VersatileBreeder

For anyone following this thread who is interested... I actually just started up my blog. It's called "Life Going From Negative to Positive." I am anticipating that I will be writing some really good articles that many of you may find interesting. Again, the purpose of the blog (aside from being therapeutic for me as I like writing) is to be thought-provoking, entertaining at certain points, reflective, HOT (yes, there will be some graphic articles), and also somewhat educational. I am writing the blog under the name "Cooper Slayton," which is a combination of a couple of alter ego nicknames I have had throughout the years (don't ask), but it's not my real name in case you were wondering. I just posted the first article today, titled "Fear of the Bug in the Early Years." It is pretty short. I think some of my upcoming articles will be longer. It basically is about how I carried a real fear of HIV from childhood- all true stuff. The web link is http://neg2poz.blogspot.com/2014/02/fear-of-bug-in-early-years.html. Let me know what you guys think! Feel free to comment either on here or on the blog page itself.

Thanks hungry hole. Though I am not sure keeping contact with him for another 6 weeks is the best idea. First, I read somewhere that 95% or 98% of newly poz people would show poz on an OraQuick test by 6 weeks. Not to sound callous, but given what I am dealing with, those odds are good enough for me, given his risk factor. If I were to call him today and say, "by the way, that test you took yesterday has a 90 day window and you took it at 45 days, so even though you're PROBABLY really neg, we won't know for sure for another 6 weeks," it would be a disaster. I would have to listen to him for the next 6 weeks screaming about how he is going to show poz when he tests next. Point blank, I want this kid out of my life and I think that test he took yesterday was his ticket out.

Sorry JizzDump, I forgot to answer your question. No, not on meds yet. Doctor has to get my blood results back (either this week or next) and when all those come back, he will be putting me on meds.

I get what you're saying BAMFJOCKS, but keep in mind, this kid wasn't a problem before this. Sure I always thought he was a little drama filled and immature, but that's why we were never anything more than fuck buds. We would meet, we would fuck and we would both go our separate ways. That's how it always was. I never had to deal with anything on this scale with this kid until today.

To be honest, I'm going to let this settle right now. Our conversation after he took the test, he basically implied that there is nothing for him to get bent out of shape about and that he is going to drop this thing. Now as far as blocking his number, I thought about that. Though if I do that and he tries to contact me for any reason, he will know that I did and that might infuriate him and may make him want to find me. Remember what I said- the kid has PROBLEMS. I am saving his texts JUST in case, but I have no plans of contacting him any further. As far as going to the police, I am not going to do that unless he harasses me any further. Honestly, at this point, I don't think he will. He is so HIV-phobic (and I thought I was bad when I was neg), that he will probably want nothing to do with me going forward. So as far as police reports, nothing for right now. Like my father always told me... Don't make problems where there is no problem.

Rayne and BAMFJOCKS, who do you mean when you say "these people," that I am giving "these people" control of my life? I just want to keep this HIV status to myself. Is that so bad? Rayne- once again, I appreciate your feedback, but I still don't think you fully get me, or really get what happened today. I woke up totally relaxed. I wasn't stressing. I am starting to live peacefully knowing I have HIV, even though it hasn't been even three weeks yet. I am starting to think about it less and less. When I informed this dude this morning about my status he went crazy and threatened to out me and my status to everyone. I forgot to mention that he knows where I work, I'm a teacher. If you were a teacher, would you want some kid marching into the administration office to tell them about how they have a teacher in the school with HIV that infected him? Well, luckily his test came back negative, but if it came back positive, who knows what he would have done? Like I said, he has serious issues. There is a lot on the line for me and if anyone is going to tell anybody about my status, it will be me, no one else. Can you really blame me for getting rattled up about this today? If you were in my shoes, would you not have been too? If this never happened this morning, my day would have been fine. I wasn't going to carry my day on with a constant "waaaaaahhh, I have HIV and I don't know what to do..." No, I'm past that stage. But this kid threw me a curveball I wasn't ready for.

