and even if he did the situation would be fraught beyond anything you’re imagining.

The other possibility is that either you, or he, or both, are inwardly looking at this as something transitory (frankly, most gay relationships are) and what you’re hoping to lead him into is an affair. In this case, again, ethics. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose; he has something to gain, but a potential to lose everything in the end. Are you prepared to be the catalyst for that?

From your account of the kiss and its aftermath, two things seem clear: 1) He is conflicted and by no means certain in himself where this is going or where he wants it to go; and 2) You are likely the more emotionally grounded in the matter at this point, which puts him at a disadvantage. Depending on his personality type, this could be an inflection point at which a more rational cognitive facet of his mind takes control and decides this is a danger to be avoided, or a more limbic facet may overbalance his caution and give you an opening of unguarded weakness in which to move. The question is, will you take advantage of it?

The others above are responding to your aspirations and acting as the devil standing on your left shoulder. Although I sure as hell don’t have a halo I’m standing in for the angel on your right shoulder whispering to your conscience. I don’t propose to tell you what you should do - but I do suggest that you contemplate the landscape before you paint any more on this picture.

[hntnhole]

11 hours ago, ErosWired said:

I’m going to take a different approach than others above who are encouraging you to move forward and telling you that the man’s concerns about having a family are not your concern.

Your thoughts are well put, and deserve the poster's serious consideration. 

What was perhaps overlooked, is substituting the term "concern" for the word "fault".  Of course the poster is concerned about the family issue - who wouldn't be?  But it's not his fault that the professor is apparently drawn to him.  As previously mentioned, serious introspection is in order here, on a range of issues.  It's not any man's "fault" if some other men is drawn to him, only subsequent actions (by either party) can be faulted.  

I agree that there are a number of perils attached to this young man's dilemma, but I don't feel I'm in a position to judge his decisions.  That's for him to sift through, and he's been encouraged to do that.  The poster is not able to decide for the professor, only the professor can do that.  After experiencing 30+ years of a truly wonderful, loving relationship with another man, I know how transformative it can be in anyone's life.  

The only encouragement this poster has received, is to consider his actions very carefully.  The replies have reflected information that was subsequently added by the poster, which can alter what he gets in return from us.  None of us knows his situation more deeply than what information he has provided, and the contrivance of devils / angel on his shoulders is unfortunate.

Never the less, thanks for your excellent input.  It's always appreciated.  

[ErosWired]

2 hours ago, hntnhole said:

What was perhaps overlooked, is substituting the term "concern" for the word "fault".  Of course the poster is concerned about the family issue - who wouldn't be?  But it's not his fault that the professor is apparently drawn to him. 

The difference between “concern” and “fault” in this case is the question of seduction. The degree to which the OP might be responsible for outcomes depends upon the degree to which he may be actively manipulating the situation to promote outcomes favorable to him. Given the level of confusion described on the part of the OP after the kiss, it suggests that the forward sexual momentum may be being generated by the OP rather than his counterpart. He cannot ignore the influence that his mere presence has; he exerts a kind of sexual gravity. By choosing not to remove that influence from the equation he automatically incurs a certain level of responsibility. If he then actively leverages that influence the responsibility increases. Whether this amounts to “fault” relies on a value judgment.

The devil/angel construction was merely a common metaphor for a situation in which temptation may be at odds with conscience, and not a reflection on anyone providing advice.

[BannedWord]

14 hours ago, ErosWired said:

I’m going to take a different approach than others above who are encouraging you to move forward and telling you that the man’s concerns about having a family are not your concern.

Of course they’re your concern, or they ought to be if you are a man of ethics.

@ErosWired is absolutely right. Please don't take my prior post to mean anything beyond putting the "is he gay" and "is he interested in me for some reason" issues to rest with responses. Once you have those answers, it's time for him to decide what, if anything, he wants to do with that information.

Everything you've described paints him into a position of being conflicted. But unlike ErosWired's comment, I'll stop short of laying any/blame/fault/concern solely at your feet. There are two parties in this interaction. If you want to resign yourself to being the side-piece, you're doing yourself a huge disservice. Don't lock out other possibilities while you await this guy to figure out who he is and how you figure into his equation. He needs to figure into yours.

 

[Omnivac]

I really thank for all your detailed responses, they help me consider several things.. 

So..

We met again in his office.

I think he's very confused which is quite interesting. He's almost 50, he's a professor and he pretty much seems to know everything, he's written dozens of books (which the high number of them is suspicious) and he's head of a department. Yet, he asks me things about gays that not even an adolescent would ask. Questions started from if I'm gay and what do I like about men and how does it feel to have gay  sex?

Well I told him the truth that I'm gay. I had my share of guilt because I fear he would think I was scheming schemes about making him fall for me. I clarified that I was seeing him as a friend without anything other than that. About why I like gay men, that's maybe a philosophical question. I'm just attracted and it is so simple that it needs no further thinking. And about gay sex.. well that was a hard one. I didn't want to be too romantic or too vulgar about this. I told him I like how it feels, to dominate and being dominated, to give and receive pleasure. It makes me feel as one with my partner.

He looked to be somehow interested in these things that I told him yet he looked quite unfamiliar with all of these. He also told that that kiss was a first for him and he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want me to feel bad and that he's the most experienced so he should have treated all that different.

