bearbandit

Cherish it... get to my age and you could well be talking about viagra headaches!

Is it a function of age or of HIV? Many guys of our age have managed to stay negative, have settled down into a kinda monogamy and are watching the roses grow around the front door. I even know a serodiscordant couple who been together for twenty years. My last partner died after fourteen years together: I moved to Neath for hospital access. No longer able to ride my motorbike, I didn't want to be dependent on neighbours to drive me the twenty miles to the train station. We always though John would survive me: his infection, though accidental, was completely unpredictable - when you're first on the scene when someone injecting has hit an artery instead of a vein, there's no time to glove up. I hate it when someone says to look on the bright side, but that's what I'm doing now. A friend gave me a lift from Stafford to home (a bit over a hundred miles, but a bitch of a journey on a Sunday). Despite the invites another friend (or piece of trade) didn't come through my front door until nearly three months later, a period which, coincidentally, included my birthday. Drug side effects make it difficult for me to walk. If I'm fucking with someone (which doesn't happen often) he has to come to my place or be prepared to pick me up at the train station. Even then there's no guarantee that I can get it up (thank you, diabetes). I'm compulsively honest so all my online profiles mention HIV (in the climate here you daren't not disclose). Mentioning HIV acts as a twit filter. Makes me wonder why so many men of our age are essentially celibate... Small consolation I know, but I would...

One of the most perfect forms of sex I know is 69 rimming (especially if he's got a hairy arse)

What few people recognise is that 3TC and FTC can have a similar (though from what I read, less intense) effect. The effect is much less likely with 3TC or FTC than it is with efavirenz. I'm on FTC - hate the dreams: very disturbing. Offer me efavirenz on <name that porn star>'s dick and I'd still refuse it

Jizz, UK calling - no PrEP. If he's serious he needs to follow your second suggestion and find guys who have been undetectable for (six, ideally) months. Also, I'd be cautious as the caughtlads thing originated from the north east: they've been quiet, in that their web page hasn't changed in over a month, and the tweets stopped about the same time. I'd suggest avoiding Grindr (who they were targetting) and put a free page on Gaydar or a listing on Growlr.

I'm getting used to being bottom (again) for practical reasons: I can't guarantee maintaining an erection, viagra or not. To me it's a shit happens situation and our chance to teach those up'n'coming boys how to do it right. FFS we are the experts aren't we? I'm ashamed of neither my wrinkles or my my grey hair. I'd be proud to take a youngish lad under my wing and show him how to really give Dad a good time, skills I'd hope he'd pass on to others. Not a relationship I'd expect to last. It's not as though ass-fucking is being taught in schools. In my twenties I made some horrible mistakes, and quite a few more in my thirties. I guess that's where my lust for older guys started "c'mon Dad show me how to get it right". Now I am that older guy I feel a certain obligation to pass on what I've learned, and warnings against what I've caught...

a Hump Gear - unfortunately had a bubble in the silicon near the top so first time I used is, it split. Eventually got a return note from Recon but got sick and couldn't make it to the post office. Works well enough as a stroker and like I'm going to be bothered by a little leakage if I'm getting fucked? A shame as although they make no claims for it as a condom substitute if I were running a safer sex campaign based around condoms, it would have been my "or you could use one of these...."

And where I live are less likely to have regular STI or HIV tests "because they're not really queer"... You're lucky if they go once a year, despite being up a different ass every week

Hi Mark Pleased to meet you, and especially pleased that you're so open about your disability - I have to confess my walking stick (can't walk without it) tends to get left out of profile pictures Hope you enjoy it here! Steve

I'm giving serious thought to caverject: as I have diabetes I'm used to sticking myself. Wish I'd filmed the time I used a lancet to get the blood out so I could wank with blood as a lube. Guy I was talking to enjoyed my descriptions of it though! With viagra and its analogues, always experiment and see if half a tab (or even a quarter of a tab) does the business. Even though I'm on protease inhibitors, which don't play nicely with viagra, my consultant reckons I should just demand the 100mg size (I'm prescribed the 25mg size and usually take between 37 and 50 mg)

I'm poz and a strong believer in TasP (treatment as protection) - my viral load last time was literally zero. However, I've also gone by the concept that the most cautious guy sets the safety limits. I've used this forum for many things (including the placement of my biohazard tattoo), but the question you asking here is one I refuse to answer, even though I know there's very little chance of you getting HIV from this guy. There are some decisions you have to make yourself - my tattoo question was more in the line of "what shade should we paint the living room?" whereas, however small the risk, your question is a potential life changer. Guess that's why I don't fuck much: I prefer to take the risk on myself...

Dammit! You don't FEED sick lambs... I'm Welsh, but not that Welsh!

