This is why I'm always angry

[PERVERSATILE]

If you can't find an obvious reason for your partner's  behavior, start be eliminating possibilities in order  to focus on the actual cause, I'd personally recommend having his Doctor check his thyroid and blood sugar levels, diabetes can be hell on a mans libido. 

[Rawdawg13]

    After waffling over how to reply for OVER AN HOUR I'm still at a lost at what to say.   I think everything you need to know is in the title of your thread.   Yes, this IS the reason you are always angry....as well you should be.  And since he has put all blame in your court (ie- you go seek help, you have a problem not me...)...you probably should be more angry.    That would be normal.   I don't even know yall and my blood pressure went up.   You don't care if he is having outside sex, open relationship or not?  I think you should.   I think you do.  Yall aren't dating my friend, you're married.  Unless you have a different arrangement, there is a certain level of intimacy thats to be expected.   I'm not your therapist, nor did you ask me to be, hell I'm not even A therapist!  But your partner sounds like an emotional abuser.  He has made you to feel responsible for his happiness.  Thats not healthy.  Anyone who makes you feel like a 'pervert' for wanting sex for a whole year is not just abusive, they are the one who needs therapy.  I'm sorry to have to say that, but I'm right.   

    Let me jump tracks because unless there is a huge piece of the puzzle I'm not aware of--I'm in over my head.  Do you know who Dan Savage is?  He is an American sex advice columnist, author,  and gay rights advocate.  I owe my life to this man.  When my partner and I started dating I found one of Dan's books on my partner's book shelf.  It was "Skipping Towards Gomorrah".  I devoured it.  I have since read all of his books.  My partner and I read his column all the time and play our own game of "What Will Dan Say".  After a while you get pretty good at it.  He just has this way of viewing the reality of relationships, of sexuality, ney...of being human.   (I would love to see what Dan had to say about your post.)  He is the reason I'm able to be in a happy, healthy OPEN relationship today.  No matter what happens with you and your partner, I highly recommend anything Dan Savage to get you started with you and anything related to your future.

[punaman]

your husband needs to go to a doctor and get a complete and thorough check up and tell the doctor why he's there-no sex drive at all.  It's not normal and it could be physical, possibly easily cured.  If results come back that there is nothing physical wrong with him, then it's a mental problem and you have to decide what to do. Stay or leave. It's not fair to you to be married to someone who can not be intimate with you.  Is he HIV poz also?  If not, maybe he's having second thoughts about being with a poz man.  Have you tried monogamy?  Maybe that's what he wants.  Just thinking out loud.
Good luck.
 

[bigdick4you]

7 hours ago, Rawdawg13 said:

    After waffling over how to reply for OVER AN HOUR I'm still at a lost at what to say.   I think everything you need to know is in the title of your thread.   Yes, this IS the reason you are always angry....as well you should be.  And since he has put all blame in your court (ie- you go seek help, you have a problem not me...)...you probably should be more angry.    That would be normal.   I don't even know yall and my blood pressure went up.   You don't care if he is having outside sex, open relationship or not?  I think you should.   I think you do.  Yall aren't dating my friend, you're married.  Unless you have a different arrangement, there is a certain level of intimacy thats to be expected.   I'm not your therapist, nor did you ask me to be, hell I'm not even A therapist!  But your partner sounds like an emotional abuser.  He has made you to feel responsible for his happiness.  Thats not healthy.  Anyone who makes you feel like a 'pervert' for wanting sex for a whole year is not just abusive, they are the one who needs therapy.  I'm sorry to have to say that, but I'm right.   

    Let me jump tracks because unless there is a huge piece of the puzzle I'm not aware of--I'm in over my head.  Do you know who Dan Savage is?  He is an American sex advice columnist, author,  and gay rights advocate.  I owe my life to this man.  When my partner and I started dating I found one of Dan's books on my partner's book shelf.  It was "Skipping Towards Gomorrah".  I devoured it.  I have since read all of his books.  My partner and I read his column all the time and play our own game of "What Will Dan Say".  After a while you get pretty good at it.  He just has this way of viewing the reality of relationships, of sexuality, ney...of being human.   (I would love to see what Dan had to say about your post.)  He is the reason I'm able to be in a happy, healthy OPEN relationship today.  No matter what happens with you and your partner, I highly recommend anything Dan Savage to get you started with you and anything related to your future.