I asked him how the kiss felt and he made a small joke by saying he lost his breath which should indicate that that was good. I told him I want another kiss and he hesitated. And we kissed. He turned red again. Jokes aside, I'm a bit stressed about him. He's fit and in good health but he's in an age where heart risk increases. If everytime we kiss he's that much stressed I'm really worried. We kissed many times. He told me I'm beautiul I pretty much told him the same thing and then we had dinner. He's still very skeptical and I don't believe he has decided what he wants to do.

I got horny when we kissed

[hntnhole]

From what I've read in your reports, I think this man is heavily conflicted about a number of issues, and whether you can help or harm is - as I understand your reports - an open question.  One thing I doubt though, is you're the first guy he's ever fantasized about, or felt an attraction to.  You may well be the first that he's found so attractive that he's actually devoting some intellectual/emotional attention to his own issues. That said, only he can actually do that.  Perhaps you can help in some way, but when it comes down to brass tacks, it's only he himself that can make potentially life-altering decisions.

Maybe you should consider backing off a bit - maintaining non-personal contact - i.e. texts, whatever, and when he asks you why you seem to be backing off, tell him in as kind a way as you're able.  We still haven't heard how you deal with your own current relationship regarding "outside" sex, and that would impact him, however indirectly.  

You've referred a number of times to this man's professional accomplishments, his apparent financial stability, etc.  These seem to be ancillary to your main focus, as I understand it.  It would be helpful if you took some time and outlined what your goals are regarding this man.  I mean, list them.  Write them down.  1st goal, 2nd goal, 3rd, etc.  Discard all the projections onto him, and concentrate only on your goals.  This would be most helpful.

Best wishes ...

[Omnivac]

56 minutes ago, hntnhole said:

From what I've read in your reports, I think this man is heavily conflicted about a number of issues, and whether you can help or harm is - as I understand your reports - an open question.  One thing I doubt though, is you're the first guy he's ever fantasized about, or felt an attraction to.  You may well be the first that he's found so attractive that he's actually devoting some intellectual/emotional attention to his own issues. That said, only he can actually do that.  Perhaps you can help in some way, but when it comes down to brass tacks, it's only he himself that can make potentially life-altering decisions.

Maybe you should consider backing off a bit - maintaining non-personal contact - i.e. texts, whatever, and when he asks you why you seem to be backing off, tell him in as kind a way as you're able.  We still haven't heard how you deal with your own current relationship regarding "outside" sex, and that would impact him, however indirectly.  

You've referred a number of times to this man's professional accomplishments, his apparent financial stability, etc.  These seem to be ancillary to your main focus, as I understand it.  It would be helpful if you took some time and outlined what your goals are regarding this man.  I mean, list them.  Write them down.  1st goal, 2nd goal, 3rd, etc.  Discard all the projections onto him, and concentrate only on your goals.  This would be most helpful.

Best wishes ...

It does seem odd that he has never tried something with another guy before. He looks unfamiliar with the situatiion though. He almost felt vulnerable when I kissed him which was really cute. I have quite backed off since it's he who starts messaging the past few days and not me. I attended a speech of his today, which of course we had too. He gave a speech in my department and all of us (the researchers) were kindly asked (indicated by the head of the lab) that we must be there. Professors are treated as deities, having the classroom of the speech half empty would be an unforgivable act. So I guess outside these awkward moments of intimacy we are as we were. 

About his achievements well.. he's vulnerable. I could be his weak spot, used against him to harm his career. I don't want this. On the one hand he serves me like an inspiration on how I want to be and be even greater than him, as the student that surpasses his teacher. That's how I want to see things. On the other hand, I just feel weak. He's in a better position, richer, he has family, a nice car, a nice office, nice clothes. I will never be good enough for him.

[ErosWired]

Another facet to this whole business that hasn’t really been addressed is the fact that this is taking place within the context of academia. The politics, the drama, the interpersonal machinations that go on in academic social structures - particularly graduate and postgraduate level - are notoriously byzantine.

A university is nothing if not a conveyor belt of fresh young meat. Our OP here may be a winsome, eye-catching thing, but he’s hardly the first to pass through that professor’s classroom. So if there’s a question about whether the man is actually conflicted or is actually playing some sort of game, I would submit that if he were the sort of man who latched onto young sweetmeats that caught his eye he would by now have developed a reputation on campus for doing so - and the OP likely would have been warned about him.

That suggests that his confusion is genuine, which further suggests that his position is doubly precarious - not only fir the family reasons I lately expounded upon, but for the possible ramifications he might encounter in his professional capacity if he becomes carnally involved with a student of the institution, particularly one in his field, who attends his lectures, etc. If he has any role at all in the evaluation or advancement of the student, such contact is ethically out of the question. The OP should think carefully - if there is the potential that this professor could end up as a faculty member on his thesis/doctoral committee, a personal romantic entanglement is a no-go. Not only if things were to go well and there was improper partiality or favor - what if the relationship soured badly and suddenly he had an enemy determined to make sure that dissertation wasn’t accepted? That’s a nightmare scenario. If nothing else, if the two of you did hook up, don’t imagine it won’t be noticed and discussed extensively among your university colleagues - you both may find yourselves subject to assumptions and judgments you hadn’t anticipated. Academia can be savage.

To be brutally frank, this thing has red lights flashing all over it from where I’m sitting. My advice, and I’ll leave it with this, is that you tell the man you like him very much but you think that for both your sakes you had best keep your relationship professional for now. Once you graduate, if there’s still something there, you can reopen negotiations. Make sure your focus is where it needs to be for your future and don’t get drawn off track.