Looking for some relationship advice

[Calstock]

So I am struggling with something. My boyfriend and I live together and are very much in love. However over the past 6 months or so, we haven’t had any sex. Nothing. Not even a handjob. Additionally, my boyfriend has expressed that he has no interest in sex anymore. He and I have spoken about intimacy issues a lot, but sex seems like it’s not going to happen anytime soon. An old fuck buddy of mine hit me up the other day and I can’t stop thinking about the wild and crazy sex we used to have. 
 

now my boyfriend and I have played with others in the past, but that was always planned out by both of us and done together. However we have a very strict no cheating rule. My fuck buddy is literally begging me to top him again. This fuck buddy also is in love with me, but I don’t have feelings for him. Although, I’ll admit he is the best in bed I’ve ever had and sex was out of this world wild, kinky, and check offs a lot of kinks. 

 I won’t lie, I’m thinking about it. However, I also know that it would really hurt my boyfriend if he ever found out and probably end our relationship. 
 

I’m just wonder how others have navigated sexless relationships or relationships where you might have a very high sex drive while your partner doesn’t have one at all. 

[NordicBtm]

Oh maaaan I’ve been in that situation before where I was in a long distance relationship and we didn’t really talk about cheating and such but my bf at the time that I was madly in love with came from a stable family so he talked more about our future picket fence life together. Whereas I was trying to move it in a direction of more sex and 3somes etc. what can I say I’m just a very sexual guy and I like to sleep with a lot of people 😉 

Well long story short is that I couldn’t stop myself from having sex with others and specifically at the time guys that were into barebacking and cummy fucks (my bf was a condom nazi I suppose you call it now lol), so eventually it happened that I had an STD I had to tell him about and of course it all came crashing down on me. I didn’t infect him (syphilis) but there was no way to repair things as he was so stringent on his beliefs.

So I guess my advice to you in this very difficult situation would be to be really honest with yourself if you can live with that little sex and if you want to be in a monogamous relationship. You need to first be honest with yourself not for what you can tolerate but what YOU want and need. If you need a lot of sex and to be playful and have fun in addition to going on cute dates and cuddling on the couch it is a primal need and just as valid as his need for a quiet life. 

You will kill yourself on the inside if you just go with what he wants and don’t state your own desires to him. Then after you’ve thought about it and are able to formulate yourself you should talk to him! Just do it!

I’ve found in relationships since then that I’ve never had a bad experience sharing my piggy side in an honest sober conversation. I got one boyfriend into 3somes and my now current partner has worked his way up to loving watching me get fucked in the darkroom for him to enjoy the cummy hole afterwards 😈💦

Then of course we still have our daily normal boring lives 90% of the time where you do normal things like go to work and socialize etc. You have many needs and desires in life INCLUDING sexual desires and you need to incorporate them or they will est you up inside.

Best of luck 🤞🏻💖

[ffabbian]

I emphasise with your situation as I've been there myself. It's great that you guys had rules and only played together but he has changed the rules without consideration for you. It will be hard but you need to talk to him  and figure out if you can have a relationship where you both can be happy if that's what you want. You can't go on wirh the frustration and guilt your harbouring. If you can't have an open discussion with your bf you will fuck around behind his back and it will be you that's wrong in his and others eyes. It's almost too late then  to make him accountable for the demise of your relationship which he is also accountable for. When I was in that situation sex is all I could think about all day and night.  I jerked off whenever I could and watched more porn but that eventually wasn't and hooked up with other men

[BlueSaphir]

Why is your boyfriend has lack of sex drive!? I would be wanting to get banged any moment in the the relationship.,

[AlexLondon]

I’m actually into this currently.. distance relationship and I want to get banged every now and then by previous fuckbuddy. 
 

I agree with everyone that says we should think more about what we want but at the same time it’s quite difficult as I don’t want to leave him for a some random hook ups. 
 

always quite difficult when feelings are involved 😞 

[Eagerindayton]

From experience (my husband is not interested in sex and has not been for years) I think the situation he is putting you in is unfair. Everyone wants to have sexual relationships with someone they love. My husband never talked about it and never would talk about it. For me that did not mean I stopped having sex. As a matter of fact, I have had a very active sex life. He knows nothing about it. I am not resentful. However, had I known about his total of back of interest in sex I would have ended that relationship almost immediately. I am HIV+ and I remember being afraid about having a sex life - but even then then I was still having sex. I would have respected him using this as an excuse not to have sex - I would have still ended the relationship. Good luck to you . Think about how and what you want in your future and how sex will be a part of that life 

[Sturm611]

Similar situation to Eagerindayton.  My partner lost all interest in sex a couple of years into the relationship.   He wouldn't discuss it.  The last time I sucked his cock he made this comment: "Can you move your head, you're blocking the TV?" The time before that it was "When I was cumming,  I was thinking of Larry" (our next door neighbor).  I stayed with him another six years hoping it would pass. It didn't and I walked out.