He has a big jar of lube on his side of the bed that he uses to jerk off. I have a couple of times said to him to jerk off to porn together but he said no. I have asked him if he had slept with others and he said no. He told me he would have told me if he was. We have open relationship...I tell him when I hook up with others but for a while now he doesn't want to know when I hook up with others. A few months back I took a Uber ride to go fuck someone and he asked me if I had taken Uber ....I told him yes and the reason. His reaction was just ok I c.he has said in the past that he has trouble getting fucked lately...I told him that we didn't have to fuck...he doesn't suck me off either. I know he prefers cut and im uncut. I know that in a group session he will suck off my dick and other guys dicks, but when we were just the 2 of us he wouldn't do it. When I massage him as he enjoys being touched...I go to his butt he asks me to stop. It just makes me so angry! Like im some pervert or something! I don't talk about it to good friends as I'm afraid to people's reaction and embarrassed to be honest.he is loving and caring outside the bedroom. If u c us together u wouldn't suspect this was going on.its just frustrating! Deep down I know it's a type of abuse. I have heard about Dan...never read anything though...I don't mind him sleeping with others as long as I know about it. I just know that something better change! I told him to get therapy the other day. And he told me I was the one needing therapy.

[bigdick4you]

8 hours ago, PERVERSATILE said:

If you can't find an obvious reason for your partner's  behavior, start be eliminating possibilities in order  to focus on the actual cause, I'd personally recommend having his Doctor check his thyroid and blood sugar levels, diabetes can be hell on a mans libido. 

 

6 hours ago, punaman said:

your husband needs to go to a doctor and get a complete and thorough check up and tell the doctor why he's there-no sex drive at all.  It's not normal and it could be physical, possibly easily cured.  If results come back that there is nothing physical wrong with him, then it's a mental problem and you have to decide what to do. Stay or leave. It's not fair to you to be married to someone who can not be intimate with you.  Is he HIV poz also?  If not, maybe he's having second thoughts about being with a poz man.  Have you tried monogamy?  Maybe that's what he wants.  Just thinking out loud.
Good luck.
 

There is nothing wrong wit him physically...it's in his head...he jerks off to porn when I'm not around...I would be able to be in monogamous relationship if that was what is bothering him. I know it's not as I have talked to him about it. I'm pot and he is negative but this was never an issue as he has been taking loads since his early teens from pot men and he doesn't care. He is 40 now.

[drscorpio]

20 hours ago, bigdick4you said:

 I went to c a psycho analyst as he pushed for it. According to him I had a sexual addiction. The analyst found this not be true...he said I just had an healthy sexual appetite and told me that my husband was the problem.

Have you discussed with your therapist strategies for dealing with your situation? They will probably be able to give you much better advice based on your sessions than we can. 

11 hours ago, bigdick4you said:

When I massage him as he enjoys being touched...I go to his butt he asks me to stop. It just makes me so angry! Like im some pervert or something! I don't talk about it to good friends as I'm afraid to people's reaction and embarrassed to be honest.he is loving and caring outside the bedroom. If u c us together u wouldn't suspect this was going on.its just frustrating! Deep down I know it's a type of abuse. I have heard about Dan...never read anything though...I don't mind him sleeping with others as long as I know about it. I just know that something better change! I told him to get therapy the other day. And he told me I was the one needing therapy.

This is definitely abusive behavior. Regardless of whether or not his problem is his own mental issues, he is hurting you. This is not loving and caring behavior. You have every right to be upset and to expect things to change. 

The sad fact is that you may also have to be willing to accept a companionate (not sexual) marriage or walk away from him. 

[skinster]

17 hours ago, punaman said:

your husband needs to go to a doctor and get a complete and thorough check up and tell the doctor why he's there-no sex drive at all. ...
 

He would probably not see it as a reportable problem for the doctors' - otherwise he would have raised a similar issue you did on here. He is either too shy to say it out loud, which I doubt to be a case, or does not view it as a problem. Which is in turn a problem for you.

You need to have the same thing done for yourself. Some practitioners call it a 'wellbeing check', it being more on the non-medicative and holistic side of treatments/options. Do not go in pill-happy one-size-fits-all approach. Testosterone levels, physical activity insight - how much do you visit a gym if at all - things like that. Full blood work with vitamin levels, anything that can impact brain chemistry. This is a bit wider than an annual physical and should be done for either one of you. I've seen a relative dependency between libido, mental health and properties of blood chemistry when the checks were widened beyond annual cheap and narrow scope. May be that was just my individual case, but I am sure I was not alone with it. Since then I kinda figured some of my symptoms and triggers to navigate away from.

