Not answering to my black owner

[IntoBBvisitor]

I ve been telling you a lot lately about this black guy who's been using me.

The last time he used me, I felt so ashamed and ridiculous that I made up my mind : I would never go through that again.

In the past few days, he has texted me twice. I didn't answer to any of his solicitation, hanging on to my decision. 

Both times, after reading his texts, I started to think about him though: his attitude, his roughness, his disrespect of me, his gigantic cock, him whoring me out and all these things that offend and excite me at the same time. Both times I ended up puting my dick back in its cage, painting my lips red, putting a thong on (like he likes it) and wrecking my ass with a dildo while desperately trying to cum by rubbing frantically the cage, thinking about him and his way of degrading me.

I never got to cum. It all ended up in frustration and with me wanting more and more to be his whore again. He really fucked my head.

It s like I know deep inside I deserve better than him at the same time that I know it s a chance for a slut like me to be his whore. Lost.

[1000GUYS]

you worthless whore, you should be up to him at any time he wishes... go back to your service

[IntoBBvisitor]

You re certainly right. I can t stop thinking about it. I will certainly give up on my pride next time. Hope there will be a next time.

[IntoBBvisitor]

20 hours ago, IntoBBvisitor said:

You re certainly right. I can t stop thinking about it. I will certainly give up on my pride next time. Hope there will be a next time.

Although I'm not sure how I feel about some bottoms treating and insulting each other the way some do...

[drscorpio]

Sorry, a man who won’t breed you doesn’t deserve to own you. 

[looperdave]

^This makes a good point

[IntoBBvisitor]

@looperdave, @drscorpio,

I get what you mean but getting bred is not what I am looking for. If a man wants to fuck me, bare or not, I am happy to oblige. I would never question a top's choice, needs or turn ons.

Their pressure first, that s why I m totally addicted to caging my "manhood".

I feel totally owned by him anyway, and it s getting worse everyday since I m not hearing from him.

[tallslenderguy]

On 8/14/2020 at 6:17 AM, IntoBBvisitor said:

I ve been telling you a lot lately about this black guy who's been using me.

The last time he used me, I felt so ashamed and ridiculous that I made up my mind : I would never go through that again.

In the past few days, he has texted me twice. I didn't answer to any of his solicitation, hanging on to my decision. 

Both times, after reading his texts, I started to think about him though: his attitude, his roughness, his disrespect of me, his gigantic cock, him whoring me out and all these things that offend and excite me at the same time. Both times I ended up puting my dick back in its cage, painting my lips red, putting a thong on (like he likes it) and wrecking my ass with a dildo while desperately trying to cum by rubbing frantically the cage, thinking about him and his way of degrading me.

I never got to cum. It all ended up in frustration and with me wanting more and more to be his whore again. He really fucked my head.

It s like I know deep inside I deserve better than him at the same time that I know it s a chance for a slut like me to be his whore. Lost.

You 'sound' ambivalent, conflicted, to me.  On the one hand, your thread title reads:  "not answering to my black owner."   my first thought was to wonder why you identify that he is "black?"  That comes across to me as disrespectful of the person and regard for the color?  

At the core of this though, as i see it, you are wrestling with something a lot of subs (and some Doms) do. Trying to conform to an idea or definition, to words, vs using words to describe reality.  I.e., many think if you use the word "sub" you are now committed to (their) definition of the word.  i think the word "sub' or "Dom" or _____________, is just a starting place, that each has to parse out what that actually means to them.  When you use the word "sub" it may mean very specific things, and when He uses the word "sub" it may mean different things. Your definitions may overlap, but they also may be different in areas.  To me, relationship is symbiotic, so it makes sense to me to look for enough "overlap" or resonance to build a relationship and sustain it.

There are things you clearly like about this Man and there are things you do not.  There's often a notion in D/s that a subs needs/desires are not to be considered.  And, i guess there are dynamics like that (and even that is a need/want), but it doesn't seem like that is the kind of arrangement you need/want?

[IntoBBvisitor]

16 minutes ago, tallslenderguy said:

You 'sound' ambivalent, conflicted, to me.  On the one hand, your thread title reads:  "not answering to my black owner."   my first thought was to wonder why you identify that he is "black?"  That comes across to me as disrespectful of the person and regard for the color?  

