VersatileBreeder

bearbandit, I am soon going to be attending the HIV+ support group near me. Again, it's not something I should need to travel very far to go to. I agree with what you said about having the choice to spend every day having the shit scared out of me or doing something about it. I have broken it down to this... When someone is diagnosed poz, it is a major life change. And just like with any change, there are three ways for a person to respond to it. They can either accept it, ignore it, or resist it. In the case of being HIV poz, if a person accepts it, they are choosing to live with it and make the changes in their life to adapt to it and effectively manage it (e.g. going on meds, routinely seeing an ID specialist, etc.). If a person chooses to ignore it, well, that person is basically going to sooner or later suffer a demise by burying their head in the sand and not taking the action necessary to manage the virus. A person can try to resist the change brought on poz diagnosis and in this case, that isn't so much ignoring it, but rather, having a constant internal war with themselves for having acquired the virus and fighting with him/herself, all the while failing to accept the gravity of the diagnosis. Though a person in this scenario may go on meds and maintain physical health, they will never fully live in peace with themselves. In the very beginning, I was resisting the change associated with becoming poz. I have realized that the only way I will be able to live healthily and comfortably with HIV is to accept the change. That is what I am working on right now. But it definitely is hard.

JizzDumpWI, I am definitely going to be seeking out the counseling necessary to get my life back on track. Though I am very close to NYC, I don't think I need to make the trek in and out of there to get the help I need. I'm sure I can get it closer to home. Going to look into it once my crazy busy life slows down a bit, which will be soon.

GermanFucker, I agree with everything you said here. Depression is the main problem, but worry is also driving a large part of it too. For some reason, I can't shake this worry that I might not respond to meds the way one would hope. Not sure what is driving those fears, but I guess it's like my father has been telling me for years- I tend to worry about problems before I even know that there is actually a problem to worry about. So we will see. I am going to be getting on meds very soon. We will see what happens.

libertyx, I am very sorry for your loss. I am cognizant of the aftermath that will result for my family and friends if I were to take my own life. At my worst points in the recent weeks, that pretty much was all that kept me from doing it, which is sad. I feel like things will get better and I am trying to take the steps to make that happen.

wood, I like your optimism. Though you are neg and on PrEP, you seem to have a pretty good idea of what the struggles feel like for a newly diagnosed poz person and you offer compassion based on that. I have been daydreaming about when the day comes that I will be out of this depression zone and won't worry about HIV constantly every single day (though overall it has been getting better and I have been worrying less and less). I know some guys think that HIV "sets them free." I don't think like that, but on the same token, I don't want to constantly believe that HIV is going to shackle me in life. I just want to be free of all the emotional angst.

Hey guys, just checking in. A big thank you again to all for the support. Sorry I disappeared off this site for a week- life has been INSANELY BUSY and I can't wait for April 15 to come and go... That's the day it seems like everything in my life is due between work, school and taxes so I am just trying to get that all squared. Once that's over, I have a shortened Spring Break (five day weekend) due to snow days. I am going to try to reply back to everyone who offered their support on this thread. Here goes.......

Here's a good one: A couple of years ago, we had a new guy where I worked. He was my age (27 at the time), very good looking, very well built. He friended me on Facebook and I got a look at his photos. There were quite a few of him shirtless and man, he had a seriously hot body. We became work buddies pretty quickly. He asserted himself to be straight- always talking about girls he was dating (seemed like it was a new girl every weekend, quite the ladies man!). One night, I was cruising on Craigslist and came across an ad with a picture that I could have sworn was one of the shirtless pics this guy had on Facebook, though the face was cropped out in this pic. I checked his Facebook to match it to this one and sure enough, it was. Thinking there was no way this straight as an arrow dude could have been posting for sex with men, I assumed someone might have stolen his pic. But I was curious..... I emailed him from an email address that he wouldn't be able to tell was me. He replied with his face pics. IT WAS HIM!! Shocked, but now very curious what he was into, I started asking him what kind of scene he liked. Turns out he is into young, fem twink types who dress up in women's panties and shit like that. He was looking for a guy that could host and he wanted to come over and get sucked, then bend his boy over and fuck him while his boy wears some women's lingerie. No kissing, none of that. Man, was that a shocker! Just goes to show you... No matter how straight, macho and masculine a guy asserts himself to be, he still might be into plowing another dude's ass from time to time.

