Decisions..delimmas

[shavednydude]

I'm glad I found this site. I noticed some really good information on the blogs, and wanted to post my 'delmma', and get feedback.

The only time I've barebacked was when I was my long term partners. Seeing vids of guys getting bred raw always turned me on, but that fantasy has grown & grown deeper. I'm single now, and have a good friend who's been positive for over 15 years now. He & I have played around once, and that was raw. To feel him deep inside me was amazing, and he pulled out before he shot. Having talked together for years (over 7 now) we've talked about my fantasy of having him convert me. The first time we met each other (we only met twice, in ALL the years we talked) we both recognized a strong connection we both felt. Well, he wants to come visit me this Spring, and I HAVE thought of how it would be to have him cum inside me raw. For me, I know the connection between us would become stronger, and feeling his cock shoot inside me would feel incredible.

Ok, now for reality- he's 39, I'm 44. I was married for 8 years and have 3 sons (15, 13 & 10) who live in another state and I visit. I've looked online for the drawbacks on becoming positive, and know some insurance companies don't cover meds. For my friend, I know 1 year he went through a LOT of his savings in paying for his meds (right now he's down to 1 pill per day). I also read some great information on here about the symptoms when you go through conversion. I know my friend's viral load is very low, but it's still the risk (and the 'wanting' of having him breed me) I need to think about.

I've told some other friends about this fantasy, some have told me I was plain crazy, some have told me to just think of the future consequences, which I am.

Why am I thinking of 'giving myself' to my friend like this? Part of it comes from me being tired of always being responsible. Part of it is due to lonliness. I've had friends tell me if I wanted to be a little irresponsible to try hot air ballooning- something that wouln't have life long consequences- and they ARE right, there.

I'd like to get your input on this, and would really appreciate any input you can give. I'd like to know if you decided to become posiive do you regret it now? Was it something you planned on, or did it happen in a moment of passion?

Thanks guys!

[bed10]

This perhaps isnt the very best place to air such things. The reason I say this is mostly cause (as you probably already realise) going to get the answer you want it to be despite the obvious issues and risks you yourself have risen. Ultimately its up to you x

[NYCPissBear]

Seconding what bed10 says, some of the guys here are here for fantasy reasons, and their fantasy will dictate how they respond; while some here are very grounded in reality, and that will dictate how they respond. It is not always possible to tell the difference.

I think the responsible ones will likely say some variation of, each guy has to make his own decision based on his own reality. You have conflicting needs, and one does not necessarily carry less weight than the other.

So it's a balance sheet solution - list pros and cons, and weigh them carefully against each other. Does your need to give yourself to this man (and maybe his need to take possession of you) outweigh your need to exist as an HIV-negative man and father?

Like it or not, you have accountability, if not to society and your ex, then to your sons. But you also are accountable to yourself, and your needs are important, too.

No easy answers...and the ones that sound easy, aren't.

[barefootbob]

Listen to what NYCPissBear said, once you go down that path there is no turning back the clock. You and ONLY you can make this decision.

[Tightslider]

I will repeat what has been said above. Awesome fantasy. Not so awesome in real life. A hell of alot more negatives than positives. Remember, although everyone would like nothing better than to fuck and get off all the time, the reality is sex makes up less than 10% of the typical day. The other 90%+ sucks being poz.

[evilqueerpig]

Give the matter SERIOUS consideration...and should you ultimately decide you want to do this, you need to discuss it with your friend and determine whether or not your relationship can handle the consequences, if you should have regrets.

[shavednydude]

Thank ALL of you for your replies- they mean a lot to me. I know what you're saying, about this being somewhat a fantasy site, and once I decide to take that step there IS no turning back. After all, some fantasies are better left AS fantasies. Those who HAVE taken that step no doubt tell more about the 'freedom' they have now, than the bad sides of becoming poz.

Thank you all once again!

[poz0712]

I did not planned on becoming poz I just recently found out and I'm still dealing with it.