In need of a father figure

[backdoorjimmy]

3 hours ago, Omnivac said:

I hope I am. Maybe it's not helpful that I'm always thinking about it. My worry is that he has two sons which seem very nice guys. Why not spend his time with them? Have they failed him somehow? He will often talk about his older son and not as frequently for his younger but still he seems to adore his boys. That makes me worry that I could fail him too somehow, because he seems to believe in me and I want to make him proud. Plus, the professor that I'm currently working with does not know how close are we with this professor. Technically they are "almost friends" but I know more things than he does

Maybe he sees someone who needs a guiding hand and wants to give it to you. Or maybe there's something deeper. Either way, this really does seem like it's riding the line of an emotional affair. The best thing you can do here is protect your heart and enjoy the ride.

As for his kids, it sounds like he's proud of them and wants to talk about them. He probably equates their happiness and their successes and challenges with the kind of dad he was to them growing up. And just because he doesn't have the same kind of relationship with them that he has with you doesn't mean they've failed him, or that he doesn't love them. As their dad, it would be unusual for him to carry on an emotional affair with them.

[fskn]

@Omnivac, don't feel that you have to ask him to define the relationship. Although talking and asking questions can clarify a relationship, it's easy to forget that the other person might not be ready to answer on our timeline. Sometimes a person hasn't figured everything out yet. Even if there is an immediate and precise answer, we are constantly growing and changing, and a relationship is dynamic in and of itself. How he behaves matters more than any words he might say if you asked about his intentions toward you.

I wouldn't worry about cheating, homewrecking, etc., either. Our behavior reflects what we truly want, and moving toward what we want, however difficult the process, is good for us. If he did pursue a romantic and/or sexual relationship with you, it would be for you to decide whether you were satisfied with the level of involvement he could offer, given his existing family. Eventually, it would be for him and his wife to decide the fate of their marriage, and for them to work through any issues with their children. (Those concerns would be in the future, and in any case, people are more resilient than we give them credit for.)

It sounds as if you and this man have a special bond. Enjoy your time together, whatever the outcome!

[Omnivac]

@DarkroomTaker

I don't think we ever had anything professional. He is a professor, friend of the professor that I'm working with. But we were never direct partners in our projects. I'm not working with him so I don't think that it's unethical or something.

[tallslenderguy]

On 6/2/2022 at 12:19 PM, Omnivac said:

I know this topic may be outside of the aim of this forum, however since it's targeting a gay audience I hope someone would like to comment/discuss.

I'm a 24yo closeted guy. Last year I graduated from medical school. From my 2nd year of medical school I'm working in parallel in some biology projects in a lab with a professor. I mostly did this because at my ealry years in medical school I thought I didn't like clinical practice and I was more of the lab rat type. I changed my mind later but I was happy with this collab so I went on. Some months ago we went on a business trip where we met a second professor (from the same country as we). He and my professor were friends. From the very first time I saw him I felt something for him. He was kinda sexy, but most of all he was smart and talented. I was kinda shy (because it was just me and two professors and he tried to make some jokes to break the ice). We went all of us for a long walk (in a foreign country). My professor had to go for a professional date so we got split. The other professor (let's call him John) texted me to check if I made it back. From that moment I felt he cared for me. We texted and texted and met the same night. Nothing sexual happened but I could feel the chemistry (I don't mean sexually but we really matched). He talked me about his family (wife+2 sons) and he gave me some career advice.

Since then, we text every day. We even meet but mostly on a weekly basis. I'm kinda under his spell, I feel. He makes me happy. We go to the movies, we go to restaurants. I can't decipher if it's something sexual going on, or if it's more of a mental thing. One day we started to talk and I told him some things about me. I told him that my father died and he went teary. That was quite of a surprise. That empathy touched me. I like the protection that I feel from him. I like everything about him. I struggle inside me to make him feel as happy as he makes me feel.

So I really don't know what's going between us. I need to discuss that with someone. I do feel a sense of guilt as he's cheating on his wife with me. 

To me, one of the wonderful things about intimate relationship is the potential for discovery, learning and growth. Our emotions can draw us in and draw us out, open us and expose parts of us that might otherwise be hidden or even unknown.  

Some of the things that can get exposed is our standards, ethics, ideas of morality.  As some have noted, it seems both of you may be in this dynamic place. He may be in a new place and experiencing similar questions as you. 

