Whats most important in a relationship? Emotional or Physical connection?

[Guest pigchaser]

What is most important to you in a relationship? Is it the emotional connection, ie. intimacy or is it the physical connection, ie.  sex?  Vote in the poll..

[tallslenderguy]

i don't know that emotional can be separated from physical connection?  i think it's a fallacy in some cultures that men are less emotional than women. i think males have been conditioned by culture to often hide or bury their emotions and that has fed the notion that men are less emotional. i believe those  surpassed emotions come out though, but are often not understood for what and why they are. For instance, many guys have been taught from an early age not to cry, so their hurt and pain often comes out expressed as anger.  i think it's changing, that men are more allowed to express feeling now days, but i think generally we have a lot of catching up to do.  One of the biggest impediments i find to a deeper relationship with a guy is the inability of many guys to articulate what and how they feel. Often, i think they don't even know their self because they've never learned about introspection. But i think emotion is a natural part of being human and it is an important part of how we connect. "Mind fuck" is not a bad thing. 

[NLbear]

I voted that both are equally important. However, if I had to choose between emotional connection and physical connection/sex I would pick the emotional connection. You can find sex somewhere else if you have to. It's harder to find someone you connect with on an emotional level in a way you want to have a relationship with him.

[Guest pigchaser]

15 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

i don't know that emotional can be separated from physical connection?  i think it's a fallacy in some cultures that men are less emotional than women. i think males have been conditioned by culture to often hide or bury their emotions and that has fed the notion that men are less emotional. i believe those  surpassed emotions come out though, but are often not understood for what and why they are. For instance, many guys have been taught from an early age not to cry, so their hurt and pain often comes out expressed as anger.  i think it's changing, that men are more allowed to express feeling now days, but i think generally we have a lot of catching up to do.  One of the biggest impediments i find to a deeper relationship with a guy is the inability of many guys to articulate what and how they feel. Often, i think they don't even know their self because they've never learned about introspection. But i think emotion is a natural part of being human and it is an important part of how we connect. "Mind fuck" is not a bad thing. 

This is very true... well said 👍

[tallslenderguy]

i'm trying to wake this discussion by posting more.  Caution, this is prolly gonna be long.

i'm sometimes embarrassed when i realize just how important communication and, the emotional connection that goes along with it, are to me.  "Embarrassed" is the wrong word, but i can't think of another descriptor?  It makes me feel woman-like?  My feelings don't aline with my thoughts or standards because i'm pretty feminist  and anti patriarchal with my outlook and standards, so it's curious to me the attributes that i associate with being a woman would also evoke a sort of embarrassed feeling? i'm guessing that's just a conditioned feeling. But it's not a negative feeling in the least, it can be deeply erotic for me when a guy naturally Dom's me in matter of fact ways vs forceful ways, and attributing woman attributes to me has that emotional effect on me.  

For instance, when a guy uses the word "pussy" with me in a derogatory tone, it turns me off or has no effect, probably because i don't perceive it as the intended insult. When a guy uses the same word in a matter-of-fact way, or even affectionatly, it has an emotionally subduing effect on me and makes me physically receptive.  i find guys who do that have often discovered their power to effect, they're usually "Dom" and that feeds their nature as well. 

To me, that's just one example of how much fuller interaction with a guy can be when it is more than physical. i wonder how many guys will just glaze over reading this?  For a time, i was thinking that my deep desire to connect emotionally with a guy was just part of my sub nature, but i came to realize that was just a sort of ethnocentric notion. I.e., that being sub and more like a woman emotionally made me more emotionally aware and communicative, but it's not the case.  Even though the "woman" (i hesitate to use the word "fem" because that is usually associated with affectations that i don't have) part seems to often be associated with sub, it doesn't follow that the desire to communicate and  connect emotionally is just a female attribute. i've had discussions with a Dom/Top guy on this site who is equally frustrated with how many guys are "emotionally retarded."  He too is frustrated by the number of guys who don't know how to connect emotionally.  