Tiger, I'm trying to live my life as normally as possible and part of that entails not ending it. Seriously. Taking time off from work is just not a feasibility right now, I have A LOT going on- two jobs: a career as a teacher, a bartender on the side (3 jobs if you count the real estate business my father is trying to partner me into). Oh and I am taking a class for which I get my full teaching license. Taking time off right now is not possible. I couldn't even afford to financially if I wanted to. Time off = No income. No income = Bills don't get paid. I know it sounds like I'm probably stressing myself out having so much on my plate at the moment, but the fact of the matter is I consider it better to be like this right now because it keeps my mind preoccupied. I am SURE there are other ways I could get through this without having to go check into a rehab facility.

Just curious to any guys who have been to these support groups for poz guys... What goes on at those meetings? What do they talk about and what do they do? I would probably be able to have a better inclination about going if I knew what to expect before going but I really have no clue what to expect.

azguy, that is pretty much it- I basically think of it as, well, this is the end. What's interesting is that all those years I spent neg and constantly worrying about converting to poz, I used to think to myself, "what would I really do if I actually did become poz?" One thing that always jumped into my mind was, "well, I would probably have to kill myself." So after thinking that for these past few years and my nightmare became a reality, it's now what I am currently grappling with. I didn't have another back up plan. I know there are people who would still love and accept me with HIV. The problem is, I don't know who those people are. Most people in my life are pretty straight edge. I don't have many gay friends. Most of the friends I have are straight and in committed relationships. Those not in relationships and are promiscuous, practice safe sex. I am not saying that they are at NO risk to get HIV themselves, but they are in probably the lowest risk category. HIV to them is a foreign concept. It's not something they fear and it's not something they think about. So, I don't know how they would handle it if I came out and told them I had it. I don't know who would accept me and who would alienate me. And once it's out there, word spreads like wildfire. That is why I have been VERY secretive about telling any family/friends just yet. You are right- I don't want to throw in the towel. But at the same time, I really cannot imagine any form of help bringing me round from the state of mind that I am in. The HIV may be a manageable condition, but I feel like the mental damage and depression I suffer largely because of it is like a terminal disease. And it's that terminal disease that I feel no therapist, no group, no doctor and no person may be able to help me with.

bearbandit, though I am thankful that there are advanced medications that make this a much more survivable illness than what used to be, it's not really the issue that's driving me to this. If I was given a guarantee today that I could take one pill a day, everyday, for the rest of my life without side effects, and I would be healthy as a horse and die from old age, I STILL would be having suicidal thoughts regardless. I think a group is the best way for me to go at this point. Problem is my schedule- I work two jobs, CRAZY hours and the night they meet is one of the nights I work. So I have to get that all figured out. But once I do, I plan to attend a meeting. I am hoping I don't make any rash decisions before then.

Tiger, thank you for the referral to the Pride Institute. Unfortunately, with everything I have going on with work, there is just no way I could take that time off of work. Even if I could, I'm not sure how I could slip past my friends and family and just tell them that I'm disappearing for a couple of weeks. I think there are a few sources of misery, but this HIV diagnosis has been the most major one and has brought all the others to the surface. As you said, this may be one of the first things that frees me and allows me to be who I am meant to be. I have thought about that. In all honesty, I think to be who I want to be, I will have to move away from where I am now. That's something I have thought about doing- maybe an east to west coast move. I don't really have the means to do that right now, but it is something I am considering.