At the core of this though, as i see it, you are wrestling with something a lot of subs (and some Doms) do. Trying to conform to an idea or definition, to words, vs using words to describe reality.  I.e., many think if you use the word "sub" you are now committed to (their) definition of the word.  i think the word "sub' or "Dom" or _____________, is just a starting place, that each has to parse out what that actually means to them.  When you use the word "sub" it may mean very specific things, and when He uses the word "sub" it may mean different things. Your definitions may overlap, but they also may be different in areas.  To me, relationship is symbiotic, so it makes sense to me to look for enough "overlap" or resonance to build a relationship and sustain it.

There are things you clearly like about this Man and there are things you do not.  There's often a notion in D/s that a subs needs/desires are not to be considered.  And, i guess there are dynamics like that (and even that is a need/want), but it doesn't seem like that is the kind of arrangement you need/want?

I write "black" because he is. Not wanting to disrespect him or anybody by using this word. But I get what you mean and can understand that the feeling.

On the other hand, yes, I'm clearly conflicted about this whole "relationship". I ve never been as turned on by anyone or any situation on my life but I'm really having a hard time in accepting it all and accepting this is what I am.

More than a month now that I m thinking of that guy everyday, yearning for him to text me to use me, "jerking off" to him, while, obviously, I ve only been one more cocksucker to him.

Am I the only bottom round here who had higher expectactions than being a cumdump for some average straight guy?   

[tallslenderguy]

1 hour ago, IntoBBvisitor said:

I write "black" because he is. Not wanting to disrespect him or anybody by using this word. But I get what you mean and can understand that the feeling.

On the other hand, yes, I'm clearly conflicted about this whole "relationship". I ve never been as turned on by anyone or any situation on my life but I'm really having a hard time in accepting it all and accepting this is what I am.

More than a month now that I m thinking of that guy everyday, yearning for him to text me to use me, "jerking off" to him, while, obviously, I ve only been one more cocksucker to him.

Am I the only bottom round here who had higher expectactions than being a cumdump for some average straight guy?   

Nah, i don't think you want to disrespect anyone. i think sometimes we just say things on auto pilot and we don't know how it affects, in this case, black people?   For instance, imagine someone writing a thread title: "Not answering my yellow owner," or "Not answering my brown owner," or "Not answering my white owner."   We don't ever see stuff like that, weird how sometimes we make a point of it with blacks?   Not trying to point the finger at you, just speaking generally about how we single "black" out sometime?

i've written about what it means to me to be a bottom, and about "cumdump" here, on page 2.  i've written tons on the topic, and no, you are no where near "the only bottom around here who [has] higher expectations...."  There are quite a few Tops and bottoms who have written lots of thoughtful comments on this topic all over BZ, they may not all be reading or responding to your thread. So, no, you're not alone <3.

I don't understand why you refer to this man as your "owner?" i didn't see where He says He formally owns you and you became His? In the BDSM community, there are couples that are Master/slave where they have actual written contracts of "ownership" and real "collars," etc.. Am guessing you are not referring to something like this?  

i'm guessing that you are more reflecting on your self and your feelings, which i think is great.  i'd suggest you check out BDSM communities where there is some serious discussion about ownership? The Cage is one of my favorite because there is a core group of serious people there. Unfortunately, it's mostly straight, but a lot of the topics of Dom/sub, etc., have things in common.  

i get the mixed feelings. Though i am not you, there is a certain kind of degradation and humiliation that excites the hell out of me. i call it "affectionate degradation," as opposed to rough, mean, forceful, bullying. The former 'collars' and turns me on, the latter shuts me down.  And i have experienced Doms who are my counter point, who love the mind fuck of affectionate, subtle grooming and control and hate force or bullying.  

There are so many variations out there. i think it is important to first know your self and know your needs/wants, then look for someone who is your opposite. i look for symbiosis in relationship. i despise quid pro quo, i don't think it's sustainable. 

[IntoBBvisitor]

3 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

Nah, i don't think you want to disrespect anyone. i think sometimes we just say things on auto pilot and we don't know how it affects, in this case, black people?   For instance, imagine someone writing a thread title: "Not answering my yellow owner," or "Not answering my brown owner," or "Not answering my white owner."   We don't ever see stuff like that, weird how sometimes we make a point of it with blacks?   Not trying to point the finger at you, just speaking generally about how we single "black" out sometime?

i've written about what it means to me to be a bottom, and about "cumdump" here, on page 2.  i've written tons on the topic, and no, you are no where near "the only bottom around here who [has] higher expectations...."  There are quite a few Tops and bottoms who have written lots of thoughtful comments on this topic all over BZ, they may not all be reading or responding to your thread. So, no, you're not alone <3.