Just to update... This guy texted me about 40 minutes ago saying that he went out and bought an OraQuick test and is going to do it. Also said that I better "pray that the test is negative, though I know it's going to be positive." Here's how our text conversation went after that... ME: You don't know it's going to be positive. In fact, it's much more likely going to come back negative because you were the top, putting you at substantially lower risk. HIM: BUT YOU HAVE HIV!!!! WE DIDN'T USE A CONDOM!! HOW CAN IT POSSIBLY BE NEGATIVE?!?!?!?! YOU KILLED ME, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?!?! YOU FUCKING KILLED ME!!! ME: Just take the test and let me know what the outcome is. Is it unbelievable how naive he is about HIV? Ten minutes later, he texted me frantic that there was a line appearing on the test. I asked him which line and he said next to the C. Did he even read the instructions??? I told him that's normal and wait another 10-15 minutes before reading the test. 20 minutes later he texted me again to tell me there is only one line at the C on the test. I told him that means it's negative. He texted me back a few minutes later with these exact words, "I'm so sorry I accused you earlier. May God be with you." Really?!?! A few hours ago he was threatening to ruin my life and now he's bringing God into it?? I told him I forgive him but he really needs to 1) learn how to manage his anger and 2) start using condoms because he clearly thinks that HIV is not a possibility for him to catch and it is. He called me and we had a conversation about it. He also said that we should look for the guy who pozzed me to get back at him. He said he would help me because that guy put me at risk, which then put him at risk. I told him thank you, but I don't get off on revenge, it doesn't solve anything. He clearly does have severe anger issues. Anyway, this neg OraQuick test was 6 weeks since our encounter. Mine was at 5 when it showed results. How accurate should I take that for?

I agree, it's why I generally *usually* stay away from younger guys too. Way too much drama.

Bearbandit, I completely agree with you. Though I am not sure if his reaction is just out of panic. He has issues. One of those being complete lack of responsibility for himself. That's not an opinion, it's written all over this kid... He lives with his parents, has no job, not in school, no car, no aspirations for anything (except smoke pot and fuck), mooches everything off everyone else. So when I told him this he basically ignored entirely the fact that it's his responsibility where he puts his dick. He didn't want to hear any of it, instead just put it all on me, like I did this to him. AND he still hasn't even been tested yet to know if he has anything to worry about! He wants to believe that the whole world is on his side and I am some criminal that needs to be taken care of. I told him if he shows up to my house ever, alone or with anyone, I'm calling the cops. He texted me back that his uncle is the sheriff in his town, like that automatically overrides the law. He is very naive on how the world works and he thinks it works around him. Believe me, I saved every threatening text message he sent me. If there is one thing I learned in life, it's that if someone wants to start any kind of case against you, let them go on a tirade and work against themselves while you work on your defense. Instead of threatening him back, I kept a cool head and just responded with messages telling him he needs to test, not threaten me, etc. My concern isn't so much the legal system. I am confident he has nothing on me. My bigger concern is what else he might try to do to ruin my life. He has a piece of information that can ruin me if the wrong people hear about it. That's what worries me.

RawTop, thanks for the advice, but I don't think that's gonna work as a deterrent here. First, I know for certain it wasn't him who pozzed me. My fuck flu symptoms started literally a day after he and I last met and it had been months before since I had seen him last. There was another encounter I had about 12 days before him that I highly suspect was the poz encounter. I don't want to get too into the details but it's the most suspect. Second, if I tell him that it was him that pozzed me, that's only going to open up a whole can of worms. He will freak, thinking he really is poz and still try to turn it back on me. He may very well be neg in all actuality. But he is 19, and in that generation of kids who refuse to ever take responsibility for their own actions, there's always someone else to blame.