i am pretty convinced it's more a matter of ignorance than a conscious choice when guys eschew emotional connection, or maybe even substitute quality physical connection for lack of emotional connection?  i've lately been having written exchange with a Dom guy on an online site. There's definite attraction between us, we've both identified that His Dom nature and my sub nature are naturally pulling us toward each other. But we are more than ion's floating in the ether, we have intellect and emotion that can add to and enhance relationship. He initiated the conversation. The truth is, i never would have initiated a conversation with Him because He had virtually no profile, once sentence. Not even pics (which i am convinced is how many guys unconsciously initiate relationship). He used the typical line: "I like your profile" (my profiles are usually in book form lol).  i say "typical" because almost never does a guy say why they like your profile. sigh. So i asked: "what is it about my profile that you like?" (and that immediately makes me feel like i am being like a woman when i ask that, curious, eh?). His response: "because you know what you want and how to say it."  Well, that pushed my buttons and started an exhange. But what happened was, i did all the writing and His responses were short and often didn't even respond to 9/10 of what i wrote.  i was almost literally begging Him to self disclose.  And that's where many guys seem to get the deer in the head lights look.  Guys have been mocked (usually by women) for being shallow. i don't believe it for the most part. i think guys have just as many thoughts and emotions as women, but lack self awareness and/or the skill set to articulate what they think and feel (relationally).  He responded how i sort of expected (based on experience) feeling awkward and cornered, He got defensive. He used the again typical response: "I'm an open book, if you want to know something, just ask."  i gently pointed out to Him that that puts all the effort of relationship on one person, but that just pissed Him off.  i see that line in so many profiles online lol. On the surface, it just looks lazy, but i think many guys write that shit sincerely thinking they are being open.  Most of them never connect that not only are they not an "open book," they often don't even have a dust cover.  But i like this guy, and again, i am convinced that the thoughts and feelings are all there, He just doesn't know how to express them. So, i took the approach of mirroring Him. I.e., i stopped self disclosing and just asked and answered questions with short answers like His.  Within a few days He was asking:

"are you okay? you've been quiet... It’s been a while since I read a long and beautiful message from you."  

i replied:  "had the impression after one of our conversations that you prefer questions and answers as a way of communication? i've tried to scale back on long messages where i just share my thoughts and feelings. and just aak and answer questions. i have found that a lot of guys seem to prefer short, occasional test type messaging, and i got the impression that's what you like?"

His response was almost verbatim what i had tried to explain to Him about Himself earlier on lol: "Asking a question or couple of questions isn’t the same as reading about your feelings or why you’d love to do with me when we are finally together. I told your earlier that I enjoy reading your messages even if I don’t respond with long messages."

LMAO, the plot thickens. my response: "Exactly. When i tried to say that to you, it just seemed to frustrate and make you angry. "Asking a question or a couple of questions isn't the same as reading about your feelings or what you'd love to do with me when we are finally together." This is true about me too. Relationship is a combination of sharing oneself as well as asking/answering questions. But you seem to want me to share myself and the only way i can get to know you is by asking questions and getting short answers? You say "I'm not that interesting." i don't agree lol. What little i do know about you i really love, but you keep your self so deeply hidden. i know you are not used to sharing your thoughts and feelings, but that does not mean you don't have them, it just means you are not used to sharing them or having someone who wants to know you. i want to know you as much as you seem to want to know me, and "asking a question or a couple of questions isn't the same as reading about your feelings...."

His response: "Well said handsome. Now I’m hard and I need your warm mouth wrapped around my cock! "

Lol, so of course i'm in love with Him. Fuck. To HIs credit, He wrote  a little more than that, made an effort, and He didn't respond defensively. Time will tell whether or not He will start writing more, i am hopeful but not counting on it. I simply think He has a common blind spot and, in addition,  is not practiced in the skill of self disclosure.

