Advice on Promiscuity and Family Conflicts

[Guest snufkin]

Hi Guys, will try and keep this as short as possible.

I'm in a difficult situation at the moment. Am visiting my brother in Canada (I'm from Scotland), and in the two weeks I've been here I've invited two guys round when no one has been in the house for some fuck fun. Today my brother found out, went crazy, called me a liar and then phoned my parents to tell them. They knew I was gay; My brother probably only suspected I'm gay. But they were all pretty mad, saying I was a compulsive liar, harming myself and had no respect for my body, that what I was doing was wrong and need to stop such behaviour.

But here is the point: My sexual behaviour over the past ten years (I'm 28) has basically consisted only of random fucks, rarely with the same person. And in the past 2-3 years has led me to delve deeper into BB sex, breeding and seeking poz tops (I'm bottom). I think it largely stems from my own abuse as a kid by a family member, in addition to my parents' rejecting my sexuality when I came out to them at 18. We still were close, but they refused to ever talk about sex or relationships with me. But they want me to stop. But I feel my behaviour is so natural now, that I can't, and probably don't want to. I am seeing a psychologist about my abuse (drugs, sex), and general life issues, but even when I see her I don't see why I should stop sleeping around just because the norms of society tell me I should.

So my questions to you guys are these: have any of you went through anything similar? Have your family ever confronted you about your behaviour and suggested you change? Can anyone offer me any advice about how to deal with my brother and parents? At the moment I'm considering returning home early and gradually cutting off contact with them.

[bearbandit]

"They fuck you up, your mam and dad" I think the real problem here is that you've brought aspects of your own life into the bosom of the the family. They feel they can't approve of it and so starts WW3... I never got on with any of my family, except recently, my brother who's also gay; he gets to hear if I'm seeing anyone and I drop the word "play" from "play party". I can't imagine the hissy fit if he knew how much I hang out here: "I'm a respectable lawyer! It's difficult enough doing that if you're gay, adding in a brother doing the sort of stuff you do is not good for my career...." Fortunately for my brother he and I have different surnames - I needed to "divorce" my father who was not a pleasant man.

Essentially I've desexualised myself for family visits, except when I was going on the bike, in which case you can't, but take a full set of clothes with instead. My questions to you would be do you stand to inherit substantial money? (If that's the case a couple of weeks of acting is a small price to pay) Do you like your family? (if the answer's "no" and there are no inheritances around them, by all means, withdraw as you suggest)

A final point is that you were probably in the wrong inviting the guys back even though you knew the house would be empty: as my mother said, just before I walked out "my house, my rules". Ignoring the whole family issue, if you were staying at my house and wanted the big bedroom one night (I've got two others, but ther're full of moving crap) to bring trade home, and I didn't like the look of (ie didn't trust) the trade I'd happily give you the number of the hotel a couple of miles away.

[Alaric]

So long as you are not fucking any of them it is none of their business. You are a grown up now and can make your own decisions. However using your brother's place for sex with strangers was a bit off.

[not_sure_bb]

So long as you are not fucking any of them it is none of their business. You are a grown up now and can make your own decisions. However using your brother's place for sex with strangers was a bit off.

agreed....

[bigdick4you]

Family issues r always bit tricky....family u will have for ever.... While friends will come and go.... U probably could have saved ur self a lot of trouble I u hooked up at other guys home....not being judgemental here, but if u knew they had issues with ur lifestyle, u shouldn't have invited anyone over to avoid problems.... On the other hand it's ur life and only u can and will decide what u will do with it....try to find out what u want... And act on it...my advise to u would be to stay off drugs as this will only confuse u.... And u can have wonderful sexual sex without doing drugs...I only use poppers and my sexlife is great! Try to talk things out but also make clear what u want to do with ur life.... They might not agree with ur choices, but they will respect u for it....cheer up and don't linger about what has happened to u in the past.... A lot of guys have been treated wrongly in the past and they r able to move on. Including myself.... And remember: what doesn't destroy u.... Makes u stronger...

[drscorpio]

Your brother has a right to be pissed you had strangers in his house for sex without his permission, but that's where his being in the right ends.

The only power you have over your family as an adult is your presence in their lives (to more or less quote Dan Savage). I don't think you should quietly remove yourself from their lives. You should tell them you are cutting them out, and you would love to have them back in your life when they are willing to accept you for who you are. As it is now, they are more of a liability to you than an asset.

One thing though - if you feel like childhood abuse is having a negative effect on your life, please get some counseling. It can make a huge difference.

[ked239]

I would say he was totally fair for getting pissed off with you for bringing guys back to his place without permission, you probably should have gone over to theirs or cruising spot, sauna etc. That's a point of respect really

However, who you sleep with and how many people you sleep with really isn't any of your family's business

[NiceHard1]

I agree with others here that your err was in bringing guys into the house. You are the guest, and that is an invasion of their privacy. Even when I am staying with other gay friends, I don't bring guys into their homes. I had a gay friend visiting me here who stayed for about a week, and even though he is someone I had sex with and also played with other guys with, I was pissed off to learn that he had posted messages on Craigslist and had guys over to my house while I was away at work. (I had other friend who told me that they saw the ads).

The issue is that we all draw the line in different places over what is acceptable for ourselves, and then apply that same standard to everyone else. Few people are able to appreciate that someone else's line may be in a different place than their own, and that this may be ok for the other person even though not something they would do themselves. My ex, for example thinks it is risky just picking up a guy in general who he doesn't know, nevermind the risk level of the sex. I personally draw the line at drugs. I think that is unhealthy for me, but don't judge others who want to include it for themselves, though I for one I don't want to be around it.