I don't understand why you refer to this man as your "owner?" i didn't see where He says He formally owns you and you became His? In the BDSM community, there are couples that are Master/slave where they have actual written contracts of "ownership" and real "collars," etc.. Am guessing you are not referring to something like this?  

i'm guessing that you are more reflecting on your self and your feelings, which i think is great.  i'd suggest you check out BDSM communities where there is some serious discussion about ownership? The Cage is one of my favorite because there is a core group of serious people there. Unfortunately, it's mostly straight, but a lot of the topics of Dom/sub, etc., have things in common.  

i get the mixed feelings. Though i am not you, there is a certain kind of degradation and humiliation that excites the hell out of me. i call it "affectionate degradation," as opposed to rough, mean, forceful, bullying. The former 'collars' and turns me on, the latter shuts me down.  And i have experienced Doms who are my counter point, who love the mind fuck of affectionate, subtle grooming and control and hate force or bullying.  

There are so many variations out there. i think it is important to first know your self and know your needs/wants, then look for someone who is your opposite. i look for symbiosis in relationship. i despise quid pro quo, i don't think it's sustainable. 

You re right: he never claimed me officially as his property and I can say he's no more into BDSM than I am. BDSM, breeding or crossdressing were never my fetishes or turn ons. Yes, I admit I wore the cage before I met him cause I think it s a prop that keeps versatile guys away and attracts the top ones. 

Before meeting this guy, I was just a regular bottom boy, slightly fem, looking for some fun but mainly for a sexy boyfriend, a nice relationship. I got into his cab and in a few days, I started wearing panties and lipstick; I started thinking about cross dressing to please him more; he wored my mouth out and got me considering "working" for him; he made me feel worthless and realize I am kind of inferior to him; he made me feel ashamed in a way but proud to be his "girl" and made me go further in the caged lifestyle. But most of all, he made me give up on wanting to have sex with anyone else and, as you rightfully pointed, he has me claiming (with some self-contentment) him as my owner when the truth is, he never even came close to telling me I am his property.

I don't see myself in a relationship with him, I m not that blind or dumb :0) It s obvious he only got attracted to me cause he likes to fuck or use fem gays and he must have felt my hidden submissive side. When he gets out of my place, after emptying his balls and abusing me, he doesn t think about all this at all. I know the truth. And that adds to the difficulty I m in, because I think about his manly and abusive attitude a lot.

Can a straight guy ruin a gay guy for other gays ?

 

 

[ErosWired]

This strikes me as an unfavorable situation for you because from your narrative it seems fairly clear that the critical dynamic in the relationship is occurring only within your own mind. It’s not the mutual regard of an actual relationship, but a psychological landscape you’ve constructed for yourself around him. The confusion and distress you’re feeling now comes from a subtle but growing awareness that you’re not both playing anything like the same game - that your investment in it is unrequited.

 It’s telling that you began wearing the cage before you met him, and that the crossdressing was something you thought about to try to please him.You say, “He made me feel ashamed, he made me feel worthess” - but is that perhaps a little disingenuous on your part to yourself? Perhaps more than a little? It sounds to me from reading your account that it could be said that you engineered yourself into this position with him because he enabled you to act upon impulses you maybe didn’t give yourself the freedom to act upon alone.

 If he’s not been trying to contact you, it’s entirely possible that you really are just another hookup in his eyes, and this “my owner” thing is pure fantasy you’re keeping alive inside your own mind. If that’s the case, I can understand how it might eat at your thoughts and make you question yourself, when the evidence before your eyes doesn’t marry up with the story you’ve been telling yourself is true.

 I’m saying all of this to you because I went through a very similar process of self-questioning when I was with my former Master. Now, in my case, he did, in fact, own me. We had gone to the extent of drafting on paper and executing a formal Deed of Ownership granting him title to my physical body for any purpose. A court of law would not have upheld it, of course, but between the two of us, that piece of paper was as legitimate and binding as any vehicle title, any deed to real estate. I belonged to him.