A few thoughts to add to the discussion:

The fact that he is vague about telling his family that he is with you when they call is telling i think. i think we often hide when we feel vulnerable or feel at risk of losing something. Fear of discovery and the possible rejection that may go with it. He could have this fear with you and his family because he is feeling something for you that might risk rejection if found out. 

my other thought is that you seem to have not nailed down what it is about being with him that you want/like/need?  Your title says: "in need of a father figure."  On the other hand, you seem to have sexual feelings as well?  If that is the case, are you conflicted about feeling both?  You may associate feelings and needs that you are having with stuff you think you might have had with a father, but there is no telling really what you would have had in reality. I.e., those are projections. 

i think one of the expectations of a father/son dynamic is the notion that the father is in charge, stable, has the answers, etc.. But i think what may be happening here is both of you are experiencing something that is new and brings insecurity and vulnerability with it. The truth is, he is older and has more life experience, but he is not your father, he did not raise you. 

To me, the most important thing is to be honest (both of you). The harder thing is to be openly honest, because there is vulnerability and the risk that comes with it... but there is also potential for wonderful things. 

[Omnivac]

1 hour ago, tallslenderguy said:

To me, one of the wonderful things about intimate relationship is the potential for discovery, learning and growth. Our emotions can draw us in and draw us out, open us and expose parts of us that might otherwise be hidden or even unknown.  

Some of the things that can get exposed is our standards, ethics, ideas of morality.  As some have noted, it seems both of you may be in this dynamic place. He may be in a new place and experiencing similar questions as you. 

A few thoughts to add to the discussion:

The fact that he is vague about telling his family that he is with you when they call is telling i think. i think we often hide when we feel vulnerable or feel at risk of losing something. Fear of discovery and the possible rejection that may go with it. He could have this fear with you and his family because he is feeling something for you that might risk rejection if found out. 

my other thought is that you seem to have not nailed down what it is about being with him that you want/like/need?  Your title says: "in need of a father figure."  On the other hand, you seem to have sexual feelings as well?  If that is the case, are you conflicted about feeling both?  You may associate feelings and needs that you are having with stuff you think you might have had with a father, but there is no telling really what you would have had in reality. I.e., those are projections. 

i think one of the expectations of a father/son dynamic is the notion that the father is in charge, stable, has the answers, etc.. But i think what may be happening here is both of you are experiencing something that is new and brings insecurity and vulnerability with it. The truth is, he is older and has more life experience, but he is not your father, he did not raise you. 

To me, the most important thing is to be honest (both of you). The harder thing is to be openly honest, because there is vulnerability and the risk that comes with it... but there is also potential for wonderful things. 

Regarding his family, I think that going out with a boy half his age is suspicious per se. Even if he is not into guys or into me, it sounds suspicious (I think). Thus he hides it for not sounding suspicious (even if he is not doing anything that a married guy shouldn't do)

About my feelings towards him I dunno. He is surely an attractive guy, at least in my eyes. I've jerked off several times thinking of him. But (that could sound odd), everytime I meet a man (unless he is super unattractive to me) I will jerk thinking of him and then I will stop liking him (from a sexual point of you). I can't think of him as a boyfriend. I liketo think him as a friend (or maybe father?).

[Omnivac]

So we had some news..

We spent yesterday's night together. We slept in his office. He drunk a little bit, he talked about his childhood and said things about himself. I told him that he's very cute and he smiled. We talked about my father and how he died. He became kinda emotional because it was kinda sad th way I described it/ the way it happened. And he just hugged me and rubbed my back and we slept like that. In the morning I kissed him in his cheek which I had never done it (he has done it on som occasions). But I really felt the body contact.

[backdoorjimmy]

51 minutes ago, Omnivac said:

So we had some news..

We spent yesterday's night together. We slept in his office. He drunk a little bit, he talked about his childhood and said things about himself. I told him that he's very cute and he smiled. We talked about my father and how he died. He became kinda emotional because it was kinda sad th way I described it/ the way it happened. And he just hugged me and rubbed my back and we slept like that. In the morning I kissed him in his cheek which I had never done it (he has done it on som occasions). But I really felt the body contact.

This just melted my heart. It's obvious that he cares deeply for you. I hope you and he can find a way to stay in each others' lives and be close, whether it's as a fatherly/mentor role in your life or as affectionate and caring soulmates.

[BannedWord]

4 hours ago, Omnivac said:

And he just hugged me and rubbed my back and we slept like that. In the morning I kissed him in his cheek which I had never done it (he has done it on som occasions). But I really felt the body contact.

A couple questions: 

• Does he know you're gay? I would think by now this would have come out or he's more than gotten the hint with things like "you're cute".
• Is he possibly waiting for you to decide on the direction you'd like things to lead? The way you've described it, there's sexual tension there that you could cut with a knife edge. 