I swear since I found out I am poz, I just cannot catch a break. It's just been one thing after the next. Here's the latest... Last night I had a dream about an ex 19 year old fuck bud of mine and when I woke up, I remembered that he had fucked me once a couple of weeks before I found out I was poz, probably two weeks after I converted. When I woke up, I realized I forgot about this encounter and I never told him. I texted him and told him about how I recently found out I was poz and he needs to get tested. He absolutely flew off the handle. He called me right away and was screaming things so fast and loud, I couldn't even understand him. I told him to calm down, he didn't so I hung up. He texted me and made a bunch of threats. He said that his aunt is a high powered lawyer and he will sue me for involuntary manslaughter. Then he said that his uncle is the sheriff in his town and he is going to come up to my house with him right now. He said he was going to tell my roommate, then find my girlfriend and my family and tell them everything. He said that my life is basically over and he was going to see to it that my life is ruined. I pleaded with him to calm down. I tried to assure him that when we met last, I had been tested just a few weeks prior and it was neg (which is the truth). He didn't care and didn't want to take any responsibility for for his own action. He told me that I was a "dead man," and he knows a lot of people who are going to "bring me down." I told him he needs to get tested and that's the only thing he can do right now. He called me names like "diseased AIDS whore" and "the walking devil." He said I must have given him HIV (though he hasn't been tested since the incident). It was just one threat after the next. He said that he can't come up today to me "because of the snow, but make no mistake, I'm coming for you." I always knew this kid had a temper, but clearly he has serious anger issues. I don't know if he is just making a series of empty threats or if he is serious. I don't know what he is capable of or what he will try to put me up against. Under the legalities of HIV (I'm in NJ), did I do anything wrong here? It's clearly documented the date I learned I was HIV+ and it was after I met him. I need this to become a public spectacle like I need a hole in the head right now. What would you guys do in this situation?

Rayne, I appreciate your comments, but I am having trouble understanding your rationale. I'm not trying to disagree with you here but there are a few points you made that I want to counter... 1) You are saying that I am assuming I know the reaction my parents will have. Believe me, I am not assuming. I KNOW the reaction they will have. Not telling them is more for their sake than it is mine. My mother just lost her sister at a young age to cancer two years ago and is still sad about it. On top of that, she has the stress of taking care of my elderly grandparents who suffer from dementia and deteriorating health. She needs to hear that her son is HIV+ like she needs a hole in the head right now. I just cannot do that to her, it will kill her. Same goes for my father. 2) I don't really understand what you mean when you said "Either don't hide, and treat it like it isn't a big deal, or tell them." I basically want to treat it like it isn't a big deal and not tell them. As long as I can take meds and stay healthy, then there is nothing to gain from telling them. There is nothing that they will be able to do to help me or change my situation. Like I said before, only bad can come from them knowing. 3) When it comes to being the type of person who wants to make everyone else happy, yeah, I kind of am a people-pleaser. But I also understand that you cannot make everyone happy all the time. What I am trying to avoid here, is making everyone sad and wrecking their lives. My family aren't the type of people though who care only about their own happiness. Yes, they want to be happy, but they also thrive on making others happy too. But like I said, I don't want to make this a worrying stress factor in their lives. There is just no need for it and nothing that can be gained from it. Again, thank you for your feedback. But I really think I am going to follow my ID doctor's advice when I asked him who I should tell. His response was "keep it to yourself. Only tell people on a need to know basis" (as in, those at risk of contracting it from me, like sex partners).

Damn straight on that one! Thanks again for the referral!

I'm confused... Either I missed something in your story or this clinic really messed something up. So, if I have this right... 1) You took an oral test and it came up positive, then... 2) They didn't confirm it with a Western Blot test(?), then... 3) An HIV doctor put you on meds and... 4) Tested your blood for viral load and said it was abnormally low, so.... 5) Gave you another oral test, which came back negative. Did I get that right? What confuses me about this is two things. First, how could the clinic confirm your positive result without a confirmatory test? Secondly, how does your doctor claim that your viral load is abnormally low if you don't have HIV to begin with? No HIV should equal NO viral load, not abnormally low viral load.