[bigdick4you]

I'm sure it's all in his head...as when he takes drugs occasionally he becomes a hungry bottom. The thing is that I don't do drugs in any shape or form! Yesterday I was bit of abrupt to him and he exploded. He starting talking about our marriage and how I was like an angry old woman. I wanted to say u make me this way but I kept quiet. He also said how do u expect me to have sex with u like this....it sounded like an excuse....the truth is that I'm becoming numb to it. I take responsibility for some of it but not for the sex part. It's like he holds the sex part hostage and that is not ok.

[drscorpio]

I really feel for you. This asshole is emotionally abusing you and denying you sex as punishment. You deserve better. 

[NLbear]

Remarks about your marriage sound strange. You said you haven't had sex for more than a year but you two got married only 7 months ago? Something else is bothering him. Maybe he has second thoughts about being married (he should have thought about that upfront considering you are together for a few years)? Maybe he no longer wants to bottom and now finds himself trapped in a relationship with another top? Although there are lots of top couples who make it work.

[Rawdawg13]

I've been thinking about you and him a lot lately, and why I don't know...I don't know you.  Its just so heartbreaking and fucked up and sad.  I feel bad for you and on some level him too.  Forget love for a second.  Store that out of the way on a high self.   We all know it takes more then just love to make a happy relationship.  Lord knows we've all ended relationships that were't running short on love, but lacked other ingredients.  I'm talking about something much more simple...care.  When you care about someone, you don't make them feel like you feel.  Actually, you try to do the opposite.  You do things to inspire good feelings.  You don't answer their basic human needs by calling them a pervert AND sending them to a shrink.  My partner and I opened our 8 year relationship almost a year ago.  I would have laughed in your face when I was younger if you told me I would one day be in an open relationship (and again 'thank you', Dan Savage!!).... and we are sluts, ok!  But OUR sex life did not end.  We fuck like rabbits now.  I didn't realize how boring we were!  At one point you said you didn't care if he was sleeping with other people and I thought "Fuck that, we may be open but if mama aint getting it, aint nobody getting it!"  This is what I find the most striking...throughout your writings I never once got a sense of anger.  If you had not stated in the title that you were angry, I would never had known.  I find that very telling and guess what...I'll tell you why.  I'll bet you a $10 doughnut that you have a typical type A personality...you are a mover and a shaker and a go getter'.  You are also very quick to push things like anger under a run or up on a shelf (and don't set it close the love, it turns it into bad moonshine.) and you shelve it, and you shelve it, and you shelve it.  My point is it's not worth fucking mental abuse to one day get crushed by your own badly stored and shitty shelved anger.  It sounds like his shelf already fell...only his fell on you both.  And god only knows what the fuck that was stored on his shelf!!  Just take care of yourself first and stop taking care of him, trust me he's not returning the favor.   And go talk to someone, albeit not for sexual addiction...but recovery from this asshole.  Its called codependency and its more common than sexual addiction, and just for the record, going a whole fucking year without sex makes you Amish, not a pervert!  Take care my friend. 

[bigdick4you]

10 hours ago, NLbear said:

Remarks about your marriage sound strange. You said you haven't had sex for more than a year but you two got married only 7 months ago? Something else is bothering him. Maybe he has second thoughts about being married (he should have thought about that upfront considering you are together for a few years)? Maybe he no longer wants to bottom and now finds himself trapped in a relationship with another top? Although there are lots of top couples who make it work.

 

10 hours ago, NLbear said:

Remarks about your marriage sound strange. You said you haven't had sex for more than a year but you two got married only 7 months ago? Something else is bothering him. Maybe he has second thoughts about being married (he should have thought about that upfront considering you are together for a few years)? Maybe he no longer wants to bottom and now finds himself trapped in a relationship with another top? Although there are lots of top couples who make it work.

I have known him for over 5 years now...I haven't had sex with him for over a year now yes. I sleep with others as we have open relationship. I keep these strictly sexually as I'm in a relationship. I don't even hook up in same city as where we live out of respect for him. He can be very loving outside  but at times he has a mean streak. But what bothers me is the sexual part. He is 99% bottom ...he has expressed wanting to fuck me but for over 15 years I have been a strict top. 