Perhaps we're all living a bit vicariously through this novela but perhaps he sees you as an escape from the 'straight' life he otherwise has and is seeking validation or an outlet for his feelings. When he hugged you and rubbed your back, did he give off any vibe that there was something more than platonic there? Did he get aroused? 

Don't know what sort of situation he has with his wife but he seems to be spending considerable time sleeping with you in his office rather than...well, her. Strikes me that he wants things to lead somewhere but might be struggling with his feelings about sexuality and why this feels the way it does for him.

[Omnivac]

16 minutes ago, TheSRQDude said:

A couple questions: 

• Does he know you're gay? I would think by now this would have come out or he's more than gotten the hint with things like "you're cute".
• Is he possibly waiting for you to decide on the direction you'd like things to lead? The way you've described it, there's sexual tension there that you could cut with a knife edge. 

Perhaps we're all living a bit vicariously through this novela but perhaps he sees you as an escape from the 'straight' life he otherwise has and is seeking validation or an outlet for his feelings. When he hugged you and rubbed your back, did he give off any vibe that there was something more than platonic there? Did he get aroused? 

Don't know what sort of situation he has with his wife but he seems to be spending considerable time sleeping with you in his office rather than...well, her. Strikes me that he wants things to lead somewhere but might be struggling with his feelings about sexuality and why this feels the way it does for him.

Well technically he does not. He has asked me if I have a gf and I did what I  liked best. I dodged by saying that I'm working so much these days that I could not possibly have someone and he did not ask further. There is definitely some kind of tension and I'm a bit of a coward (most of the time but not always) to explore it. I feel like i want to undress him just to see him naked, to be more familiar with his body. Does that sound strange?

When he hugged me he was basically squeezing me. It felt like he needed to hug me and hold me tight. Like when we see someone that we cherish after a long long time. And that was when I told him when I found my father dead, so it was definitely something like "it's okay I'm here don't be sad". His rubbing in my back felt soothing cause I was indeed sad. When we slept my face was almost towards his chest. Despite the romantic of the thing it turned uncomfortable but we found a convenient position.

About his wife you're right. But that's a thing with many professor. They're just never with their families. Most professors I know are either single or have 3 divorces. But seeing his bed in his office and knowing all his business travels his wife must be used to this. Maybe she has an affair too. I don't believe that she's just okay with this.

Plus, I'm not sure if I'm in in love with him or if it's sth different. It feel nice being with him. He was on the news discussing something and I was watching him, feeling so proud. I don't think about fucking with him, more like touching him.

[Omnivac]

I will do a second update.. that's the bad thing with being closeted.. no one knows..

We chat A LOT via messenger these days. Even at nights. I was complaining to him that the univerisity has left me unpaid again (yeah the university here likes to do that) and he told me that if I need money I can ask him and he wants to help. Of course I told him no, but that's a kind thing to say.

When we met again we went to the movies. During the movies we were holding hands at times and some other times we were feeding each other with pop corn. But still it's weird. He does't seem to feel uncomfortable but he won't go further either. He makes me feel that this is very normal for him like nothing romantic involved. And I'm not sure what it is actually. I just can't get enough of him. Last night I felt lonely and I told himso and he told me that he's thinkiing ofme.

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Omnivac said:

I will do a second update.. that's the bad thing with being closeted.. no one knows..

We chat A LOT via messenger these days. Even at nights. I was complaining to him that the univerisity has left me unpaid again (yeah the university here likes to do that) and he told me that if I need money I can ask him and he wants to help. Of course I told him no, but that's a kind thing to say.

When we met again we went to the movies. During the movies we were holding hands at times and some other times we were feeding each other with pop corn. But still it's weird. He does't seem to feel uncomfortable but he won't go further either. He makes me feel that this is very normal for him like nothing romantic involved. And I'm not sure what it is actually. I just can't get enough of him. Last night I felt lonely and I told himso and he told me that he's thinkiing ofme.

Feedeing each other with popcorn is normal and no romantic at all for him...?  Gurl.......that's not so great of him. He must have noticed you fancy him, and he is playing games with you. Not worth it, try to get over him.

[Omnivac]

On 6/10/2022 at 10:09 PM, Kubby said:

Feedeing each other with popcorn is normal and no romantic at all for him...?  Gurl.......that's not so great of him. He must have noticed you fancy him, and he is playing games with you. Not worth it, try to get over him.