Kloik and bb1991- Trust me, having sex with her right now is the last thing on my mind. Not only is it dangerous, but it is also utterly pointless and counter-productive. The risk of spreading HIV to her is too great and scary. Also, it is showing her that I want to further the relationship, which is exactly what I DON'T want to do. So no worries, we will not be having any sex.

Rayne, this is a bit complicated, but I am willing to explain... In short, the reason I am hiding this from my family is because telling them will do way more harm than good. First and foremost, my parents are incredibly homophobic. They have no idea that I am into guys... at all. I never let them on to that. Now, I realize that many on this site will see their homophobia as offensive and repressive. I agree, it is. They are incredibly old school Italian people. Their views on homosexuals are distorted. They think homosexuality is something a person chooses. I was watching the news once with my father and there was a clip of the gay pride parade on that night. My father shook his head and said, "can you imagine having a gay son?" My mom shook her head in disapproval at the thought. I just shrugged it off and didn't say anything, but it really stabbed me like a knife that my parents think that way. Despite all this, they are my parents and I love them to death. They gave me everything, made sacrifices for my sisters and I and they have done everything right in raising me. If I have to disclose to them that I am into guys they will be crushed. That's only the tip of the iceberg. Now onto the heavy shit... If I tell them I got infected with HIV, it will absolutely kill them. I may as well tell my mother that her son died because that is how she will take the news. She will lose an insane amount of sleep, which happens ANY time she has even the slightest worry on her mind (example: she didn't sleep for a week when my sister was planning her wedding and chose to get married under a tent by the beach instead of a church). She will be stricken with fear and worry that will overtake her life. My father will be distraught about it and would likely disown me because he can't deal with the shame that he has a gay son, who ALSO has HIV. And he would probably beat himself up over it thinking that it's somehow his fault, like maybe he didn't spend enough father-son time with me when I was younger. Clearly, I can't do this to my parents. What's the point? So, it's not so much that I am embarrassed. It's more or less just trying to maintain damage control.

Thanks for the responses guys. I actually just went for dinner with her this evening. We were just shooting the usual shit- life, work, family, friends, etc. The timing definitely didn't feel right to interject with the news, but God, one side of me really wanted to tell her. The other side was rationalizing that it's not I can't tell her and this for sure is not the right time. I know some of you guys felt that the right thing to do is tell her, while others felt I shouldn't tell her if I'm not comfortable. Here are some things to take into consideration that I didn't mention: 1) If she finds out that I am HIV+, she will not freak out in fear that she was possibly exposed. Why not? Back in the summer, after we had been sexually active for some time, she went on the pill. Knowing that we were going to have unprotected sex, she suggested we both get tested and I agreed it was a good idea. I was honest that I have "been with a few people" (though I didn't delve into how many) and she claimed it was a long time, but she also had a couple of partners in the past. We both got tested and each of our results were clear across the board. 2) I have not told ANYONE except for one gay friend of mine who is also poz. He is the only friend that knows. Everyone else- my family, friends, co-workers, etc have no idea and I want to keep it that way. I asked my ID doctor today if he had any suggestions of if I should tell anyone. His recommendation- keep it on a need to know basis. Unless someone is at risk of getting it from me (e.g. a sex partner), keep it to myself. If I tell her, even if she promises not to tell anyone, it's still now out there. 3) She has a very good relationship with my mom and my sisters. She talks to them all the time. I would be so afraid if she knew the truth, she might worry so much about me not having a support system that she might cave and tell them out of pure worry. I CANNOT have that happen. 4) She loves me insanely. Even though it has only been a year. She would take a bullet for me. Quite frankly, these are the reasons why I think she is too good for me. It's a slap in her face that while we were on a break and all she wanted was to get back together with me, I was fucking around behind her back and wound up getting HIV. That will hurt her so bad. On top of that, she is naive about HIV. To her, HIV = AIDS = Death. One track mind. She will think I am going to be dead in a few years and that will wreck her. After everything she has done for me, I cannot put her through that.