But that didn’t mean that everything that I became under his ownership was his doing, or even his design. It took me a very long time to realize that what I had told myself was his plan for me, his design, was in fact something far more subtle - he simply intended to find out what was already inside me. He wasn’t going to change me into something I wasn’t, but see how extremely he could animate something I might otherwise repress.

 I can say with absolute certainty that had it not been for what he did to me, I would not today be a free public whore for men, taking their cocks and seed into my body with pride and without shame. But I can’t say that he made me do this. Yes, there were things he made me do in the sense that he used coercion and force of strength to make my body, mind, and orgasm submit to his intent. But in the end I became this because some deep part of me wanted it, and I happened to find a sadist who knew how to drag it out of me.

My relationship with him didn’t last forever, either. He wasn’t in love with me and had no interest in possessing me as a fucktoy for his personal needs, so when he was satisfied he had experimented with me all he wanted, he handed me back the deed to my body and turned me loose on my own.
 

It was really hard at first, and occasionally still is hard, when I stop and realize that a man owned me once and wasn’t interested enough to keep me, and the chances of ever finding another man willing to pick that up are next to nil, to keep a sense of personal value. It’s made harder still for people like us in the twisted position of finding that our sense of personal worth relies on other men seeing us as worthless. But what gets me through from day to day is trying to keep a clear realization in my head that although I may give what I have to any and every man, I’m beholden for what I am to no man.

[IntoBBvisitor]

Thanks @tallslenderguy and @ErosWired

You guys do admit your condition to your friends and talk about it with some of them or is it a secret thing ?

I am asking because it s the first time I do something that I feel I have to hide and keep for myself. Maybe it is because I struggling to accept it...

[ErosWired]

You wouldn’t know it from the way I spill it all out here on BreedingZone, but I don’t talk about by sexual life anywhere but here and to the men who use me. No one who knows me personally is aware of what I do except for my former Master, who remains a good friend, and one of my nephews, who is gay, but he knows only that I service Tops, not that I’m what is here often termed a ‘faggot cumdump whore’. (And no, all you sick bastards, I am not fucking my nephew, for God’s sake. Give it a rest.)

Am I struggling to accept what I am? Not exactly, not in the conventional sense - I don’t really like that my sexual psychology seems to be driven by a deep-seated need to please others rooted in an unshakable belief that no one is ever going to want me. Part of me actually loathes every aspect of my sexual nature and would be perfectly happy if a sexual urge never occurred to me again. But the reality is that I have found a kind if equilibrium that addresses my sexual need, justifies its expression, and makes it okay to be heavily used but never loved, all at the same time.

Don’t get me wrong - mine is a terrible way to deal with it, 0/10 Do not recommend. It only works for me because I’m able to uncouple my emotions from the whole thing. If I couldn’t, I’d be a fucking mess. As it is, I can be a cumdump and actually live what I say about my ass being other Men’s to fuck at will, on command. I’m not playing any head-games with myself or anyone else at this point. As far as I’m concerned, that’s as close to the Truth about what I am and who I am as I’m going to get, so I’m internally content with it. Sometimes I’m a little sad knowing that I’m never going to have the fulfillment of loving and being loved in return, but them’s the breaks. I may not get to be happy, but I’ll at least spread a little joy.

 I don’t keep all this to myself because I’m ashamed, but for the much more practical reason that we have to live around other people in real life, and those people misunderstand and judge. It’s not fair, and it’s unkind, but the reality is that every single one of us relies on others to see us in certain “positive” and “accepted” ways in order for those people to react toward us in positive ways. We are all interdependent, but if we begin severing connections by forcing others to confront a reality about us that the don’t want to confront, then we can’t access the things we need from our social system.

Where I live, one does not walk down the street wearing a tee-shirt reading “We’re Queer And We’re Here”. The church ladies start to cluck, and then suddenly you find you can’t get a plumber when you need one, and your car’s paint job keeps getting keyed. Not talking about one’s cross-dressing, or not being overheard casually talking about the different tastes of semen isn’t really about shame - it’s unfortunately a matter of practical living.

If you find that thinking about your desires causes you mental distress, or you reach a point if impasse at which you cannot reconcile thoughts and emotions, you might consider seeking out the services of a licensed therapist who specializes, or at least has special training, in human sexuality. The outside perspective can help.