[bigdick4you]

7 hours ago, Rawdawg13 said:

I've been thinking about you and him a lot lately, and why I don't know...I don't know you.  Its just so heartbreaking and fucked up and sad.  I feel bad for you and on some level him too.  Forget love for a second.  Store that out of the way on a high self.   We all know it takes more then just love to make a happy relationship.  Lord knows we've all ended relationships that were't running short on love, but lacked other ingredients.  I'm talking about something much more simple...care.  When you care about someone, you don't make them feel like you feel.  Actually, you try to do the opposite.  You do things to inspire good feelings.  You don't answer their basic human needs by calling them a pervert AND sending them to a shrink.  My partner and I opened our 8 year relationship almost a year ago.  I would have laughed in your face when I was younger if you told me I would one day be in an open relationship (and again 'thank you', Dan Savage!!).... and we are sluts, ok!  But OUR sex life did not end.  We fuck like rabbits now.  I didn't realize how boring we were!  At one point you said you didn't care if he was sleeping with other people and I thought "Fuck that, we may be open but if mama aint getting it, aint nobody getting it!"  This is what I find the most striking...throughout your writings I never once got a sense of anger.  If you had not stated in the title that you were angry, I would never had known.  I find that very telling and guess what...I'll tell you why.  I'll bet you a $10 doughnut that you have a typical type A personality...you are a mover and a shaker and a go getter'.  You are also very quick to push things like anger under a run or up on a shelf (and don't set it close the love, it turns it into bad moonshine.) and you shelve it, and you shelve it, and you shelve it.  My point is it's not worth fucking mental abuse to one day get crushed by your own badly stored and shitty shelved anger.  It sounds like his shelf already fell...only his fell on you both.  And god only knows what the fuck that was stored on his shelf!!  Just take care of yourself first and stop taking care of him, trust me he's not returning the favor.   And go talk to someone, albeit not for sexual addiction...but recovery from this asshole.  Its called codependency and its more common than sexual addiction, and just for the record, going a whole fucking year without sex makes you Amish, not a pervert!  Take care my friend. 

The whole thing is just strange...I met him 5 years ago when he was a cumdump. I used to share him with other tops and he loved it. To be honest he has had a tough life taking care of his elderly parents. Almost 3 years ago now we decided to finally move in together as our long distance was not working.. he is loving and caring for most part outside of bed. He does have a mean streak at times . He tends to blame everything on me. He sees when I'm being an asshole but he doesn't c it when he is being an asshole. I know that in the past he has had an history with drugs. I know this helps him to liberate him sexually.we would have weekends where we would whore out other bottoms and sometimes he would be whored out too. But afterwards he always showed remorse...like he was ashamed of what he did. When he told me he wanted to explore his top side I told him we could use other bottoms together. But he kind of never really wanted this as he felt somewhat insecure as a top.im pretty easy going guy for most part and generous...my money is his money. A bit over a year ago he was supposed to pick me up from airport and he asked me to take a taxi as he had few guys over the night before and had done drugs. When I arrived home I told him it was not ok for us to not have sex while he was having sex with others. He agreed and we had sex. I hoped we would be back to our old ways but he wanted none of it. He is quite sincere in the relationship and as far as I know he doesn't lie about hooking up with others. I check his profile on several websites and there is no action. Unless he uses an other profile on those sites.i hate to check on my partner like that but I had to know if he had a double life. So far I haven't found anything.... but other profiles r quickly made and email accounts r quickly started. I have plenty of sex outside my relationship but I would like to be able to have sex with him like a normal couple. Going back to therapy to give this a place and learn how to deal with it. My old therapist told me he was a bully and a control freak and that he simply was manipulating me and probably cheating.

[barecubtop]

8 hours ago, Rawdawg13 said:

I'll bet you a $10 doughnut...

Where do you get $10 doughnuts?!?! I bet that would be amazing!

Seriously, though, I agree with the others that feel for you and your situation.  I can't offer any advice or comments really, as I have not experienced many relationships up to this point.  I will relate a similar story of a guy I've fooled around with in my town.  He's also married to a man and they don't have sex anymore and he's frustrated.  Unlike you, my buddy is afraid to even broach the topic with his partner, for some fear about lack of attraction or something - from an outside perspective (mine), it sounds surprising that two partners who agreed to enter something as serious as a marriage would have problems talking about issues like sex/intimacy.  However, both your situation and my buddy here in town have proven that it's apparently tough for some people. 

I do agree that your partner is the one who most likely needs therapy and some evaluation to see what's going on.  If he's really not having sex with ANYONE after being such a slutty bottom before your marriage, perhaps something IS unbalanced in his body that needs treating. 

Edited July 10, 2017 by barecubtop

[NLbear]

Has anything changed since the last post here and are you any closer to finding out why he behaves like this?