You guys are the best. Seriously. I put up this thread two weeks ago in a total state of panic with the hopes that a couple of people would respond with some information and advice that *might* calm me down. Two weeks and sixty-something replies later, I have gotten a wealth of knowledge I probably wouldn't have gotten elsewhere and words of encouragement and advice that really helped boost my morale. I really can't thank you guys enough. I just hope that one day I may be able to pay it forward and help some 29 year old guy that falls into these shoes and is scared out of his mind. I will keep you guys posted on things going forward. Also, since I love writing and its therapeutic for me, I was thinking about writing a blog that basically talks about how I got to where I am today at this crossroads, and how I feel going forward. The blog will have several chapters, almost like an autobiography. It is going to be written brutally honest, raunchy at times and heartfelt and introspective at others. It will help me to vent all this out and also give other guys with interest on the topic some reading material. If you're interested, let me know and I will send the web link for it.

A few of you guys had been following my thread in the HIV/Sexual Heath Issues section about how I recently turned poz and was scared out of my mind. You all offered great advice and words of encouragement, which I thank you for. There is another issue I am dealing with that is tagging onto this one. Wondering how some of you guys would handle it. Story goes... I am bi and have a girlfriend. I left this out of my other thread because it was irrelevant at the time. Now that I have a clearer head, I am bringing it up because it is something I have to deal with. To answer your questions (because I know alarms are going off in your heads right now), the answer is no, she was never at risk of getting HIV from me. We were together for nearly a year until the summer and we took a break. Got back together about a week before I started having fuck flu symptoms. We haven't had sex since the summer, at which time I know I was neg. I had two tests from August to November that proved that. So, no risk issues for her. My issue is she has no idea I am into guys at all. NONE. And she has even less of an idea that I am a total fuck pig when it comes to guys. I was more sweet, smooth and passionate with her in bed. I have not let her on to believe that anything is wrong in my life right now. She thinks all is well and normal. I know I have to end this relationship, as much as it pains me to do so. My New Years resolution was to be more true to her and not a total whore behind her back. Of course, I would have maintained one or two fuck buds, but I wanted to make it work with her. Clearly, now that is no longer a possibility. I know a serodiscordant relationship is possible, but she would never go for that. I don't want her to mix her up with this issue of mine anyway. I know I have to end things soon but I don't know how. I either have to lie and make it sound like I am not happy in the relationship, which will kill her and kill me even more because I know I am breaking her heart based on a lie. The other option is to tell her the truth, that I am HIV+. That is going to throw her. She will want to know how I got it. What would I tell her? Right now, nobody in my life knows about my HIV status and I want to keep it that way. What would you guys do if you were in my shoes?

Went to the doctor and he was great! This was pretty much just the consultation and blood drawing.... They drew about all the blood out of my left arm. But for some reason, when I left there today, I felt relieved. I was nervous about going there, but I felt good when I left. Probably the best I've felt since I found out I was poz. We'll see how it goes...

There is actually a study going on in Finland. A Finnish company called FIT BioTech group is working in conjunction with top American and European pharmaceutical companies and they developed a vaccine to begin testing next year in humans. Not to get too scientific, but the vaccine works by transporting immunized genes into the body that will replicate and build a permanent barrier against HIV. In HIV+ patients, this could either stop the progression of the virus, basically making it an indefinitely dormant non-progressing virus OR at best, can eliminate the virus completely. In HIV- patients, this will be a vaccine giving immunization against the virus. I know it all sounds a little bit out there, but it's been 30 years now, billions of dollars spent in research. Treatments have been getting better and better, a vaccine has got to be close.

Hey guys just checking in... In the waiting room at the ID doctor, first appointment. I'm so nervous and I don't know why. I'll check in a little later and let you know how it went.