layedback, I get what you're saying about being able to live a long, fulfilling life with all the advances in medicine and technology. I've heard it over and over again- the drugs work, it's not a death sentence anymore, just a pill a day, etc. That's not what's driving my suicidal thoughts. It's only a small part of it. Living under the stigma of HIV along with a multitude of other issues I have (and have had before the poz diagnosis) are what are more or less driving it. I do have a lot of other unresolved issues, which I'm not going to start discussing here (you'd be here all day reading it if I did). Depression amplifies the implication of these issues. Depression also runs wild on my mother's side of the family. My mother and my sister suffer from it. My sister has gone to therapy, but refuses to take medication for depression, despite her psychiatrist's high recommendations for her to get on medication. My mother just denies that she suffers from depression and would just rather sulk in misery when she has her episodes. Most of my cousins (and I have many) are on Lexipro. My uncle tried to kill himself a few years ago when his wife divorced him. So clearly, you can see I have a disposition for depression, but it affects everyone in my family in different ways. For me, it seems to manifest itself in self-blame, poor self image, hopelessness for the future and a general feeling that the world doesn't need me and would probably be better without me. Add an HIV diagnosis on top of all that and it's like the final nail in the coffin. So like I said, I'm trying to get this all sorted out. Not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I'll figure it out sooner or later.

wood, thanks again for the encouraging words. A friend of mine who is also recently poz suggested it to me too. He has been in therapy for a couple of years and said it is very valuable. Two reasons I am hesitant to go to a therapist for professional help- 1) It is expensive and I am strapped for cash right now and 2) I imagine it as going session after session to listen to someone validate my current feelings and then tell me how I should be feeling... Hardly valuable to me. I imagine it to be a waste of my time and money. I could be wrong, but that's what I imagine it to be. Up to now, I have only told two other people about this suicide attempt: two friends of mine who are both poz. One friend took a supportive approach and talked a lot with me about it as well as made suggestions such as getting into therapy and staying away from substances like drugs or alcohol. My other friend took a bit of a stricter, more harshly worded approach. He said I was absolutely insane that I would attempt such a shameful act like suicide over an HIV diagnosis. Then again, I think he takes a bit of an unrealistic approach to what HIV actually is- he says things like "it's not even a disease anymore, it's just a condition." Basically, he makes it sound like it's just take a pill a day and you'll live forever, like it's just so fucking simple. It's hard for me to discuss matters like this with him because we seem to be on two totally different wavelengths. Like you said, it's one day at a time, but to be completely honest- HIV scares the living shit out of me when I think about my future. I never had the greatest immune system to begin with and when I think about living with this, I just think about constantly being behind the 8 ball healthwise. All I see is a miserable future ahead and that is what is giving me these thoughts about just ending it all now. I'm not sure what I am going to do just yet, but I am sure I will figure it out soon.

I think I have a pretty good idea where the anxiety is coming from. It's because I feel like the 180 that this diagnosis did to my life basically is going to bar me from doing everything I wanted to do in life and is going to just give me a future of pure misery. My life isn't going to be worth shit to my family or friends. I'm starting to feel like my life is pointless and all I'm staying alive for is to work and be miserable. So what's the point in staying alive at that point? Just be easier to be dead.