Now this is not to disregard the lines that others draw, and should look at their views sometimes to help us reevaluate our own, but then to make our own choices for ourselves. It sounds like you may actually question some of your own choices, apart from what your family thinks, and that is good to do. That is great that you are even seeking a professional to discuss it with, and while they may be a little less judgemental, they too will draw the line somewhere. They will probably ask you to consider if you are hurting yourself with your behavior. And even that is a challenging question.

But to your family, the cat is out of the bag, and so if you want to keep a relationship with them, you need to address it. Perhaps apologize for bringing strangers into the house and admit that was wrong. You don't need to divulge everything that you did with them and you can say that. It is enough to acknowledge that it was wrong to bring them into the house period. You may choose to share that you acknowledge their concerns for your behavior, and that you are actually seeing a professional to seek advice on it (notice I don't like to say seeking help - as it is not clear that you need help. But advice is a good thing.)

In the end, it's about you being comfortable with the choices and risk that you take, and with the possible consequences of them.

Edited January 28, 2013 by NiceHard1

[ked239]

As usual, in depth insightful comment from you, NiceHard1

[einathens]

i applaud you for seeking guidance with your issues. i have to wonder, though, if your sex life is just one-offs and you couldn't keep it in your pants long enough to arrange a meeting on less volatile ground, if you might be a sex addict. that might bear some looking into as well.

family and sex only mix well in porn stories.

[GermanFucker]

At the moment I'm considering returning home early and gradually cutting off contact with them.

You define the level of contact you have with your family. In the case of e.g. sexual abuse by a parent even completely cutting off any ties is a valid option. Because sometimes things are just too painful to bear each and every day. But below that threshold having contact with your family is a valuable thing, as it gives you a sense of belonging and grounds you as a person. Brothers and sisters are something to treasure as one gets older.

But that doesn't mean you should make your sexuality part of the equation. Making partners an issue and eventually presenting them to your family is a trade-off which is often beneficial for heterosexual couples, e.g. "Hey mom, this is my partner, we're gonna have kids, we plan on you babysitting in the future.", but should be evaluated on a case-by-case basis as a gay man.

However, that goes both ways. Having sex in your brothers house not only made it an issue in the most blatant form, it is also a breach of trust.

But judging from what you write, it seems to be more than that. IMHO it could also be a CRY FOR HELP. Because otherwise, why would you force the issue? Because in the end it was you who created the situation you find yourself in yourself. You seem to be very conflicted. At the core you need to ask yourself the question: What do you really want? And then you have to accept your choices and your own self.

You can be a sex pig and still be respectful of your brother. Or you can crash and burn because you feel a need to punish yourself.

[tallslenderguy]

snufkin,

You repeat a few times that your family calls you a "compulsive liar." That's a pretty big and lousy label to put on someone. My guess (and obviously I don't know you, you alone know the whole story) is that much of your lying has to do with the gay thing? People generally lie because of fear and your family has demonstrated that they do not love or accept that part of you. I don't advocate for lying, but I understand when someone hides behind a lie to try and protect their self. Sadly, your family has marginalized you, their love and acceptance of you is based on your conforming to how they think you should be, not who you are... which isn't love. It's good that you are seeing a licensed professional to help work all this out, in time you will see your way clear if you keep looking to understand.

As to the promiscuity... that's a big question. Just the term "promiscuity" has a negative connotation and it brings up the topic of morality. I think it is good to look at morals and understand where they come from, i.e., who decides what "moral" is and why. When it comes to the conflict with your family, it sounds like it's the gay thing they have a problem with. Even if you were living monogamously with one guy, they'd still have a problem with your being gay? I'm sorry you have to deal with that, I know it can be hard. I come from a religious background and had to process through a lot of garbage too. The good news is, it can be processed through and there is peace on the other side.

[DivertirMe]

Well Snufkin, I have been through something similar. For a period of about 18 months I moved back home with my mother and while there I had maybe four guys over-most times when I felt the itch I would say I wanted to go out and ask to borrow her car which was fine so long as I was back before she needed to leave for work. On one of those occasions when I invited someone over he flaked, but I forgot to collect the rubbers as I was cleaning up. My mom saw said rubber and let me know on no uncertain terms was I to bring some (random, unknown) guy to her house. I added the parenthetical because two of my past boyfriends met her and stayed with me at my mom's house for a week long visit, the issue was about the strangers in her house and not the fact that I was having sex.

So while your family may or may not have issues with you being gay or your choices in sexual partners, bringing strangers to your brother's house is a serious transgression of respect for his space and privacy. You don't know these tricks, what's to stop them from coming back unannounced to see if you just "happen" to be around? Or worse, now that they've seen the inside of your brother's home, who's to know if neither of them might feel tempted to come back and steal something that they saw there and wanted? You don't have the right to impose on your brother in that way or compromise the safety and security of the home he's made for himself and his family.

[Guest indynudeguy]

Guy, you can't let other people run your life. However, I do agree that you were not a good guest at your brother's home. Home is a pretty sacred place for most people, your brother may feel that you violated his space and possibly his trust. I've always made some behavior adjustments when visiting my family. If you are intending to combine sex and family in one trip, a hotel is a better option.