But this is a really good, real life example of what i encounter all the time with guys. i don't think guys are stupid, i fucking love guys and find guys totally wonderful, but it is so difficult to find guys who know how to communicate their thoughts and feelings.  Emotional relationship has been hard to obtain, but i keep trying. 

[Guest BritBottom]

I’ve been dipping in and out of his forum attempting to learn and sort out some of my own issues, I probably should join as I’m finding that I connect with a lot of what is said and am impressed with the general high quality of the content.

This thread has hit home a bit as following a ‘breakdown’ I have spent a lot of time in self-examination.  The comments by tallslenderguy  - “Often, i think they don't even know their self because they've never learned about introspection” - have identified much of what I have come to believe, at least about myself.

In daily life, I am generally taken for straight and work in a fairly high pressure environment.  I don’t hide that I’m gay but don’t advertise it – I don’t question general acquaintances about sex, so what right do they have to question or judge me?

I’m a total bottom, I love to submit to another man, being fucked and giving myself up and actively working to satisfying his need somehow creates a feedback of utter pleasure, even joy, in me.

When it comes to the subject, being a bit of an introvert, I tend to introspection anyway but in getting through my problems I have done a lot of self-examination.   As a result I strongly concur with the comment  - “it doesn't follow that the desire to communicate and  connect emotionally is just a female attribute”.

In relation to -  “i am pretty convinced it's more a matter of ignorance than a conscious choice when guys eschew emotional connection, or maybe even substitute quality physical connection for lack of emotional connection” – I disagree in so far as though this may be true for many, it seems to me,  that for some, that, because of social conditioning or simply the fear of dealing with them, emotional connections are intentionally discarded and substituted for the solely physical connection.

I can enjoy the pure animal rutting for no purpose other than sexual relief, but ultimately it is unsatisfying compared to the deeper connection with emotional and physical elements both in play. I find this more so now than in my younger days but it has always so.

I don’t dispute tallslenderguy’s assertions in any way; I enjoy his reasoned and thought provoking posts immensely and find his views generally mirror much of my own.

In this case I think that there is more than ignorance involved and that there is a conscious avoidance of dealing with the emotional elements because of the vulnerabilities and complexity that feelings can engage. I take this view because I used to use this myself as a ‘protective’ measure. In my case it was emotional immaturity fearing, rather, than embracing my own needs, and those of others, and how to deal with them.

The last paragraph: “i don't think guys are stupid, i fucking love guys and find guys totally wonderful, but it is so difficult to find guys who know how to communicate their thoughts and feelings.  Emotional relationship has been hard to obtain, but i keep trying.” – I wholeheartedly agree and truly hope we all find what we need.

[tallslenderguy]

4 hours ago, BritBottom said:

 

In this case I think that there is more than ignorance involved and that there is a conscious avoidance of dealing with the emotional elements because of the vulnerabilities and complexity that feelings can engage. I take this view because I used to use this myself as a ‘protective’ measure. In my case it was emotional immaturity fearing, rather, than embracing my own needs, and those of others, and how to deal with them.

Thank you for reading my book and thoughtfully replying.

i agree with this. i think fear and the resulting immaturity it can cause through lost experience that brings depth and growth is a major factor when it comes to self disclosure. i wish i had more time to say more, but I’m at work and my break is over, so more later. 

[Poz-Mcr]

I think I've changed as I've got older. 10/15 years ago physical connection would have easily trumped emotional connection, although I would need both to some degree. However, now it is very my an emotional connection I need for a relationship. I've had this confirmed just recently when I hooked up with a guy, physically, who wanted/wants more with me. The physical was 'adequate' but without the emotional connection I really could have been fucking anyone. While the guy is sweet, there was definitely no emotional connection for me, and as such there is no chance of anything developing further. I don't doubt that the apparent but intermittent onset of age-related erectile disfunction plays a part in this, but I can now be sure that emotional connections will have to be in place for any future relationships I might have

[Veytoss]

For me sex attraction is like sugar in a cake:

Too little, and you don't like it;

Too much/only that and after after the first few mouthfuls, you stop eating it.