I'm not sure if this is the most appropriate place to talk about this, but at the moment, I don't know where else to go. I have reached a level of desperation in my life I have never been at before. I really, really am having a hard time talking about this, but here goes... The anxiety of my recent poz diagnosis has been weighing on me hard. When I thought that I was starting to cope with the recent diagnosis, I started realizing it's actually just the opposite. My anxiety is getting worse. Much worse. I'm coming to a realization that I don't think I can ever live peacefully with HIV and I will never accept it. Last week, I went out at night with a couple of friends drinking. Thinking it would be a good way to blow off some steam and just enjoy myself, it was just the opposite. I drank way too much and started getting all sorts of emotions- fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, you name it. My friend drove me home because I was way too drunk to drive. Sat on the couch and started thinking about my life. Asking myself, "what's the point of it anymore?" Hastily, I went into the bathroom and started swallowing a handful of pills, washing it down with vodka. I passed out face down in the bathroom and woke up shortly after puking like there was no tomorrow. When that subsided, I tried swallowing more pills but anything I tried to swallow from that point came right back up immediately. I spent the rest of the night passing out and waking up and puking over and over again. The next morning, I had the worst hangover of my life and still continued vomiting throughout the day. So clearly, my suicide attempt failed. When I sobered up, I felt extreme shame for what I did. I tried blaming it on the alcohol but let's face it- I've been drunk plenty of times in my life and never tried to kill myself. Even still, I get horrible thoughts of suicide daily. I wonder things like "well, my body rejected an attempt to poison itself, but I wonder how would my body do with rejecting a gunshot to the head?" It's awful and I've never ever felt like this before. I think I've summed it up to this- I don't want to die, but I don't want to live with HIV either. And I seriously feel like I can't. So it makes me think- what next? And that's when the suicide thoughts come into play. Has anyone else gone through this? And if so, how to overcome it? I think the only thing that has stopped me from trying again to off myself is the thoughts of how many other people I would be affecting if I did- family, friends etc. But I'm not sure if that's going to be enough to stop me. Any advice would be much MUCH appreciated.

ff-whole, sorry to hear you're having a hard time where you are as far as waiting for your test results, as well as the unavailability of PrEP and at-home OraQuick tests. I don't think anyone here is accusing you of bug chasing, but rather just trying to make you realize that your actions will make you very susceptible to HIV, regardless of if you are chasing or not. Most guys who take these same actions end up poz sooner or later. Respectfully, I don't think Poz1956 was being judgmental in his response, but rather just pragmatic. That's why we are all here after all, to be honest in our advice and opinions and not sugar coat things. I just recently became poz and my whole world has been crushed ever since... Makes me regret every ass I ever fucked raw and every load I ever took. In regard to the last part of your response, your limited options make barebacking difficult if you are trying to stay negative. Walgreens, by the way, is a big chain of pharmacy stores in the United States. I don't believe OraQuick tests are available outside of the US for sale, so that means doctor or clinic testing is your only option there. The unavailability of PrEP where you are means that you will just need to be careful and more selective of the people you BB with and the frequency with which you do it, though there is no way to eradicate the risk entirely.

Since I was diagnosed poz two months ago, I have made some very conscious decisions to stay as healthy as possible. I know from what I've read from a lot of the guys on here that it's the right thing to do. I started eating much healthier, working out regularly, cut back on smoking (trying to quit). I've noticed already that I look healthier- I dropped 10 lbs in the past month and a half and I don't look/feel as tired as I used to. What I am wondering is- why do we really take these steps to lead a healthier lifestyle? No matter what we do or how good of shape we are in, we aren't eradicating the virus. The best we can do is get undetectable on meds. So I'm just wondering, why do we really do it? I feel good that I am doing it, but in a sense I feel like I am almost just trying to compensate for the fact that I have HIV. Have any other guys felt like this?

Angry dragon? I thought it was called the "Alaskan Snow Dragon".... Lol

I once was sucking a buddy of mine and he came in my mouth, but he shot his huge load deeper toward my throat. Somehow, not sure how this happened, I guess the way him cum was going down my throat and the way I was breathing through my nose caused his cum to shoot up into my nose and come out my nostril. I didn't find it to be particularly hot, it was more funny than anything. We got a good laugh out of it. What was annoying was getting him cum fully out of my nose afterward. I had to flush water into my nose repeatedly and it felt like it was never fully cleaned out. So I would say if trying it sounds hot to you.... By all means try it, but you might be disappointed that there isn't really much hotness to it, at least from my experience.