I really don't know. He doesn't look like the guy who plays game. But I can't figure what that is.

[tallslenderguy]

2 hours ago, Omnivac said:

I really don't know. He doesn't look like the guy who plays game. But I can't figure what that is.

i don't know, but my feel is that your professor is as closeted and conflicted as you are about the relationship. It seems each of you is afraid to come right out and share what you are feeling and thinking about each other.  i think it's easy to imbue the older, professor guy with credit for being more mature and having the answers, but the truth may be he is as scared and inexperienced as you are when it comes to a gay relationship.  

A great thing about an intimate relationship is knowing and being known. It's also scary and vulnerable, risky. i have experienced very few guys in my life who were willing to take the first step of being open about who they are and what is really inside.  There are those who will open once the other person does, then there are those who just let y0ou stand there naked, and never respond in kind.  As i've aged, i am more selective about those i share my heart with, but i still do it way more often than i experience it in return, and pretty much never experience it from someone who initiates.  Still, i'd rather take the risk than not, the pay off when the connection occurs is life itself to me.

 

[Omnivac]

1 hour ago, tallslenderguy said:

i don't know, but my feel is that your professor is as closeted and conflicted as you are about the relationship. It seems each of you is afraid to come right out and share what you are feeling and thinking about each other.  i think it's easy to imbue the older, professor guy with credit for being more mature and having the answers, but the truth may be he is as scared and inexperienced as you are when it comes to a gay relationship.  

A great thing about an intimate relationship is knowing and being known. It's also scary and vulnerable, risky. i have experienced very few guys in my life who were willing to take the first step of being open about who they are and what is really inside.  There are those who will open once the other person does, then there are those who just let y0ou stand there naked, and never respond in kind.  As i've aged, i am more selective about those i share my heart with, but i still do it way more often than i experience it in return, and pretty much never experience it from someone who initiates.  Still, i'd rather take the risk than not, the pay off when the connection occurs is life itself to me.

 

I believe you are right. It's just that I'm not sure either of what I want. I can't imagine myself being in a relationship with him. I like receiving (and giving) all these beautiful feelings. On the other hand I wouldn't wantus to end up like fuck buddiies. Maybe I'm in love? I feel so confused. Maybe I should push things a little bit? He seems to accept what I do, he follows. I thought of just trying to kiss him (on the lips) when the moment comes. Although I fear that he would push me and yell. I'm trying to think of the possible scenarios. Could someone with double my age do all these with me just to be friends? Could he be in love with me but being too shy? I don't know. From the moment we met I felt the sparkle. So I guess he wasn't just looking for someone, maybe it just felt that way.

[tallslenderguy]

1 hour ago, Omnivac said:

I believe you are right. It's just that I'm not sure either of what I want. I can't imagine myself being in a relationship with him. I like receiving (and giving) all these beautiful feelings. On the other hand I wouldn't wantus to end up like fuck buddiies. Maybe I'm in love? I feel so confused. Maybe I should push things a little bit? He seems to accept what I do, he follows. I thought of just trying to kiss him (on the lips) when the moment comes. Although I fear that he would push me and yell. I'm trying to think of the possible scenarios. Could someone with double my age do all these with me just to be friends? Could he be in love with me but being too shy? I don't know. From the moment we met I felt the sparkle. So I guess he wasn't just looking for someone, maybe it just felt that way.

my first thought is,  you text every day, you have kissed and slept together, so, you already are in a "relationship" with him and you do not have to "imagine."  So many of the thoughts and feelings you are having derive from your relationship to him. And, yeah, i know, you were thinking more along the lines of a clearly defined relationship, but i think where some confusion may come in is trying to reconcile what is with what 'should be.'  i single quote "should be" because i believe our conditioning, both cognitive and emotional, is often the source of conflict and confusion in our lives. The conflict comes from trying to reconcile what we think or feel should be with reality.  To me, you seem to be parsing out what you feel, think, want, don't want, nicely.  

In my opinion, the idea of just kissing him on the lips is totally romantic and personally, i'd melt in a guys arms if i was into him and he did that with me ( i'm a romantic), but honestly i think that would be putting the cart before the horse. i think what needs to happen is verbal communication. I.e., i believe you need to be open about your thoughts and feelings... a step at a time. E.g., instead of leaping in and presumptively kissing him on the lips, tell him you want to. That's a half step in the direction that will give him choice and participation.  i think/feel the same way about everything you have told us about your thoughts and feelings for him, that he is the one you should be sharing these things with. Not necessarily all at once, but each step will guide you as to whether you move forward or backwards.