250 - 400? I've lived most of my adult life in that range. And yes, I've had a few aids-defining illnesses (last one was about six years ago and my fault: you don't feel sick lambs without using Universal Precautions!. As others have said it's the percentage that's more important, the numbers of cells is less reliable and varies from country to country. Personally I wouldn't consider 250 - 400 as unusually low, just a warning to watch out for thrush: below 350 I tend to get genital thrush (in common with many people with diabetes) and below 250 I tend to get oesophageal thrush - both easily cleared up with flucanazole (now try changing the the stresses on that word!). Just make sure that you're not palmed off with the the single dose version: I reckon on two weeks of 50mg twice a day to get rid of the little bastard.

Somehow I kinda resent that. How about "versatile" is a top who like getting fucked once in a while? Given the variabilty of recovery time there are always going to be more bottoms than tops (one explanation for the rise in fisting in the past twenty years or so). Add in the fact that tops tend to be older, and therefore more subject to diseases of old age that affect erectile function, such as diabetes. Some of us will settle for getting fucked, even though we'd rather be the ones doing the fucking, the intimacy is more important than the role. The damage that diabetes does to whichever nerve is affects is progressive and irreparable. However, I don't need a hardon to take a riding crop, flogger, paddle or whatever to someone's ass. I have every respect for a bottom, especially one who can take what I can give out. I have little to no respect for someone who sneers at his fellow gay men.

The group I go to is a two day retreat because there isn't a group within fifty miles. Two models I've seen and experienced is a very agenda-based approach where the facilitator wants to get a certain number of facts across (almost a 12 step approach). Always room for questions and exploring a topic deeper, whether it be legal issues, how to deal with side effects should they happen, why triple (or more) therapy, how to tell people you've got HIV and how to deal with their reactions. In an agenda based group the facilitator tends to have an eye on the clock in their desire to get information over. It's a good way to start out but a bit like going to night school. I prefer emotion-based groups when the facilitator's job is more to keep someone from taking all the group's time, unless that person really needs that time. A credo of that setup is that time given to others is given ungrudgingly. A while ago I was in a group where practically the entire hour was spent on one man who had caught HIV through being raped. Note that this was part of a weekend retreat: we had the luxury of time. Even so towards the last few minutes of the group the facilitator asked if anyone wanted to bring anything else up, though it might have to go into the next session. There are a couple of outdoor-based groups in the UK, though my days of hiking for miles are behind me (if there's a number of us wanting to use the staircase I make a point of going last because of my walking speed after breaking my ankle). The point of groups like that is, I suppose, simply spending time with other PwHIV which is valuable in itself. It's very liberating to be able to let the conversation wander where it will, including discussions of which doctor is better for what, how you suddenly can't drink red wine again or whatever. Yes some sex goes on, but it's not what I'd think of bar-driven sex. I know two guys who live at opposite ends of England and only see each other at the quarterly retreat weekends. Because this weekend is residential, you've got two evenings in the bar (well, I always head off to the bar) where as much discussion goes on as goes on in the groups, which isn't to say that there isn't room for messing around. Last weekend we started playing with our phones: I was hit on by a guy a couple of hundred miles away, and it was only the following night when he started conversation again when I was home that he said he's only been diagnosed in January and had hit on me because I always disclose on profiles. Had I been at home I'd have been at the PC rather than playing with Growlr. The most important thing about any sort of support group is that there's that whole layer stripped away: we each know that everyone in the room has HIV, however we acquired it. I consider myself to be pretty much totally out about my HIV, but I'll tell a taxi driver that I use a walking stick because of thinning bones and a broken ankle and omit the fact that the thinning bones are a very rare side effect of an HIV drug. In the end, the only way to find out the answer is to go along and find out. Don't go by first impressions: go to several meetings before you decide whether this is right for you. You might hit them on a bad night, or on a night where no-one feels like talking or whatever. It's a bit like trying something new sexually: the first time nerves can put you off and block your enjoyment...

JXC - a couple of bits of experience re piercing. A PA is the quickest to heal as your own piss acts as an antibacterial (though it can hurt like hell, it's a good pain). I had a wank the day after I had mine done, but don't really think it healed until two or three weeks later. Not so with tit piercings: probably one of the slowest to heal. Get some tight-fitting t-shirts to wear in bed or you'll be waking up every time you move (I think that's where my love of the black ribbed singlet came from!). With tit piercings pay especial attention to cleanliness since they're so slow to heal. Hibiscrub (they use it in hospitals) is the best soap I've found...