Rayne, we could go point for point with this all day long, but the only point I was trying to get across is what the probable outcome is for a guy who wants to bareback and stay clean at the same time. Sorry if it comes across strong or seems that I'm basing my logic out of fear. I'm not trying to scare Essence or anyone else for that matter into not barebacking. He can do what he wants- it's his body and his life. I'm not running an anti-bareback campaign or trying to use fear as a means to stop anyone from barebacking. Even take any neg dude who wants to put his ass in the air for any and all guys to load up, I wouldn't try to stop them. BUT, when someone like Essence in this case, mentions they are neg and want to stay that way and asks whether they should or shouldn't take the BB plunge, I'll candidly share my experience, which has probably been the experience of many others too. Sure, there are some guys who aren't bothered by the thought of getting HIV. Some even welcome it. I even have a dude right now hitting me up constantly on BBRT to "charge him up" which I refuse to do and he doesn't understand why. But, if a guy like Essence ended up with HIV from barebacking, do you not think that he would be very bothered by it? Once again, consider his original thread. The risk taking point is a non issue at this point. I won't even try to argue it any further. Bottom line is barebacking is a slippery and dangerous slope for anyone to go down, whether they mind getting pozzed or not.

While I am not going to judge anything you say, I will say that your view, poptronic, is definitely one that is biased. Then again, we're all biased; but my implication is that your recent pozzing may be skewing your response, for better or worse only time will tell. Nothing negative meant by the comment, just an observation to consider. I hate sounding condescending when I don't mean to be, so my apologies if it came off as such. However, considering what you've said, we should also consider your reaction to this in a different light. I'll use my motorcycle example, since it's a fairly good one (in my opinion): if I were to crash, and I managed a mangled leg to the point of amputation, should I beat myself up in spite of the accident, or try to learn a lesson from it? I could be hard on myself for taking the risk, but I could learn a lesson from how I managed the risks by the safety precautions I took to prevent further injuries, and so. The lesson I learn is subject to my interpretation of the odds regarding my accident; I'm much more likely to be in any accident on a motorcycle, but even just walking down a walkway next to a main road subjects me to an accident with a vehicle (albeit a minor chance). We take risks every day, with every decision we make; what many forget to think about is whether we find these risks worth taking at the time we make our decisions. Yes, bareback sex is very risky, and it can very well and up in a lifelong change to your lifestyle, and compromise your health quite drastically; however, is the risk worth the pleasure we obtain from it? Looking at it from the abstract point of view, are the risks of serious injury worth leaving your home for a gallon of milk? Naturally, every one of us needs to consider the risks involved with sex, but we need to make decisions based on whether we feel the risk is worth it, instead of basing our decisions on some sort of fear. It should also be noted that while, in the short term, risky sex may cause unwanted side effects, over the long term, it will actually help increase the immune system due to the constant risk of infections. In the long term, safe sex and monogamy are ultimately bad for all species; this is similar to the theory that sterilised environments creating a better breeding ground for superbugs/viruses because of the lack of practice our immune systems get on germs. Again, just another idea to consider, but it is not intended to create bias one way or the other. Now, while many of us moved to bareback only after we started indulging in it, there many who have gone back to safe sex; this forum skews the observation of these facts, since this is a bareback forum, but it's true nonetheless. I have actually met a fair amount of people (of all sexual identities/genders) that have switched back to protected sex because they didn't think the risks were worth taking. While it's much less likely that the OP, Essence, is going to resort to safer sex down the road after a single bareback session, primarily due to the feeling and the thrill that he may enjoy, it's possible the fear/risk is not entirely going to be worth a repeat performance. We won't know his particular response until after he makes his decision, and follows through with it, granted he makes the decision to bareback. As mentioned by most of us, and in my previous link, tests only verify that the person was negative/positive as of a certain time frame, so there is definitely a risk involved. Even if the guy topping him pulls out, I believe there is still a risk of micro tears/abrasions that could potentially lead to him being susceptible to infection from precum; don't quote me on it, as this is simply recollection from past research, and I could be remembering incorrectly. Whatever the case, I'm glad that Essence is taking the time to consider the choice wisely, instead of making an impulsive decision. The fact that he's asking a group, who's combined knowledge on STDs is quite massive on the collective scale, means that this will likely be a choice made with careful thought (even if the decision is made up on the spot when the time comes). In a round about way, I'm really just repeating myself, but I think it expansion was warranted on some level. Personally, I think he should take the plunge, and base the rest of his sexual encounters on the solo event; however, I don't consider my opinion to be the correct route, as it's just one route to consider. And, while I do value what you've said, poptronic, I think your view is a little too biased to merit neutrality; again, I mean that with no disrespect, in any way. It is valuable, nonetheless, as it does yield the value from someone in your position; and if it's taken over mine, or anyone else's for that matter, I think the outcome will be positive (no pun intended, but I can't think of any other way to word it safely... "safely" was a pun... I'll stop now lol). Rayne, you made some good points here, but respectfully, I'm going to agree to disagree with a few of them. Yes, the opinions I expressed are absolutely biased. But they are biased for exactly the same reason the OP, Essence, posted the original thread. He is neg and wants to bareback, but is afraid of the risks. I was in exactly the same boat five years ago and I chose to bareback, though I was unaccepting of the risks that go with it. I chose to bareback, but it created a constant aura of fear and conflict in my mind. If Essence wants to remain disease free and chooses to bareback, he will be in exactly the same boat. There is no way to safely bareback unless one goes on PrEP or is in a 100% monogamous relationship and even in those cases, there are still no guarantees. PrEP isn't perfect and a person who is thought to be staying monogamous can stray and bring HIV back to his unsuspecting partner. As for the "everyone take risks everyday" argument, I've heard this one before but I don't buy it. Driving a car to work, a person has a risk of getting into a fatal crash, yes. But that is a necessary risk one has to take. If people didn't take the necessary risks to live their everyday lives, where would we be in the world? Barebacking is no different than skydiving, riding a crotch rocket at 120 mph, or doing dangerous drugs. Those things are not necessary risks to living everyday life. Those are dangerous behaviors that can lead to unwanted results. If a man gets into a fatal car crash on his way to work, is anyone at his funeral going to say, "he really should NOT have been driving to work that morning." Or if someone gets sick from food poisoning eating at a restaurant, is anyone going to tell her that she should not have been eating out at a restaurant? No. But rather if someone is engaging in risky behaviors, like riding a crotch rocket very fast and dies, people are going to shake their heads at his funeral at how foolishly he died. So I'm not trying to tell Essence that he should or should not bareback. What I am trying to do is paint a picture from my own personal experience as to what can happen to a person who does while trying to stay negative. We are all informed individuals, but sometimes just being informed is not enough. Essence knows bareback sex is a risk, but he can understand its implications better if he sees the experience through someone else's eyes who has suffered the consequences.

