Unexpected, Powerful, POZ Emotions

[1happyhomo]

My dear AIDSBONE hubby has spent the last two nights in ICU due to a major lung infection. Watching him labor to breathe during those limited moments we can be together is difficult. Doctor says it will be touch and go for a few days until it is determined if an antibiotic will be effective.

Seeing this side of the virus, as a newly infected man, is so very powerful. It breaks my heart to think I could lose this wonderful man. It is giving me a glimpse of what could be my own future as the virus replicates within me. But most of all, it reminds me of why I welcomed the virus into my own body. Being connected with generations of men like my husband, for having the shared experience of HIV/AIDS, for becoming the man I knew I needed to be---all of those are so much more in focus.

As he fights for his life--fights against the effects of his virus, I am all that much more thankful I have my own strain and I am united with him in this infection. Not what I expected to feel after getting POZZED, but a level of emotion and feeling that is amazing.

Chasers and wanna-be guys, this is the reality of our disease. For all of the heated sexual promise of becoming infected, there is the truth of health issues--very serious health issues. It is quite different, but there is a very soft, gentle erotic sensuality of aspect of our shared status.

I find myself wishing I could be beside him, one bed over feeling what he feels, knowing what he knows, fighting but knowing I may have to surrender.

[Guest GoodExercise]

You two will have more days together.  Also, when the moment arrives, home hospice can give you the privacy you both need when time is short and you want to explore and share those emotions.

[beanna]

my thoughts are with you and share in our common humanity

[6811283]

Thank you for your honesty, 1happyhomo. I sincerely hope your husband will beat this and you will continue to have many happy years together. It's noble that you wish you could share in his suffering, but how would that really help him? He needs you, more than ever, to be healthy and strong for him now.

We all lose people we love, throughout our lives, and we don't react to it by trying to throw ourselves off the same precipice. If we did, humanity would snuff itself out.

I can't tell you what to do, but I know what I would do in your situation: take meds, to be sure I'm there for my beloved when he needs me most. 

I understand the erotic pull that death has on some of us. The French call an orgasm "la petite mort" -- literally, the little death. But I'd rather put death off as long as possible, so I can continue to explore the endless possibilities for sexual adventure, intimacy, and connection that a long and healthy life can afford. The fact that we have the option of sharing the bond of the virus without necessarily committing to an early demise is, I think, a beautiful thing.

It's up to everyone to decide for themselves, of course, but I'd like to think I'll still be busy initiating young queers into the Brotherhood when I'm 70 and beyond. (Hopefully they'll continue to refine and improve Viagra!)

[1happyhomo]

With the push of one small, green lighted button, I engaged the mechanical activities required to reduce my lover's remains to heat and ash. Our brief marriage ended Monday afternoon as his highly compromised immune system surrendered in it's last battle against a virus. I can only trust that you are able to imagine the emotions raging in my own body and mind as I watch him transition from a physical presence to a spiritual force. He left us as he wanted, a proud gay man unafraid of AIDS and the ultimate toll that infection meant.

The sudden end to our short union has hit me like nothing else. The reality of the virus that consumed his body and that is wildly replicating in my own alternates between serious oppression and amazing joy.

Later today, a small group of our friends will celebrate his life, his spirit and his authenticity. Tomorrow and the days after, I will try to figure out how to live the days of my life in a way that honor all that he stood for. Fiercely queer, proudly POZ and full of humanity, he blazed a path that is quite clear, but difficult to emulate. I committed to him in life and I will be committed to following his path in his physical absence.

To all of the other good men who have welcomed HIV into their system, I speak to you. This is not written fully for sadness, though I am sad. It is not written to incite fear, though I have my own fears. It is not written simply to memorialize a magnificent man, though I want others to know him as I did.

Rather, I write this, on this site, at this time as a full unfolding of the story that we are all living. Our homosexuality, our relationship with the virus, our own mortality can be summed up in the passing of this man. If you have embraced the virus then embrace your life. Rejoice in how you share your days with this beautiful, intense yet deadly organism. And, as it surely will, when your end of days arrives accept the conclusion you were ordained when the virus first entered your body, mind and soul.

[ConversionPiglet]

Sorry to read of your loss; praying for you in this time of grief.

Edited June 21, 2017 by ConversionPiglet

[BarebackFan]

Great tribute to your man. Be sure to spread his legacy.

[CharlieInACave]

1HH, you are without a doubt the most eloquent writer I've seen post in these forums. You do more than state your case; you make us feel what you feel. 

[andrew456]

so sorry to here of your loss,really puts it into perspective what the future holds and destiny etc,its a privilege for someone to share there very private moments thank you