That was one of the reasons I suggested a support group: who are the experts in living successfully with HIV? The answer is people with HIV. I've lived more than half my life with HIV - I spent the weekend at a retreat for PwHIV and tried to count up the years of life with HIV we represented. I couldn't. I'd guess the average "HIV age" at about ten years, but then there were the spanners in the works like me (34 years). You need to talk to other people in the same situation as you, not someone with letters after their name who is very probably HIV unknown. People who'd nod when you say you always carry (I don't know the American) elastoplasts in case you cut yourself (took me a year to get out of that habit). I never had the greatest immune system either. If a bug was going round I got it. But, because of the way we're monitored, in the UK at least it's now being reckoned that PwHIV in treatment have a slightly longer life expectancy than the general population. Depending on your point of view it can be either a condition or a disease: mismanage your medication, and it'll become a disease, but if you stick to your pills it can be reduced to a condition. It really is a case of take your anti-retrovirals, and have your doctor look over your bloods every few months. Meanwhile enjoy life. Okay I bitch sometimes about the pills, but that's because early meds were prescribed in overdose and I had an extremely rare reaction to another - my ex-doctor took his eye off the ball. The damage done is irreversible. If we had a more American-style health system, I'd sue. But with socialised medicine if I sued and won I'd just be taking money out of a system designed to help everyone. It's your choice: you can spend every day having the living shit scared out of you, or you can do something about it. At present you're in what I call lukewarm bath syndrome: it's the middle of winter and the bath water is getting cold and you know there's no more hot water. Instead of a couple of minutes shivering as you dry yourself to get dressed, you snuggle down into the water trying to extract every last bit of heat from it. You know the sensible thing to do is have a couple of minutes shivering as you dry off and get dressed. My suggestion: find out where the nearest newly diagnosed group is (if necessary book a hotel room for the night) and go to it.

If you were in the UK, I'd be talking you into going to a "newly diagnosed" group: general recommendation is that you have a month or two by yourself to try and absorb the news (which you've had) and then start making contact with other people diagnosed at around the same time. A number of the groups in the UK are led by long term survivors. If my group facilitations skills were better (or I could get the training - the recession is hitting the UK hard) I'd be involved in leading such groups. The biggest problems I've had with HIV have been from early versions of the drugs. I know I seroconverted 34 years ago and have been in treatment for 25 years. That's a third and a quarter respectively of a century. This disease is survivable. I've watched the evolution of drugs since the very first one (AZT), through various snake oil remedies, to what's available now: yes, my present disabilty was caused by HIV drugs, but it was an incompetent doctor (always go by personal recommendation!) who ignored a 1 in 100k possibility. I haven't had an aids related illness in 6 years, when I took a drug holiday after my partner's death. It sounds a ridiculous thing to say, but medically there has never been a better time to get HIV. Find a support group (newly diagnosed for preference) and GO! Pay attention and be open about how you're feeling. I can't speak for the other poz guys here, but if you think I could help, PM me.

Absolute agreement: this area is full of guys who would consider themselves DDF because their drug of choice is tobacco or alcohol, they test every year (without fail) and they're married to women - whoever heard of a woman with HIV? I've been messing around on Grindr and have been asked by a guy of 30 what's "HIV". It's the slightly more sophisticated ones who use the phrase DDF, Not realising how fucking insulting it is. It's time for gay men to wake up to the double whammy of PrEP where it's available and TasP: with an undetectable viral load you're not going to be able to produce enough infectious cum to establish a "successful" infection, and as a bonus gift you get to maintain your health. While TasP relies on the poz guy to be fully adherent (and you to trust his words), PrEP, taken properly has exactly the same effect, it can't be said often enough that there are a whole bunch of other STI's out there and if you're getting around like I wish I was have and STI checkup every three months as a minimum. Guys on successful therapy are probably the safest sex around

I ran out of pockets to put them all in...

Total agreement with bbzh: you're not going to like what I say, but you need a counsellor more than you need him. Contact THT Direct on 0808 802 1221 for help in finding a counsellor

I'd guess that many of us guys over 50 or so would feel the same as the first raw time would be tangled with "the first time" which may or or may not have involved assfucking. I can remember the first time I had sex with a man, but I'm buggered (sorry) if I can remember who was first up there.

150% gay? In the way you express it I've got a friend who can do that without even poppers. The bonus is that while he's a thoroughly nasty fuck, he's also a good friend and a charming host.

(Hey Bug Chasers - think about that shit!! HIV's early aging is crappy) Thank you Poz1956 for voicing my exact thoughts! There can't be very more "older" or "experienced" than you and me here: it's good to see someone writing what I would I would have written. Now I can go have my afternoon nap... (Going through a severe fatigue period at present. I'm going to a retreat at the weekend and am going to have to ask people finding my asleep in the public rooms to wake me: I don't want to miss any time of the retreat)

Do what Daddy says: he's come across/in many guys like you and is aware of the damage he could do. Last year I got fucked by a guy with, I swear 11", anyway, far bigger than any dildo I've ever taken. Hell even soft, taking his whole dick in my mouth hit my gag reflex. I laid back and did as I was told. Within ten minutes I could feel his balls against my ass: he'd got through the second sphincter without me barely noticing, just by keeping up his relaxing/dirty talk. His only surprise was that I've not been fucked like that (nor taken a hand) since the nineties so I was tight. But, shit, did my thighs know what I'd been up to the day before