My two cents... If you've never barebacked before and you're not ready for the possibility of picking up an STD, namely HIV, you shouldn't bareback with this guy, or any guy for that matter. This advice is coming from someone who had barebacked for five years, both as a top and a bottom, and recently converted to poz. I am looking at your situation similar to how I look at mine... I should have never started barebacking. Why? Because I was never mentally prepared for the possibility of getting HIV, though I wasn't willing to compromise on barebacking either. Now that I have HIV, I am kicking myself and beating myself up with regret. As others above have mentioned, even if your prospective partner is telling the truth about being tested neg two months ago (that really means he was definitely negative as of FIVE months ago due to the window period), anything could have happened in that time and he could be poz and not even know it. That also would make him the most dangerous partner you could possibly have as he is the top and would likely have a high viral load. It may just be one partner, but it is still a risk. True, HIV risk becomes cumulative in the sense that the person who has had 100 raw partners is at higher risk to contract HIV than a person who has had 10 raw partners. And that person who has had 10 raw partners is at higher risk than the person who has had 1 partner. Now, I don't want to get too far into the hypotheticals with "this could happen and that could happen." Chances are that he really did test neg and still is neg. So, let's start with that. Suppose you do meet up with him. He fucks you and gives you your first bareback experience. Breeds you for the first time with his neg load. Guess what, buddy? You're hooked! Are you going to want to go back to condoms after you see how much of a different world sex is without them? Chances are, no, you're not. BUT... You still want to stay neg and disease free. Unless you go on PrEP, if you continue to bareback, you will be in the same shit boat that I was in for five years. Here's how that game gets played: You play raw again and again and again and again. You justify playing raw based on the false faith that the person who you barely know ("you neg, ddfree?" is the question that gets asked. "Yes? Awesome, let's fuck!"). You then constantly have it on your mind- the worry about having caught something from one of the guys you played with. Every two to three months, you very nervously go get tested. The test comes back negative. You breathe a sigh of relief, even though that test is still not 100% accurate because you are still in the window period from other guys you have recently played with. You tell yourself things like you are going to start barebacking only with one or two regular buddies and go safe with anyone else. But... that never happens. And after a couple of years, it becomes a learnt behavior: You play around raw, you get tested and the test is always neg. Why should your next test be any different? If you're lucky, that test will always be neg. If you're unlucky, that test will come back poz sooner than later. But the truth is, if you regularly bareback (especially as a bottom), it's likely only a matter of time. In my case it took five years for that test to come back poz. To conclude, whatever way you try to ensure your partner(s)'s neg status, there is always going to be some level of risk. Everyone has the right to make their own decision about that risk. Some guys have given up on trying to "serosort" their partners and are actually looking for a guy to give them HIV (I have a guy who is after me right now to "charge him up" and I refuse to do it). Some guys have accepted the risk and are totally okay with it if they convert. Other guys are not really okay with converting, but will figure shit out if they do, so they accept the risk. Then there are guys who absolutely don't want HIV and will try to avoid it at all costs, including refusal to bareback. Figure out where you stand in this ranking and make your decision based on that. But if you are truly trying to avoid HIV, I wouldn't recommend starting to bareback, especially as a bottom. Once you become a regular bareback bottom, it is more than likely that it would only be a matter of time before you convert also.