This really depends. I can go either way on this one. I have had guys flake on me at the last minute and I could have seen that coming from a mile away. Either they just didn't sound serious about meeting or something else was just off. Then they just cut off communication and don't show. These are the guys that I never give a second chance to because I know they are full of shit. In some cases, it can go the other way. I once was making plans with this hot top who wanted to fuck me later in the evening at his place. I texted him to tell him I was getting ready. He texted me back acknowledging that. About a half hour later, I texted him to get his address and there was no response. Texted him a couple more times and still no response. The next day, he texted me to apologize for the night before. He said he laid down for a few minutes and completely just passed out. Said he must have been more tired than he thought. At first, I thought he was full of shit. I thought maybe he found another hook-up or just decided to go out. Well, one week later, he texted me asking if I wanted to come over. I asked if he was going to flake again and he said "no, I promise." I was hesitant, but I took a shot and took him up on it. I came over and he fucked me and loaded me up so good. Just the kind of top that I like. We met up a few times after that with no issues. So, I guess that sometimes, it can pay off to give a guy a second chance.

Hey there guys. Well, it's been a full week since I got the news. This has been the longest week of my life, but I have had a lot of time to think. To be honest, I have been holding up much better than I thought I would. When I used to think about what I might do if I ever saw the day that I got the news that I was poz, I used to think that I would have a complete breakdown and go suicidal, literally. Thankfully, that is not the case. So, I have an appointment at a doctor's office that specializes in HIV treatment. Thank you for the recommend, fillmyholeftl. I hope they are as good as you say they are. That appointment is this Wednesday and hopefully, with all the lab results that I have hard copies of, they will get me on meds ASAP. And I am hoping they are resourceful enough to find a way to be able to get me on meds that don't break me in half financially. Like I said, I have had a lot of time to think about things. The mental anguish that I can never get married and have a family (yes, I am bi and that was something I was hoping to be able to do) kills me. I still hate that I have to keep this a secret from everyone, but I don't have many gay friends and I don't know how they will take it. I can't even tell my roommate. He's my best friend in the world and has been for the last 10 years. He's got a lot of anxiety and OCD issues that tie into hypochondria and germophobia. If I told him, he would likely move out or distance himself from me in fear that he'll catch it if we so much as drink from the same glass. Physically, I have been feeling a little off. My entire body feels like all my muscles are fatigued, weak and tense. Not sure if this is the anxiety of the news causing it or an effect of the HIV infection. Has anyone felt this after converting? I feel so weak and tired. Also, I have been having night sweats, though they are becoming less frequent and less intense. Anyone ever get those? All in all, I have been seeing two faces of HIV with all the reading up I have been doing this week. There is the classic approach that says it is a deadly virus that causes AIDS, people are still dying from it, it isn't curable, if you don't already have it don't get it, etc etc. Then there is the new school face I see, the optimistic, hopeful face that says it is no longer a death sentence, the meds are manageable and people are living long, healthy, normal lifespans with them. I am trying to see the sunnier side of it and be optimistic. Another question I have for all you guys who have once been in my shoes... After finding out you were poz and you were able to get on a med routine and start feeling physically healthy with low or undetectable VL, etc, how long did it take for your mental health to come back? Did you feel like your old self before you converted? That's what I want to get back to, but I want to have an idea how long it takes people to get there. And I know everyone is different, but I just want to have an idea.

Thanks for your response, AgentColby. I have already gone and made an appointment with a doctor that is part of an infectious disease specialist group said to be one of the best in the area for dealing with HIV. I am sure that this doctor will have all the resources necessary to find how I can afford meds. Because of the job that I am going to have in New Jersey in September (it is a state job), I will be required to live within the state as per new state legislation (thanks Gov. Christie), so moving to NYC is not really viable (or affordable) for me right now. I am dealing with this reasonably well considering how fresh the news is. This is only 6 days ago, I saw the faint line poz test. Between then and now, I have been able to go to work (that first night at work was rough and I was like a zombie, but that was it). I have been able to see friends and family and act like my old self without triggering any thoughts of "is something wrong?" So, once I get all this sorted out with the doc and the meds, I am sure it will be totally fine. Thanks again and stay in touch.