[Ieatcumholes]

Just because your boyfriend's sex drive has diminished doesn't mean that yours has! "Cheating" was defined when the two of you were having sex. You two need to have a discussion about YOU still being able to have sex outside the relationship without that constituting cheating, whose definition needs to be updated since you two are NOT having sex...

[allrise]

I love my partner very much , but I have a colourful sex drive and he is not interested.  I play around, which he knows and does not prefer to talk about it. We don’t talk about my encounters, I don’t ’bring it home” nor let it interfere with our routine. This works well for us. 

[Poz50something]

21 hours ago, Calstock said:

I’m just wonder how others have navigated sexless relationships or relationships where you might have a very high sex drive while your partner doesn’t have one at all. 

It  might not even be a case of sex drive. Many relationships start off hot and heavy and then as the relationship deepens into love, there are things that replace sex- like domesticity, living together, buying property….and some relationships still have plenty of sex, many do not. The sex becomes more for the maintenance of relationships rather than any sexual connection. I know that’s what happened to my relationship with late hubs. it can come back, so don’t give up. 
As far as canoodling with that friend, maybe a threesome? See if either of the theee is interested. If not, because the third person has feelings for you, don’t allow yo good relationship and the deep feelings you have for each other to become undone because of cheating. Not worth it. 
 

[hornyasfcuk]

1 hour ago, allrise said:

I love my partner very much , but I have a colourful sex drive and he is not interested.  I play around, which he knows and does not prefer to talk about it. We don’t talk about my encounters, I don’t ’bring it home” nor let it interfere with our routine. This works well for us. 

This is the approach I have taken as well.

First 3 years of our relationship was sex sex sex, 3 times a day every day - happy times. However a decade ago he was mentally beaten by a co-worker, which caused him to have a breakdown. Since then I have stayed by his side in good times and bad, but it is a sexless relationship. So I just have a bit on the side and dont bring it home. We have vaguely talked about the subject, and I dont think he would have any objections if I did infact tell him.

You (the orignal poster) have to way up if your relationship has a fantastic connection (we are like best mates, and do everything together) or if it too has its problems, and remember, you only live once, we all have an expiry date.

[NastyRigPig]

You say you are very much in love, so I think being honest will serve you well.  

Communicate that your preference is to make love to him, but if he doesn’t have the drive for that right now, you understand, but you are still seeking sexual satisfaction.  Let him know that you’d like to negotiate sex out of the relationship, and let him know that it will only be sex, you aren’t seeking any other type of relationship with somebody.   Set the parameters, and check in with other frequently.

We don’t have to follow some puritanical idea of what a relationship should be, that very few American couples achieve, even str8 ones. 

[hntnhole]

On 3/2/2025 at 2:00 PM, Calstock said:

However over the past 6 months or so, we haven’t had any sex

There's some kind of issue afoot, and you don't seem to know what it is.  What that issue happens to be is ancillary to the problem however.  

1.  It's unfair of your other half to simply halt sex - whether alone together or with other guys included.  

2.  Since you and he used to have sex with each other and other guys, I doubt the problem lies with merely having 'outside' sex.  There's something else afoot in the relationship, and he can't (or won't) share whatever it is with you.  That's a deeper problem, and we have no idea what that might be, but you definitely need to get him to confide in you.  I doubt it's a "sex" thing - sounds more like withholding sex is a punishment for something else. From what you've offered, it does seem unfair to be treated like this.  

3.  If you're absolutely certain he's not having sex / had sex for around 6 months, I'd suggest a counselor of some sort, that's trained to sniff out the root cause of issues like this.  It's something that needs to be dealt with, and I'm sending you my best wishes to get it figured out - one way or another.  

[barebackbro]

On 3/3/2025 at 6:00 AM, Calstock said:

My boyfriend and I live together and are very much in love.

It sounds as though you have a great relationship, apart from this problem. Don’t let it ruin the relationship.

The first thing to think about is why his sex drive changed. There might be some medical reason, or a psychological one - which I think you might be hinting at.

If that doesn’t work, I think you should have some sensitive discussions about how, despite all your love, you still have some physical needs. @NastyRigPig gives good advice. Since you’ve negotiated some outside sex before, you could probably agree on some rules. 

What I’m about to say next is the controversial part. If none of this works, cheat on him. It’s your body. Don’t let him control you. You say that your fuck buddy is in love with you too. I’d steer clear of him, because you’re risking ruining both relationships. Be careful, but seek out anon sex whenever you need it. 

[MuscledHorse]

I didn't see where it specifically say if you are sexually open or not. If not, you both really should be. The Judeo-Christian heritage of tying sexual monogamy to Love is both scientifically incorrect and adds layers of unnecessary fear and jealousy to the relationship. My husband and are have been open since day 1. We will snuggle and kiss some and be physical in that way but we rarely have sex with each other, but we're both mainly fisting bottoms into taking huge stuff. We go to events like Fist Fest together and enjoy play with other guys separately and occasionally together. But, at the end of the day we are together. Sex is pleasure sport to us and in that view jealousy doesn't exist in the relationship because there's nothing to worry over--is he seeing someone else? Is he going to dump me for someone else?--so we can focus on each other and the actual relationship. So, something to consider.