poz0712, I'm sorry to hear that your treatment has been difficult so far. I really hope you and your doctor are able to find a solution that works and that you can get on an easy and effective treatment plan that will keep you from having to see the doctor so frequently. In response to your first post on this thread about seeing undetectable as being a milestone... I'm not there yet because I haven't yet started treatment, but once I do start, I think undetectable will be my first milestone. Why do I think poz guys see it as a milestone? Well, let's look at it like this- the majority of guys who are poz likely wish that they were still neg. Now, we know that is impossible, at least until there is a cure. Undetectable, to me, seems to be the closest thing to being neg for a poz guy. Look at the benefits of being undetectable: 1) Your medication, as long as you're taking it, is keeping the virus suppressed to points low enough where it won't do damage to your immune system. 2) Because of the aforementioned reason, you will likely stay as healthy as a neg person, without being sick all the time. 3) The suppression of the virus in your system makes it highly unlikely (I never use the word "impossible") to transmit the virus to others, making you a low risk to other guys you play with. 4) As long as you take your meds and keep the virus at undetectable levels, it won't progress to stages where it will hurt or ultimately kill you. I think these are the reasons why undetectable is the first milestone for poz guys. To us, it means that we have reached the capacity where WE control the virus and not the other way around. Again, I really hope that you can and do reach that point.

Tiger, I basically just want to get to that point where you are now- where I can take my pill in the morning, go through my day like normal without constantly having HIV on my mind. I mean, what kind of way would that be for a person to live? As for support groups, there is one near where I live called NJ Buddies. It is a group for all people living with HIV/AIDS and different nights of the week, they have different groups. Monday night is specifically for gay men, so that is likely the one I would go to. I am kind of nervous about going. Oddly enough, my nervousness about going has nothing to do with the HIV part of it, but rather, because I tend to get social anxiety when I go to social settings where I don't know anyone. Though I get nervous about meeting new people, I tend to make friends easily once I do. I just need to suck it up and go. Good looks on filling me in on the site hivster.com. Thanks for that. I am actually shocked that I haven't come across that site before with all the googling around I have been doing for different HIV resources. I went to it before and it looks like a pretty comprehensive and informative site, so I am interested to see what lies within.